Chpt. 6 APOV:
"There was never another woman," he says firmly.
"What? What do you mean there wasn't another woman?Your letter-"
I'm cut off by a ringing phone but it takes me a few minutes to realize it's mine.I'm too busy trying to figure out what the hell Christian meant by there wasn't another woman to focus on the the time I fish my phone out of my purse, it's stopped Christian's phone started ringing only seconds later.
"Hello?Yes…When….fine….10 minutes," is all I hear from Christian's side of the conversation.
"Everything okay?" I ask.
"That was Mark, they want us back to give them an Donaldson has a meeting he needs to leave for soon."
"Oh."
"Your choice give me a chance to explain what happened 10 years ago and I'll go undercover with you on this mission," he says.
Fuck.
I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place and he fucking knows much as I don't want to hear what he has to say, part of me is intrigued by him saying there was never another the hell did he mean by that?If he didn't leave me because he fell in love and knocked up some girl, what the fuck did he leave me?If not for a woman for who?Why did he lie?
"Fine," I reluctantly agree reminding myself that I'm doing all of this for Kate.
"We talk tonight about this," he adds."We get everything out in the open before we return to Time Out for our next session."
"Fine," I repeat.
He looks at me one final time before nodding; I can't read the look in his eyes.I expected to see relief that I agreed to hear him out, but I don't. Instead, I see…uncertainty and maybe even fear which doesn't make 's the one who wanted me to ask him what happened 10 years ago, but now that he has the chance to tell me he's afraid?It doesn't make sense.
"Ms. Steele, Mr. Grey," Donaldson nods as we walk back into Mark's office only a few minutes later."Thank you for returning so quickly; unfortunately I have a meeting I need to leave for shortly."
"No problem," Christian says.
"Mr. Grey and I have spoken and we both agree to continue with the mission," I announce.
"You agree to go undercover together?" Donaldson asks.
"Yes," Christian replies.
"Correct," I confirm.
"I have to admit I expected a little more of an issue on your part Mr. Grey," Donaldson says.
"It's not easy to pick up leave with only a few days' notice," Christian admits."I'll be spending much of the weekend working and preparing my COO and admin for my 's going to take a lot of juggling but I can make it mission is important as well as the reason behind it."
I don't have to turn to feel Christian's eyes on me; I know without a doubt in that moment he's doing this for me. I hadn't considered the impact leaving so quickly would have on his business and what he would need to do to arrange everything so he could I didn't hate him as much as I do, I'd be touched that he was willing to do all of this for me…for Kate when he has nothing to gain from this mission. He could have easily said no, blamed it on his job and walked away from the could have flat out refused to consider Donaldson proposal, but instead he left the decision up to course with one major caveat.
"We have a contract drawn up for you to review and sign," Donaldson hands him a folder."My card is inside, just fax or email it once you've had time to review compensation is outlined in the contract as well."
"Understood," Christian nods taking the envelope but doesn't look inside.
"Ms. Steele, I will expect you to bring Mr. Grey up to speed on the investigation thus far and what we know about the . Grey, although you have an impeccable service record and contrary to your roles while in certain areas of the resort, I need to reiterate that Ms. Steele is the agent in charge while you are has extensive knowledge on the investigation, the individuals we believe we are dealing with and what the ultimate goal is for this investigation long term."
"That won't be a problem," Christian agrees which kind of surprises me.
"If you'll excuse me, I'm going to leave now so I can get to my next appointment on time.I'm going to leave Mark and Sawyer to discuss with you what training needs to occur yet before Monday," Donaldson announces as he leaves."Steele, I'll be in touch over the weekend to finalize plans for Monday."
"Of course," I expected as much.
"So obviously this changes a few things," Sawyer says once the door closes."There's three days left to prepare you both for this mission."
"My schedule is going to be very tight," Christian informs us."While I know there's a lot still to do for the mission, I have a lot to prepare for before I leave with Grey Software are unfinished projects I need to wrap up or reassign, meetings that need to be rescheduled and a few calls I need to make to bring people up to speed on projects that need to be covered in my absence."
"My schedule is flexible Christian," I let him know."You tell me when to be here and I'll be here."
"I want to point out that while you're training here is important to your mission, it's also important that you train outside of here," Mark says.
"Meaning?" I ask.
"While you're at the resort you're going to obviously be engaging in scenes at times, but there are other times where you'll be expected to act like a normal couple," Mark explains."Any time spent not in a scene and not in your room, you'll need to appear as if you're a couple in given that you are not in a TPE arrangement."
"So this weekend, try to spend a little time getting to know each other…again, outside of rooms here," Sawyer says.
"That makes sense," although not happy about it I can see their point.
"We've been talking to a few people we know, off the record of course," Sawyer says."Here's some first hand accounts of the resort from people who have been there, both doms and subs."
The fact that Sawyer hands me the envelope doesn't go fact since I walked in here with Christian, they've treated me like an equal and not like a other time I've met with them, although usually separate, they, well mostly Mark, treated me as if I was below just because he knew more about BDSM meant that that he was superior to me.I don't know what changed or why it changed but I'm thankful that at least for right now they're treated me as an it was Donaldson telling Christian that I'm the agent in charge on the mission…
"Thank you," I take the envelope eager to look inside but don't.I figure Christian and I can do that when we're reviewing the case information.
Christian and I…what a fucking crazy thought.
"Where do you see the need to focus your training before you leave Monday morning?" Mark asks Christian.
"I'd like to have Ana exposed more to the main room so she can see the different types of scenes that she…er….we will likely observe while we're at the resort," Christian explains."I don't know if time will allow that so we'll need to see."
"I'm sure I don't need to tell you that she can observe in the main room without you," Sawyer points out."With a collar on, you know no one will bother her."
"I know," he says but doesn't agree to let me observe without him.I'm not sure how I feel about that though.
"If that's not something you want to do, you can always have her watch some of the recordings that have been stored," Sawyer suggests.
"That's a possibility," Christian appears to think it over.
"Do you record everything?" I ask.
"Yes," Sawyer answers quickly."Everything is stored on a secured network off site that Christian are so many firewalls built in that Christian assures me it's impossible to break."
"Why record it at all? I mean…why take the risk?" I ask.
"Protection," Mark answers as if that explains everything.
"It's protection for all of our members," Sawyer explains further."When we have new members, we observe them in person before even allowing them to scene even then we're watching live from our security we conduct thorough background checks on all of our members, they don't always reveal who aren't going to uphold the rules of our our most seasoned doms and subs can slip up…this ensures that should someone accuse someone else of something we have it recorded."
"Has that happened before?" I ask.
"That's something has actually happened? that someone's accused someone else? Yes," Sawyer sighs."It was what led to the installation of our recording system in the first place.A former sub accused someone of failing to honor her safe word, which as I'm sure I don't need to tell you is a significant infraction in our dom insisted the safeword was never the time our security feed only backed up every 72 hours; thankfully we were able to pull the footage before it was erased and review the scene."
"And?" I ask.
"She never safeworded and nothing in the scene breached any of her limits," he says."It protected him and his reputation."
"But in the case that the sub was telling the truth, it would have protected her and he would have been punished," Christian explains.
"Punished?" I ask trying to understand how that would happen not only from a dom's perspective but legally.
"He would be blacklisted from every club in our community," Christian explains."We have no tolerance for doms who refuse to honor a lifestyle is built on trust; failing to honor a safeword shows that the dom is not trustworthy."
"If the sub wanted to, we would also assist him or her in pressing charge and we would turn over the evidence to the police," Sawyer adds.
"I had no idea," I admit.
"We're not just about kinky sex," Mark says."It's about trust, which is something that needs to be one gives up their trust easily, so once it's given we expect it to be treated very carefully."
"All recordings are stored in a server off site and for the most part remain unwatched, however they're there if we need them," Sawyer explains."While observing a scene in person is preferred, if your schedules don't permit Christian can arrange for you to watch scenes that he feels would benefit you before you leave."
"Thank you," if my choice is observing in the main room by myself or watching a video in the comfort of my apartment I'm choosing my I believe what Sawyer and Christian said about wearing the collar, I'm not sure I would feel entirely comfortable sitting by myself watching a just seems odd…
"If you'll excuse us, Ana and I have a few things we need to discuss tonight," Christian announces."We will be here over the weekend however I can't say when just yet."
"The room is yours whenever you need it," Sawyer says.
"Ms. Steele, if there's anything you need before Monday please let us know," Mark says surprising 's different today than he has been any other time I've met him; I have no idea why though.
"Thank you," I shake his offered hand before following Christian out.
"Where are we going?" I ask a few minutes later as we're back in Christian's audi heading down the highway.
"To my house, it's only another 15 minutes or so," he says without looking at me.
"Your house? Maybe we should just find a coffee place to go to instead," I suggest.
"I'd rather have this conversation privately," he glances at me before looking back at the road."Besides, I think we're both going to want something stronger than coffee when we talk."
He has a point, I suppose.I'm not thrilled with it, but alcohol will probably be needed for this 's house…I know it doesn't make sense given everything that's happened this week but it seems like we're crossing a least before today I could argue that everything was for the mission and nothing was though…everything changes.
"Wow," I gasp as I take in the large house at the end of the long has to be the largest house that I've ever we turned off the main road, I had no idea what to driveway was surrounded on both sides by large trees but after a few minutes it just opens to this…. 's large…and just beautiful.
"It's just a house," he shrugs.
"You live here by yourself?" I ask in shock.I hold my breath waiting for his response; part of me still expecting him to say his wife and their child live here with though he told me there was never another woman, I'm still expecting it.
"I have a live in housekeeper who has her own private quarters," he answers.
"So it's just you here," I say looking up at the huge house as we approach it.
"Just me," there's a tone of sadness to his voice but he doesn't say anything more."Come in, make yourself comfortable."
The front door opens to a beautiful foyer complete with a curved staircase to our left.A large chandelier lights up the entire room all of which is just breath leads me into what he says is the great room, but really it looks so formal that I'm afraid to even sit a flick of a button, the fireplace comes to life before Christian heads into the large dining room to a bar.
"Wine?" he asks.
"Please."
He joins me on the couch a few minutes later, handing me a glass of red wine while he holds a glass filled with an amber both just sit there, neither of us really knowing what to say.I still don't want this conversation to happen; I still think it's best if we just leave it in the past and focus on the , the only way Christian would agree to go undercover with me and help get the information the FBI needs to hopefully find Kate is to have this conversation.
"I was never married, I never had a child…I was never in love with anyone else," Christian takes a breath and says after several minutes of silence.
"I don't…don't understand."
"Ana," he sighs running his hands through his hair."You were about to give everything up for me…Your future was being handed to you; everything you could have wanted…and you were going to give it all up for me.I couldn't let you do that."
"What…what are you talking about?" I drink half my wine in one gulp having a feeling I know what's coming.
"Ana," he shakes his head."You had received a full scholarship to Princeton and University of Pennsylvania , a 90% tuition scholarship to Stanford and partial scholarships to half a dozen other schools."
"How…how did you know that?"
"That's the thing Ana, you never told me any of it," he says."That's how I knew you were going to give it all up…for me."
"For us," I correct him on instinct.
"You were giving up your entire future; an education at one of the most prestigious schools in the country…for what?To follow me from base to base attending classes through some online university that hardly anyone has ever heard of?You think the FBI would have even considered you if you hadn't graduated at the top of your class from Princeton?"
"That was my decision!" I argue.
"It was and I knew what your decision was," he frowns."You were going to give it all up…for me.I couldn't let you do that.I couldn't let you give up your chance at an opportunity most people only dream of."
"Most people also only dream of finding the love of their life; of having what we had together," I snap.
"You're right," he says.
"So you decided the best option was to break my heart?To tell me that you fucking fell in love with another woman and not only that but you knocked her up and were getting married?!"
"You don't think I fucking regretted that letter every day?You think that's what I wanted to do?"
"Then why the fuck did you?"
"Because….it was the only way," he sighs."I didn't want to do that to you."
"Yet you did."
"I tried to just end it Ana, I did," he runs his hands through his hair."I didn't want to hurt you anymore than I knew it was going to hurt when I ended things."
"How did you find out about the scholarships?" I ask after a few minutes of silence."I never told you."
"Your dad told me," he admits quietly.
"My dad?" I repeat."I need something stronger than wine before I hear this."
Christian goes back to the bar and pours us both a glass of the amber liquid he had already of leaving the bottle at the bar, this time he brings the bottle of bourbon back to the great room placing it on the table next to him.I take a large gulp of the drink, coughing as the burn eases down my chest.I'm not a heavy drinker at all and rarely do I drink hard liquor; the only time I have liquor is in a mixed straight up; but this….today demands dad made his feelings known about college; he expected me to attend, it was never an option not was it ever my intent not to attend college; Christian and I had it all planned out that I would attend an online college while living on the base so we wouldn't have to worry when he was transferred somewhere only reason I even applied to those colleges was to get my dad off my back.I never intended to go and never in a million years expected to receive scholarships that would ultimately cover my entire tuition and room and board.
"You talked to my dad about this," I say.
"Yes," he nods."He wrote me a letter, complete with copies of your acceptance letters and eventually of the scholarships you were awarded.I was against it Ana, God I was so against it-"
"Obviously you weren't."
"I know you don't believe me, but I was.I didn't want to end everything between us; I didn't want a future without was hard enough imagining waiting a year for you to join me on base; I couldn't imagine waiting four more years."
"So you decided it would be easier to give it all up instead."
"I didn't want to Ana," he shakes his head."I didn't want to hurt one of those letters killed me to Ana…I couldn't let you give everything up for wasn't fair to you and I knew one day you would regret it."
"That was MY decision to make!"
"Maybe it was," he admits."But you had already made your were going to walk away from it all; to give it all up."
"Yes I was," I hiss."Because I fucking loved you; I wasn't giving up my future, I was giving us a chance for a future together."
He doesn't respond; I don't know if he's considering my words or not.I'm so fucking furious; I can't believe my father had a hand in this.I knew it broke his heart when I told him I was turning down the scholarships and acceptances into those schools, but I never thought he would stoop this low.I never thought he would convince Christian to fuck me over.I don't know who I'm more pissed at: Christian or my father.
"Why the lie?Why make up the wife, the baby, the wedding…all of it?" I ask.
"Because…I knew that until you believed it was truly over between us you would never agree to go to was the only way I knew how to end things without leaving you any hope of us getting back together."
"So you fucking lied to me," I finish my drink in one quick gulp ignoring the burning."We swore to each other that no matter what, we would never lie or break a promise to each fucking did both."
"I did," he at least acknowledges that."You'll never believe me, but it killed me just as much as it killed you to do that."
"I doubt that," I snap and grab the bottle from the table and pour myself another large drink.
"Do I regret what I did?No," he says which just angers me more."You got the education you deserved and have an amazing job that you're obviously doing well at if they even considered you for this mission let alone put you in charge of it once we're on the I do regret is the time apart.I wish it could have been different Ana.I wish you could have gone to Princeton and we could have been together but that wasn't possible."
"So you let me go, without so much as a fucking look back."
"That's not true!" he raises his voice slamming down the last of his drink."I fucking looked back every God damn day.I waited four fucking years for you to finish your degree, hoping that you would find it in your heart to forgive me and that we could work things out.I fucking waited Ana!"
"You waited?What the hell does that mean?I never heard from you after you wrote me off!You sent me a final letter and never contacted me sent the letter and went on with your fucking life, who are you kidding."
"I waited to contact you, that part is true," he says after taking a few deep breaths I suppose wanting to calm himself down but I have no fucking idea what he's all worked fucking did this to us!"I knew if I wrote to you earlier and gave you even the hint of there being a chance of us getting back together that you would drop out and come to I doesn't mean I didn't write you.I wrote you every fucking day for three and a half fucking day Ana!I held onto those letters and half way through your senior year, I mailed them to you along with a letter apologizing and explaining when I received those letters back in mail unopened, I continued to write to you-"
"I never got the letters," I argue."I never even saw a letter from you."
"I know," he sighs."I didn't understand why your dad was sending them back to me, until I went to see you when I was on leave-"
"You…you came to see me?"
"I sent you flowers when you graduated but my leave request for the ceremony wasn't granted," he shrugs."I was oversees at the time…it wasn't possible for me to come stateside at that roughly six months later when we were brought back stateside I was finally granted a weekend of leave.I flew out to see you, hoping like hell you would give me a chance to explain …you were away for the weekend but your dad was home…"
Fuck I know exactly the weekend he's talking about.
"Your dad invited me in, welcoming me into your home just like he always then…he told me your…boyfriend had taken you away for a romantic weekend and was planning on proposing to showed me a picture of the two of you; fuck Ana you looked so happy.I couldn't…couldn't hurt you again by suddenly coming back.I couldn't ask you to choose; I couldn't do that to you."
"So you left…again."
"I did," he sighs."Your dad said you were finally happy again; that this guy treated you right and would be good to Ana it hurt…seeing you in that picture with him, smiling and laughing, it fucking all that mattered is that you were happy, so you're right, I left.I walked away from you hoping that you would have the future that you deserved and that you would be happy."
"It should have been my fucking decision!Not yours!You should have let me decide!You…and my dad…you decided my fucking future for me!You didn't give me a choice in anything!"
"You're right Ana," he agrees momentarily surprising me."That's the day I regret the most; that's the day that I wish I would have done things I didn't…I…always felt like I wasn't good enough for day, it looked like you found someone that was finally good enough for who could make you happy, to give you the future that you wanted, to be the person you deserved."
"Fuck Christian," I finish the rest of my drink ignoring the slight buzz that's hitting me from drinking so much so quickly."You never thought to find me… even after that day with my dad?"
"No," he answers quickly."For all I knew you were happily married, maybe even raising a couple of kids finding you again would only hurt us was the point?"
"The point was that I could have fucking decided what I wanted!For once I could have decided what was best for me!Instead of you and my father deciding for me like I was some little girl!"
"Don't be mad at your dad," Christian says after a few minutes of silence."He only wanted you to have the best education possible; to have a chance at everything in life."
"I don't even know what to do with this Christian," I sigh in frustration."Part of me wishes you didn't tell me what happened."
"You would have preferred to continue believing that I fell in love with some girl I met in bar, got her pregnant and married her?You would have preferred to believe that I could move on that quickly?After being apart from you for only a few months?You'd prefer that over knowing that I put your needs ahead of what I truly wanted?That I wanted you to have everything rather than settling in life?You would rather believe that I loved you so little that I could fall in love with someone else so easily rather than know that I loved you so much that I waited four fucking years for you?!"
"You fucking lied to me!At least if you had fell in love with someone else it was the truth!How the fuck can I trust you again?You fucking lied to me Christian!"
Author's Note: When reading this chapter, please keep in mind that the online college reference is going back 10 years. Online education has come a long way and many are comparable to an on campus education. However, 10 years ago this was not the case. Online colleges were just beginning to pop up and many ended up going under because they couldn't gain the accreditation they needed (or maintain that accreditation). This is in no way an insult to anyone who attended an online college currently or even 10 years ago. It's not meant that way at all. Things have come a long way in 10 years.