Chapter 7: Yamatoid: Other V

Dante burst out laughing. "Yeah. Haven't you?"

"I have," Vergil admitted. "Honestly, it took me a long time to finally do it. Was just never really a fan…"

"You weren't a fan of vagina—?"

"That isn't what I said! I just never actually thought it was necessary…until it was necessary."

Confused, the veteran coochie-singer asked, "The hell does that mean?"

"Uh—well, one time, when I was young and inexperienced, my date was having a hard time with the, uh, 'lubrication' part of the process. And I was getting impatient. So I just…yeah."

"Nice. Sometimes you gotta make those concessions. Me, I like to do it if she's been on her best behavior. Not too often, though. Gotta keep it special."

The casual-sex-demon in blue chuckled, then revealing, "I've since added it to my repertoire. I've also found a side-sweeping motion goes well with a little inward shuffle."

Dante raised a scholarly eyebrow, observing the strategy there. "Ah, yes. A great tactic for opening up her V-fence. One of my favorite moves is slicking it up—"

"Hold on—V-fence?"

"Yeah—?"

"Okay-okay, I just had to be sure I heard right. Continue."

"Right, so I like to slick it up from the outside-inward, you know, giving it a warm welcome while making my presence known. Then, when I make my way out again, I spruce up the 'driveway', and, uh, ring that 'doorbell' a few times—you know, whatever the situation calls for."

Vergil responded with hysteric laughter, unable to deny the validity of the flowchart his brother just constructed.

Dante concluded, "Like I said, I try not to do it too often. She's gotta earn that shit."

"You don't say. She also better have a garden between her legs."

"Ha—yeah, that's a must. I hate making up excuses when it just ain't right. And one time, it was so bad, I couldn't make up anything. I just yelled at her."

Vergil reentered the hysteria zone, then hearing Dante reveal the following:

"I still did it though."

"Are you serious—?!"

"Yeah. Yeah, I did it. I mean, we both had just come off a pretty intense mission, so it wasn't unexpected."

Vergil's ears perked up at a certain word. "Wait—did you just say 'mission'? Who were you with?"

Hesitant, Dante half-answered, "It was, uh…not-Trish." Busting out laughing, he added, "Hey, she was helping me pay the utilities. It wasn't all that bad in the end."

"Yeah, I'll take your word for it."

Biting another piece of the oddly named fruit, Dante changed the subject, "You ever done anal?"

Eyes narrowed in aversion, Vergil turned to the half-devil beside him, stating definitively, "Fuck no."

"Whaaat? You're missing out, man!"

"I don't care. If anything, I'm missing out on shit. On the tip of my cock."

"It's not even like that! I mean, unless she's got somethin' on the way…like, trust me—that never happens. It's pretty sweet."

"It's pretty gross—"

"Aw, man—you can't knock it til ya try it!"

"Actually…I think I did try it. Wouldn't fit in Samus's ass, so I just gave up."

Concerned, Dante asked, "Well, didn't ya lube her up, first?"

"Like I keep lube with me…"

"Well, you could always use other ways…"

Vergil's eyes became Texas Roadhouse dinner plates. "Aw, you're sick! You're fuckin' sick!"

"Hey, man! What'd I tell you—don't knock it til ya try it!" Fed up with Vergil's retching, Dante then asked, "Hey, tell me more about your fling with the Super Smash Sister."

"Hm…well, she was definitely an upscale girl. I remember she liked fancy things…"

-X-

"I love the way this thing purrs at me," Samus swooned.

Vergil's rental car, the Cue-Cee-Ehf 4000, was truly paying off, as he could tell Samus was genuinely turned on by the shear luxury. As he cruised through downtown Nintendo, the full-time Sword Prep Professor chimed, "Just wait until I start parking. This car comes with cameras in the back."

"Now, that's impressive," Samus showed her intrigue, for it was a simpler time. Then, she recalled, "Actually, I think the place we're going has valet parking."

"Valet?" Vergil repeated in disgust. "I don't like the sound of—"

HONK-HONK-HOOOONNKK! Some maniac was racing through traffic, and said maniac swerved ahead of Vergil's car aggressively, therefore the half-devil honked back at him. And when the driver flipped him the bird, Vergil heatedly growled, "What the hell's that moron's problem?!"

Also vexed, Samus asked, "You just gonna let him do that?!"

Already switching to a higher gear, Vergil totally got egged on, "Hell no, he dies TONIGHT—!"

Vroooom. The CCE 4000 slid up right next to the other guy, who rode in a purple convertible. Glaring hard as steel, Vergil yelled, "ASS-CLOWN!"

While the driver flicked his chin at the angry swordsman, Samus revealed, "Wait, I've seen that fucker before!"

"What?"

Suddenly, the driver screeched back in a formidable Italian accent, "Fuck you with a limp dick, fuck-face!"

Samus demanded, "Where's your gun?!"

"'Gun'?" Vergil repeated in disgust.

"Never mind, I brought mine!" And then, Samus pulled out the pistol strapped to her leg, perched herself outside on the passenger window, and brought the parade to that other guy's car.

"Oh, shit—" The other guy, a sordid individual wearing purple overalls and a hat, swerved a bit before fishing around for what appeared to be a red turtle shell.

Recognizing that deadly weapon, Samus dipped back inside and yelled, "Hit the brakes, Vergil!"

"'Brakes'?" Vergil repeated in disgust.

"Just do it—!"

The half-devil applied the brakes, then watching the red shell get hurled straight into a bicycle rack. The explosion was devastating, and the other driver sped off.

Vergil asked, "Any chance I can skip the valet parking? I'd much rather handle it myself."

"Pretty sure it's mandatory."

-X-

"This place is so gorgeous," Samus spoke reverently.

"Yes, I figured you'd like it," Vergil replied suavely. "It's a shame we couldn't sit closer to that statue of the giant egg-thing."

"Oh, but the view is perfect right where we are," Samus commented, gazing at the Pokeball statue in the middle of the luxurious dining room.

"You're telling me," Vergil agreed, though he smirked not at the statue.

And so, their eyes met, marking a heated transfer of sexual tension as Samus twisted some of her blonde strands while Vergil jumped his eyebrows suggestively. Laughing, Samus then confirmed cheek-beating in the near future, "You're so bad."

"I agree. Not as bad as the waiter, though—he's yet to take our order."

"I know, right? He's this close to getting stiffed."

The wielder of Yamato momentarily struggled to derive a sexual yet clever reply from that statement, so he simply looked on the bright side, "At least now, we have time to discuss who that maniac from earlier was."

"Oh, right, him. He's one of those guys who thrives on being a public enemy—Waluigi, or something. I'm just waiting for a bounty to get placed on his psychotic head so I can blast that mustache right off his face."

Curious, Samus's white-haired date asked, "Do you really need a bounty to do that?"

"No, but it just seems classier that way. Because if I kill one guy for free, I'll kill thirty."

"I don't see anything wrong with that," Vergil gave his honest opinion. Also, he started tempting her to do bad things, "We could track him down and kill him, no problem."

Blushing, Samus swooned, "Oh, we could!"

Donning his Da-Vinci-face, he painted the picture, "I could stab him in the back, then you could jump out and pistol-whip him to the floor."

"Oh~—!"

"Then, I'm sure you could find some creative things to do before delivering the killshot, like face-stomping, or waterboarding, or what have you."

"Mm~, I do love to get creative."

And then, Samus creatively unshod one foot to caress Vergil's thigh with it, and the half demon began calculating the distance to the nearest restroom, specifically that of the ladies.

"I do apologize for the wait!" said the waiter, a well-dressed dwarf in a horned helmet. "You folks ready to order?"

"Yes," Vergil replied, then realizing firsthand the extent of Samus's wild side, because she had not yet ceased foot-rubbing his thigh. "We'll start off with the crab risotto and the scallops. Also, more—oy! More wine, please."

"Right away, sir!"

As the waiter departed, Vergil indulged the foot currently ringing his ding-dong under the table. And once again, the sexual tension was put on display.

-X-

After leaving 64th Street, Vergil pulled up outside Samus's condo, and he stated, "I hope you found our evening as lovely as I did."

"That, I did. Would you like to come in for more wine?"

"I don't see anything wrong with that."

-X-

Fully unzipped, Vergil pulled his dick out and put it in Samus's mouth, and she sucked him clean on the bed.

Backing up just a bit, it's somewhat worth noting that they'd taken two sips of the white wine before chugging it completely. Both on the precipice of impossible intoxication, they first made out on the couch, kissing like they'd been horning each other up all throughout dinner.

Samus eventually guided her slick date back to her bedroom, where she said, "Wait right there."

Waiting right there, Vergil reclined on the edge of the bed while the blonde bounty hunter sought out matters in her bathroom. He reflected silently, knowing his fling with Crimson Viper was over and done with, and since his other entanglement with Jean Grey entailed too many mind games, he was glad to move on to better things—er, ladies.

Speaking of ladies, the one he was about to bone finally reentered the room, stripped down to her bra and thong. Vergil dished out a concentrated compliment, "That's fantastic."

"I thought you'd like it. Now, let me take care of you, devil-boy."

So anyway, she sucked him clean on the bed, and the head was so good, he took it personally, so he repaid the favor and then some—definitely capitalizing on that "inward shuffle."

Eventually, they completely banished their clothing in favor of sweaty coitus, the kind that required no sheets or comforter whatsoever, and Vergil found himself expertly hitting his tempo before switching styles to Back Slayer. Both in position, he almost got a little too excited, seconds away from plugging in the wrong hole.

"Oh, that was careless," Vergil muttered.

"No, you can try it," Samus informed.

Taken aback fifty leagues, the half-devil stammered, "Wa…wait—what, are you serious?"

"Yeah," said the butt-naked bounty hunter. Looking back, she added, "Only if you want to."

"Well, uh…yeah, sure…" Vergil couldn't back down now. Locating the dim star in the dark room, he said while pressing his soldier's helm against it, "So…you've done this before?"

"Just with dildos and my ex-boyfriend. His dick was way smaller than yours, though."

"Well, cheers…"

He tried pushing it in for five seconds before Samus needed to put the kibosh on that activity. And so, they proceeded to bang it out normally, in doggystyle, then prone, then doggy again, then reverse cowgirl, then regular cowgirl, and then missionary before Vergil busted into his condom. Fuck pulling out. He spent the night and left early.

-X-

"But nothing compares to the night we had in Tuscany. We had relations on a balcony by the ocean. I even did that crisscross thing with my hands."

Dante admired the peaks. "That's badass. You two ever get to spar, or what?"

"'Spar'? No, we're not like you, Dante."

"Shame. Tell me you at least went out and brutalized that crazy driver. You know, for a date-night, or something?"

Recalling some past events, Vergil said, "Actually, we did end up tailing that purple-overall freak one night. But then we had to cut it short when he entered some sort of sex dungeon. It just didn't seem worth it."

"Probably a good call." Checking their stash of star-shaped fruit, Dante determined, "Guess we could save the rest of these for later—"

Suddenly, demons appeared, ranging from Queen Empusas, to Hell Antenoras, and even bitch-ass Furies.

"Time to go to work," Dante chimed, standing to his feet. "Let's see who kills the most. Loser has to 'play goalie'."

Following after his brother, Vergil clutched his sword and built up his concentration, agreeing, "You're on. Try not to slack off."