WARNING: This chapter contains a character death and very intense scenes.
4 Months Later
The past few months have been challenging. They have been a rollercoaster of good, bad, happy, sad and downright frustrating.
It can't be more than fifty degrees outside. The entire summer was much too cold, and now that colder weather is coming, they all find themselves worrying. They haven't had gas service in months which means no heat.
They are lucky to get four hours of electricity a week now. Sometimes three days will go by before it's on at all. They have taken to keeping their dirty clothes in a basket next to the washer and rushing to wash them as soon as the power kicks on and praying it will stay on the entire cycle.
Things that need to be washed right away they wash in the bathtub. Showers are often in the dark, and always with cold water. It's all that's available. Alex can't stand to have cold water wash over her so she washes herself from a bucket of water.
There is a designated bathroom flashlight that no one is allowed to remove from the bathroom, and an entire drawer of spare batteries for it. Washing and doing your business by flashlight isn't easy, but neither is doing it in complete darkness. At least the toilet still flushes; for now.
It all feels very primitive, very 1800s.
Everyone's relationships have changed over the past months. Alex and Olivia's marriage has only gotten stronger, and Noah's bond with both his mothers has only grown. They have started homeschooling him – as much as they can, anyway.
Alex's relationship with Casey has gotten much better. The two talk frequently, the deck at night being their place of choice. Olivia never bothers them when she sees them talking together. She's glad Alex has a friend, and she needs someone other than her wife to talk to sometimes.
Olivia and Casey started going on food runs a couple months ago when their food supply started to run low. They couldn't count on electricity to cook, which cut down what they had by half. They had no way to refrigerate anything, which also left the crop pretty small.
More and more homes were abandoned, and they started going to houses in the area. Most had already been raided, but they managed to get a good amount of food, extra clothing and blankets, electric heaters, and even comic books for Noah.
The food was never much; dry cereal, pop tarts, canned goods, stale chips…whatever they could find that could be consumed without electricity. When they did have power they would have a special treat of a real meal. Cooked pasta had become their favorite "special treat".
On one particular day Casey had been beside herself with joy when she came back with a stack of adult coloring books. That evening she, Alex and Noah colored for hours.
There are no stores left open. The ones that aren't completely looted are hit frequently, people fighting for supplies, shooting each other. Olivia and Casey had walked into one such situation, finding three bodies in a receiving area near a loading dock. Killed for trying to gather supplies so they could survive. It seemed so wrong.
There are no police units now; basically no government. The President stopped addressing the nation, his location unknown. There are rumors he is dead. The governor's speeches are few and far between and filled with false hopes. Promises of fuel returning and food distribution to each family that never comes to fruition.
The radio broadcasts say there is one hospital still operating in Manhattan that has not run out of medical supplies. They had managed to get air drops of desperately needed items twice. Anyone needing prescription medication is told to come here and they will help if they can. Anyone needing medical attention is to be triaged, as space and treatments are limited. There is sickness rampant due to unsanitary living conditions, a bad flu strain hitting the area, and lots of cases of food poisoning due to folks becoming so desperate that they will eat anything. E coli has been discovered to be in the drinking water.
The past couple of weeks things had been getting worse from a safety standpoint. They saw numerous people walk by their house, but thankfully no one tried anything. Yet. They heard gunshots almost daily. Although it was rare to see considering the state of fuel, sometimes cars would go speeding by.
A worrisome conversation in bed led to Olivia asking Alex something she never wanted to; she asked Alex to allow her to teach her to shoot.
Olivia always knew Alex's disdain for guns. One had destroyed her life. Though it occurred years before, the trauma she suffered because of a gun haunted her almost daily. Olivia fought many nightmares with the blonde, soothed her many times a sound would ring out that even sounded like a gun.
So asking Alex something as difficult as facing the thing she feared the most didn't come easy to Olivia. It forced her to reveal things she had seen on the food runs that she previously kept from Alex.
It scared Alex to the core, but she agreed to learn. She wanted to be able to contribute and to be able to defend her family and herself if necessary.
Olivia and Casey stopped going on food runs a week ago, when they encountered another scavenging group. They were hitting the nicer neighborhoods, wanting to branch out for supplies. The other group was all men – in ski masks to hide their identities. They would go into houses and shoot, take whatever they wanted. Olivia and Casey had hidden, watching and listening in terror as these men would take what they wanted. They would even hit occupied houses.
The day Alex got up the nerve to try and shoot was a mild day. It got a bit warmer than earlier in the week, and Casey took Noah to the lake behind the house to fish. Casey took him frequently and he had become a seasoned fisherman; he loved the idea to catching fish that they could possibly eat. It also got Noah out of the house, which he needed.
The air quality had become quite bad the past month. The sky always looked gray and there was always a haze in the air. The radio reports say it's ash from the many volcanic eruptions that are occurring all over the world.
Olivia started to cough almost immediately when they stepped outside. She had suffered asthma as a child and was always sensitive to air quality.
The coughing concerned Alex, but when she suggested they go back inside Olivia wouldn't have any of it. She knew it was important that Alex learn.
"Okay, baby," she tells her softly. She takes her hand. "The safety is on and I'm going to hand you the gun. Okay? I don't want you to do anything right now. I just want you to hold it and get a feel for it."
Alex takes a deep breath and then she nods. She holds out her hand and Olivia very gently hands her the pistol.
Alex's hand is shaking as her fist closes around the cold metal. A chill goes through her body. The object she is so casually holding in her hand has the power to kill. It has killed, every day, everywhere in the world. People have lost their mothers, fathers, sisters, brothers, husbands, wives, sons and daughters because of it.
It "killed" Alex Cabot one day.
Alex turns it over and looks at it, examining every part.
"See? It's just an object, Alex. It has no control over you. You control it."
"One of these killed me," Alex mumbles. Recollection of that night on the street hits Alex and she looks up at Olivia weakly. "It does control me."
Olivia shakes her head. She steps up beside her wife and picks up the hand holding the gun. She closes her hand around Alex's, squeezing it and the gun. Very slowly she raises both of their hands until Alex's arm is perpendicular to her body.
"I'm going to let go now," Olivia practically whispers. "You can do this. I want you to keep your arm out straight, okay? Keep a hold of the gun."
Alex inhales sharply and holds it. She nods, indicating she is ready. Olivia locks her brown eyes onto Alex's and smiles. The Olivia Benson smile that always warms Alex on the coldest of days. The smile that means all is right with the world.
A sudden sound of shrill laughter startles them, and they both jump and look towards the lake where Casey and Noah are fishing. Noah is laughing hysterically, no doubt at something Casey said.
It moves both of them, and Alex finds herself smiling despite the fear inside of her.
Olivia slowly releases Alex's hand and before the attorney has a chance to react, she's holding the gun out away from her body, in a natural position.
Olivia takes advantage of the position and steps behind her. She lines their bodies up and puts her mouth to Alex's ear. "Lift the gun slightly, keeping your shoulder taut."
Alex starts to shake. She's not ready for this. "I…I can't fire it yet."
"You're not going to. You're just going to get a feel for it," Olivia assures her. "You are not going to do anything you are not ready for."
Alex makes no attempt to raise the gun, and Olivia knows she must switch tactics.
"Remember, you are in control. That piece of metal does only what you command it to do. If you tell it to protect Noah, or me, or Casey, or yourself, it will. It won't fail you." She puts her hand on Alex's back. "Believe in yourself, Alex. Have confidence in yourself. You can overcome your fear. That gun doesn't have power over you unless you let it."
Alex has never listened to something more than those words. She takes them into her heart where they stay. And without further hesitation, she raises the gun and points it at an invisible target in the woods.
"Don't let it have power over you," Olivia goes on. "It will never control you again."
A look of determination graces Alex's beautiful face, and she squeezes the trigger. She's aware the safety is on, but she just wants to feel it, to know what it's like when that decision is made.
Olivia steps up beside her again, smiling. She places her hand on Alex's arm. "I'm so proud of you." She hesitates, and then asks, "Do you want me to take the safety off? Do you want to try to shoot it?"
Alex appears horrified. Holding it with the safety on and actually shooting it are two different beasts, and Alex isn't sure she's ready for the latter.
But Olivia thinks she is. She saw that look on her face, the look of a woman in control. The look of a woman needing to face the thing she fears the most.
"Alex?" Olivia asks again. "Do you want to fire it?"
Alex looks up and is surprised by the words that tumble out of her mouth. "Yes. I do."
Olivia smiles again. She gently takes the gun from Alex and switches the safety off. She hands it back to her – extremely carefully this time.
"Always be mindful of the trigger," Olivia says, watching as Alex looks down at the pistol in her hands. "Always be aware of it. Mistakes can cost you." She squeezes her hand. "I trust you, Alex. Don't make a mistake. Be in control."
Alex swallows, visibly nervous. "What do I shoot at?"
"Just shoot into the woods. I'll come up with some targets for you tomorrow. Just get through the initial firing today." Olivia looks towards the lake where Noah and Casey are still fishing. "But let's warn them first."
Olivia cups her hands around her mouth and yells at Casey and Noah. They turn and look at her in perfect unison. Olivia points at Alex. "She's going to shoot – don't be alarmed!"
Noah turns and says something to Casey, and Casey holds up her finger, signaling them to wait. Noah hauls his fishing pole onto shore and races towards them, Casey right behind him.
"I want to watch," Noah says with a grin.
Alex smiles. She's suddenly less nervous with her son smiling at her so warmly. He believes she can do this.
"You look bad ass, Alex," Casey comments with a smile. "Just don't shoot me, okay?"
Alex laughs. She looks at her audience. "I don't know if I can do this under pressure. You all expect me to succeed."
"Because you always do," Olivia says. "Now, point and pull the trigger."
Alex hesitates only a few moments. Then she raises the gun, closes her eyes, and pulls the trigger.
She was expecting more of a recoil. The gun feels hot in her hand, and she does stumble back a few steps, but she's still anchored to the moment.
When she opens her eyes she's still standing in her yard surrounded by her family. They are all smiling and cheering for her, her wife pulling her into a tight hug and telling her how proud she is.
She is not lying on her back bleeding in the street. Olivia is not looking over her, begging her to stay with her. She is not transported back to that awful place.
Noah tugs on Alex's hand, pulling her back towards the house. As she follows her family back inside, she leaves her fear behind for good.
2.
The next week is challenging and emotional.
The day after Alex's first shooting lesson they had woken up to discover Casey had left in the middle of the night and left a note behind.
The note had said she was going to go beyond the city and see what's left out there. They are running out of supplies and food and will have to move on soon and Casey wanted to discover what might be out there for them. She had taken her gun, extra ammo and minimal supplies and promised to return within three days.
Everyone was upset that she left, but surprisingly, Alex took it the hardest. She refused to talk about it and would go on a cleaning binge when Olivia would try to discuss it with her. Olivia was logical and knew that Casey did what was necessary for them, but Alex felt betrayed. She had grown close to her the past few months and was hurt she would leave the way she did.
Casey had become family to Noah, Alex and Olivia. And she believed – like Olivia did – that you have to take care of your family.
The three day timeline Casey had given came and went turned into five days, but neither Alex or Olivia wanted to bring up that fact. So they just went about their daily routines, carefully sorting out their food and hoping wherever Casey was, she was having better luck than they were.
It's Sunday night when Noah sighs from the floor of the living room. "I wish Casey was here to play a game with me."
Olivia looks at him sympathetically. "I'll play a game with you," Olivia offers with a smile, sitting down cross-legged on the floor. "Get out whatever you want to play."
Noah doesn't smile. "But she didn't let me win so it was fun to play with her."
Olivia feels badly for Noah. He had liked Casey; enjoyed talking about sports with her, playing games with her, fishing with her. He even started calling her Aunt Casey.
Olivia pokes her son. "I won't let you win. Now go pick something."
Alex is washing dishes in the sink, and she smirks when she sees Noah come out of his bedroom with Battleship.
Olivia groans just as Alex walks into the living room drying her hands. "That groan is definitely understood. Noah and I always blast you out of the water in this game; no pun intended."
Olivia glares at her wife as she sits down next to their son, already taking sides. "We didn't invite you."
Alex smirks again. "Too bad, I invited myself. And I doubt Noah will mind."
They have a great time playing. They laugh and forget the world around them, and Noah and Alex thoroughly enjoy beating Olivia.
"You two gang up on me; you guys aren't fair to play with," Olivia says as she puts the game away. She watches as they both scurry to Noah's room, leaving her to clean up. "And then you leave me to clean up? Really guys?"
"The loser puts away the game," Noah says in a sing song voice from his bedroom doorway.
Olivia can't help but smile. Even in these hard times she can always count on her to son to spread joy.
Olivia is just putting the game away when the electricity comes on. It's been three days without it, so it's like Christmas.
They do their usual electricity routine - Olivia rushes to throw laundry in, Noah quickly plugs in his Nintendo switch and iPad to charge them, and Alex throws the bottles of water they have left in the fridge, as if it ever makes a difference.
"Can we do a movie?" Noah asks with excitement.
It breaks Olivia's heart to hear Noah have to ask for something so innocent. They should be able to watch a movie as a family any time they want. It's not fair such a small thing has been taken from them.
Olivia and Noah pick out a movie and Alex is hailed as a hero for finding a bag of microwave popcorn shoved in the back of a cupboard.
Once the movie is selected and popcorn is popped, they settle down on the couch, pulling down the fleece blanket from the back to cuddle under.
They know the electricity might not outlast the movie, but they will take every second they can get.
It feels like old times. It's like any regular Sunday at home, eating popcorn and watching a movie. The three of them could almost convince themselves that everything is normal.
Almost.
The movie of choice is Toy Story 4 and they all enjoy watching Woody and Buzz Lightyear's antics, finding themselves laughing at the movie.
Their joy lasts until about halfway through the movie. Suddenly, Olivia bolts up on the couch. A shadow goes by, and seems to stop, eclipsing the light in the living room. They hear a loud slam of a car door and they all jump up off the couch.
It sounds like it's right outside the house.
Olivia grabs the gun she always keeps with her from the end table and immediately moves to the front window to look out. She sees a black pickup truck parked on the terrace, and three men pour out of it. They have ski masks and are all holding rifles. She clutches her gun tightly as she watches them rush up to the house right next door, which, thankfully, has been abandoned for weeks.
Olivia rushes to Noah and Alex, who are standing in fear and clutching each other. They have planned for this scenario, but now that it's here, it's like all the talk has gone away. Alex is frozen in fear, squeezing Noah's shoulders.
"Should we go out the back?" Alex asks, her voice shaking.
There's shouting outside now, a door slamming again. Angry voices, arguing. And then a gunshot, which pierces through the air and makes Alex want to scream.
"No time," Olivia says. Her entire body is ridged with intensity and fear. She grabs Noah and Alex and walks them down the hallway, pushing them both into the far-left closet; the closet that has a lock on the door. Before she slams the door, she says, "Do not come out. Lock the door. Stay quiet." She hesitates to close the door, her eyes red rimmed as she says, "I love you guys," and then closes the door.
Alex's hand is trembling as she turns the lock. She's crying, warm tears cascading down her cheeks as she pulls Noah into her arms. His small shaking body is clinging to her for dear life.
She can't believe this is happening. It shouldn't be happening. She shouldn't be hiding in a closet. She should be out there helping to defend them and their home.
Alex strains to listen. She hears nothing for several minutes, which is a good sign. But then, all too soon, she hears the sound of a window shattering and she has to put her hand over her mouth to keep from screaming.
There are voices – at least three that she can make out. The only words she can clearly make out are "take whatever you can".
She squeezes her eyes closed. She hopes that Olivia is just lying low. Let them take what they want. Let them take everything. As long as they don't hurt them, what does it matter?
Olivia had always said she would take a shot as long as it was reasonable to do so. She hadn't heard a shot yet; either the men were too heavily armed, or Olivia couldn't get a good shot.
The next few minutes Alex holds her breath as she listens to hurried footsteps going in and out of the kitchen. She hears the squeak of the pantry door, hears plastic crinkling. Their food is no doubt being taken. She hears footsteps go right by the closet, way too close. She knows they are going into the bedrooms. Probably to take clothes or whatever they can.
"There is someone here," she hears one of the men say. "A movie is playing on the TV and there's a bowl of popcorn on the coffee table."
Alex squeezes Noah tighter. She holds her breath, straining to listen.
"Check the woods. We will check the house."
Footsteps get further away, and Alex feels a momentary pang of relief. She kisses the top of Noah's head and whispers that it's going to be okay, even if she isn't sure it is.
And then all hell breaks loose.
She hears a surprised shout of "hey!" and then a gunshot. The sound goes right through her, piercing her soul. Noah cries and covers his ears with his hands, and Alex puts her hand on her chest, trying to remain calm.
"You bitch!" another voice shouts. Alex hears a slam, as if something is being knocked over. "Get on the floor! Now!"
Alex's heart is going to pound right out of her chest. Noah is crying, and shaking his head, and then they hear Olivia's stern voice.
"Get out of my home!" she screams. Her voice is strong and doesn't waver, full of bravery.
Alex wished she felt bravery at this moment.
There is another shot, and then shouting again. "I said on the floor! Drop your weapon!"
Do it, Olivia…just do it. Just let them go. Let them go, Alex silently pleads.
There is another voice, and then the louder one says, "Let's not take this one. Let's kill her instead."
The words echo in Alex's head and she feels all the blood drain from her face.
She's too shocked to notice Noah wrenching out of her grasp, a nearly silent, "Mom!" escaping from his lips as he unlocks the closet door. The closet door is open and he is already bolting towards the voices when Alex snaps herself out of her terror and is able to react.
"N – Noah!" she cries, barely audible. She desperately wants to get up to grab him, but it's like her brain won't send the signal to her legs to make them move. She's a crying heap, not able to catch her breath and absolutely terrified.
The next sound Alex hears will stay with her for the rest of her life. It will play on a constant loop in her mind and haunt her dreams for the rest of her life.
There's another shot, followed by the most gut wrenching, sorrowful scream she has heard. It's such an awful, desperate sound of loss that it shatters Alex's heart. Not the sound of physical pain; but the sound of absolute pain nonetheless.
The scream continues, shattering Alex's soul more every second that it lasts. After it ends, the sounds of crying fill her ears and she would recognize that crying anywhere – Olivia.
"Fuck, that was a kid! Fuck!" she hears someone shout. "Fuck!"
There is arguing, yelling and then another voice. "Get her out of her. Just take her back to the base. We have enough."
Thirty seconds later Alex hears several car doors slam and the sound of a motor starting. She sits completely still until she hears nothing else.
Alex can't stop shaking. "Oh my god, oh my god…" she says over and over as she forces her body to cooperate with her and climb unsteadily to her feet.
The commotion had come from the kitchen. She has to get there. Whatever happened, she has to see for herself.
She wants to vomit as soon as she gets to the doorway. There's a man in a black hoodie laying half in and half out of the kitchen, a gunshot wound in his forehead and a pool of blood around him. His mouth is open in a perfect O formation and he stares blankly at the ceiling.
She forces herself to look away, stepping as far away from the carnage as possible and holding her breath the entire time.
When she turns her head to the left and looks into the kitchen, she feels herself disconnect from her body. She can't be seeing what she thinks she is seeing.
Noah is laying face down in the middle of the kitchen. A pool of blood around his middle is getting bigger and bigger. He isn't moving, and as Alex drops to her knees beside him she feels as if everything is in slow motion.
She rolls him over, and he shows faints signs of life. His eyes briefly open and he lets out a pain filled moan.
Alex is crying harder than she thought was possible and pulls his head into her lap. His light blue shirt is stained with blood coming from his chest, and his breath is coming out in great gasps.
"Noah….Noah…" Alex says, squeezing his hand and kissing his forehead. "I'm here, honey. I'm here. You aren't alone.
Noah looks at Alex; looks into her soul, and she's sure he's conscious enough to know what is happening at this moment. She knows she has seconds – maybe minutes – left.
"I love you, Noah. I will always love you." She's overtaken with tears as she strokes his forehead while he starts to shake. "It's okay, baby. It's okay. I love you. I love you."
Noah Benson takes his last breath one minute later, being held in Alex's loving arms and knowing without a doubt that he is loved.
So...what do you think will happen now? Where did they take Olivia? Things will be pretty full of action from here. Please review!