Author's Note -

I do not own Gintama.

Fighting.
Fighting with China.
Trying to kill Hijikata.
His sister.

In no particular order, these were the only things Okita Sougo considered noteworthy in his otherwise dull life.

And then there was his sadism. In times of boredom, Sougo could always rely on the pain of other people to make him feel better. But today, the sweaty and tormented faces of the Shinsengumi men weren't doing anything for him. Irritated, he barked out another order.

'Increase the pace to 60 swings a minute!'

However, even watching their faces contort in misery didn't ease the churning in his gut. He was contemplating on whether he should try to kill Hijikata with his bazooka next or through poisoning when the object of his wanderings appeared at his side and addressed Sougo's squad.

'Oi. Go take a break.' On hearing their vice-chief's orders, the men heaved out relieved sighs and hurried out of sight while Sougo tried not to let his agitation show on his face.

'Hijikata-san, if you really have no other work than to interfere in other people's jobs, you can take over my patrolling duty.'

Hijikata exhaled a puff of smoke as he spoke. 'You're supposed to be training your squad, not torturing them. If this goes on any longer, they'll be incapable of moving.'

'Then, would you rather I torture you instead?' Hijikata looked at him sideways for a long time before saying anything. Sougo had always despised the man for how perceptive he was. No matter the lack of expressions on Sougo's face, it was as if Hijikata had a special sensor when it came to Sougo's inner turmoil. And the moment he sensed it, he'd seek Sougo out like a moth does a flame.

Before Sougo could make an excuse to leave, Hijikata spoke, staring off in the distance. 'You haven't been doing that either. I haven't had to dodge any bombs or check my mayonnaise for poison for a few days now. That's rare. Are you sulking because you finally lost to the China girl?'

Upon hearing her name, her face flashed in front of his eyes. The last time he'd seen her, she'd had tears in her eyes and her expression had been one of pure loathing. He'd never seen her looking like that before. China was, what he considered, an emotional idiot. She cried easily, she laughed easily, she believed in others easily. It didn't take much to make her happy or angry.

But she was also innocent. Despite having seen the ugly sides of people, she always chose to see the good in them. She was always giving people chances and things like that had gotten her in trouble plenty of times, like with the Titan boy. So, what had surprised Sougo the most was that China was even capable of looking like that. That she was capable of feeling such animosity toward someone. What Sougo wasn't surprised about, however, was that he had been the one to push her that far.

Thinking about this was aggravating the unpleasant sensation in his stomach. It had now spread toward his chest and he clenched his jaw and redirected his attention to the present, trying for his usual deadpan tone.

'I didn't know you missed me so much, Hijikata-san. Don't worry; now that you have requested it, I'll double my assassination efforts.'

In his typical fashion, Hijikata burst out 'That's not what I meant!' then sighed. 'Listen, I'm not going to beat around the bush. It doesn't take a genius to know that something went down between you and that girl. She was visiting you every day and then she stopped and now you've been even more withdrawn than usual. Hell, this might be the closest to miserable that I've seen you after…' He trailed off before shaking his head and continuing. 'Well, knowing you, I'm pretty sure you're the one to blame for that so, what are you going to do about it?'

'What are you talking about? I've been completely fine. I've been doing my patrolling duties, I'm up-to-date on paperwork, and I was even engaging with my squad until you rudely interrupted us.' Sougo completely ignored the other parts of Hijikata's statement. He would be fine until he didn't have to talk or think about anything related to her. In a few more days, this feeling in his chest and stomach would go away as well. He just needed some time, that's all. That's all.

'Tch. Hardheaded as usual.' Hijikata looked at him with an almost pitying expression and it almost broke Sougo's indifferent and bored act. 'Sougo, I'm only going to say this once, so pay attention. I loved your sister and I regret every single day that I didn't spend with her. Even if it was for a short time, I could have made her happy; made myself happy. But in the end, I chose the path that brought us nothing but pain.' While talking about Mitsuba, Hijikata's expression revealed the immense sorrow that he usually kept locked away. But then he turned his head away, took a long drag of his cigarette, and continued.

'I don't know the specifics of your situation but if you're avoiding starting anything with the China girl because you're afraid of losing her or hurting her, then don't. Because if you continue like this, you're already doing both the things you don't want to do. In life, you don't get a lot of shots at happiness. So when you do get one, you need to make sure you grab it with both hands and never let go. Don't make the same mistake I did.'

Sougo wanted to make a sarcastic comment about Hijikata changing occupations to a therapist but seeing the raw pain and regret on Hijikata's face made his throat close up. Sougo had never been comfortable with displays of emotion and seeing the most stoic person he knew exhibit such vulnerability made him want to stab his superior just so he could end the awkward moment. He also hadn't expected Hijikata to see through Sougo's fears so easily. Everything Sougo had avoided thinking about for years was now thrown in his face and he had no choice but to confront it.

Hijikata turned to leave, but before he could go, he aimed a parting shot that made Sougo want to grab his bazooka and shoot his superior's head off. 'Mitsuba didn't raise a coward. Don't take the easy way out.'

Thinking about his sister always calmed Sougo before the inevitable grief swept him up. She had been a mass of contradictions – a frail body and strong will, a sweet disposition and spicy taste, a smart mind and a naive heart – and the person Sougo had loved beyond reason. He hadn't known it then but with her passing, Sougo had instinctively erected more walls around his heart to prevent himself from experiencing the gut-wrenching pain of losing someone again. Because as far as he knew, that's all relationships ultimately ever did: bring pain. So it was no surprise that he had chosen not to act on his feelings for China.

He had first known he liked her when he'd seen her playing with her friends in the park. She had been sixteen and her recent growth spurt in all the right areas had had all the boys flocking around her. Sougo had been irritated, angry, and as he would later find out, jealous. He had fluttered around the park for five minutes before going to her and throwing the first insult that had come to mind. And as soon as she had set her eyes on him, her face twisting in anger, his irritation had dissipated and he'd felt like he'd won first place in a race he hadn't known he was competing in.

At the time, Sougo had dismissed his feelings as fleeting. He was just attracted to her because she was strong. He only sought her out because she entertained him. He only spent almost all of his salary feeding her because he enjoyed making fun of her as she ate. Those were the excuses he would give himself.

But there were times when even the best of his excuses didn't work. Like when he would leave the bed of a woman in Yoshiwara halfway through because he'd just realized the color of her hair wasn't right. When he couldn't sleep on the days he hadn't seen her because his day had been filled with meetings at the compound. When he had started craving her presence, not for fights or insults, but just because he wanted her by his side.

He had mostly succeeded in locking his feelings up and continuing on with their frenemy relationship but there were times when he would slip up. These were things he had no control over. Often, after days and weeks of holding back, his mouth and body would have a mind of their own. He would taunt her with sexual innuendos that masked how desperately he wanted to follow through with his suggestions. His hands would linger on her skin a bit longer than necessary when they were fighting. He would offer to treat her to lunch after a fight simply because he wanted to spend more time with her.

The final nail in the coffin, however, had been when he'd almost died. Sougo had always thought that the whole 'your life flashing in front of your eyes' thing was bullshit. He had known that he would die fighting and even fight death until his last breath. But when the moment had finally come, he hadn't thought about striking his killer or even surviving until help came. His mind had only been filled with her. He'd remembered what she'd looked like when she'd sat on his stomach after defeating him in another one of their fights. Her hair had been a mess, her face bleeding, and dirt and sweat clung to every inch of her skin. But her eyes had glowed brighter than any sunrise and her smile had been the most brilliant thing he'd witnessed. He didn't remember any of the thoughts he'd had before he lost consciousness. They could have been along the lines of I want to see China one last time or I want to defeat China one last time. He'd never know. But all he knew is that she had been the sole occupant of his thoughts.

After that, Sougo had known that trying to fool himself any further was a lost cause. Especially when she'd shyly visited him every single day, always coming in with a barely there smile on her face but with eyes that had revealed her relief and happiness and…love.

Idiot girl, so naïve. Sougo had thought, ignoring his own heart that would start beating faster at the sight of her. He had always had his suspicions that she had liked him but her behavior after the war, after he'd almost died, had confirmed it for him. Whether she knew it or not, her eyes revealed every single emotion she felt. And when she was like that, Sougo forgot all about why he didn't want to be with her. He had begun looking forward to her visits and a little voice inside of him had wished he would stay injured a little longer. But then the prideful part of Sougo had killed that little voice, preventing any further thoughts.

It was also the same prideful part had been struggling to stay sane when she had stopped visiting. He had told himself it was for the best. As much as he hated to admit it, Sougo had known for years that he wasn't strong enough to stay away from her. So he had decided that when things got too far, he would be the one to push her away.

He'd done it once when she'd first visited him and his insecurity had flared up, thinking he'd never be enough for her. He'd said something crude about her servicing him, hoping she would leave and he wouldn't have to feel this way. But when he'd seen the devastated look in her eyes, his plan had flown out the window and he'd been ready to cut himself open to make sure she didn't look like that again.

So he was glad that she was saving him the effort by distancing herself from him. In the days that followed, he distracted himself with work. He wandered the streets of Kabukicho hoping to catch a glimpse of her under the pretense of patrolling. When he didn't see her, he tortured his men to ease his frustration under the pretense of training. And when that didn't work, he sulked pitifully in his room under the pretense of nursing his injuries.

Sougo thought he had been doing fine despite the constant thoughts he had of her and the persistent ache in his chest. It's just a matter of time, he told himself repeatedly. He had thought that the next time he saw her he'd make a joke about how he'd started recovering faster now that he didn't have to spend hours in her horrid company. Anything to hide his true feelings on the matter.

But he'd forgotten about all of that when he'd seen her laughing and fucking climbing a guy. It was as if Sougo's heart had burst open, spilling black tar that had travelled through his blood to every cell in his body. In that moment, he had only wanted two things: to kill the guy she was with and to hurt her the way he was hurting. When she had thwarted the former, something that had aggravated his hatred, he'd directed all his energy toward the latter.

Putting on his 'I could care less' mask hadn't taken much effort. It was Sougo's default, his self-preservation technique that he'd perfected over years. But that mask had cracked when she'd mentioned her and the cherry boy getting intimate and it had finally shattered when she'd admitted to spending time with some other guy while he had been pining away for her.

He didn't think about how this was what he had wanted; for her to stop loving him so he could at least try to stop loving her. He didn't think about how he had no right to stop her; she was free to go out with any guy she wanted. And he didn't think about how irrational and unfair he was being with his hot and cold attitude. In that moment, he had been nothing but a being consumed by hatred and jealousy, and he had lashed out with a statement that was bound to rip her apart. A statement that would later drown him in a pool of his own guilt and misery.

Her attack hadn't surprised him as much as her confession had. For all the thinking that Sougo had done over the past years, he hadn't once thought of what he would do if she confessed to him. So, Sougo had been dumbfounded, even after being hit by her umbrella and bruising three of his ribs.

He never thought of chasing her. He was too busy trying to tamp down his happiness that had rapidly spread through his veins. It was as if a switch had been flipped and the darkness covering him had been shrouded in light.

His earlier reservations about being in a relationship with her still persisted but now that she had confessed and being with her was a reality that was within the reach of his hand, they only seemed like minor inconveniences. Minor inconveniences that he could have flicked away with two of his fingers.

But that didn't mean Sougo was going to chase her down the street and confess his undying love for her. She might have rendered years of his restraint useless with just a few words but Sougo had a stubborn streak that was a mile long.

He had been standing on the proverbial edge, clinging to his now insignificant reasons about why a relationship with China would wreck him, when Hijikata had appeared like a nicotine-smelling fairy godmother and pushed him over.

'If you're avoiding starting anything with the China girl because you're afraid of losing her or hurting her, then don't. Because if you continue like this, you're already doing both the things you don't want to do.'

Sougo had known that. He'd just needed to hear it from someone else so he could finally do something about his situation. And now that Hijikata had done him that favor, the creative part of his brain, the one that was always working toward the most innovative ideas on how to kill the vice-chief, had started thinking of ways he could win China back.

He knew that he had his work cut out for him after the unforgivable words he'd spoken, but he was prepared to ask for forgiveness no matter how long it took. If there was one thing that Sougo was, apart from a sadist, it was dedicated. He would just add his 'asking for forgiveness' task above 'trying to kill Hijikata' in his daily calendar. China wouldn't stand a chance against his perseverance.

What do you think? :)