TRIGGER WARNING:SELF HARMEMETOPHOBIA

As she woke up meredith felt that her back really hurt and she felt that this definitely wasn't her bed. She slowly opened her eyes and felt the hangover hit her full force. A wave of nausea hit her and she quickly spotted the toilet in her bathroom. She hurried to reach it and started throwing up as soon as she had opened it.

That was when she realized that she must have fallen asleep on her bathroom floor.

She considered taking an aspirin for the headache caused by the hangover but decided to take a Tylenol instead. Derek had told her that aspirin works but she didn't believe him. He was a liar so why should he be right with this one?

She felt that her stomach had calmed down and the Tylenol had already started to show some effect for her headache.

She felt a familiar ache on her thigh and her left forearm. She had to changer her bandages. She rolled up her sleeve and took off her bandage. She saw that her cuts were already healing a bit she hadn't made them too deep and none of them needed stitches. She hadn't put much pressure on the scalpel so the cuts looked more like deeper scratches than real cuts. They were already healed so far that she didn't have to put a new bandage. Now she took off the bandage on her leg and saw that the cuts were already healing a little bit. And she felt the temptation start again. She wanted to add some more lines. She had to add them because she had to punish herself. She had to punish herself for being a slut who likes fucking married men. Because she liked fucking derek. Although she didn't know he was married she still had fucked a married man and she had enjoyed it. And she had begged him. Her hand quickly grabbed the scalpel from the floor where she let it fall down last night and made three quick lines on her right thigh. One for Derek, one for Derek's wife and one for being a slut. Meredith was disgusted by herself. She quickly took off her shirt and panties and got into the shower with blood still dripping down her leg.

She turned on the shower and started washing her hair quickly with her lavender shampoo and conditioner. Then she took her lavender body wash, yes all her shower stuff smelled like lavender, and started rubbing it on her body. She started with her upper body and felt a slight burn when she reached her left arm. It wasn't too bad so she knew that scrubbing in wasn't going to be that horrible. Then she had to wash her legs. That burned way more than washing her arms though. The pain was her punishment and she deserved every bit of it.

She got out of the shower and wrapped herself into one of the towels in her bathroom. She dried herself off and put new bandages on her leg before going into her room and putting on her clothes for the day. She took a look on her alarm clock and saw that it was only 5:30AM, her shift was going to start at 6:15AM so she was ready right on time. She went downstairs and saw George and Izzie in the kitchen. She had to act normal, she couldn't let them realize that she was completely hungover. The headache wasn't as bad anymore but it still hurt. She smiled at them and said a quick good morning as she entered the Kitchen and saw that they had already made coffee. She took a normal cup and her travel mug and filled both with pure black coffee. She took a big gulp from her cup and sat down. Meredith was still too tired for a conversation as were Izzie and George. Izzie had made some pancakes and Meredith put four on her plate and drenched them in a lot of Sirup. She ate them quickly and as she finished they all looked at each other and stood up to go to the car and drive into work.

The drive with George driving was rather quiet because they all were pretty tired and Meredith wasn't really in the mood to start a conversation. She was deep in thought. It hurt. It hurt so much. But she was used to the pain. Meredith Grey never was good enough for anyone. Everyone who had ever really meant something to Meredith left her.

Her mother left her, her father left her, her sister left her, the man she wanted to marry someday left her and her second father figure left her too. She wasn't worth it for them to stay with her. OK, that was an unfair thing to say. Sadie stayed with her until Meredith left and changed her number. She wasn't any better than the others. And she hated herself for it. It was all her fault. It was always her fault and she knew it.

If she hadn't slept with an Attending in the first place she wouldn't be stuck in this dilemma and she wouldn't be hurt. But she of course had to get emotionally involved. She never got emotionally involved...

Her and Sadie had slept with what felt like almost every man in the big cities of europe. And Meredith had never felt anything. So why did she have to now? Why did it hurt so much? Why did she beg a man? Why would Meredith do that?

Easy answer, she was desperate for his love. Because she felt cared for for the first time in years. And she fell for him. She fell too hard. And then she landed. And it hurt. It hurt so damn hard.

She loved him, she really did. She would give her life for him when she had to but he would never do the same for her. She felt the tears well up in her eyes but she had to wipe them away quickly. George and Izzie couldn't see her cry. Only weak girls cried. And Meredith didn't want to be a weak girl. She heard her mother say it. "Big girls don't cry, only weak girls cry, Meredith. Shut up and stop crying now or do you want to be a weak girl?"

She couldn't cry in front of them. The only person she could cry with was Sadie but Sadie wasn't here.

The car stopped and it pulled meredith out of her thoughts. George had parked the car in the hospital parking lot and they all walked towards the elevator when she saw them...

Hand in hand they stood there waiting for the elevator. And it hurt to see them. It hurt so much when she gave meredith this smile. The smile that made fun of Meredith and said "Haha, you begged him and he chose me..."

He looked up and just stared at her. They held eye contact for a few seconds when she felt the tears well up in her eyes once again. She looked down at her shoes.

She elevator dinged and the door opened. All the people who were waiting got in and the door closed. Meredith looked to her left and saw George and Izzie and standing there. Then she turned her gaze right and Derek was standing there right next to her. She saw him holding Addisons hand and it hurt. It really hurt to see them but she couldn't change it so she just looked down on her shoes again.

The elevator stopped and Meredith quickly got out not waiting for George and Izzie and hurried to the locker room while she was wiping her tears from her eyes. She entered the locker room and realizes that she couldn't change with her legs in bandages so she grabbed her scrubs from her locker and changed in the bathroom. When she got back from the bathroom and went to wait for Dr. Bailey Cristina tried to approach her but Meredith quickly turned her head so Cristina couldn't see her longing look. Meredith really liked Cristina. At least she had until she realized what a bitch Cristina is. It was like a slap in the face when she found out that Cristina bet against her happiness, she couldn't forgive that so she just ignored Cristina's existence.

Dr. Bailey, Meredith's resident showed up and started giving them assignments. "Stevens, you're with Montgomery-Shepherd, O'Malley - Burke, Karev - Webber, Grey-Shepherd..." "What?" Meredith gasped. "Grey's you're with Shepherd, It's not my fault that you had to sleep with a married man and it's not my fault, that he dumped you but you are going to work with him today." Bailey said and Meredith just stared at her in shock and felt the tears start forming again.

Don't cry.

Don't cry.

Don't cry.

Strong girls don't cry, Meredith.

Weak girls cry, Meredith.

Are you really so weak, Meredith?

" Yes, Dr. Bailey, I'm sorry for interrupting."

"You better be, Grey. Where was I? Yang, you're in the pit today. Now go and try not to kill anyone."

Hey guys, I wrote a new chapter as yall could read and I'm so happy about it... Well I shouldn't be sooo happy about what's inside this chapter bc it really wasn't that happy but yeah, I was productive.Little funfact: 90% of this chapter was written in in person school, in the train, at a trainstation and in the bus. In person school is also one of the reasons why it took me so long. I think I won't update the next days because I have to read a 300 page book for English class (as you can see my fav. Foreign language) until Thursday and I'm only on page 50 yeah... SO I'll be busy with that book... This authors note is already waaaayyy too long so I'll just stop right here. Like always please leave reviews and votes bc those really motivate me to keep writing and have a nice day or night or whatever (it's almost 11pm rn so good night for me ig)