Chapter 7: Sending my longing

The love in a lifetime.

In this world of hatred, Mikasa called Armin her compassion. Out of everyone, even more so than Eren, she knew she'd followed Armin to the end of everything. She had followed Eren because she hadn't known any other choices. It was ingrained in her since that fateful day ten years ago. But she followed Armin, and would continue to do so because she had a choice and she chose to believe in him. Because she wasn't a slave.

Eren had always had rage running through his veins. It was his essence, his nature, the only thing that he was familiar with, because if he stopped then it meant he didn't care enough and he'd lose. But not with Mikasa and Armin. They knew other things than rage. They knew the gentle kiss of a breeze on a warm spring day, the lick of cold water in the stream, the simple satisfaction to stop everything and just listen. They knew how to live in the stillness.

Then they collided with catastrophe. With death and suffering. With blood-stained hands. With lost love. With Eren.

And they had survived.

Mikasa knew she didn't deserve to survive when the rest of humanity was gone. Armin felt the same thing too, he once confessed, but he still had hope. It was his nature. Eren had wrathful passion, Armin had humane hope, and Mikasa had quiet love.

And as Mikasa nestled her head in Armin's shoulder (he had gotten so tall, her sweet boy), he whispered, only to her, "They're safe. The papers arrived safely. We still have hope."

Mikasa believed him.

The dinner was as tense as they all could imagine it to be. Eren sat on the head of the table, a military coat in the place of his usual rugged one. Mikasa sat on his right, and Armin on his left. A dozen or so officers filled the rest of the chairs.

"A toast to the new Master Advisor, Mr. Armin Arlert, the right-hand man of Lord Yeager. May they lead Paradis into a new era," someone said.

They raised their glasses. Armin nodded and smiled.

Mikasa finally ate. Tiny bites, one step at a time.

Minister Sendrea of Treasury cleared his throat. "So, Mr. Arlert, enjoying the capital?"

"Yes, Mitras has always had the best architecture. My office faced the War Monuments, you see, and it is truly a sight of wonder."

"That is marvelous to hear. Is Mr. Bodi Anton unable to attend?"

"Unfortunately, yes. He has somewhere else to be, although he did send his regard to the Council. You have all been very welcoming to him and me."

"Of course, Mr. Arlert," Colonel Yezeko side-eyed him. "All the best for the leader of the Alliance."

Armin's smile didn't falter. "What are you saying, Colonel? There is no more Alliance. Or rather, there is no more need for the Alliance. We've all have united our causes for the greater good, haven't we?"

"Thanks to your leads, we've managed to locate Springer and Grice, so I'd say all of this works out perfectly. Although, I take that back, not too perfectly as they're still always a few steps ahead of us. Do you know something about it, Mr. Arlert?"

"Well, what can I say, they are fast runners. You just need to give a deadlier chase."

"And this bloodless plan of yours to eradicate the underground rebellion, when will you finally tell us?"

"Soon, General, patience is the greatest virtue. Some variables need to be perfected first. After all, I wouldn't want to disappoint the empire."

"As expected from a man like you. We're very glad to have a genius among our ranks. Lord Yeager will be very pleased."

"Aren't you, Eren?" Armin turned to the silent man. "You'd always said I'll make a good advisor when we were young."

Eren regarded him coolly. "Most pleased. The three of us together again, it's all what I ever wanted."

Mikasa stabbed her shrimp in a mirthless glee. Eren was always a phenomenal actor.

"But soon there will be four of us, doesn't it? We couldn't forget your future wife, Eren. I'm sure she wouldn't fancy the fact that you're always with your friends instead of her."

Oh, Mikasa almost forgot. The best actor among them had always been Armin. He manipulated emotions as cunning as he was with words. In an act of momentary spite, Mikasa raised her head and also glanced at Eren to see his reaction.

"A w-wife?" someone stuttered.

"Well, Eren is nearing his twenty already. Surely you haven't forgotten the tradition for monarchs to secure an heir or two before their twenties? Political marriage or not, an heir symbolizes the stability of the reign. I'm glad you mentioned it. I'm planning to discuss this issue as my first official advice."

"Political marriage, huh?" It was no surprise that Floch was the one actually interested in that idea.

"There are a lot of noble families who lost some of their land and wealth when the Rumbling destroyed their properties. And with the social unrest these days, it also affects the economic circulation. Who knows tomorrow they'll decide to side with the rebels to put their own banners in the palace? Marrying their daughters will keep them on leash and shows that the government still favored them."

"But what about the Lady Mikasa…?"

"She might be a good choice, but that was before we knew of Hizuru's treachery. A royal consort bearing no titles, with no families, and nothing useful to offer the regime. I'd say it's a waste."

"This discussion is hardly relevant now," Eren's eyes shifted from Armin to bore into Mikasa's. "And even if I get myself a wife, it will only be for political benefits. I will adopt an orphan for an heir if I must."

"We'll see to that."

Armin might not have the last word in this one, but as far as he knew, his words echoed through and through.

That night, the two childhood friends lied side by side on the carpet next to the hearth in Mikasa's room, the dying embers cast a warm layer of comfort around them.

Mikasa absentmindedly played with Armin's golden strands in her lap. Armin randomly threw wooden sticks to the fire, each of them making a sizzling sound, so familiar to the one in Armin's old house in Shiganshina where the three of them would spend their nights watching the stars.

"I felt empty these days. I can't even talk about it to Annie. She already had a lot on her mind as it is."

"You shouldn't hide things like that from your fiancée, you know."

"I know," Armin sighed. "Do you feel empty too?"

"Like there's a terrible weightlessness. I feel like fading away."

"Maybe I should join Annie and just nap forever."

"What?" Mikasa giggled. "You both are so sappy."

"You're just jealous."

"Is it weird that yes I am? You and Annie are just the sweetest. If I'm not Maid of Honor at your wedding I'll hunt you guys down."

"Speaking of wedding, Kiyomi mentioned something about an arranged marriage between you and some Hizuru's lords? Did I hear that correctly?"

Mikasa rolled her eyes. "That's the idea. The Aoyama used to be a minor clan, a branch house of the ruling house. They have every reason to overthrow their masters, you know, with their vast lands and strong army. The Azumabito owe much of their advanced weaponry to them. Their son and heir is of age, and Kiyomi thought it will be a good match."

"So why didn't they? Overthrow them? The ruling house of Hizuru is greatly affected by the Rumbling, it'll be the perfect chance."

"Family's business was like a bed of spiders. Venomous spiders that waited for every opportunity to sink their fangs into unsuspecting ankles. The Aoyamas, the Azumabitos, all of them are the same. I know Kiyomi. Her words may sound true, but there will always be a catch. People like her are patient. This island doesn't have time to be patient. That marriage offer is good, it's stable, but I feel like it's just an excuse for me to become another pawn in another needless war."

"You are already a pawn here, Miki."

"We all have parts to play."

Armin flicked Mikasa's forehead. "Yeah, I supposed so."

"Kiyomi wanted me to tell you something. It's far too risky for her to reach out directly to you."

"Oh?"

"She said something about a missile or a bomb that she gave to the rebellion. They've been replacing the Hizuran technicians with their own and are modifying the components."

Armin sat up. "Really? Pieck hasn't said anything about that."

"Probably they're keeping it super close guarded. But they should've told you about it. Maybe… maybe he doesn't trust you anymore?"

"Bodi is always suspicious of me. I think I know why he modifies that missile."

"Good. Kiyomi mentioned you'll know what to do."

"I'll get Pieck to handle the situation if it goes out of hand. But for now, we'll keep it low. I can't risk your and the others' safety. Connie and Falco are already scampering around trying to hide. If my letters arrived any later then they would be dead already. The girls are holding on thin ice."

Mikasa elbowed him. "I was worried sick for them. You never tell me anything. Am I supposed to figure out things by myself?"

"We're dealing with a freaking cult, Miki. Bloodsucking ritualistic demon summoning cult. Forgive me if I'm a little bit too cautious," Armin chuckled.

"I can protect myself if it ever leads to that. I want to see them try."

"But they will. That's where it gets dangerous. They're coming to get you."

"I don't see the problem. I can fight, and I have you with me."

"Miki, don't downplay the severity of the situation. You're still recovering. I'm as weak as a twig and I can't just transform into the Colossal and nuked the entire city. We're surrounded by enemies left and right. Bodi and his fucking cult are trying to bomb some shit up and you're going to get hurt. I can't… I can't protect you."

"Nobody can protect anybody. Nobody can protect me except myself. I'm not afraid, Armin, don't worry about me and get on with your goddamn plan."

"Eren can protect you here—"

"I thought you want me to go home with you."

"I did. I do. Of course, I want you out of here. But—"

"The others are gone, Armin. Levi may be somewhere dead for all we know. You need to trust me if you want this to succeed. Let me in."

A minute passed.

"Right. I'm sorry, Mikasa. I trust you. I'm just so worried, but I know I have to trust you. I… I don't even know what to say," Armin paused, trying to find the words. "It's just all very complicated."

"Yeah," she replied. The tension in the air dissipated slowly. A beat or two. "I don't have my swear jar here. You said bad words, naughty boy."

Armin laughed. "And you too. You know, you've really changed, Miki."

"Everyone keeps on saying that. I'm just the same old Mikasa."

"No, no, I don't mean it in a bad way. You almost sound like Levi. The family resemblance is finally showing."

"So, sounding like Levi is a good thing?"

"Obviously."

"Obviously."

Mikasa smacked him on his head.

"Anyway. We'll work out something." Armin rubbed his head.

"Okay. How's Historia, anyway?"

"Haven't heard from her. Gabi was the one who contacted me."

"Gabi is safe… right?"

"Jean knows some people who can hide them for a while. Don't worry. Gabi told me not to tell you. She's afraid you'll overworry."

"I can't help it when I'm always being around reckless people."

"I'm not reckless."

"Yes you are. What's with that marriage thing at dinner?"

"It's true, though. And isn't seeing Floch and the others getting all flustered a satisfying thing? And Eren too. His glare is hilarious."

Mikasa hummed. "A bit."

"I'll bet you five gold coins that Eren isn't going to marry anyone in the next ten years."

"You can't make a bet that you know I'll also agree to."

"Okay. You can bet ten years. I'll bet fifteen years."

"Deal. His advisors will a hundred percent shove some random girl before that ten years."

"I can see that."

The fire in the hearth crackled. Not for the first time since she was here, Mikasa thought of how she wanted to go back to the simpler times of her childhood. Helping her Mom with gardening, eating Auntie Carla's food, helping Dr. Grisha with his books, running around with Eren and Armin with nothing but innocent joy. She could've blamed Reiner, Annie, and Berthold for killing that dream, but the more she thought about it, Mikasa decided she didn't really want to go back to her old life. Her old self only knew of the beauty of this world, not the cruelty. Only knew of chaste attachments, not of somber allegiance. Only knew of the simple fact that after life came death, and not the other way around. The old Mikasa was weak, and she had no place in this world.

"But you still love him," Armin continued.

"You still love him too."

"I don't think there exists a universe where I don't love you and Eren. Is it a bad thing?"

"No, I don't think so," Mikasa whispered. "We love him, we truly do, and that is a tragedy we never saw coming. We love him, but we're not allowed to save him. No matter how hard we try."

"And because of that, you're not in love with him anymore. Because being in love with Eren means you're still saving him."

Armin's words stung, but it felt so long overdue, and the best part is, Mikasa felt her heart slowly unclenched from the relief of hearing someone else said the truth out loud.

"Yeah." Tears prickled on her eyes. "I will always love him, something like that can't be changed in an instant. But I can't make him or myself happy with that love. He grew up. He doesn't need me saving him anymore."

Armin hugged her. "It's okay. Everything is going to be okay. All I know is that we're friends before all of this happens, before Eren leaving us, and I'll be your friend if there's an after too."

Armin walked out of the bathroom and saw Eren crouching next to Mikasa's sleeping form, gently tracing lines on her skin. He acknowledged the blonde with a look, before picking the raven-haired from the carpet and placed her on the bed, tucking the covers up to her shoulders.

"The fire is dead. She's going to get cold," Eren said.

Then, Armin noticed. Eren kept on staring at her with an empty sort of apathy. This was a man with no purpose, no recognition on how lost he was. So, Armin turned his head away, eyes betraying nothing but dull regret.

"She looked sick. Pale and thin. And here I thought the palace's food is delicious."

Eren didn't say anything.

"Eren. You don't need her here. Let Mikasa live in my house with Annie in the city. She'll recover much faster in a safer environment."

"She's safe with me."

"No, and I think you're also starting to realize that."

"If what you said is true, the cult is going to do anything in their power to get her. How is she any safer with you, unprotected and vulnerable, than here in the palace with hundreds of soldiers? Enlighten me, Armin."

The shorter male sighed. "Yes, I get it already. For now, she's safer here. But what about after?"

"There is no after. Things will stay it is."

Armin raised his eyebrow, cruel thoughts bubbling in his head. "You want her to stay here as what? Do you think the stupid title you gave will protect her? Your wife wouldn't allow that."

"I told you I don't need a—"

"I think I know what Mikasa will become. A maid to your wife, bathing the future queen, sweeping the floors beneath your throne. And if you're even crueler than now, you'll have her change your baby's diapers. Oh, and to become the other woman who warms your bed only to leave at the first light. You want her here, to watch everyone around her live while she slowly dies?"

Eren's silence was blaring. Mikasa squirmed a little in her sleep. Then, slowly, very slowly, he answered, "You know that's a lie. Everybody else can spit lies to me, but… not you too, especially not you. You know I want her. As my wife, as my lover, as my best friend, I don't care what it is. I want her, but I can't."

Armin nodded. "Yes, you can't. Not before, not now, and not in a million years."

"Then why the fuck do you ask?"

"I want to hear your pathetic excuse. Look, I'm always telling you the truth aren't I. Now I'm satisfied. Goodnight, Eren."

Armin had his body halfway out the door when he realized the other man still sat on Mikasa's bed.

"It's improper for a man to stay in a woman's room so late at night."

"You just did."

"When she's still awake."

Eren scowled. "I'm not going to do anything to her if that's what you're implying."

"Does she know you're always watching her sleep like some sort of a creep?"

Eren's glare said what he needed to know.