Chapter 7: Easy Day Difficult Feeling
It had been two weeks. Two weeks off of work, doing nothing but stew in her thoughts. What to do with Derek? That was one of the important ones. Do I let myself feel this? That was the recurring one. She woke up and her head dove right into it. Do I let myself feel this? Is it ok to feel this? Do I want the consequences for feeling this? What the hell do I do with this?
A constant battle raged inside her mind and try as she might it would not let up. But thankfully the two weeks were gone and tomorrow she would be back at work. Though she was not entirely sure it was a good thing. Derek would be there. There would be no hiding from him in the hospital. She needed to talk to him, she already knew that but she kept finding excuses to put it off. Yet Derek was not what really worried her, what worried her was a tall and leggy and fabulous neonatal surgeon walking about on her heels as her red hair cascaded down her shoulders. That was what worried her, because even thinking about her like that made her mouth go dry and her words jumble. So maybe going back to the hospital would not be such a great idea.
Cristina had insisted tonight she would stay over and they would all go to work together. Alex had also stayed over. Everyone sat somewhere in the kitchen devouring pizza. For once in a long while all of the interns were off for the night so they were enjoying themselves.
"So?" Cristina said looking at Meredith suggestively.
"So, what?" Meredith frowned a bit in confusion.
"Are you ready?" Cristina kept on going with a mischievous grin.
"Ready for what, work? Yeah I am. Stop smiling like a maniac." Meredith protested.
"I heard Bailey say that they would start you up slow." Cristina shrugged.
"And?" Meredith replied a bit annoyed.
"Slow?" Alex asked from the other side of the kitchen island.
"Probably with an attending that doesn't have a scheduled surgery." George said as he stuffed some garlic knots.
"George you're going to choke on those. Here, drink some water." Izzie said passing him a cup.
"I don't get why you're so smug about it." Meredith said still not catching onto what Cristina was trying to say.
At that moment George, as predicted by Izzie, started to choke. Alex laughed as Izzie walked over to her best friend slapping him on the back.
"What did I tell you?" Izzie said as George kept on coughing.
"Dude." Alex barked in laughter. Meredith just watched the scene as Cristina leaned in to whisper in her ear.
"Addison Montgomery has no scheduled surgeries tomorrow." Cristina whispered and Meredith's breath caught. "Remember to breathe when you're next to her." Cristina winked at her.
"Mer are you ok?" Alex asked as he noticed how flustered she was.
"Fine." Meredith said, quickly getting up. "I'm going to go to sleep. See you tomorrow." She added as she quickly began to scurry away.
"Cristina, something wrong with Mer?" Izzie asked, a bit concerned.
"She's fine. Probably has the jitters. Anyway I'm going to bed too. George, Alex try not to be too loud tonight." Cristina said arching a brow.
"I'm sorry what?" George looked at her confused.
"I will hurt you Yang." Alex growled.
"Right. Just don't be loud." She more suggestively than before as she dodged the slice of pizza Alex had slinged her way.
"Hey!" Izzie protested. "You better pick it up, Alex Karev." Cristina laughed as she heard the perky blonde's stern voice.
Meredith paced in her room back and forth over and over again. To say she was nervous was an understatement. She would need to deal with Derek and not only that but she would be with Addison the whole day and maybe the next and the next. How was she supposed to hide these things she felt for the redhead when right now she was freaking out and she was nowhere near her yet?
"If you keep going like that we'll end up back in the kitchen." Cristina said from the open doorway.
"For fucks sakes! Really Cristina!" The blonde shouted.
Meredith jumped as she heard her voice, she glared at her and continued on her tiny trek. Back to thinking. Back to freaking out.
"Mer." Cristina called as she walked in and held her in place by placing her hands on her shoulders.
"Cristina get in bed or if it bothers you, go sleep with Izzie." Meredith said, trying to shake her person off.
"I enjoy watching you squirm so I'll stay here." Cristina said, flashing her a grin and letting go.
Meredith huffed a bit and then sighed. She began to pace again so Cristina threw herself in bed rolling her eyes. Her friend could be so dense sometimes. She was like that green ogre, an onion, made of layers you had to peel one by one. She chuckled at comparing Meredith with an ogre.
"What's so funny?" Meredith snapped at her.
"Woah. Woah, chill Shrek." Cristina laughed.
"Shrek? Really?" Meredith said grabbing a pillow and chucking it at her.
"What? Do you want me to call you onion better?" Cristina asked with her wicked grin.
"Don't call me either of those." Meredith glared a bit before a smile started tugging on her face as Cristina laughed.
"Seriously though, why Shrek? Or Onion?" Meredith asked as her person sobered herself up.
"Because you're made up of layers. I feel bad for Satan. She'll have to work hard to get through to you." Cristina mused.
"Why would Addison have to get through layers? And couldn't you just say walls? Like why did your mind go to onions?" Meredith chuckled a bit shaking her head.
"My mind works in marvelous ways." Cristina said wiggling her fingers as if she were conjuring a spell.
"You're an idiot." Meredith said with a bored look on her face. "Answer the other question." She whined right after.
"Well, since you're gonna be together and all." Cristina shrugged.
"Cristina, stop with the nonsense." Meredith protested folding her arms on her chest.
"It's not nonsense. Why are you so defensive? Or wait. Are you just trying to deny the fact that you have certain feelings? Are we in one of those situations where you think if you deny it hard enough, if you hide it well enough, it will disappear?" Cristina said as she tilted her head. "My person isn't that naive and pathetic, is she?"
"You know what? Go to sleep. I don't want to hear you." Meredith replied as she moved to shut off the lights.
"Why? Truth hurts? C'mon I never pegged you for a coward." Cristina continued.
"Cristina, she's married." Meredith said.
"Just for a few more days." Cristina replied.
"She's an attending." Meredith bounced back.
"So is Burke and I'm with him." Cristina countered.
"She's my teacher." Meredith tried.
"Didn't stop you from screwing Derek." Cristina said and grinned as Meredith ran out of excuses.
"Why are you fighting so much for it?!" Meredith countered flailing her arms around.
"Why are you fighting so much against it?" Cristina pushed some more. Usually she let her be. Usually she would stay quiet and let Meredith be Meredith but right now she needed a little push. "You're scared, aren't you? God, you are terrified."
"I'm going to sleep. Goodnight." Meredith said, quickly climbing into bed with her back towards Cristina.
"Why?" Cristina asked.
"We have work in the morning." Meredith replied.
"No. Why are you so scared?" Cristina asked once more. "Meredith?" She shook her. "Meredith?"
"Cristina, I swear to god, if you don't let me sleep I will forever ban you from this house and Izzie's cooking." Meredith groaned.
"You can't do that. I have a key and Izzie likes me too much." Cristina chuckled. "C'mon Mer. Talk to me."
"It's just, Addison is… well she's Addison." Meredith said as she turned to look at the ceiling.
"Wow, I totally get that." Cristina said sarcastically.
"You know what I mean." Meredith said exasperated. "Addison is… she's kind, and smart, and beautiful, and rich, and she's in a whole different level."
"Mer you are some of those things too. Not as rich as her but the rest, yes. You know?" Cristina offered.
"Then there's also the fact that she is Derek's wife. Well ex-wife." Meredith said. "Everything would be so complicated. Our lives would be paraded throughout the hospital. It would be a nightmare."
"Since when do you care what people say about you?" Cristina asked.
"It's not me I'm worried about. It's her." Meredith said softly.
"You're not giving that woman enough credit, Meredith. She is Satan. And Satan don't care." Cristina said and began chuckling.
"But what if," Meredith began.
"She don't care. Mer why don't you just let go and let love." Cristina said all inspirational.
"You sound like Sydney. All hugs and understanding." Meredith chuckled.
"I so take that back. Be miserable. Watch her walk away and be happy with someone that isn't you. Let her remarry and have a kid and live by the beach. While you stay here and suffer her absence. While you die inside and regret not going after her until the day you shrivel up and die. Which by the way will be when you're 104." Cristina said in a bitter tone.
"Wow." Meredith replied and smiled.
"That dark and twisty enough?" Cristina chuckled.
"Yeah." Meredith scoffed. "Very dark and twisty." She finished as she laughed along with her person.
"Mer just try." Cristina said more seriously.
"I'll think about it." Meredith said with a smile.
"You've been thinking for a while already." Cristina whined.
"Be patient." Meredith giggled. "Besides this is all on the assumption that she may feel something towards me. What if she doesn't?"
"Oh trust me she feels something alright. She hasn't stopped bugging me about you all this time you've been away." Cristina sighed heavily as she recalled the redhead looking for her every day. Sometimes even asking twice a day about her person.
"Sh-she asked for me? Why didn't you tell me before?" Meredith asked incredulously.
"Because I'm telling you now." Cristina shrugged. "Now let's go to sleep. You talk too much."
"What? You're the one…" Meredith began to fight back.
"Shhhhh." Cristina shushed her and turned.
"Cristina!" Meredith called.
"Go to sleep. I'm tired." Cristina's voice came out muffled as she covered herself whole with the blanket.
"Whatever. Just don't take the whole blanket." Meredith said as she pulled on the blankets.
Addison was making her way over to the interns as she had done pretty much every day these past few weeks. She looked for Cristina but the young intern was nowhere to be found. Not that she would need her since the whole reason she had come was to check on Meredith, and Meredith was right there next to Bailey. The blonde's face was brightened by a smile as soon as their eyes met.
"Morning, Miranda." Addison greeted as she got to them.
"Yeah morning." Bailey said without looking up from the chart she was holding.
"Dr. Grey." Addison said with a big smile.
"H-hi, Dr. Montgomery." Meredith greeted her shakily but with a smile still in place.
"Hi." Addison giggled a tiny bit as she tilted her head mirroring Meredith's smile. Bailey looked at them both and grunted in response, which seemed to snap them from their trance.
"Uh Dr. Bailey, whose service am I on today?" Meredith asked, finally tearing her eyes away from Addison.
"Hers." Bailey said motioning over to Addison with her head.
"Great. Seems like a slow day but I think the C-section I moved to tomorrow is gonna have to be done today. Those babies want out." Addison said with a chuckle.
"That's very nice and all but first I need to check those incisions." Bailey said pointing at the intern's stomach.
"Dr. Bailey, I'm ok." Meredith whined.
"Stop whining. You will not set a foot on the surgical floor until I've cleared you." Bailey said sternly.
"But Dr. Montgomery needs…" Meredith tried again.
"Nuh, uh, uh. You need to be cleared. I need to make sure you're ok." Addison said with a sweet smile, which Meredith returned.
"Ok." Meredith said, turning to look at Bailey.
"Why is it whenever she says something you stop fighting? I swear you damn interns" Bailey said grumpily as a blush appeared on Meredith's face. "Let's go to that empty exam room. Move. Addison, if you wouldn't mind coming along? Just in case she decides to fight me again." The resident said pushing Meredith along.
"Of course." Addison chuckled.
As they were going into the room a pager went off. All three looked for them but it turned out to be Bailey's.
"Gotta go 9-1-1. Addison, check her. Do not let her go until you do." Bailey called as she practically ran off after shoving the chart onto Addison's chest.
Meredith stood there watching as the resident disappeared, something like shock and dread in her eyes. Addison was confused by this, if she recalled correctly last time she had had to examine the blonde she had even held her hand. What could possibly be making her uncomfortable?
"I could have someone else take a look if it bothers you that I'm doing it." Addison offered to the intern whose head snapped to her rather quickly.
"You don't bother me." Meredith said. "I like you here." She blurted out and blushed profusely.
"Well, I like being here." Addison replied with an amused smile.
When Meredith tried speaking again but stuttered incoherently Addison simply motioned to the exam table. The blonde hopped on without another word as she fixed her gaze on her clasped hands. Addison walked closer putting on her glasses to read through the chart.
"Alright. Are you ready?" Addison said, putting down the chart. "How are there no gloves in this room?" She said looking around.
"I don't mind your hands." Meredith said softly and then blushed once more her eyes wide as she registered what she had just said. 'Fuck Meredith. What the hell? You need to calm down. Stop blurting things out as they pop into your head.'
"Sounds good." Addison smiled and closed the gap a bit more. Meredith just sat with her hands tightly clasped on her lap.
"Meredith?" She called but the intern did not seem to hear her. "Meredith?" She called once more and again nothing. "Mer?"
She tried and reached for her hands. But before she could touch them Meredith jumped back, more like shifted back with a jerk. Addison backed away as if burned at the reaction the blonde had had. She watched her, trying to decide what to do.
"I'm going to get someone else, Grey. You stay here, ok." Addison said gently as she turned around to leave.
"No, Addison." Meredith said her voice a pitch higher as she hopped off the table and reached for the back of the redhead's white coat.
"What's wrong?" Addison asked, letting go of the doorknob.
"I uh." Meredith shifted nervously.
"Meredith are you nervous? Am I making you nervous?" Addison cocked her head to the side.
"I umm." Meredith mumbled. "Maybe?"
"Why am I making you nervous?" Addison chuckled a bit.
"Well because… because you're… you're Addison." Meredith blurted out looking down.
"Wow, I totally get that." Addison said sarcastically, Meredith's head shot up at that.
"Did you see Cristina today?" She asked.
"No. Why?" Addison frowned in question.
"Nothing." Meredith replied. "Here. I promise I won't run." She giggled hopping back on the exam table motioning Addison closer.
"Meredith if it makes you this uncomfortable I really can get someone else." Addison offered again.
"No! I want you." Meredith said, reaching for Addison's hands and pulling her closer. 'Meredith!' She admonished herself.
"Ok. Ok." Addison smiled sweetly at the action. "Well now, up, up." She motioned with her hands after Meredith let go. Meredith giggled a bit. "What?" Addison asked.
"Nothing. It's just you did and said that before. Never thought I'd see it again." Meredith said with a smile as she brought up her scrub top to reveal her taut and lightly toned, smooth belly. Whatever question Addison had died suddenly in the back of her head.
"Addison?" Meredith called after an awkwardly long pause.
"Huh?" Addison looked up at her quickly. "Right. Won't you lay back for me so I can take a look?"
Meredith did as she was told and laid back. Addison gently touched her bare skin, she could feel the muscles tightening and then relax as Meredith let out a sigh. She inspected all three incisions as she went and hummed happily as she found they had healed extremely well and fast.
"These look great Meredith. You heal fast. You can sit up now. Come on." Addison said as she helped the intern sit back up.
"So I'm good to go?" Meredith asked with an excited smile.
"How's the pain?" Addison asked.
"No pain." Meredith smiled.
"And your appetite?" She asked again.
"As good as ever." Meredith grinned.
"Then yes. Good as new." Addison chuckled.
"Yes!" Meredith said hopping off the table and accidentally landing on Addison as she lost her footing.
"You ok there Grey?" Addison chuckled as she held her up.
"Yep." Meredith said quickly as she straightened herself.
"Ok then." Addison said with an amused smirk. "Shall we?" She said pointing at the door. "I bet you're dying to get a little blood in your hands."
"Yes. Yes I am." Meredith replied enthusiastically.
And off they went about their day. Much like Addison had said the patient carrying twins had to have her c-section today. Meredith of course scrubbed in and helped deliver the two healthy babies. Once they were both out, they were sent up to the NICU and Addison had her close.
It had been a pretty easy day even with the surgery and Meredith was happy for it. Especially since she had not seen Derek at all, which she had been dreading. But maybe she spoke too soon because as she walked beside Addison towards the bridge by the chief's office she spied him at the other end. Quickly she grabbed onto a bewildered Addison and stuffed her and herself in a supply closet.
"What the…" Addison began but Meredith stopped her squeezing her arm a bit.
"Shhhh. Please." She begged as she threw a look towards the small glass window on the door. A minute later she saw the familiar McDreamy hair pass by and relaxed.
"Why are you hiding from him?" Addison asked quietly after a while.
"I uh…" Meredith looked at her for a moment and then looked away. What was she supposed to say?
"Meredith, you can talk to me." Addison said, searching for her eyes.
"I'm sorry." Meredith replied softly, still avoiding the redhead's eyes. She was not sure what she would be able to see if she let the redhead see them.
"Mer. It's ok. Did he hurt you? Are you scared of him?" Addison tried, still surprised at the sudden need of the blonde to hide from Derek.
"He did hurt me. But not like you're thinking. He's never been physical that way with me. He doesn't have that in him, right? And yes I'm a little scared because I have to tell him I don't want to be with him. He wants to work this out but I just don't. I don't love him. And I can't believe I actually told you that. Though it may make you feel a little better. Or maybe not because you actually convinced him to come find me after my morphine high. You didn't have to do that. It wasn't fair to you. I didn't want to hurt you. But I did and I'm so sorry. I'm sorry Addison." Meredith rambled on, breathing a little erratic as she talked more and more, faster and faster.
"Meredith, shhhh." Addison said softly. "You didn't hurt me."
"Yes, I did." Meredith said in equal soft.
"Maybe some time ago." Addison said after taking a deep breath. "But it doesn't bother me at all now."
"It doesn't?" Meredith asked.
"Nope. Now why don't we go get some food like we had planned before you shoved me in here?" Addison chuckled as she grabbed a stuttering Meredith by the arm and dragged her out and back towards the bridge and off to the cafeteria.
They sat together at the cafeteria enjoying some cold sandwiches and chips with soda. Meredith was actually able to maintain some sort of small talk without stuttering. Addison smiled happily as she heard some stories from these past two weeks at the intern's house. All in all it was a very nice little meal time until Mark Sloan strolled about.
"Hey fellow dirty mistress." Mark grinned at Meredith.
"Well hello to you. Dr. Sloan." Meredith chuckled lightly, shaking her head.
"Red." He directed towards Addison with a smile.
"Hello Mark." Addison sighed and smiled a bit.
"So Red, you remember my watch? My favorite one." Mark asked.
"The one Derek got you?" Addison replied.
"Yeah that one. I can't find it. I was wondering if I left it in the room the other night?" Mark asked.
Meredith felt like the ground around her gave away. She expected a lot of things, just not this. She knew the possibility of Addison feeling something, anything for her might be a long shot. But she didn't think she would go back to Mark.
"No Mark it's not there." Addison replied, oblivious to the turmoil inside Meredith's head.
"Wait. Are you two… ummm are you two back together?" Meredith stammered out her question.
"Yes." Mark replied with a grin at the same time Addison replied. "No."
"Mark! Don't lie." Addison smacked him playfully and turned to look at Meredith who had gone white as a sheet of paper. "Meredith?" Addison called concerned.
"I uh, um, I have to go do something." Meredith said awkwardly and got up abruptly, walking away.
"Meredith?" Addison called after her.
"I'll see you back on the floor Dr. Montgomery." Meredith said without turning and walked away.
Addison stared after her for a while completely and utterly confused. She looked around to see if maybe Derek was here and the intern was trying to hide but she did not find said man anywhere.
"Red?" Mark brought her back. He knew what had just happened. He saw the flash of jealousy washing over his club mate. It amused him that Addison had not noticed.
"Huh?" Addison looked at him still wearing the confusion and worry on her face.
"What's going on with you and the Dirty Mistress?" Mark asked, raising a brow.
"Don't call her that. It's Grey or Meredith." Addison snapped at him.
"Fine what's going on with you and Mer." Mark asked again.
"Do not call her that either. You don't know her like that." Addison barked.
"Oh I'm sorry. And you do?" Mark said with his signature grin.
"Shut up." Addison said and stood up.
"Hey where are you going?" Mark called running to catch up to her.
"To work." Addison replied.
"Red?" He tried. "Addison." He stopped her in the hallway. "Are you ok? What's going on?"
"She… she looked sad." Addison said concern and worry on her features now.
"She's ok. Trust me." Mark said with a chuckle.
"How do you know?" Addison asked in disbelief.
"I just do. Say are you crushing on a certain blonde woman?" Mark raised his brows in question.
"What?! Are you on something?" Addison asked, clearly taken aback.
"Answering a question with a question. Very suspicious." Mark chuckled.
"Don't you have patients to look after Mark?" Addison asked, annoyed.
"Nah. It's getting Addison to admit the truth time. I need to get her to admit her feelings." He smirked.
"Go away Mark. I have things to do." Addison pushed him aside and started walking away.
"Yeah you do. That blonde blue eyed intern." Mark chuckled evilly.
"I swear I will hurt you." Addison said glancing around to make sure people were not listening. "Just go." She pushed him away. They went in opposite directions, Mark laughing and Addison flustered.
Little did they know that someone was listening to them. Listening very intently.
And then there were 7! I'm sorry this is late. I'm trying but work was busy. Anyway I hope you enjoyed it. Wonder who that person is. Good or bad? Guess you'll see next week. Remember to comment and tell me what you think. ;)