Subaru: Sigh. When have you ever been a normal lady?
Elsa looked deep into Subaru's eyes. A wide smile came to her face. He's different.
Elsa: Maybe I could show you how much of a lady I am~
Her gaze was hungry and intense but it didn't bother him whatsoever.
Subaru: Nope. I prefer my entrails right where they are thank you very much. I already have broken ribs, I don't also need torn muscles.
Subaru was beginning to grow annoyed at her unspoken antics. His apathy only made her want him more and he noticed.
Elsa: Oh, but you're so much more of a man than when I last saw you.
She approached him, a blush on her face.
Elsa: You make me want to feel your warmth right here and now.
Without even a second's hesitation, he casually flicked the infamous and incredibly deadly assassin that could kill him in a second's forehead.
Subaru: Stop with that Elsa. I only have eyes for one. I find you repulsive. You should know that.
He brought his arm back to his side and asked, "And what do you mean by 'more of a man'?"
Elsa: You were always cowering in fear of me. Even after two years of partnership, I could smell your fear despite how much you concealed it. But now…
She licked her lips.
Elsa: You're not even a little afraid. I want to see how that confidence reflects in your bowels.
The answer was about what Subaru expected so he remained unfazed.
Subaru: Alright, alright. One day, if I'm in the mood, I might let you disembowel me. So give me your damn report already.
Don't make promises you can't keep, employer-san~
Elsa: Again, Gluttony was not at the location you indicated. However… I did set free all the cultists that were there.
Are you an idiot Natsuki Subaru? Obviously someone's intentionally giving you hints at locations where they left a bunch of fodder cultists to keep you distracted. If I had to guess, I'd say it's either Bete or Capella.
Subaru: Elsa, how many of the archbishops have I killed?
She looked slightly confused by the question but answered anyway, "You killed Sloth two years ago around when you slew both the White Whale and the Great Rabbit."
So the other me killed Bete around the same time I did then, likely to save Emilia. Although, I can't begin to fathom why he'd kill two of the three Great Mabeasts. Without the whale, Karsten would stay in the race and Blue would remain her knight.
Elsa: And about a year ago, the Witch Cult raided Priestilla. You lead the defense of the city, killing Greed and capturing Wrath. Lust managed to escape.
Well it's good news that I don't need to convince all of Regulus's wives again. And it's great to hear that I can easily take care of Sirius as well. But Capella and the Gluttonies are going to be annoying to deal with.
Subaru: I guess I'll take what I can get. Elsa, did any of the defeated archbishops' gospels survive?
She tilted her head as if in thought, "I believe that you have Sloth's gospel while Greed's was destroyed and Wrath's is in the custody of the Royal Knights."
I guess it's better than nothing.
Subaru: Alright. One last question.
Elsa: Of course, employer-san~. I have a feeling he's going to be so much more fun from now on~.
Subaru: Is Meili alive? If so, I will need her services at some point in the future. Potentially in the near future.
She gave him a calculated look.
Elsa: Employer-san… you do realize you've been holding her prisoner in this mansion for the past two years, correct?
She began to reach to her side to grab her kukri blade as she asked another question.
Oh that's not good at all.
Elsa: I must confirm something.
Okay so either I'm dead or I gave her an effective security question in the case that someone attempted to impersonate me. Here's hoping I can answer.
She cleared her throat as she sang aloud, in heavily accented English.
"We're no strangers to love~"
Subaru immediately sang back, in substantially better English.
"You know the rules and so do I~"
They went back and forth singing the lyrics to each other for the duration of the whole song.
How much did I fucking pay her to learn the entirety of Never Gonna Give You Up? Actually, better question, how the fuck am I supposed to get back at my alternate self for fucking Rick Rolling me across timelines?!
Elsa: Well, no one else in the world is capable of composing and singing such a strange melody but you employer-san. I will take my leave then.
Elsa vanished into the shadows of the night and Subaru continued his walk through the hallway as if nothing had happened. He most certainly did not have a song stuck in his head. That would be crazy. The Sin Archbishop of Pride does not get songs stuck in his head.
Subaru came across a door slightly ajar a bit further down the hall. Curious, he entered. Inside, he saw a clean but largely unused room. The only things differentiating it from the other identical ones throughout the mansion were the chair beside the bed and the bed's occupant.
This room is too clean and orderly to be someone's living quarters. That chair also seems like it hasn't been moved in ages. This girl's been here for awhile.
He closed the door behind himself and moved to sit in the chair. He looked up to see a girl dressed in a blue nightgown. She had matching azure hair and appeared to be in a rather deep sleep. She was quite pretty and, besides her larger breasts and different color scheme, was a mirror image of the pink maid. Comatose chicks aren't my type though.
Subaru: She's clearly alive but she is not breathing nor does she have a heartbeat.
I've only heard descriptions of this condition before but I never got to see it up close. I killed the Gluttonies before I really had the chance to.
Subaru: So she's a Sleeping Beauty, then. And an important one at that.
Wait is this the girl Emilia was talking about earlier? Natsuki Subaru, how the hell did you fall in love with a fucking potato? And worse, you managed to make Emilia jealous of said potato.
Subaru: I swear if I ever meet you other me, I'm going to beat the shit out of you for getting Emilia to cut her hair because you loved a damn vegetable too much.
Subaru got up out of the chair to exit the room. As he opened the door and stepped back out into the hall, he saw another familiar face standing before him.
Pink haired maid: Ah, Subaru-sama. I apologize for disturbing your time with Rem. I can return another time.
She bowed and began to turn to leave but Subaru quickly stopped her.
Subaru: Hey, it's alright. I just finished up. Go take your turn. You're her sister after all.
Pink haired maid: As you wish, Subaru-sama.
She bowed again and entered the room, closing the door behind her.
I wonder what her name is.
Finally arriving back where he started earlier that afternoon, Subaru entered his room and breathed a sigh of relief as he closed the door.
Subaru: Thank God there's no more fucking surprises today. What has my life become? Can't a man be a mass murdering lunatic in peace?
He stripped himself of his incredibly tacky and mildly uncomfortable noble's clothes and plopped himself down on the formerly unused bed. He stared at the ceiling as he thought aloud.
Subaru: There's one big question I've been avoiding this whole time. Well, besides the Emilia situation. And that's: Why am I here? Like, who brought me to this weird bizarro timeline and why? I originally thought it could be Reinhard but he seems to have been affected by the switcheroo along with everyone else.
He heaved a tired sigh and turned to lay on his side.
Subaru: It's not the archbishops, it's not the Dragon, it's not the Sword Saint, and it's probably not the Sage.
He focused his attention on the black crystal beside him.
The Witch of Envy, then.
He closed his eyes.
Subaru: That would explain the easy interference with Return by Death. I always thought it was her Authority.
He rubbed his eyes lightly.
Subaru: And those two cryptic dreams I had, the one before I got here and the one I had during that angelic lap pillow session, starred her as well.
Even with his substantial nap, he felt a strong sense of fatigue after a long day of burning down the capital, having a child die in his arms, being killed by his beloved, getting isekai'd for the second time, being incredibly confused while dying several more times, and grappling with his new situation and emotional state. And on top of all that, his ribs were still broken.
Fuck. I forgot to get myself healed. Well, what harm can a few broken bones even do?
He fell onto his back and spread his arms out to either side on the massive bed.
He just so happened to grab the black crystal with this motion.
After a moment, he opened his eyes to find himself standing in the grassy, hilly plain of Echidna's Castle of Dreams, completely naked.
He looked up, still tired, to see the Witch of Greed sitting in her chair with her head turned away from him.
Subaru: Oi! Witch! Why're you not looking at me?
Still turned away, she responded with as loud a voice she could muster without yelling.
Echidna: Certainly even you understand that seeing a man in the state of undress you are in would have an effect on my maidenly heart.
Subaru rubbed his eyes, smirked, walked up to the table hidden under the parasol, and sat in the chair opposite of Echidna, who had covered her eyes with her hands. She was visibly blushing, hard.
Subaru: I don't buy for a second that this affects you at all. If you really shared his every sensation, and if he's anything at all like me, then you'd be very used to not only a naked Natuski Subaru but also a naked Natsuki Subaru's junk.
She peeked out through the gaps between her fingers and responded.
Echidna: I'll have you know that my contractor always took the pendant off whenever he needed to conduct his… activities.
The smirk remained on his face.
Subaru: I'm still not buying it. You can see everything we did even without our touching of the crystal.
She sighed and her blush largely faded as she lowered her hands and turned her head to look at him. Her usual smile was plastered onto her face.
Echidna: You're no fun. And even if you're mostly right, I am not lying when I say that your state of undress is making me feel things I haven't felt in centuries.
Subaru: Like the urge to tease someone while they're naked? I'm not going to believe you're human for a second, Witch.
Echidna: Interpret it however you'd like.
She took a sip of her tea and waited for Subaru to continue the dialogue.
Subaru: I ask you again. Echidna, the Witch of Greed, I demand that you tell me immediately how I can break our contract, that I have no memory of forging with you.
Author's Note: I am not sorry for the Rick Roll.