I consider just vanishing the dust into another dimension, but that seems impolite so I do actually go and get the brush and pan. Mostly I just do it to take my mind off the lesson. I got greedy. I spend so much of my time in a permanent state of indecision and it felt nice to be obstinately sure of something. But I scared little Warnado. I forgot that he is just a child.

"Well, technically the demon probably scared him a little more," my brain chips in, negotiating with morality. "Honestly, I thought I did my best to reassure him."

I did try, but sadly I tried the sort of reassurance that just pretends there isn't a problem. That demon arm did almost kill me despite what I said. If not for the rings Shadow gave me I would probably be in a heap on the floor right now.

I pick up the brush and start shuffling back towards the remains of the dummy.

That's not to say I wouldn't have blocked the attack. The effort of summoning a spell like that would just have crippled me for hours. I remember how I looked in the mirror this morning. I'm pretty sure I saw grey hair in there, but it was gone after I brushed it. I'm not even forty years old yet, and I look like I'm well into my fifties. Wrinkles like cracks in pottery are forming about my eyes and mouth and all over my forehead. Grey hair seems perfectly plausible.

I kneel down. Shadow has a rune glowing and her eyes closed. I think she's listening out for Warnado. I start brushing and the dust is thick. It crumbles into the pan.

Magic is responsible for my premature age. It happens to all wizards. All proper ones. Thaumaturges get off scot-free. Admins get a few centuries out of it. However, even by wizard standards I'm unlucky. I never completed my training with Ghostly because the Onslaught came about. With Herobrine on the march and Kay just having been arrested, we all decided to leave to avoid conscription. So, I broke things off with Ghostly.

It was an amiable parting. He was all wise and father figure-y about the whole thing. He even organised an illusory combat challenge to help prepare us for the crazy world we were about to flee into. Sadly, his co-administrators caught wind of our plan and conscripted us anyway. There wasn't much Ghostly could do. He needed the men and letting anyone go would cause a domino effect. I don't blame him, despite it all. I just wish we'd had more time.

I stand up and walk to the bin. I hear Shadow's footsteps pad up to me.

"Warnado's fine," Shadow says. "Kay's caught up to him."

When he arrived at the door just there, Kay looked so much like he did in the good days. When he just wanted to keep us all safe in a confusing world that seemed intent on murdering us. A slightly shaky and rash pillar of stability in the world who would gladly fall on top of and crush any opponent. Except now he can teleport behind and engulf that opponent in voidfire.

"Good," I say with a pang of guilt. "Kay's always been good with kids. With getting people back on their feet generally."

After a short pause Shadow says: "Speaking of Kay, I wasn't listening in back then but I'm still under the impression that you said something to Tyron before the election that made him look quite conflicted."

So this question has finally come about. For a second I thought I'd actually gotten away with it, but this is unsurprising. Unfortunately for Shadow, I am not in the mood to be interrogated right now, so I snap back:

"I'm surprised you weren't listening. You listen to everything else around here."

"I do still have respect for people wanting their vote to be anonymous. Other than that, guilty as charged."

"Well at least you're upfront about it. What exactly do you think I said that made Tyron so 'conflicted'? Please, pray-tell, what insidious rumour or grand revelation was I spreading to influence the result of the election?"

My face and voice are flat as plains. I'm not looking at her, but I see my reflection in the metal of the bin and my eyes are burning. I wouldn't turn those eyes on my worst enemy. I try to calm myself down. She doesn't know what I said, and she doesn't know why I don't want to talk about it.

"Which is exactly why she should mind her own damned business!" Brain-me offers helpfully. I remind him that she technically hasn't accused me of anything. I've already been adding things on. If she wasn't suspicious before, she is now.

Shadow obliges my obviously rhetorical questions: "The results are in and a swing of one vote in any direction would have made no difference. Still, you know Kay better than anyone else, I'm curious about your reasons since I'm starting to suspect that you advocated against him."

I glare at the door. No one. I cast a sound-proofing charm at a five meter radius. Plenty of room for me to furiously pace and angrily gesticulate.

"What sort of two-faced backbiter do you think I am?" I muster disgust from guilt. "Kay Mandy would have led that army well. He's hot off his service to Herobrine. That book has so far only increased his ability to lead from the front. He's in his damned prime and then some! Even if I weren't his friend he's an ideal candidate. How very dare you!"

It ends limper than I intended. I'm trying too hard.

Shadow nods. "I think you are exactly not that kind of person, which opens up more questions than it answers. Kay might be slightly… eccentric and not on the best terms with my brother but so far I have seen nothing that disputes your claims. Tyron seemed in favor of Kay so saying nothing would have been sufficient if you wanted him to vote for Kay. Which brings me back to the original question."

"I didn't say anything to him!" I roar this out and my temper breaks like a fever. I feebly continue: "Can't a man talk to his friend ahead of a tense situation?"

"You saw his face at the urn too, we were both standing there because of our abstention. That was not the face of a comforted man."

There's a truth gnawing at me and it hurts. A truth I've tried to ignore since this ghost of a man came back into my life. I hate her for rousing it. I give in.

"I didn't tell him much," I say, looking at her pleadingly. "You really want to know what I said to him? Fine. I said to our dear furball, 'Tyron, I know what happens next. I've seen how this goes. It does not end well. Don't vote for Kay.' Are you happy now?"

I feel a tear run down my cheek and I rub it away angrily.

Shadow looks downwards and closes her eyes. "I had my question answered but I am not happy. Something is bothering you about this more than it reasonably should. If you know what happens next, from where? I don't mean to pry beyond what I already made you say but you can say more if you want to. I may be aware of what everyone in the shelter is doing at all times but I do not disclose private information. Whatever your secret is, it will be safe with me."

I yell again: "Well, secret stage one: I'm from Kay's future. Eleven years ago he travelled through a portal to Nexus that explodes. He gets back somehow, but this traps some Endlings in my world all that time. At some point a crime lord called the Silhouette decided I was valuable to the Entity and sent those Endlings to capture me. And that's how I ended up stuck in the middle of all this trash! You understand so far?"

I don't even wait for Shadow to respond. I just yell louder. Liberty has made my anger bold.

"Secret stage two..." I pause. My mouth feels dry and I swallow without success.

I feel the fury swell as the truth approaches, but it doesn't need bombast or screaming anymore. This rage is cold and honest and it is no less terrible for it.

"He dies, Shadow. Kay dies. He becomes a king for a bit, and then he dies. And I'm going to be perfectly honest with you, he wasn't a great person by the end of it. Honestly, I have to wonder how good he ever was, or whether that was all inevitable."

I let it settle. Shadow seems genuinely taken aback. I feel the urge to keep talking but I need something to push me onward. I hate her for now saying anything.

"I knew Nexus was an anomaly pulling people from different worlds… but also the same world and different times? I am not lying when I say that I can't imagine being in your situation, like if for instance I met a version of my brother and I where our parents hadn't died, had raised us into whatever monstrosities they were probably planning to. If that happened I would honestly not know what to do."

"Well that's a fine how-do-you-do, isn't it? I don't either, Shadow. Sometimes I wonder if the Endlings didn't just stab me out in that field and this isn't just a dying dream. Sometimes I kind of wonder if that wouldn't make things easier. Do you know what I was doing out there, Shadow? I was out there searching through the ice and snow for the corpses of my friends. And many others besides. All of them dead, directly or indirectly, because of Kay's selfishness.

"That's not to say he was on the wrong side. Dominus, the Silhouette, the Family, even the Brotherhood all were monsters that needed slaying. And that's without mentioning Hamish... Fucking Hamish - I choked the life out of that monster until there was nothing left in him, and I would gladly do it again!"

I discover I'm screaming again and I restrain myself. I stand as though I were stabilising myself on a table and bend back up. My voice becomes like a dead man's, droning and soft. It's no different from the leftover breath wheezing out of the body. It has as much agency.

"Kay had reason to be driven over the edge, but when the time came, he prioritised his own personal grudges above his duty, above his friends and above basic morality. He plotted against allies he needed. He ordered the deaths of friends. He abandoned his troops when they needed him most. He murdered innocent people more than once... Eventually, he went too far, pissed off the Silhouette. The Silhouette decided enough was enough. Kay agreed, and now he's dead."

"I don't understand."

"Kay let himself be killed. As retribution for his interference, the Silhouette himself turned up to ambush him. He made an ultimatum and by all accounts Kay didn't even blink before surrendering. Bet he thought he was being right noble. Accepting he had no right to kill anyone more, or ask anyone else to die for him. Hoping the altruism would outweigh his shame. They burned him on a pyre and he didn't move. Aaron arrived just in time to see him go up. It was cowardly, it was cruel and he should have tried to make things right!"

I'm on my knees. My hands shake before me. My eyes blur from welling tears and pain. Black bars close in and out of the edges of my vision. This is tearing the soul out of me but I have to say it.

Shadow is kneeling in front of me, observing like a naturalist who has discovered a new species.

"I just wish I could figure out when we stopped being the good guys," I whisper. "That would be enough."

I give in to the tears, weepingly openly. I throw my face in my hands. Shadow places a hand on my shoulder. It feels like nothing, but I'm not alone. There's something.

I thank Notch I'm not alone. I'm not alone. I am not alone.

It rings hollower each time. Something is not enough to stave off nothing.