CHAPTER 7: Cheesecloth isn't waterproof

I don't like how short Chapter 6 ended up being, even if it seemed to me like the best spot to end it, so I decided to double up. I don't plan to make a habit of this though; the next time a chapter is too short it'll probably just have to be.

In unrelated news, has anyone stopped to question where that hole in Ichigo's living room wall came from, when Fishbone D was explicitly demonstrated to have phased through the wall?

"Come on," Ichigo says from where he and Rukia stand on a rooftop, "I'm doing your job, without pay, might I add. This is the least you can do."

"I have better things to do than stand outside your clinic wiping people's memories so they'll go back in again. Besides, my Kikanshinki is out of fuel," Rukia says, producing the device and checking it again, "I need to go get more soon."

"Fine," Ichigo says, throwing Rukia over his shoulder and jumping off the roof. They head home for the night so this scene can be over.

Kurosaki Clinic: Ichigo's Room - Morning

"Rukia," Ichigo calls, knocking on the door to his closet, "Rukia, I have some food for you."

He waits several seconds but there's no response.

"Okay, look," Ichigo says, putting the food down, "There's no way I'm opening this door, so I'm just going to leave this here and if the demons get it before you do, tough luck."

Karakura Town: Urahara Shop

Oh. That's so many 'r's. How am I supposed to remember all that? Anyway, Rukia walks toward the front entrance where a pair of kids, Ururu and Jinta, are cleaning. I might have to develop a gimmick for them later, but for right now they're not important so Rukia just asks where the owner is.

Jinta pulls back a shutter, revealing a third, ostensibly even less important person who, after some conversation, agrees to go wake the owner. This proves unnecessary as the owner overhears the conversation from somewhere in the back and is now approaching.

"I'm awake," he says in greeting, "I'm just working on updating the infrastructure. The building codes in this town are ridiculous. What are they trying to protect against?"

"Chad." Rukia responds.

"Oh, God, the C.H.U.D.s moved aboveground?!" Urahara asks, alarmed.

"What are you talk-No, never mind. I don't want to know. I need some fuel for my Kikanshinki. And could you change my ringtone while I'm here?"

"Premium?"

"No. Just give me normal unleaded. I'm pretty much out of money after you gouged me for two of your 'special' Gigai."

"I didn't tell you to lose the first one. You can lose the sarcasm, though. Those are way more expensive to make than the mass-produced ones."

"Well, I didn't ask for special-Wait a minute," Rukia starts, "How are you mass-producing Gigai?"

"Don't worry about it."

"Maybe I should report you to-"

"Only if you want to explain why a human has your powers. You'll be fired, remember?"

"Fine," Rukia relents, "I also need Soma Fixers. About...sixty."

Wait, what's a Soma Fixer? Hold on, let me look this up.

...

I see. Standard plot-item-that'll-never-be-seen-or-referenced-again number 29.

"Okay that'll be-"

"Wait a second," Rukia interrupts before we can find out what Shinigami use as currency, "Is...'it' in?"

"It? You mean the soul ca-"

Apparently it's supposed to be a secret, so I guess you should just pretend you don't already know what they're talking about. Anyway, Urahara sends Ururu into the back to search for the item and after some digging she returns with what is assumed to be the product. By the time she returns the transaction is already complete, so the product is given no further scrutiny.

"Hey, do you take American money?" Rukia asks as she's walking out.

"That depends, is it stolen?"

"That's a good question. Would that make it a more attractive prospect or less?"

"As long as it's not stolen from the Italian Mafia."

Along the way back to Karakura High School, Rukia stops at the graveyard to see if the money is still there. It isn't, of course, and she carries on to the school.

Karakura High School - Morning

Rukia meets Ichigo at third period, greeting Asano and Kojima, who edges away from her. Kojima tries to mention that it's unlike Rukia to show up so late, which is a strange assumption since they've met exactly once and he can't say anything but 'taiyō' so no one understands him anyway. With everyone else's backs turned, Rukia begins mouthing an incantation at Kojima, who promptly runs away, Asano in tow asking what's wrong.

"Now then. Take this," Rukia says, throwing a PEZ dispenser at Ichigo, "I think it'll help keep your body from running off."

"Are you trying to give me drugs?"

"Don't be ridiculous, Ichigo. They're soul candies. They extract your soul and replace it with an artificial one so your body isn't just laying there while you're off fighting Hollows," Rukia says, aggressively not remembering what Ichigo's body actually does when he's not in it.

"Oh, so they're magic candies that separate my soul from my body, and let me see invisible monsters," Ichigo says with entirely too much enthusiasm.

"Exactly."

"So they're drugs."

"No! They- Just take one."

"Rukia, I'm the son of a doctor. I know drugs when I see them."

"Do it."

"My dad already thinks I get blackout drunk on bread. What am I supposed to tell him if he finds these?"

"Now."

"Fine. When this goes wrong it's your fault."

Ichigo pops one into his mouth and immediately falls down. Except he doesn't. He looks down to see his body on the floor.

"Oh, my God." Ichigo says, staring at his hands.

"See? Impressive isn't it? I told-"

"I have a soul!"

"..."

"Rukia?"

"...What is wrong with you?"

"What?"

"Why do you remember the year straws were patented, but anything I tell you has to be repeated thirty-seven times before it sticks?"

"What? I didn't-"

"Am I just that boring a teacher?"

"No, I meant that I have a soul. I knew that guy at school was lying."

Embroiled as they are in their lively conversation, neither of the two notice Ichigo's body slip away until it's already gone.

"It'll be fine. The Gikongan will take care of all your responsibilities while we go Hollow hunting."

Urahara Shop

"This is the last wall in this room," Urahara says, moving some boxes aside to get to another wall in need of reinforcement. As he walks through, he accidentally kicks a box over, revealing the contents within.

"That's funny," he says, picking it up to examine it, "I could have sworn I sold-oh. Oh, no."

Karakura Town: Riverbank

Running along a riverbank, Ichigo sees movement under a bridge and draws his blade. He accelerates to a sprint and passes under with a slash.

"What is the airspeed velocity of-Oh, shi-"

"Another one gone," Ichigo says, triumphantly.

"That...wasn't a Hollow, Ichigo," Rukia informs him.

"I know."

"So what was it? It was definitely a spiritual entity, or your Zanpakuto wouldn't have hurt it."

"It was another one of those hobos," he says gesturing to a heavily dented truck floating in the water, "They've been torturing me since I was a kid."

Karakura High School: Classroom - Noon

"So...hungry," Tatuski says, "Need...bread."

"You could just-"

"No. Remember what happened last time? I told you that ghosts would try to kill me and you made me eat the soup anyway."

"I don't know what to tell you, Tatsuki. I don't have any-" Orihime is interrupted by Tatsuki shooting upright, nose in the air.

"Hoagies," she says, after sniffing for a few seconds.

"You can smell what type-and she's walking off. I'm not covering for you if you miss the rest of the day!" Orihime calls after her. Just as she's about to continue her lunch, a figure bursts into the window. Looking up, she locks eyes with Ichigo and after several seconds, narrows her own.

"Oh, h*ll no," she says, putting her food back onto the table and standing.

"What's going on?" someone asks.

"He's possessed. Marcus!" Orihime commands, "Go to the kitchen and grab some cheesecloth. It's time for some Holy Waterboarding."

Karakura Town: Random House

"Just go out there and perform a Konsō!" Rukia yells through a storm of impacts upon her shelter.

"That's not as easy as it sounds! You saw what she was doing."

Ichigo chances a look out as the thumping recedes only to get beaned in the face by a puppy lobbed by the ghost of an elderly woman.

"Where are all these puppies even coming from? This doesn't make any sense!" Rukia fumes, "I hate this place! This is the worst assignment I have ever been given!"

Ichigo takes a long running leap out of cover and dozens of puppies flung in machine gun fashion follow, trailing behind him as he rises into the sky and snapping a cable on the rooftop with sheer velocity. Inside the house Rukia is taking cover behind, she can hear someone saying something about 'the cable' and that the news is talking about some orange-haired kid running riot through town.

"Huh. I wonder if that's important. Probably not."

Urahara Shop

"I can't believe I sold her the wrong one," Urahara says, holding what is assumed to be the proper PEZ dispenser, "If only I had known..."

"Let's focus on finding it before any problems-"

"I could have charged her so much more than I did."

Karakura Town Streets

"Okay. That was a good day's work," Rukia says.

"Yeah, I guess it wasn't so-"

Someone comes running past.

"I'm sorry, Ichigo! I didn't mean it! I swear I'll never say it again!"

"...That was my teacher."

Ichigo's body comes running past, wild eyed and soaked.

"Rukia?"

"...Yes?"

"Remember what I said?

"Let's just go get it."

Pursuing Ichigo's body, they arrive at a nearby elementary school.

"We lost it," Rukia says, moments before they hear a scream. Following the noise to its source, they find a giant centipede shaped Hollow standing above a child. Ichigo moves to intervene and the Hollow is lit up by gunfire on all sides. Falling back, he sees a small army in three-piece suits standing outside the fence surrounding the schoolyard, repeatedly firing into the Hollow.

Kurosaki Clinic: Exterior

"So hungry," Tatsuki moans, following the smell of bread. She traces it to someone in a baker's uniform walking toward Ichigo's house. Following the baker, she enters the house, passing by the hole in the living room which had already been repaired because it was no longer necessary for the story. She walks into Ichigo's room just in time to see the baker throw the bread into his closet, shut the door, and leave. After confirming that she was alone, Tatsuki goes to the closet and opens the door, steam wafting over her and heading out the open window.

"Mmmmm. Hoagies," she says, walking into the closet in a trance.

Karakura Elementary

The Hollow now taken care of, Ichigo spies his body on the ground nearby, unconscious. He approaches it and as he gets close a cloud of steam from the direction of his house washes over it, causing it to spring awake. Looking in the direction of the source, Ichigo's body begins running toward the fence, flapping its arms madly.

"That idiot's going to run into the fence," one of the uniformed people says.

As it nears the fence, Ichigo's body leaps into the air and sails off into the horizon.

"After it!" Ichigo yells, he and Rukia taking off in pursuit. They chase it until it fades from visibility, then Rukia tells Ichigo it's time to go home.

Ichigo's Room - Evening

"Just trust me," Rukia says, opening the door to Ichigo's room, "It'll be there."

Ichigo's follows her in to find his body beating its head against his closet door.

"How did you know it would be here?" Ichigo asks as it begins slowing down.

"It seems to like bread," Rukia says, "So, just in case the soul candies didn't work, I bought it all.

"All the bread?"

"All the bread."

"And you threw it in my closet?"

"I needed to put it somewhere your body could never actually reach or it wouldn't keep coming back."

The thumping slows to a stop as Ichigo's body slumps to the floor. He takes this opportunity to jump into it and Rukia sets about healing his injuries.

Ichigo's Closet

Tatsuki marches resolutely through the barren desert in Ichigo's closet, the unnatural, despair-inducing air doing nothing to stifle her drive to find that bread. Eventually she reaches the border of the desert and the terrain changes to a creepy world of darkness, but still she persists and finally reaches her reward.

"Hoagies!" she cheers, jumping into a twelve foot pile of bread and chowing down. As she tears into the bread, Tatsuki hears a sigh. Turning to the source, she sees a giant anthropomorphic mouse and immediately runs. Not before grabbing a few hoagies for the road, however.

Ichigo's Room

"Sardines!" Ichigo shouts as he shoots awake.

"Ah, you're finally up," Rukia says, holding up whatever she was reading, "Did you know there's a list of organs you don't need?"

"Rukia, what did you do to me?" Ichigo asks.

"I healed your injuries, why?" Rukia narrows her eyes at him, "Wait, you don't think I took-"

"Why do I have a deep-seated and thoroughly irrational fear of cheesecloth?"

CHAPTER 7 END

You're probably wondering how the door got shut between Tatsuki walking into the closet and Ichigo's body arriving in his room. The demons in Ichigo's closet may be evil, but they're not rude.