This wait is killing me…

Calm

Feelings and strong emotion could have such an impact on behaviour, and perception of events, and Elizabeth was only just starting to realise how much. Lately her thoughts had felt so scrambled, she'd been so disoriented and unsure of how to clear her head. Lashing out at Rosemary more than once, which seemed justified in her mind at the time, she now reflected that Rosemary only wanted, as she always had, what was best for her.

Clarity had come in a number of ways. In talking to Nathan about why it had taken him so long to tell her about Fort Clay, he had opened up about his disciplinary action and the guilt he felt over Jack's assignment and subsequent death. He had then proceeded to explain he'd come to Hope Valley out of a sense of duty and responsibility, wanting to protect her and her son, which was noble and selfless, just as Rosemary had said. Unfortunately, she was not in a position to hear that at the time.

Talking to Katie and Ned Yost about fear and loss, and the possibility of missing out on joy and living for today had offered further insights. Elizabeth knew there would always be uncertainty in life, but in being afraid there was the potential to miss out on a lifetime of joy. She then also started to consider things with a clearer view, thinking about in avoiding relationships, whether any hurt would be mitigated with an unexpected loss, or exacerbated in not experiencing the joy at all.

Elizabeth's strained relationship with Rosemary, whilst extremely difficult for her, was also guiding her in her lucidity. Even though Rosemary's life was not the way she might have envisioned it, she dealt with life's challenges with a grace and dignity that Elizabeth felt she had been sorely lacking recently. She understood she had a lot of work to do to make things right with Rosemary, and was prepared to put in the time to do so. Elizabeth had also been thinking about Rosemary's fearlessness and the way she threw herself into new ventures with her whole heart, and hoped she could find even a shred of Rosemary's courage to move forward with.

Having distance between herself and Rosemary also left Elizabeth more time to think, and she had come to realise that Rosemary was right – Nathan was not responsible for Jack's death and the acknowledgement provided her with such a sense of calm. She also knew she had to tell Nathan, and when the opportunity presented itself at Florence and Ned's wedding reception, she decided to take advantage of it. Elizabeth was surprised at the concern, relief and sincere thanks Nathan showed during their discussion. She hadn't fully realised the burden he was carrying and was hopeful he could now attain some peace, just as she had. Elizabeth was also surprised when he reached for her that she hadn't recoiled or resisted, instead moving toward him and welcoming his attentions in the moment, providing comfort for both of them.

This revelation, and the subsequent shift in her relationship with Nathan as a result was having an impact on her relationship with Lucas as well. Elizabeth had always felt she needed to move slowly in any new relationship, and had told Lucas as much, and yet her interactions with Nathan were proving the opposite. Lately there had been a sense of disconnect and growing distance between herself and Lucas, and Elizabeth was struggling with what that meant. Then Lucas came by and told her he'd decided to set her free, which Elizabeth had not expected.

Determined to actually take some time to work through her feelings, Elizabeth sat down and started to take advantage of her newfound clarity.

Lucas was thoughtful, charming and very generous. He had made every attempt to make their time together special, they had shared interests and their conversation was easy. When she had asked for time, he had said he was willing to provide it, and had demonstrated as such, yet had also gently pressured her in different ways. Elizabeth enjoyed spending time with Lucas, however lately things had felt strained and he had never declared himself to her, despite knowing Nathan had done so twice. Elizabeth did care for Lucas, however she also knew now that she had accepted his attentions as a way to deflect her feelings for Nathan.

Nathan could be reserved and hard to read, but at times he could also be open with her. Since they had cleared the air between them, she had glimpsed an intensity in their interactions which had taken her breath away, along with glances of a light-hearted nature she had previously only seen when he was with Allie. Elizabeth had found herself sharing stories with him of her time with Jack easily, feeling very natural in doing so and interacting familiarly and involuntarily. Nathan had been respectful in giving her space, whilst still ensuring she was aware of his feelings and what his intentions were.

In Nathan's profession aligning with Jack, there were the inevitable comparisons to be made. Were her feelings genuinely for Nathan, or a remnant of a feeling tied to her late husband? Had she been deferring a relationship with Nathan, due to her fear of losing him the way she had lost Jack?

Elizabeth knew Nathan and Jack were different men. Whilst they held the same profession, Jack had been a single man, dedicated to his job completely when she met him and angry at being diverted to Hope Valley because of her. Even though he had been happy in Hope Valley, he'd had a passion to fight the good fight that had continued through until the day he died. Jack had been clear in his intentions once he'd decided to court her, and she knew he'd fallen in love with her completely, just as she had with him. There would always be a piece of her heart that would belong to him.

Yes, Nathan was also a Mountie, however he had Allie to consider and whilst he was dedicated to his profession, he'd also made it clear he was willing to consider other options if it was the best option for his family. Nathan had chosen to come to Hope Valley out of a sense of responsibility to her and her son, wanting to protect them. He had chosen to stay to provide Allie with a stable home where she felt safe and happy, along with other reasons that appeared to include her, and had always been clear in his intentions.

They were both excellent men, and Elizabeth was aware she was in the unique position of being lucky enough to have the love of two such men in one lifetime.

The fear of losing Nathan as she had lost Jack, along with the depth of feeling she had for Nathan, had been the motivating factor in telling Nathan she couldn't give him what he wanted, and finally accepting Lucas' attentions.

And Elizabeth was now realising that whilst she cared for and respected Lucas greatly, she didn't love him. Elizabeth was in love with Nathan, it had been clear to her now that this had been the case since the day she had thought he'd been shot, it had simply been her own fear holding her back from admitting it, even to herself.

Elizabeth also remembered Jack's letter to her, asking her to promise him to open her heart to love again, and that he wanted nothing more than her happiness. He wouldn't want her to settle for anything less than true love, as in doing so she would only be disrespecting his memory, and the love they had shared together.

The revelations had been hard, however in letting herself finally feel, Elizabeth was experiencing a great sense of calm. She lifted her left hand, looking at her beautiful rings in the glow of the light, and she knew it was time. The final part of her catharsis. Remembering the night Jack had proposed and the comfort she had derived from the ring he had kissed before riding off to the Northern Territories whilst he was away. Recollecting the bond she had felt with him on their wedding day when they got to declare their love in front of family and friends and proudly wear their rings.

Elizabeth gently removed her rings from her finger, finally understanding that in doing so, it wouldn't diminish the love they'd had. Rather, it was an expression of that love, and a way to allow her to honour her promise to Jack to fully open her heart again.