Holding on and Letting Go
Authors Note: Thank you for reading! Please review. :)
Chapter 7
"Mommy this is odd." Benjamin says, stamping his foot.
"Good, odd or bad odd?" I ask him. We had spent the morning shopping at Pottery Barn kids for nursery furniture, then playing at the playpark, and having ice cream before meeting the delivery personnel at the house. They just moved the old furniture from the room, and installed the crib, rocking chair, and changing table, arranging it for me in the baby's room.
"I don't know." He admits, looking around at all the new things. We are sitting in the space that used to be my office. Surrounded by bags of clothing, bedding, diapers, and all kinds of other baby accessories. "Does the new baby really have to sleep in the room right next to mine?" He asks, sounding put off at the whole idea. My room is just as you come up the stairs, then it's my office that we're in now, Benjamin's room, and then Clara's room at the end. The rest is just blank space that needs filled, and a bathroom.
"Where else would we put it?" I ask him.
"I don't know, what if she cries all night long?" He says, looking at the bags doubtfully.
"She won't sleep in here overnight right away." I explain. "She'll be in my room; babies wake up a lot in the middle of the night to eat. Also, we don't know if baby is a little sister or a little brother yet." I remind him.
"That doesn't really matter." He says. "Calling the baby 'her' is still kinder than being called 'it'."
"I guess you're right." I say. I put one of the safari themed crib sheets we bought on the crib mattress and drop it down into the crib, just to see how it looks. Everything will still need to be washed before the baby uses it. "I have a job for you." I say, and his eyes light up.
"Oh? What kind of job?" He asks, as I take the large safari painting, he chose out of the box, and hold it up for his inspection.
"This is the most beautiful thing we got! I'm so happy you said yes!" He exclaims. He was less than excited, reluctant even to come to the store with me this morning, until he found out that he gets to pick the babies nursery. I promised Clara that we'd be careful, and honestly, she needs a break, so I sent her for a day at the spa.
"I want you to choose the best place for this painting." He looks at it thoughtfully, and then walks around the room, touching the blank spaces on the walls, carefully considering each space.
"We should put it above the crib, that way baby can look up at it and not cry from boredom."
"That's a great idea." I say, sitting the painting in the crib. "Climb in the crib, you can help me hang it." Benjamin climbs in the crib giggling while I get a step stool, wall anchors, and a hammer. "Show me where you want it, and we will put the anchors there." I say, showing him the wall anchors, and hammer in my hands. I had bought fancy ones that are supposedly meant to keep the paintings from falling better than just hanging on a nail alone. He picks up the painting and I help him adjust it. He wants it to sit directly above the back bar of the crib, I mark the spot on the wall with a nail, and then help him to put the painting down again and install the anchors. "Okay are you ready?" I ask him?
"Sure!" He chirps, I take half of the painting, and he takes the other half. Together we lift and latch it up onto the anchors. "Woah that does look good!" He climbs out of the crib and dances excitedly.
"You chose the best theme possible for your little sibling." I say, and he beams.
"Lets put up the rest!" He says, taking four smaller paintings out of the bags, and handing them to me. A giraffe, a chimpanzee, a zebra, and an elephant. "I already know where these should go!" He says proudly. "I want to put them above the changing table, so my little sister or brother doesn't cry so much when their diaper is getting changed."
"Okay, I love that spot, and then afterwards we'll take a break. We don't want Clara to think we're working too hard." I say, breathing slowly and very deliberately. I've been having Braxton Hicks all day, and it's getting harder to hide and ignore them.
"When I was supposed to be sleeping, I heard you say you love her." He taunts me a little sing song voice on the word love. He looks unconcerned, says it like it's nothing.
"I do love her, and she loves us, very much."
"Does that mean you don't love Daddy anymore?" He asks, looking up at me concerned.
"No, Benjamin." I stop what I'm doing and turn him towards me. "I'll always love your Daddy, even though he's not here anymore. Love is funny like that; it has the ability to keep growing. It's just like I'll still love you, even after your little sister or brother is born and our family grows." He considers this a moment as I put the anchors into the wall. I hand him the pictures one by one in the order that he requests, and he hangs them up. When finished I sit on the rocking chair, to admire our progress. He climbs down off of the changing table and onto my lap.
"We need one more picture in here."
"We do?"
"I want to hang a picture of you and Daddy in here, like we have in my room."
"That's a lovely idea Benjamin, I'm sure the baby will love it." I say, and he rests his head on my shoulder.
"I miss Daddy." He says quietly. "Only in dreams just isn't the same."
"I know baby… I miss him too… every day."
"How was your day today?" Clara asks, walking into the kitchen where Benjamin and I are having lasagna and salad for dinner. She kisses him gently on the forehead.
"Good." He mumbles. "Mommy made my favorite food. You should go look at what we did to Mommy's office, it's wild!" He says happily, taking a bite of his dinner.
"Benjamin picked the baby's nursery theme for me this morning." I say. "I'm not done yet; the office furniture is still in that empty space, but we can sort that out later, at least the nursery is together." Her face goes about two shades lighter. "Don't worry." I say quickly. "I didn't move anything heavy or lift anything. I hired the delivery drivers to move the old furniture and assemble the nursery furniture." I explain. "I swear, I can show you the receipt if you want." She breathes a sigh of relief and shakes her head.
"No, it's ok, I trust you."
"Don't tell her what theme I chose yet! I want it to be a surprise!" Benjamin says, tugging at my shirt.
"Okay, we'll surprise her." I agree, then turn to Clara as she fixes herself a plate. "Did you have a nice time?" I ask her.
"I did actually…" She starts before Benjamin interrupts and blurts out:
"Am I going to have two Mommies now?"
"Um…" Clara starts to respond, but then looks at me, questioningly.
"He overheard us talking last night." I explain to her, apologetic, but thankful that's all he heard. We're quiet for a minute, and then I say. "I don't know Benjamin, but haven't you always felt a little bit like you've had two Mommies?" I ask him. "Clara has always been more than just a Nanny, right?" I have decided not to be offended that he views Clara as another mom, and instead take it as a compliment that he trusts the person I chose to care for him that much.
"Yes..." He says, thinking for a moment. "But that's not what I meant. I meant two Mommies together. Elizabeth's Mommies just got married and she got to go to their beach wedding in Hawaii. She brought the whole class back flower Lei's and little beanie baby bears with a tie dye flowered Hawaii shirt on it."
"I would love to marry your Mommy and be your second Mommy." Clara says, gently.
"But…" Benjamin asks.
"But we've had a hard year." I say. "I love Clara very much, but we just lost Daddy, and so we need to take time to heal from that loss."
"Daddy wants you to marry her." Benjamin says, taking his now empty plate to the sink and washing his hands. "Daddy wants you to be happy. Always. No matter what."
"Well, that's very kind of him." I say, with a little smile over at Clara. I feel guilty though. I wish Mark would visit me in my dreams like he does Benjamin. Would dream Mark still be mad at me? Would I be able to hold him in my arms one last time? Could I say goodbye?
"Let's go see the nursery!" Clara suggests cheerfully, distracting Benjie and changing the subject all at the same time.
"I agree! Are you ready to show off your work Benjie?"
"FOLLOW ME!" He shouts, running and giggling up the stairs.
HOURS LATER
"He's asleep." I say, Clara looks up from the dishes she's washing. I go up behind her and wrap my arms around her. "It only took five rounds of 'Sleepy Sloths Jungle Adventure." I say.
"That's great, he seems to be doing a bit better." She responds, approvingly.
"We had a really good day."
"The nursery looks amazing."
"Thanks… Benjamin worked so hard to help me arrange it. He's an amazing big brother already." I say, pulling away, just watching her for a moment. She had lit a fire in the living room fireplace, and the red and golden flickering light dances around the kitchen. It seems to settle on her, making her glow.
"Let me help." I offer.
"No, you rest, I'm almost done." She says, washing the last pan, putting it in the dish drainer and drying her hands. "Lets go to the living room." She suggests. I follow her in and sit next to her on the couch.
"I love nights like this. Calm, and relaxing." I say. "Do you really want to marry me?" I ask her.
"Are you really asking me this right now? I've wanted to marry you since the day we met."
"How did you know?" I ask, watching her carefully.
"My question is how didn't you know?" She puts her hands on my tummy, saying hello to baby, and then looks up at me concerned after a few minutes. "You're having contractions?" She asks, totally ruining the sweet moment.
"No, just Braxton Hicks. Don't try and change the subject, how did you know?" I ask, but she's distracted now, trying to figure out if I'm telling the truth, or trying to downplay. "Clara?"
"Addison, I think we should call Arizona." She says finally. "These 'Braxton Hicks' are super close together if that's really what they are."
"I'm fine." I assure her. "I just need to rest."
"Are you're sure…"She presses.
"Certain, now Please tell me."
"With me you never hid yourself away. In medical school, and the last almost 8 years. When you're with me your personality shines. You're not like that with other people." She explains.
"You never told me this before."
"You were my best friend first, and that was so much more important to me. You love Mark. I didn't want to risk hurting you, or losing you until, I was sure." It doesn't slip my attention that she just said 'love' and not 'loved'.
"Sure, of what?" I ask her.
"That you love me too."
"I miss him though."
"You'll always miss him." She says, with a little sad smile. "A man you love, the father of your children died, and I am so sorry." I lean back into her embrace as she massages my shoulders, trying to ease the stress and the pain. "For what it's worth I miss him too, but what I miss more are these moments with you."
"What do you mean?"
"The little things that make you smile." She tries to explain. "Lighting a fire in the evenings and relaxing. The way your eyes light up when Benjamin gets off the school bus in the afternoons, like seeing him is the very best part of your day. How you grimace because it hurts, but smile everytime the baby moves, and gently touch the spot it just kicked." She says and I freeze, realizing I had just done this. "The way you love your twice a day green juice, and at this point it HAS to be a fault because that stuff is disgusting, but you love it, and it makes you happy. Just spending time with you and Benjie, even when we're doing nothing it still ends up being my everything."
Authors Note:
Thank You! To everyone who has been reading Holding on & Letting Go. I wanted Addison to have kind of a calm chapter, hopefully this fit the calm bill. 😊.