Chapter 7

Hijikata had been staring at a blank sheet of paper on his desk for almost an hour. He was supposed to come up with a new strategy to infiltrate a small shop where, according to a witness, some people sell secret information about high officials in Kyoto. Under normal circumstances he could have come up with two or three ides within an hour. But his mind was thinking about something else, or rather, about a specific person. And his body was longing for someone to hold him or for someone who he could hold close. He needed to come up with a strategy soon, the loves of those officials were in danger. But he first needed to clear his mind, because this wasn't going to work. He put down his brush and stood up. He knew that he couldn't give her an answer yet and he knew that she too needed some time to think clearly about everything that has been said, so he was going to ask her a simple question which she could answer with a yes or no. it was the best to give her options which she could choose from instead of asking her an open question which would take a long time for her to answer.

On his way to Chizuru's room he began to feel slightly anxious. What if his options were not what she wanted? What if she needed his answer sooner than he thought? What if she started crying? What if-

"Hijikata-san?"

Hijikata snapped out of his thoughts and looked around in search of the person who called his name.

"Hijikata-san, weren't you working on a secret report?" Chizuru stepped away from the door.

"What?"

They both stayed silent for a few seconds, unsure of what to say next.

"Ah, wasn't I-" Chizuru said.

"I'm sorry-" Hijikata began, only to cut of Chizuru.

They fell silent again and waited for the other one to finish their sentence, which didn't happen.

"I still have some things to do, so if you'll excuse me," Chizuru said shyly and turned to go back into room.

"Wait," Hijikata said and took a step forward. "I … uh." Everything he wanted to say got stuck in his throat. He wasn't the type to stumble so much over his words. Maybe his mother was right. Maybe he already was in love with the young woman standing in front of him.

"-ta-san? Hijikata?"

Hijikata blinked a few times and was brought back to reality. "Yes?"

"Is everything alright? You seem to be lost in your thoughts more than usual."

He stared at her blankly. How could she talk to him as if nothing had happened yesterday? Was he the only one feeling nervous right now?

"Hijikata!" Chizuru had come closer and took his hand in hers. "Come."

Hijikata nodded slowly and followed her inside her room. She'd called him by his name without an honorific, she'd raised her voice, she'd hold his hand. Hos was she able to do all that?

"Here, sit down." She let go of his hand and walked to the desk where a teapot and a few cups stood. She filled on of the cups with tea and gave it to Hijikata before sitting down next to him.

Hijikata took a sip of the warm tea and watched as Chizuru picked up the hakama in front of her. Her skilled, slender fingers went to work with the needle and thread, closing the ripped parts in the clothing piece.

"How did you know about the secret report?" Hijikata asked to break the uncomfortable silence in the room.

"Kondou-san told me. He said that there was a troublesome matter and that he'd asked you to take care of it."

"That's everything he told you?"

"It's a secret for outsiders, so yes. Oh and he told me that it would help you to think about something else."

Hijikata let out a small chuckle, making Chizuru look at him questionably. "It hasn't been really helpful, that's why I'm here," he explained.

"Why would you come to my room then?"

"To talk about something, or rather, to ask you something."

"About what?"

Hijikata nearly choked on his tea. Coughing, he looked at Chizuru. "Don't tell me you've forgotten?" That anxious feeling from before came back.

"No no, I haven't." Chizuru placed the clothing piece on the ground and shifted closer to him to pat him on his back. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to startle you like that. Of course I haven't forgotten about it. It's just, I didn't think that you wanted to talk about it this soon."

Hijikata looked at her with a small smile and straightened his back. His coughing had stopped and Chizuru withdrew her hand.

"I still don't have an answer, but I've thought a lot about it. There is a question I need your answer for to help me focus on my work again." He took another sip of his tea to give himself a moment to formulate his question. "Do you want the kind of life where you can be together with the one you love for as long as possible, even if it's for just a few years, maybe even a few months, and to make everyday special and to be open about everything, and to be able to continue with your life after your loved one has… passed away?" As soon as he finished the question he knew that it was too complicated. Why did it have to be such a long sentence?

"Yes."

"Hmm?" Hijikata's eyes widened after hearing her answer.

"Yes, that's the kind of life I imagined to have when I…" she lowered her eyes and began fidgeting with the fabric of her clothes. "When I confessed to you." Her voice was barely hearable, but Hijikata heard her voice loud and clear.

"Are you sure Chizuru? You know that once we've… done something you can't go back."

"I know, and that's why I've thought a lot about it, maybe too much. Like I've said yesterday, I know the cons about having a relationship with the vice-commander. But that doesn't stop me as you know. Her voices trailed off to silence. She was back to the shy young woman who he knew best out of everyone.

"The only thing that's in your way of having such a life is my answer right?"

Chizuru nodded.

Hijikata let out a heavy sigh and shifted so he could face her better. "Chizuru, could you look at me?"

Chizuru looked up at him and met his kind, violet eyes for just a second and lowered her head again.

"Chizuru-"

"Hijikata-san, could you not say my name like that?" she whispered.

Hijikata was slightly surprised that she was using an honorific for his name again. "Why?" He decided to not give up whatever he was planning to do, even if it made her all flustered and nervous. He got closer and took her hand in his. "Look at me."

She didn't.

"Chizuru, how can we have a romantic relationship if you can't even look me in the eyes?" He brought their hands to his lips.

"Wh- What did, uh what did…"

Hijikata laughed out loud, throwing his head a little back and closing his eyes. Chizuru got indeed all flustered by everything he did. "I said," Hijikata got even closer than before and whispered in her ear, "How can we have a romantic relationship if you can't look me in the eyes? You should get used to it Chizuru. I wont let you go now that you're mine. I will fulfill all your needs, be it emotional, romantical of physical, I wont let you down." He could feel her body stiffen. Maybe it was too much for her. He leaned back to look at her. Her face was a deep red shade and her lips were trembling. Soon the tears left her eyes and rolled down over her cheeks and chin. Soft sobs filled the room.

"Those tears are from happiness I hope?"

Chizuru nodded and pulled her hands away from his to dry her face. "I'm just having some trouble processing everything you've said and done." She smiled and finally looked at him. "I'm very happy," she managed to say and cried even harder.

Hijikata couldn't stand not touching and comforting her. He grabbed her by her arms and pulled her towards him for a hug. Her body was stiff at first, but she relaxed in his arms pretty fast. She hold onto his clothing and let out all the tears. Hijikata softly rubbed her back with one hand while the other one stroked her hair.