Guest: The Chad Typo vs the Virgin Proper Grammar

Lyrics to Stayin' Alive by The Bee Gees (1977)

It was official. Lincoln had reached the rank of Pimpmaster General. His harem consisted of five horny girls who would do whatever he said and he had every reason to believe that he would handily snap up the two remaining girls on his wishlist. He was endlessly proud of himself and so over the moon he could see Pluto (ooo she thicc). Building a harem came as naturally to him as being based came to Elon Musk; he set his mind to a goal and fucking accomplished it. His original plan was to stop at Lori, but who said he had to? He could have any woman he wanted. If they rejected him like that stupid cunt Jordan did, he could just rape them and they'd instantly change their minds. He was that good. Was it his genetics? Was it something in the water? He didn't know what it was that made him such a Chad but Chad he was. The day he raped Luna, he had five naked girls in his bed slap fighting one another for the privilege of licking his nut sack. He sure didn't get it from Dad and he seriously doubted he got it from Mom. Wherever it came from, he had it and boy did he intend to use it.

That Monday, before he set his sights on the sweet sugaroll Leni, he decided to undertake a sidequest. At recess, he, Clyde, Stella, Jordan, Cristina, Poppa Wheelie, Liam, and a few others gathered on the playground for a friendly game of kickball. Lincoln selected Stella at random and made his move. When she ran past after having kicked the ball a respectable distance (for a girl), Lincoln lunged at her like a pedophile from a dark alley. He tickled her neck and she danced back with a delighted squeal. "Knock it off!" she cried. "That's my tickle spot!"

"I know," Lincoln said with a salacious grin.

His eyes locked with Stella's and they gazed steadily at each other for a long, pregnant moment. Finally, Stella's cheeks blushed and she looked coyly away. Lincoln bit his lower lip and nodded, making her blush deepen.

"You wanna get out of here?" he asked.

Stella looked at him.,

Five minutes later, she was shoved against the wall of an alcove in the hallway with her panties around her thighs and Lincoln's fingers gliding furiously back and forth inside of her. She threw her head back and humped him, one hand clutching a handful of his shirt and the other pulling madly at her own hair. Lincoln increased his speed until he was positively decimating her insides with his two digits and a thumb on her clit. She cringed, clamped down on her lower lip, and came so hard she screamed in Chinese. Lincoln left her in a drooling, bucking heap on the floor and strutted down the hallway, music playing in his head.

Well, you can tell by the way I use my walk

I'm a woman's man, no time to talk

Girls turned to stare at him with hazy expressions and boys looked on in open jealousy. Lincoln shot a finger gun at Cookie QT and she swooned; if it weren't for her friends catching her, she would have fallen to the hard, unforgiving floor like Plankton slipping on biscus fluid.

Well now, I get low and I get high

And if I can't get either, I really try

Got the wings of Heaven on my shoes

I'm a dancin' man and I just can't lose

You know it's alright, it's okay

I'll live to see another day

He stopped at Clyde, who was rummaging through his locker, and rubbed his wet, sticky fingers under the black boy's nose. Clyde's face crinkled and he looked at Lincoln. "What's that smell?" he asked.

"That, my friend," Lincoln said, "is the smell of success." He slapped Clyde's back.

"Huh," Clyde said, "it smells kind of like Stella's pussy."

If you looked up the term "shitting bricks" on Urban Dictionary, you'd see a Jpeg image of Lincoln's face at that exact moment.

As it turned out, Stella was a little sixth grade slut who'd let pretty much anyone finger fuck her. If she really liked your game, she'd toss you off in the boys room. Lincoln felt sickened and betrayed that he wasn't her first. It weighed heavy on his soul that she would be with anyone else, and he was so fucked up by it that he almost turned her down when she offered to take him into the boys room and "repay the favor."

Almost.

He could take solace in the fact that he was the best she'd ever had,. Clyde, Rusty, Rocky, Poppa Wheelie, Chandler, Principal Huggins, Flip, Dad, Mr. and Mr. McBride, Liam, Chaz, Bobby, Francisco, Skippy, Winston, Benny, David, Mick Swagger, and Chunk only got handjobs, He, on the other hand, got oral. She sank to her knees before him, took his dick out of his jeans, and worked it with her mouth like a stripper working a pole. Lincoln ran his fingers through her shiny black hair and thrusted his hips, fucking her throat until he started to cum. Stella, ever the lightweight, spat him out, and he wound up jizzing all over her shirt. For the rest of the day, she had a big dark stain on one boob and he had a proud smile. Maybe he'd let her join his harem...or maybe he'd just keep it kinfolk.

That was a decision for another day, though. Right now, he had other fish to fry.

Fish that wore slinky aquamarina dresses, white sunglasses on top of their blonde heads, and said totes a lot.

Lennifred Rita Loud, age sixteen, was Lincoln's special needs second oldest sister. Family legend says that she was Lisa level intelligent when she was a baby, but swan-dived out of her crib when she was two and became an airhead. Lincoln doubted the veracity of those whispered claims, but whether they were true or not, Leni was what uber-polite society might call "differently-abled." What she lacked in brains, she more than made up for in heart; she was the most caring and loving individual Lincoln knew, so sweet that she'd probably rot your teeth and make you gag if you kissed her. He intended to find out, and to do so, he wouldn't have to try very hard. If he could conquer five girls with average intelligence, he could take Leni on no problem. Her tickle spot was her feet and he was abundantly confident that once he got ahold of her little piggies, the rest of her would follow close behind.

This go around, his planning centered mostly on keeping Mom, Dad, and Lori out of his hair. He did not want a repeat of last time and made sure to scold Lynn, Lucy, and Lola for letting Luna slip through. "That could have been the end of us," he told them."Because of your carelessness, all of us could have suffered. That had better not happen again or you're out of the harem."

Lucy gasped, Lola begged and pleaded, and Lynn went completely white. Being kicked out of the harem and denied the awesomeness of Lincoln Loud - from hus full and luscious cowlick to his big, floppy feet - was a fate worse than death, and none of the Loud girls could tolerate the idea. You can't simply have sex with Lincoln and walk away; he was huighly addictive, like meth, and made you feel like he was fucking not only your body but your soul as well. They needed his magical touch and they would do anything, anything, to keep getting it.

To be absolutely sure that they didn't goof this up, Lynn took charge of Operation Keep Mom, Dad, and Lori From Finding Out That Lincoln Has a Harem Consisting of Lola, Lucy, Lynn, Luan, and Luna and Is Trying to Recruit Leni and Lori As Well. She, Luan, and Luna pooled their money and bought Mom and Dad a relaxing spa weekend at the Overlook Hotel on the UP and arranged to have Mr. and Mr. McBride babysit Lily until Sunday evening. Defacto control of the house fell to Lori, but Luna managed to convince Lori to let her run the show "That way you can stay over at Bobby's."

Lori's face lit up at the prospect of sleeping in the same bed as her boo-boo bear, which infuriated Lincoln. You'[ll pay for this, Bobby. I don't know how yet, but you will; you will rue the day you started sniffing around the Loud house.

In addition to dealing with Bobby, it was getting dangerously close to the time when Lincoln would have to worry about Clyde as well. Every day, Clyde made lewd and suggestive remarks about Lori's body and what he would do with it. On Thursday, he mentioned that he had a fantasy about filling her ass crack with chocolate syrup and "eating me some sweet Loud cake." He also said something about wanting Lori to "queen" him as he jacked off into her panties. Lincoln was outraged at Clydre's hideous words but he accepted them for now. Once Lori joined his harem, however - and he hadn't the slightest doubt that she eventually would - Clyde would become his problem.

He didn't give the same thought toward Chaz, the paramour of his current conquest. Chaz was a fat, bushy-haired loser who didn't have the fucking stones to make a proper move on Leni. They were boyfriend and girlfriend in the way that two ten year olds are boyfriend and girlfriend: They kind of liked each other, hung out a lot, and didn't know how to handle or process their emotions. At least Leni didn't. Chaz was just a pussy. He'd use his fat-encrusted micropenis on Leni if given half a chance, but he was too bitch to make that chance himself, so he just stood there looking incredibly overweight, waiting for fate to intervene. He was one of those sad soycucks who fantasize about forceful women because the only way he'll ever get a woman is if she grabs him by the front of his shirt and takes him. Those faggots aren't man enouggh to go out and get the girl on their own and to shield their fragile little ego from that fact, they mentally passed it off as just liking what they liked. Lincoln liked forceful women but that was okay, he'd proven time and again that he was a real man who could do anything he set his mind to, so he was allowed to. He didn't need to be swept off his feet and carried away like a woman, because if he really wanted to, he could be proactive. Guys like Chaz can't. Lincoln didn't take Chaz seriously because Chaz wasn't a threat. He was like a little cloud: Puff and he'll blow away.

Bobby, on the other hand, had some game, and Lincoln would have to think of a way to get rid of him - permanently.

Killing him?

Nooo. God, Lincoln couldn't do that.

Having him deported?

Unfortunately, Bobby, though alabaster brown, was as American as apple pie.

He would think of something, Lincoln figured, but for now, he needed to put his entire focus on Leni.

For a week, he stalked her like a serial killer, following her everywhere she went, learning her habits and routines until he knew them better than his own. On Mondays, she and her Fashion Club met after school and worked on projects together. The club was Leni's brain child and she named it The Young Fascists of Royal Woods. On Tuesdays, she and Chaz went to the park and fed the ducks. As Lincoln watched, Chaz pumped himself up to make a move and started to put his arm around Leni, but stopped himself probably because he feared rejection. Hahahaha, fucking bitch. On Thursdays, Fridays, and Saturdays, she worked at Forever 21 in the Twin Pines Mall. At home, she worked on designs, did homework, and read the occasional children's picture book full of animal pics. She looooooved animals. Lincoln wondered if he could force her to fuck Charles for his amusement. Watching his blonde older sister take a dog's red rocket in the ass would be so fucking hot. If she sucked him, Lincoln, as she did it, then took his load all over her pretty little face, it would be even hotter.

Lincoln waited and bided his time. When the weekend of Mom and Dad's vacation rolled around, he dispatched his harem to their battle stations. Lynn would set up in the bushes outside of Bobby's house and make sure she didn't come back to 1216 for any reason. Luan and Lucy would standby in case they were needed to help Lynn contain Lori. Lola and Luna would guard the hall and make sure no one disturbed him while he worked his magic on Lennifred.

As the appointed day drew near, Lincoln began to think of her more and more. On Friday, while she was out, he sneaked into her room, grabbed her nightgown from the floor, and sniffed every square inch of it, starting with the crotch and ending with the butt. He crammed the fabric into his mouth and sucked out sweat and dead skin, unconsciously masturbating himself as he did it. When he was close, he pointed his dick at one of Leni's flip flops, splattering it with his man butter.

He thought of it squishing between her toes and had to jack off again, this time laying face down in her bed and sniffing her pillow. What was it about Leni's scent that drove him so fucking wild? Was it her pheromones? Was her body so fertile that it cried out to his to be inseminated? I mean...that's not gonna happen, but if the Science Channel is to be believed, pheromones form the basis of all sexual attraction. You are drawn subconsciously to partners who will make good mates - literal mates - and that Leni's scent made him almost sperm in his pants. He'd have to be super careful when he put it in her; if he came in her womb, she'd get pregnant in a heartbeat. She could fertilize a fucking rock.

Later on, when she got home from work, Lincoln ushered her into a warm bath he had drawn for her. "Thank you, Lincy," she said, "I totes need it."

He told her that he had a school project where his family had to conserve as much water as possibly. She was so trusty and naive that she bought it hook, line, and sinker and didn't drain the tub when she was done. Lincoln waited for her to leave, then locked himself in the bathroom, knelt beside the tub, and thrust his head into the water, drinking it until he needed to come up for air and then going back in for another helping. He was so turned on that he grabbed the first member of his harem that he came across - Luna - and fucked her on her bedroom floor. When he came, he let out a roar that brought down the walls and set off car alarms six blocks away.

"Geez, bro," Luna said and sat up, "you really had to go, huh?"

The front of her shirt was saturated with his seminal fluids, and a dollop stuck to the underside of Luna's bottom lip. Lucy, passing by in the hallway, saw it, gasped, and rushed in. Dropping to her knees in front of Luna, she grabbed Luna's face in her hands, pulled her lips to hers, and sucked the sperm into her mouth.

Lincoln's dick twitched impotantly. He wanted to fuck Lucy now but he had nothing left for her. He needed to recharge his batteries. That night, he pulled her under the covers, clutched her butt cheeks in his hands, and forced her down onto his dick. Her lips spread so far she hissed in pain and her body sucked and slurped at his shaft. Lincoln closed his hands around her throat and she started to ride him. When he came, he didn't bother pulling out because Lucy was good to go. When she started menstruating, he'd have to worry about pulling out, but for right now she was young and her womb hadn't fully developed. He could cum in her again and again and nothing would happen.

One day all of his harem would age up and unless they got on the pill or something, he would have to pull out. He wasn't looking forward to that and sincerely hoped that Lisa and Lily grew up pretty so he could cum in them instead.

Late Friday evening, Mom and Dad dropped Lily off with the sitter and left for their vacation. Lori left a few minutes later for her weekend fuckfest with Bobby. Leni was at work so aside from Lisa and Lana, Lincoln and his harem had the whole house to themselves. Lincoln had a sweaty, sticky threesome with Luna and Luan while Lynn,Lucy, and Lola watched, waiting their turn, Lincoln took a shower with Lola and force fed her his cock. She drank every drop and seductively licked her lips afterward like a good girl. In bed, he bent a naked Lucy over his knee and finger her while she licked his dick. He finished the night a bout of anal sex with Lynn; her butthole was so tight and hot that he didn't last but a couple minutes.

That night, he slept with five naked girls curled up against him and another girl - Stella - texting him to tell him how good he tasted and how she couldn't get him out of her mind. Life was good for Lincoln Loud.

The only real hiccup was Jorda, the bitch who dared to reject him.

But that was okay.

He'd get her.

The next afternoon, the harem sprang into action. At one, escorted by Lucy and Luna, Lincoln went to Leni's door and knocked. "Like, totes come in," Leni sang out.

Lincoln turned to his girls. "Do not fuck this up. If anyone - and I mean anyone - gets through you, you're both out of the harem."

"We swear, bro," Luna said, "we got this."

"No one's getting through."

Nodding, Lincoln went inside Leni's room.

Leni, clad in aquamarine colored dress, sat at her sewing machine, little stick pins clamped between her lips. She ran a length of fabric underneath the needle and hissed in pain when she jabbed her finger. "Sugar honey ice tea," she said and shook her hand. She remembered that Lincoln was there and twisted around. "Hi, Lincy."

"Hey," Lincoln said, feigning discomfort, "you alright? You pricked yourself."

He almost smiled at his choice of words.

Prick.

She was gonna get pricked in a minute alright.

"Oh, I'm fine," she laughed and waved her hand dismissively. "It happens all the time." She jammed her finger into her mouth and sucked it. Lincoln watched, dick getting hard, and bit down on his knuckle. "Did you want to talk about something?"

Lincoln shook himself awake. "I just figured, you know, you're working so hard lately and...maybe you could use one of my famous foot rubs."

Leni touched her chin. "I didn't know your foot rubs were famous...or that you even had food rubs."

Shrugging, Lincoln said, "I'm full of surprises." He nodded to the bed. "Hop on and I'll give you a test run. Free of charge, of course."

For a moment, Leni mulled over his proposition then got up. "Why not? My feet have been kind of achy lately."

She sat on the edge of the bed, kicked her sandals off, and swung her legs onto the bed. Her feet were smooth and petite, the nails painted seafoam green. She wiggled her toes as if to tease him, and Lincoln gulped. He went over and sat beside her. She laid her legs across his lap and he started to massage one foot with both hands, threading his fingers through her toes and kneading her heel. Her skin was smooth and unblemished, almost like a baby's, and warm enough to melt a snowman's dick in a blizzard. Leni leaned back against the headboard and closed her eyes, a look of peace coming over her features. "That feels good," she stated.

"I took a class online," Lincoln said. He grazed his fingertips along the top of her foot and studied her face, looking for signs that she was turned on. He didn't see any but he hadn't even begun to try. He trailed one finger along the sole of her foot and studied her face for a reaction, getting it when she smiled to herself. "That tickles," she commented.

He knew. Leni's feet were extremely ticklish and if you rubbed them the right way, she'd scream at the top of her lungs and roll off the bed like Louis Creed waking up from a bad dream. Presently, he splayed his fingers and gently fluttered them over Leni's foot. Her body tensed and she tried to pull away, but realizing it was time to go all in, Lincoln grabbed her ankle and held it in place. "Stop!" she half screamed, half laughed.

Instead, Lincoln went harder. Leni wailed, jumped, and squirmed, sinking down until only her head was against the headboard at a painful angle. Letting go, Lincoln got on top of her, cupped her cheeks in his hands, and jammed his tongue into her mouth. She went completely still as he swirled his tongue around hers, and her breasts heaved as though an alien was about to burst forth from inside.

Lincoln expected her to batter his face with weak, tepid little blows or to start crying, but when he broke the kiss, he was surprised at her sly smile. "Really?" she asked.

"I've been wanting to do that for a long time," Lincoln said honestly.

She laughed. "You have no idea what you're getting into."

Lincoln reached into his pants and took out his dick. "Hopefully you."

Leni's smile widened.

Was it just him, or was there a scary gleam in her eye?

In a flash, he was flat on his back, head swimming. Before he knew what was happening, Leni tied his hands to the bedposts with two pairs of panties. She stood over him and Lincoln's mouth fell open. Somehow, in the twinkling of an eye, she had changed out of her normal Leni clothes and into a black leather corset, fishnet stockings, and a Nazi officer's cap. She held a bullwhip in one black gloved hand. Lincoln blinked his eyes, half expecting the kinked out vision of his older sister to be a delusion, but she was still there in all her glory like a BDSM madonna. He opened his mouth to speak but his words turned into a womanish cry of pain when Leni snapped her wrist and the tip of the whip lashed his body. "Like, silence, Lincy. You only talk when I say you can."

Was this really happening? It couldn't be. Leni was all unicorns and rainbows. Of all the people on earth Lincoln would peg as a dominatrix, Leni was dead last, right behind Jesus Christ.

Bending over, Leni clamped her hand on Lincoln's chin and favored him with a deep, abiding disdain that was actually pretty fucking hot. "You are my property. Is that understood?""

Not giving him a chance to respond, Lincoln sucked his bottom lip into her mouth and bit down on it so hard that Lincoln yelped. She reached into the nightstand, pulled out a ball gag, and tied it around his head, fitting the ball into his mouth. Next, she pulled his pants down, rocked back on her heels, and made a sad tsk tsk tsk sound at the sight of his penis. "Like...where's the rest of it?"

The fuck you mean the rest of it? It's nine inches, that's not enough for you?

"This totes displeases me," she said. She closed her hand around it and squeezed. Lincoln's eyes bulged out of his head and he let out a muffled scream. It hurt...but it also felt kind of good. Leni leaned in and flicked her tongue across the tip, her warm wetness sending shivers down Lincoln's spine. "You taste like shit. I bet you, like, put it in Clyde's butthole. Faggot."

She slapped him and stinging tears welled in his eyes. She did it again. "Only bitches cry, Lincy. Are you a bitch?"

He tried to answer that but she cut him off. "Don't answer. I already know."

Hooking her thumb into her G-string, Leni bent at the waist and pulled it down, baring the hairless V of her sex. She kicked the underwear away and said, "I'm going to use you like the bitch you are."

With that, she climbed onto him, facing away, and squatted over his face. Her perfect ass blotted out the light and the smell of her sex organs filled his nostrils like the sweetest perfume. She sat on his face and pressed her hands to his stomach. Immobile, Lincoln could only lay there sniffing her as she began to ride him. Her pussy lips rubbed against his nose and the ball protruding from his mouth and at one point, she moved in just the right way for his nose to dip into her asshole. Leni's soft panting made his dick so hard it felt like it was going to explode and when she took it in her hand, he started to wildly buck his hips, needing release so fucking badly. She made an OK sign with her thumb and forefinger and wrapped it tight around his shaft. He pumped harder, the panties biting into his wrists.

Without warning, she squeezed his dick again, and he couldn't take it anymore: He pumped his hips one more time and unloaded, shooting Love Fist fuel all around. "You little toad!" Leni growled. She got up and glared at him, then at her hand, which was dripping with his seed. "I didn't say you could cum, Lincoln." She ripped the ball gag out of his mouth and rubbed his liquid lovin' all over his lips and chin. He turned his head away but Leni held him down. "Like, you been a bad boy."

Having no other choice, Lincoln ate his own sperm.

And instantly realized why Lucy and Lola loved sucking his dick so much.

It tasted fucking awesome.

It was a long time before Leni let Lincoln fuck her. First, she made him get naked, wear a dog collar, and crawl on all fours. She put her boot on his back and pressed him to the floor, whereupon she whipped his ass with a braided whip. Next, she tied his hands behind his back, made him kneel down, and put a metal ring around his cock. It hurt like hell but his erection didn't go down; if anything, it got bigger and thicc'er. She finally took the cock ring off, then proceeded to grind his dick under her bootheel. Lincoln tossed his head from side to side and screamed until his vocal cords felt like they were going to rip. In the hall, Lucy and Luna exchanged an uneasy glance. Luna wanted to go in and see if everything was okay, but he said not to let anyone into the room, and she took that to mean her and Lucy as well.

After abusing Lincoln's dick, Leni made him wear a dress and earrings. She walked around him in a slow circle like an evil villain preparing to tell the captured hero her dastardly plans. "You look really good as a girl...much better than you do as a boy." She put make up on him, made him suck her toes, and shoved a butt plug up his ass.

Finally, she shoved him to the floor and mounted him. With one swift jerk of her hips, she impaled herself on his dick and pulled his cowlick so hard he cried out. "Whose is it, Lincy?" she asked. "Whose is it?"

She slapped his face.

"God, yours!" Lincoln cried.

She ran her hands through her hair and slammed her hips down on him so hard that he honestly believed his pelvis was going to shatter. He held onto her hips and fire blazed in her eyes. "Don't touch me!"

"Sorry!"

Leni bounced up and down, her pussy gripping and stroking his dick. He was just starting to get into it when she came with a shudder. She got up and stood over him, her hands on her hips and a glower on her face. His dick pulsed and leaked, so close to erupting that a light brush would send him over the edge. She crossed her arms and sassily cocked her hip. "What are you doing?" she asked.

Uhhhh….

"Get out of my room," she ordered.

"I didn't get to cum."

"No, but, like, you get to go."

With that, she kicked Lincoln out of her room. In the hall, Luna and Lucy looked him up and down, grimacing in sympathy at the many cuts, bruises, and abrasions crisscrossing his violated body. "How did it go?" Luna asked.

Lincoln took stock of himself. Aches and pains riddled him, he felt used and humiliated, and his dick and balls throbbed hotly.

"I...feel...GREAT," he said.