Luckily, he didn't throw up again the rest of the day because he practically just slept. His mom went in for a little bit after she had calmed down. Meredith stayed glued to his side as he trembled like a leaf in his deep sleep. She wasn't exactly sure what she could do for him except offer to talk and be there when he wanted her.

Derek woke up the next morning in agony from head to toe. Mark and Addison were sat on the coach when he woke up panting heavily.

"Derek?" Addison said shooting up.

"Pain." He gasped.

Addison quickly went and put an oxygen mask over his fave to try ease his breathing and fast raising heart rate and BP.

"What hurts?" Mark asked pressing the call button.

"Everything..." He cried.

"What's- I'm going to get Dr Swender." The young nurse said running out of the room.

"Just breathe Shepherd, in and out." Mark soothed.

"I'm going to get Meredith." Addison said running out of the room.

Dr Swender burst into the room with the nurse by her side.

"What's happening?"

"He's in agony."

"What hurts?"

"Everything..."

"Okay, just try to breathe, I'm going to start you on a low dose of oxycodone, Natalie can you get me one pill?"

The nurse went around the bed and rustled in the locked trays for the pill. She found it, placed it in a white paper cup and gave it to Rebecca.

"Okay, can you swallow this please?"

Mark handed him a glass of water and he swallowed down the small pill as tears streamed down his face.

"That should start working soon, how are you feeling?"

"Sick." He sighed.

"Okay, you were given some more lorazepam a few hours ago and I'm going to put your next chemo up now so you can have some after the infusion." Dr Swender said before connecting up his chemo bag.

"Tired..." He groaned quietly.

"You sleep Derek, you need it, you look exhausted." Said Rebecca.

Derek didn't need to be told twice and fell straight asleep.

"Page me if you need anything Dr Sloan."

"Okay."

Dr Swender left with the room and Mark sat down next to his sleeping brother. He held his hand tightly and for the first time let a tear stream off his face. Meredith, Carolyn and Addison walked back through the door.

"What's wrong?" Meredith said darting over to him.

Mark sat up and wiped the tears away from his face,

"He woke up in agony, Rebecca has given him some oxycodone and put today's chemo up."

"Oh Derek." She sighed rubbing his shoulder.

"This is going to be hell." Carolyn sighed.

"Mom, I don't know if your up for it now but I think I have found a good date for Amelia's funeral."

"Okay, when?"

"2 weeks yesterday so 1 week, 6 days?"

"Okay, is Derek going to be okay for then?"

"It is the 2nd day of his 3 day break from chemo."

"Okay, I'm going to go see to some arrangements." Mom said walking out of the room with Addison following her.

"Mark?"

"I'm sorry..." He said wiping his tears.

"Why are you sorry?" She sighed.

"I'm crying." He trailed off.

"Your brother is very sick and the closest thing you have to a sister has just died, your allowed to cry or even break down."

"I know." He sighed.

"Your amazing Mark, even amazing needs to take a break."

Mark smiled standing up, he walked over to her and hugged her.

"Thank you Meredith." He said pulling away.

"It's okay."

They both sat down and started to chat for half an hour or so before Derek woke up.

"Meredith?" He whispered.

"Hey, how are you feeling?"

"Hmmm..."

"What do you need?" She said softly.

"No...thing." He said swallowing hard.

Meredith quickly placed the basin down on his lap as she helped him sit upright. He sat there for a minute or two with his eyes tightly shut and taking deep breaths to try alleviate the rising nausea. After that he couldn't take it any longer and threw up in the basin, a cough rattled his chest and small frame. Meredith rubbed his back gently and Mark went to get a cold flannel from the washroom. His fever had gone up to 102.5 which was quite worrying. Mark walked back in and gave Meredith the flannel,

"Can you page Dr Swender?" Meredith whispered in Mark's ear.

Mark nodded and walked out of the room silently. Derek pulled back and rested his head on Meredith's shoulder. She quickly moved the basin to the chair and got on the bed next to Derek. She climbed into bed next to him and hugged him tightly. She could feel the fierce heat radiating off her abdomen as he breathed onto her stomach. He was laying in the foetal position with his head touching her chest and stomach. His skin was hot to the touch and clammy. His skin was nearly as pale as the bedsheets and his eyes were red and puffy from crying.

He started to gag again so Meredith grabbed the other basin from the seat and thrusted it under him so he could vomit. She rubbed his back tentatively before Dr Swender quietly walked into his room. She started adjusting some meds and looking at his sats. Mark hadn't reappeared. Once he finished Meredith laid him back on the bed and then she went and cleaned out the 2 basins.

"Okay, so the lorazepam hasn't helped at all so I'm going to start you on haloperidol. You will still feel nauseous but it should alleviate the vomiting."

"Okay good," Derek panted.

Dr Swender quickly injected the haloperidol into his Hickman line before taking his temperature. Meredith stood at the foot of the bed watching trying not to cry.

"Okay so your temp is at 102.7 which is indicating you have an infection so I am going to start you on some antibiotics."

"Oh."

Dr Swender hung another bag on his IV pole before she got a page,

"I have to go but I'm going to come check on you on a little bit."

"Okay see you later Rebecca." Meredith said.

"Bye."

Meredith took off her shoes and climbed into bed with Derek. She kissed him before resting his head on her shoulder. She could feel some tears but knew not to address it. He slowly fell asleep and so did she.

She hadn't kissed him in about three days. She watched her entirely too pale husband sleep and all she could think was she hadn't really kissed him in three days. The mouth sores made it almost too painful to talk, kissing was out of the question. He had been given more medications to make them go away, but they had to wait for that to happen. So no kissing her husband. It was hell.

There wasn't a single thing about it that wasn't hell. Three days earlier, physically he had been okay. Tired, nauseous, but okay. And on the next day he had woken up with another high fever and painful mouth sores. Mouth sores that made the talking they usually did to keep themselves distracted from all of this completely impossible. He was in constant pain, constantly curled into an exhausted ball, hardly able to even move so she could hold him.

When he managed to be awake, she'd try to do the talking thing for both of them. She'd ramble forever and even though he wasn't smiling, his eyes clearly said that it helped but she could still see the grief and depression behind his blue eyes. But it wasn't the same without him having something to say in return, something to make her giggle and maybe for just a few minutes forget that anything was wrong. Now it was impossible to forget that everything was wrong.

He was sick. He had leukemia and the chemotherapy seemed like it was killing him. He had contracted another infection, his body seemed to be completely going against him, and no matter how much medicine they pumped into him, it just seemed to get worse. Even then, as he slept through another blood transfusion, he seemed to be progressively getting worse, not better.

Rebecca was still not worried at all. Apparently Derek's body was supposed to be doing this. And while he wasn't handling the chemotherapy as well as some patients, this was nothing to worry about. They were fighting the cancer and everything else was just apart of that. Rebecca kept telling them that it was okay, that while this was scary, this was what was supposed to be happening. It didn't feel okay.

Nothing felt okay about her husband, her strong husband who liked to be cheesy and pick her up and carry her up the stairs for sex, curled into the foetal position as he slept, sweat pouring from his brow as he slept fitfully. Nothing felt okay about the fact he couldn't stay awake longer than thirty minutes at a time. Nothing felt okay about his continuously shrinking body. This wasn't okay.

She wanted to go back in time. Back in time to when he was healthy and he'd climb into bed and hold her tightly. It had been weeks since he had held her tightly and she had felt his muscles all around her. She missed that. She felt like an idiot for missing that but she couldn't help but think that she would feel better if he could just really hug her and tell her it was going to be okay.

His sister was dead. Dead. Never ever coming back! If she went out of the room for a few minutes and he was left alone he would sob and cry out for her. It broke Meredith's , Mark's, Carolyn's and even Addison's heart to see him like than. It was almost like he was emitting a keening noise. You could see how dark he felt, Meredith was sure that he was depressed, severely depressed. His sisters came in for a little bit on the second day but they couldn't bare to see him like he was. His mom was in every day trying to help but her and Addison were planning her funeral.

Hell.

"Mer?" The door opened slowly and Mark walked in, already out of his scrubs for the day. Which made her wonder what time it was. Because she really had no idea. She could vaguely remember the nurses bringing in jello and mashed potatoes for Derek, which he had turned down with tears in his eyes.

"Mark," She whispered, attempting a smile.

"How's he doing?" Mark sighed, falling in the chair beside the bed

"Not so good," Meredith murmured.

"He's...he slept most of the day. His fever hasn't broken. He won't eat because it hurts too much."

"Oh god, at this rate he won't even be allowed out for the funeral, it's only a week today."

"I know."

Dr Swender walked in the door for his hourly checks and looked at Mark and Meredith.

"How's he doing?"

"Same as last time, hasn't woken up-" Meredith said before getting cut off.

"I don't feed s'good." Derek slurred.

"Derek?" Dr Swender, checking his jugular pulse.

Just as she took her hand off his neck he started to have a seizure,

"He's seizing." De Swender said pressing the call button.

Dr Hunt was outside coming to check on him and when he heard all the shouting he ran in the room to see his best Neuro surgeon and friend convulsing badly. They had him rolled on his side, Dr Swender, Meredith and Owen were all holding onto his thin frame. A nurse injected the lorazepam into his line and he instantly stopped seizing.

"This isn't good, the infection has progressed. I need you to do a CBC and order a head CT Sarah." She said to the nurse.

"I'll go page Neuro."

"No, let me do it." Hunt interrupted.

Nobody realised Mark was hyperventilating and nearly about to pass out in the corner of the room until Meredith turned around looking flustered.

"Mark?" She said softly.

"I...I...I can't." He gasped.

Owen also went up to him and they both squatted down in front of him who was now on the floor with his knees up to his chest.

"Just breathe Mark, in and out with me..." Owen did taking some deep breaths with him.

After 5 minutes or so he had calmed down and just looked really tired. The nurse had done the blood draw so Owen just had to take him for a head CT.

"Are you okay Meredith if I go and take him for a head CT?"

"Yes, you go."

He quickly paged Karev, Kepner, Yang and Avery to help get him there. They all walked in the room and surveyed the scene of Mark on the floor with Meredith rubbing his back while taking deep breaths and Derek looking deathly on his hospital bed.

"Okay, he has just had a seizure and we need to get him up to CT now."

"Okay."

Yang and Karev went to get a gurney and brought one in. The transferred him onto the gurney which made him wake up.

"What...happened?" He slurred.

"You've had a seizure Derek, we're taking you up to CT now."

"Mer?"

Meredith looked over at Owen and shook her head knowing she couldn't move away from Mark who was sobbing by then. April moved his IV bags onto the pole on the gurney before Derek slipped back to his unconscious state. They took him out of the room and up to CT.

Meredith had stepped out of the room for a minute to call Carolyn who was in the conference room with Addison planning the funeral. She walked back in and he was still breathing shallowly and crying. She sat next to him and rubbed his shoulder while trying to get him to breathe. Carolyn and Addison burst into the room but both stood frozen when they saw him.

"Hey Mark, why don't we go for a walk?" Carolyn said walking up to him.

"Oh...okay." He stuttered.

Carolyn helped him up and grabbed hold of his arm. They walked out of the room towards the elevator.

"What happened?"

"He had a seizure, Mark just broke down seeing him like that."

"Where is Derek?"

"He's gone up for a CT."

"Okay, do you wanna go get some coffee?"

"Sure."

Meredith grabbed her purse and left the room shutting the door behind her. They both chatted as they walked down to the coffee cart outside. Bailey and Webber were both at the cart with Teddy and Callie.

"Hey Meredith." Callie smiled.

"Hi guys."

"How's Derek doing?" Asked Bailey.

"Not so good, he's up in CT now because he's just had a seizure."

"Oh my god, is it from the cancer?" Teddy asked.

"No, he has another infection and it sent up his temp to 104.2 so Dr Swender thinks it's from that."

"Here you go Meredith." Addison said passing her a cappuccino.

"Thank you Addie."

"If you need anything Meredith just come find us, are they doing a funeral for Amelia?"

"I will, the funeral is a week today."

"Is Derek allowed to go?"

"I've cleared it with Dr Swender but it depends on how he is that day."

"Okay, understandable."

"We're going to head off see you later."

"Okay Meredith bye."

"Bye Addison."

"Do you wanna go find Mark?" Asked Addison.

"Okay."

They walked up to the conference room on the 3rd floor and found them there.

"Hey." Meredith said softly.

"Hi." Carolyn said,

"How you doing Mark?"

"Better thank you." He smiled.

Meredith got paged 911 for his room and started to panic.

"It's Derek!" She started.