mild trigger warning

Chapter Seven: Why Did Writing Something Even Vaguely Comprehensible Have to be so Fucking Difficult?

Sirius sighed, crumpling yet another piece of parchment and throwing it on the floor. Why did writing something even vaguely comprehensible have to be so fucking difficult? Also, it didn't help that he felt the need to make it something perfect. He owed it to himself, to James and Peter, to Mr. and Mrs. Lupin, and especially to Remus.

He wiped away the tears of frustration. He had left the speech for the last possible minute. It was entirely his fault, he knew that, and it didn't help his overall mood. The funeral was the next day, and he was a complete mess.

"Pull yourself together, you fucking idiot," he hissed to himself.

He flopped back, sighing loudly. Part of him wanted to forget writing the speech and just wing it, but he knew that was a bad idea. There was no way he would be able to get through it without crying, and not being prepared wouldn't help.

"Siri?"

Sirius hauled himself into some semblance of a sitting position. "Hm?"

"We should probably get going," James said, his head poking into the room. "We're meeting Mr. and Mrs. Lupin in not that long."

"'M coming," groaned Sirius.

He pulled on Remus's hoodie, making sure the hood was up, hiding his hair and obscuring his face. He was a disaster, and he didn't have the energy or will to tame his hair, shower, or even brush his teeth. Whatever. It was fine. He didn't care.

When the boys walked into the Three Broomsticks, Sirius instantly spotted Mr. and Mrs. Lupin at a table in the corner. The couple rose to greet the boys. There were few words, just whispered apologies and silent tears.

Sirius slumped down into his seat, resting his face on his hand, staring off into the distance.

James shook his arm gently. "Sirius?"

Sirius turned to him, raising his eyebrows.

"You ok? I was saying your name for like a minute."

"What? Yeah. I'm fine."

"You sure?"

"Yeah."

Mr. Lupin stood up. "Sirius, would you mind coming with me for a minute?"

"Sure."

James squeezed Sirius's hand reassuringly. He stood up and followed Mr. Lupin out of the pub.

"So, Sirius," he said. "How are you?"

"Fine."

Mr. Lupin sighed. "Sirius, I'm not stupid. How are you actually doing?"

"I don't know."

"I'm sorry."

"It's fine."

"It's ok to not be ok. You know that, right, Sirius?"

"I guess."

"How are you coping?"

"I'm not sure."

"You loved him, didn't you?"

Sirius took a deep breath, stopping and looking directly at Mr. Lupin. "I did, Sir. I really did."

Mr. Lupin smiled sadly. "I can tell. You don't have to call me 'Sir.' Lyall is fine." He patted Sirius on the shoulder.

Sirius looked down at his feet. "I feel so fucking guilty," he said suddenly. "Shit, sorry. I mean, um-"

"It's fine." Lyall looked at him, but didn't say anything else. He just waited for Sirius to speak.

"I should have been there."

"You weren't responsible for him, Sirius."

"I know, but it still feels like I should have been. I said I would be there for him. And the one time it really mattered, I wasn't."

"Try not to blame yourself."

"I guess. We argued. Right before. We had a stupid argument, and he was mad at me, and that was the last time I s- saw…" Sirius trailed off, quickly wiping the tears away.

"It's ok," said Lyall softly, hugging the weeping boy. "It's ok."

"W- we never made up," sobbed Sirius. "And it was all my fault."

"Shh," whispered Lyall. "It's ok. It wasn't your fault."

"It was my fault he was mad at me, though."

"It's ok. It's ok." Lyall steered them towards a bench outside of Tomes and Scrolls, guiding Sirius to sit down.

Sirius calmed down a little bit, wiping the tears away. "I'm sorry," he said quietly, not looking up from his lap.

"It's ok," said Lyall reassuringly. "You have nothing to be sorry for."

Sirius looked up after a minute. "Fuck," he said. "How are you doing? I'm so sorry. I never asked. I'm sorry. I-"

"It's ok, Sirius. We're doing as well as one could expect. Obviously, it's unlike anything else. But we have each other, and we'll get through it." He looked over at Sirius. "Promise me you won't do anything stupid," he said firmly. "Grief is a terrible thing. It can tear down even the strongest people. Promise me you won't let it tear you down. For Remus's sake."

"I'm trying," said Sirius. "For him."

Lyall rubbed his shoulder reassuringly. "It'll get better eventually," he said, more to himself than to Sirius.

The two sat in silence for a few minutes, before Lyall stood up. "Let's head back to the pub, shall we?"

Sirius got up, following him back into the familiar warmth of the Three Broomsticks.

"Owl me if you ever need anything," Lyall said, while they were still out of hearing distance from the table. "Ok? I'll always be here."

"Thank you," said Sirius sincerely.

"You good, mate?" asked James under his breath, once Sirius had sat down again.

Sirius nodded. "Just a little walk and talk."

"Ok." James turned to his other side and murmured something to Peter, presumably about what Sirius had told him.

"Well, thank you boys for this," said Mrs. Lupin, reaching into her purse.

James stopped her. "Please," he said. "It's my treat." He fished a handful of galleons out of his pocket to cover the bill.

"Thank you," said Mrs. Lupin softly.

"Of course."

They exchanged hugs and whispered goodbyes, and then all headed outside. Lyall wrapped his arms around his wife's waist, apparating them both away. Sirius shoved his hands into his pockets as they started the walk back up to school.

"You ok?" asked Peter, looking concernedly at Sirius.

Sirius shrugged. "I'll be fine."

James and Peter exchanged a look, clearly unconvinced. But James shrugged. "If you say so. Just let us know, ok?"

"Ok."

When they finally reached their dorm, Sirius sat down on Remus's bed, pulling out his quill and yet another sheet of parchment. He thought for a moment, then began to write furiously.

James and Peter exchanged a glance. Sirius was clearly anything but alright, and they were very worried. They didn't know what to do, though. They just needed to keep an eye on him, make sure he didn't do anything stupid. Because Sirius could be reckless and irrational, especially when dealing with strong negative emotions. And they both knew that neither of them would be able to deal with it, if he did do anything.

A/N:

mothers and fuckers of the jury, i present to you another chapter. because i've been writing a lot since i've been so fucking depressed and this is the only thing giving me life.

literally thank you so fucking much for all of your comments and support in general, you have no idea how much it means to me. ur all amazing and wonderful and sweet and hot and just yes agdhhkfajsdnjfg

take care of yourselves, be gentle with yourselves, drink some water, smile. i love you all so much 3

ktf xolyn