"Tell me your secrets
I won't repeat them
This tug in my chest makes it hard to get rest
And I think that I'm better off dead."

"Tell me you mean it, give me your pieces
This hole in my heart makes it hard to restart
And I think that I'm falling apart."

"God only knows why
It comes and it goes
And gets lost on me
I'm scared that it shows
And I, I'm scared to believe."

"Tell me it's over, at least I'm closer
This weight on my neck makes it hard to connect
And I'm staring at my feet again
I don't think they know it, how bad I'm broken
The colors you see have become lost on me
And I can't find the route of the bleed."

- Chelsea Cutler, "Sometimes"

August, 2015

3rd year, age 15

Riley, Maya, Lucas, and Josh spent all summer in the accelerated program. Maya and Lucas would have been staying at the academy anyways, but Riley and Josh, who had every previous summer gone home to live with their families, stayed too.

It was brutal to be away from her dad and her little brother Auggie, but Riley knew that telling her mom she wanted to go home was the best way to get reprimanded and see that look in her eye that told her just how disappointed in her she was.

Honestly, she didn't see how spending the summer training had done much for them.

Lucas held back every time she and him sparred, and she could tell he was always scanning her for some hint that she was lying. About anything. She had caught him following her on more than one occasion, but whenever she asked him about it, he denied everything.

Maya and Josh were a totally different problem. They avoided each other as much as possible, tried not to say a word to each other, and basically refused to work together. Riley could tell that Maya didn't trust Josh at all, and Josh seemed to dread being around her altogether.

It wasn't only that. Maya hated training together, helping her partner when they did 2v2 combat spars, whoever was her partner. She tried to do everything herself and refused to help anyone, which Riley found exhausting.

Josh, too, tried to do everything himself. It completely undermined the point of training together in a team - learning to work together with a single mind. The fact that their formation had named Josh as the team head only made him more difficult to work with.

No one wanted to work together or trusted anyone else, besides Riley. And even she was having trouble attempting to keep blind faith when nobody would tell her the truth.

The only good thing Riley felt came out of the summer programs were that she didn't have to do academic classes, and could take on more program courses. They took extra combat and weapons classes, even starting gun and rifle training, which were usually started during year five. They worked on staff and knife training, too, and kept up their strength and agility courses, moving up in track, weight lifting, weightless strength training, flexibility, and tumbling. They also began a personality building course, and some medical training.

Riley had finished her year one/year two language courses - Mandarin, Spanish, and Hindustani - and started her year two/year three language courses - Arabic, Malay, and Russian. She used the summer to get ahead in her year three courses, so she wouldn't have to handle so much when she took on her year three/year four courses - Bengali, Portuguese, and French.

Technically, the only required language courses were English, Latin, Russian, and Spanish. Those were the languages that agents most often used on missions, and Latin was a base to have a general understanding of most other languages. However, universal language proficiency was an elective program that her mother had completed, and in an insane attempt to impress her mother, Riley had committed to taking it too. It was a fast paced program, with each course running for two years and taking three to six languages per year, and she wasn't sure how anyone survived it, but she was succeeding with B-averages. It focused on the fifteen most commonly spoken languages: English, Mandarin, Spanish, Hindustani, Arabic, Malay, Russian, Bengali, Portuguese, French, Hausa, Punjabi, German, Japanese, and a choice of either Bulgarian or Italian. Agents who passed the proficiency tests every year along with their other evaluations had a higher clearance level and a much larger choice of missions, since they could understand the language in almost any country.

Maya had entered into the half program, which only taught Mandarin, Spanish, Arabic, Russian, Portuguese, German, French, and a choice of Japanese or Bulgarian. They took only three courses per year, and graduates of that program only had to demonstrate basic understanding of each language - being able to understand the points of the conversation and get your own points across - instead of full proficiency.

Josh (their mother's golden boy) had tested out of a few of the languages already, and was learning some of them on his own time.

So the summer had not been wasted. But Riley wasn't sure that the 'team' - if one could even call it that - had benefited as a whole from training together. If anything, it seemed to just hold them all back.

"Ms. Matthews."

Riley glanced up, her leg bouncing in anxiety as she twisted the papers in her hand - her assignment report for the last year.

"Please follow me," the receptionist requested, and Riley got up to trail behind him as he led her into the conference room, where three adults were sitting behind a bench that looked similar to - and just as imposing as - a court bench. She stood, her hands at her side still clutching her papers, as tall as she could, resisting the urge to fidget her tight skirt and blouse.

"Ms. Matthews," the man on the far right said, "thank you for joining us. Please begin your assignment report whenever you're ready."

Riley swallowed and held up her paper, taking a deep breath to calm her heart beat as she glanced down at her notes. "AIC Riley Matthews, Academy ID number 201954, current assignment report. I was assigned to gain the trust of AIC Lucas Friar, AIC Maya Hart, and AIC Joshua Matthews to help them cooperate into an elite team. In the past year, I have made progress with AIC Maya Hart, and we are able to train together with a basic level of cooperation. In the past year, I have not made significant progress with AIC Joshua Matthews, nor with AIC Lucas Friar." Riley stopped her script before the customary, 'I request authorization for continuation of assignment'.

The three adults waited for her to finish, but when it became clear to them that Riley was not going to say the last bit, they turned to each other to speak quietly for a moment. Riley tried not to focus on the woman in the center, but her approval was all she could think about, and it made her even more nervous with every second they whispered.

"Ms. Matthews," the woman on the left began, "do you believe your progress has been significant enough to justify your placement on this assignment and in this team?"

Riley hesitated, thinking over the question. She had been prepared for any possible questions about her report, but when the woman questioned her competence, she seriously took a double take.

"I believe that I have done the best I can given the components and information I was given," Riley decided. "I do not believe that my placement on this team and assignment was a mistake."

"Are you not requesting continuation on this assignment?" The man on the left questioned.

Riley directed her attention to him. "I'm unsure how much more progress I can make that I have not made in the past year. An incident at the end of the last year, and the formation of the team stalled progress I was working towards with AIC Lucas Friar. The familial connection I have to AIC Joshua Matthews presents a unique challenge to my progress with his trust."

"Ms. Matthews," the woman in the center said, reading what Riley was not saying, "why do you believe you cannot make this team cooperate?"

"Madam Director Matthews," Riley began carefully, "I was placed in a team with three other members who have decided they will never work with anyone else. Putting one loner in a group of four is one thing - putting three loners is nearly impossible to make the team function."

"Ms. Matthews," the man to her mother's right said, "we've evaluated each of the members placed in your team, and we believe it absolutely is possible for this group to succeed. If you would like to challenge the decisions of this administration-"

"Excuse me," Topanga interrupted, studying Riley with a frown. "I'd like to know why you believe this team will never work together."

Riley took a breath. "Maya Hart refuses to work in a team with other students. She doesn't trust and feels like they hold her back. Joshua Matthews sees many others as only a threat, to either his own safety, or to his mission's success, and refuses to acknowledge other points of view. Lucas Friar is not truthful, which makes it nearly impossible to trust him."

Topanga looked down at her file, flipping through the sections on each member as Riley reviewed. "We've acknowledged these flaws and believe that working in a team in a training environment can make them better agents individually. The strengths that each team member possesses can make the entire team thrive, if they learn how to click them together as a puzzle."

"And if they never learn?" Riley questioned. "How can you teach a group to combine their strengths if they refuse to try to work together?"

"That's where you come in, Ms. Matthews," the woman on Topanga's other side said. "We've told you that your strengths can click together and render your weaknesses irrelevant, and it's up to you to guide them to that."

"Madam Assistant Director," Riley asked, beginning to feel as if she was running in circles, "how am I to complete this mission? You ask me to be a guide to this team while you've made Joshua Matthews the team head."

"One of Joshua Matthews's weaknesses, as you pointed out, is his unwillingness to consider other points of view," the man stated. "To even consider him working in a team, we need to put him in a place of authority to start out - there's no way he would have accepted any other student giving him orders. However, sub orders you will be guiding the group, not necessarily in direct actions but in small choices."

Riley felt a headache begin between her eyes. "I feel that these students would work better if split into other groups with more willing participants. If four members are all pulling in opposite directions, the team will break; whereas, if most of the team is pulling in one direction and only one is-"

"Ms. Matthews," the man interrupted, "are you asking to challenge this panel's choice in team placement?"

Riley pursed her lips, her fingers twisting into each other behind her back. "Yes, I suppose I am."

"Then we will discuss it and notify you of our report," he stated. "You are dismissed, Ms. Matthews."

Riley clenched her jaw, turning away to head toward the exit of the room, frustrated that her point had not been made and irritated at the way the panel had even acknowledged her.

Like she was a little girl. Like she didn't know anything.

This simple assignment report had turned into something much larger, and she had no idea where this would go from here.

She could feel her heart speeding up as her frustration built, and she was so focused on trying to calm herself and waiting for the elevator that she didn't notice her mother until she tapped her arm.

"Riley," Topanga said, and Riley turned, her eyes widening.

"Mom," she greeted her hesitantly, wondering if she should still call her 'Madam Director', even after they had left a formal meeting.

The elevator opened, but neither moved to enter it.

"I wanted to let you know that I will be denying your request for replacement," her mother said, and Riley took a controlled breath.

"I respect that decision, Ma'am." She moved to push the button for the elevator again, but Topanga stepped into her way.

"You don't want to know why?" She prodded, and Riley turned her eyes back on her, warily.

"If you are inclined to tell me," she suggested.

Topanga opened her purse. "This is definitely against the agency codes, but I'd like you to look this over." She handed Riley the file that she had been reading over the entire meeting, and Riley took it, hesitantly.

"You're giving me my teammates evaluations?" She asked cautiously.

"This report lists your evaluations and the goals and expectations of this project," Topanga informed her. "If you're going to succeed in this mission, Riley," she glanced around, "I think some insight into what we see in you may be necessary."

Topanga walked away briskly, and was gone before the elevator opened again.

Riley's eyebrows furrowed as she glanced down at the file, and then back up at where her mother had disappeared back into the court. Then she tucked the file under her arm and stepped onto the elevator.

Her mother didn't break rules - especially the rules she herself was supposed to make. Topanga Matthews never did the wrong thing, so whatever was in this file must be crucial for Riley to know.

But she couldn't help but feel it was somehow a trap. The fact that her mother had done something she wasn't supposed to do, for Riley, after she had just denied Riley's request for reassignment, felt like mixed messages coming her way, and it had been too long since Riley had tried to decode her mother's actions.

Unable to wait until she left the building, she opened the file, just to skim the first page.

'Advise Riley Matthews into this team as a way to bond the participants… R. Matthews is trusting and positive and collaborative… may be the succeeding factor in said team…

… J. Matthews requires leadership position to enter team… M. Hart advised to be paired with R. Matthews to give M. Hart a sense of trust in a single person outside of herself…

… This panel believes that L. Friar may be best suited with an honest student to push him to be honest in return… this panel believes that this team may succeed as a unit by pairing R. Matthews with J. Matthews, M. Hart, and L. Friar to use her strengths to strengthen their weaknesses.'

Riley flipped the file shut as she exited the elevator, her mind spinning.

Riley was weak. Riley was the weak one, right? That's what her mother had always told her. But in this file, the file that her mother had been a part in creating, listed Riley as the strongest person on this proposed team.

Suddenly, Riley had a renewed motivation to do her best to make this team work.

A/N: 'AIC' stands for Agent in Training, by the way.

Another long chapter! Hopefully that makes up for the short chapter I posted on Anecdoche (I'm blocked on that fic). This chapter is kind of Riley figuring out how to really push the team together. I had another part that 1000 words but I thought it would be better to put it in its own chapter, so Riley will probably have another chapter next (breaking my general 'no two chapters in the same pov in a row'). That bit is kind of the beginning of Rucas. I'm trying to synthesize the beginning of the Joshaya plotline, so hopefully that will come next. Sorry it's going so slow.

I'm avoiding accounting and business law homework and my 20th birthday is next week (which I'm coming to terms with the idea of my mom not being there for) so I might get something more out in the next few days.

Please review!

Kisses,

C