Beware the Baby Scare, It Makes Fools Of Us All
"A...a...are you...s...sure?" Gintoki stammered, whispering to Tsukuyo.
"Why are ya whisperin'?"
"I don't know!" he exclaimed, throwing up his hands in the air. "So...are you...sure?" he asked again.
"Well...I'm...I'm pretty late..." she said, "I'm never this late."
"You're always saying this magic pill of yours is foolproof," he said.
"It is!"
"Well, obviously not if you've got a bun in the oven...wait...does this mean my sperm is like super sperm?" he trailed off thoughtfully.
"That's not even possible!" she yelled at him.
"Then how else d'you explain it?"
"I don't know. Maybe...maybe I missed a pill or maybe..." Tsukuyo shrugged, "I don't know. I'll...I'll get a test...I need to know...it's driving me crazy..."
"C...c...calm d...d...down...w...w...you can't be p...p...pregnant," he gave a nervous laugh. "Like you said, right...t...that p...pill's never failed anyone in Yoshiwara, right? There's n...no way...no way...super sperm doesn't exist, right? Like you said. Even if it would be cool. Samurai super sperm...no, no, no, no, nooooooo, not possible. C...calm down..."
"Y'the one know needs to calm down," she said, sounding just as frantic as him.
"There's no way...we're not parents, there's no way, right?"
"I don't know!" she exclaimed again, crossing her arms tightly. It was a terrifying thought, the possibility of being pregnant. She could face down an army without fear but this was far worse than anything she'd ever felt before. "I can't be. I...I'm gonna go out...get a test..." she stammered and stormed away.
"Oi," he cried, grabbing her arm and spinning her back around and holding her in his arms. "I'll go with you, there's a store right down the street," he said.
"How long is this thing gonna take?" Gintoki grumbled. He was sitting on the sofa, his legs jumping up and down in his agitation.
"Another minute," she replied.
"Stupid pee stick, tell it to hurry up already!"
She said nothing as she stared at the stick, sitting tense as a coiled spring beside him. Another tense, silent minute later Tsukuyo dropped the test in shock and froze.
"What? What's up? Did the pee stick do something?"
"I...it...it...it..."
"What?!" he demanded but she was incapable of answering. So he picked up the fallen test and stared at it. "Eh? What's this mean? I don't speak pee stick. What's with these two lines? Two for no, right?"
Tsukuyo shook her head silently.
"Huh?" he blinked, looking at her. "W...w...why're you shaking your head like that? What's it mean?!" he yelled.
"I...it...means...yes..." she said, quietly.
"Yes...what?" he said, still in denial.
"I'm...pregnant..." Tsukuyo said, her eyes wide.
"EEEHHHHHHHH?!" Gintoki yelled.
"M...maybe it's wrong. Yeah, it's wrong. Do it again," he said a minute later when he was able to speak.
"I don't have to pee anymore!" she said.
"So go drink a load of water! This is more important than your stupid bladder!"
"I know that!" Tsukuyo sighed and picked up another test from the table then went to the bathroom.
"What?" Gintoki asked quickly when she emerged from the bathroom. "It says 'no' right?" he said.
"No..." she shook her head, "It says 'yes'...again..."
"EEEEEHHHHHHHH?!"
"WHAT'S ALL THE YELLING ABOUT?!" Otose demanded, storming into the room after she slammed the door open.
"Shut it, granny, we're busy!" Gintoki yelled back, "This is an emergency!"
"What emergency? Why are you yelling..." the old woman trailed off when she saw both pregnancy tests on the table. "Oh...that kind of emergency..." she blinked, stunned.
"Yes, that kind of emergency!" he repeated, " really, really, really big emergency!"
"Hmmm," Otose hummed and stared at them. "Well...congratulations, I guess. Lets hope the kid doesn't inherit your hair...or your eyes," she said to Gintoki.
"OI!" he growled.
"Or your personality," Otose added, letting out a puff of smoke from her cigarette.
"Shut it, you old hag!" he pointed at her. "I'd untangle my own genes before I had a kid with naturally wavy hair! Just you wait and see! If anything, the kid's gonna get an addiction to cigarettes if you keep on smoking like that! Quit smoking already! Keep your smoke away from the kid! And anyway, there might not be a kid! Right? It could still be wrong..." he trailed off, glancing at the silent Tsukuyo. "Why're you so quiet?" he asked her.
"Guess...if there is...I'm gonna 'ave to quit smokin' too, ain't I?" Tsukuyo mumbled.
"Oi...wait...you're saying...there is a kid?!"
"Well...the test says so!"
Gintoki sighed, then flopped onto the sofa and stared up at the ceiling. "I can't be a parent. There's no way I'm ready to be a parent...there's no way I'd even make a good parent..." he mumbled.
"What makes ya think I would either?!" Tsukuyo retorted.
"You should've thought about that sooner," Otose remarked.
"Shut it! Why are you still here! Go away!" he ordered her.
Otose shrugged and turned to leave. "At least you've got nine months to make yourselves ready," she said, smugly just before she left.
"That's not enough time, you hag!" he yelled after her.
"Enough time for what?" Shinpachi asked. He and Kagura came into the porch just after Otose left, both of them carrying a bag of groceries.
"Gin-chan, did you break the clock again?" Kagura asked, closing the front door.
"Never you mind," Gintoki grumbled.
"What's wrong?" the young samurai said, noticing their conflicted expressions as he and Kagura came into the living room. "What happened? Did something bad happen?" he asked.
"Something happened, alright," Gintoki said and Tsukuyo snorted.
"We won the lottery?" Kagura asked, hopefully.
"We're gonna need to soon," he replied, dryly.
"Why?" Shinpachi asked.
"What's this?" Kagura asked, picking up one of the pregnancy tests.
"Oi, that's a pee stick, put it down!" Gintoki rolled his eyes at her.
"Huh? It pees?" Kagura exclaimed and dropped it.
"EEEHHHHHH?!" Shinpachi blushed, "T...t...that...y...you mean...Tsukuyo-san is...p...pregnant?"
"Eh? Tsukki's gonna have a baby?" Kagura exclaimed, grinning.
"...Err...maybe..." Tsukuyo muttered.
"When the doctors' appointment?"
"Ya keep askin' me that, and I keep tellin' ya, it's not for another four hours!" Tsukuyo snapped at Gintoki.
"That's four hours too many!"
"Well, we're lucky I could get an appointment today at all!" she'd not long since called the doctors and already he'd asked her half a dozen times.
"Gin-chan! What about that for the baby!" Kagura exclaimed, pointing frantically at the tv screen. She had a shopping channel, playing quietly and it was proudly displaying clothes for newborn babies with adorable animals printed on them. "It's cute, uh-huh!" she declared. "It says babies need a hundred different outfits 'cause they're just gonna poop all over their clothes!"
"Idiot! That's just to get you to buy a hundred things!" he snapped.
"What about that?" she asked, pointing to the tv again.
"What the hell is that thing?!" Gintoki exclaimed. "A torture device?"
"Please turn it off," Tsukuyo muttered, she was hiding her head in her hands.
"But look at it! What the hell..."
"It's a breast pump," she answered. "One of the women in Yoshiwara had one last year when she had a baby..."
"A what for your what?" he asked, sounding horrified.
"Where would a baby even sleep 'ere?" Tsukuyo pondered.
"Err..." he scrubbed a hand through his hair, "It can have the cupboard, I guess."
"Ya can't make a baby sleep in the cupboard!"
"Kagura slept in the cupboard!"
"I'd still rather be sleeping in there! I like the cupboard! It's my room!" Kagura yelled.
"You're too big to sleep in the damn cupboard, you ungrateful brat! I had the second floor built with your own room and this is the thanks I get?!"
A few months ago as Kagura had so obviously outgrown the cupboard, Gintoki had called in a favour from Tsukuyo's friend Hotaru. Her husband was Edo's number one carpenter and he'd built a second floor to Gintoki's house for free. There was a room for Kagura and one for Shinpachi as well as a bathroom for them to share. It gave them their own space and gave Gintoki and Tsukuyo theirs and neither Kagura nor Shinpachi had wanted to move out.
"It's my cupboard!"
"Well, now it's juniors' cupboard!" Gintoki's retorted.
"The baby ain't gonna sleep in the cupboard!" Tsukuyo said.
"If there really is a baby and I 'ave t'give up smokin', ya gonna 'ave t'give up drinkin'," Tsukuyo said to Gintoki.
"Eh? Why?"
"It ain't fair if I'm the only one givin' somethin' up! Besides, we're gonna need the money!"
"Hahhahahahah," Kagura chortled at his indignant expression.
"Gintoki!" Katsura exclaimed, happily as he let himself into the building. "Rejoice! I found the perfect baby gift!" he declared.
"What the hell are you doing here?" Gintoki exclaimed. "And what'd you mean a baby gift? How'd you even know about that?" he demanded. They hadn't left the house all morning or told anyone.
"Word travels fast," Katsura answered. "More importantly, look what I found!" he said. He proudly held up a carrier bag and took out a small set of infants' clothes from it. On the front it said, 'Joi is Joy' in bold blue lettering.
"JOOOIIIIIII!" Gintoki yelled and kicked his friend in the face, sending him flying through the porch and straight through the front door where he landed on the balcony. "WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU TRYING TO DO? WHY ARE YOU TRYING TO RECRUIT MY KID BEFORE IT'S EVEN BORN?! IDIOT!" he yelled.
"Oi, what was that for?! It took me hours to find the right present..." Katsura grumbled as he stood and dusted off his clothes.
"How is that the right present?!"
"You were one of the best, if not the best patriot fighter in the war. Your child would be an asset to the Jouishishi cause. I thought an appropriate present would..."
"The kids' not even born yet! There might not even be a kid! We can't see a doctor till later! And what the hell do you mean 'an asset'?! You're try'na recruit the kid...if there is a kid...aren't you? Seriously?! You're unbelievable!"
"Idiots! If anything, the kid will be leading the Hyakka, not the Jouishishi," Tsukuyo declared, crossing her arms.
"Oi...what are you try'na get our kid to do? I thought Seita was gonna be in charge of the Hyakka when he's old enough," Gitnoki asked, his eye twitching.
"Of course he will," she shrugged, "It'll be joint leadership with the kid. With both of them they'll be unstoppable."
"Unstoppable against what? Just what kinda trouble are you gonna get this kid into?"
"With us as parents, it'll get into enough trouble anyway," she said.
"...That's probably true..." he sighed. "I've got it," he said suddenly and snapped his fingers as though he'd just had an epiphany. "We'll wrap the kid in bubble wrap and move to a deserted island where he can't get into any trouble or get hurt or anything!"
"Who says it's a boy?" Tsukuyo snapped.
"It's a girl. Definitely a girl!" Kagura exclaimed.
"How do you know?!" Gintoki asked, incredulously.
"'Cause girls' are cuter," she shrugged.
"IT DOESN'T WORK LIKE THAT!"
"Let's get one thing straight," Gintoki said, standing in front of Sadaharu who was dozing under a blanket in the corner of the living room. "No biting the baby's head. You got that?" he asked.
Sadaharu just yawned at him and snuggled under his large blanket.
"Don't just yawn! This is important! No biting the baby's head! I'm serious!" he reiterated.
"Gin-chan, Sadaharu would never hurt a baby, nu-huh!" Kagura exclaimed.
"He bites my head all the time! What if the baby has the same colour hair as me and he bites the baby by mistake!'
"Sadaharu likes biting your head, Gin-chan, 'cause he likes you, he's not gonna cheat on you with a baby," she replied.
"WHAT THE HECK DOES THAT EVEN MEAN?!"
"Arrrppp," Sadaharu barked happily.
"Does that mean no biting the baby's head?" Gintoki asked.
"Arrrpppp."
"Argh what's that mean?!"
As an answer, Sadaharu jumped up and latched his teeth into the top of Gintoki's head, making blood rush down his face.
"...Great..." the samurai sighed, surprisingly calmly despite his situation. "Glad we had this talk..." he said.
"Arrrrppp," Sadaharu repeated, still biting onto Gintoki's head.
"Hiccccc..." Tsukuyo let out a quiet hiccup, probably after she'd just drank the cup of tea that Shinpachi had given her far too quickly. Unfortunately, it made Gintoki snap to attention and he leapt up off the sofa in a panic.
"Oi! What was that?! Are you gonna be sick? Is this morning sickness?!" he exclaimed, "Are you gonna barf up the kid?!"
"It was just a hiccup," she sighed, "And it's the middle of the afternoon, idiot. I ain't gonna be sick."
"Kagura, go get the bucket!" he pointed at the red head who saluted and ran off.
"I got the puke bucket!" Kagura declared, running back into the room. She dropped the bucket onto Tsukuyo's lap and stood right in front of the blonde with her arms out in front as if waiting to catch something.
"What're ya doin'?" Tsukuyo asked, stunned.
"I'm gonna catch the baby if you puke it up, uh-huh!" she answered.
"I...that's not how it works, Kagura-chan," Shinpachi blushed.
"What if Tsukki pukes so bad the baby just comes out, it might happen!" Kagura insisted. "What if that happens and the baby hits its head on the floor?! I can't let that happen to my precious, cute little sister!"
"That's right! That's how a good older sibling should act," Gintoki nodded, sagely, "Patsuan, take notes."
"Babies aren't born like that! Tsukuyo-san isn't going to...be sick like that and have a baby! Don't you two know how babies are born!" Shinpachi yelled at them, blushing bright red.
"It's the thought that counts," Gintoki said.
"It's for the baby," Otae declared, holding a very small, pink naginata.
"...A deadly weapon?" Gintoki said, his eye twitching.
"A training weapon," she insisted.
"It's sharp!" he yelled.
"A proper training weapon," she smiled, angelically.
"How did you even know about this?! Where did you even get a naginata that small?! Why the hell would you think that's a good thing to give a baby?!" Gintoki exclaimed.
"It's nice and light," Tsukuyo nodded, impressed as she took the weapon and held it in her hands. "A kid could use this easy," she said.
"That's not the point!" he explained.
"Anuie...I don't think a baby should be using a sharp weapon..." Shinpachi said, tentatively.
"The younger you start learning these things, the better," she told him.
"Even so..." he sighed.
"And why the hell is it pink?!" Gintoki yelled.
"Because the badly will be a girl who likes pink," Otae said as though it was obvious.
"Why do you all think it'll be a girl? What if it's a boy who doesn't like pink?! What if it's a girl who likes green?!"
"Ya have a strawberry pink apron," Tsukuyo remarked, "Seems right t'me."
"Stupid...so stupid," he threw up his arms, exasperated.
"A baby...huh..." Sarutobi drawled from where she was currently hanging from the ceiling. She dropped gracefully to the floor and landed right beside Tsukuyo and glared at her. "Fine, I admit it, you've won," she said.
"Eh?" Tsukuyo blinked.
"How the hell do you keep getting in here?" Gintoki demanded. "And how the heck do you know about the...oh, actually, I give up...I think it's just a running gag now...whatever..."
"I admit defeat," Sa-chan told Tsukuyo.
"...Defeat for...what..."
"If you're having Gin-san's baby, then he's obviously not going to be swayed by me...even if it would be night after night after night of erotic S&M..."
"SHUT UUUPPPPP!" Gintoki yelled.
"Gin-san is too good of a person to leave a pregnant woman...I just wanted to say, Gin-san, if you get bored or tired or the pressures of having a baby, I'll always be here...anytime...if you need me...or if you need to tie me up to vent your frustration, then..." she said, suggestively.
"SHUT UPPPPPP!" he repeated.
"Let me guess..." Gintoki sighed as he opened the door to see Hinowa and Seita there. "You brought presents for the baby, didn't you?" he drawled.
"Of course," Hinowa gave him her best smile and he grumbled under his breath as he turned and walked back into the house, letting them follow him inside.
"Just tell me you didn't bring it any weapons," he asked as he flopped down onto the sofa beside Tsukuyo.
"Why would I bring weapons?" Hinowa asked as Seita pushed her wheelchair into the living room. She had a neatly wrapped package on her lap and she held it out for Tsukuyo who took it and opened it.
Inside was both an elaborate child's size kimono of red and gold, rich and beautiful enough for a courtesan, and a beautiful hakama and haori set. "...They're...really nice..." Tsukuyo admitted.
"Since I didn't know if it would be a boy or a girl I got both," Hinowa beamed, "Children grow fast so it won't be long before it can fit in those."
"I can't wait to be a big brother!" Seita grinned. "I'll show the baby all around all the nice places in the city and in Yoshiwara!"
"OOIIIIIII!" Gitnoki exclaimed, "You can't take a baby to Yoshiwara!"
"Why not?" Seita asked.
"Because it's a baby! Not a horny old man!"
"I'm so happy for you both. And I can't wait to be an aunty," Hinowa mused.
"Erm..." Tsukuyo blinked. She wasn't quite sure when she went from abject horror at the thought of being pregnant to actually wondering what their child might be like and she didn't have the heart to tell Hinowa that they hadn't actually seen a doctor yet to confirm that she actually was pregnant.
Until an hour or so later.
Gintoki and Tsukuyo emerged from the small office of the doctor they'd visited with stunned expressions. Shinpachi and Kagura were waiting for them and they were just as shocked at the news once they heard it.
Together, they all trudged back home and then stumbled into Otose's bar.
"Oi, granny, gimme a drink!" Gintoki said as they entered.
They all sat at the bar on the stools as the old woman brought them a selection of drinks. Sake for Gintoki and Shinpachi, strawberry milk for Tsukuyo and her favourite energy drink for Kagura.
"What's with all the long faces?" Otose asked them. "Have you just figured out how much it costs to raise a kid these days? You should probably give up drinking, you won't have the money..."
"I...ain't pregnant," Tsukuyo interrupted her.
"What? I thought you said..."
"That test...was wrong. Just went to the doctor...they said I'm not."
"Tsukki isn't gonna have a baby, nu-huh...I really wanted a baby sister," Kagura grumbled, "I'd have let her have my cupboard...honest..."
"Doctor said she's probably 'late' because of 'stress," Gintoki grumbled, "Doesn't sound like that kind of advice is worth seven years of medical school."
"I 'ave been kinda stressed...there's a new drug gang moving in on Yoshiwara, been kinda busy..." Tsukuyo mused, pensively.
"You've chased away drug gangs and been stressed before and this hasn't ever happened before! That's the last time go to that c***** supermarket," Gintoki grumbled, pouting himself another drink. "I'll sue 'em, I swear. Those b******! They made us think there was a bun in the oven and there's no bun!" he hissed, brandishing his fist at the ceiling.
"I ain't an oven," Tsukuyo nudged his shoulder.
"You're right, you're an empty oven," he corrected and she then shoved him off his stool. "Oi!" he yelled from the floor. He swayed a little when he pushed himself up and then collapsed onto the stool again.
"It's weird," she remarked, "I was just startin' to think...maybe it wouldn't be so bad, y'know. But, maybe...it's prob'ly for the best," she added after a moment. "Not like either of us knows anything 'bout bein' a parent, anyway," she said.
"No one does until they have to," Otose replied.
"I hate kids," Gintoki said.
"Like hell you do," the old woman snorted at him.
"What're you babbling on about now?" he grumbled.
"You don't hate kids, you idiot," she rolled her eyes. "You took in two of them and you didn't have to. You wouldn't have done that if you hated kids," she said, looking at Shinpachi and Kagura.
"Arrrghhh," Gintoki sighed and scrubbed his hand through his hair. "Get off my case already, granny," he muttered.
"Look," Otose began with a deep breath. "If you ever repeat this, I'll not only evict you, I'll murder you...in the most horrible way possible, got that?" she glared at Gintoki.
"Wha're you goin on about, you old hag?" he drawled, swallowing the contents of his same cup in one and pouring another drink.
"You wouldn't make a bad parent," she said after a moment, staring at him. "Or you," she added to Tsukuyo.
Gintoki scoffed in disbelief at her, loudly. "What're you smoking? Have you seen me? I'd be a c***** father. What do I know about being a dad? I never had one, I don't know what they're supposed to," he said.
"Kagura and Shinpachi haven't turned out so bad," the old woman said.
"That's right, Gin-chan, you're my Earth papi!" Kagura declared.
"Ya had a dad...wasn't your sensei practically ya dad?" Tsukuyo asked him.
"Yeah and look how that turned out," he shook his head, "No, no kid deserves me as their parent. And besides, you're both old enough not to need a...whatever the hell I am anymore..." he mumbled to Shinpachi and Kagura.
"Girls always need their Earth papi! And so so do stupid samurai kids who wear glasses!" Kagura said.
"Oiiiiii!" Shinpachi exclaimed.
"And they're not going anywhere anytime soon," Otose remarked, "Not now you had that second floor built."
"It was all free. I exploited the guy who built it for me," he grumbled, "I was just messing with him. I made him change it a bunch of times, it was just a joke."
"Uh-huh," Otose rolled her eyes. "Honestly, I'm surprised you haven't had this scare a long time ago. You've been going at it like rabbits for three years now," she scoffed and exhaled a puff of smoke.
"I know, right," Gintoki grinned when she said 'rabbits'. "Two really, really horny rabbits, Nah, honey?" he chuckled.
"It's not my fault ya heads always in the gutter, darlin'," she retorted.
"You're just as bad as me and you know it," he grinned at her and kissed her cheek. She didn't deny it.
"Happened to me once," Otose told them after a moment, watching them with an indulgent smile.
"What did?" Tsukuyo asked her.
"Right after my husband left for the war," she said, "I thought I was pregnant. Turns out I wasn't. And then he died. Looking back, I'm still not sure if it was for the best that I wasn't or if it would've been better if I had been pregnant. I'd have had to raise a kid alone but at least I'd have had some part of him still alive with me. I like kids...so did he. We probably would've had a bunch. Saying that, he had a risky job and he probably wouldn't have wanted to risk leaving me with a litter of kids to raise. Who knows what might've happened? So all I have left is this place," she trailed and then spoke again in a much more optimistic tone a moment later. "Well, you're both still young," she said, "If you wanted kids, you've got plenty of time. And if you didn't...then don't have any. But if you did...I wouldn't mind babysitting for you," she shrugged and walked off to serve another customer.
"Bet she'd charge us," Gintoki muttered and Tsukuyo snorted.
"I heard that!" Otose turned to glare at him.
"Gin-chan, I still want a baby sister," Kagura declared.
"Shut it," he sighed, pouring another drink.