Junior Year, Maya's Coming Out

For weeks all Maya had been able to think about was a trip to the store that she had taken with her dad in elementary school. It should have been just like any other store run, but there was something they'd seen in the parking lot, and the way Maya's dad had reacted had stuck with her all of these years. It made the task of coming out to him that much harder. Mason already knew; he'd known for months. He'd even hung out with her, Carina, and Andrew on multiple occasions. Maya's mom had guessed shortly after the first time she'd witnessed Carina and Maya around each other. Maya's dad was clueless. Albeit selectively or not, she still had to keep up appearances by officially telling him or it would just be something they ignored. But every time Maya even thought about telling him, she got stuck on this memory from the store. She'd been about eight at the time, and they were grabbing something that her mom needed for dinner on the way home from the track. On their way into the store they'd passed by two women unloading their cart into the back of a minivan. Once they were finished, they'd kissed before going to their selective sides of the car. Maya had seen the look of pure disgust on her dad's face when he'd seen the kiss, and if that hadn't been enough, he'd continued to mumble about how they shouldn't be "forcing their unnatural lifestyle on everyone" the whole time that they were in the store and on the way home.

"What are you thinking about, bella?" Carina's words pulled Maya out of the memory. They were on the way to get some brunch because Maya's dad had insisted on an early morning practice, and she hadn't had time to eat. Maya really enjoyed when Carina would come watch her practices, partially because it made her dad less harsh since someone on Maya's side was there, but also because they usually went out to eat afterwards. Before Carina, Maya's dad had taken her to the same salad bar every afternoon. With Carina, they tried a new type of cuisine every day. In fact, they were almost through everything that Seattle had to offer. Plus, Maya loved having the time with her girlfriend; she always loved spending time with Carina no matter what they were doing.

"Just something with my dad."

"You do not have to, but I am here if you want to talk about it," Carina said, "Or we could just go get some deliziosa food and try to get it out of your testa."

"I think I would like to do the second one right now, but if I change my mind at any point I'll definitely tell you."

"Okay, bambina."

"Where are we going today?"

"It is a surprise."

"A surprise?" Maya whined. She had a tendency to want to know everything, and Carina liked to surprise her. It drove her insane sometimes, but she also loved it.

"Oh, Maya. You really must learn how to be paziente," Carina replied, touching her hand to Maya's arm endearingly. Maya felt warm. She would never admit it, but she felt warm pretty much everytime Carina touched her. Carina was big on physical affection, and Maya had learned that she was too. Her parents had never been the physical affection type, and it wasn't until Maya had started dating Carina that she'd even realized that she'd been craving it her whole life.

"I can be patient, I just don't want to be," Maya said, smirking. Carina rolled her eyes, chuckling.

"Maya, the not wanting to is the impazienza."

"Come on, you love it."

"I do," Carina paused, "But not always. It's only cute so many times, bella." Maya smiled. When they were first falling in love, Maya would have gone into panic just at the possibility of Carina not loving something about her. Now she was confident enough in herself that she truly believed in Carina's love for her. This was why she knew that she was ready to tell her dad. She no longer had an opinion about herself that was going to make her susceptible to his influence if he insisted that this was just a phase, or that she break it off with Carina.

"I'm working on it," Maya said, "I appreciate you being patient with me." Carina smiled, finding Maya's hand with her own.

"I see what you did there."

"Yes, but I'm also serious, Carina. I know I'm not always the easiest person to be the girlfriend of, and I'm working on that, and I love you."

"Maya, I love you too. I know I'm not always easy either. When two people are as intima as we are there are bound to be moments when one or the other of us is being difficile. What matters is that we are both self-aware, and aware of each other." She stopped to look at Maya briefly, before turning back to the road. Maya sat with what Carina had said for a while. She knew that Carina hadn't meant to reference her failure to open up earlier, but it was all Maya could think about, and she supposed that was because she, herself, didn't feel at peace with her decision not to bring it up with Carina yet.

"Earlier when I was thinking about my dad, I was thinking about this thing that happened when I was younger. Something that I think has always stuck with me, because that was when I realized deep down that there was always going to be this part of me that my dad wasn't going to accept," Maya recalled, "We were at the store and we were going in, and we passed by this lesbian couple unloading their cart. When they were done, they briefly kissed before getting into their car. It was barely even a kiss. It was kind of like how we kiss each other in between classes, or before we get in the car after going out to eat: just an instinct to feel connected to each other. Anyway, my dad was noticeably uncomfortable about it. I would have thought it was just about the PDA, but he and my mom used to kiss a lot more than that in public. Plus he continued to talk about their 'agenda' the whole time we were in the store." Maya paused. She wasn't sure if she wanted to mention why she'd been thinking about this yet. She didn't want to get Carina's hopes up unless things went badly with her dad. Or maybe she didn't want to get her own hopes up. Whatever the reason, she wasn't ready. Carina squeezed Maya's hand, as if to assure her that she was there and wasn't going anywhere.

"This is likely going to seem as if I am just saying the cliche thing that I think is going to make you feel better, but I truly believe that it might be different with his own daughter. I think when it is your own bambina, who is part of you, who you are part of, it can put things into perspective." Maya sighed, nodding. She knew this was a possibility; it just didn't seem like her father. Especially since his disbelief that art could be anything other than a hobby hadn't changed just because Mason wanted to go to an arts high school. It was a little different, because that was a decision that Mason was making, whereas Maya's sexuality was not her choice. However, that didn't really apply in this situation, because Lane believed that sexuality was a choice as well. If you even tried to bring up that sexuality was a spectrum, he would just burst out laughing. Maya had tried on multiple occasions separate from exposing her own identity.

"I would like to think that, but the man just drove across the coast to ensure that his son didn't end up at an arts school."

"Very true."

"Things between my dad and me are already so delicate. His opinion on me changes pretty much every day depending on how good I was at practice. I just don't want to add anything else."

"I get that, bella. You do not have to. It is totally up to you, and until you feel comfortable telling him, you should not let anyone else influence that decision. I know that you are not embarrassed of me. Everyone else in your life knows, I do not need you to threaten your relationship with your padre."

"I know, Carina, and I appreciate that so much more than you know."

Maya leaned across to kiss her on the cheek, before falling back into her head for the rest of the drive to the restaurant.

Maya placed her hand on her own knee, attempting to stop the anxiety induced bouncing. Her dad was going to be home from work any minute, and she'd made the decision that she was going to tell him when he got home, that morning. After her talk with Carina the day before she'd realized that her urge to tell him really wasn't coming from anywhere other than her wanting him to know. Also that the worries that she had were always going to be there. If she didn't tell him now, when she was open to it, she might never tell him. She definitely didn't want to go her whole life with her dad not knowing, or refusing to know, a huge part of her identity, even if that meant possibly risking their relationship altogether. The door opened, and Maya froze. She hadn't felt like this since she'd had to miss practice for a makeup test that she'd only missed in the first place because of the panic attack she'd been having in the bathroom instead. Her dad was not a big believer of mental health issues being a valid thing.

"Oh, Maya, I didn't realize you were going to be home this evening. Does this mean you've finally realized that extra conditioning with me is more important than frolicking around with that friend of yours?"

"No. There's actually something I need to talk to you about," Maya said.

"Okay, well, I'm just going to go finish something up in my office, and then we can talk," Lane replied.

"Dad, I need to talk to you about something now." Maya knew that if she didn't do this now, she would talk herself out of it for all of the wrong reasons.

"Did something happen? You didn't injure yourself did you?"

"No, don't worry, I didn't ruin all of your big plans for me. I just thought you might want to know that Carina's not just my friend, she's my girlfriend." Lane sighed, the same uncomfortable look that had crossed his face so many years before making its appearance.

"Is she putting these ideas in your head? I told your mother that she was a bad influence on you."

"This isn't about Carina, Dad! I mean it is, but that's not all it's about. I'm bisexual. I like guys and I like girls, and that was true before I even met Carina."

"No, Maya, that's a choice you're making. A choice that's going to make your life way harder than it needs to be."

"Do you really think I would choose to make you this disappointed?" Maya asked, truly curious about what her dad's answer was going to be.

"Well you seem to love to do it on the track, so why not do it at home too." Maya bit her lip to hold back the tears that were threatening to emerge. She couldn't cry in front of him, not right now. She couldn't let him know that he affected her in that way.

"Nice one, Dad." Maya grabbed her backpack from where she'd left it on the couch in case this exact thing happened, and pushed passed him on the way to the door.

"And where are you going?"

"I'm choosing to not be here anymore." With that she was out the door, slamming it behind her.

Maya looked at Carina's house. She'd been staring at it for five minutes trying to force herself to knock. She knew as soon as she saw Carina the floodgates were going to open, and she didn't want that, but at the same time she needed to see her, to feel her. Plus she'd just walked across town to get there, and was in need of some water. Knowing her girlfriend, Carina had probably seen her and was inside waiting with a glass of water for her when she was ready. Somehow picturing this made it easier for Maya. She took a deep breath, and knocked softly. Just as she'd expected the door flew open almost immediately. There was Carina, her eyes full of love, a glass in her hand.

"I did it." Carina placed the water onto the table next to the door.

"Did what, Maya?"

"I came out to my dad."

"And?"

"He told me I was a disappointment." Before Maya could even finish talking Carina had her in a bear hug, and there were tears streaming down her face.

"Oh, bambina. I am so sorry." They stood on the doorstep for a while. Carina whispered to Maya in Italian as she held her, something that always made Maya feel safe. She had one hand around Maya's waist, the other in her hair. Maya felt like she might never stop sobbing. Not only because of the way that her dad had reacted, but also because it was over. He knew. For sure, he knew.

It was an hour or so later, and they were on Carina's bed. Carina was propped up against her headboard, and Maya was wrapped around her. Not much had been said. Carina didn't really know what to say, and Maya was just happy to be with her. Just being with Carina made her feel ten times better.

"Hey, bella," Carina kissed the top of Maya's head, "would you like something to eat? We can order in or I could make you something. I am sure Andrea is hungry as well, so I promise you I would not be going out of my way." If there was something that Carina had learned over the past year with Maya, it was that Maya had a tendency to slip back into her insecurities when she was upset. Providing Maya with an alternative reason for what she was doing, other than just Maya, would ease her guilt just a little. Maya shook her head.

"I'm not that hungry right now," she mumbled, then seeing Carina's concern, added, "But when I get hungry I promise I'll tell you."

"Okay. Is there anything else you need?"

"I-um…never mind."

"Il mio amore, what is it?" Maya felt tears well up again, and she groaned in frustration. She didn't want to cry again. She just wanted to be able to ask her girlfriend for something without it feeling like the end of the world. She'd forgotten how awful it felt to always feel like she was burdening everyone. Carina didn't push though; she just pulled Maya a little closer, and pressed another kiss into her hair.

"Could you read to me in Italian?" Maya whispered, immediately burying her face in Carina's shirt. Carina smiled, and lifted Maya's head so she could look her in the eye.

"Maya, I would love to read to you in Italiana."

"Thank you." Carina nodded, and then pulled Maya in for a kiss. Maya sighed contently against Carina's lips. She couldn't quite believe she'd gotten this lucky. How had she gotten this lucky? If this luck ever ran out, if her karma changed, Maya didn't know what she would do. She tried to push that thought out of her mind. Something about the thought of losing Carina was even worse than her dad outright telling her she was a disappointment. Also, if there was anything she'd learned in the past year, it was that she had to live in the moment, or she would miss it altogether.