An: I need to say again: In this fanfiction is spoken about sensible topics like, suicide, depression, panic attacks... In general mental health struggles.

Thank you for still reading this story, it really means alot!

Someone commented that they want to see more in Harveys perspective, so I tried...

Let me know if this is better!

CHAPTER 7

Harvey pulled his phone out of his pocket, even though he already suspected it was way to early to go back to Mike and Rachel's house, it still made him frustrated as hr saw the time.

5:32 amMike and Rachel don't get up that early, so going there, ringing them up wasn't a option. He cursed himself again for excidently breaking Donna's cup, following him being a smug ass. But he knew he didn't do anything really wrong, he still didn't get why she threw him out of her apartment.

If it were the cocky comments, her emberassment or the fact that he was getting on her nerve with his presence... Eitherways, he decided not to question it anymore.

More concerning was the fact that she now knew. She knew and it was relieving, it was a good feeling and somehow it all felt a little lighter. Sharing this with her.

However, he had no idea where they stood now, what they even were. Most importantly, what she wanted, because everything she did just made him more confused.

She kissed him.

She told him she didn't feel anything.

She told him she didn't want more.

She danced with him.

She vanished and broke every contact.

She told him she was sorry.

She told him she misses him.

She told him she wants to be near him.

She told him that she loves him.

She loves him.

But how does she love him? Ironically, he now stood Infront of that very question himself. Years ago she asked him exact that question, back then he didn't understand it. Harvey wasn't able to put word's to it. Back then, he didn't even realize what love was, he thought it was a concept.

Over the years he learned it wasn't a concept, it wasn't something he could put in words and it had many layers. What he did now know was that love was how he could describe all his feelings towards her, how he could make sense of all he did and will do. She was his love.

He also knew that love was the strongest feeling he ever witnessed, that it wasn't going away and that it wasn't a issue you can fix. Or something you need to figure out, find a solution and it all is suddenly clear.

Love was something that he couldn't describe, especially not his love for her, not that he was able to doubt his love, not anymore.

Havrey didn't just love her, it was not in onrw specific way. It felt like a river with one big path full of love, but there where so many tributaries. And they grew.

When he got to Seattle he told himself he would take whatever she wants, accapt any way she would decide she wants to be near him. Because loosing her again wasn't a option, not now or ever.

But Donna confused him incredibly and he wanted to ask her how she felt, what she wanted, desperately. Still he didn't feel like he had the right to do that and he didn't want to make anything difficult for her. Also, Mike told him she was 'great', so he wasn't going to destroy Donna's life which she had fought for so hard.

While he was walking, searching for some open place he could waste the left time, he saw something like a club. Or a bar? To his luck, it was opened and even though his ideal morning idea wasn't sitting in a bar, he decided it would do.

As he walked into the bar, he saw only one man, who was probably sleeping, half-sitting on a chair drooling. The only other person was a bartender who was currently cleaning the glasses, she looked up when he stepped in.

He didn't visit a club since before his attempted suicide.

It was another day like any other, since he was pushed into a sabbatical his live felt like he was stuck in a time-loop. No way out and no idea how he got there.

The only thing he really did was spending his time in bars, drinking and drooling in his self pitty. Sometimes Louis accompanied him, he then was just stting there trying to motivate him. Or trying to talk him out of drinking another glass. Sometimes it worked, sometimes it didn't.

When it didn't work Louis was dragging Harvey back to his condo after he wasn't able to walk, giving him advil and hoping the next day would be a better one.

This day Louis was with him, to his fortune Harvey wasn't as drunk as on other days. He seemed just empty.

Louis was worried about his friend alot, after many attempts to help him he found no way that actually helped. He was scared of what could happend on the next bad days, but his hands were tied. Even though he tried to keep his company, he himself was constantly between his expecting wife and trying to hold the company's stats.

"Harvey come on, let's go home..." Louis tried to drag his friend out of his current place.

"I don't want to" He complained.

"It's late"

"But it's empty, everything there is just empty..." Harvey said looking with his bloodshot eyes into his friend's.

"You have to sleep, if you wanna' talk to somebody you can talk to me-"

"What's there to talk about?" He said while clenching his jaw.

"Your feelings"

"I don't have feelings"

"Not true, I think you know that"

"It doesn't matter"

"What if it does to me?" Louis tried to make his friend understand.

"Then you are dumb."

With that Louis didn't have any clue what to say, what he could do to make his friend and that he was important.

"Come home with me, you can sleep in Sheila and my guest bedroom, I make you some normal food? And you can pet the cat, believe me it helps!"

"I am not child, you don't need to mother me" Harvey spit out upset.

"I know that, now just come with me okay?"

"Why are you even here?" he grooned.

"Because I am your friend, despise what you may think."

"Is it open or?" Harvey asked with uncertainty.

"Not really" She told him with a small smile.

"Oh okay sorry, I'll just go"

"No just stay, it doesn't really matter..."

"Really?"

"Really" She asured him.

"Thank you" He said grateful, while sitting down on the bar counter.

"Do you want to drink something?"

"I don't really drink anymore" He told her.

"Then what are you doing by a bar?" She asked.

"Waiting I guess," after a while he decidede though "But I think one drink isn't a bad idea."

"What can I give you?"

"Do you have a Macalla 18?" He asked.

He wasn't sure if there was a diffrence between what people in Seattle drink and what people in New York drink, but he hoped this women would have his favourite Scotch Whisky.

"I do" She said while taking the bottle out of the cabinet.

And while she gave him the glass she said, "You know it's actually funny, in all the years I have been working here you are only the second person asking me for a Macalla 18."

"Well I guess people from Seattle don't have good taste after all." He joked.

"The other fan of that scotch is not even from here." She said thoughtful.

"That person sounds very nice"

"She is, imagen you just found your Soulmate" The women joked.

"If such a thing exists, I think I already found mine" He said quirking a smile at her.

"Then why are you in a bar at this time and not with your lucky lady?"

"She threw me out" he admitted.

"That explains the clothes" she chuckled.

"Yeah" He chuckled too.

"Well, if she is the one it's gonna work itself out"

"I don't know about that" Harvey said sad.

"Well I dont know your situation. But that very customer I told you about, a very smart women said to me once: 'Things will turn out the way they are supposed to, you just need to have a little faith.'" The Bartender said, trying to lift the mood of the man infornt of her.

But to her vex, the man's face paled as she said that.

"Is there any possibility that women is a redhead?" Harvey asked.

"Yes actually, why?"

"I think I kind of know her..." Harvey admitted.

He tried to put the pieces together, so apparently Donna was coming here drinking Macalla 18? This sounded so undonna, or maybe it was just a crazy coincidence?

"Wait, what's your name?" The women asked.

"Harvey"

"Specter?"

"Yeah, how did you know?"

"Well-"

"Wait a minute... So you know Donna?" Harvey asked now.

"Yeah- We are friends"

"So she talked about me?" Harvey said with a huge smirk.

"I didn't say that."

"So how do you know me?" Harvey asked with the widdest grin the women has ever seen.

"I think I said enough..." The women said suddenly very cold.

"Was it bad stuff? Or good stuff?"

"I am not gonna' tell you, especially since you just spent the night out with some women!" The bartender said.

Harvey realised Donna probably didn't talk good things about him, because the women who seemed actually very nice, now seemed like she could spit fire.

"I didn't spend the night with some women-"

"You spend the night with, how did you call it again? 'If soulmates exist that would be her?'" The women now said in disgust.

Harvey had no clue what to say, no idea what made her suddenly so angry at him, no idea what he could say.

"You should leave." She told him firmly.

"Why?" He frowned at her.

"Did it ever dawn to you that while you are fucking some bimbo, you completely forget about Donna's existence? Why did you even come here, haven't you hurt her enough?" The women now nearly shouted fiercely.

"What do you mean with that, I haven't had sex in a half year?!" Harvey blurted out.

"So what, you spend the night with your 'soulmate' and you just happened to cuddle up an talk?"

"We watched a movie too."

"Are you kidding me?" The women asked in disbelief.

"No" He said confused, "What do you mean with 'haven't you hurt her enough?'"

"Oh come on, you came here for what? She was finally doing better and then you come here and now I need to deal with a heartbroken Donna again!"

After Harvey heared that, every noise suddenly dissapeared and he felt the heat in his body growing. And then he knew, he was going to have a panic attack. Without paying he ran out of the bar, trying desperately to get the feeling of him, to breath again. Everything itched and the sweat felt so hot, his whole body trembled.

So he ran, as fast as he could, without thinking where, he ran.

Mike and Rachel were sitting on the kitchen table eating breakfast, for the first time since Harvey cam visiting only with each other. Because Haylay was still sleeping.

"Do you think they finally got their shit together?" Mike asked his wife.

Even though he already lost hope for his two best friends, he still wanted to believe they would get their happiness.

"I hope so" Rachel said.

"Do you think we should do something?"

"What are you thinking about?"

"I mean we could set them up..."

"Mike, don't. We, especially you, already did enough." She warned him.

"It's not my fault, I was just trying to help and I don't regret it."

"I just don't want to see Donna getting hurt anymore, and I think if he finally want's to pull the trigger, he should do it by himself."

"But I just don't want them to loose another decade..."

"I know honey but-" Before she could say anything more she got interrupted by Mike's phone.

"Sorry I need to take that" Mike told her apologetically.

As Mike picked up, he didn't look who was calling, because he assumed it would be one of his clients. Since he had a telephone appointment scheduled.

"Oh thank god you picked up!" A voice that Mike identified imidently said through the phone.

"Harvey?"

"Mike?"

"Why are you calling me, by the way, shouldn't you be back by now?"

"Sorry I kind of got lost..."

"So what do you want?"

"Could you pick me up?"

"What?" Mike asked confused.

"Could you pick me up?" Harvey repeated getting even more annoyed.

"Just take a cab, I don't have time for this."

"I don't have any money"

"Did you suddenly get poor?"

"I don't know where my wallet is..." He said emberassed.

"Okay where are you?" Mike asked while he rolled his eyes at Rachel, who tried to supress her laughter.

"I don't know"

"You don't know?" Mike asked in disbelief.

"I'll try to find it on the internet, so I can send you a address where you can pick me up... Okay?"

After Mike hung up he looked to his wife, who seemed to be on another place, completely in her thoughts.

"Everything okay?" Mike asked.

"Sure"

"Rach, come on."

"It's just, if he is without his wallet, somewhere in Seattle having no idea where he actually is in the early morning then..."

"You don't think?" Mike asked, trying to find a better explanation.

"I don't want to, but it really sounds like he had just picked up a women..."

"I don't think he would do that!" Mike argued.

"It wouldn't be the first time."

"What's that supoosed to mean?"

"Esther?"

"But he didn't do anything wrong, Donna was in a actual relationship at the time with that Mitchell guy..."

"Mike Mitchell was Donna's fake boyfriend."

"Her what?"

"She saw Harvey and Esther together, she didn't want to be the one not 'moving on', so she made-up Mitchell"

"No way", Mike said laughing.

"I shouldn't have told you that", Rachel said while rolling her eyes at her husband. "Now go pick Harvey up..."

"Yes ma'am" Mike quipped while already heading out the house door.

When Mike finally found the place where Mike sended him to, he could already see Harvey standing their looking utterly lost.

Harvey was standing on the sidewalk only in sweatpants and a shirt that looked extremly old and outworn. To that there where also the slightly longer hair, that weren't gelled and his stubbly beard.

If someone had shown him a picture of this version of Harvey 3 years ago, he would probably have a laugh and don't believe it was really him. But somehow Harvey didn't seem to care that much, what probably was also because he didn't work. Another thing that didn't exactly make sense to Mike, why did Harvey quit?

He knew the man now for a long time, never had he seen Harvey even thinking about quitting, willingly. Sure, he remembered the time when he was arrested and the whole trisl began. But Harvey didn't quit because he didn't want to work, or would, he did it because he thought it was in the best interest.

Suddenly rattled out of his thoughts when Harvey walked towards the car, Mike locked the his car open, so Harvey would be able to get in.

With a force, Harvey opened the door and jumped into the passanger seat.

Before Mike could even comment on Harvey's looks Harvey already shut him down with a, "Don't say anything".

"You think I would be so cruel to point out that you now look worse then me?" Mike said grinning.

"I still look better then you"

"So how did you get from actual clothing to, what I believe is a pijama?" Mike asked while starting his car.

"What do you think?" Harvey asked sarcastically.

"I would say you got drunk and laid" Mike said dryly.

"Well, I guess you aren't a genius after all"

"Come on, what elsr coulf possible be the explanation?"

"You know what, I don't wanna' talk about it."

"Do yiu think you are in the position to play the boss?"

"Shut up" Harvey muttered.

Then silence settled in, Harvey turned his head towards the window, trying to distract himself. He didn't feel tired in the morning, even though he hadn't slept long, he slept very well. Probably the best since he can remember. But now he felt extremely tired and his whole body felt still tense.

So many things happend in such a small amount of time, he found himself adjusting. But things that didn't require much energy a year ago, now feel strangely difficult, especially since he felt like he had more responsibility. He wanted to get his shit together, because he knew Haylay needed it.

He had no actual idea when Haylay was able to go back home, he knew that his brother was searching for his son and wife right now. He just hoped that he would find her soon, and work everything out.

It's not that he doesn't like Haylay around, but he had no actual place for the kid. Not right now. He wanted to go back to work soon, or at least finally make a plan. He wasn't good at doing nothing.

But the thought of getting back to work felt like a punsh in his gut, because what would be if he did go back to work? He would go back to New York, to the firm and work. He didn't want to get in a position like before.

What most stung was the fact that Donna lived in Seattle, he didn't want to leave her. But he didn't live in Seattle. Harvey had thought about moving to Seattle, but even though Seattle was nice, it wasn't somewhere he wanted to live. He missed the bagels, the clearer wheater, being near his family... What suprisingly he did also miss was Louis.

He had no idea when Louis grew to be such a important friend, but he did. Also, he knew he needed to call him, not only because of work, but to talk. Harvey didn't want to talk about his attempted suicide, if he didn't need to. But he wanted to tell him that he was sorry, sorry for leaving, not being there for him and making him take his shit. And thanking him for the exact same reasons.

One thought stung constantly on his mind, what if Donna moved back to New York?

It felt selfish and awful to even think that, even worse was the urge to ask her if she would. Because it was irrational, not fair wanting her to move her life, again because of him. Especially since he would put her again, in a position that unabled her from any possibility of a relationship, that wasn't with him.

Haven't you hurt her enough? The word's still echoes in his head. Something he couldn't quite shake of, maybe coming here was really a bad idea? But Donna said she didn't want the distance, so maybe she didn't hate the idea of him being here. Or maybe she was again, just thinking about his needs and not her own?

"Harvey?" Mike asked suddenly.

"Mhm?"

"How would you like it if you and Haylay would accompany us at work today?"

"Didn't she already see the firm?"

"Legal clinic" Mike corrected.

"Whatever" He shrugged.

"I actually thought maybe you could... well... help me?"

"Help you?" Harvey now looked at him meticulous.

"I have this client, he is a smart guy, but he doesn't like my work. He doesn't agree to all the deals I figured, even though they benefit him."

"Why not?"

"He wants to win, without a deal."

"Then win?" Harvey suggested.

"I can't..."

"I am not gonna say another one liner to make motivated you, but I don't think that you can't win."

"He si to stubborn"

"So your problem is, you can't convince your client to do something that is clearly in his profit?"

"Yes"

"Okay I come with you and I look it up, but you don't give me order's, am I clear?"

"Well technically I am your boss in this situation..."

"Do I get paid?"

"No" Mike said grinning.

"Then you are actually subordinated"

"However you can sleep at night"

"Is it okay if I go, before we go to the firm, to the shower and fix myself up a bit?"

"Sure, is 30 minutes enough?"

Donna was working on a deposition, trying to concentrate. Even though it wasn't as easy, because she was still tired, she couldn't go back to sleep after she basically kicked Harvey out.

She knew it was completely random to just do that, but she couldn't keep it together. It wasn't because he destroyed her cup, or that he had seen her in her underwear, nor the smug comments. No, in a weird way she missed this, she even came to like him like that. It was true that he could be incredibly annoying, sometimes even making her feel extremely frustrated, but it was also him. And she loved him, even the annoyinng parts that made her go mad.

But the fact that he was standing in her kitchen, casually making tea, in the esrly morning... It had something incredibly intimate for her, something to near. In that moment, every damn cell in her body wanted to touch him. Give him a good morning kiss. But they weren't like that, at the same moment through, she realised that they were dangerous near that. That it almost seemed liked in every second it could happend, that one of them wouldn't keep it together.

That word's would get said, that they couldn't take back. Or that they would touch to much, that they wouldn't just touch briefly.

Or were they dating?

She said she loved him, they cuddled, they flirted and touched. A lot.

But that wasn't something new, it was dissimilar, it felt diffrent. Because he opened up, he did things, he freely looked at her. Without a barrier, without unsaid word's.

Even if they still needed to talk, they now were able to talk, he was... ready?

"Donna?" A voice asked.

Donna dropped her pen in shock and looked towards the office door, hoe could she have not heard that someone came into her office.

That he came into her office.

"Sorry I didn't mean to scare you..." Harvey said now.

He was standing in her office, in one hand a file in the other hand a coffe cup.

"I just didn't expect you here..." Donna said trying to get on her game again.

"Well, here I am"

"You shaved" She stated.

"I did"

"And your hair is uh... styled"

His hair was flipped back, center-side parted, and had some natural waves. It didn't look chaotic, like in the morning. Donna found herself actually beginning to like his a slightly longer hair, she even found herself wanting to prowl his hair, like the night before.

"Yeah, Mike asked me if I could help him and it just feels weird to not dress up."

And he did dress up, he wore the 3 piece dark blue suit, the one she knew, that he knew that she loved on him.

"I just wanted to see your office"

"Oh", was all Donna said, to overwhelmed with the new found situation.

"And I have a coffe for you, I know it doesn't make up for the cup..." He said, while he placed the coffe cup on her desk.

She instantly knew it was black coffe, two sugars and a splish vanilla.

"Thank you" She said, not able to suppress the giddy smile on her lips.

"I'll now go call Louis, before he gets on a plane and kicks my ass for ignoring him"

"Something wrong with the firm?"

"No it's fine, Louis is just being Louis because of the whole pregnancy thing." Hsrvey explained.

"Pregnancy?"

"He didn't tell you yet?" Harvey asked supried.

"No I didn't really talk to Louis, it almost seemed like he tried to avoid me..."

"Sorry about that..." Harvey felt guilty.

If Louis tried to avoid Donna, it probably meant he was trying to not tell Donna about his behaviour.

"I let you work now" Harevey said, winking at her once again and leaving her office.

Harvey dialed Louis phone number, while he leant himself against the next wall right out of Donna's office.

"Harvey, I am so glad you called!"

"Yeah-" Harvey tried to say something but got cut of by Louis.

"Shelia says we should pick godparents out, since she says it would be a good thing. But not Godparents in a religious way, you know I am Jewish and my child is goung to be Jewish. Don't tell Sheila that... So how would you feel about being Prudence Godfather?" Louis rambled now excited.

"Prudence?" Harvey asked in disbelief.

"Isn't it a great name?" Louis aksed oblivious.

"Louis the name sounds more like a ancient Grandma then a little girl..."

"You really think so?" Louis asked dissapointet.

"Sorry Louis, maybe try to pick a younger name?"

"Okay, what do you think about Grodga?"

"Grog what?"

"Grogda"

"That's a name?!"

"Yeah, isn't it beautiful?"

Harvey sighed and tried to find word's to talk his friend out of the idea.

"You don't like it?" Louis asked sad.

"It's very unique..."

"We also have on the list Derpina, Dolores, and Malvolia"

"Derpina and Dolores, Louis you don't want your kid to get bullied in school..."

"And Malvolia?" Louis asked hopefull.

"Isn't that the female version of Malvolio from Shakespeare's Twelfth Night?"

"Yes it is, how do you even know that?"

"Donna once made me go...Not the point, Louis the name is translated as 'ill Will", you can't call a child that!"

"Okay, maybe you could try to find good names and mail me them? Since you sre going to be the godfather and all..."

"I didn't agree to that-" Harvey protestet.

"You will lover her, she is going to be great, I can't wait!"

"I am sure Louis" Harvey said.

"So when are you coming back to the firm, I could really need a back up man now!" Louis suddenly asked.

"I don't know if I am coming back Louis..."

"But you have to, we have built this firm up again, together" The dissapointment was audible in Louis voice.

"Look I am sorry for how I behaved in the last couple of months and I am sorry you needed to put up with that..."

"Don't worry, just please think about when you are coming back!"

"Louis-"

"You are coming back, to New York, right?"

"I don't know"

"You have to, you can't just leave!"

"Look I don't know what I am going to do now. I need to help Mike with one case and see if I even want to be a lawyer anymore..."

"You aren't going to work for the legal Clinic now too?" Louis asked anxious.

"No I don't think so, but I am right now in Seattle and he asked for my help."

"Just please think about it, you shouldn't just throw away everything you built yourself. It's not to late you know..."

"I will" Harvey promised.

"But when are you going to at least visit Anyways?"

"I see what I can do..."

"I have a idea, next week the firm has a Gala, we try to manifest the new firm name... And I think it would be great if you come, show your support and all."

"I don't know I if can come..."

"You have to, Jessica is coming too, you can invite Mike, Rachel and Donna too. It's going to be one big reunion!"

"Louis-" Harvey tried to argue.

"Okay I see you in a week, I need to go now, Sheila and I have a doctor's appointment."

Without another chance to argue Louis was cut from the line, leaving Harvey suddenly scheduled for a gala.

It wasn't that he didn't understand that it would be good for the firms future if he attended, it would stop the rumours too. But he wanted time to rest, he was afraid that if he would go back everything would get bad again.

However, Harvey seemed to not really have a choice. A sudden idea settled itself in Harveys head, maybe he could ask Donna to be his date?

to be continued...

Okay in this chapter wasn't much Donna and Harvey action, but I hope it still satisfied you all'. I am very bad at trying to explain stuff like hair... Harvey's hair in this story are kind of inspired by a haircut I have once seen on Gabriel Macht (the actor of Harvey), I thought it looked cool so here we are...

Anyways I again included Susanne in this story, I don't even know why. It feels kind of over the top...

I am sorry I didn't update sooner, but I got sick what for me basically means watching Buffy and not doing anything else.

It would mean a lot if you would review this story!