Chapter 7: Memories
Later that Day
Later that day Bucky found himself sitting on an examination table in Avenger's Tower. After hours of being poked and prodded, he felt like a lab rat. Shuri and Dr. Banner had done a MRI when he arrived, followed by a series of different tests and a blood draw. They were looking over his scans now and murmuring to one another. Steve stood by Bucky's side, fiddling anxiously with his fingers. Bucky felt uncomfortable, but he was certain Steve's nerves could give him a run for his money.
"Is there anything on the scans?" Steve questioned finally. Shuri shook her head.
"They're the same as the last time I examined them."
"So you can't do anything," Bucky said. He was surprised at the disappointment in his voice.
"I didn't say that. This is to be expected. PTSD wouldn't show up on a brain scan, it was really more of a formality." Bucky stayed silent as she continued. "PTSD is a complex disease, Bucky. These memories are stored deep in your subconscious." Bucky sighed and hopped off the table.
"This is a waste of time. It's not like you can make me forget years of trauma. This is pointless."
"Bucky-" Bucky shook his head and tried to walk away but a strong hand on his arm stopped him.
"Steve, let me-"
"No. Sit." Bucky was surprised by the ferocity in Steve's voice.
"Steve-"
"No Buck. You promised me you would try."
"I did try! They don't know what's wrong with me! Unless they can erase the memories that are causing me to relapse, it's a lost cause."
"Wait, maybe that's exactly what we need to do." The team looked at Bruce as he spoke.
"But how Dr. Banner?" Shuri questioned. "That technology doesn't exist."
"The technology doesn't exist. But we do have someone on the team who can manipulate someone's mind and their memories."
"You mean Wanda?" Steve questioned.
"Remember what she did to us back on the barge, Steve?"
"When we were hunting Ultron?"
Bruce nodded. "She put memories in our head that didn't exist before that. If she can do that, erasing a few bad ones shouldn't be a problem."
A few? Bucky thought to himself bleakly. His entire history was one bad memory after another.
"I'll go talk to Wanda." Bruce excused himself. Shuri, seeming to sense the mood coming from Bucky, quickly did the same.
"Buck, what's wrong? This is great news!"
"Steve, I told you when I came here I didn't want anyone playing in my head."
"Bucky," Steve took his hand. "Wanda won't do anything without permission from Bruce and Shuri." Bucky shook his head.
"I can't. I can't let her do this." Years and years of torture and mental manipulation were flooding back to him. He couldn't face it again.
"Buck-"
"I don't trust them, Steve." Bucky met Steve's eyes. "I'm afraid," He admitted because he needed Steve to understand.
Steve squeezed his hand.
"It's okay to be afraid, Buck." Steve reached out and gripped Bucky's cheek. Bucky's instinct was to flinch, but after a moment he leaned into Steve's touch. Steve stroked his face softly with his thumb. "…Do you trust me?" Bucky stared at Steve.
If he knew anything, he knew this.
"Yes."
"If you're not comfortable with this then we'll put a stop to it right now. Your ability to choose was taken away from you for too long. I won't force you to do anything." Steve took a breath. "But if you do decide to do this, I promise you I won't let them do anything to you that would hurt you. I'll be here for every minute of treatment." Bucky continued to watch his friend.
Steve's word was everything to him. He had never let Bucky down before and if Steve trusted his teammates, then Bucky should too. He swallowed.
"…Okay," He whispered. "I'll do it."
Steve's smile could have blinded him.
"Yeah?" Bucky nodded. He wasn't sure about the plan. And he wasn't happy about the idea of Wanda inside his head. But for Steve, he would try.
The Next Day
"We discussed it and the best way to ensure no harm comes to Bucky is to put him out, using anesthesia." Bucky stiffened. Steve, sensing his friend's discomfort, stepped closer to him.
"We're going to be in the most painful and triggering memories you have Sergeant Barnes. This is for your safety and ours," Shuri assured him. Bucky glanced at Steve, who nodded. Hesitantly, Bucky nodded too.
"Once you're out, we'll use sensors to scan your brain waves. Your memories will appear on these screens," Bruce gestured behind them to two large monitors. "Shuri and I will monitor your distress levels as the memory plays and depending on the result, Wanda will erase the memory."
Bucky didn't like the idea of his most painful memories being displayed in front of half the Avengers, but what option did he have? This was the only proposed solution to help him.
"Will I still be me?" Bucky questioned. "After the procedure?"
"You'll still have plenty of memories and all your good ones." Bruce assured him.
"How are you going to look at his memories?" Steve questioned. The door to the lab opened. The group looked up as Tony stepped into the room. Bucky tensed. Steve put a calming hand on his shoulder.
"Tony?" Steve questioned.
"Using B.A.R.F. of course," He answered. "Still need to work on that acronym. Binarily Augmented Retro Framing. I developed it a few years back. Bruce filled me in on your little science experiment," He continued, addressing the group.
Science experiment? Bucky couldn't help feeling irked at Tony's blasé attitude. Steve shot Bruce a look of annoyance.
"I merely said we needed to borrow B.A.R.F. for the day," Bruce corrected. "For the purpose of helping Sergeant Barnes with the memories that are causing him to regress."
"Of course, I'm the only one who's familiar with the program and software so…here I am." Tony said.
"Why would you want to help me?" Bucky asked Tony warily. "…After what I did."
Pain flashed in Tony's eyes. "…I know you weren't you when you did those things. And if this helps remove the memories that created the Winter Soldier…then I'm all for it." Bucky thought about this for a moment. Then, he stuck out his hand for Tony to shake.
"Thank you, Tony." Tony hesitated, before taking his hand and shaking it.
"This doesn't mean I like you," Tony deadpanned.
"Shall we start?" Shuri questioned.
Bucky nodded. Shuri and Bruce began preparing the medical equipment while Tony started booting up one of the machines. Wanda stood to the side awkwardly, looking very out of place. Bucky wished she didn't look so nervous.
"See you on the other side I guess?" He said, turning to Steve. "When I wake up, I'll be a new man," He joked.
"You'll be the same man, without the weight of your painful memories," Steve corrected.
"You're so dramatic." Bucky reached out and pulled Steve into a hug. Steve was surprised but returned it, holding his friend close.
"Remember your promise," Bucky whispered in his ear.
"I'm not going anywhere," Steve swore. Bucky nodded, letting the other man go. He laid back on the table. Shuri placed a series or wires connected to stickers over his chest.
"To monitor your heartrate and vitals," She informed him. Tony walked over and placed a wire on either side of Bucky's head, pressing them to his temples. "This will allow us to see your memories," Shuri explained.
Bucky appreciated that Shuri knew how anxious he was and that her explanations helped alleviate some of his stress. He had been her patient before, after all.
Bruce rolled over another cart. This one had a large machine attached to it which had a hose and oxygen mask attached. "This will put you out." Shuri waited until Bucky nodded before reaching for the equipment. She took the mask and placed it over Bucky's nose and mouth.
"Are you ready, Sergeant Barnes?"
"Bucky," He corrected. "If you're gonna be inside my head, you can at least call me by my name. And I'm ready."
Bruce turned on the machine.
"Count back from ten Bucky."
"Ten, nine, eight…seven…..six…." Bucky's words slurred. Then, he succumbed to darkness.
Steve's Perspective
Steve was trying his best not to appear anxious. He had faith in Bruce, Tony and Wanda. As his team members, Steve had put his life in their hands more than once. He didn't know Shuri that well, however he respected her intelligence and willingness to help.
But this was Bucky's mind. The man had been through so much pain and loss in his life. This needed to work.
"We'll do his most recent memories first and then work back to the older ones," Tony informed Steve as he flicked through a holographic screen that displayed various dials and levers.
"How will you go through all his memories? Won't it take years to go through everything?" The thought had just occurred to Steve.
"We're targeting memories with high stress or emotional levels to filter out the memories we don't need to see."
Steve looked at the screens as they flickered to life. The image was grainy at first but gradually became clearer. He was surprised to see his own face displayed on the monitor, smiling down at the screen. Steve reminded himself he was see memories through Bucky's eyes.
The image was of him in the very lab they were standing in, not 10 minutes before hand. Shuri hit a button and skipped to the next memory. The screen displayed Steve hopping out of the SUV in Astoria to tell Bucky about he and Natasha's theory. Then, Bucky leaving Avenger's tower the night before. Steve was shocked at his own look of pain on his past self's face when Bucky left.
The screen changed again. Bucky was staring at him. Well, the him from last night. It was the memory from right before Bucky ran off. They were in the man's bedroom, arguing about Sharon. Steve knew where the memory was headed but wasn't prepared to see it displayed before the group. He turned beet red as Bucky kissed him. Shuri quickly skipped the memory, but he felt his team member's eyes flick towards him. He was grateful when she also skipped the memory of Steve being rejected by Bucky the night before. Then the night they spoke in the kitchen about Bucky's nightmares.
On and on it went. It was awkward watching the events from Siberia and the airport in Germany take place with Tony in the room, especially considering they had been on opposite sides at the time.
"So this is what I missed while I was in space," Bruce said in an attempt to lighten the mood.
It was strange seeing so many memories from Bucky's eyes. Especially memories Steve wasn't present for, like Bucky's time spent hiding in Romania.
Finally, after long minutes of flipping through memories, Shuri stopped on one. Steve recognized the room.
Bucky was in some sort of underground bunker, surrounded by men Steve didn't recognize. Suddenly, Alexander Pierce walked into the room. He demanded a mission report from Bucky, who didn't respond. After a moment, Pierce slapped him. Steve's fist clenched. Then Bucky said, "But I knew him." Steve immediately knew this memory was from when Bucky had been instructed to kill Steve back in DC.
"Prep him," Pierce told one of the technicians.
"But he's been out of cyro freeze too long," The tech responded.
"Then wipe him and start over," Pierce responded coldly. Steve knew what was coming, but wasn't the slightest bit prepared to witness it. The men strapped past Bucky in and turned on the machine.
The real Bucky's heart rate spiked suddenly, the EKG beeping wildly. It wasn't hard to see why. Past Bucky was being tortured for remembering Steve. And presumably to make him forget him.
Steve couldn't help it. Tears broke free from his eyes, streaming down his face at Bucky's pained screams.
Suddenly, the real Bucky arched off the examination table, his spine straining before collapsing. He started thrashing wildly, convulsing as the memory played out.
"Hold him down!" Shuri yelled. Steve reacted instantly, grabbing Bucky's arms and forcing them down so the others could restrain him.
"Can't you stop that until we can get him under control?" Bruce yelled to Tony as they struggled to strap him in. He nodded to the monitor which was still displaying Bucky's torture.
"It's not a tv you can hit pause on," Tony snapped. "These are his memories."
"He needs to calm down or this isn't going to work. His heart rate is going crazy." Bruce replied. Shuri met Steve's eyes.
"Talk to him Steve," Shuri encouraged. "You need to calm him." Steve looked down at the man laying on the table. The man he loved. He reached down and stroked his dark hair, then took a seat beside him.
"Buck? Can you hear me? It's Steve." He continued stroking as he spoke in Bucky's ear in a soothing voice. "It's okay Buck. I'm right here." Bucky stopped fighting the restraints and relaxed slightly. "That's right, Buck. I'm right here. You're safe." Finally, Bucky slackened completely.
"Keep him calm," Tony urged. "Wanda, you're up." The redhead stepped forward and put her hands on either side of Bucky's temples. Steve took Bucky's hand, running his thumbs over the man's rough knuckles.
Steve kept speaking to him while the memory replayed, this time the real Bucky notably more calm. Wanda closed her eyes to focus. That strange red mist emanated from her hand and disappeared through Bucky's ear. He flinched. Steve quickly murmured more calming words. Steve watched in fascination as the memory faded from the screen as the red mist drifted back out his ear at Wanda's cajoling before disappearing into thin air.
Over and over they repeated this process for many hours, until the sun set and night had fallen. It wasn't easy watching Bucky's most painful memories play over the screen and Shuri herself even teared up at one point. Steve hated every second of watching the painful memories but was happy he at least had an important job. Bucky was placated almost instantly by his words and Steve's calming touch. Steve stroked the man's hand as he stared at him. After years of torture and abuse, pain and death, it was amazing any part of Bucky had been spared.
No, Steve thought after a moment. Bucky was strong. This would have broken any normal man beyond repair. But Bucky wasn't any normal man.
"Wanda needs another break," Bruce said, hours after the sun had set. She looked terrible. She was sweating profusely, and dark circles marred her under eyes.
"No, I can finish," Wanda countered in her heavily accented voice. "We're almost there. I can tell. He feels different."
"Different how?" Steve questioned, fearing for his friend.
"Less guilt. Less pain." Steve sighed, relieved. "I'm fine, Bruce. Let's finish this."
A memory flickered to life on the screen. Steve was once again staring at his own face through Bucky's eyes. Bucky was hanging onto the shattered remains of the train. Steve remembered this well. It was 1944. The day Bucky had "died." He watched as his past self tried in vain to get to Bucky, but was too late. Bucky fell from the train, screaming as he plummeted off the cliff.
Wanda flexed her fingers. The smoke curled out of Bucky's ear and disappeared in a poof. The screen went blank. Bucky's body relaxed completely, for the first time since they had started the procedure. Perhaps for the first time in seventy years.
Wanda collapsed. Steve's reflexes reacted instantly. He caught her, sweeping her up and onto a nearby cot.
"Is she okay?"
"Just exhausted," Bruce clarified. "She'll be fine after some rest."
"What about him?" They turned towards Bucky.
"He needs rest too. I took him off the gas, but he most likely won't wake up until tomorrow afternoon. I'll be by to check on him in the morning. In the meantime I suggest you get some rest yourself, Cap."
"I'm not leaving," Steve said immediately, taking up his seat beside Bucky.
Bruce opened his mouth to respond, but Shuri cut him off.
"I think you can save your breath Dr. Banner." She smiled at him.
"What about Wanda?" Steve questioned, glancing at the girl. "Should I take her to her room?"
"She'll be okay. She'll wake up at some point." After the rest of the team had shuffled from the room, Steve resumed his seat beside his best friend. He examined the man's face. While Bucky still looked young, he had a few distinct age lines. Steve reached out to touch a particularly deep one between Bucky's brows.
My angry soldier…Steve hoped the procedure was a success and that Bucky's traumatizing memories had been banished for good. He let head fall forward again the man's arm.
In truth, Steve was exhausted. It had been a long, emotionally draining day. Before too long, his breath slowed and he drifted off to sleep.
He woke sometime in the night when Wanda stirred. She sat up, clearly disheveled and confused. Steve walked over to her and helped her sit up.
"You okay?" He questioned. She nodded. She looked at Bucky who was still fast asleep.
"How's he doing?"
"Okay, I think. Bruce said he probably won't wake until tomorrow morning." She nodded again, swinging her legs off the cot.
"I'm going to head to my room."
"Will you be alright? Do you want me to walk you?" She smiled.
"I'll be fine, Steve."
"Wanda…I really can't thank you enough for what you did for Bucky," Steve started.
"I've known him only a few months now, but I could tell he was a good man," She replied. "And after seeing all the bad things he's been through in his life, I'm glad I was able to help." She slid of the cot and headed to the door, stopping and looking back before she left the room. "He's lucky to have you, Steve." With that she turned and headed down the hall. Steve turned back towards his friend and resumed his seat beside him.
I'm the lucky one.
A/N: Hey guys, I decided to repost this chapter because the first version had a few typos...Sorry for the confusion. As always, if you're enjoying this story, please leave a review! They inspire me to keep writing :)