AN: Trigger warnings to things are present. Don't like don't read.
I don't own Rizzoli & Isles. I just borrow them and some dialogue at times.
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Maura stood in the doorway to the Dirty Robber and held Jane's eyes, her heart slowly dropping into her stomach. She had always been good at reading Jane when the woman wasn't closed off, but right now Jane was completely closed off to her. There was a hardened look in Jane's eyes that was unsettling, and she suddenly didn't know if she should even be there at all.
Maybe Jane had moved on and this was going to blow up into something more painful. Could she handle not being welcome in Jane's life? Could she handle not being able to talk to her best friend like they used to?
She couldn't deny that her heart swelled with love at the sight of Jane holding their son. Her whispered words in the boy's ear sending a chill down her spine. It wouldn't be wrong of Jane to be angry at her. She had always told Luca that it was her fault and at the time, seeing Jane in his face all these years, she had truly felt guilty. He should have had them both and she had been unable to fight hard enough, to fight as much as she wanted to fight for it.
It was the number one thing that she regretted over the last few years. She regretted not fighting harder, but she couldn't risk his life, the pregnancy being a difficult one that almost ended very differently for the both of them.
She pulled her eyes away from Jane and Luca as Angela approached her, "How are you doing Maura?" The woman's voice was soft and comforting.
She sighed heavily, "This is harder than I thought it would be. I've waited for this moment for years but now I don't know if she even wants me here."
Angela's eyes widened at her, a frown creasing the older woman's brow, "Of course she does. She never gave up on you Maura. She never stopped fighting, even when Dean came by a few months after you disappeared."
She turned to face away from Jane, "I know he was here, but he never told me exactly why."
Anger burned through her veins, hot and fast. It threatened to consume her again and she was powerless to stop it. Anger had become her greatest tool over the years, thanks to Agent Dean. It was something that he had instilled inside of her and she had to admit that it helped. It helped her face the lonely nights and the unknown situations she found herself in. It even helped her deal with Dean and his bullshit that he had tried to hit her with. She shook her head, trying to clear the thoughts that were not helping her mood.
Angela stepped closer, lowering her voice, "Have you talked to Constance or Hope?"
Her head snapped around to face the woman, catching the worry in Jane's face at her sudden movement but ignoring it to focus on Angela, "I don't even know how to reach out to them. I mean it's not like I have that kind of relationship with Constance and as for Hope… I was taken from her by Paddy once. What do you think she's going to do when she finds out it happened again?"
Angela's eyes widened, "Paddy Doyle was the reason again?"
She shrugged, crossing her arms over her chest, a way to make her feel less vulnerable, "Sort of. It's a long story and if I have to tell it, I'd rather it be all at once and not multiple times."
Angela nodded, "I understand but Hope has been a mess. Cailin has been supportive but she's in Med school and trying to help Hope and do school work is-"
She nodded, "Hard. I understand." She shook her head again.
She had thought about Hope and Cailin over the years, but her main focus had been the love of her life and her child. Family was there, in the back of her mind, but her main focus had always been Jane. She had everything she had ever wanted, and it had been ripped away from her without a thought. She had grown to understand how Hope had felt. She understood now why Hope had reacted the way she had when they first met.
And then it happened again. She had been taken from Hope again without warning, just like before. Only this time they had a relationship. They had been growing closer over the year that they had been in touch with each other after moving passed their first few meetings. It had been something she was proud of and Jane had been supportive of.
Cailin was her sister, an actual sibling that she had always wanted but it wasn't the same as Frankie and Tommy. They held a place in her heart that Cailin would never have. She couldn't deny that Hope and Cailin were apart of her but not in the same way as the Rizzoli's.
She glanced back over at Jane as she picked their son up again, "How do I face her?"
Angela frowned before looking over at Jane, "She's still in love with you Maura. You two were made for each other and don't ever forget it."
She watched Jane walk towards her, the gun and badge on her hips commanding attention, commanding that the woman held a power over everyone around her. She could still see the strength that Jane had, in the way she moved, in the way she held herself. It was intimidating and all her fears returned in full force. She was guarded because Jane was guarded.
In a way she was being stubborn. If Jane wanted to be closed off, then so would she. She knew it was childish, after all she was the one that had disappeared, and Jane didn't owe her anything. In fact, she owed Jane everything. An explanation to start with would be good but how could she when Jane didn't seem to even want it?
As Jane approached them, she moved away from her, keeping the distance as a form of comfort. She didn't want to be rejected by the one person that she couldn't stand that from. She could feel Luca beside her, gripping her leg anxiously as he took in the palpable feelings around him.
She admired him for that. She had never been one to understand social interactions or even understand how to act or what to say in certain situations. Luca was the complete opposite. He seemed so entuned to other people's emotions that it sometimes overwhelmed him. She was kind of surprised it happened already, but the day wasn't over, and she knew her son.
She ran her hand over his head soothingly, knowing that he was anxious, "We should get going. I want to get a room before it gets too late."
Jane quickly stepped forward, "You have a home here Maura."
She met Jane's dark eyes, the worry for Luca not quite out weighting the fear of rejection by Jane that had plagued her thoughts over the years. The longer she had been gone the more she feared Jane wouldn't want her back. An even stronger fear that Jane would blame her for everything had become a constant since she had heard of Lucchese's death. It wasn't something that she could control.
"I didn't want to impose." She was hesitant only because she couldn't get a good read on Jane's emotions.
Jane frowned, "Maura," Jane shook her head, her dark eyes hard and distant, "Please come home."
She felt her heart constrict in her chest at the words she had been so desperate to hear over the years. Words she never thought she would hear again, but was that what Jane really wanted or was it just because of Luca? She would never keep Jane from their child, she could never take that away from either of them.
She just didn't want to be a charity case either. She knew how Jane was always willing to help someone in need and while she didn't have the money she used to, she wasn't exactly broke either. She could afford a small apartment until she figured out her work situation.
She really hated the idea of being put in that position, especially with Jane. The one person that had always been there for her when she needed someone. She wouldn't do that to Jane, couldn't do that to the woman that had suffered so much over the last four years.
She finally nodded, "If that's what you want."
And she meant it. If that was what Jane wanted, then she would do it. Whatever Jane wanted or needed from her, she would willingly give to Jane. It had never been a question and it would never become one. Jane and Luca would always be her priority, even if Jane didn't want her in the same way anymore.
Jane took another hesitant step closer, "Of course that's what I want. It's what I've always wanted."
Maura's chest tightened with emotion that she wasn't sure wouldn't show if she spoke now, so she just nodded as she picked Luca up and he settled on her hip. Holding him always calmed her slightly and it she desperately needed to calm down before everything spilled over. She couldn't stop herself from moving closer to Angela, moving further away from Jane. She couldn't describe the need to have the woman she considered a mother closer at the moment.
Angela had always stood up for her, protected her even. She had seen Angela and Constance argue, Angela never backing down from the reserved woman that used words to wound people. Angela on the other hand would physically hurt someone if anyone of her children were the target, which Angela had stated many times over their years together that when she said 'her children' that included her. Angela had always bragged that she had a Doctor in the family, even long before she and Jane were ever together intimately.
She had needed Angela more than ever when she had been going through her pregnancy. The woman had wisdom that didn't come from textbooks but from real life experiences. She had needed the motherly comfort that only Angela had ever given her and she had missed it so much. A time that should have been family bonding and happiness had become lonely and miserable.
Now that she could have it, she craved it. She craved the safety that Angela provided her, the protection that the woman could give her not just emotionally. She knew Jane would protect her no matter what, she was the mother of Jane's child after all. This was something that Jane couldn't give her, but Angela could.
Angela smiled at her, almost knowingly, as Jane exited the bar. She followed Angela out to Jane's unmarked cruiser, the same one from years ago. She slipped into the back seat with Luca, helping him buckle into the middle seat so she could wrap an arm around him. She felt Jane's eyes on her every few minutes and she would never deny that it felt good to have Jane's eyes on her again.
She smiled as she whispered to Luca, "How did it go?"
Luca smiled up at her as he leaned into her, "It was amazing!" He whisper shouted.
She held back a chuckle as she nodded, "Did you like your Mama?"
He bobbed his head happily, "I love her like I love you Mommy. She's worried about you Mommy."
She frowned down at him, "What for?"
He shrugged, "She asked what you were afraid of and I tole her the truth. Her."
She frowned as Luca turned to look out the window. She silently cursed herself for teaching him to always tell the truth and quickly reminding herself to teach him about innocent white lies. She didn't want Jane to know her fears although since Luca didn't know why she was afraid of Jane, not that she was afraid of Jane per say.
She frowned as she tried to figure out a way to explain it, even to herself. She had always been good with words but when trying to put those words with the emotions she seemed to constantly be feeling today, she was speechless. How could she explain that she was afraid of Jane but not afraid of her at the same time? Luca was three going on four and he seemed to have a better grasp on this whole mess than she did.
It was frustrating.
When Jane pulled into the driveway, she couldn't help but smile at the house. The beautiful two-story brick home that they had been interested in. They were supposed to put down an offer on it the day she found out she was pregnant but obviously they had been preoccupied. It had been built in the early nineteen hundreds and still held a lot of the antique furniture that had been left with the house over the years.
She had fallen in love with it from the first time they had arrived at the open house. They had wanted it to be their wedding gift to themselves, so they could officially start their marriage in their own place, not her townhouse and not Jane's apartment. It was going to be theirs, together, a mixture of their lives and the place to start a family, which at the time had been something else entirely.
The back door opened, and Luca jumped out of the car, turning back to grin her, "Mommy it's bigger than what we lived in."
She stepped out of the car as she spoke to Jane, "Thank you for letting us stay here."
Jane shook her head, "Maura this is as much your home as mine if you want it to be."
Angela stood on the porch and called out, "Luca, come help Nonna with dinner. The boys will be here soon."
She frowned at Jane, panic slowly creeping up her spine, "Boys?"
Jane nodded, "Frankie and Tommy and Frost. I can call them and tell them not to come if you're not ready for that mess."
She chuckled, her heart swelling at Jane wanting to protect her again, "Ripping the band aid off as you call it, right?"
For the first time since she laid eyes on her Jane smiled warmly, "Right, but it's really not a problem. Korsak will insist though."
She shook her head as she pushed the car door shut. She honestly wanted to see everyone, but she was more worried about Luca and the range of emotions that could be thick in the air once everyone arrived. The boy was too smart for his own good sometimes and she didn't want him to be overwhelmed. She had to admit to herself that she was a little more than overwhelmed already but at least this way she could get half of it over with in one go.
"No, its fine. Luca knows about everyone. I just wasn't expecting this to happen so fast and in this way. Jane, I didn't know that Angela worked there." She frowned, not sure if she was ready for this talk yet.
Jane turned to face her fully, holding eye contact, "Why didn't you call me the moment you got back to town?"
Her eyes burned with tears as she took a small step forward leaving only a small space between them. She didn't want distance between them anymore. She needed to feel Jane's body heat, to feel the woman's familiar comfort so she could speak without breaking.
She kept her voice soft and quiet, speaking quickly so she could get it all out, "I didn't know if you wanted to know or if you had moved on."
Jane shook her head and stepped into her space, leaving no space between them, "I never moved on and I never stopped needing to know. Maura I-"
A loud horn blasted on her street and her head snapped up to find a familiar dark blue truck skidding to a stop at the curb in front of the house. The youngest Rizzoli slammed the driver side door and sprinted through the grass right for her. Tommy scooped her up into his strong arms, squeezing her tightly in his excitement. Her feet dangled above the pavement as Tommy spun her in a circle and she couldn't stop the chuckle that escaped her lips.
"I missed you too Tommy." She said into his ear quietly.
He pulled back slightly to smile up at her, "We can't go through that again Maura. You are my best friend."
She grinned at him and hugged him tighter, "I promise I'm not going anywhere. Have you been behaving?"
Tommy laughed, "I had a bad time there for a while but I'm two years sober Maura. I saved the chips for you."
She smiled at him until Jane's angry voice sounded behind her, a slight growl in her raspy tone, "Tommy put her down."
Tommy grinned at Maura as he put the blonde down, "Maura it is damn good to see you."
As Jane moved towards her, she stepped back as Jane spoke, "Hey Tommy. I have someone I'd like you to meet."
She backed towards the car, needing a moment to recover from the sudden excitement and happiness that Tommy had radiated out to her. She was happy to see him. He had always been the one that she was closer too and it had nothing to do with the fact that Tommy had had a crush on her for a while. Jane was always closer to Frankie and Tommy had always felt like the outcast.
He had always thanked her for treating him like she did everyone else and that was what brought them closer. She enjoyed his child like enthusiasm for everything in life. He radiated happiness most of time and it was hard not to get caught up in his antics, which had caused quite a few arguments with Jane over the years. It was all in good fun and Tommy enjoyed having someone he could go to that wouldn't judge him like his brother and sister would.
He had been good for her, bringing her out of her shell more. Even forcing her to confront her feelings for Jane head on instead of pushing them aside like Jane had been doing. She knew if it wasn't for him and Frankie, she and Jane never would have taken that first step in admitting their feelings, and she always thanked him when she had the chance.
However, she didn't miss the fact that Tommy didn't know about their child. Angela had said the same thing when she had spoken to the woman earlier and she had wondered about it. Now she needed to know why Jane hadn't told anyone. Did she not want him? Had Jane not been as happy as she thought the woman was back then?
She leaned back against the car as she watched Luca pull Tommy towards the house as Jane walked towards her, "Let me explain."
She crossed her arms over her chest, hurt and anger swirling around her chest, "You didn't tell your family about the baby, why?"
Jane stood in front of her, a slight crease in her brow as she spoke, "I wanted to tell them together and then you…" Jane suddenly shook her head and clenched her teeth, the anger exploding from the Detective, "It was my happiness. It was my child. It was you. You were all that mattered to me at that point, and I didn't think to tell them that not only had they lost you, the daughter, the sister that they had come to love you as. But also, that they also lost a grandson and nephew that wasn't even born yet."
She felt her heart tightening in pain at the look of utter sorrow and suffering in Jane's eyes. Jane's walls were gone, and she could see everything in the woman's dark eyes. The torment that Jane had gone through was right in front of her and she knew it was much worse than she had ever suspected. She hated that she had put Jane through so much but now she could take everything that Jane wanted to throw at her. She would take it because she deserved it. She had felt the guilt building over the years, and she was right.
The pain that Jane was feeling was her fault, so she remained silent and let Jane continue.
Jane glared at her as the anger intensified, "I didn't know what happened. You were just gone and there was so much blood and your voice…" Jane shook her head and she saw Jane's hands clench into fists at her sides, "Your voice Maura, your voice was in my head. Telling me that there was no way the victim all that blood came from could still be alive and I hated it. I hated you for having your voice in my head telling me that when all I wanted was you."
Her heart exploded in her chest as the realization set in. She had never meant to hurt Jane. She had always relied on science to explain the way the world worked and how to interact with people. Jane had been different. She had interacted with Jane easily, as if they were made for each other and at the time that had been true.
Now there was so much damage done that she didn't know if she could ever fix it. She could help Jane by staying away from her. By giving her time to process everything and answering all Jane's questions honestly. She would give Jane whatever she needed and right now it was clear that Jane needed space.
"Maura I'm sorry. I don't… I didn't…" Jane took a deep breath.
She turned towards the house, pain gripping every part of her soul, "I'll look for a hotel after dinner."
She would give Jane the world if she could. She wanted to fix this, but she was at a loss as to how to even start. She would sit through dinner because Luca deserved this, and Jane deserved to have dinner with her son. Afterwards she would find a hotel and she and Luca would stay there until she found an apartment.
She would give anything for Jane to not feel the pain that she had been feeling all these years and if she had known, she would have run from the program. Now she couldn't go back, she couldn't redo things. She had to push forward and if that meant letting Jane go, she would do it. She would let Jane go and suffer in silence, as she had all these years.
She was used to suffering alone, suffering in silence because there was no one there to listen, no one there to care. She would suffer for Jane, because Jane was everything to her and always would be.