A/N: Trigger warning: rape. The title is from the song "She Used To Be Mine" from the musical Waitress and written by Sara Bareilles.

Connor left Ava in the OR with his patient, some VIP named Mr Montero. She didn't know why, wondered why the hell he would leave her with his patient, open. In the first place, he was the one requested by this VIP even though she felt angry. And jealous because CT is her floor and she is the attending. She debated with Latham about it, he reconsidered, and gave her the case, assisting. She was fine with it since Mr Montero is still Connor's patient. Then he left her in the middle of the anastomosis. But he trusted her to finish the operation. At least he still trusted her to do her surgeries.

She found out that he left because he thought that Robin was in danger, supposedly kidnapped, when it was just a scam for a pretend ransom. It assured her that, in fact, he still loves Robin.

After filing her surgical notes, she felt Connor eyes on her, throwing daggers at her. She didn't know what it was he got mad about though she vaguely felt that he thought she had something to do with the scam. She didn't know the details of what exactly happened, how the "kidnappers" even got his number and knew his bank. She just felt his angry looks whenever she passed by. If it was for money, she never wanted any. She never asked Connor to buy her anything. She's too proud for that. She also didn't want to be left in the OR when it was his patient on the table. Although she knew that he still loves Robin, Ava wouldn't do something as drastic to get his attention.

She finally has something to celebrate tonight. She had her final HIV test and she is clear. She told Connor that and in a very bold move, she told him it was his fault that she got cut. She doesn't mean it. She just said it because he was mad she persuaded Latham to switch. So tonight, she finally opens the bottle of Yamazaki 18 and drinks to her heart's content.

Damn! This is really good, she thinks.

She doesn't even know that she passes out on the couch. She thinks that what she's seeing is happening right in front of her eyes. He's back and he's in Chicago.

It is a little after 10pm and Ava still has some homework to finish. Med school is not as glamourous as they told her. And she's too young for this. She's only 19 and already in her third year. How many levels did she skip again? As she closes the textbook she has just finished, there is a knock on her door. It must be Calum, her boyfriend.

She lets him in and tells him that he cannot stay long.

It's the weekend, he tells her. The gang is ready to party.

I still have homework to do, she replies.

How she ended up in a schoolmate's house, she has no idea. The only thing she remembers is that the eggnog and daiquiri are awesome. She may have drunk too much. She doesn't even remember how she got home.

Or being in Calum's dorm, naked.

She bolts up causing Calum to wake.

Hey darling, he muses sleepily. Had a fun night?

She stands up and looks for her clothes. She hears him telling her that it was a perfect night, that she was perfect through it all. Just like always. She runs to the door, breathing hard and fast. She has sworn to herself that what happened with Uncle will never happen again. But Calum did it to her. She knows because she feels it in every step she takes.

She doesn't understand why she stays with him for four more months. What happened after that party, happened several more times, sometimes when she is awake and pleading with him to stop. He always tells her she's perfect as he does it which will make her think that she is. So she stops fighting and surrenders. She needs to be perfect. She wants to show her parents she is perfect, that there is nothing wrong with her.

The last time that Calum brings her to his bed, she points a scalpel at him. She tells him that if she is perfect, she will draw a perfect cut around his throat.

She leaves him with his mouth open in horror.

The moment she graduates, she applies to Groote Schuur Hospital for her CT residency.

Ava doesn't know how her throw pillows end up with slashes on them. She looks at her hand and sees that she is holding one of her Takahara knives. She doesn't even know how she ended up with it. She goes to her kitchen to return the knife. The kitchen is clear and nothing seems to be disturbed. The only sight there is to see is the open drawer where she keeps her knives. After placing back the one she is holding, she closes the drawer and backs onto the counter. She breaks down and just cries.

Ava looks at her thighs. There are barely visible scars on them, scars that she made after the encounter with Uncle. She repeats it again after the first time Calum brought her to his bed without her knowledge. And every time thereafter. He doesn't even notice them, just always told her she's perfect. And she is. Her sutures are equilateral. The valve replacements she made are always intact. She hasn't made a mistake in diagnosis yet.

Until she sees Calum in the Internal Medicine Department.

She almost loses the patient they were treating because her thoughts were on her ex. She knows she didn't tell him she would be here. She becomes distracted but she actually is building walls. As the days pass, she begins to learn how to defend herself through words. Her colleagues notice the change and they distance themselves from her. It is alright with her as she never wants to be touched again.

She uses downtimes to look for fellowship openings Stateside. New York has great hospitals as has Los Angeles. But if she wants to escape, it shall be somewhere that no one will suspect she will go. She finds one after a month of searching but the Chief of CT, a Dr Isidore Latham, says that his predecessor had already chosen the new fellow though he likes her credentials more. He will email her the moment that another opportunity opens.

She waits for nearly a year. When she receives the fateful email, she packs her bags and leaves Cape Town for Chicago.

She doesn't understand what is happening to her. Connor was right. She needs help but who will she ask for help? She can ask for Dr Charles' help but his plate is full for now because of Caroline. She is not close to anyone but Connor, the only person she trusts. And he is indisposed at the moment. She wants to be noticed. She wants to be helped.

She already had help before, when her parents saw the scars on her thighs. She told them what happened but they didn't believe her. She wanted their help. They sent her to a doctor instead but he didn't help her at all. He just asked her some questions and even blamed her for what happened. That's when her dream of becoming a physician emerges again, the dream that Uncle tainted. She swore she would never be that kind of doctor. She would be a doctor who actually helps people, treats their wounds.

She isn't to be believed. That seems to be the trend. She doesn't need help. She can manage it, just like she has after Connor broke up with her. She is perfect and that's all she needs to know.

She's scared of going to sleep now. Her nightmares just transitioned to night terrors.