An hour after Caroline returned from lunch with Judith, Helen knocked on Caroline's closed office door. She paused, listening to confirm her boss wasn't talking on her mobile before cracking the door open and popping her head in.
"It's the police on line one. It sounds rather urgent," Helen said by way of explanation for disturbing her boss, who'd given instructions not to be interrupted. Helen, who'd become an even bigger fan of the flamboyant author after her riveting appearance at the school a few months ago, was grateful for the excuse to check in on her boss; Caroline had been inscrutable about the lunch meeting with Judith in the days leading up to it, and she was disappointed Caroline hadn't shared any details afterward.
She watched as Caroline swiftly picked up the call. Spying some tantalisingly handwritten notes on the desk, Helen tried to read them upside down, disappointed by the well-manicured hand that quickly covered them. The only words the nosey secretary could make out were pros, cons, Vikings, and distrust, none of which made any sense and made her more curious than she was before she entered.
"This is Dr. McKenzie-Dawson," Caroline announced crisply into the phone, nodding her head as a cue to Helen to return to the other side of the door.
"It's Cheryl," the caller nervously began. Caroline took her glasses off and pinched the bridge of her nose, feeling the start of a headache.
"What can I do for you, Officer?" Caroline inquired, not in the mood for small talk and more than a little disappointed it wasn't Sergeant Cawood on the other end of the line.
"It's about one of your students. Thought you should be brought into the loop right away," the copper said, trying to strike a tone that would give her more gravitas with the classy head teacher she admired.
"One of my students?" Caroline assumed some enterprising kid was caught selling dope or something equally stupid.
"Peter Dalton. His mum was in a car accident and is in ED. Social Services lists her son as the sole dependent. No father in the picture."
"The Emergency Department. Christ!" Caroline dropped her face into her hand for a moment, thinking of Flora losing her own mum, before regrouping. "Is…is she…going to recover?"
"Yeah, the doctors say so, but she'll be at least a week in hospital after surgery, and then maybe a month in rehab."
"Peter is on an accessibility plan. His mother seemed overwrought dealing with his autism on even the best of days, but this..."
"Social Services is on their way to you to collect him. Thought you should know."
"Thank you for the courtesy…again," Caroline said as she wrote a quick note a note for Helen to speak with Peter's teacher. "We'll help get him sorted." The thought of Flora in that situation flashed through her mind and her blood froze for a moment. She breathed out slowly to calm herself, trying to step back into the comforting distance of her professional role. "If there's anything you hear we can do for his mum please let me know immediately."
While she waited for Social Services to arrive, she texted Gillian. She hadn't meant to let so much time pass after lunch before calling her, but she had needed to organise her own thoughts about Judith's proposal first.
We have an emergency with a student. I might be a bit late. Would you mind getting Flora ready for Greg to pick her up? I'll do my best to be home in time to give her a hug goodbye but doubt I'll make it.
Gillian had been glued to her phone all afternoon, dying of curiosity, but not wanting to reach out first and show the chink in her armour. Instead, she'd chewed the inside of her cheek raw and shouted at an obstinate gate that was refusing to be easily fixed.
Yep. You okay? Anything I can do?
Caroline instantly read between the lines and knew what she was asking but didn't want to get into it in a text.
Exhausted. It's been a week and it's not ending anytime soon.
Growing more desperate for details about her lunch, Gillian doubled down.
What do you want to do about dinner? I can cook or did you have a big lunch?
Caroline looked out the window and saw the van they'd been waiting for trying to park.
Anything will be fine. I had an overpriced salad. Fill you in later. Sorry, got to go. Love you.
Peter's situation consumed the rest of the afternoon, leaving Caroline no time to reflect further on Judith's offer and prepare what she wanted to say to Gillian about it until she was in her Jag on her way home. She nervously tapped her fingers on the steering wheel, trying to decide what to say; she was upset enough and the last thing she needed was to have Gillian upset, too.
Flora had already left with Greg for the weekend by the time Caroline arrived home. Walking into the kitchen, the sight of Gillian pouring her a glass of chilled white wine, with a charcuterie plate waiting, was a welcome one. She dumped her bag and keys on the table, temporarily ignored the wine and walked straight up to Gillian, pulling her into a lingering, tired hug.
"That good?" Gillian held on with one arm, as she stretched to set the wine bottle on the bench so she could properly comfort her. She'd been itching to see Caroline after the lunch, to hear how it went, to watch how Caroline reacted, but Caroline needing her like this was a good sign. She started to relax a little into the hug, the tension remaining in her body but at least her jaw no longer had muscle spasms.
Caroline sighed. "The word 'shit' doesn't begin to cover it," she explained, burying her head in Gillian's neck, breathing in the scent she knew would calm her. After a minute, she released Gillian from her grasp and sat heavily on the nearest chair.
Over their first glass, she filled Gillian in about Cheryl's call and Peter's sad situation. Over their second glass, they talked about how lucky Gillian was to have her father's support and help with Raff. Gillian admitted she didn't know what she would have done had Raff been autistic and she'd been alone while grappling with that and struggling to pay the bills.
They finished the bottle while Caroline gingerly filled Gillian in on her lunch with Judith. Caroline nervously picked at the nibbles, unsettled by Gillian's unexpected reticence.
When she finally did speak, she pushed her plate away from her as though she was clearing the decks to make room for her thoughts. "So, it's true then."
"What?" asked Caroline as she rose to put their plates in the sink.
"That bad things happen in threes: first the fire, then Peter, and now Judith's rearing her ugly head again." Caroline turned round to face Gillian, to watch the expression on her face as she'd never quite heard her use this tone of voice before.
"Isn't the saying that it's deaths that come in threes? I don't think anyone's died, have they?" Caroline turned back to rinse her hands and picked up the tea towel to dry them. She knew that pointing out Judith is far from ugly would not serve her well at the moment so she let that hit the floor.
"You know she fancies you. If this is Judith's elaborate scheme to shag you..." Gillian's voice drifted off, the old habit of too many worrying possibilities flitting through her head, before she remembered Caroline wasn't like that. She grinned, turning it into a laugh.
Caroline turned to face her and was relieved to see a teasing glint in her lover's eyes. "Oh, let's go watch some telly," Caroline suggested as she threw the dish towel at her. "Can you find a movie while I make us some tea?"
"Yup. I know just the one. How about Indecent Proposal?" In response to the dirty look Caroline flashed her, Gillian deadpanned, "What? I know how you love Demi Moore."
After the disco and their recommencement of shenanigans, they would go out for real 'date nights' when Flora was with Greg. Every second week was a grand adventure at first, but as time had moved on and their foundation had grown more solid, Gillian and Caroline preferred to reconnect by staying home, cooking a special meal together, and cuddling in front of the fire. In doing so, they maximised their freedom to flirt and tease and share whatever came naturally without having to worry about little ears tuning in. The simplicity of the first time they abandoned cooking by sharing little more than a charcuterie platter for a Friday night dinner evoked memories of their early physical connection in Barcelona, such happy memories they enjoyed revisiting at every opportunity, deepening and renewing their connection each time. Gillian's attempt to recreate that magic wasn't lost on Caroline.
On this night, however, the silence after their discussion over dinner was almost deafening; they talked very little through To Catch a Thief, although it hadn't taken long for Caroline to get Gillian's pointed choice of film as she watched her lover completely captivated by the posh blonde playing games with other people on the screen. They were each still lost in their own thoughts as they tumbled into bed together, clad in flannel pjs to keep away the seasonal chill in the draughty old farmhouse.
They spooned together and pondered how Peter and his mum were faring as they fell asleep; it was a safe topic that didn't impede their late-night brandy from helping them nod off. Despite this, each had a restless night, tossing and turning while trying to not disturb the other.
By three am, Caroline's voice finally cut through the dark solitude. "You awake?"
"Yeah. Thought you were asleep," Gillian quickly responded.
"Can't sleep. You?" Caroline turned to look at Gillian, now that she could move without fear of waking her partner.
"Same. You okay?" Gillian rolled over to face Caroline, carefully avoiding the canyon of cool sheets between them, clutching the duvet tightly over her shoulders.
"Not really. When you suggested we watch Indecent Proposal, were you trying to tell me I'd be prostituting myself if I agreed?" Caroline tried to see Gillian's eyes but the room was too dark.
"No! Why would you think that?" Gillian clasped her pillow a little defensively.
"Maybe because it feels like I would be." Caroline reached across and brushed the hair off Gillian's face and blinked a couple of times, unsuccessfully trying once again to read Gillian's expression.
"Seriously? I was just pulling your leg." Gillian gently reached across the divide, landing on her upper arm and sliding down it in search of Caroline's hand. She clasped it loosely as she waited for Caroline to say something, readying herself to apologise further if Caroline didn't speak.
"The choice of Grace Kelly in her most manipulative role didn't escape me either," Caroline added somewhat defensively.
Gillian twitched. She knew Caroline would get the jibe but simultaneously hoped it would pass under her radar and not come back to bite her.
A quiet sigh involuntarily escaped Caroline's lips. "It's a lot of money and it would mean the rebuild could start right away. Plus having her name on the library or gym could remind the students they matter. But the personal cost of it..."
"It's a couple of posh lunches in public places. Can't be that bad?" Gillian was trying to be more supportive than she felt. "Make the most of it and go for the lobster next time."
Appreciative of Gillian's supportive attempt to lighten the conversation, Caroline moved her hand to thread their fingers together, imagining she could see them despite the dark cover of the night. "I was John's muse for most of our life together. I'm not sure I could do that again. And it's too much to ask of you."
"I hated her for what she did to your family but we wouldn't be here now if she hadn't. And then there's her almost causing me to lose Robbie." Gillian sighed before muttering, "But maybe that wouldn't have been such a bad thing in retrospect." She smiled ruefully. "Still, I have to admit Judith was kinda fun at the family gatherings back when she was with John. It's just that…" She released Caroline's hand and rolled onto her stomach while still looking towards the dark shape of Caroline lying next to her.
"It's just that what?" Even in the dark, the defensive position Gillian had assumed wasn't lost on Caroline.
"I guess deep down my insecurity makes me worry she'll charm you into falling in love with her, like Richard Gere did to Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman." Gillian blinked back tears that came from out of nowhere. She was thankful Caroline couldn't see her brush them away.
"Too late. I'm already in love, but I wouldn't mind having Julia Roberts' body." Caroline unconsciously straightened her pj top and pulled it down over her belly and hips.
"Really? Too skinny for me. All skin and bones sticking out the place. Looks unhealthy, like she needs a decent dinner." Gillian reached out and ran her hand lovingly over Caroline's soft curves. "Now this, this is lush, ripe. Besides, you know I like 'em strong."
"You know what I meant—I'd like to be...fitter…for you," Caroline admitted honestly as she started to gently rub Gillian's back.
Gillian smiled cheekily. "What you mean is, you'd like to be younger and more agile."
Caroline chuckled ruefully. "Well there is that. Are we done talking about movies now?"
"Yes, but you're forgetting this farmer's getting old bones too, so you're perfect as you are."
Caroline smiled with the compliment and waited to see if Gillian would say anything more. When she didn't, Caroline picked up the loose conversation thread. "You have nothing to worry about. Judith holds no mystery or allure for me."
"We're so different. Sometimes I wonder what you see in me."
Caroline knew she was serious by the flatness she could hear in Gillian's voice. As she searched for words of reassurance, Gillian filled in the silence.
"Seriously. You know all my secrets. My…transgressions. And yet you're here with me. You invited me into your bed, into your life. Just the John thing alone…". She grimaced, relieved Caroline couldn't witness the guilt that would have been obvious but for the cover of darkness.
"I know we don't make sense to my mum, but I thought we did to each other," Caroline continued. "I told Judith today I'm as good as married and I meant that." The reassurance came out easier than it might have had the lights been on.
"But why? And how do we know it's going to last?" Gillian rolled back onto her side again. Before she had a chance to reach out for Caroline's hand, she felt soft fingertips begin to stroke her cheek.
"If I've learned one thing from losing Kate, there is no guarantee anything will last. But that situation didn't give either of us any choice. As long as I have a choice, I choose you," she said quietly but firmly before leaning in to kiss Gillian's lips. "Based upon the strength of our yesterdays, and the promises of our tomorrows, I can't see a time when I won't choose you. As for the todays, I don't want to share them with anyone else, anywhere else." She pulled back as though she was able to see Gillian, wanting to see if her words reached in and satisfied the need for reassurance in her.
"That's pretty articulate for three in the morning. What if I screw up?" Gillian reached out to take Caroline's hand in hers.
"I trust you. I guess the question is, do you trust me?"
"More than anyone ever before." Gillian was left relieved yet winded by her admission.
Caroline shifted closer to Gillian, pulling her into a hug, the kind you give someone who needs to feel the warmth of human connection but with no hidden agenda. While the hug continued, silence reigned until Gillian found her footing again.
"I don't see how you can say no. I know you. You'd do anything for those kids. We'll be okay."
While she wasn't fully confident she could withstand the angst she'd sustain in supporting Caroline, she never wanted to be the one to stand in her way of doing what she needed to do.
The frost was thick on the ground and crunched under her feet as Gillian headed out to her flock as first light stumbled over the crest of the hill. Tired from lack of sleep, the cold, crisp air helped wake her. She'd only managed about a few hours sleep after their heart-to-heart talk because so many of Caroline's words kept rumbling about in her head, like how Caroline wanted to be perfect for her. She wondered what she'd have to do to prove to her she was all she needed. Now, moving among her flock in the growing daylight, Gillian's focus turned to the phrase "as good as married." She was surprised she didn't feel claustrophobic at the thought. She realised she didn't want to run from it, but at the same time, she didn't want to run toward it. By the time the frost had disappeared she decided to leave the comment in the shadows where the most stubborn frost remained; not to be mentioned until Caroline broached it again.
When Caroline finally woke, hours after the sun, she was alone in bed. She understood Gillian's need to get to the flock early but she still hated waking up to a cold space where her partner should be, especially on the weekend mornings Flora was at Greg's. She hadn't felt that way with John; she'd often escaped the bed before he woke. Instead, it was a luxury she'd enjoyed with Kate. Deep down, she longed for the day Gillian would no longer have her sheep and they could revel in a good and proper lie in, although she suspected Gillian was always going to be an early riser. She smiled to herself as the realisation dawned on her that she was looking ahead to her life with Gillian. She needed Gillian to understand she was all Caroline wanted.
Caroline tried to fall back to sleep but after a while, gave up the quest and kicked the covers off as she reached for her iPad to check for an update about Peter. Finding no news about the young lad, she looked up at Kate's hanging plant and macrame holder. It dawned on her that she might need to replant it if it was root bound. She was amazed she'd kept the plant alive all these years. She hadn't really given it much thought since Gillian took up residence and she decided to move it into Flora's room. She felt like it was time to make way for more of Gillian's things.
Finally hearing movement in the kitchen, she rose from the bed and went in search of Gillian. Gillian, hearing the movement upstairs, moved toward the stair case to ask if Caroline wanted coffee or tea. The familiar smell of the outside air on the shepherdess greeted Caroline before she reached the last step and moved into Gillian's embrace. Her clothes also bore the coldness of from the outside and it crept through Caroline's flannel pyjamas to her chest, making some of her more sensitive parts stand at attention.
"Let's get a warm breakfast in you," Caroline said as she took Gillian's hand and lead her to the kitchen. "Sit and I'll be your cook. What would you like?"
"Is it too late for breakfast in bed?"