Chapter 7: A Academician's Devotion (Alphinaud)
He hadn't meant to snap at his sister like that. But hearing her talk about the clear hopelessness of their situation cut deep as a knife and he couldn't remain silent any longer. He snapped at her without thinking and he knew that he had hit a raw nerve when she went marching out of the room like how she did.
He knew that she was just as upset about all of this as he was, but he also knew that snapping at each other wasn't going to help anyone. Guilt seized hold of his heart and though he tried to call out to his sister to apologize, the door had already slammed shut behind her.
Rejected and angry, it was all he could do to sit there and hold onto his friend's hand to keep himself together. Yet the second that he did so the full weight of the seemingly impossible task seemed to hit him over the head like a gigas's club.
He must have looked through hundreds upon hundreds of books throughout the Cabinet and every time he saw words such as 'cure' or 'light' his heart would skip a beat… only for him to realize that they had gotten his hopes up for nothing. He had wanted to tear his hair out from frustration, having long since lost count of the countless hours he spent searching through them in vain.
Claire still hadn't awoken from her coma and he had been wondering if she ever will again. Will next she opened her eyes would they see the black, emptiness that belonged to a sin eater? The idea sent a wave of cold despair through him and he had to focus on something else before he broke down completely.
He looked down at her sleeping face, who looked so peaceful for once that it was as if she was just resting comfortably before another of her grand adventures. He reached out and gently tucked a lock of her hair, which until recently had been the prettiest shade of pink, was now so white that it practically glowed in the dark.
Thought that really wasn't too surprising now that he thought of it.
His thumb paused there over her cheek, realizing just how cold and clammy she was. He felt a strong surge of protectiveness wash through him at the sight of seeing her lying here and knew that he would do anything he could see her awaken to a brighter future.
She had been the one constant support that he knew he could always rely on… the one person he could always looked to for help… he was only sorry that he took it for granted sometimes.
He vowed that if they could save her from this then he would do all in his power to make it up to her and let her know just how much he treasured having her hear with them.
He started talking to her again, just about random facts that he knew, or how he jokingly stated that she should tell him more about some of her many adventures with him when she woke up so that he could learn more of the kind of trouble she gets herself into when she isn't at the Rising Stones. He didn't know if she could hear him but it made him feel better to think that she was aware of him there at some point.
Yet there was no denying how scared he was. He was no longer that spoiled lordling who thought only of glory of bringing peace to Eorzea so he wasn't too proud to admit that he was afraid, and he wasn't going to try and pretend otherwise.
Alphinaud was fully aware how much they depended on her and just how much they put her through on a daily basis for the sake of keeping these fragmented worlds together instead of falling apart at the seams. But after all the pain and suffering, despite all the countless steps forced to take or of the never-ending fighting, he could see just what a toll that it was taken upon her.
Thinking about it all now was enough to make him want nothing more than to send her back to the Source to recover… only to remember that the Source was just as dangerous there at the moment. He even entertained the idea of just keeping her inside the tower until the world could become safe for her… but even if she did take kindly to that, he knew that it could never hope to grow peaceful so long as she was not there.
He could remember that awful letter he wrote moons ago, having convinced himself that how he felt didn't matter so long as he knew that she was alive and well. That was all that he truly wanted for her. To be free to go where she wanted and not have to feel pressured into saving the world on a daily basis.
He constantly worried for her whenever she wasn't around… but to face up to the idea that they could lose her while she was lying there in front of them?
It was worse than anything else that he could imagine. Was there no other way that he could help? If only he could carry all that Light when it was too much for her to take in?
He regretted losing his temper with his sister. He knew better than anyone that they needed each other now more than ever and they needed to stand together if they hoped to find a way out of this mess. He also knew Claire well enough that it would have upset her to see them fight anyway.
But, in truth, he also knew that Alisaie was right.
He was feeling lost and scared, as though he were a child who got separated from his parents in a big crowd and didn't know his way home. He had been praying to every deity that he could for a miracle, to give him just a clue that they could use to help their friend. But with each passing day, he had all but lost hope of finding that miracle in time. And during those few hours where he was so tired that he dozed off, he was plagued with nightmares of what kind of sin eater she would become? Usually they ended with him sitting bolt upright, covered in sweat and his face sticking to whatever book he had been using as a pillow until then.
Even now, he could feel the pull of sleep trying to seize him and he had to shake his head to try and resist it. He didn't want to sleep again, fighting the urge for his body to give in and rest for a time, dreading the return of those nightmares.
He fought a yawn as his traitorous eyelids fought for control. He had to stay up… just a little longer. The six of them were the only ones aware of what was going on and so it was up to them to find a way to help…? But his head was growing heavier and heavier as he felt his vision beginning to fade in and out. Perhaps hearing Alisaie's words, who was always the last person to ever talk about hopelessness, was what was bringing down the weight of exhaustion down upon him.
He slowly leaned forward until he was laying his head on the side of the bed, still holding her hand, and wondered that he could just doze here…? Surely that would be alright for just a few minutes? At that thought, his body gave in and he felt himself drifting off to sleep.
*Dream*
He was standing within a dark place and was staring around him in confusion to where he was. He stumbled about, trying to figure out how he got here when he saw something white flash out of the corner of his eye. He turned at once and saw her standing there before him… the Warrior of Light.
She was looking at him with heart-breaking sad eyes while her hair was still that shocking white color. The whole appearance made her look washed out and exhausted… but still there was that faint smile on her lips as she reached out to him. He immediately began to try and run to her, his fondness growing with every step until it blazed bright like a raging fire inside his breast.
She was one of the most important people in his life and he couldn't just let go of her. He thought back to when they first met and felt only gratitude to the gods for guiding her onto his path… or was it him being guided to her? He didn't know nor care. All he cared about was that he couldn't and wouldn't let her go.
She could handle this… at least until the answer came to them. She always had before…?
'But that wasn't true was it?' asked the nasty voice in the back of his mind that made him pause.
He could see it though often pretended not to notice… but he could see just how she had changed since then. He could see it in her eyes, just how weary they became, could see it in the way she walks as if there was a great weight upon her back. Much like…?
He blinked at the similarities as he realized that it was just like with Emet-Selch?
Mayhaps Emet-Selch knew what was happening from the beginning? Was that why he chose to make himself known to them? He wasn't sure what to think. All he did now was that his friend wasn't herself… she hadn't been for a long time now.
Her face grew more and more haunted, as if a terrible pain was etched into the very skin itself. This same pain that was now trying to break him apart.
He tried to think back to those countless battles, tried to remember where that pain became plain to see? But he was having a hard time trying to sort out the memories after all that had happened. All he knew was that it had been there for a while and that he was powerless to stop it from growing worse.
With every adventure they went through, the more… distant she seemed to become. He would try to reach out and take her hand but it always felt like it was slipping away from her… the distance between them growing ever larger with every passing day. At this rate, he feared that she would be so far gone that trying to reach her would be impossible.
He had done his best to make sure she was comfortable during her period of rest, where it was actually one of the few times that he could ever remember seeing her let down her guard. But it would only be a matter of time before she left and the gap would be so far between them that he would lose her… forever.
The Warrior of Darkness slowly turned and he could see the tears falling from her eyes as her body shook and trembled.
She staggered towards him and he instinctively held out his arms to catch her as she collapsed against him, her body glowing ever brighter with each second. He held her close as he tried to think, to sort out how this could all be happening at once.
She let out a soft cry of pain and her face was suddenly screwed up in agony as silver blood dripped past her lips and her eyes grew darker and darker.
"No… no, no, no, NO!" he screamed as he held on tightly, not ever wanting to let go as she held onto him back, her hands shaking as they suddenly turned ghastly white and as hard as stone. She was transforming right in front of him and there was nothing that he could do to help.
He stared at her face, his mind completely blank, as the beautiful face that he grew to memorize as well as his own suddenly changed before him and his eyes were filled with the images of bright white feathers.
"No…" he croaked out in despair as a blade, as radiate as the sun itself, suddenly rose up from her hands and he knew no more.
*End of Dream*
He sat up and stared around him in shock, started by the sudden darkness around them. He blinked a couple times before he realized that all the lamps and lights had been turned off and drapes had been placed over the closed shutters to keep out as much light as possible.
"Are you alright?"
He looked back to in front of him to see that Alisaie was there, thus solving the mysterious of who darkened the room. She had crawled up onto the bed, closest to the wall, and was curled up at Claire's side as their friend slept on. Her head was tucked close to Claire's shoulder and she was holding her hand just as he was doing as well, as if afraid that she would fall away if she let go.
She looked as tired as he felt, judging from the dark shadows that appeared under her eyes and the sad expression she was giving him. No, not just sad… she looked weary and judging from the way that her eyes were staring into his he realized that he must not look any better. He just let the tears fall just as she let hers out and he reached out to grab hold of her other hand just as she reached for his.
This was so hard… and though they were still searching for hope, it was like trying to find it in this darkened room and just waiting for the light to come in.
"I'm staying here for the night," she said as she laid her head back down next to Claire's shoulder and just held on tightly to her arm. "I don't want to leave her… or you, tonight."
He couldn't find a reason to say no to that. He knew how she felt and just nodded as he wiped his tears away and stood up. He moved to squeeze onto the bed with both women, never letting go of either of them as he did until he tucked himself onto Claire's other side and mirrored his twins movements. It was very lucky that the bed was so large that there was more than enough room for all three of them and Alphinaud felt himself truly at peace for the first time in a long time.
His eyes slowly closed as he fell back into the peaceful bliss of sleep—thankfully voided of dreams this time around.
But little did he know was that he wasn't the one to be having the dreams this time…
*Dream*
Light was all she could see around her. Just more and more of that hateful light that was burning her body. She just felt true weariness down to her very soul and a full numbness over every part her that it was like thousands of needles were piercing her skin. She was so tired though and could only close her eyes and fall even deeper into the light. She would then drift in and out of consciousness during this time, but that light never left her.
It was as if she had been set adrift in an ocean of solid light and knew not which way was up or down. Most of the time she would slumber away, finding herself oddly comfortable in this seemingly endless sea of light but then occasionally, something would stir her into waking for at least a short time. She wasn't sure what it was that would disturb her slumber; but she could have sworn that it was because she heard someone whispering her name in her ear.
"There you are…" Claire whispered wearily, this time finally recognizing the voice when it appeared again.
"Now, now," Fray cooed as she continued to drift. "Is that anyway you wish to think of a friend?"
"Who?" Claire asked, trying to remember, but her mind was so muddled that she couldn't focus. She couldn't think.
"Can't think? Or don't want to remember?"
"You've been gone all this time and only now do you appear to tell me off?" Claire said wearily, closing her eyes again, wanting to drift back off into peaceful oblivion and block out the taunts that Fray would whisper.
"I mean, what is it with you?" she sighed and Claire forced opened her eyes to see her own face looking right back at her. But she was garbed in her dark armor once again, her own smile mischievous… if a little sad.
"Not that I blame you, of course," Fray sighed, "After all, memories can bring even the strongest to their knees. Remembering is so dangerous."
Fray leaned forward and rested her head against her chest as they continued to fall back into this seemingly perfect space of nothingness.
"What are you trying to do?" Claire asked dully, closing her eyes again but finding a strange comfort from Fray's weight.
"Is my company suddenly so unwelcomed?" she asked.
"You've been missing," Claire reminded her.
"Only because you haven't been listening to what's going on around you," Fray countered. "It's strange how memories can work though, isn't it? One moment you are reliving a happy moment that is enough to warm your heart and remind you that there is good in the world... the next moment, however...? You are in a place you don't want to ever see again. And you have your fair share of memories you don't want to see again, don't you?"
Claire's eyes tightened as flashes of the past began to play themselves over behind her closed eyelids.
"But what we have to ask ourselves, where would we be without them?" Fray questioned suddenly curious.
"I'm not sure I understand," Claire said, now growing irritated along with her weariness.
"Because I know you," Fray sighed. "You have to keep pretending that life still makes sense, that there's some point to all the pain and struggling. You keep pushing yourself into believing that you and only you can solve the problems this world faces. In fact, I think that you have started to believe that even though we both know that's far from true. Just like that ruby-eyed scholar friend of ours."
"G'raha..." Claire whispered, feeling tears in her eyes. How? How could he be here? What was going on? He had a plan for her all along, and he meant to die in her place? Why? Though she had suspected it was him, she couldn't for the life of her figure out how any of this was possible?
"Well, you won't figure that out by sleeping here," Fray said and she felt her head moving back and Claire looked to see herself so close they were almost nose-to-nose.
"So when the time comes that you find yourself lost," she whispered, "Where you are going someplace cold and dark where the guilt of the past as well as the audience of screams in your ear are unbearable, remember where you came from."
"How will more memories help me?" she asked as Fray grinned back, clearly enjoying this.
"Because what else do we have to go on? Warrior of Darkness…"
She blinked and suddenly she was all alone again.
Or so she thought… for she could hear the beating of wings once again.
No… not again… not that thing again!
But her wish was ignored when the armored figure appeared before her once again. The sin eater in the shining armor and enormous wings that had been haunting her dreams for weeks now was back.
The sin eater reached out and grabbed hold of her tightly, holding her in its cold arms and Claire felt as if she were trapped in a vice. She struggled and pulled but was unable to break the grip.
"Look at me..." the sin eater said again, her armored gauntlet now squeezing her face painfully as she seemed to be forcing her this time into paying attention this time.
And, at long last, Claire felt her eyes open and she looked directly back into those empty eyes—no wait—they weren't empty. There was still some life left in those eyes... eyes she knew so well... for they were her own.
And suddenly she understood.
This sin eater... it was her.
Or rather, what was lurking inside her from that concentration of light that had been gathered.
"I am Benevolence," the sin eater said in that same beautiful voice. "I am what you are destined to become."
"N-No..." she croaked, trying to fight, to push the eater away. She was exhausted and broken in pieces just barely being held together by the finest of threads.
It would be so easy to give in...?
"Farewell..." Benevolence whispered and she felt the armored fist finally release her windpipe and she began falling once more. Claire closed her eyes... no longer willing to fight it any longer. She was drifting away into the light… perhaps… for good this time.
But before she felt herself fade completely, she felt a hand reach out and grab hold of her wrist and roughly pulled her back.
"Hey! Wake up! Now's not the time to take a nap!"
She knew that voice...?
Her eyes opened and her head jerked upwards when she realized she could see clearly once more. Immediately, she was focusing upon the figure who was pulling her back upwards and she felt her eyes widen in shock.
It was Branden.
She stared as the Knight of Voebert beamed at her.
"Now's not the time for sleeping," he scolded again lightly and with a great heave, he pulled her up right up and over his head and she instinctively twisted her body around to land on her feet. But her body was still screaming in protest and she stumbled before falling to her knees, still exhausted and fighting the urge to rest when she felt a healing hand besides her and she looked to her side to see Lamitt standing there.
"You'll be ok," she reassured and suddenly her body was filled with new energy and she could move again.
"You...?" Claire said, staggering to her feet and looking around her.
Standing beside her, even with the seething anger brimming from Benevolence so thick that it felt like stones weighing her down, were the four other Warriors of Light of the First. All of them just as they should have been... as she had seen them in those many memories.
"How...?" Claire gasped as she looked around at them all in bafflement.
"You didn't think that we'd let you have all the fun?" Renda-Rae teased with a friendly wink. "We heard you crying out through the light. And so we came when you called."
"That... I... called?" she repeated slowly, her mind still foggy.
Branden stood directly in front of her as he held up his shield and blocked the attack from Benevolence while Lamitt's staff began to glow. She offered her powers to Renda-Rae, whose arrow began to glow, and she fired with perfect aim, piercing a piece of Benevolence's armor. It shrieked and fell back until Nyelbert's spell finished casting and the eater was knocked to the ground with a crash.
"Stay sharp!" Lamitt yelled in warning, "We just tripped it up! It'll be up again before long!"
"Aye!" Renda-Rae agreed before turning back to Claire. "Now's your chance! You must leave here now while we have it distracted. If it catches you then all would have been for naught!"
"But... but how...? I don't...?" Claire said, not sure if she was just dreaming or...?
But then the answer came to her as she remembered what she had been carrying around.
"The crystals...!" she gasped as the images of those dead and broken crystals came back to mind.
"A fragment of ourselves remained within the crystals you have collected!" Branden called from the front, never taking his eyes off the sin eater as he acted the part of a living, solid wall. "And so we are taking that opportunity to answer your call for aid!"
"You risked much and more to save us from our own nightmares," Renda-Rae said to her cheerfully, her bow back in her hands as she faced up against the sin eater. "Allow us to repay the favor!"
Without warning, Nyelbert grabbed Claire by the arm and pulled her roughly back. She looked up into his face, though she could only see his one eye due to his face being covered as he whispered, "You did what I could not and saved my best friend. This is the least that I can do to."
His head then jerked his head up in time as the sin eater launched another attack at them.
But he was ready and forced Claire behind him before he fired another spell. The two forces collided in midair and exploded; she could feel the heat as she stared on.
"We will hold it here," Lamitt told her again, her staff still in hand, "We'll keep it distracted while you return to the waking world! Just run as far as you can from here and you will be able to wake up!"
"But understand we cannot hold it back indefinitely," Nyelbert warned. "The bonds holding it here will only grow weaker with every passing moment. But we can help give you as much time as we are able."
"I can't just leave you all here to face it alone!" Claire countered.
"You are needed elsewhere, lass!" Branden yelled, "Don't be stubborn like our leader! Let us help you carry the burden for once!"
"But what will I do when I do get out of here?!" Claire demanded, but it was hard to be heard over Benevolence's shriek.
Of course though, Renda-Rae sharp ears heard her words.
"That is up to you to decide!" she called as she began to launch a barrage of arrows against their foe. "You have come so far but there is still so much farther to go. But you do not have the whole story! If you wish to defeat this foe before it consumes you then you must know everything!"
"What story?!" Claire asked hurriedly.
"You will find out soon," Lamitt added, now sounding annoyed by the questions instead of her just leaving already. "Now hurry up and go! Leave this thing to us! Return and find your friends!"
Claire didn't want to go, but with Benevolence's desperation growing and no weapon of her own with, she knew that she would be of little help right now.
She nodded and turned, beginning to run off in the direct opposite direction of the eater.
"And Claire?"
Claire looked back to see Lamitt still there, smiling warmly but there was sadness shining in her eyes.
Yet it seemed to pass as she gave her a wink and told her, "Take care of our boy for us. He's a handful, but we wouldn't want him any other way."
And suddenly everything faded around her.
*End of Dream*
And Claire's eyes finally opened to her room in the Pendants, completely alone.
No, that wasn't the case. There was someone waiting… and she looked up to the closed window to where the ghostly form of her of her solemn friend stood guard, a silent vigil.
When he heard her stir, he slowly turned to look at her, whispering, "Ah, finally."