Chapter Seven
Nothing is simple. If something ever is - it's a lie, a trick. Don't trust simplicity, always question it.
Jade's last words before we parted ways had been 'just so you know, this wasn't a date. Dinner-date tonight's still on'. Everything with her was so simple. Too simple. If I had been smart about it I would have left Daniel. I should have left him years ago. But I couldn't bring myself to do so. That decision wasn't simple.
But I couldn't seem to get Jade out of my mind, I could sense her long after she'd left my side. Her perfume was still lingering on the collar of my coat, the feeling of her lips pressed against mine. But the tiny army of butterflies stopped doing loops in my stomach as soon as I saw the light blue door entering my field of vision. By default I looked at my phone. It was 15:36. He wasn't going to be home for at least another hour. I relaxed, I felt how my shoulders and my breathing lowered as I walked towards the entrance.
The hallway mirror revealed that my makeup was holding on for dear life. However, it desperately needed a touch-up. I was headed for the bathroom but the longer I stared into the mirror the more hopeless I felt. I grunted at the sight. I couldn't for the life of me understand why we owned so many mirrors?! It was unbelievable how Jade wanted any part of what that mirror reflected back at me. Looking like a tired catholic schoolteacher with a dusty brown, long sleeved turtleneck and a pair of ugly ass, bad fitting, jeans. Self-conscious I began picking loose threads from the hem of my sweater, eyeing myself as I did. In contrast to Jade's appealing body shape and sense of style it was evident, she was way out of my league. Maybe I had been pretty once... once upon a time, a long time ago...
I didn't make it to the bathroom. Feeling defeated I sank down onto the floor where I stood. I pulled my knees close to my chest and rested my chin on them and just stared at myself in the bottom of the mirror. It was a stare-off between me and myself and I already knew who'd loose.
Time passed, I felt it, I just didn't know how much until I heard someone on the other side of the door. My heart stopped. Unable to move I simply stared at the door handle as someone pushed it down. If you wanted to compare me to an animal it would be pretty accurate to picture an antelope on the savanna, freezing in place at the sound of a lion lurking in the tall grass nearby.
Daniel almost tripped over me, "what the hell are you doing on the floor?" He sounded more confused than angry.
I tried to pull myself together. "I just," I stood up, "got stuck here". I forced a smile.
"Sure. If you say so." Daniel leaned in and kissed my cheek. The smell of his metallic perfume, his aftershave... it was so familiar. I couldn't help but loving it. "Go sit in the living room", he whispered with a soft voice against my ear.
I did as I had been told. He seemed to be in a good mood so I expected something nice to happen, the know in my stomach slowly untying.
I heard how he re-opened the door and then proceeded to close it again. He began talking before I could see him, "I just wanted to say that I'm sorry". He entered the living room with a bouquet of flowers in his arms. Pink dahlias. My favourite.
"Daniel, I..." I reached out as he handed me the flowers. I put them safely in my lap after I had buried my face into them and inhaled deeply. I looked down at the flowers... I wasn't sure how to feel about the whole situation.
With a soft hand he turned my face towards him, his thumb gently tracing my cheekbone. He saw the bruise, he must have. I saw in his eyes how sorry he was, how much he was hurting. "Tori, you don't have to say anything." He paused for a second. "I just need you to know how sorry I am."
"I know", I replied and took his hand and held it against my cheek, it was warm.
Silently he reached down into his pocket with his other hand and took out a tiny black box. He took my hand and placed the velvet clad box carefully in my hand. Judging by the look of it it contained some sort of jewellery. Thankfully it was too big for a ring.
"Please open it." Daniel looked with excitement between my face and the box in my hand.
Inside, sleeping on red silk, lay a necklace. A gold necklace with a crystal pendant. It was beautiful. I didn't know what to say. I didn't know how to react.
The silence prompted Daniel to speak, "I didn't know what you wanted, and if you want to change the pendant we can do so, I mean..." His voice trailed off.
My eyes found his, looking at me with warmth. I shook my head, "no, it's perfect." With a puzzled tone I looked at the expensive looking necklace and added, "this must have cost you a fortune".
To which Daniel just smiled and kissed me on my forehead. "You know you deserve the very best."
He was sweet and warm. But something was lurking underneath. I had experienced this situation so many times before, yet somehow, this time was different. It was like visiting your childhood home years later, but this time, it was an abandoned shack. A place that used to contain so many happy memories that had morphed into an ominous place that was nothing like it used to be. A feeling of mistrust and suspicion had begun growing in the back of my brain. I didn't know at the time what it meant. But it was going to change everything.
"Here." Daniel took the necklace from its box and held it up in front of me by the ends.
All I could do was give him a soft smile and place the flowers on the coffee table. I turned around, using one hand to hold up my hair, exposing the back of my neck.
He gently wrapped the piece of jewellery around my neck. I felt a soft kiss on my shoulder and he whispered in my ear, "please, let me take you out for dinner tonight".
If I said no I didn't know what was going to happen. Nor did I know about the consequences of saying yes. It was a game of chance, where either outcome was a loss on my part. Everything I did seemed to be choosing between two evils. I did the only thing I knew how to, simply nodding in response. I looked over my shoulder at Daniel. He's joy and gratefulness was apparent, written all over his face.
"Thanks", he stood up. "I'm just gonna take a shower first." After eyeing me from head to toe he added a bit off-putting, "maybe you could put on something nice".
The words hurt me. But I didn't show it. The critique was something I was used to, nothing to bat a eye over. "Of course." Besides, he was right. I looked like a train wreck.
"I love you". Daniel turned around and walked towards the bathroom.
Alone in the living room this weird feeling was growing inside of me. I wasn't sure how I felt anymore, how I was supposed to feel. Was I meant to be happy, that the Daniel I once loved was back, or at least seemed to be? Was I meant to be scared, because I knew that this was only temporary? I was stuck between a rock and a hard place. Nothing new there.
I reached up and itched the back of my head before my hand found the necklace. My fingers took a hold of the pendant and I began moving it from side to side, feeling the vibrations in the crystal as I dragged it along the delicate chain. After a deep breath I grabbed my phone from my pocket to attempt to compose a text-message. The written words were staring at me from the screen, the black letters on the white background were taunting me. I had to close my eyes as I hit send, as if trying to a avoid witnessing a car crash, and afterwords it felt as if my whole world was shrinking.
I'm sorry, can't make it to dinner.
The bridge I had started to build, away from my isolated island, collapsed into the ocean and disappeared in a cloud of dust and mist from the water. And when looked over towards mainland my escape route was gone.
I was in too deep. I was walking inside of a sewer system, through a long dark tunnel. Sometimes the light of day seeped in through the drains from the streets above. That light was everything, it gave me the strength to continue walking. But mostly the journey was pitch black dark, awfully cold, lonely and scary. And I was like a goldfish, with a memory worse than a fly. When I saw the light I forgot how I got there, what it had cost me. I was stupid, I knew I could leave, climb out through the drains and onto the street. I could join the people above ground, but I didn't. I was self destructive and a horrible person because of it. I was no better than him.
A/N: Glad to hear that you're still with me on this one. So lets keep going, shall we!? Sry about the fact that this one was a shorter chapter!
Have you ever been in an abusive relationship? For your sake I hope you haven't. However, the thing to remember is that it rarely is the physical abuse that is prominent. It's the good things, the love, the belief that you can make them better or that you deserve what is given to you... none of which is true. But it is damn hard to see that when you're all up in it. And once you do... well, the hard part is leaving.