Built For Sin - Too Much, Not Enough

by Phenobarbital

There'd been so many feelings, thoughts and emotions Edward had had to learn to associate with Alphonse, old and new, but the one that seized his chest painfully right then, that made his top lip twitch and curl up in barely restrained anger, was the virile, sharp, stabbing realization of betrayal.

7. Six

- As per the usual, sensitive readers please tread lightly
- Song lyrics in this chapter belong to Meg Myers

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Oh, what it takes out of me to lay by your side.
Oh, well it aches and it aches...

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...you make me wanna die.

---

Alphonse was numb by the time Edward walked out of the room.

He didn't watch Ed go, didn't say a word, didn't even consider following. Although, on some muted, non-reactive level, he felt that he should be begging, pleading and yelling at Ed to...to understand what he'd done and why, to understand how he feels. That everything he'd said and done all along had been born from the intense, genuine need Alphonse felt to be with him, for them to be together properly and...and, no...wait, that...that's not right.

He blinked slowly, staring blankly at the shiny, dark red-brown tiles of the palace room floor as he sat slumped and hunched and unmoving with his back to the side of the bed. Hadn't he already done all that before? Hadn't he already said those things? Hadn't he already used up all the 'buts' and 'becauses' and 'pleases' he could pathetically muster?

He doesn't frown, doesn't outwardly emote at all when he thinks of how ruined everything is, even as he realizes that it's still all mixed up in his head and in his heart; what he wants and what is right and wrong and acceptable and not acceptable. He's probably going to have to keep reminding himself that what he wants is not what he should be doing or what he should be getting.

No. Instead, what he knows, what he actually knows when it comes right down to it, is that how he feels about Ed and what he wanted for them, and all of the actions he'd carried out toward the things he'd wanted, is the reason everything got so fucked up. Because it never mattered that he fell in love with his brother, it never mattered that Ed felt the same –if he ever really did-, the only thing that mattered was that in the eyes of the world it was wrong, them being together romantically, sexually, two siblings, was wrong.

More prevalently, in Ed's eyes, in Ed's way of seeing the world, it was wrong.

It was shameful. Something to be kept a dirty little secret. Ed had never pretended to think of it of any other way.

Things were only ever 'ok' as long as no one could see them, as long as no one ever knew.

Alphonse had known that, and yet he'd still outed them to Ling...

Really, Alphonse should have known it would end this way. He should have known better.

Absently, mostly a blurry afterthought and far too little too late, he figures that before Ed had stormed out, he should have at least attempted to admit to knowing what he'd done was wrong, that he'd known all along, that what he'd forcefully, stubbornly wanted out of coming to Xing was wrong. Wrong, wrong, wrong.

Alphonse couldn't even pretend to himself anymore, not after the colossal fucking mess he'd just made, that it had ever felt truly right. No, it'd felt good and satisfying a lot of times, enough that he'd convinced himself for a while that it had felt right, but in reality, objectively, there had always either been too little or too much in every one of Ed's kisses and touches, because Ed was always either trying too hard or barely trying at all. It had never been just right, not right at all.

He'd tried to bleed it from Ed over and over again, Ed, who was already so barren and used up from giving and giving for Alphonse, and it inevitably backfired. It was too much, too selfish and greedy...telling Ling, had been so, so selfish. He knew.

He also knew that whatever trust had remained within Edward toward him, was now absolutely gone. He'd seen it in the dilated, stunned-wide glare of Ed's eyes boring into his own just minutes ago. And he'd heard it too, in the strained, hard edge in Ed's voice. And Ed's anger hadn't even been about the 'break up', hadn't even been about Alphonse's on again-off again pattern. In fact, Ed had barely reacted to that, he'd only become angry when he'd found out that Al had told Ling.

And of course, that, well, that made sense.

Alphonse, numb as he was, saw the situation far more objectively in the wake of the fallout. Edward's shame over their relationship had always clearly outweighed his actual feelings about their relationship. It wasn't much of a surprise to acknowledge it right then, to objectively consider the ease with which Ed had handled Al telling him he wanted to end it. It was somehow a road that felt more frequently travelled than it actually had been, and the entire scenario of their near constantly volatile, incestuous arrangement had made the 'break up' seem trivial in the end. Alphonse might even have laughed if he were able to muster the energy.

The next thought occurred to him almost automatically; that if he had broken up with Ed under a different circumstance, having never actually told Ling anything, if everything was still a secret just between them, then after a while, Ed would probably have taken him back. As fucked up as it was, that was dynamic they'd developed at some point, without ever stopping to acknowledge it. Ed's mindset had become complacent and acquiescent toward their relationship, yes, but he'd also become desensitized and jaded about it. Hence the reason that if Al pushed hard enough, Edward always gave in. That had pretty much become the general state of their being together. Al could always get what he wanted if he played the right cards, said the right things.

But he knew without a doubt that that would no longer be the case, because in all of that, with all that Al had facilitated and Ed had allowed, all Ed had ever asked was that whatever twisted things they did together, those things were to remain just between them, secret and to be taken to their graves. All Edward had wanted was that no one else would ever know. And with only that singular unyielding condition, Edward had openly given himself, whether he'd really ever wanted to or not.

But it hadn't been enough for Alphonse.

The original problem of him not being able to let 'no' be final had come full circle…to fuck him over.

He sniffed absently, slowly sliding his gaze to the door, the door which was still slightly open...the door through which he'd just let Edward leave without even a sound of protest or apology. Because while he no longer –ever would- regret being intimate with Edward, the point right then, the reason Ed had every right to leave and be as furious and disgusted with Alphonse as he probably was, was because Alphonse had betrayed his confidence and what had been left of his trust.

What very little had been left.

Alphonse sighed slowly and deeply, slumping further down against the side of the bed. His eyes were bone dry and a little sore, and his hands had subsiding their trembling at some point. In the still and quiet of the room filled with the scent of Chenxiang in the incense burner, the atmosphere seemed almost tranquil, as if nothing life changing had just taken place moment ago.

He took a few minutes to take stock of himself, to pull himself together, just sitting there, chewing the inside of his lower lip until he tasted a copperish tang, his mind replaying over the image of Edward's anger and disbelief when Al had confessed that he'd told Ling about them.

He'd intended it to only be a few minutes of bitter, empty self-reflection, but he honestly had no idea how long he was sitting there before the door to the room sounded, sliding open further, Alphonse glancing briefly over to see that it was Ling entering, followed by two servants. Alphonse hadn't even considered it might be Ed, he knew there was no chance of that, and for all that had happened, he found he couldn't meet LIng's eyes, so he kept his gaze downcast as he sniffed and got to his feet.

He wasn't sure why Ling was there right then, but taking notice as the servants began moving around the room, apparently packing up Edward's belongings, Alphonse wondered if Ed had requested such a thing. It still didn't make sense that Ling had come along for that menial task, but through his tired, sluggishly functioning mind, something more important occurred to him, and abruptly all other thoughts were sidelined when he realized that Edward's stuff being packed meant he would be leaving the palace…and possib...no, probably, Xing altogether.

Al's previous numb-calm was somewhat unsettled by that realization, and he felt nauseous again as he dragged his feet to start walking, making his way to the door. He was careful not to brush against Ling as he passed; Ling who didn't say a word to him, nor did he try to stop Alphonse from leaving the room.

He didn't go far though, where could he go? What would be the point? There was nowhere in Ling's palace, or anywhere really, that his problems and issues wouldn't follow. So, Al just crossed the hall to the wall opposite the room and he leaned there for a moment before he slid down until he was sitting. With a weary sigh, he rested his elbows on his drawn-up knees and held his head in his hands. Shit, he felt so tired all of a sudden. Worn out completely.

He was expecting to be ignored, given a cold shoulder of sorts, since Ling was closer to Ed, so surely that was with whom his concern and empathy would lie, but then he was surprised when he heard light footsteps approaching him. Al raised his head enough to look at Ling's shoes when the other man stopped two feet away from him, apparently having turned to follow Al out of the room.

He didn't look up any further though, even as Ling spoke,

"You told him that you told me?" he asked evenly, quietly even, his tone neutral and familiar.

Alphonse blinked slowly, and then he cradled his head again before nodding into his hands, not interested in speaking through his tension constricted throat.

Ling sighed,

"I suppose his sudden departure means he didn't take it well." he sounded genuinely concerned.

Alphonse frowned into his hands as he absorbed what Ling said. Slowly, he dragged his hands down over his face so they were pressed against his mouth, finally raising his eyes to look up at Ling when he asked,

"Sudden…d-departure?" he asked a bit muffled against his fingers, his voice also a little choked with tension.

Ling nodded once as he placed his hands on his hips,

"Yes, Ed has taken a horse and left the palace." he sighed again, not looking at Alphonse anymore but with concern written clearly all over his face. It only served to make Al feel even less like he mattered in the grand scheme of his and Edward's importance to their acquaintances. He blinked, lowered his gaze to the floor, feelings shifting to numb again as Ling added, "I was informed of this a bit too late to stop him myself unfortunately. The stableman who reported a horse stolen to the palace guard, did so about thirty minutes ago. I only learned about it a short while before I came here to his room to have his things gathered; as he apparently took off without supplies of any kind." he sighed yet again, shaking his head lightly in worry.

Alphonse absently trailed his eyes up from Ling's shoes to his pants and shirt undergarments, assuming that he'd probably been in bed since the hour was so late, and they'd had to wake him up to tell him what had happened.

So much trouble, and all for what? He wanted to think that at least some of it had been worth it, but he was having trouble convincing himself of that right then. He closed his eyes and covered his face with his hands again,

"I apologize, Emperor." he said more formally than friendly, considering Ling's servants were in earshot and Al couldn't entirely shake his manners, they were embedded in him.

If only his overall integrity and ethics had been just as fortified.

Ling sighed again, the sound of clothes material shifting could be heard and then his voice was much nearer,

"If you're apologizing for the inconvenience of the present circumstances, then I assure it is not something to worry over. However," he paused and Alphonse removed his hands from his face, holding his knees and leaning back more fully against the wall. Ling was crouching just in front of him now and Al met Ling's even gaze and braced himself for whatever Ling would say next, "if you're apologizing for the sensitive issue that is responsible for this present predicament, then I'm afraid I am not in any position to absolve you of whatever burdens you in this." there was a tone of curiosity underlying Ling's gentle words, but he still wasn't actually asking.

He obviously wanted to know more, though…which wasn't surprising, but he wasn't being pushy about it at least.

Al didn't give any reaction to Ling's words, and didn't actually feel any reaction either, he simply lowered his gaze back to the palace floor before raising his eyes again to look into the room beyond Ling's shoulder, where the servants were almost done packing Edward's bags. Ling noticed and he shifted slightly to look over his shoulder into the room as well.

"I'll have Lan Fan bring his things to him, she'll probably reach him before he makes it to Xidi since she knows the land well and routes." he explained unprompted. And Alphonse hadn't realized it until that moment, until Ling said her name, but right then he blinked a few times, throat clenching up as he frowned when it occurred to him that,

"Lan Fan knows," he whispered, throat tight, "she knows, doesn't she?"

Fluctuating guilt and the threat of tears burning his eyes caused the sudden blooming of a headache behind his tired eyes.

Ling looked at him again, unmoving for a few uneasy seconds, before he simply nodded and Al, no longer making eye contact, only noticed out of his periphery when Ling stood up again,

"Yes, she does, but Alphonse, you can trust that she will tell no one, and nor will I." he said calmly and quietly as the servants exited the room carrying Ed's bags. Ling turned away to give them an instruction in Xingese to take the bags to stables, saying that Lan Fan would be along shortly. And Alphonse just sat quietly thinking of the fact that Ling and Lan Fan would indeed keep the secret...

...because even in Xing, where there was no punishment for an incestuous relationship, if Edward wanted it to be a secret, it would be. Alphonse wasn't sure his opinion on right and wrong concerning their relationship was even valid anymore, he wasn't even confident he could so easily tell the difference, after all, he'd already gone too far. Long ago...

The sounds of soft scuffing as the staff started to walk away made Alphonse's eyelids flicker, his eyes burning continuously, in and around, probably swollen, and the sorry sight he most definitely made prompted Ling to sigh again softly once he turned back to look down at Alphonse. Alphonse still didn't meet his eyes, instead keeping his gaze on the now closed doors of Ed's room,

"Get some rest, Alphonse." Ling said in a soft tone, the tone of someone who cared, but Alphonse wasn't moved by it, not at all, "We'll talk in the morning if you're up for it." the young Emperor added and then after a beat, he turned and walked away quietly.

Alphonse slid his eyes to watch Ling walking away, thinking, in useless hindsight, of what a bad idea it had been coming to Xing for the reasons he had, and especially without telling Ed. But then, when he took a moment, like he had hundreds of times before after he'd come up with the idea, to consider how Ed might have reacted to the suggestion of moving to Xing for incestuous freedom, he could only manage a bitter smile when thinking of the many ways he could imagine Ed rejecting the idea outright.

There was ultimately no version of events in which Al could see Ed agreeing without...well, without some sort of...maneuvering...

A whispered voice in his traitorous mind whispered the word manipulating, and Al once again leaned his head back against the wall and closed his eyes, inhaling deeply, thinking 'it's not like it made a difference in the end'...and then he was quickly bringing one hand up to rub over his mouth in order to cover the disturbing smile of sardonic disbelief that had started to pull at his lips.

He felt disturbed by how horribly, bitterly amused he was over the stupid way in which he'd lost Ed…

'I'm such a fucking idiot.' he let out a breathy little, half-smothered laugh into his hand before he removed it, settling it back on his knee as he cleared his throat as his mind went on whispering, 'I had him, he was mine, he would have stayed mine…and instead of letting that be enough, I fucked everything up because I wanted everyone else to know that he was mine.'

He started to laugh quietly then at the dismal ridiculousness of it all, and laughing about it, even so quietly and bitterly, only served to make him feel a little off kilter, head-spinning. Was it even important that he felt like a fool? Maybe it was only important to him...after all, for over a year the biggest issue between them had been the physical aspect of their incest, it had been about Edward coming to terms with the sexual intimacy he'd wanted between them, but he'd won Ed over in the end, mostly. But this…this thing, telling Ling about it, and then being such a moron and choosing to break up with Ed just before confessing...what had he been expecting to achieve, what outcome had he really expected from that other than inflicting more damage to their already fucked up trust? These choices, these bad choices, he...

...he had to acknowledge it, and he did so with quiet dismay, that he'd chosen to break up with Edward because he'd expected on some level, that Ed would leave when he told him about his confession to Ling. And the subconscious manipulation of it wasn't lost on him, far from it actually, as he was becoming more and more aware of just how comfortable he'd gotten with stealing choices and decisions right out from under Edward's open, helplessly grasping hands.

There were still no tears in his dried-out eyes, but they burned all the same as he stared at nothing on the ground.

The very ugly truth was that he'd ended it first so that Ed wouldn't do it to him, he'd wanted to have control over how he took the blow of 'breaking up' with Ed…and he had, he'd had the control just like he wanted. And then right after, selfishly, so incredibly fucking selfish, while Ed was still trying to deal with him –and Al was aware, had been for a while, of how Ed had to often make a great effort to deal with him, as if he were a difficult problem-, he'd gone ahead and told Ed that he'd revealed their darkest secret to an outsider, on a measly, drunken, immature, whim.

A sob finally broke from his lips then, and they kept coming afterwards, interspersed with mirthless laughter, his face contorted somewhere between anger and disgust in himself. He hadn't even realized before recently, the full extent to which he'd become comfortable inside of the twisted version of life he'd suckered Ed into living with him, not until it occurred to him that he'd reached a point where he wouldn't even allow Ed any room to hurt him. To hurt him back.

"Fuck, what the fuck, I'm…I'm so..." he breathed out, but then closed his mouth quickly, before he could say anything else, he didn't even want to hear his own voice right then. With pursed lips, Alphonse abruptly pushed himself to stand up and he quickly made his way to his room. Ling had said he should rest. And maybe it wasn't the worst idea. Honestly, he felt like he actually would be able to sleep right then, since he was surprisingly void of any distinctive physical or emotional feelings he could pinpoint, mostly still numb; his body just generally aware that he was in a bad way, and yet, feeling but not really feeling as he presently was, was more comforting than the grief he'd gone through formerly when losing Edward.

It was horrible, that he'd become so removed from the entire mess, that he could think so objectively and insensitively about it all, that he could take the dreams and hopes he'd had in his mind for a wonderful future with Edward and just…tear them down. But that's what he was doing, even as walked toward his room in the palace, Alphonse begun thinking of just walking away from what was left of his relationship with his brother, of going away, far away, so he could start a new life and leave Edward to do the same.

Far enough away that he could never have the opportunity to give into the easy temptation to use Edward ever again. Far enough away that he could never hurt Edward again.

It shouldn't have been so easy to think of leaving, but with all the ugliness and pain and hurt people left behind in the wake of the mess that Alphonse had made, it somehow was. Edward had already said they could never go back a long time ago, and he'd meant it and they'd both expected it; now it was actually happening.

It was ironic though. Alphonse had wanted the day to come where the fact that they were brothers would no longer influence them in their physical relationship, or keep them apart, or make sex awkward or uncomfortable, and it had. But it was a double-edged sword, it turned out to be good thing and a bad thing. In the end, the ease with which he'd made the decision to 'breaking up' with Ed, and the ease with which Ed accepted it, showed that their relationship had become quite ordinary in every sense, besides the factor of other people knowing about it.

Somehow that was equally as awful as the nature of the relationship itself. How easily people could forget the value of something, or grow to find something lacking, or fall into routine that makes something that should mean so much more, just seem commonplace.

It was all so absolutely fucked up.

Alphonse finally arrived at his room then, slipping inside quietly, he closed himself in and stepped noiselessly across the room to his bed, where he crawled on still fully dressed and curled up on his side on top of the covers, closing his eyes with a heavy sigh. He felt exhausted enough that he wanted to sleep for as long as he could but his mind was still restless, and it took that opportunity to remind him that Edward probably wasn't going to sleep that night, that he'd be riding away on horseback for hours, putting as much distance between them as he could.

Green-gold eyes slipped open and Alphonse stared blankly at the creases and patterns on the bed covers for a long minute as something sore twinged repeatedly under his ribcage. But gradually his breathing slowed and his eyes drifted closed again, his thoughts settling on the fact that Ling would see to it that Edward made it out of Xing safe and sound…that was something, at least.

It was all there was right then.

Edward was putting distance between them…and this time, Alphonse would let him.

He didn't remember crying, when it started or when it ended, but there were tear stains on his pillow when he woke the following morning.

---

By ten AM the following morning, Alphonse was washed up, fully dressed and sitting inside one of the private, open-style pavilion in the Imperial Garden of the massive palace.

Ling was sitting across from him, quietly taking in the sight of Alphonse under the sun bleaching brightness of the daylight; even under the shade of the pavilion, the cloudless sky and bright sun lit up everything it touched.

Alphonse had seen himself in the mirror that morning when he'd dressed for the day, and aside from the slight puffiness of his eyes, he thought he looked disgustingly just fine. Whether Ling thought differently wasn't clear, as his gaze was inscrutable.

Maybe he was thinking it was disgusting, too, that Alphonse appeared mostly fine.

This time around it felt nothing like the last time for Alphonse, and he was aware of how wrong it was to feel so calm after upending their lives...Ed's life and peace of mind. Yet, instead of heartbreak and anger and frustration, hurt and much deserved heaps of guilt, he felt calm and numb. There was still some hurt that time around, but mostly there was just cold, dead resignation. The forceful closure had still been closure, he supposed. What was final was final. What was over was over. What was done wa-

Ling placed his tea cup down with an oddly loud clink that snapped Alphonse out of his thoughts. All the other sounds around them filtered back in then; shifting water, birds, the breeze and wind chimes and he looked across at Ling just in time to watch as he folded his hands back into his long sleeves.

Ling raised an eyebrow, his expression softening to something kinder,

"We're alone today." he informed Alphonse in a weighed but friendly tone of voice. "I've asked Lan Fan to remain out of earshot while we talk, and no servants will enter or linger." his slim eyes widened just enough for him to level Alphonse with a serious but solemn look, "That is, if you feel the need to talk."

Alphonse was sitting in the usual way the Xingese people did, which was technically actually kneeling, with his hands settled in his lap where he sat across from the Emperor. His attention was still mostly on the shape of Ling's arched eyebrow, his focus having been lagging all morning. He'd even forgotten about his tea, which was untouched and probably cold.

He slowly blinked his attention away from Ling, sliding his eyes to stare out into the beautiful gardens, his focus tuning into the insects and the birds, his dulled senses registering the crisp fresh air, free of city pollution and scented with different flowers and plants, his mind wandering...

He had always liked Xing, since the very first time he'd ever visited there.

Liking Xing...it was the only clear, honest, untainted thought he'd had that day so far. From the moment he'd walked out into the Imperial Garden, and in the twenty minutes he'd spent waiting for Ling to arrive while he'd absently eaten a few ripe and delicious Yangmei, Alphonse had been thinking the same thing. He liked Xing. And after the idea had vaguely occurred to him the night before, now the idea of separating himself from Edward was beginning to seriously take root...

As it was, he expected Ed would never return to Xing if he could help it, and Amestris, Central specifically, had always been more to Edward's liking than Al's. So, it seemed like a good idea to go separate ways, it would put the necessary distance between them that Ed no doubt wanted now, and Al honestly thought he had a better chance of being happy in Xing than anywhere else in the world; 'happy' being a relative term, considering he wasn't sure what that would look like for him going forward without Edward in his life.

His mind was wandering deeper down that path when Ling interrupted his train of thought by saying his name in a questioning tone. Al blinked himself back to the moment, the picture in his mind of him walking along Xing's coast, along the seashore he'd only ever heard stories of, by himself, dispersed into a blurred haze as he turned his gaze to Ling again. Ling looked a bit confused and concerned, but overall open and expectant.

Alphonse took a moment to recall the Emperor's previous words and then he raised his eyebrows and shook his head once lightly, saying the first thing that came to mind,

"Talking about it is difficult."

Ling blinked once, and then he nodded evenly,

"I'm sure."

"And complicated," Alphonse added after a beat, before sighing shortly and looking down at the table, his tone of voice becoming more detached when he added, "And, it's personal." He spoke the words quietly, but seriously as he stared into his untouched tea, the light breeze making the surface of the liquid ripple.

The breeze itself was warm, and the weather was as hot as it had been every single day prior. Alphonse wondered then when it might rain…and if he would still be there at the palace when it did. He doubted it.

"Well, I won't insist." Ling conceded evenly before he took a sip of his own tea. He reached for a peach from the spread of fresh fruit that had been laid out and Alphonse's mind continued to latch onto random things, taking note of the fruit Ling had chosen and thinking that the servants would soon bring the main breakfast spread out, specifically now that the Emperor was present.

Earlier that morning they'd brought a message to Al, letting him know Ling wanted to have breakfast with him. It had been barely five minutes after he'd woken up and he'd still been re-piecing the former night's events together in his disjointed mind. So, he'd taken a little longer than usual to clean himself up and leave the room, but the servants had given him ample notice, more than enough in fact, so he'd still arrived before Ling.

Edward...Edward would probably have kept Ling waiting...

The 'fond' thought of Edward made his insides ring hollow somehow, as if something important was missing inside him, the space abruptly vacated. He continued to stare at the fruit bowl and he and Ling fell into a not altogether comfortable silence, but Alphonse, where he previously wanted nothing more than to spill his guts to Ling just two days ago, now felt like he'd choke on any words he said to the young Emperor.

'I should have choked on them.' he thought numbly, morbidly.

"Do you have any plans moving forward?" Ling asked neutrally, and just when the servants were bringing out the breakfast spread. They were silent as the servants worked and only once they were gone did Al respond,

"That...that depends." he said quietly and glanced at Ling, seeing the other man raise an eyebrow curiously, so he continued, "Will I be allowed to return to Xing in the future?" he asked sincerely, albeit tonelessly.

Ling frowned at him with a facial expression that plainly showed confusion at what Al was asking, as if Alphonse had just spoken in a new language,

"Wha-...why…" Link blinked and then he placed down the tea cup he'd just picked up, leaning forward and setting his hands on the edge of the low table, "Alphonse, why would ask such a ridiculous question?" he certainly sounded like he thought it was ridiculous.

And there was a tightness that had been in Al's chest since the moment he'd decided he was going to break it off with Edward; to cut himself out like the cancer that he was in his brother's life. The tightness was from anxiety and stress and also from the weight of the overall situation he'd created, but on top of all of that, there's been a feeling of abandonment and being unmoored, due to the underlying reality that everyone he and Ed knew, would never care for him the same way they did Ed.

And while that feeling didn't entirely leave him right then, the sincere confusion in Ling's voice when he asked the question released some of the pressure he felt inside, because that question meant Ling wasn't about to send him away or forbid him from ever returning...Ling wasn't going to abandon him.

Taking a tight, quite breath, Alphonse ran a hand over his face before bringing his arms to his middle and folding them over his abdomen, hunching over and curling into himself unconsciously. He managed to look at Ling,

"I guess," he swallowed halfway through the words and needed to repeat himself, "I guess I just thought you'd want me to leave because of…" he swallowed again, his throat felt dry, "…because Ed left the way he did, for the reason he did." before he could dry swallow again, he unfolded one arm so he could pick up his cold tea and take a sip. It didn't taste good cold, but it helped him get out his next words with less rasp, "It's pretty plain to see how fucked up I am," Ling's face did something like a wince, "and how I've fucked up my relationship with Ed." he added softly but candidly, grimacing before and after sipping the tea again.

He'd been mostly numb before, but now that he'd started this conversation, his mind started to whir in a disorienting manner, the sounds around him fading in and out, the taste of the tea on his tongue seemingly too bitter, Ling's presence both too close and too far.

And Ling was probably going to ask more questions now that Alphonse had said something about it...

With a few spotty blinks, Alphonse made a mental promise to Edward and to himself that no matter what Ling asked, he wouldn't speak of anything explicit about their relationship, or about anything that extended to third parties like Winry or Elizabeth. It was the least he could do after blabbing in the first place.

"Alphonse," the syllables of his name sounded garbled to him and he had to force himself to focus as Ling went on, "I saw nothing 'fucked up', as you say, about the two of you when you first arrived." Ling informed him in that same neutral tone from before, and Alphonse nauseously took another gulp from his tea, finishing the liquid in the small tea cup too quickly. "And up until a few hours before you confided in me about you and Edward, I would have sworn you were both entirely as you always were…" Ling said and then he idly tapped his fingers on the wooden table one time before adding, "…in fact, I was actually beginning to think there was something going on with Edward and Roy Mustang." he admitted, sounding curious.

Alphonse clenched his jaw and tightened his hold on the small cup, his nausea doubling instantly as he absorbed that information for what it was. If Ling, observant, intuitive, perceptive Ling, was able to make such an assumption from what couldn't have been more than a handful of conversations that Alphonse wasn't privy too between Ed and the Emperor, then he must have seen something in Ed that would make him assume such a thing.

Alphonse didn't know if the jealousy and bitterness over the matter of Ed and Mustang would ever go away.

Ling hummed softly,

"What I just said has made you exceptionally tense and has drained the color from your face, Alphonse." Ling unhelpfully, and so seriously, pointed out.

Alphonse placed his cup down on the table as lightly as could, before he involuntarily pitched a humorless, bitter smile toward Ling, and then he quickly rubbed his hands over his face to get rid of it. He was fighting down the spikes of jealous-hurt and irritation that were flaring up. He figured it would probably always hurt, because despite it all, he fucking loved Edward and that was just a fact.

No matter how much he and Ed had both become too desensitized to one another and the taboo of it all, no matter how ordinary or hollow their gestures and words had become, it was still a fact for Alphonse...like any couple who stayed together just because they were in love, even if just being in love would never be enough.

And like any ex-lover who was still in love, he wanted to know things, even if they would hurt him.

"May I ask," Alphonse started, and then he paused to sigh roughly before he removed his hands from his face so his voice wouldn't be muffled. He absently pulled at the collar of his dark blue T shirt as he continued, "What did Edward say or do that gave you that impression about him and Mustang?" and he tried to keep the bitterness out of his tone, he really did, but he failed rather obviously. He'd heard it, as if vinegar was dripping down his throat, his tone calm but acidulous.

Ling was watching Al thoughtfully now, taking note of his present state, probably trying to connect more dots on his own, even as he answered,

"It was more due to Edward's reactions to certain things I said, than it was anything he said or did specifically." he explained, shifting his hands to fold over one another in his lap while staring straight at Alphonse as he spoke, "They weren't even particularly obvious reactions, but perhaps, it was his overt consciousness in controlling those reactions that led me to believe he was hiding something." Ling raised an eyebrow after he finished, asking a question without actually asking.

Wanting to know if he was right about Ed and Mustang...

But Alphonse wasn't going to answer, because Mustang was one of those afore-considered third party people to all this, and Ed would only be angrier, if that were possible, if he later learned that Al had spoken of what little he knew about what had transpired between Edward and Roy. As it was, Ed had no idea Al even knew that they had kissed one another. And Al didn't even know when they'd kissed each other, he just knew they had.

Ugh, the very idea of it still compounded his nauseousness and anger.

He shook his head, both in upset and in response to Ling,

"There wasn't any one thing wrong between Edward and I…" he completely changed the subject, none too smoothly, "…everything was wrong." His intention was to divert the negative attention back to himself, so he decided to just barrel into it and he forced himself to meet Ling's steady gaze, aiming for conviction and determination that he hardly felt when he said, "I want you to know something. Ling...I...I..." but he paused, his words lost to him as his sluggish, whirling thoughts tripped him up.

He opened his mouth and then closed it again to exhale a shaky breath through his nose. He was frowning now because it hurt just to admit it aloud, but he also just didn't want to admit it out aloud, some stubbornly wrong part of himself was still clinging to his frayed justifications over everything that had happened. He was wrong and he knew it, yet some part of him was still trying to weakly interject excuses.

But he had to fight it, Ling needed to know, he needed to know...

"This…t-this thing between Ed and I," Alphonse wet his dry bottom lip, worrying it with his teeth for a moment before forcing himself to say what he needed to say. "Ed...he, he never wanted it," his teeth involuntarily clenched, "from the very start…" and his voice sounded smaller all of a sudden, tight and closing, his eyes lowering, "…it was...he, he only wanted to give me what I wanted, Ling…and I…" he exhaled sharply before sighed out around a watery, broken smile, "…I didn't give him a real choice, I didn't..." he trailed off.

Alphonse felt his chest and eyes burn, felt his stomach turn over and his head spin, his senses fluctuated and his neck heated up, while his fingers felt cold, and in all of that, he just sat still, eyes dry and breathing deep and even through his nose. He was hyperaware of his old regrets, regrets and wrongdoings that had once burned a literal hole in his stomach. He felt them now, those regrets, but they were somehow less, or maybe just different. His regrets over the methods he'd used to bring himself and Edward together could never outweigh the happiness he'd felt at actually being with Ed, it was the before and after, the difference between wanting without having, and then having what he'd wanted.

Shameful though it was, Alphonse just didn't hold onto the guilt like he'd used to, he was too far gone.

That part of him, of him and Ed, the former bridge that had connected them, was burned, and he and Ed had built a new one, and they'd crossed it, but it hadn't been built on a good foundation, and it had crumbled behind them...and the shrouded, muddy, dark and crooked path they'd been walking on had led them to a crossroads.

"Did you give him an ultimatum?" Ling asked quietly, wisely, like he already knew, or at least had suspected.

Alphonse couldn't really deny it, and there was no point it explaining that it wasn't so black and white, that the situation had been nuanced and complicated, so instead he just bobbed his eyebrows and shrugged. Edward would have been furious at his nonchalance over it, he'd certainly looked furious the night before when Al had been able to do little more than answer him with small gestures because his throat had hurt too much to talk at the time.

There was some drawn out silence before Ling sighed,

"Was his choice…all of you or none of you?" he asked again, too wisely, too knowingly.

Alphonse hated how transparent he apparently was, or perhaps it wasn't him, perhaps it was Edward who was so obvious. Perhaps Ling just knew that he would do anything for Alphonse and so it was the quickest conclusion to draw. Either way, it painted Alphonse in a pathetic and sinister light, and Edward in a pitiable, hopeless one.

Alphonse sighed loudly, resigned to just giving in to it all, so he nodded once before clearing his throat. The rest of his physical reactions had petered out, but his throat remained tight, sorely so, and it was really the only sign to himself that he was experiencing any kind of long-lasting emotion. He was all cried out, his eyes bone dry, and his constitution was stronger than it had been before, his body no longer broke down so easily, so the ache in his throat and the lessening weight in his chest were the only physical indicators he had that he was affected by what was happening.

His emotions seemed to have peaked the night before at some point, now the really bad feelings barely made it off the ground for him.

Even picturing Edward's exasperated facial expression in that moment Al had 'broken up' with him, followed by Ed's severely betrayed and pissed off expression at learning about Ling knowing, it evoked a few aching twinges in his guts, but it faded fast. And Al's feelings quickly morphed back into bitterness when he recalled not seeing even a hint of anguish in Ed's face over their fallout, not like he'd seen during the times before.

No, Ed hadn't been particularly torn up about the tatters of their relationship scattering around them in that moment, he'd just been annoyed and then disgusted and then furious.

But then...Al hadn't been all that torn up about it either, just sad and resigned and cowardly.

"Cruel, Alphonse. You surprise me." Ling said softly, a noticeable hint of disapproval in his voice.

Alphonse didn't react to it, even as the word 'cruel' caught him off guard and made him want to smash everything within reach. Outwardly, he simply blinked and lifted his tea cup, only to notice it was empty.

He stared into the empty cup as he said,

"That makes three of us." in a toneless voice, referring to himself and Ed in addition to Ling, and the Emperor knew it; his subtly raised eyebrow confirmed it.

He lowered his cup to the table, watching as Ling reached for the gaiwan before he could. Alphonse didn't have the energy right then to be polite and insist Ling, an Emperor, didn't pour tea for him, so he just watched silently as Ling held his long sleeve back before he reached over to refill Alphonse's cup. The staff would usually have rushed over to do it, but Ling had said they wouldn't linger so it was only the two of them to tend to themselves for the moment.

Alphonse was about to say thank you automatically, but as Ling leaned back and set the gaiwan down, he spoke,

"So, you followed through on your ultimatum?" he enquired, looking and sounding deeply curious. And Al understood how he felt, learning about the new and awful side to him that no one could have imagined existed.

Despondent and sullen, Alphonse just raised an eyebrow and looked out over the garden again,

"It was hardly that in the end," he swallowed tensely, "it was never really an ultimatum, because I knew what Ed would choose." he admitted quietly. And he had known, subconsciously at the time, but more clearly later, he'd known that Edward would never have let him walk away.

Ling raised both of his eyebrows at that response, before he lowered his gaze, for the first time taking his eyes off of watching Alphonse. Perhaps he was finally, truly, disgusted? But then,

"For him to be able to be with you that way in the first place would suggest he was not entirely averse to it." Alphonse nearly snorted, because Ling had no idea what Al had had to do to get Ed there. He had no idea just how averse Ed had been to it...before the manipulation, before the guilt and the drugs. Alphonse continued to stare out into the garden, his mouth a flat displeased line as Ling went on,

"And yet, having experienced his reaction to the possibility of me taking Mei as a concubine, and so recently, when it has already been like that between you two, I assume for a while," he looked at Alphonse again, much more serious now, "I don't believe he would have been...naturally inclined that way toward you."

Alphonse met and held his gaze this time, thinking, 'Naturally inclined? How tactful.' while knowing the word Ling probably wanted to use was more along the lines of willingly or voluntarily.

Both of them were more sombre now, and Al refused to look away; to show weakness right then. He had no idea when Ed and Ling had spoken about the subject of Mei as a concubine but it didn't matter in the end, because apparently Edward's reaction hadn't been any good. It had been revealing, just like whatever his reaction about Mustang had been.

Also, the mention of Mei just then served to remind Al of what Ed had said; that he wanted to help Mei out of her bad situation. But Ed was gone now, he'd left so abruptly, Mei probably hadn't even crossing his mind. That left her as Al's responsibility, which she rightfully was, since he was the one who'd left her in a bad situation to begin with.

What goes around...and all that.

He finally slid his eyes away from Ling and picked up his refilled tea cup,

"Like I said, it's complicated." he mumbled in response before he took a drink. He decided he was not interested in explaining exactly what hardships he and Ed had gone through, Ed of course more than Al, to have brought them to the point they were at presently...or rather, the point they had been at before very recent events.

Ling stared at him for a moment longer as the breeze rustled trees and fabric and their hair, and while his gaze was not unkind, it was also not entirely neutral anymore. And that was no surprise really, since he was more than likely reading into Al's outward lack of emotion, and it was giving him the impression that Alphonse was unaffected, that he didn't care...

He was affected though, just not in the way or to the extent that Ling, and probably other people, would expect.

They sat in silence for a while longer, Al sipping his hot tea until it was almost finished before Ling spoke again,

"So," he started, picking up his chopsticks and holding his sleeve again as he reached toward the dish of black mushroom stuffed Zongzi set on the table between them. He placed two in his bowl before he continued speaking, "I'm still curious to know what your plans are?"

Alphonse's gaze drifted over the food spread out on the table, and he found that his appetite was still mostly intact, which was another indication that this time around was not the same as the last. He couldn't stomach food in the past when he and Edward had fallen out, but now...now he was actually still hungry. And knowing that he had a lot of travelling and troubles ahead of him, he decided eating properly was essential if he wanted to have any hope of managing it, so he reached over to a dish of baozi.

After he'd eaten his first bite, and Ling had as well, only then did Alphonse answer,

"I'm going to go back to Amestris." he said surely. Ling took a sip of his tea and then paused eating to look across the table at Alphonse,

"Do you intend to attempt to fix things between you and Ed?"

Alphonse took another bite and chewed, the taste of the bun and it's filling barely registering to his senses as he stared down at the table, wondering about the answer to that very same question.

He pictured it in his mind, how it would go…there'd be arguments, tears, horrible things said and the subsequent slew of regrets. And if they were overly emotional at the time maybe they'd consider trying aga...

No, no, this time it was different, this time...Edward wouldn't...but, but...

But even if by some unbelievable chance Ed did give into him again, it'd just be the same, or probably worse, all over again. They'd be back at square one, headed in the same direction, because every road led to the same place. Predestination; just caught in a painful twisted cycle until they'd eventually truly hate one another.

They weren't at that point yet. At least Alphonse didn't think so. But they could get there. In the past he'd thought it was an impossibility, but now he could see it happening, if they kept pushing and bending and breaking... Alphonse didn't want that. If he could choose an outcome right then, imagining a 'best case scenario', he'd want something positive for them in all the negative, he felt that he wanted one day for him and Ed to be able to be okay again, to be at different places with one another, but still be able to move on, whatever that meant.

And even if it would only be as brothers.

...what a fucking joke.

There was no forgetting that they'd already tried it, and it hadn't worked out, it probably never would. Especially not after what had happened the night before. That was just that. No number of attempts would change it. Some things were unfixable. Fucked. It was all fucked.

Being that as it was, there was only one viable option he could see for the immediate future. Alphonse swallowed the bite of bun, which went down really hard, before he responded,

"No," he eyed the remaining piece of bun he held, not meeting Ling's gaze, "Ed needs to be apart from me, and until he decides otherwise, I won't go anywhere near him." his voice was slightly strained when he said it, but he meant it, he'd seen in Ed's eyes the other night that the older blonde had wanted to be anywhere but near him. Avoiding Ed for now, was for the best.

He swallowed tensely and finally raised his eyes to look at Ling, who was staring at him with a subtle crease between his eyebrows, as if he didn't get it. But then, he didn't know that they'd already been down a similar road before, and he also hadn't seen it, the look on Ed's face, in his yellow-gold eyes the night before.

Ed had looked at Alphonse as if he wished he didn't recognize him, as if he wished Alphonse was just a pretender, a phony, and that the real Alphonse was hidden away somewhere, safe and sane and normal and nice.

"Why go back to Amestris then?" Ling asked eventually, after Alphonse had finished his first bun and was reaching for a second. Ling on the other hand, had not touched another bite of his own food.

Alphonse chewed his current bite slowly, blinked languidly, stared at the unused chop sticks on the table, rethinking whether the plan he was going to follow was the best course of action. He ran it through his mind again, once more, before deciding it still made sense to him.

"I'm going to take Mei to Amestris." he announced quietly, indifferently.

Ling frowned now, more obviously, and his face plainly showed the extent of his confusion,

"Why? For what purpose?"

Alphonse heard an odd note in his voice, a note that sounded like disapproval, perhaps displeasure. Maybe...maybe Ling was thinking Al was going to try and get back together with Mei? If that was the case, he clearly didn't like that idea.

Alphonse looked at him, met his eyes directly, and refrained from shaking his head and leveling Ling with a sarcastic look for questioning his intentions. Because he supposed he shouldn't be surprised, considering what Ling now knew of what Al's intent could lead to when it came to his own brother.

He'd already expected it, but right then he knew he'd have to prepare himself to let go of people. The path he was choosing would be a solo undertaking anyway. There would be loss; the significance of which would remain to be seen. For right then though, he had to keep things civil between himself and Ling, because the man was leader of the country he wanted to eventually settle down in, because once he was done handing whatever needed handling in Amestris, he intended to return to Xing...permanently. So, he had to deal with Ling tactfully.

He didn't need bad blood between him and the Emperor just because he couldn't hold his temper. That would be foolish.

If Ling wanted to question his integrity, Alphonse would just have to set him straight with a few of his old mastered politeness techniques. So, affecting a regretful expression, Alphonse breathed out a soft sigh and set the remaining portion of his bun down in his bowl, lowering his eyes regretfully,

"Because Ed and I talked about it a few days ago, we agreed on it, and also, it's the right thing to do." he said softly and much like he'd always sounded years before, except without the ringing of hollow metal. "I owe her." he added, perhaps unnecessarily but more sincerely. Because honestly, Al hadn't wanted to do it, but he knew it was the right thing, he did owe her.

Ling's frown relaxed somewhat and then he nodded lightly,

"So, you don't mean to take her back to Amestris to be with you?" he asked about as straightforwardly as was possible, which, well, that was as fucking straightforward as it got. Alphonse had to force himself not to make an 'are you fucking insane' expression.

Clearly Ling didn't get that losing Ed was like losing one of his fucking lungs, every breath was harder to take. Although, it was more metaphorical this time around instead of the physical shit storm he'd experienced in the past, but still!

But then, what the fuck did Ling know anyway. He didn't know anything about it...he couldn't. No one would know because no one could know. Ed had been saying so all along. They'd been alone in their incest from the start and it'd been hard enough for them before Alphonse had fucked that up by telling Ling. And whatever support he'd originally had from Ling was tainted now, in light of what he'd learned about Alphonse in the brief conversation they'd just had.

Yeah, Ed had known, he'd said once...people will be cruel, even if they love you.

No one could understand. Ed didn't even understand why Al had wanted it.

The biggest fuck up of all, was that Alphonse himself couldn't definitively say why he'd wanted them to be together. He'd speculated, sure, but would he ever really know why?

He blinked away that useless question and neutrally said,

"No." then "I'll help her get on her feet, apply for citizenship." he decided to explain as much as he deemed necessary, "It shouldn't be hard to attain, since she was an integral part of the Promised Day. And once she's settled and I've sorted out what I need to sort out in Amestris, then I'd like to return to Xing." he lowered his gaze down to his half-eaten bun, "I'd like to live on the coast somewhere. I'll find work there, maybe continue studying medicine." he added as an afterthought.

"And you are welcome to return," Ling responded immediately, his tone sounding neutral again, devoid of any negativity or suspicion. But Alphonse could tell from the note on which he ended the sentence that Ling had something else he wanted to say. And after a few long, quiet seconds, Ling asked, "When will you be departing?"

But there was too much abruptness in that question; so, Alphonse guessed that it wasn't what Ling had wanted to say or ask, but he'd decided on not bringing up whatever it had actually been…and that was just fine with Al, because he wasn't particularly interested in fielding questions about just how fucked up his life was and would continue to be.

And with all that said and done, he plainly announced,

"Today…I'll be leaving today."

---

Ling had said it was a bad idea for Alphonse to go to Mei's village to see her, apparently Alphonse's presence there would likely only make things worse. Alphonse didn't think that would matter, considering he assumed he'd be going there to take her away anyway, but then, a lot of the problem with him was that he didn't think things through.

So, Ling had probably spared him another fuck up by being the voice of reason and a body of authority, making the decision for Alphonse. The Emperor's way of handling it was to send a private messenger to deliver the offer from Alphonse to her personally, and if she chose to accept it then she would return with the messenger and depart from the palace with Alphonse.

That particular decision delayed Alphonse's departure by several days, but it was fine, it had to be. He was doing the right thing and he knew it couldn't be on his terms, the choice was hers to make.

And indeed, she made it.

Alphonse was a little bothered when the messenger returned a week later, just after noon on another hot day, alone, bringing with him the verdict that Mei had declined to accept the offer. But that was not the part of the situation that bothered him, he found himself irritated that he'd had to wait a whole week only to learn he hadn't even had to. It was ridiculously selfish of him to even think that way though, and he knew it, so he said nothing. How could he, when he was very aware that that was not supposed to be his reaction to the situation.

More and more, every day, Alphonse was indeed becoming aware that something was wrong with his way of thinking. And it was as if since Ed had left, since he knew Ed would no longer be in his life, that he'd been getting worse somehow.

He felt cold, disassociated and more than a little glad that Mei wasn't leaving with him.

Because he wanted to be alone…after all, that's what he felt he deserved.

---

It was late afternoon on the day when he was finally ready to leave the palace.

Ling had organized a carriage for him, even though Alphonse would have preferred he didn't, to take him as far as Tongli. He had a plan to ditch the carriage at the nearest city anyway, where he'd hire a horse and travel alone.

Presently he was walking down the palace stairs to where the carriage waited, Ling was beside him and of course, behind them was his royal guard and a few servants and just a generally unnecessary amount of extra people.

Alphonse had wanted to say his goodbyes inside the palace and leave quickly, but Ling hadn't allowed that, he'd been waiting for Alphonse at the exit, prepared to see him off.

It was really bad, the level of ugly feelings he was experiencing toward the Emperor right then. He knew he was feeling that way he felt it was disrespectful that Ling wouldn't give him his space. He also knew that Ling was either overcompensating in the 'caring friend' department, or he seemed to think it was his place to make decisions for Alphonse, as if in the wake of Ed's departure, he'd somehow become Al's keeper, which was patronizing and insulting in so many ways.

Alphonse wasn't a child, he wasn't an invalid and he wasn't anyone's charge.

But then, no, even back in Risembool, no matter how much older he'd grown each year after he was returned to his body, the people there, and Granny and Winry, hell, even their military acquaintances, even in Central…everyone they knew, had all still looked at Alphonse as if he were some precious, sweet, fragile and delicate boy.

Which he wasn't, not even close, not for a long time. Never again.

He was done with that, he wouldn't settle for being the pleasant, precocious and kind younger Elric anymore. It hadn't always been fake in the past, but it felt like it was always fake when he attempted that persona nowadays.

"Lan Fan will be accompanying you on your journey to the desert pass," Ling started, and Al decided abruptly that he'd have to take a page from Ed's book if he wanted people to stop treating him like a child, "she'll-…"

"No, she won't." Alphonse cut him off, teeth unintentionally clenching afterwards.

His sudden anger had forced the words from his throat curtly, because again, the disrespect of someone, someone the same fucking age as him, making decisions for him so blatantly. Alphonse had been so careful thus far, thinking he had to play the nice card lest he burn his bridges with Ling, but right then, he found he couldn't find a fuck to give.

He'd known it was coming, he'd known sooner or later he wouldn't be able to pretend anymore. Dammit.

"Excuse me?" Ling's tone abruptly changed as well, going from friend to monarch in a split second, and it took all of Alphonse's willpower not to roll his eyes. He'd seen Ed walk all over the whole Emperor routine so many times, even though Ling never played that card with Ed with any real seriousness, but now he was trying it on Alphonse?

Probably expecting a different result, too, because wasn't Alphonse the brother who just took peoples shit and tried to keep everything civil? That's how people saw him…and fuck that.

He kept his voice moderate, low enough to not be out rightly antagonizing, because unlike Ed, Alphonse didn't have to raise his voice to be an asshole,

"I said, no." he looked at Ling, whose slanted eyes were widened just enough to reveal his surprise, those same eyes dead set on Alphonse and unblinking. Alphonse calmly went on, "With all due respect, Emperor," he added quietly but seriously, holding Ling's gaze as they walked slowly across the massive inner court, "I don't want to be accompanied, or followed," he sighed pointedly, "…or babysat." he said the last word in a clipped tone, "I appreciate the offer, but I don't accept." he flat out declined what had sounded more like an order than an offer, but his tone was just sardonic enough to convey his irritation, and he added a flat, "Thank you." at the end, just for the sake of polite appearances.

They'd walked a quarter of the length of the inner court of the palace and they came to stop at the prepared carriage, Ling's entourage stopping a few feet behind, Lan Fan among them, looking confused and displeased because of Alphonse's behavior. And that was fine, he wanted them to see…he wanted them to know he was…changed. They didn't know him at all.

He didn't know himself anymore either, but he was learning.

Ling was standing just three feet away from him, dressed in the elaborate layers of his gold, white and red hanfu robes and staring at Alphonse with deep consideration. Alphonse didn't hold his gaze then, deciding it wouldn't be good to overdo it; he also didn't need to be delayed from leaving any longer.

So, he extended his hand to Ling, a very western gesture to let Ling know he didn't want to part with hugs or overly friendly displays, because Ed always kept people at a distance and they seemed to respect him for it. Ling looked at his hand for a moment, and then his demeanor changed from confused surprise to acceptance, and with no visible offence, as he raised his hand, expertly flipping his long sleeve back so it rested on his wrist and exposed his hand for Al to shake.

Alphonse smiled then, mostly fake but a smile none the less, as they shook hands firmly,

"Thank you for everything, Emperor. I hope to see you again soon." he channeled some of his usual pleasantness, but the act was less convincing after everything that had happened and Ling was not fooled by it.

Good, Alphonse hadn't wanted him to be.

He shook Al's hand firmly and nodded,

"Likewise. Travel well, Alphonse." he said with just the right amount of formality and Alphonse nodded once as well and then they withdrew their hands, and both of them bowed; Alphonse at the waist, and Ling a slight inclination of his head.

Alphonse then stood up straight and he walked toward the carriage which had already been loaded with his luggage. He felt everyone's eyes on him, and it was in such a different way than it'd been when he and Ed had arrived. And oh, how things had changed in such a short time. How much more they probably still would.

Without even a twinge of regret for friendships damaged...since there'd be plenty of time for regrets later, he got into the carriage and didn't look back as the horses were spurred into motion.

---

Upon arriving in Central, after travelling for days, Alphonse's first thought after he got off the train was that Cenz would be an issue for him. He'd converted a portion of his Xingese currency back to Cenz in the trading city he'd passed through a few days ago, and belatedly realized he'd already spent a lot of it beforehand on the trip there and then back as well. For one thing, Ling's gift had been expensive, and then since Ed hadn't had any Cenz converted at that time, they'd been traveling on Alphonse's expense, which had been fine, until right then, when he was getting out cash to pay for a cab to leave the station and he was reminded again how little funds of his own he had left.

He wasn't destitute though. Having Ed as a brother meant Alphonse could never actually be penniless.

It had surprised him though, when a few weeks back, not long after Ed was paid out for the military construction contract fuck up, Edward had handed Alphonse a bankbook and told him he'd opened a savings account for him years ago. Apparently, he'd been waiting for it to reach a certain amount from interest and added funds before he was ready to gift it to Alphonse.

Alphonse hadn't touched the bankbook yet, he didn't even know how much was in the account, in fact he hadn't even looked inside the hand sized book with its red textured polypropylene cover. Beyond the words 'United Bank of Amestris' and his name embossed in neat lettering on the front, Al had barely spared it a thought. At the time when he'd received it, he'd been more interested in expressing his appreciation to Edward in the form of a very generous kiss.

Now though, he was thinking about it, because he had plans that didn't include living with Edward which meant he had to support himself. So, at least until he found a job in Xing, he was going to need the Cenz saved up in the account. And he didn't question himself about the morality of using the savings, because Edward had given it to him and his brother would never regret giving it to him, would never think to take it back.

When Ed had handed him the bankbook, his words had been simple but final; 'This is yours, Al. For you to do whatever you want or need to.'

He'd still gone on to be the one supporting the household they lived in, he still never expressed any expectations for Al to contribute financially. So, Al knew the money was his, and he wouldn't insult Edward by pretending it wasn't, because not using it would be the same as spitting in Ed's face, being petty. The account had been in place for years, intended for Al all along, before the mess they were in now, when all they'd been was brothers, and he would respect that by using the funds wisely and for only the things he needed.

Deciding that, he knew he'd need some funds to get a hotel room to stay in for the night. Without Mei, all of his plans could be moved up and be more efficient and concise, so he'd only need to stay in Amestris for maybe four or five days, a week tops. Firstly though, he had to retrieve his stuff from his and Ed's apartment, the bankbook included.

He took a deep breath as he stared out of the window of the cab at the drab, overcast weather looming over Central. He felt anxious, aware of every second that he was nearing the place he'd called home for a short time, the place he'd lived with Edward alone. He knew he was likely to run into Ed there, and that the older blonde would be angry about Alphonse moving out, probably try to talk him out of it or suggest he leave instead.

But Alphonse was prepared for it, and he would not change his mind.

He was going to remove himself from Edward's life, because it felt like all there was left for him to do.

---

The apartment was...it was...empty.

It was plain to see that Edward was not only not there, but that he had not been there.

Alphonse stood at the end of passage just inside the entrance way, tracking his eyes over the empty lounge in which the curtains were still drawn closed from when they'd left, to the quiet hall where the bedroom doors were all shut, while the bathroom door stood open and the refrigerator hummed idly in the kitchen; all lights off. Everything was just as they'd left it, it even smelled a stuffy inside because all the windows were closed from when they'd left.

Alphonse stood a moment longer, fortifying himself for what he knew he would find, but even though he knew what to expect, when he stepped back to the hall closet and pulled it open, he still felt a twinge of pain in his chest at seeing the coat and leather jacket Ed had packed for Xing not hung up.

But he'd already guessed as much, because it was clear Ed was not there and had not been home.

He'd left a whole week before Alphonse had, so he should have been…but he wasn't.

Alphonse was about to start wondering, thinking, imagining, where Ed might be if not at their apartment…and then, he stopped himself, breath hitching shortly before he laughed humorlessly and a bit choked, raising his hands to rub them over his face and press his fingers into his prickling eyes.

'Don't even go there.' he scolded himself loudly in his head, and when he dragged his hands off his face, he took a deep, very deep and loud, breath and then he shrugged the worry and the interest off as much as he could. He had no right to know where Ed was or what he was doing, that was how it was now, but also how it always should have been.

Beyond his right as a sibling, Ed's whereabouts were not his business.

And Al wasn't worried as a sibling right then, because Ed could take care of himself and he had plenty of places he could be, plenty of people who'd be happy to see him…and who he'd be happy to see too.

Wiping the unshed gloss of tears from his eyes, Alphonse glanced back to his luggage from the trip piled by the door before he walked down the hall to his bedroom and let himself in. The room had become CookieBoots' room for the most part, but most of Al's clothes and belongings were still in the cupboards and the desk and bedside drawer. After all, a large part of the life they'd chosen had to do with keeping up appearances…and yeah, how fucking stupid he'd been to think that Xing would be a place they could have lived in freely.

Whether it happened later rather than sooner, or not at all, people knowing about them would have backfired.

"Naïve…" he mumbled to himself as he crouched down and pulled a large suitcase out from underneath the bed, placing it on top of the bed next and then unstrapping the ties and flipping it open. He stood there at first, just staring into the empty suitcase and for a long moment Alphonse just concentrated on breathing, concentrated on keeping his mind clear.

There were emotions threatening to choke him, hurting his chest and his throat…yet, they were not making it to the surface, the threat seemingly idle and the actual emotions somehow kept down. As for crying, well, he really didn't have the hydration necessary for crying, being reminded of the fact that he hadn't eaten or drunken anything sufficient in about 24 hours. There wasn't really a way to eat well when traveling, and his throat was bone dry when he swallowed right then.

'I should eat.' he thought unenthusiastically, physically hungry, but still without any actual appetite. Thinking of food reminded him that he'd need money to get something to eat, because they'd cleared the fridge out, and left nothing much in the cupboards, before they'd left the country.

With that thought Alphonse turned to the bedside drawer and he pulled it open a bit roughly, the items inside shifting around from the sudden disturbance. Amongst the few things in there was the bankbook, just where he'd haphazardly tossed it weeks ago, his own name visible where it was embossed on the leather cover of it.

He picked it up and flipped through the pages absently, each one empty but for the lines and blocks and blank spaces for his withdrawal amounts, signatures, the bank stamps and dates. Perfectly ordinary, no different than the one Ed carried…except that the account was created for Alphonse's independence. Edward had been planning it that way for a long time considering how long ago he'd said he'd started saving, and it hit Alphonse now, a bit sharply, making him blink a few times too many, as it dawned on him belatedly that Ed had continued to save even after he and Ed were supposed to have decided to be together.

Maybe...maybe it was to be taken a sign that Ed had always expected things to go the way they had, even when he claimed to have decided otherwise.

With a small unamused half-smile, half-wince on his face, Alphonse slipped the bankbook into his coat pocket and then closed his eyes while taking in a calm breath.

It seemed now, that many things he'd been blind to before, were finally breaking through the veneer, or rather, the delusion, he'd convinced himself of about Ed for so many months. Every little thing he'd been discovering recently all shone a hopeless, negative light on Ed's intentions toward their so-called relationship. But while it was upsetting, it was also serving as a balm, smothering the aches and pains and easing Alphonse's anxiety and hurt over what he had to do, about the choice he was making, the choice he realized more and more was not only fair and necessary, but was also something Ed had been expecting, maybe even subconsciously wanting.

It was all so confusing; Edward had been so hot and cold and in love and then not. Or had he even?

"What bullshit." Alphonse snorted bitterly, shaking the thoughts off abruptly before turning and walking to his wardrobes. He threw them open and got to work. He didn't intend to take long to pack, because just in case Ed actually showed up, he wanted to be long gone by then.

---

Packing everything that he needed had taken up two large suitcases, a medium size box and one smaller bag for CookieBoots' toys, cat bed and kitty toiletries.

He was done and out of the apartment in just 30 minutes, and then he waited a further ten minutes for the cab he'd called from the lobby to show up. And when he was driving away with his necessary belongings packed into the trunk, thinking of the fact that Edward still hadn't returned home, Alphonse wasn't sure whether he was relieved or upset.

It hardly mattered though, Ed would not find him there or anywhere else, he would only find the short note that Al had left on the fridge and that would have to be enough. He'd find Al's things gone and would not know where to even begin looking, but he'd know Al was safe and would be reassured that he'd be fine…and that was the best way things could go.

It was the safest plan for both of them, so that no more ugly words were shared and no more emotional mistakes were made, it was better, it was cleaner and it was more final.

And if Alphonse got just the tiniest bit of a kick out of knowing his abrupt and total absence from Ed's life would hurt the older blonde, well, he supposed it was a small consolation to the pain he was feeling. That wasn't so bad, was it? He wasn't sure he could tell.

Inhaling deeply, emotions everywhere and nowhere all at once, Alphonse slumped against the cab seat and waited to arrive at his next destination.

---

Alphonse climbed the stairs to Gracia Hughes apartment slowly.

The cab was waiting downstairs, parked on the curbside, not only because he needed it to, but also because it would serve the purpose of giving him a reason to be in a hurry to leave quickly after picking up CookieBoots. After all, he could have gone to a hotel and then come over to fetch his cat, but alas, he really didn't want to sit and talk about some shit he didn't care about while drinking tea and resenting every one of Gracia's smiles and benign pleasantries.

Right then, Alphonse wanted to be alone. Because his brand of misery did not love company.

It was incredibly depressing to acknowledge, but those long nights alone in the armor that he'd once despised so much, he now felt himself longing for, the solitude of it, the lack of feeling anything, the obliviousness to physical emotion...because now everything hurt to feel it, and it was somehow just as bad when it didn't hurt as much as it should.

Cresting the top of the staircase to Gracia's apartment floor, Alphonse paused there and carded a hand back through his travel oiled hair, rubbed at his face again, and then corrected his posture. Working his jaw a few times he decided he was ready enough to face her, and he stepped up to Gracia's door and knocked…

…and by the time she answered, he was easily able to plaster a convincing smile onto his face. He knew he looked tired, but he'd been traveling, so that was a good excuse for that.

"Hi Gracia!" he greeted with the usual amount of good-natured sweetness everyone expected from him.

She looked expectedly surprised to see him,

"Alphonse! I wasn't expecting to see you back so soon," she was smiling as she stepped back from the door and swung it open, "come in, come in. Do you want something to drink? You can tell me about your trip. Why was it cut short?" she looked somewhere between curious, kind and concerned.

Alphonse just kept his smile easy and sweet as he stepped inside and glanced around for his cat,

"Oh, it was, uh, it was nice…but we, we had to come back…" he said with very little inflection in his voice, keeping it just nice enough to pass as he abruptly changed the subject, "…sorry, Gracia, I can't stay. I'm actually in a hurry, I have a cab waiting downstairs and I just wanted to come over and take CookieBoots off your hands." he shrugged apologetically.

Gracia blinked at him, her smile faltering, because Alphonse wasn't being enough like what she usually expected, and really, he was okay with that. He couldn't always be perfectly nice and happy, surely they knew that. It wouldn't even be human. But then, in the armor-

She nodded after a few seconds of staring dumbly at him and then she closed the door,

"Alright, I'll just get his things then-…oh here he is." she smiled again, properly, brightly, while looking down at Al's feet. Al hadn't even noticed CookieBoots come over but when he spotted the purring ball of fluff just as it rubbed up against his legs, leaving white and cinnamon fur all over his jeans, Al beamed genuinely down at his pet.

"Hey Mister CookieBoots!" Alphonse felt a real swell of happiness in his chest for the first time in days, quickly crouching down and scooping his cat up, hugging and cuddling into his precious pet immediately, comforted by its softness and its happy purrs, and even by its claws pinching through his layers of clothing on his arm as it started to knead him with furry little paws.

"Wow, he's happy to see you." Gracia was still smiling and Alphonse spared a bit of his own real smile as he pressed a kiss to his cat's ear, making it shake its head and blink its blue eyes slowly up at him, his little nose getting wet with happiness as he purred louder. "Elicia is going to miss him, she's become so fond of having a pet." Gracia added with a soft sigh.

Alphonse knew he was supposed to say something to lead the conversation along, but he didn't want to make small talk. Still, he couldn't be too rude, so he asked the generally polite questions,

"How are Elicia and Jackson?" as he stroked his fingers through his cat's fur, little tufts of it floating off into the air.

Gracia nodded, watching him pet CookieBoots,

"They're well, Elicia's going to be in a play at school at the end of next week, just a few days before Roy's inauguration as Fuhrer." she informed, unconsciously listing the big events she was aware of that meant something to her.

And at hearing Mustang's name and being reminded of his being sworn in as Fuhrer soon, Alphonse was forced to think of Ed attending the function, which immediately led to thinking of Ed and Mustang spending time together and the entire thought process just trampled on whatever good feelings he'd been having right then.

Gracia must have noticed because her smile faded and she quietly sighed,

"I'll just, I'll fetch CookieBoots' stuff for you." she nodded.

Alphonse glanced at her,

"Thank you." he said quietly, and didn't watch as she walked away. When she went around the corner into the hall, he pursed his lips and pressed his mouth into the cat's fur, closing his eyes for a moment. He expected that at a much later date he'd probably…well, maybe, regret cutting ties with people, and he'd regret being so unfairly unpleasant to them, but right then he didn't care. He could barely focus on his own thoughts and feelings; how could he be expected to worry about others?

His agenda only included getting away from Ed, and in so doing, leaving Central first and then Amestris altogether.

And so, anybody involved with Ed, involved with Central, would be left behind too.

---

As it turned out, smuggling a cat into a hotel was not as easy to do when you didn't have a hulking suit of hollow armor in which to hide said cat. Alphonse discovered that the hard way when he realized that CookieBoots' cat carrier was too big and obvious and awkward and that coupled with all of his luggage and the additional pet stuff he'd picked up from Gracia, it made it impossible to hide. He would probably even need help getting his stuff up the stairs to his room…help that included carrying his cat carrier.

Alphonse was extra grateful then for the funds in the bank account. He'd made a short stop at the bank after Gracia's, and had withdrawn a reasonable amount to get him through the week, but at the hotel, he had to fork out more than he'd planned for them allow a cat to stay in the room with him.

It was worth it though, because once he was in the room, closed off from the world with just him and CookieBoots, for the first time in days, Alphonse felt a sense of calm, a sense of peace. It was only on the surface, like a temporary torniquet keeping everything from bleeding out, but it was okay for right then, even if he felt terribly exhausted.

It took some time to settle in and set up, but after setting out food, water and litter for CookieBoots, Alphonse stripped down to his briefs and then rummaged around in his luggage for something comfortable to wear. And after he'd had a quick shower to wash away his travels, he'd curled up in the middle of the double bed and closed his eyes.

He didn't fall asleep for a long time though, not until CookieBoots snuggled up against his back and purred and purred. Only then, did Alphonse fall asleep…

…and when he woke up in the morning, he really wasn't surprised to find that his pillow was damp from tears he didn't remember shedding.

---

I gotta' kill you my love.