A/N: Thanks again to my amazing beta The_Big_Wee_Hag! Any remaining mistakes are my own.

Chapter 7: Different sides

Two days after Kel found out about what Vania did, Vania was alone in the Captain's tent, arranging the stack of paperwork that she had completed for Kel in the order that she liked. Kel hadn't asked her to do it — in fact, Kel had not spoken a word to her in two whole days — but Vania figured that she should help. It was one of the few things she could do.

She was just about to sneak back out when Kel entered the tent. Their eyes met for a moment. Surprise flashed in Kel's eyes, and then she looked away, brushing past Vania on her way into the tent.

Vania's heart sank, and she left without looking back.

It was barely dinner time, but she had finished all her chores and everything she could think of doing for Kel already, so she made her way to the mess tent.

"It's ham and potato soup today, Vania!" Fran, the burly cook, called out cheerfully when he saw her, and was already ladling the soup before she opened her mouth, "You really liked it the last time, didn't you?"

Vania forced a smile. "I did."

The cook's smile fell a little at her lack of enthusiasm. She was usually more chatty, and he had always paid attention to what she liked. He had said that she reminded him of a niece he had back home.

Vania just wanted to leave. She took the bowl and hurriedly grabbed a bread roll. "Thank you," she said, and left the mess tent quickly, dodging the few men who were starting to make their way over.

Her own tent was next to Kel's, and it had been painful to be there knowing that her knight mistress was so close by but not talking to her. But she didn't have the mood to face the rest of the company tonight, so her tent would have to do.

When she sat down, she faced her soup and bread roll, and couldn't quite make herself eat them. She felt full from guilt alone. Her mind also reminded her that Kel was right, not only had Vania betrayed her, she had betrayed the whole company and lied to them too. How could she face them now? She didn't deserve Fran's kindness. Kel was right not to speak to her.

Who could she talk to? She wished Emmy was here. Emmy would understand, and she would hold her and kiss her and make her feel less wretched about it all.

"Vania?"

She looked up, and blinked when she realised that the light had changed. The sun had set fully outside, and the only light in her tent was the dim glow from the campfires outside. Kel's tent was dark.

Patrine pushed her tent flap open, and invited herself in, her own bowl of soup and bread roll in hand. "Why are you eating in the dark?"

"I…" she looked around, pulled her lantern over and lit it with her Gift. "I was just thinking."

Patrine placed her dinner on the small desk, and sat down across from her. "I didn't see you at dinner, but Fran said he'd seen you, so I figured I'd come over."

She smiled half heartedly, taking her spoon and stirred her soup around.

"He said you came in a while ago," Patrine said carefully, staring at Vania's long-cold bowl of soup.

Vania shrugged.

"Are you all right?"

Her hand froze.

"Kel didn't come over during training again today, and you look tired. And sad."

Vania hadn't been able to sleep well the past two nights. She had turned her conversation with Kel over and over in her head, and she had tried to think through her actions since the night Cateline had stumbled out of the bushes and begged her to set Adith free. She didn't regret that Cateline and Adith were now somewhere out there, building a life together free from politics. But could she have done things differently? Could she have set them free without going behind Kel's back?

"Did something happen?" Patrine asked again, gently.

Patrine knew about it, she reminded herself. The younger squire didn't know the specifics of how things had happened, but she must have known that Adith suddenly getting ill and being left behind had something to do with Vania.

It was as if that reminder set her free. Tears fell from her eyes, and she squeezed them shut as she bit back a sob.

"Vania, what is it?" Patrine's voice was worried, and she rubbed Vania's arm comfortingly.

"Kel found out," she finally said, sniffing, "about Adith."

Patrine's hand froze for a moment, before giving her arm a little squeeze. "Is she mad?"

Vania nodded, and rubbed her eyes with her free arm. "She won't talk to me. She told me not to go to her unless I'm summoned. It's been two whole days, and she still hasn't said a word to me. She passed a few messages through the men to give me things to do, but she won't — it's like she can't even look at me."

Patrine didn't say anything, just continued rubbing her arm in comfort.

"I've never seen her this mad before. I don't know what to do. She can't punish me without making people suspicious — she doesn't want the truth to spread because it'd impact morale, and it's not worth the trouble of explaining things to Eudes when he comes back — but I wish she would just yell at me, give me punishment I can do in private, or something. Anything is better than just not talking to me."

"Maybe she just needs to be mad for a while," Patrine said, sitting back. "Things will get back to normal after a few days."

Vania wanted to hold on to that hope, but it was a slippery one. "I don't know. I betrayed her, Patrine. I went behind her back. How is she going to trust me now?" She shook her head, wiping away a few tears. "She said I think I'm above the rules because I'm a princess, and maybe she's right. I don't think that way in my head, but maybe I act like it."

"You don't," Patrine said firmly, "you get your hands dirty like everyone else. You do your chores, even latrine duty. Do you know that no lady in the whole Minchi clan would ever go near that kind of work? They'd be shocked to hear that a princess is doing it."

Vania felt her lips quirk. "You do latrine duty."

Patrine rolled her eyes. "Of course I don't include myself with the likes of them. But I mean it. You never act like how I had expected a princess to act."

Vania chuckled half-heartedly. "Thank you. But… you know how Kel values fairness a lot? What I did, who I am… I am getting away with what I did. Adith and Cateline are free. And even if I were caught, I can take the consequences better than Kel could because of my status. I had counted on that," she said slowly, reckoning with the fact again and not liking what she saw, "I didn't tell Kel because I thought I could handle the consequences of being caught better than she could."

She met Patrine's eyes. "It's not fair. And Kel doesn't like things that are unfair. How am I going to… how am I going to keep being her squire if she thinks I can just get away with things?"

Patrine frowned. "You're focusing too much on this one thing. You have been a princess since you were born. Kel knew that, and she still took you on as a squire."

"But I've always been honest with her. I'd never… I'd never betrayed her trust, before this." Vania looked away, "You are wiser than me on this. You knew not to go behind Neal's back."

Patrine didn't have an answer immediately. "It's not the same thing," she finally said, her voice quiet.

Vania shrugged, not wanting to argue.

"Come on, you have to eat." Patrine finally said, pushing Vania's own bowl a little towards her. "And now my soup's gone cold too. This is your fault. Now you have to do the trick — warm it up for me."

Vania did so with her Gift, and Patrine made her warm up her own soup too. As they started eating, Patrine told her about her day, but kept keen eyes on Vania's bowl to make sure she finished her dinner.

Patrine offered to bring back her dishes too, and gave her a hug before she left. Vania took a shaky breath as she stood in her tent, taking small comfort in the fact that she was not as alone as she thought.

Two long days later, Kel still had not spoken a word with her. It shouldn't have surprised Vania how easy it was to avoid someone in a full company of the Own, but it did. Life went on, with the help of messages delivered via the men or Patrine.

Some of the men started asking questions about having to pass more messages than usual, but Vania deflected or made excuses, lying through her teeth again. She tried harder at putting up a cheerful front, alarmed that Fran and Patrine had picked up on her sullen mood earlier. If Kel didn't want the truth to get out because it might affect morale in the company and their standing with Tyra, then Vania would make sure it didn't.

She felt a little disgusted with herself though. How was it that she could lie so easily to people she trained and fought alongside with? How could she have decided to go behind Kel's back so easily? Was she really as good a person as she had thought she was?

The guilt kept eating away at her, so she tried to make it up in all the ways she knew how. She polished all of Kel's armour and gear without prompting, she finished all the mending that needed to be done. She prepared and sorted paperwork after dinner, slipping it onto Kel's desk when she was not there or handing it over through the company sergeants. She did twice the number of drills she knew Kel would usually have her go through, and pushed through the exhaustion she felt because she had not been sleeping well.

It was near dinner time on the fifth day when Neal found her deep in the healers' storage wagon, taking inventory.

"I'm starting to think it's not a good idea to have you do inventory."

Vania jumped, losing her count among the jars and almost losing her balance. Neal gripped her arm, holding her steady.

But Vania was staring at Neal, turning the words he said over her head, her heart beating too quickly. "What do you — do you—"

"Do I know what you did?" Neal asked with a raised eyebrow, annoyance in his eyes. "Yes. Kel wants to see you. Go."

"Neal, I'm sorry," she said quickly, feeling tears in her eyes. It wasn't just Kel's trust she had betrayed. "I really am."

Neal sighed. "Kel explained the whole story to me. I understand why you did it."

"You… you do?"

"It doesn't mean I'm not mad," Neal warned, "but you've been punished enough. You're running yourself ragged. Kel is driving herself crazy. The two of you need to talk. So go talk."

Vania felt rooted to the spot. She blinked at Neal.

Neal rolled his eyes, grabbed the logbook and quill from her hands, and pushed her forward. "She's at the top of the hill north of the campsite. Go!"

And so she did, heading there in a daze.

She found Kel sitting on the grass, looking at the rolling hills below the rise. She started walking over, but stopped a few feet away, trying to build up her courage to speak.

"I heard you coming," Kel suddenly said, and tilted her head to her right. "Sit down."

She went over slowly, sneaking a look at her knight mistress as she folded her legs beneath her and sat down. Kel's face did not betray any feelings, as usual. Her palpable anger from a few nights ago did not seem to be present, though.

"I know you've been working very hard the past few days," Kel began, still keeping her eyes on the hills in the distance, "You're trying to punish yourself because I won't, and I can't. You should stop, or you're going to get yourself sick."

Vania hung her head. Was there really nothing she could do to make up for this?

Kel sighed, and ran her hand through her short hair. "Neal reminded me that you aren't the first person who defied orders and snuck around to do what you think is right. Even though I am hurt that you went behind my back—"

Vania winced.

"—your plan was sound, and it set two lives free without damaging ties between us and Tyra. You understood the risks, weighed them, and came up with a plan that involved as few people as possible. You almost got away with it. If I hadn't cared so much about how you might feel about losing someone you were trying to save, I wouldn't have thought so much about it, and I wouldn't have found the flaws and become suspicious. I should commend you on that."

Vania brought her knees up, and hugged them close. "Please don't say that."

"It's the truth. I was reluctant to see it because I felt betrayed. You betrayed my trust."

"I know," Vania whispered.

"I was also angry that you didn't trust me," Kel continued, and Vania turned to her in surprise. "You didn't trust that I could handle a difficult position, as you put it. Or you didn't trust that I could treat Cateline and Adith with the same kindness and generosity that you've shown them, maybe because I'm not a honeylove."

Vania shook her head. "No, I—"

Kel held up a hand. "I'm not done," her tone held a note of warning, and Vania shut up. Kel kept her eyes on her. "It was insulting that my squire thinks she has to coddle me. If you don't appreciate by now that being a commander is about making difficult choices all the time, then I haven't been teaching you right. And being good at my job means I have to see things from other people's point of view all the time. If you had taken the time to explain why setting Cateline and Adith free meant so much to you, I would have listened, and I would have considered that when I had to think through my choices."

Kel paused, and Vania wiped her eyes quickly. Kel was right. Vania hadn't just betrayed her, she had insulted her with her choice to keep her in the dark. She was about to apologise again when Kel spoke.

"I was also frustrated because you were right. If things had gone badly, the consequences that you would face would be lighter than the consequences that I would have to face, simply because you're a princess, and your parents would protect you. It's unfair, but that's the way things are." Kel shook her head, "I was frustrated that your plan was executed so well that I couldn't even be seen punishing you without rousing suspicions. You've checked me into a corner and tied my hands."

Kel let out a long sigh. "Well played."

Vania gasped through her tears, finding it a little hard to breathe. "Kel, please, that wasn't how I thought about it at all. I was just focusing on helping Cateline and Adith! I would never—"

"I know," Kel said, giving her a tired smile. "That's the thing. I do know that. I know your heart is in the right place, and you were trying to do the right thing. But I need you to understand how I feel, and I need you to trust me more, enough that you'd bring it to me the next time something like this happens, and not feel like you have to handle it yourself. Do you understand?"

Vania let out a sob as she nodded. Why was Kel being so kind to her? How could she have deserved this after betraying her trust?

She couldn't stop sobbing. She had been a fool, thinking too highly of herself and too lowly of Kel.

When she felt Kel rub her back, she cried harder, burying her face in between her knees.

Kel stayed right beside her the whole time, offering comfort and forgiveness.

When Emmy reached her room next to Alanna's in the palace, she promptly dropped her bags by the door, removed her cloak, and flopped onto her bed. She had not expected to be back in Corus again so soon, but Alanna wanted to be here to keep an eye on the newest female squires, Jessamine of Jesslaw and Wilina of Rosemark, and help find them knight masters if she could. Emmy was both touched and a little embarrassed — she hadn't even been keeping track of time so closely, and she had known Jessie and Wilina personally, had trained them in unarmed combat when Alanna was in the Copper Isles. How could she have forgotten? Patrine had been so anxious about finding a knight master last year, and Emmy had helped her out. Why hadn't she realized that all the female squires coming up — and there were a few more younger female pages among the ranks — would need knight masters too?

How was it May already?

No one had let Emmy do much in the past two weeks because her arm was still healing. It was mostly healed now, but it still twinged every now and then, and she had been trying to build her strength back up. After they had handed the bandits they caught to the town magistrates, an urgent call for help had come from a nearby village damaged by mudslide. While the Riders, Gerald, and even Liam helped with the heavy lifting and the rebuilding of houses, Emmy helped fetch small things and tended to the wounded. Alanna had watched her like a hawk, reminding her a few times that she was still wounded herself. It had frustrated her because she had felt fine.

When the rebuilding was done, Alanna had announced that she was going back to Corus to run some errands. It was only when the two of them were on the road by themselves that Alanna had explained the real reason why she wanted to be back.

It was too late for dinner service now, and Emmy contemplated whether it was worthwhile to make her way to the kitchen for proper food, or if she could just eat the few jerky strips she had left and call it a day. She was exhausted. Alanna had been determined to be back in the palace and 'get a proper bath and sleep on a proper bed' tonight, so they had ridden hard. When they arrived, Alanna went straight for a bath, and Emmy went straight for her bed. She should get a bath herself, she knew. But it felt like too much work right now.

Someone knocked on the door.

She groaned, wondering who it was. Alanna would have used the side door that connected her room to her own suite, so this must be someone else. But they had just arrived, who would be looking for her already?

The person knocked again, impatient.

She sighed, and pushed herself up to answer it.

"Hungry?" Vania grinned, holding a tray of steaming food that made Emmy's stomach growl.

"Yes," she said, opening the door wide and ushering her in. "How did you know I'm back? When did you get back?"

Vania set the tray on the desk by the window, and turned around with a smirk. "I have my sources," she said, and pulled Emmy in by her waist, kissing her hard. Emmy touched her cheek, savouring the taste of her hungrily.

When the kiss ended, Vania kept her arms around her, hugging her tightly. "I missed you."

"I missed you too," Emmy repeated quietly.

They would have held on longer, but Emmy's stomach growled again, and Vania let her go with a laugh. "Let's take care of that first."

Emmy grinned sheepishly, and started digging in. Vania pulled up a chair and sat down on her left.

"You haven't answered my question — when did you get back?"

"Two days before you did. We have to restock our supplies, and I think there's another Council meeting that my father wants Kel to join," Vania explained while resting her head on her elbow, watching Emmy eat with a content expression on her face. "They want to discuss how the spidren treaty is going. Isn't that why Aunt Alanna is also back?"

Emmy paused. "She did say she has errands to run. But she told me she wants to help Jessie and Wilina with their knight masters — can you believe they're both squires now?"

Vania's eyes widened, and she sat up straighter. "They are! I can't believe I'd forgotten the timing! I need to go see them soon — I still remember them being so little!"

Emmy smirked. "Does that make you feel even older?"

Vania's eyes narrowed, and she reached out to punch her arm. "As if you —"

Her fork fell, clattering onto the plate. She let out a wince before she could help it, her arm twitching a little at the throbbing at her almost-healed wound.

"What's wrong? Are you hurt?" Vania leaned forward, her hands outstretched but hesitant.

She placed her knife on the tray, and reached out with her good hand to take Vania's. "I'm fine now. Don't worry. It's almost healed."

Vania was frowning at her arm. "What happened? Can I see?"

"I may have gotten a little shot."

Vania raised her eyebrows, incredulous. "A little?"

She sighed, and turned around so she could take both of Vania's hands into her own, making sure to squeeze with her left hand to show her that her arm was fine and working now. Then, she told her what happened.

Vania was looking a shade paler by the time she was done. She glanced at Emmy's arm. "You were shot from the back, by crossbows?"

Emmy nodded, bracing herself.

"It could have been through your heart," Vania whispered, "if you had been just a little slower —"

"I wasn't," Emmy said firmly, squeezing Vania's hands, "I'm here. I'm fine now. Don't dwell on the what-ifs, love."

Vania's eyes bored into hers, wide and scared. Emmy couldn't take it anymore. She stood up and wrapped her arms around Vania's. Vania hugged her back immediately, tightly.

"I'm here," Emmy repeated quietly, feeling Vania shaking in her arms, "I'm fine."

It took a few more moments, but Vania slowly calmed down. Finally, she took a ragged breath, and pulled back.

Emmy stayed standing. She brushed a few stray hairs away from Vania's face, and placed a kiss on her forehead.

"I love you, sweet," Vania said, looking up and smiling weakly at her, "but I swear you will drive me crazy one day. You and your heroics."

"I'm sorry, I know you don't like it. But my lady's life was in danger, I had to."

"I know. I know she means a lot to you," Vania said, and tugged her so that she would sit back down. "Is your arm still hurting? It shouldn't be after two weeks. Have you told Aunt Alanna?"

"She checks it every day, she knows."

Vania frowned. "But that doesn't make sense, the healing should have taken care of it by now."

"She didn't want to heal it completely with the Gift. She said I've had too many big healings for my age already, and she worries that I'd develop a resistance to it too young, like she did. She didn't want to use the Gift on me unless absolutely necessary."

"When did she…" Vania shook her head, "she never told me."

"I don't think it's something she talks about. She developed a resistance to Gift-based healing in her late thirties. She only told me so that I'd understand why she's doing this, that she's trying to help me."

Vania nodded sadly. She took Emmy's hands and kissed her knuckles. "Why is life so hard on you?"

Emmy smiled, and reached out to tilt Vania's chin up so she was looking at her properly. "Funny, I was just thinking how good life has been to me. It gave me you, the first day I began page training." Vania's lip quirked upwards. "It gave me Lady Alanna, who's changed my life so much. I was thinking about Jessie and Wilina earlier. They can't have my lady as their knight mistress. They'll never know how good a knight mistress she is. Somehow, I have that good fortune instead."

"You've earned that honour," Vania said firmly. But in the next moment, she sighed. "But I do know what you mean. They won't get to have Kel, either. And Kel has been… incredible." She looked down, her voice suddenly quiet, "she's been kinder to me than I deserve."

Emmy frowned. "What do you mean?"

Vania sighed. "It's a long story…"

And Vania told her everything. She told her about meeting Cateline, freeing Adith, Kel finding out, and Kel forgiving her.

Emmy sat frozen, stunned. On one hand, she was glad that Cateline and Adith were now free to carve out a future for themselves. On the other, how could Vania have pulled this off? Emmy couldn't imagine doing something similar to Alanna.

"I don't know how she could be so kind after what I did…" Vania said when she finished her story, wiping her eyes quickly.

"I don't understand it, either," Emmy muttered.

Vania looked up at her sharply.

"Vania, I don't understand, why did you lie to her? Why didn't you just tell her the truth?"

Vania leaned back, disbelief on her face. "I just told you, I didn't want to put her in a difficult position! She's Captain of Third Company, she had direct orders to send the Tyra group back to the border. Asking her to let someone go would be defying direct orders, but ignoring Cateline or Adith would have weighed on her conscience. I was trying to save her from making that choice!"

"But she's your knight mistress — you even call her Kel, and not by her title. You told me you think of her as a friend. How could you —" She noted the growing defensiveness in Vania's posture, and turned quieter, "— I just don't understand how you could betray her trust like that. I can't imagine doing the same to my lady."

Vania opened her mouth, and no words came out. She looked around the room, an incredulous look on her face. She crossed her arms. "I was looking at the big picture. There were many things to consider, and I went with the best way I knew that could set Adith free."

"Even if it means breaking Kel's trust? Kel isn't just anyone, she's your knight mistress. We know she's kind, and she's been keeping our secret for us. If you could do that to Kel—" she hesitated, seeing the hurt look in Vania's eyes, "— I'm not saying you'll betray everyone else. I just… I just can't believe you did that."

Vania was speechless for a moment. Her fingers dug into her arms. "I can't believe you don't see the big picture even after I've explained it twice to you, either."

Emmy clenched her fists. "I see the 'big picture'. I just don't understand why loyalty to your knight mistress and friend doesn't seem to mean much to you."

Vania threw her arms up in frustration. "For Mithros' sake, there were many more factors at play here! You said you see the big picture, but you don't seem to grasp that loyalty is just one factor! It was a complicated situation, and I tried my best! Just because I don't stupidly sacrifice myself, it doesn't mean I'm not trying to do the right thing!"

Emmy stared at Vania for a moment, noting the hint of disdain in her eyes and wondering briefly if it had always been buried in her. The hurt she felt made it hard to speak, but she finally managed.

"I know I'm not as smart as you. But at least I know enough to know that you don't betray the people you care about."

Vania gave her one long, hard look. Then, she stood up and left.

After the door closed behind her, Emmy felt tears fall from her eyes. She closed her mouth with her palm to block out a sob, feeling herself shake and unable to stop.

What just happened?