A/N:

It's time to hear from Edward...

Thank you all so much to my girls for being so invested in this - your support is everything (PP) ❤️

Couldn't do this without my awesome beta for TOTGA, Fran - thank you!

Special mention for Lauren, Erin and April for their amazing feedback on this chapter ❤️

x

7

Mistakes

o-O-o

"What are you moping about?"

Edward started, turning to face the brunette sitting next to him. Naomi raised her eyebrow, and he sighed. "Nothing." He crossed his arms on the table in front of him, trying desperately not to let himself look to his left, look to where she was sitting.

He'd fucked up so badly.

Again.

The ache that had been present in his chest since Bella told him she hated him panged painfully, deepening somehow.

"Ed, you've barely eaten the past few days, and you look tired, come on…what's up? Talk to me!" Edward met Naomi's deep brown eyes and gave her an easy smile.

"I'm fine Nai, seriously. Just worried about this test tomorrow." It wasn't a complete lie. For the first time in his life, Edward was actually struggling to keep up with his fellow students.

Academic stuff had always come easy to Edward; he'd never really had to work for anything, never had to study particularly hard. He'd sailed through school with an excellent GPA, even sailed through pre-med, but things were different now.

Edward's academic success was strongly rooted in the fact he had an eidetic memory. He read very quickly, and once he'd read it and understood it, he never forgot it. He knew he was lucky, but as a teenager, and even through college, Edward had taken his luck for granted. He'd breezed through, never really pushing himself, never teaching himself important studying habits or methods to process things.

He'd fucked up. That natural talent he'd counted on didn't work anymore, not for med school. There was too much to remember, too many things to understand, and he had to apply them constantly. For the first time in his life, he was having to actually study, and he'd never had to discipline himself like this before. He didn't know how to study effectively, and as a result, the people who he'd always managed to outdo with little effort were swiftly overtaking him, leaving Edward behind. It was getting so bad, that he'd actually been pulled aside the week before by one of his professors, who'd urged him to try and catch up before it was too late.

It was a strange feeling, failure. He'd always been a natural at sports, at school, with girls. Honestly, he'd been a natural at fucking everything.

Almost everything.

He wasn't a natural at being with Bella. That he'd just fucked up, again and again. He'd fucked up when he kissed her the first time, and they'd devoured each other, right there on the couch. He'd fucked up when he couldn't keep his hands off her after that when she consumed his every waking thought.

He'd told himself it was just fun a hundred times - a thousand times, even though deep down he knew it was more. She'd been his best friend, the person he'd told things nobody else knew, the only girl he truly wanted to be with, spend time with, kiss, fuck, touch. Their connection was like live wires, every look she sent his way, the feel of her small body against his, the way she said his name.

Back then, Edward didn't want to want her, to need her, but he did so fucking badly that he couldn't even look at another girl without feeling guilty. It had made him want to hate Bella, for fucking him up, for turning him into one of those stupid assholes who fell at the feet of their partner like a fucking dog. Edward didn't want people to know he could be sweet, that he was capable of being a sappy bastard, that he would happily ditch his other friends to be with her. It's why he kept them hidden, why he didn't want to tell anyone about what they were doing. Telling people made it real, and it couldn't be real; it just couldn't.

At that party, he'd panicked, blindly said things, horrible things he didn't fucking mean. It took Bella leaving for him to realize how he felt about her. That he loved her. That he'd made the biggest fucking mistake of his life.

Edward sighed wearily. He should have called her sooner, he should have told her the truth sooner, but every time he'd thought about reaching out, he'd replayed the hurt look on her face when she left that party and stopped himself. He'd hurt her so badly, broken both of their hearts with his stupidity. She deserved better than him, deserved to move on and be happy, be with someone worthwhile.

At Em's party, he hadn't meant to tell her how he felt. He just wanted to apologize, deliver the words he'd practiced over and over throughout the years, tell her how much he regretted what he'd done, that he was a stupid kid, with no good fucking excuse except he was an asshole. He wanted to try and be friends with her again, have her back in his life in some capacity because god knows he thought about her every fucking day, missed her every fucking day.

But then she'd been standing in front of him, as beautiful as ever, her bright blue eyes staring into his with so many emotions he'd felt like he was falling through the floor, just falling and falling. She made his heart ache; that's how much he fucking loved her. Bella had moved on, and he desperately tried to tell himself she was happier, she was better off, but he'd been selfish, he'd had to tell her how he felt, had to make her understand he loved her too, that he still loved her. He was desperate for them to be in each other's lives again; he needed her.

But telling her had been a fuck up too because it had made her cry, and seeing Bella cry always made Edward want to rip the whole world down to make her stop. Especially when he was responsible for her tears.

When she'd stopped crying and looked up at him with those big blue eyes, all tiny and so fucking right in his arms, he'd felt it, that hum between them that seemed to set every single part of him on fire, that sent all the blood in his body to his cock.

No girl, before or since, had ever caused such a visceral reaction in him. She doused him in fucking flames, electrified every nerve ending, made his hair stand on end. He'd never wanted anyone the way he wanted her, never needed someone, the way he needed her. And she fucking felt it too, still felt it, even now.

The way she looked at him, even when she was angry…cheeks flushed with arousal, her eyes hooded. She wanted him; she wanted him just as badly as he wanted her. He knew she had a boyfriend, but he couldn't fucking help himself.

Teasing her at work, or when he was with her, he didn't do that shit on purpose; he just kept losing control. When she looked at him with those big blue eyes, all hooded and hungry for him, he did things and said things he never planned to. He couldn't help his reactions to her, just like she couldn't help hers to him, and fucking watching her try to deny she wanted him when she was practically panting, her chest rising and falling, fucking him with her eyes, it drove him to insanity.

He just wanted her to admit it. Admit that she wanted him, that she still had feelings for him, in some capacity. Alec seemed nice enough; he seemed fine, but Bella didn't want him like she wanted Edward, he could tell; he'd always been able to read her. That's why he'd made that plan with Tanya. He was trying to make the guy she'd been sleeping with jealous, and he just wanted Bella to be honest with him. It had been a colossal fuck up, but he hadn't expected her to be so fucking jealous that she kissed him. He hadn't expected the way she'd moaned into his mouth at the touch of his lips, like she was going to fucking die.

Edward knew then, as her mouth moved hungrily against his, that she hadn't been fucked properly in years, that she hadn't been satisfied, not like he could satisfy her. She'd been so fucking hungry for him, arching into his body, her tongue searching his mouth for his like she was starving for him, desperate to taste. She'd been so fucking wet for him, and he knew that her boyfriend couldn't do that to her, that she needed Edward more.

When she'd left the elevator, he felt guilty for what they'd done, but underneath, he was ecstatic. She wanted him, genuinely wanted him, and if he could just talk to her, maybe they could be friends again, and maybe from there, he could finally be with her. She could fall in love with him again, see that he'd changed, that he wasn't a stupid kid anymore, that he wanted to treat her right, to be good to her, be good for her.

Then she'd found out about Tanya and dropped that fucking bomb on him. He'd felt like he was dying when he heard her say the words.

I'm still in love with you.

Edward sighed, dropping his fork on his plate. He couldn't help himself from lifting his head, his eyes drawn to her like magnets. She was sitting with her friend, Annabelle, her hair tied up in a bun, a few tendrils dangling across her beautiful, heart-shaped face. She took his fucking breath away.

She suddenly tensed and turned her head in his direction, her bright blue eyes meeting his. For a second, they stared at each other, and Edward felt something curl under his ribs, his feelings for her so strong they practically wrenched his rib cage open. Then she shot him a glare and turned away, causing Edward's chest to hollow, a deep ache settling there.

He deserved it. He fucking deserved it.

No matter how much he loved her, he had to leave her alone. It wasn't fair to her; he'd already fucked up enough. He just wanted her to be happy. He was sure she'd fixed things with her boyfriend by now, and if she wanted to be with him, Edward wouldn't stand in her way.

He wasn't going to be selfish with her anymore. Bella made his world tilt on his axis, drove him crazy, made him do stupid shit he'd outgrown. He was better than that; he'd spent years becoming better than that. Everything had derailed when he saw her again, but he wasn't going to be the reason she broke—not this time. She was right about him, he was toxic for her, and he couldn't blame her for hating him, for hating the fact she loved him.

Maybe one day she'd forgive him enough to be friends; that was all he could hope for.

Edward pushed some food around his plate, that ache in his chest deepening even more, stretching down to his hips. Bella deserved so much better, and he would leave her alone now, even if it broke his heart.

Let me know what you're thinking and thank you so, so much for all the reviews, follows and favourites. So far, everyone's been hating Edward, what are you thinking after this chapter?

Ella xx