She Didn't Have Time:

Chapter 7:

Authors Note: I thought about some stuff after the fact in the last chapter, and so I added them in here, and we're just going to pretend like they've already happened. (Because in this chapter I wrote them as if they had already happened.) Maybe eventually I'll edit the previous chapter.

TIME HOP

Landon 8 Months Old

"Hi Landon, I'm your Daddy." Derek says, much to my dismay. He reaches out to take Landon from me, to hold him. Landon pulls away from the 'strange man' and pushes his little body as close to me as possible with me holding him, turning his face so it is buried in my hair instead of looking at Derek, as he starts to cry. "Mama, Mama, Mama!"

"You can't say words like 'Daddy' Mr. Shepherd. You'll confuse him." The social worker cuts in, over the intercom from outside the glassed playroom.

"So, what exactly should I say? I am his Daddy."

"Take things slowly. Start with your name." She suggests and Derek huffs at her, and turns to me, I had taken a seat in one of the hard plastic chairs, and started gently bouncing our crying little boy, whispering gentle words to him.

"It's OK Landon baby." I soothe. "You're okay sweetheart."

"Hi Landon, I'm Derek." He tries again. He takes a toy from the diaper bag and rattles it at the crying baby, who looks up, between Derek and I, doubtfully.

"Do you want to go see Derek?" I ask Landon. "You can play with toys. Lets sit here and play!" The little room had a nice, padded ground, and a combination of baby toys, things for toddlers to climb on, and some stuff for older kids. "Look Landon a Elmo bouncer!" I say excitedly, bringing him over to the baby bouncer and sitting him in. He looks like he is about to start wailing again, but I quickly push a button to start the music, and he considers it for a moment and then starts to bounce and play with the attached toys.

"He hates me." Derek murmurs.

"No." I correct him. "He just doesn't know you. You will always be his father, but Mark has been there for him since he was a newborn baby. You abandoned us, and Mark stepped up into that roll of Landon's father figure. It will take time for him to get to know you."

"How do we make this work?" Derek asks, pushing the button on the bouncer again, and Landon giggles up at him, bouncing up and down and rattling the set of toy keys.

"Do you want to make it work, because honestly I'm not bothered either way. You didn't even show up, wanting to see him until I filed abandonment paperwork to have your parental rights terminated." Landon starts fussing again, and I dig in the diaper bag, popping his pacifier in his mouth. He smiles that silly paci smile and starts playing again though tears still fall down his little cheeks.

"Of course, I want to work this out with you. He's, my son. I've already missed out on so much. He doesn't know me and it's breaking my heart." He says, looking at me vulnerably. "Mark wants to adopt him and I just- I can't sign those papers saying I will never be allowed to truly know my son."

"I would never do that to you Derek." I say, a little hurt. "Adoption or no adoption I will never keep your son from you. We just need to both show up. We can work through this. He just needs to get to know you."

"Do we have to do this here? Maybe he would be more comfortable at home, or even at a playpark or something." Derek suggests. Looking around at the industrials of the community centers playroom. When we went to court for the abandonment charge, Derek cried about how he made a mistake, and wants to be in Landon's life. They ordered mandatory supervised visitation twice a week.

"Maybe eventually, but right now, this is better for everyone." I say as gently as I can without directly saying 'I'm glad the judge ordered this, because don't trust you enough to do this any other way.'

"I want regular visitation."

"That is a goal to work towards." I agree.

"Mark would be a better father." Derek admits, miserably. "He always was the better man." I stay silent at this, just playing with Landon. "You'll allow me to know him?" Derek asks, looking down at the beautiful little boy we created.

"As much or as little as you want."

"I would never hurt him, or you Addison. I'm so sorry for what I did."

"I know you are." I say, before the voice over the intercom interrupts us again.

"You have five minutes left Mr. Shepherd."

"Okay." He says and turns back to me. I take Landon out of the bouncer and sit him on the floor between us. He realizes that Derek is too close for his personal comfort and climbs up my lap, signing "milk mama" and snuggling close again. He's ready to eat, and then I know he will go straight to sleep. We are quiet for a moment, both just watching him.

"Hey Landon….I'll see you again soon, Okay?" Derek says, when the worker lets us know, his time is up. He gently touches Landon's little hand, and smiles when he doesn't scream.

"It will just take time." He says.

"Yeah…." I murmur. "Time."

"How did visitation go?" Mark asks, wrapping his arms around me, kissing my neck, and then taking Landon from me, smothering him with hugs and kisses, and flying him in the air, causing him to shriek with excited giggles while I set my bag down and pour myself a glass of wine from the kitchen.

"It went." I say, unenthused, coming back into the entryway, taking off my shoes and sitting them by the door.

"Are you okay? You look tired, and you're reaching for alcohol, that's… different."

"I'm fine." I say, taking a long drink as we settle down in the living room. Mark buckling Landon in his swing, and setting it to medium speed, with the gentle music playing. I got the OK to use the playroom for a few more minutes and nursed Landon, and then fed him some of the baby food I had brought with me. He looks so sleepy, rocking back and forth. I wish my life could be as peaceful as his is in this very moment.

"Uh huh." He says, doubtfully.

"I don't want this to become a thing. I don't want Derek back in our lives. I know I said something different. I know I wanted to give him a chance, but my stomach hurts and I feel like I am going to throw up."

"Oh sweetheart…" He soothes, taking the glass from me, and sitting it on the coffee table before pulling me into a tight hug. "It's going to be ok. It will just take time."

"That's what everyone says... I just... I don't want Derek to have him." I am crying now. "He hasn't been here, you've always been here for him; you want to adopt him. We were going to be a family and now-"

"—now we're still a family." Mark says, kissing me softly. "We've always been a family. Derek having visitation isn't going to change that, and adoption… it's just a piece of paper."