More than Making Music

by Nightelfy

It's been three years since Given was asked to debut. It's been two years since Uenoyama Ritsuka began his solo career. Once the prospects of launching an album appear on the horizon, Uenoyama finds himself at a crossroads, as his separation from his band and his break-up with Mafuyu begin to overwhelm his judgment and affect his life.

7. Chapter 7

„That's everything. Thank you for your hard work."

Uenoyama's ears are buzzing with the sound of the last cord he strummed. It was a bit too forceful, and he doesn't catch the sound engineer's words. With the guitar still vibrating in his hands, he lifts his gaze to the window separating him from the control room. While he can't decipher the sound engineer's impartial expression, Itaya's broad smile clears his doubts.

It's done, Uenoyama thinks, standing up straight and removing the guitar strap from over his shoulder. The album is complete.

Uenoyama steps out of the live room with the guitar in his hand, sweat beads dripping down his forehead. Itaya is so quick to embrace him that he almost loses his footing for a swift moment.

„Look, Uecchi, I brought champagne!" he chirps, and Uenoyama's eyes dart to the big bottle in his hand. „I thought that maybe we could do the thing they do at car races when — "

„You can't open that here!" The sound engineer jumps up from his chair and extends his arms as though trying to protect the equipment.

Itaya retreats, and his smile fades to the point there's no trace of it. Now wearing a deep pout, he pushes Uenoyama outside the recording room.

„Pfft, I didn't know celebrating the breakthrough of a lifetime is ILLEGAL nowadays," Itaya speaks through his teeth as they walk down the corridor, looking to exit the building. „I mean, of course, I would've been careful. I'm not even half as clumsy as I look."

Uenoyama is following closely behind him, his friend's rant passing by his ears. He is finding it hard to focus. And while struggling to adjust to the world around him, he almost bumps into Itaya when he stops without warning.

„Ah, so glad I caught up to you guys before you left."

Uenoyama glances up and spots Take waving at them, his confident smirk adorning the corner of his lips.

„I was notified that the recording session ended, and I wanted to congratulate you in person."

„Thank you very much!" Itaya is quick to reply. He winces almost immediately and then turns to the side, revealing a flustered Uenoyama. „Oh, yeah, sorry. Uenoyama is grateful, too. Right, Uecchi?"

„Th-thank you. It's been an honor working here," he says automatically, hiding his zoned-out expression underneath a polite bow.

Take nods and adjusting the glasses on his nose, he opens his mouth to speak. „You guys put in a lot of work, and the result is evident. The music is outstanding, if I do say so myself. And because of the craze, the album release is generating on our social media, we're considering a concert too."

Uenoyama stands up straight and doesn't come out of his mind until Itaya presses a hand to his shoulder.

„So, in the meantime, I suggest you keep coming for rehearsals," Take offers, and Itaya starts talking loudly, his excitement again coming alive

Itaya thanks Take for the opportunity, and they exchange a few dates and other details. Take also informs that from now on, Uenoyama will have a rehearsal room reserved in his name, which he can access at any time.

„You did great, Ritsuka. Who would have thought that the kid I saw that day on stage alongside Given will come this far?" Take pauses briefly, his smile reappearing. „I believe in you and your music. And because of that, you have my full support, so don't be afraid to ask if you need anything."

Take then reaches his hand out towards Uenoyama. He nods, and after they shake hands, Take retreats, wishing them a pleasant evening.

Itaya pushes Uenoyama out of the studio. Once outside, he cheers loudly, alive with nervous excitement, shaking, and so red in the face Uenoyama double-takes to confirm he is still breathing.

„I'm just too..." Itaya says, throwing the bottle of champaign in Uenoyama's hands. „I can't believe this is happening. Maybe you should pinch me. No, that's going to hurt. Oh, wait, that's what I want. Because if it hurts, then that means this is all real!"

„You know it is, Shougo," Uenoyama huffs, unable to oppose smiling after seeing his friend's genuine excitement manifesting so freely. „This whole time, everything we did... was to get to this point."

„That's right," Itaya agrees and looks up, Uenoyama noticing how much his eyes are glowing. „Oh, well, this is embarrassing," Itaya gushes as tears streaming down his cheeks, „but I'm just so happy."

Uenoyama shakes his head and goes to ruffle his friend's hair. Itaya is clumsy in his gestures as he begins to check his pockets for tissues.

„I'm so proud of you, Uecchi," Itaya utters and blows his nose loudly. „I said it before, and I'll say it again. You have no idea just... So proud. I didn't doubt you for a second."

Uenoyama does his best to mimic Itaya's joyful expression and excitement, although nothing can come close to his outburst of emotion. He pats his friend on the back, and they continue their walk down the street.

„What about this bottle, then?" Uenoyama asks, seeing that he ended up carrying it to the train station.

„Ah, well, since I couldn't open it to mark the moment, and you don't want to get a drink, I'll leave it to you to give it a purpose," Itaya winks before they go their separate ways at the train platform.

I told him that rehearsals have exhausted me and that I need some time off, Uenoyama thinks, riding the train home. I'm sure we can celebrate some other time, Shougo. When it feels right to celebrate.

For many days after the bitter reunion with Mafuyu, there was a lot of anger. Uenoyama can't remember much of the aftermath of their encounter apart from the fact that he arrived home with such a burning rage inside of him that he wanted nothing more than to bail on everything. Erase everybody from his life. Never talk to anybody again. Stay in the house for the rest of his days if needed—anything to escape the hurt throbbing throughout him, rendering his mind a pile of conflicting and vague thoughts.

He fought himself many times to recall why he needed friends in the first place, why he heeded any of their advice. And most curious of all, why he allowed himself to fall for Mafuyu again.

He just... showed up at the right time. He helped me through some really tough times. He might have... caught some feelings for me.

The thoughts replay in his mind, and for the first time, Mafuyu's voice comes to sting him. Despite banging his fist again the wall, Uenoyama never settles any of his dilemmas. But at least some of the anger dispersed.

He exhales and, wrapping his arms around his head, he sits in the silence of his apartment, allowing his mind to become blank. And in that solace, he forces himself to become truthful to his feelings.

Feeling a little more clear-headed, Uenoyama lifts his eyes and directs them to the balcony door. He stands up, wobbling his way to his guitar bag, and picks up his cigarette packet.

While I had no way of knowing that things would turn out this way, Uenoyama thinks vaguely, lighting a cigarette, would I have acted differently if I did? Probably not. Because I wanted to be with Mafuyu more than anything else. But in the end, everything I did was to postpone the inevitable.

„Triple dumped," Uenoyama scoffs as he lights another cigarette, „by the same person." He shakes his head, the bitter taste of the cigarettes settling on his tongue. There's no doubt about it anymore, Uenoyama thinks critically, I am the biggest idiot.

Uenoyama flinches as some of the cigarette's ash lands on his hand, scorching his skin. He is clumsy, but that's because he is unfocused, his mind still a clump of scattered and unprocessed thoughts.

It's hard to concentrate these days, Uenoyama thinks irritably. My breakup with Mafuyu pushed me to sever the ties with my family and friends. But also because of him, I am closer to everybody once more. I promised them I would try to do my best, that I won't repeat the mistakes of the past. And yet, I am back right to where I started. I've been walking in circles this whole time...

„However, that's not true," Uenoyama then says, and his eyes narrow. I've been signed to a record label. I'm launching an album. My friends and family are there for me, even if I wasn't for them. So maybe I shouldn't be so quick to want to push them away again... or hate myself, for that matter. As for Mafuyu...

Uenoyama stops and lowers his head for a moment, the feelings he has associated with the name still sending chills throughout his body. While forgiveness is not something I can offer him or myself, he then thinks, I must trust that it will come at some point...at one point...

Stirring from one foot to the other, Uenoyama settles his gaze upon the snow-covered city before him. He exhales, noting how peaceful and quiet everything is from afar. The smoke from his cigarette is the only thing seemingly disturbing the serenity of the world before him.

„I wish it were now," Uenoyama says and extinguishes the cigarette.

With the album now completed and the holidays approaching, Uenoyama finds himself with a lot more free time on his hands. And since Yayoi told his parents about his availability, he often gets roped into many of their domestic activities.

Uenoyama doesn't refuse any of their dinner invitations and ends up spending a lot more time in his family's company, at his childhood home. It keeps him distracted and busy, and during those jumbled days, that's precisely what he needs.

Beats staying alone at the apartment, if nothing else, Uenoyama thinks as he is getting ready to go Christmas shopping with his sister.

They wander the streets for hours, going from shop to shop, Yayoi's energy unrelenting. Uenoyama follows her around, having close to no say in the things she buys. He's clueless as to not only what his parents want or need but what his friends wish for too. He hasn't bought any presents for years and feels lost every time they step into a different store.

The way his sister has everything figured out, however, how she knows exactly what everybody wants, leaves Uenoyama somewhat astounded and slightly remorseful. She ended up being a better friend to my friends than I ever was, he thinks bitterly.

„Thank you for the save," Uenoyama says as they finish wrapping up the gifts for Haruki and Akihiko.

„Oh, no need to thank me. Everything we bought went on your card, and you're also the one doing the carrying. So it's a win-win for me if I've ever seen one," Yayoi giggles, placing one more beautifully wrapped gift in her brother's hands.

Uenoyama exhales, truthfully admitting to himself that there's nothing to complain about. He nods, and smiling, continues wrapping up the remainder of the gifts alongside his sister.

It's almost evening, and while his hands are starting to ache, his sister's energy is nowhere near depleted. Just as he's about to open his mouth and suggest they head back home, Yayoi turns to him.

„Is everything ok?" he asks, her worry abrupt and slightly unnerving.

„I feel like I'm missing something," Yayoi says, lost in thought, counting the gifts. „Is there anybody we forgot?"

„You think?!" Uenoyama cries out from behind a mountain of bags and boxes.

„No, no, hold on, Rikka," she says and retreats, scouring her mind for answers. „So mom, dad, Take, both sets of grandparents, my best friend, my second best friend, and her sister, Haruki, Akihiko, Itaya and..." Yayoi stops. „Nothing for..."

She tilts her head to him, her eyebrows raised. They swap expressions for a moment, and once Uenoyama figures out who she is referring to, he turns away.

„There's no need for that," he says with half a mouth and begins to walk towards the train station. He hears his sister quickening her pace to catch up to him, but he is done talking about the matter altogether.

Haruki agrees to meet Uenoyama at the University. It's the last day before winter break, so this is a good chance for Uenoyama to drop off the presents he bought for him and Akihiko.

Uenoyama arrives in good time and makes his way to the small office where he used to have poetry lessons with Haruki. He advances wearily, listening to his footsteps' echo reverberating through the empty hallways. Being back inside a school is as nostalgic as it is stomach-turning, but he is putting up a brave front before his emotions.

Once in front of the office, Uenoyama knocks on the door before entering. Haruki is quick to greet him with a smile and a warm cup of coffee.

„Ue, these are way too many gifts. You didn't have to," Haruki says, blushing nervously at the sight of the massive paper bag Uenoyama plants on his desk.

„From both my sister and me," Uenoyama insists and pushes the bag forward. „It's the least we could do for our friends."

„Thank you; it's incredibly thoughtful. Oh, and I also have some stuff for you guys," Haruki says and points to the spot under the clothes hanger near the door. „Make sure to pick them up before you go."

Uenoyama nods, and they exchange a smile. They do a bit of catching up, Haruki animated in his speech, as though feeling at ease and even excited that his former bandmate took the time to visit him.

„The album is done as well. And the record label will start promoting it after the New Year," Uenoyama says proudly, and Haruki notices his change of heart on the matter. „There are talks about a concert too."

„That's great. Congratulations, Ue!" Haruki cheers, his smile radiant. „It sounds like Take-chan is all over you now. He is incredibly hardworking, so you shouldn't worry at all. You are in good hands."

Uenoyama nods humbly. „Yeah, he is taking good care of me."

„And you?" Haruki then asks, and he perks up. „Did you sort things out between..."

Uenoyama repeatedly blinks, Haruki unrelenting in his stare. The realization hits him after a long moment when a twinge wakes in his heart.

„Ah," Uenoyama scoffs and takes a sip of his coffee. „Yeah, well. We talked, and, um, there was nothing more I could do."

Haruki opens his mouth, eager to interject, but seeing the way Uenoyama is wearing his disgruntled pout, he rethinks his approach.

„You know, he is touring now," Haruki says and notices his ears twitching. „Through the country to promote his book. I was a bit surprised to hear it because he wasn't too keen on doing it. I wonder what changed his mind."

Haruki's eyes dart to Uenoyama to study his expression and then continues. „He won't be here for the holidays. So if you want, you can come hang out with Akihiko and me. We can watch the fireworks together."

„Thank you for the invitation, but my parents are expecting me at that time," Uenoyama says with half a mouth, feeling bad for lying.

Haruki nods, deciding not to insist on the matter. He is all too used to Uenoyama's way of hiding his eyes whenever he feels uncomfortable or overwhelmed, and that's precisely what he did the entire time he spoke.

„I just think that, in the end, Haruki-san, some things do change no matter how much we wish they don't," Uenoyama presses, then stands up and adjusts his jacket on his shoulders. „And maybe, Mafuyu and I, that was never meant to be. It was just my stubbornness that kept me holding onto him for as long as I did."

He thanks Haruki for the coffee with a kind bow and then turns, aiming for the door.

„Ue... don't do that to yourself," Haruki says flatly, and Uenoyama freezes with his hand on the door handle. „You might've been young when you met each other, but don't dismiss all that happened between you two by calling it a whim."

„Happy holidays, Haruki-san," Uenoyama forces himself to say, unable to move his eyes away from the door handle.

„You too," Haruki offers in a low voice. „And Ue, we are still here, ok? Don't you dare forget that."

Uenoyama nods and finally exits the office, the pang in his heart reawakening. It can't be helped, Uenoyama thinks as he is making his way outside the school, everyone will ask me about Mafuyu at some point. I made it seem that everything would be fine between us, that we would be able to give everything another go, but... it was never entirely up to me.

The noise of a running engine catches his attention as he approaches the main street. Uenoyama then lifts his gaze and sees a motorcycle pulling into the parking lot beside him.

„Kaji-san," he breathes, recognizing the person who took his helmet off.

„Oh, Uenoyama. What's with the face?"

He flinches. „Happy holidays to you, too, Kaji-san."

„Yeah, spare me the formalities," Akihiko frowns. „Did something happen to you?"

„Oh, just... I-I brought some gifts for you and Haruki-san. And was on my way back home."

„We are going to go grab a bite to eat," Akihiko says tersely and approaches Uenoyama, scrutinizing his former bandmate from head to toe. „By the looks of it, you could use some food. You want to join us?"

„It'll pass for today, Kaji-san, but thank you."

Uenoyama avoids Akihiko's cold, scolding eyes for a long moment. But he can feel his gaze lingering on him.

„You've always been hard on yourself, Ue-sama," Akihiko then says and retreats, giving Uenoyama some space. „But I never thought you'd be one to hold grudges."

Is there nothing he and my sister miss, Uenoyama thinks, biting his lip. Or am I that obvious? „I just don't what the right thing to do is anymore," the words are plucked slowly from his lips, although he understands all too well how desperately that sounded.

„You pull through and forgive," Akihiko offers and waits for Uenoyama to look up, but he never does. „So that both of you can be happy."

Uenoyama swallows a gasp, and after bowing his head, he leaves Akihiko's side. Their exchange was short and abrupt, but his direct way of speaking caused something to stir in Uenoyama. It was as though Akihiko's attempt at rekindling the small spark of hope that lingered in Uenoyama's heart was almost successful.

„So, about that dinner," Itaya says after he met up with Uenoyama at the studio after the New Year to record some promotional material for TV and radio for the album release.

„What about it?" Uenoyama asks absent-mindedly, trying to adjust the guitar bag strap on his shoulder.

„Don't you think it's about time we schedule it?" Itaya follows, somewhat hesitantly. „I mean, there are so many things we need to celebrate. We can't keep postponing!"

Uenoyama lowers his head. While his first instinct is to refuse him flat out, he finds it hard to convey that into words. His friend doesn't deserve more of his excuses. So instead of coming up with something that would bail him out of his promises again, Uenoyama takes in a deep breath.

„I'm sorry, Shougo."

Itaya turns to him, his brows furrowing gently. „What are you apologizing for?"

„I promised you four people, but...but I don't think I can deliver that," Uenoyama admits, trying to hide how shaky his voice is.

Itaya glances at him. Seeing his friend so dejected is troubling and, and his heart suddenly aches for him. „That bad, huh?"

Uenoyama turns his head to the side as his distress turns into pensiveness.

„You didn't say anything, Uecchi," Itaya presses. „You never do."

„There was nothing to say," Uenoyama allows, trying to keep anguish from his voice, but it comes through regardless. „I just let him break me again, you know?"

Itaya shakes his head and hurries to add. „Don't feel bad that you tried. Because sometimes, we just need to leap, regardless of where it might take us," he pauses to study his expression. „Beats standing still if nothing else."

Uenoyama exhales and finally turns to face Itaya. „I was just angry. This whole time... and in a way, I think I still am." He then takes a moment to weigh his thought. „Because no matter how good our intentions were, we came to hurt each other again. Just goes to show we are nothing but a couple of idiots."

Itaya tries to suppress his astonishment, but a soft chuckle escapes his lips. „Sounds to me like you deserve each other."

Uenoyama exhales sharply and goes to hide his mouth under his hand. He is surprised that he allowed so much of his heart to be revealed. And in equal measure, of how well his friend took his sudden but honest confession.

„The dinner invitation still stands, I hope," Itaya says once they reach the train station. „You just tell me when, and I'll make time."

Uenoyama nods. „You are a good friend, Shougo!" he yells out, the empty train station reverberating his words.

„We deserve each other too, Ueechi," he waves and disappears up the escalator, his broad smile staying in Uenoyama's mind for the rest of the evening.

Uenoyama is smoking outside the studio. He arrived more than half an hour ago for his first session of rehearsals in a long while but never went past the threshold.

He repeatedly blinks, trying to wake himself up from the zoned-out state of mind that has been plaguing him once more. His album will be released at the end of the month. His next concert was announced, but the date passed by his ear. He might have to start touring afterward as well.

Leaning back against the cold concrete wall, Uenoyama sighs loudly. I should be nervous or at least excited about all this, he thinks critically. I should be.

„Time passes freely. The summer breeze sweeps the land anew. Leaves tremble reluctantly while I..." he murmurs, the words chanted in such a way, Uenoyama hopes that through them, the pang inside him would fade.

Because then his heart would be at ease. His mind would be freed from the strain, and he would be able to open his eyes and gaze at a new world. A world filled with sunlight, possibilities, excitement, and...

„Uenoyama-kun, do you often talk out loud to yourself?"

Uenoyama's heart misses a beat when he opens his eyes and discerns Mafuyu's slender silhouette in front of him. Excitement is the first thing he feels because it's been too long since he last saw him. But then the memories of past events flood over him like a wave and leave him with a stinging so acute it cools his body.

Uenoyama brings the cigarette back to his lips and takes his time before replying. „It's just something from your book."

„I didn't know you read it."

„I did," Uenoyama nods, stealing a glance now and again at the steady man before him. „And this poem stuck to me. I never got to read the rest, so I have no idea how it ends."

Mafuyu smiles. „Endlessly keep loving you."

„Wh-what did you say?" Uenoyama asks, and his heart quickens.

„The end of the poem. I mean, that's the part you're missing."

Time passes freely,
The summer breeze sweeps the land anew
Leaves tremble reluctantly, while I endlessly
Keep loving you.

Uenoyama swallows, his words now evading him entirely. He senses a strange warmth emanating from his chest and spreading throughout his entire body. The sensation is as odd as it is familiar, but he bites his tongue, hesitant to allow himself to be overwhelmed by it.

„What're you doing here, Mafuyu?"

„I asked Yayoi where you had rehearsals and... um...," Mafuyu pauses as his cheeks become a deeper shade of pink. „I'm glad I finally caught up to you."

Uenoyama exhales a cloud of smoke. „You shouldn't have bothered."

Mafuyu's lips thin. There is a hesitation in his demeanor, but he surpasses it when he meets Uenoyama's eyes. „You know... that one is about you."

A strange expression flashes across Uenoyama's face, and Mafuyu presses. „My book... for the longest time, I thought there was a lot more I wanted to write about Yuki and our relationship, but... that wasn't the case."

Uenoyama then lifts his eyes to him, unsure if he wants to hear him out, but he can't smother his attraction to Mafuyu's way of speaking, even if he is struggling not to show it.

„I suppose the song from back in the day was my tribute to Yuki. As for the book, that's my tribute to you."

Uenoyama clenches his hand, the cigarette almost breaking in half between his fingers. „I wish you talked to me instead of doing that."

Mafuyu's gaze is aimed downward, as though Uenoyama's words added weight to his shoulders. „Even if you might've never read it, I had to do it. Just as much for you as for myself."

„You had to!?" Uenoyama snaps but quickly retreats and forces himself to temper his voice. „After you break up with me, you write a whole book in which you confess your love for me and tell about how sad you are that I'm not there anymore." He exhales and closes his eyes for a moment. „You are truly unbelievable sometimes, you know that?"

„I'm sorry," Mafuyu murmurs, his head still aimed downward. „I'm sorry I came to disappoint you so much and that I wasn't..."

„Don't apologize," Uenoyama then stands up straight from his slouched position. „It's all in the past anyway."

He stays with his back at Mafuyu but steals a glance when he extinguishes his cigarette. I can't believe he is bowing before me, Uenoyama thinks, the sight making his heart ache. He quickly darts his eyes away, and after picking up his guitar bag from the floor, he aims to go inside the studio.

Hearing Uenoyama's footsteps moving away, Mafuyu stands up. „Congratulations on your album!" Mafuyu then yells out to him. „Haruki-san told me that..."

Uenoyama waves at him as he keeps walking, looking to put distance between them. The pain still close to his heart, and tears begin sprouting on the edges of his eyes. But he presses on. Deep down, there's an eagerness to hide his agitation as he's not ready to voice it.

„Do you know that kid?"

Uenoyama whips around and observes one of the front desk people addressing him.

„Ah, yeah," he allows, fighting his stutter.

„He comes here every evening and just stands there. I don't know what his deal is, I didn't ask, and he never said anything either. But I think he's waiting for somebody to show up," there's a slight pause. „But nobody does. You were the first he approached."

Actions speak louder than words, right?

Uenoyama swallows and presses his eyes closed for a moment. He shakes his head, returning to the present, and goes to his rehearsal room. Knowing that once there, regardless if he ends up spending the whole night practicing or not, nobody will bother him.

After that incident with Mafuyu, Uenoyama did his best to stay clear of the studio. He couldn't risk a reunion with him again. There's too much he still needs to process before talking to Mafuyu again, and as things stand, he is nowhere near ready for something of that magnitude.

But just as Uenoyama's getting used to the comforts of distance, the phone calls start. The ones from Itaya are always the same, he is curious but never pushy. He asks about Uenoyama's wellbeing, and whenever he finds the opportunity, Itaya suggests he heads to the studio for rehearsals. While keeping Itaya at bay proved facile, the phone call that pushes him to the edge was from none other than Take.

Nobody has seen you around recently. Don't tell me you got cold feet now when we are so close to the concert?

Uenoyama clicks his tongue, remembering the slightly mocking tone Take took with him. It's not like that, Uenoyama thinks, irritation still lingering at the back of his head. While they know all too well that I can practice from home, they rather have me in that rehearsal room.

They can keep an eye on me that way, Uenoyama thinks as he is making his way to the studio. I don't mind, but at the same time, what if...what if he is there too?

Uenoyama brings his eyes upward to investigate the street in front of him. His heart stutters, and the world stops for a moment.

„Empty," Uenoyama breathes as his nerves settle. Ok, that's a relief, Uenoyama thinks, it's not like I wanted to see him.

Rikka, you can lie all you want to yourself, but don't you dare do the same thing with me.

Uenoyama exhales and rubs the back of his head as though feeling his sister's scolding gaze over him.

Once inside the quiet and spacious studio room, Uenoyama unzips his guitar bag. He knows rehearsals haven't been going so well lately, and wanting to improve on that, Uenoyama brought a different guitar for today's practice. Considering how fast his concert date is approaching, he's tempted to try anything to get out of his rut.

It's not like I don't want to see him, Uenoyama thinks, correcting his previous statement as his fingers are strumming at the cords of his guitar. But even if I do, it's not like anything's going to change.

Ue, don't do that to yourself.

It's not up to me, Uenoyama forces a though, this time around... he messed up, and I...

You pull through and forgive.

„You made it sound so easy, Kaji-san," Uenoyama words his thoughts out loud and then lowers his eyes, his attention drawn to the tune he's playing. He listens carefully and flinches, noticing the beat of a familiar song.

The song I wrote for Mafuyu, Uenoyama thinks and bites his tongue, the pang in his heart steadily pulsating. Throughout the years we were together, we spend so much time in our heads, working in seclusion on projects dedicated to the other. That was our way of showing our love for each other. Anything but sit down and talk through our worries.

Sounds to me like you deserve each other.

Uenoyama huffs, forcing a smile, and gazes upward at the ceiling, allowing the feeling that's churning inside of him pass through him, hoping that once it vanishes, it would leave his heart intact. Or at least whatever's left of it.

Just as he's trying to make sense of his predicament, Uenoyama hears a hurried knock on the door. And before he can say anything, it opens with a mellow creek.

„Uecchi, there's somebody here for you," Itaya peeks his head through the door.

„I don't want to see anybody right now," he rebukes and goes to tune his guitar a bit more, looking to erase the sound of the previous song from his mind. „I'm busy."

Itaya exhales and then opens his mouth to speak. The words are almost out, but he stops himself. He clenches his hand around the door and then retreats.

There's no denying it any longer, Uenoyama thinks critically, my guitar skills are lacking. It's not that I'm rushing to hit the notes, but more like there's no passion, no drive behind my movements. Everything feels mechanical, soulless.

Ah, just like back then, Uenoyama then thinks, remembering that time from his youth when music became monotone in his ears. I wonder how I got out of that rut...

„Uenoyama-kun."

Uenoyama clutches onto the strings, the sound of his name uttered so softly leaving him stunned. He brings his eyes up and spots a shy Mafuyu poking his head through the door that Itaya left half-opened.

„What are you doing here?" Uenoyama asks in one breath, and his eyes widen, unable to take them away from Mafuyu.

„I was outside and...," Mafuyu says and crosses the threshold with shy steps. „Itaya invited me in here."

He must've been waiting there again, Uenoyama thinks and forces himself to move his gaze away from him. I just don't get why Shougo would let him come here when I'm like this. I don't need more distractions.

„Practice not going so well?" Mafuyu presses, stepping inside and closing the door behind him.

„The concert is this weekend, and I haven't been able to play properly for a month," Uenoyama replies impulsively, darting his eyes to his and away again.

„Is that why you took out the Telecaster?"

Uenoyama looks up, surprised. „How did you..."

„It's not like I could forget this guitar," Mafuyu offers, his lips curling softly. „You always had it with you back in high school."

Uenoyama swallows as several expressions shift over his face. „Do you still have the Gibson?" The question flies off his lips before he can stop it.

„It's at my mom's," Mafuyu replies without hesitation.

So he did leave all those things in the past, Uenoyama thinks, slightly astonished and frustrated at the same time. „You don't live there anymore," he presses after concluding on his own.

Mafuyu shakes his head, „No, I live with..." he then stops, and Uenoyama's eyebrows twitch. „Actually, I might be homeless soon. I kind of got myself kicked out of the apartment."

„He kicked you out?!" Uenoyama asks angrily and stands up in retaliation, his guitar almost slipping between his fingers.

„I should have seen it coming, though," Mafuyu scrunches his lips as though finding it difficult to talk to Uenoyama about another man. „Ever since Kaji-san's birthday, I told him that I wanted to put a clear distance between us. He wasn't happy to hear that."

That's why he looked so disheartened that day, Uenoyama thinks, remembering seeing him with the phone in his hand.

„I told him that I didn't want anything to do with him apart from professional," Mafuyu then lifts his gaze to look at Uenoyama, determination flickering in his eyes. „He didn't take that too nicely, and now he is kicking me out of the apartment I am renting from him."

„Why did you reject him, Mafuyu?" Uenoyama asks absentmindedly and falls back down on his chair. While he doesn't know what he's expecting to hear, his heart's in his throat.

„Because I don't like him like that, Uenoyama-kun," Mafuyu says truthfully, a soft edge to his voice. „I never did."

Uenoyama nods and steadies his guitar back in his hands. Still confused, he is unwilling to believe he is back in this situation again. He fears to lower his guard before Mafuyu but thinks that already happened the second he stepped through the door.

„Can I listen to you play?" Mafuyu asks after a long moment.

„If you want," Uenoyama offers, not taking his eyes off of the strings of the guitar, even if there's no need to observe them so intensely.

Mafuyu jolts cheerfully and goes to sit down right in front of him. He glances up at him, and after taking a deep breath to steady himself, Uenoyama begins to pluck at his guitar.

Uenoyama's lost in the moment, his hands strumming the cords of their own accord. He is so enthralled on scouring the depths of his mind for answers whose questions he hasn't worded yet, that he doesn't notice Mafuyu's attentive gaze.

„Try putting your heart into it," Mafuyu then says loftily, and Uenoyama perks up. „I think that will do the trick."

Uenoyama stops, and the guitar vibrates dissonantly. „You speak as if you don't know," he says without preamble, his eyes aimed downward.

„Know what?" Mafuyu tilts his head, trying to catch his gaze.

„It's not in my power to do anything with it since it belongs to you."

„Uenoyama-kun," Mafuyu breathes, and his eyes widen.

Uenoyama grits his teeth. He wants to reach out to Mafuyu so terribly much. He is trembling, wishing to open his mouth and speak, tell him everything he wasn't able to these past three years. And most of all, he wants to embrace him and keep him close. But he can't do any of that. Because he is still hurt. And he's stubbornly refusing to show it.

„Do you want it back?"

Uenoyama jolts and lifts his eyes, a hue of desperation etched in them. „What?"

„Your heart," Mafuyu says as he goes to sit on his knees in front of Uenoyama. „If you do then, you can have it. Anything, just, please..." Mafuyu stops for a long moment and then adds. „Don't keep hating me, Uenoyama-kun."

„That was never the case," Uenoyama utters softly and lifts his gaze to meet his. „Because you see, no matter how much time we spend apart, no matter how much we end up hurting each other, you are the only one for me."

Mafuyu freezes with his mouth open. He swallows, while tears are quick to engulf his eyes.

„I don't believe in soulmates," Uenoyama follows, the words now ceaselessly flitting off his lips, „but I can't imagine my life without you in it. So that must mean that our paths are destined to meet in one way or another."

„But?" Mafuyu presses, noticing the hesitation in his tone.

„I don't know when," Uenoyama utters, his mouth dry. „Or how, or where... I just don't..."

Mafuyu stands up abruptly. „Now."

„What?" Uenoyama asks, pressing his fingers on his temple, the pressure building up to an unbearable point.

„Then let it be now, Uenoyama-kun."

Uenoyama frowns and removes his hand, his eyes resting on a shivering Mafuyu.

„Can it be now?" Mafuyu repeats, his lips trembling.

Sometimes we just have to leap, regardless of where it might take us.

„Is that what you want?" Uenoyama says in a low voice, fighting his stutter but to little avail.

„Please," Mafuyu breathes and lowers his head before Uenoyama once more.

Uenoyama clenches his hands on his guitar, and then, lifting it over his shoulder, he places it beside his chair. Mafuyu jolts, Uenoyama's presence too cold and distant for him to predict his actions.

Reaching out with his arms, Uenoyama then grabs onto Mafuyu and pulls him to his chest. His heart is beating so fast and loud; he thinks it might burst through his chest, but he can't be worried about that. His moment with Mafuyu is the only thing he can focus on. It's all he ever wanted.

Uenoyama's gesture leaves Mafuyu breathless, and then as though waking up from a dream, Mafuyu finds his chance and returns the embrace. He places his arms around Uenoyama, clenching onto his back with such force, Uenoyama fears his shirt might tear.

„Forgive me, Uenoyama-kun," Mafuyu murmurs between sobs. „I never meant to hurt you. I was so sure I was helping you that I never thought about the fact that..."

„I love you," Uenoyama breathes and nestles his head at the base of Mafuyu's neck.

Mafuyu exhales, sniffling as though trying to keep his tears under control, but they keep pouring from the corners of his eyes. Uenoyama notices how much Mafuyu is trembling and grabs even tighter onto him.

„I love you so much that being apart from you hurts."

Uenoyama gently moves him away and scrutinizes his face. Mafuyu's cheeks are red and wet, and yet he looks irresistible. Uenoyama can feel his ears about to catch on fire while his heart is attempting to escape his chest again. He then lowers his eyes to Mafuyu's lips and sees him parting them.

„I love you too, Uenoyama-kun."

Mesmerized by the rhythm of his heartbeat, Uenoyama fixates on Mafuyu's lips and begins to approach, the distance between them rapidly diminishing.

„Uecchi, listen, I think I'm going to head out..." Itaya announces and forces the door open all the way.

Uenoyama freezes, and Mafuyu almost jumps around in his arms. And yet they are still holding onto each other, in a way, neither of them willing to let go even in the face of being discovered.

Taken aback by how close his friends are to each other, Itaya turns a whole new shade of red. „Oh, I'm so sorry, I had no idea... I mean, I had an idea, but I had no idea..."

„No, um, it's fine, I..." Uenoyama tries to speak but is too lost to make sense of his thoughts.

„I'll let you finish up in here, Uenoyama-kun," Mafuyu says, turning back to Uenoyama to offer him a soft smile.

Itaya throws Uenoyama another glance before disappearing behind the door alongside Mafuyu. Itaya thumps Uenoyama up and closes the door behind him.

Uenoyama huffs out a laugh and collapses on the chair to his side. It takes him a long moment to make sense of his surroundings, his head still in a haze.

„No chance that was a dream," he then says, checking the intensity with which his hands are trembling. He was here for sure, Uenoyama thinks and feels his skin prickle in delight. His scent is still lingering in the air around me. And on me.

Seeing that there's close to no way he can keep practicing, Uenoyama begins gathering his things. Once his guitar bag is fastened, he goes to leave the studio, the day's events leaving him utterly dazed and exhausted.

Uenoyama steps outside the studio, the cold winter air clashing violently against his weary body. At that point in the evening, he is looking forward to nothing more but a shower and a long sleep. He looks up, wishing to set a direction for himself when he is met with an unusual sight.

„You are still here," he says in one breath, unable to oppose his desire to smile.

Mafuyu nods. „Yes, I waited for you."

„Why?" Uenoyama asks instinctively and crosses the distance between them.

„Because I wanted to see you again," Mafuyu says but quickly winces when he notices Uenoyama's reaction. „What's so funny, Uenoyama-kun?"

„For somebody who found it so easy to turn his back on me, now you can't seem to give me any space."

Mafuyu pouts and turns to his side. Uenoyama leans towards him and spots that his ears are red. He must be embarrassed, Uenoyama thinks, and reaching his hand out to him.

„I didn't say that's what I want," Uenoyama murmurs, his hand gripping onto Mafuyu's arm.

Mafuyu gazes down at the place he's holding. „Walk me home?"

„No," Uenoyama shakes his head, a shy smile creeping the edges of his lips. „I have a better idea."

Mafuyu giggles, noticing Uenoyama's unguarded expression. With that warmth glowing in his eyes, Mafuyu slides his hand down his arm until it meets Uenoyama's hand. He grabs onto it and intertwines his fingers with his.

Uenoyama flinches briefly and brings his gaze to Mafuyu's. „We're outside."

„Until the station," Mafuyu pleads, and his cheeks turn just as red as Uenoyama's.

But even at the train station, Mafuyu never let go of his hand, and neither did Uenoyama. It's late in the evening, and there are barely any commuters around. And the few that are waiting for the trains do not mind them half as much as either of them expected.

Uenoyama's struggling to stay composed, but after seeing how calm Mafuyu is beside him, it doesn't take long before he allows himself to get lost in his comforting presence.