Disclaimer: I do not own Criminal Minds or any of these fabulous characters that I am abusing for my own enjoyment. I do however own this story, I wrote it and I do NOTgive permission for anyone to post it anywhere else. If you want to share it post a link.
It was a long four days later that Spencer was finally over the initial detoxification part of getting clean but Ethan knew that in some ways the hardest part was still to come. Spencer had to deal with the issues that had led him to choose to continue using Dilaudid after his abduction and be able to return to his regular life without having Ethan there 24/7 to protect him. Ethan wasn't at all sure he would be able to do that while still being constantly rejected by his soul mate but Spencer was determined to return to the BAU.
"I worked in that situation for years before I was abducted and forcibly addicted to Dilaudid. I can handle it," Spencer insisted to his worried best friend.
"Spencer, I know you've heard the term once an addict always an addict. No matter how well you d in beating this addiction, you'll never not know what it felt like both the highs and the lows. It won't ever be as easy to resist as it was before," Ethan replied.
"But plenty of people give up and never go back to taking drugs. It is possible and I know I'm strong enough to do it," Spencer said confidently. "He knew that the memory of the horror of withdrawing would also be clear and sharp for him forever and he never wanted to go through that again.
Ethan knew he couldn't object any more without damaging that confidence. Confidence and determination Spencer was going to need before too much longer.
-o0o-
The following weekend, JJ accepted an invitation to dinner and a weekend being shown the sights of New Orleans by NOPD Detective Will LaMontagne, she was drawn there as much by the chance of an opportunity to visit Spencer and see if he was getting better as the attraction between her and the detective. There was still plenty of attraction but the man flirted with just about everyone he spoke to intentionally or not and she really wasn't sure if he was offering a genuine relationship or just a fun weekend away and probably wouldn't have taken him up on it if she didn't want to track down Spencer in New Orleans as well and see for herself that he was alright. She was worried about Spencer but she also had to admit there was a fair bit of guilt powering that worry. After thinking back on her friendship with Spencer she had to admit that his friend had been right, none of them had taken the time to find out what caused the change in Spencer's personality and behaviour in his first year or why he'd withdrawn from them all and none of them had stepped up when he was struggling after Hankel abducted him.
"What's wrong?" Will asked on the Saturday as JJ frowned at her phone.
"Spence's phone's turned off and he's not returning my calls. He took leave to stay here after the case the other week, his friend had offered him a pace to stay and access to a program to treat his PTSD. But Garcia couldn't find records of him being admitted or enrolled in any program, I wanted to check in with him and make sure he was travelling okay and didn't need anything but I haven't managed to get through and I don't know where the friend lives," JJ explained.
"You don't think that a program like that might have private records, or that your friend being an FBI Agent might have enrolled under a fake name to prevent people like your friend Garcia from invading his privacy as though he's one of the monster's your team arrests?" Will asked.
"She didn't mean any harm she just wanted to know that he was okay. She wouldn't have said anything that would harm his career," JJ replied.
"She told you, and you told me what you know. I'm not surprised he tried to hide the information," Will pointed out.
"We're just worried about him!" JJ exclaimed.
"Well then, I'm going to help you because I think it might do less harm than whatever hairbrained idea you and Garcia come up with if I don't. Do you know the friend's name, or where he works?" Will asked sighing.
"Only that his first name is Ethan and he plays piano in a bar somewhere in the city. I don't know that he'd be prepared to help me get in touch with Spence even if I did find him, he was pretty angry with the team for not seeing how much Spence was struggling and getting him help before this," JJ admitted, chastised.
"Ethan who plays piano in a bar. I can ask around and see if anyone knows him but nearly every bar in New Orleans has a piano," Will said not wanting to get JJ's hopes up. He was slightly discouraged and wondered which of them JJ had really travelled all this way to see.
"Thanks Will," JJ said gratefully.
Will made a couple of calls and surprisingly found one of his contacts knew an Ethan who played in a piano bar in the quarter.
"Your friend's friend must be pretty good, this place has a great reputation for jazz music," he said leading JJ into the bar.
"That's not him," JJ said looking at the blonde playing the piano.
"Maybe he's taken time off to spend with your friend or maybe his shift is later in the evening," Will said approaching the bar. A short conversation with the bar manager emphasising that he was looking for a potential witness and had no reason to think the pianist was involved in anything shady, and a flash of his badge had the name and address of their regular piano player Ethan Davies.
"I'll visit him in the morning, in the meantime how about you show me your favourite place to dance," JJ said smiling
Will smiled and escorted her back to her hotel to change. They went to his favourite date restaurant and then to a jazz club where they danced until late. The intimate nature of the club and the sexy undertone of the music towards the end of the night turned the dancing into foreplay and when Will walked JJ back to her hotel she invited him up for the night.
JJ groaned as Will woke her up next morning. "If you want to go visit your friend this morning you need to get out of bed. You've gone to all this effort cyber stalking him and having me track him down, he deserves to know you care about how he's doing," he said from beside her.
"I didn't think I had that much to drink," JJ moaned, digging the painkillers out of her go bag.
"Do you regret last night?" Will asked, uncharacteristically insecure.
"I regret the pounding in my head this morning. I'm going to need my brain functioning on all cylinders to even begin to keep up with Spence," JJ replied. It wasn't what Will had meant but he let the subject drop.
JJ decided that it would be better if she went to visit Spencer on her own and Will made plans with her to meet for a late lunch afterwards.
"What do you want? How did you find me?" Ethan growled, as he answered the door.
"I'm here to see Spencer. Is he here?" JJ said.
"How did you find me?" Ethan repeated.
"I asked a friend and he asked his contacts to find where you worked," JJ replied.
"The boss wouldn't have given you my address without you flashing a badge. Do I still have a job to go back to?" Ethan demanded.
"Of course you do, we told them we were looking for a witness. You're a friend of Reid's he would be upset if I did anything to harm you," JJ said. "Is Spencer here?"
"Wait there and I'll ask him if he wants to see you," Ethan said, shutting the door in JJ's face.
JJ stood in the hallway staring at the closed door in shock. she supposed that she shouldn't be so surprised after Ethan's aggression when he met them at the plane instead of Spencer but she hadn't even thought to question whether Spence would want to see her.
"Was that JJ's voice?" Spencer asked.
"The blonde woman from your team," Ethan confirmed. "Do you want me to let her in? I could tell her to come back in an hour to give you time to clean up."
Spencer checked his appearance. "I think this is as good as it gets," he said pulling his sleeves down to cover the marks on his arms.
"I washed your clothes if you want them," Ethan offered.
"No it's fine," Spencer replied. "It's time they started seeing me as a real person." He sat back on the couch dressed in Ethan's old jeans, torn at the knees and an old Caltech hoodie too short in the sleeves and pulled up his legs wrapping his arms loosely around his calves and nodded at Ethan that he was ready.
Ethan gave him a reassuring smile. "I'll be in the other room to give you some privacy but remember I'm right here for you if you need me," he said before opening the door.
JJ glared at Ethan for a moment then rushed in to see her friend.
"Spence, are you okay?" She asked anxiously once she'd got a good look at him. Though she had no way of knowing it, Spencer was a lot better than he had been. The nausea and diarrhoea had finished and the tremors were improving and hidden by keeping his arms clasped together but he knew that he still looked exhausted and he'd clearly lost even more weight since she'd last seen him on top of the weight loss since being kidnapped. Added together he looked worryingly thin and fragile.
"I'm fine JJ. I'm getting better," Spencer said smiling faintly.
"Are you getting the help you need here?" JJ asked.
"I am. Ethan's been great. I'm sorry if I worried you but I really needed to stay here. I don't think I could have done this on my own in DC," Spencer said.
"Ethan was really angry at us when he came to tell us you weren't catching the plane home," JJ said.
Spencer nodded. "I know he was. He told me what he said. I wasn't particularly happy about it but he had a right to be upset, he was worried about me. I have to admit that I am a little disappointed myself that none of you stepped up to help me before this."
"Spence you never wanted our help. You insisted you were fine and snapped our heads off for asking," JJ said carefully.
"Did you come all the way down here just to see me?" Spencer asked confused by her visit and wanting to deflect the argument.
"Detective LaMontagne invited me down for the weekend. While I was here I wanted to check on you. You haven't been answering your phone and we were worried," JJ said hoping she wouldn't make him feel worse. She knew Gideon thought that he used to have a crush on her but she wasn't convinced that he had. Still Gideon was almost never wrong. So she hoped it wouldn't hurt him to hear she was dating.
"You came all this way to see him?" Spencer said smiling to see his friend so happy.
"Yes, I doubt I would've come if I hadn't wanted to see you too but I'm glad I did. He's a terrible flirt but there's a spark between us. I think that he could be someone special," JJ said smiling.
"How old is he?" Spencer asked.
"He's 29, I know he's older but we seem to want the same things from life at the moment," JJ said.
"When will he be thirty?" Spencer asked.
"You think he might be my soul mate?" JJ asked.
"There's no way to tell until his birthday. I just want you to be careful. I don't want you to get hurt if someone else's name appears on his chest," Spencer said.
"So you don't think he is my soulmate. What makes you think he isn't?" JJ asked.
"I don't go around speculating who might be someone's soulmate JJ and I don't believe that soulmates are the one true love for a person, and I barely know Detective William LaMontagne Jr. I believe that a couple can have a very successful and rewarding life together without each other's names emblazoned across their chests and some soulmate pairs just cannot be together like that. But if you start a relationship now, it will still be very new and possibly quite fragile when he turns thirty, I wouldn't want to see you hurt if he receives someone else's name. One thing to consider though is that he seems very attached to his home town, so if he is your soulmate then you may need to choose between leaving the BAU to be with him and staying at the BAU and either having a long distance relationship or deciding not to be together," Spencer said, slightly sadly, thinking of his own soulmate. He hoped that things turned out better for JJ whether Detective LaMontagne was her soulmate or not.
"If he's my soulmate then of course I'm going to make compromises to be with him," JJ said.
Unfortunately, JJ mistook his reaction for sadness that she was seriously attracted to someone else, though she had to admit that his warning made sense. Will would be thirty in approximately seven months, long enough for her to fall in love and be heartbroken if he did have another name appear on his chest when he turned thirty. She resolved not to make any long term plans with him until after that.
"Can I tell the others that you are alright, they've been worried. It would help if you answered your phone," Jj said.
"You do realise that you can't tell the team you've seen me without telling them you came to New Orleans to spend the weekend with LaMontagne unless you want them to think the two of us are dating instead?" Spencer said amused.
"What!" JJ exclaimed.
"JJ they're either going to jump to the conclusion you spent the weekend with LaMontagne or they're going to think that the two of us are more than friends for you to come all this way to visit me," Spencer said patiently.
"I think that Morgan and Emily got the impression from your friend Ethan's protective bulldog impression that the two of you are more than friends," JJ retorted.
Spencer merely looked amused. "Ethan and I met on my first day in college. He's my self-appointed big brother. There was too much rivalry between us at college for anything else to develop," he replied.
"Are you telling me that you're gay?" JJ asked.
"Are you telling me you never experimented in college?" Spencer retorted, without answering.
JJ wasn't a profiler and didn't notice that he'd avoided the question. "Spence, you were thirteen in college!" she exclaimed shocked and worried for her friend.
"I was also there for more than eight years, I didn't stay thirteen years old the whole time you know," Spencer said chuckling.
JJ laughed as well, "I don't think that any of us really realised that," she said. "We were a bit stupid, weren't we?"
"Considering that half the time I think Morgan still believes I'm a thirteen year old virgin who's never been kissed, that isn't so surprising," Spencer replied dryly.
"Would you be okay with it if I don't tell the others that I saw you? I'm not really willing to share whatever this is with LaMontagne yet, and I don't want to give them the wrong impression about us again," JJ asked.
"That's fine, I won't tell anyone about your relationship but they are going to know anyway. You know that? Nobody actually follows the rule about not profiling team mates," Spencer replied.
"I don't think that it's big enough to be called a relationship," JJ said hurriedly.
"JJ, you flew half way across the country to see him on the first weekend you've had off in months. It's something," Spencer retorted.
"What about you, is there anyone?" JJ asked.
"No, chances are if I had someone, I wouldn't have ended up in this mess. Someone would have noticed before this," Spencer said.
"We noticed, but you didn't want to let us help you and we thought Gideon was helping until your friend Ethan tried to rip Gideon and Hotch a new one for letting you get into this state," JJ said.
"I think I would've liked to hear that conversation," Spencer said smirking.
"You think you would have let him say it if you were there?" JJ asked surprised. She'd thought that Ethan was speaking behind his friend's back to talk to the team like that.
"He was so pissed off with you all that I don't think that I could've stopped him," Spencer replied. "He left here with steam almost pouring out his ears and he hadn't calmed down much when he got home."
"And you still let him go? You could have just called Hotch or Gideon," JJ pointed out. "He said that, he had your permission to tell us all off for the way we ignored you. I didn't want to believe him."
"I wasn't well enough to stop him, and I didn't want to talk to Gideon after what he said the night before," Spencer admitted.
"He said you were depressed even before Hankel. Too depressed to be safe out in the field. He wants you to quit the BAU," JJ said softly.
Spencer just hummed non-committedly which JJ took as agreement that he knew Ethan had said that but that he wasn't willing to talk about it.
"Are you coming back?" JJ asked.
"Yes eventually. I need to sort myself out first and I don't think I could pass the fitness requirements at the moment, and Ethan's right about one thing, I need to get my head sorted out or I will be a liability in the field," Spencer replied.
"You don't look like you could fight off a determined pre-schooler, let alone an unsub," JJ agreed teasingly. "Are you unwell?"
He was grateful that she let the subject of his depression drop without pressing him further. "I will be fine," Spencer replied.
"Do you have an eating disorder?" JJ asked.
"No, it's not that. I want to eat I just have trouble keeping food down lately, but I truly am getting better," Spencer tried to reassure her.
"How long are you staying here?" JJ asked.
"I don't know, until I feel l can be on my own again without backsliding," Spencer replied. "Are you offering to visit again on your next days off? You were planning to come back to New Orleans to see Detective LaMontagne again so soon? That's not taking things slowly, JJ?"
JJ ignored him. "Will you answer if I call you?" she asked.
"Yes," Spencer said, without apologising for not answering her calls before this. He hadn't been well enough to talk to them and then he hadn't wanted to listen to their lectures for ignoring them. He figured he'd deal with it if he decided to return to the BAU.
"Will you answer Garcia as well? She's been worried about you, not that the others aren't but you know how she is," JJ asked.
"I'd better answer before she decides Ethan's keeping me captive and ruins his credit rating or something," Spencer said tiredly. The joke if it was one, fell flat and JJ wondered whether Reid wanted to talk to any of them. She was surprised to find she was upset by the idea and almost afraid to ask him. "But you'd prefer her not to call?" she said hesitantly.
"Honestly, yes I would, I don't think that I'm feeling up to dealing with Garcia's over the top emotionalism," Spencer admitted. He knew the technical analyst meant well and cared about all of the team but expecting him to talk to her and reassure her, even lie to her to make her feel better while he was on medical leave receiving treatment for PTSD (and unofficially for his Dilaudid addiction) seemed to be more selfish than caring to him and he knew that it would take a lot of effort for him to talk to the computer analyst, and more energy than he had most of the time lately.
"I'd better go," she said getting to her feet. She moved forwards like she'd like to hug him before she remembered that he didn't like to be touched.
"Thanks for coming," Spencer uncurled to get up and show her out. She looked at him shocked again as he stood straight and she realised how very thin he'd become.
"Are you sure you're all right?" she asked.
"I will be," Spencer promised. "Ethan will feed me back up."
It felt wrong to just walk past him but she reminded herself again that he didn't like to be touched and if he allowed her to hug him it, like answering Penelope's calls would be comforting to her not to him.
-o0o-
It was another week before Spencer felt up to returning to DC and starting to deal with his life again. Ethan flew with Spencer to DC and helped him clean out his apartment, removing the stash of Dilaudid and tidying up the place the way Spencer had liked to keep it before he'd been abducted. He also helped Spencer try to find a counsellor that he couldn't talk rings around and went with him to the first appointment to warn them of the possibility. He dragged Spencer along to several AA and NA meetings each day explaining that the day would come when the cravings were strong and he would need the support of those who understood what he was going through and that now while he was doing well was the best time to try out multiple groups and find some that he'd feel comfortable enough share in. Spencer could see the sense in that and promised to continue attending the three or four where he felt comfortable as his schedule allowed.
"There's a meeting designed for law enforcement but you might feel more comfortable at the moment with some of the more academic groups unless it's a work related stress that's causing the cravings," Ethan said.
"Even if it is a lot of our cases are to classified or too freaky to talk about," Spencer replied.
"True but you could talk about the emotional reaction without mentioning the specifics of the case, the guilt of not being able to save a victim, the danger of being in the line of fire, the stress of having shot someone even if they were the bad guy. It would be easy to say enough to get the support you need without saying something you shouldn't. You're smart enough to do that in your sleep," Ethan reminded him.
Spencer nodded, "I'm not going to fit in at a law enforcement meeting, I'll stand out like a sore thumb, I won't be welcome" he said.
"I know you have a tough time sometimes with the local law enforcement on cases but you are an agent with valuable skills in your field of expertise, and this is DC where there are lots of task forces and undercover specialists, you won't be the only one there that doesn't fit the general cop stereotype. Give it a go so you know that you can get support there when you need it," Ethan encouraged him.
Normally people try to keep their schedule clear so they can attend a meeting every day or even multiple times a day if they need to but I think you will do better if you also have something to keep your mind busy, something separate from your work. So, let's go find you some things you'll enjoy," Ethan said. What he didn't say was that Spencer should have done this when he first finished the academy and settled into the BAU.
He also encouraged Spencer to visit several of the universities around the area to possibly sign up for more face to face classes or if there was a research project group that would welcome his assistance and put up with his erratic schedule, in the hope of him making some friends outside the team. Spencer had been heavily involved in various research groups mostly via email and online working groups before his abduction but looking through his email it was clear that Spencer had just dropped contact with everyone outside the BAU when he started using. He knew most of them would probably be willing to have him back if he explained about the abduction but Ethan thought that he'd be better off joining projects locally so he could meet his co-workers in person and hopefully make some friends to spend his downtime with.
He signed up for an eclectic mix of classes and was invited to consult on an engineering project that had hit a dead end none of those involved could solve. Spencer quickly read through what they'd already tried and offered several possible solutions and changes they hadn't considered. He was then invited to join the group, though they looked at him like he was crazy when he explained why he wouldn't always be available even via Skype.
-o0o-
"Do your teammates know that Hotch is your soul mate?" Ethan asked.
"No, they think that they know everything about me but I'm sure they don't know that. They don't look at us awkwardly if the topic of soul mates comes up like they do with schizophrenia since they found out about Mom, and they don't hesitate to bring up the subject when I'm around even though they do know I don't believe in soulmate relationships being better or easier than relationships between people without names in their chests. Why?" Spencer replied
"You said that they always notice everything because they're profilers. That's a pretty big secret for you both to keep," Ethan said.
"I haven't told them I was bisexual. I think they think I'm asexual or a virgin to be honest. And Hotch is married, I'm sure they believe Haley is his soul mate if he has one," Spencer replied.
"I wonder if you'd be better off if one of them did know. Is there someone you trust to provide support without telling the others?" Ethan asked.
"No, Gideon is the only one who I could trust not to tell the others and he wouldn't be much support," Spencer said.
"No, I can't imagine he would. You seemed closer to him in your emails than your current attitude suggests though," Ethan replied.
"He's my mentor, l can learn a lot from him professionally, but I've come to realize lately that he has his own issues and the job is pretty much all he still cares about. That's why he didn't even say anything until I didn't answer my phone and missed a plane to interview a witness. It interfered with my job in an obvious way so he had to do something, even then he didn't offer any real help, I don't know that he's capable of a relationship beyond work mentor/ protégé," Spencer explained.
"Then you need to find a support network outside of work who you can trust to understand the difficulties of working with your soul mate and seeing them everyday while being rejected by them," Ethan said. "Are there support groups for rejected soul mates?"
"I don't know. I don't think that many people want to admit that they've been rejected by a soul mate, the one person they were brought up to believe would love them unconditionally," Spencer replied.
"All the more reason for there to be an anonymous support group, so people can get the support and understanding they need without having to tell their friends and family, even if it has to be an online chat group," Ethan said searching on line. They weren't common but there was one in the DC area and it met not too far from Georgetown so if his colleagues saw him in the area he could evade suspicion by talking about his classes and research projects.
After a lot of encouragement, Spencer agreed to go and give it a try, and in spite of his initial awkwardness he found the support there more helpful than the NA meetings he'd tried. Unsurprisingly he was the youngest person there and the group was incensed on his behalf that his soulmate had told him they were soulmates when he already knew he would reject him. To have the hope of being happy snatched away from him seven years before it would need to be was just cruelty in their opinion.
Feeling a lot better about his friend, and needing to return to work before his boss permanently gave away all his shifts, Ethan returned to New Orleans promising he was only a phone call away no matter what time of night it was if Spencer needed him.
A/N: Thank you to all those who reviewed followed or favourited this story for your support.
Stay safe everyone.