I wished someone would speak. Cough, hiccup, fart, something. Anything but this silence. To think I used to be okay with silences, and didn't find them awkward. Amazing how fast things changed.

Stephen was not surprised. He had suspected as much, but hearing me say it was hard on him. That's when I finally, truly realized that despite the front he put on of barely tolerating me and seeing me as a threat, he actually cared about me.

And I needed to stop crying in front of these White Knights before they forgot that they shouldn't try to hug me. Bucky had already tried to reach for me once while I was telling him and Stephen what I had confessed to Loki a couple nights ago. I had shrunk away from him. Letting everyone know my real name was one thing. Working on touch with Loki was one thing. I wasn't ready for anyone else to touch me, and the panic I had experienced when I felt Bucky's intent drove that home. Bucky was here because after everything I felt he had the right to hear it all as well.

"My God," Bucky breathed out.

"And you don't remember anything after you felt all of that?" Stephen asked.

"My memories from that time are full of holes and gaps, but after that...no, I don't remember anything until that angel woke me up." I still couldn't bring myself to say his name. "It was...it was like everything ceased to exist for a time."

Stephen exhaled hard. "You must have been catatonic. Or worse."

"Maybe. But if I try to focus on that time too much..." I took a deep breath.

"How is it that she's with us and not catatonic, or worse, now?" Bucky asked quietly.

"Because she's no longer human. That's the only reason. I'm sure that she suffered massive neurological damage as a result of not only that empathic onslaught but what her captors did to her as well. After she was changed, her new healing abilities took care of it. They may still be doing so for all we know."

"Why didn't I die during the time between that wave and when I was turned?" I wondered.

"No telling. Maybe your captors kept you alive, for what purpose we can only speculate. Maybe your will to live was too strong. Whatever the case may be, you're here now."

"Here and insane."

"You're not insane," Stephen replied. "Your mind was butchered; your instincts and sense of reality were warped to the point where you questioned everything. It really isn't surprising that you have your moments, but you are not insane. You were traumatized and you have very understandable reactions to stimuli that remind you of that trauma. Taking that into account in addition to the neurological damage, which as a neurosurgeon I can only begin to imagine...I would say you are actually doing rather well all things considered. And you are improving every day. You may never be fully recovered, but you are getting better."

He started to reach for my hands, which I had been wringing. I pulled them out of his reach while my heart raced. Nope, not ready.

"Few months ago, you would have tried to kill him for that. I'd say that's an improvement," Bucky pointed out.

We talked for another hour. As Bucky and I got ready to leave the Sanctum, I remarked "I don't want any pity."

"Good, because you're not getting any. Go home and rest, I can tell your arm is still hurting. We'll talk about resuming your lessons later," Stephen said as he escorted us out. Bucky held the passenger side door of the Rabbit open and I slid in.

He took his seat behind the wheel but didn't start the car yet. "Listen...thank you for including me in that."

"You said you wanted to be there when I was ready to talk. I was ready to talk." I looked James dead in the eye. "If you feel the need to tell Steve and Sam, I understand, but I'd rather you didn't. Like I told Stephen, I don't want pity."

"I wouldn't worry about that. You're such a royal pain in the ass, I'm sure pity would be the last thing anyone would want to give you."

"Gee, thanks." I didn't know if I should take that as a compliment.

"Just telling it like it is." Bucky started the car. "Let's get you home."

"But I need to upgrade the servers..." I began to protest.

James held a finger up in my face. "Doctor's orders."

"Since when do you take orders from Stephen?" I scowled. He pulled out to the street and I sat back and sighed.

"I know you have a lot to process. God knows I've done my fair share of that." Bucky drove in silence for a few minutes and then stopped at a light.

"Has it gotten easier?" I thought I said it so quietly that Bucky didn't hear me, but he did.

"It'll never go away completely. The shit both of us went through will always be a part of us. We'll always have our good days and bad. But it's getting easier for me to live with it. It'll get easier for you too." Bucky drove when the light changed. "None of what you told us explains why you have such an aversion to touch."

I took a deep breath. "I don't know why, James. I can't really remember..."

"Even if you do remember the reason, I'm sure I don't want to know." And that was the truth. He was getting angry on my behalf just considering the possibilities. It was almost touching.

Come to think of it, Bucky was the first person to wonder about the reason why being touched was such a trigger for me, or at least wonder out loud. Even Loki hadn't asked as far as I knew. I suspected he wanted to know the reason even less than Bucky did.

I was sure that I didn't want to know.

Then I noticed what direction we were heading in. "Hey, I thought you were taking me home!"

"Sweetie, you've been staying at his penthouse for two weeks. You're practically moved in with him. Besides, there's nothing at your apartment. You don't even have a TV."

"At least let me get some clothes from my place." I was not...ok, I was sulking. Just a little bit.

"Loki said he would take care of that. Now behave, and maybe we'll stop for ice cream on the way."

I narrowed my eyes at the slight twitch in his cheek, and at the amusement coming from him. "Ice cream. Golly, Mister, that's so swell of you. Do I get a pony for Christmas too?"

"Sorry, fresh out of ponies. Besides, I thought it was Loki's job to give you a ride."

"BUCKY!" I smacked his shoulder. I went easy since it was his right shoulder and the non-metal one, but I didn't know which shocked me more: The fact that I touched his arm, or the fact that he said what he did to earn it.

He was laughing. "I think you'll be alright, Tracy."

It looked like my fears about anyone showing me pity were unfounded after all.

My clothes weren't the only things Loki brought from my apartment. "I thought I was an eclectic reader," his voice greeted me as the door opened before I could reach it. As if I couldn't open it myself...I had one good arm, for fuck's sake.

"I like to read," I shrugged as I flopped onto the sofa.

"Tolstoy, King, Tolkien...Shakespeare, of course," Loki was going through them all.

"Shakespeare is required reading for an English major, and I would think you would like him as well. His works are full of innuendo and raunchy jokes," I pointed out.

"I never said I did not like him," Loki responded a bit too defensively. Then he put the Shakespeare books into a separate stack he was starting. I noticed a nice mix of authors in that stack, including Austin, Hawthorne, and the book by John Norman that I had attempted to read but gave up on after the first six pages. I was happy that Loki's back was to me, because I could not keep a straight face at the idea of the God of Mischief reading one of the Gor books. He would either be amused or horrified. Or the book would give him ideas, which was the last thing either of us needed.

"Who is Livia Grant?"

Fuck, speaking of books that might give him ideas we didn't need..."Self-published author. Just some light fluff reading. You don't need to concern yourself with it."

I shouldn't have said that because now he was very interested. He had the book open to the title page. "Black Collar Press?"

"It's just a vanity press. Don't worry about it." Stop squirming.

He glanced at me, studying my face, which was burning, and flipped to a random page. Panicking, I got up and rushed over to him, attempting to grab the novel. He was too fast for me, and he was taller. And I could only use one arm to reach around him. "Oh, come on, have pity on me, I'm handicapped!"

"I thought you said you didn't want pity," Loki pointed out as he read the page he'd opened the book to while keeping it out of my reach.

I didn't, but I wanted him to read that book even less. Then I felt his fist in my hair and his breath on my ear. "I can see why this work intrigues you," he told me, the silk and fur of that deep purr sending shivers down my spine. "Since you are so obviously eager to share the experience of reading this book, perhaps I should read it to you."

Read that book to me, with its subject matter, in that voice? Was he trying to kill me?

He backed up enough for me to see the smoldering heat in his eyes. I swallowed hard. "Come along, Pet," he commanded me and led me back to the sofa, where I spent the rest of the day using his lap as a pillow as he stroked my hair and stoked a slow burn that built into a wildfire as he read BDSM erotica to me, his voice wrapping around me. Then he turned it into an inferno when his phantom toys began their work, an invisible tongue lapping at my folds until that simmering blaze roared into an explosion as he watched me writhe and scream.

He didn't need whips and chains to be a Master.

The healing progressed slowly over the next month, and the gaping hole in my arm went from a gaping hole to a half-healed indentation in my bicep. I was so used to the pain that I didn't even notice when it finally went away, and I could move my arm without muttering words that Tony didn't want his kid to learn. I got the keys to the Rabbit back from Steve when I was able to throw a punch without immediately following it with a maneuver that made him, Bucky, and Sam question if I were performing some new crazy dance move while teaching them new combinations for dropping F-bombs.

They stopped making fun of me after I revealed what Cap smelled like to me. I thought Sam pulled something in his back laughing.

Stephen had started the lessons up again shortly beforehand, although Loki insisted on supplementing it with some of his input. Those two at least had called a truce for my sake, although my Trickster still managed to slip in a backhanded compliment now and then when it came to some of the things Stephen was teaching me. I gave up trying to get him to behave.

Nat and I began talking more, and I joined her for the binge nights in the theater downstairs. Sometimes Bruce would join us, and on those nights Loki would join as well. I would watch his face with rapt fascination as he took in Earth entertainment, taking great pleasure in some of the internal reactions I picked up from him. It was especially entertaining when Nat and I decided on a "bad movie" night, which of course included classics like Troll 2, Manos, and The Room. I nearly peed myself laughing at his reactions to those, and he was alto happy to make the rest of us laugh even more with his snarky commentary. I noticed a huge change in how the others were around him. Even Natasha had relaxed, and Steve no longer seemed like he wanted to shove Loki into the garbage disposal and flip the switch.

I didn't live above the bakery anymore, but I still stopped by to visit James. We'd watch TV, talk about books, share the latest treat he had bought from downstairs. I found out he was having fewer nightmares, that therapy plus talking to Sam were really helping him. I was happy to hear it. He tried to give me credit as well, but to be honest I didn't think I did very much. I could tell he was doing much, much better though, and was happy to see him smiling more. I was even happier when he and Sam returned from a vacation to Sam's hometown to hear Sam bitching about how Bucky kept flirting with his sister. It seemed I wasn't the only one who had come a long way. Oh, I still had my moments, my bad days, times when I teetered a little too close to falling back into the labyrinth. They were getting fewer and farer between though.

Life was actually pretty good overall.

There was just one thing. And I could tell that one thing was getting harder on Loki as more time passed, despite him trying to claim otherwise.

"I can do this myself, you know," I pointed out as Loki cleaned my arm. It was looking a lot better and I hoped it would be fully healed soon. I was getting tired of the dressing, and the injury itched horribly.

"Have you heard me complaining about doing this, even once?" was his response as he took out the gauze wrap.

"Of course not. I just don't want you using vet wrap with cartoon characters on it again."

"I thought you liked Disney," Loki observed as he wrapped my bicep.

"On screen, sure. On my person? Not so much." He smirked at me and grabbed the tasteful blue gauze to finish his work. I caught his hand with my own before he could pull away. He blinked and relaxed his hand, letting me move it so that my palm was pressing against his. I intertwined our fingers, and clasped his hand tightly.

He was shaking with nerves and anticipation, and there was a lot of confusion there as well. His eyes were uncertain as he watched my face. I brought my other hand to the side of his face, cupping it and brushing my thumb across his lips. "Pet," he almost growled in warning. At the same time the hand I was holding squeezed mine.

Loki realized what he was doing, glanced at our joined hands, and then back at my face. His eyes searched mine, looking for any sign of anxiety or fear.

There wasn't any for him to find.

I scooted to the edge of the chair to get closer to him. I was still touching his face, tracing his lips with my finger, and gazed into his eyes. "I love you, Loki," I whispered. "Go ahead. It's okay."

He almost didn't believe me, but he squeezed my hand harder, and brought his other hand to my face. My eyelids lowered and I shivered as he touched my face, his fingers brushing my temples, my cheek, my lips. His hand traveled to my throat, where he froze to make sure I didn't react badly. His hand brushed my shoulder, and then he flattened his hand on my back before gently running his nails along my skin.

Electricity zipped up my spine, making me tingle. I moaned and arched my upper body. And it was like the floodgates had opened.

I didn't even see him move. The chair was on the floor lying on its side, and my back was against the wall. It was as though that moan had provided him the permission he needed. He framed my face in his cool hands, his eyes watery as they stared into mine, and then he claimed my lips in a kiss that contained all the passion, all the hunger he had kept chained for months for my sake. He had been right, he wasn't gentle. He kissed me like he had been in the desert for weeks and I was water. He sucked on my lower lip, teased my teeth with his tongue, and made me open for him. He plundered my mouth, and even gently bit my lip, easing the nip with butterfly touches of his lips.

Then he lifted me in his arms and tossed me onto the bed, pouncing on me and kissing me again. His emotions were so primal, so full of need, that I was glad I hadn't made any plans for the next couple of days.

Despite his hunger, he took his time, kissing and tasting every inch of skin he could reach, before he made my clothes vanish and started on the rest of it. He licked, nibbled, and sucked his way down my body, his hands caressing and squeezing me while I whimpered and moaned in response, his cool skin making me burn. He captured my hands in his when I tried to remove his clothing, squeezing my wrists in warning, before he lowered himself to taste me between my thighs. His mouth and fingers were far superior to his phantoms in skill, and I was a panting, whimpering, needful mess after he brought me to the edge again and again without letting me fly over.

I trembled and watched Loki while he finally got rid of his clothes, and then returned to give me another open-mouthed kiss. He captured my throat in his hand, locking eyes with me while he entered me. He kept the pace agonizingly slow at first, keeping me frustrated to the point of tears while he flexed his hips enough to keep me on the edge.

I sobbed when he finally started moving, deep, hard thrusts that sent me soaring over the edge with him.

It was hours later when Loki dragged me into the shower with him to wash off. I was walking a bit bow-legged, something that he was a bit too proud of. He ran the cloth with the bodywash I liked to use over my flesh, kissing my neck and shoulders like he couldn't get enough.

I knew that Loki touching me was something I would never take for granted, and I had a feeling he wouldn't either.

"I have worked up an appetite," he announced as he wrapped me up in a thick towel and hugged me from behind. "Pizza for dinner?"

"If anyplace is still open."

"We're in New York. There's always something open." He kissed my temple while capturing my eyes in the mirror with his own. "Come, Pet. We'll eat and then we'll go back-"

"You cannot seriously mean we'll go any more rounds tonight. We'll run out of things to do to each other!"

Loki smirked. "I am not sure about you, but that will never happen to me as far as you're concerned. And if I do run out of ideas for tonight, coming up with new ways to love you sounds like a delightful way to spend eternity."

I turned in his arms to look up at him, studying his face. "Eternity. That's a long time."

Loki nodded. "You can say it's forever."

I swallowed. "That's a hell of a commitment."

"And it is one I have happily made." Loki cupped my face in his hand. "To you. Only to you."

Part of me still felt guilty, still felt that I should be with my family and the rest of my universe. I still didn't know what exactly happened to it, who was responsible for its destruction. I might never find out. I still had gaps in my memory from my time in captivity, and those may never fill in. I was still sick mentally, but that was getting easier to live with. With help from my friends, who were becoming my new family, and from my Trickster.

The towel fell off me. We never did get that pizza.

End. Thank you so much for sticking with this story. I may come out with more stories featuring these characters in the future, depending on how the muse strikes. Your follows, favorites, and reviews would be great encouragement, so feel free to do so and share this tale. I hope you enjoyed this journey, and hope to continue it down the road.