"Help her. Please Hailey, help her."
"Kim. Kim, you okay? You okay?"
"5021 Henry, 10-1, 10-1. I have an officer and civilian down. Roll two ambos to Cindy Lyn Motel."
"Kim! Kim, are you alright?"
"I don't know, I don't know. Help me, please. Please."
"C'mon, it's all right, c'mon. It's all right. Okay. You're okay."
"Hailey? Kim!"
"Adam, here!"
"Kim! Kim, are you alright?"
"I don't know, I don't know. Help me, please. please."
"Hailey!"
The woman jumped into the chair finally focusing on Kevin's fingers snapping in front of her.
"Oh hey, news?"
She ran her hands wearily over her face as she stood up and leaned against the wall. She searched for every available surface to cling to while her mind was spinning so hard.
Kim's tears continued to echo in her ears as if she were still immersed in the water of the tub in front of her.
"Not yet. Where's Halstead?"
"Went to his truck to get something."
Kevin nodded softly before leaning towards her, "Hey, you okay?"
"I'm fine, Kev." Hailey shrugged leaning against the wall and smiling gently at him.
She couldn't pretend but, luckily for her, Kevin dropped the conversation and turned to Vanessa who had just joined them.
She dropped into the chair next to them releasing a deep breath and Hailey squeezed her shoulder in a light grip.
She had closed her eyes for a few seconds while the light noises of Med echoed around them, when Jay appeared in the waiting room.
Her gaze immediately gravitated to him and she almost panicked as she realized how much calmer she could feel when he was in the same room as her.
Her mind seemed to think much slower than usual because it took her a few seconds to realize he was calling her back and, slowly, she walked over to him.
Only when she was standing in front of him, her body reacted to his presence and Hailey had to restrain herself to avoid grabbing his arm and collapsing against him - just to absorb some of the solid calm surrounding him, to absorb some of his warmth.
"Go change your clothes, okay?"
She blinked a few times as her hands gripped the duffel bag he was holding out for her.
"There's also a jacket. Take it. Yours is still wet."
Jay squeezed her shoulder lightly and pushed her towards the bathroom..
She turned to watch his back when he was walking away from her and clenched her fists against the bag trying not to hug him - just because he was still alive.
She hid in the deserted bathroom and slowly took off her jacket and shirt. Her sleeves were still wet and she shivered at the feeling of the cold air against her still wet skin. Until that moment, she hadn't noticed how cold she was but now, alone in a hospital bathroom, she looked at herself in the mirror and shivered.
Hailey closed her eyes breathing softly as her mind dragged her back a few hours, still kneeling on that motel bathroom floor with the young woman in her arms.
...
A few hours before -
"Hailey!"
"I'm here! Jay, here!"
He peeked out of the door with shortness of breath and rushed next to her, "Ambo almost here. How is she?"
"She's holding on. What about Kim?"
The look on his face made her insides twist but he immediately pulled his eyes away from her as he looked around.
They were silent for a few seconds, while the girl breathed heavily against her legs.
Jay touched her shoulder in an involuntary gesture and took a slow breath before lowering against her.
"Jay, I'm not so sure about Kim..."
"She'll be fine. She'll be fine."
...
"Hailey, you okay in there?"
She widened her eyes quickly upon hearing Vanessa's voice and opened the door to let her in before slipping into a Jay's blue sweatshirt.
Vanessa remained silent, holding out the jacket she had found in his bag and pulling her into a tight hug.
While not a real lover of physical contact, Hailey had learned that, from time to time, Vanessa needed it - and that was definitely one of those moments.
Since she had entered the unit, this was the second time they had ended up waiting hours in Med's waiting room. And it was absolutely unnerving.
"Everything will be fine." Hailey wrapped her arms around her back as Vanessa breathed shakily against her.
"What if she's not okay?"
She slowly pulled away from the embrace grabbing Vanessa's arms and looking straight into her eyes, "Then we'll find out."
She wanted to be strong - she wanted to be strong for Vanessa, who was scared. She wanted to be strong for Kim, who was suffering. She wanted to be strong for herself, but she was tired.
Hailey slipped away from her softly, one hand reaching out to squeeze hers and drag her behind her.
As easily as Hailey gravitated towards Jay, Vanessa sat down beside Kevin and leaned her head against his shoulder.
Hailey placed the duffel bag at her feet and imitated her partner's pose. Her back pressed against the wall and her eyes closed. She slid lightly towards him until she touched his arm - a contact she wouldn't seek, but which she needed right now.
Despite what he was feeling, Jay was always calm.
Hailey had learned months ago that hospital time had a logic all of its own. It seemed to slow down while every second tolled in the deafening silence.
They jumped when Adam approached them slowly. His footsteps were heavy while his gaze was wild. He looked around like a caged animal until he stopped in front of them.
"She'll be fine but uh…the baby..."
Hailey blinked feeling her body freeze. She clenched her fists in the pockets of Jay's jacket with desperation while, before her eyes, continued to repeat the images of Kim immersed in water, suffering and crying.
She saw Kevin hug Adam and Jay give him a light pat on the back. Vanessa pulled away slightly from them trying to wipe the tears from her cheeks and then she grabbed Hailey's arm and slipped lightly against her shoulder.
"Hey." Jay squeezed her shoulder lightly, "Come on, I'll take you home."
She nodded absently as she grabbed Jay's duffel bag still beside her feet and slowly followed him as if she couldn't do anything else - as if following Jay was the only thing that still allowed her to move.
"Hailey!"
She was dragged violently out of her thoughts by Adam's voice and when she turned, she saw him approach them with quick steps.
His arm was pointing towards her and before she could understand what was happening, Adam was an inch from her face.
"What the hell were you thinking? Kim was hurt and you only cared about the girl!"
Hailey took a step back away from him slightly. Adam was still towering over her and she felt the need to get away from his voice and his eyes.
"Kim told me to help the girl. She begged me."
"And how could you think it was the right choice?"
"I was with her, Adam!" Hailey clenched her fists and raised her chin, "Kim asked me to make sure the girl was okay and that's what I did!"
"And you've been selfish!"
Adam screamed as he slammed his fist against the wall and she reacted by taking another step back. She saw Kevin, behind Adam, approach them but before she could do anything else, Jay occupied her vision by stepping forward and reaching out to him, "Hey, man..."
Adam violently shook his hand off before his face.
"Out of it, Halstead." He barked angrily trying to get past him.
Adam was taller than him, but Jay could be steadier when he wanted - and right now he didn't seem like he was going to allow Adam to make another move.
"Forget it, Ruz. This isn't the time."
"Of course it's time. Don't try to stop me, I want an answer!"
Adam thrust his hand against Jay's shoulder and Hailey saw his shoulders stiffen immediately.
"Adam. Do not touch me."
It was just a hiss, followed quickly by Kevin's movement as he wrapped his arm around Adam's shoulders and dragged him back slightly.
His tone seemed to trigger something in Adam, because his face softened and his arms fell to his sides.
Hailey grabbed Jay's arm and pulled him back slightly against her, before looking at Adam and whispering, "I just did what Kim asked to me to do."
Adam looked down for a second, but when he looked up his eyes were still cold and blinded by something Hailey recognized as an accusation.
Adam was silent, but he didn't really need to speak to explain what he was thinking.
"I'm sorry if you feel that way. But Kim is my friend and, if I could, I would have done anything for her."
Hailey shook her head slowly before pulling Jay towards her and walking away from them. Staying there, it would have done nothing but continue to trigger the situation.
Adam was worried and sad about what had happened to Kim. They had just lost their baby in a tragic situation and Adam had no idea how to deal with it.
Hailey couldn't even imagine how they might feel, but what she knew was that maybe, deep down, Adam was right.
They reached Jay's truck in silence, both lost in their thoughts.
His presence was the constant that Hailey followed even with her eyes closed. She was so used to trusting him that, even in that moment, she didn't ask questions, she just followed him - she was just too tired to think.
...
"Hey, you want something?"
Jay waved a hand in front of her and she blinked a few times to bring him into focus.
"No, I…uhm, I'm fine."
He nodded with a frown before disappearing in the kitchen. She felt him fumbling for a few seconds and took the opportunity to wedge her legs under her body and curl up on the couch. She rolled a blanket on her shoulders and leaned her head against the armrest, closing her eyes.
She could no longer even be surprised at the ease with which she slipped into his apartment. It was normal and comforting - the same feeling she got whenever Jay was around her.
She clenched her fists in the blanket lightly hiding her face in her arms trying not to get lost in her thoughts.
This night, it was easy to get lost in the memory of Kim's blood staining the bathroom tiles.
'Help her. Please Hailey, help her.'
'Kim. Kim, you okay? You okay?'
'Help her, Hailey.'
"Hailey? Hailey."
Hailey snapped out of her thoughts by extending her arms violently in front of her. She focused on Jay as he lifted his hands away slightly from her and sighed heavily collapsing back into the couch.
It was just Jay - solid and calm Jay.
"Sorry, I…uhm, yeah?"
"Do you want to stay here tonight?"
"What?" Hailey snapped her head up.
"Yeah, I mean..." Jay peeked out the kitchen door, scratching the back of his neck nervously, "It's not like it's the first time and…I don't know, if you want..."
"I..." Hailey pulled the blanket under her chin as she looked down, "Can I take a shower?"
"Sure!" Jay replied eagerly before slipping his hands into his pockets, "So…I'm going to take a shower and then it's all yours, okay?"
She nodded softly and Jay vanished down the hall.
The sound of the bathroom door closed behind him made Hailey breathe softly and the sound of the shower water made her close her eyes with a sigh.
She was supposed to text Vanessa she wasn't coming home that night but, she didn't know why, she figured she would understand. Vanessa probably wouldn't even ask her where she'd been - she'd just imagine it.
Because it wasn't the first time she'd spent the night at Jay's place.
Because it had become normal for her to hang around in his living room while he was busy doing something else - and it shouldn't have been so normal, yet it was.
She had learned about every corner of his apartment. She knew where he hid the supply of chocolate bars that he bought just for her, she knew where he kept those heavy socks that he always lent her because her feet were frozen.
Jay yelled at her that the bathroom was free and Hailey waited to hear him disappear into the bedroom before staking a shower.
A change of clothes was neatly folded on the toilet and she didn't keep her heart from beating slightly faster.
Jay had a care for the things that always amazed her - he was tidy and precise when it came to taking care of her as well. And that was something Hailey couldn't really get used to.
She closed her eyes under the jet of boiling water trying to forget for a moment everything that had happened that day.
Kim's desperate gaze, her blood on the bathroom tiles, her crying - there was something in the silent desperation with which she had looked at her that she couldn't shake off.
She came out of the shower tying the towel around her body and wrung out her hair with another towel.
She hated having to use the same underwear she'd been using all day, but she didn't have another pair of panties and she didn't know how to do it any other way. She slid his sweatshirt over her and then pulled up his sweatpants and rolled them around her hips.
Her eyes were tired and, probably, if she hadn't been with Jay she would have spent the whole night awake. She didn't think she would have a really good sleep, but maybe for a few hours she would be able to shut her brain off from repeating the day's events.
The apartment was already plunged into darkness when she left the bathroom.
She looked around for a second, unsure where to go. She could sleep on the couch and wake up the next morning with back pain. Or she could have joined Jay in bed, as she had done too many times before, and wake up the next morning with his sleepy expression as a good morning.
She walked down the hall to his bedroom slowly, her footsteps soft against the hardwood floor as she walked through the door. She knew Jay wasn't sleeping yet, but seeing him occupy only one side of his bed, leaving the rest free for her, made her heart beat faster.
She slipped under the blanket releasing a light breath and letting her head sink into her pillow.
"Everything good?"
Jay rolled over slowly tearing off the blanket and she giggled squeezing them against her body.
"Everything's good. I needed a shower."
"Yeah, me too."
They were silent for a few seconds, the room was completely dark, but the rain pattering against the window was a clear sign of the weather that night.
"Hailey..."
She breathed hard, narrowing her eyes against the dark.
She didn't want to hear his voice say her name that way - as if he could dig deep inside her until he wrested the truth she couldn't tell.
Her hand slipped under the blanket until it touched his forearm with the tips of her fingers. She sighed softly as she felt his warm skin against hers and hid her face against the pillow.
She hated how easy staying in bed with him was, in the dark talking - breathing that everyday.
"What are you thinking?"
Hailey asked him breaking the silence.
She saw a slight smile shine on his lips and let the feeling of simplicity that vibrates all around them warm her.
Jay reached out to grab a lock of her hair, now spread out on the pillow, and took a slow breath before speaking.
"I think that…Adam was unfair."
Hailey's eyes widened at his words. She would have expected many things, but not this.
"Unfair?"
"Attacking you like that, what was the point? I mean... " He immediately added, "It was his way of reacting to mourning, but, honestly, what was the point? Make you feel guilty?"
Jay shook his head against the pillow and she tightened the grip on his arm as an involuntary gesture.
"But do you know what really pisses me off?"
His question was rhetorical, because after a second of silence and without waiting for her answer, Jay continued, "You're here thinking he was right."
"What?"
"You know what I'm talking about." Jay brushed her off with a nervous laugh, "You're thinking you didn't do enough for Kim. Am I wrong?"
Despite the darkness, Hailey could swear she could see the spark of defiance in his gaze.
There was no point in lying - not to him. And she was too exhausted to be able to lie. So she simply told him the truth - the same truth had been haunting her for hours.
"I think..." She started slowly, "I think maybe I could have done something more, yeah."
"Eh. Hailey, I heard your call on the radio. And under your voice, Kim begged you to help the girl. I heard it. And I walked into that motel as Adam walked away with Kim. She stopped me, you know? She stopped me and told me to check on the girl. She needed to know she would be okay."
She looked up at him, still taken aback by what he was saying. Hailey was silent though, because the words had suddenly become so difficult.
"Kim will always be grateful to you for taking care of her."
"But she lost the baby and..."
"And that's something she's going to have to deal with all her life. But it's not your fault. And Adam was an asshole to yell at you like that."
Hailey tightened the grip on his arm and, breathing a sob, she squinted to block the tears she felt were about to escape.
They were silent and after a few minutes Hailey's breathing finally became more regular. She moved slightly towards him trying, subtly, to absorb some of his warmth before slipping into a light sleep due to the fatigue.
"What he's going through, though."
Jay's voice was hoarse and he must have really thought about what to say and how to say it, because the ill-concealed emotion in his tone made her reopen her eyes.
"You have criticized him until now."
Jay laughed softly as he moved the blanket a little, "Yeah but…he lost his baby."
"Yeah…I don't want children for that reason." She said confidently.
Jay looked at her silently tilting his head to one side, and she continued.
"The guilt if something goes wrong... nah, not something I could live with."
"Yeah, not against it. A life grows within you for nine months and you have to keep it safe. Not something I could do."
Hailey laughed softly, shaking her head.
"You're delusional."
"I'm just saying…" Jay gently pulled her hair, "For men it's different. Being a dad is...huge, yeah, but it doesn't radically change your life. Being a mom though..."
"If you were a dad and something happened to you on the field, it would affect your child…and your child's mom."
"But it's different."
"It's different just because Kim lost the baby and not Adam. But it also affects Adam."
"Yeah..." Jay slowly nodded at her words with his eyes closed, "You really don't want kids?"
His words landed between them like a boulder and Hailey was silent for a few seconds.
"Honestly? I don't know. I would say no, but I don't…I don't know."
His hand moved slowly through her hair and Hailey breathed softly at the feeling of peace that slid down her spine.
"You would be a good dad, you know? Of course, if you weren't a magnet for bullets…"
Hailey tried to lighten the mood but the seriousness in his eyes told her that no, he understood what she was saying.
"You would be a great mom. If you wanted to be."
Jay didn't need to vocalize the rest of his thought. He knew what her real fear was, why she feared having children: she was afraid of not being a good mom.
"Maybe we should get some sleep."
It was the only thing she managed to articulate and Jay smiled lightly as he rolled over on his back.
They remained silent as the noises of the storm filled the room.
"Jay?" Hailey whispered softly and he opened his eyes again to look at her.
"Thanks."
"I don't really know what you're talking about."
It was the light smile that slid across his lips as he closed her eyes that made her heart beat a little faster.
It was that feeling of tranquility - of peace - that was all around him. It was a feeling Hailey had come to love - it made her thoughts quieter on those nights where they might have deafened her.
She rolled over on her other side, she knew Jay wasn't asleep yet but his breathing behind her let her drift slowly in her sleep.
And here I am! This episode was so hard to write down and life got in the way so almost a month later I came back here!
See you soon friends, I missed you all. H