A/N: Tomorrow is going to be busy, so I'm getting this out there early. Happy Easter!
..
Tuesday, July 1
.
What is wrong with me? For the hundredth time that day, Tobias found his mind wandering, and he struggled to get any work done.
After a fun and relaxing four days in his home, Tris had moved out. She'd gone to work that morning, her car packed with everything she owned, and she wasn't coming back.
It's just because it was nice having someone else there again, he told himself.
He hadn't expected having Tris in his home to be so… effortless. He thought she'd be a weekend houseguest. He thought she'd need caring for after the embryo transfer. He thought he was protecting his 'investment.'
I'm just stressed about the baby, he excused his feelings.
They had to wait another seven to ten days to find out if the embryo had implanted in Tris' uterus, and that was stressful. If this one didn't take, Tobias was down to five embryos.
I wonder if she needs help moving in, he mused.
Okay, so it wasn't all about the baby - Tobias could admit that. He and Tris had become friends.
Being concerned about your friends is perfectly normal, Tobias reasoned with himself.
He looked up at the clock - 10:22 am.
How have only five minutes passed?!
..
Tris left work early to move, and to be there during her delivery window from the furniture store. Other than the bed they were delivering, her earthly possessions consisted of her car and its contents - clothes, shoes, toiletries, bedding, towels, and a few kitchen basics.
My needs are met, she reminded herself. Things were going to be simple for a while, but she was excited to be independent and on her own for the first time ever. Tris had gone from living with her family, to moving in with Peter, to crashing on Will and Christina's couch. The studio apartment above Mrs. Connors' garage was the first time she'd had a place that was truly her own.
Mrs. Connors let her in to the garage, and Tris carried two paper shopping bags up to the apartment on her first trip. One contained pale pink bath towels, and the other had cleaning supplies. When she came back down, Max and Veronica were there with a houseplant, some freshly-baked bread, and a gift card to a nearby supermarket. Tris eagerly invited them up to see her apartment, and Max helped her carry a few more bags on the way up.
Al, her landlady's son, arrived next. He brought keys and a garage door opener, and he also helped Tris carry in a few things.
The bed was delivered soon after Al, Max, and Veronica left, and Tris directed the employees on where to put it. Once they were gone, she worked on setting it up with a mattress cover, pale teal sheets, a cute multicolored botanical-print comforter, and her pillow.
"It's starting to look like home," she said aloud to the empty room, smiling at the colorful bedding and the houseplant she'd placed on the provided table.
Tris stayed busy all afternoon putting clothes in the closet, kitchen items in the cupboards, and toiletries on the bathroom shelves. She made a list of things she would need.
A little after five o'clock, Christina showed up, bringing a boxed set of glassware as a housewarming gift. Tris eagerly showed her friend the features of her little studio space.
"What do you think?" she asked Christina.
"It's small, but nice," Christina said. "You need some wall art and a dresser, but I think you'll be comfortable here."
"I kind of expected more commentary from you," Tris teased. "I ask an interior designer about my apartment and all I get is 'nice?'"
Christina laughed. "Okay," she said, "I'm thinking a lot more than 'nice,' but you have budget limits, and I know it. What matters is that you found a place you like, and you have what you need. We can add window treatments, wall hangings, more furniture, and stuff like that later. I really like your comforter. The milky teal, navy, rust, pale pink, and gold color scheme is hot right now. I like the teal sheets and pink bath towels. That comforter gives you a lot of colors to pull from. You should add more navy to ground the space, and some aged brass or gold accents. That would add richness. Ooh! And a throw pillow in a fuzzy texture - maybe the pale pink color. What color dishes did you buy?"
"Now that was the Christina I expected!" Tris laughed. "My dishes are off-white, like the background of the comforter. I just got service for four. They were the last ones left on clearance, so I got a good deal. Someday I'll have to start over, though, since they don't make these anymore."
"That works," Christina said. "Now, as much as I love discussing interior design, what I really want to talk about is you and baby-daddy. He's cute, Tris, and the two of you seemed really… connected? cozy? cute maybe? You looked good together!"
"Chris, don't," Tris warned. "I'm glad Tobias and I can be friends. We get along great, and yes, he is cute. But don't start with something that isn't there. He's still very much in love with his wife, and I am nowhere near… I don't know. I'm just a mess. Besides, I'm a hired surrogate. Don't make things any more complicated than they are."
"Blah blah blah," Christina teased. "I know what I saw. I saw two young, single, good-looking adults who obviously enjoy each other's company. Don't act like you don't feel anything."
Tris shrugged. "I'm not blind," she conceded. "He's cute, and he's really sweet, too. But we have to do this surrogate thing together, and I don't want to make it awkward. And I wasn't kidding about him and his wife. He's still very much in love with her. He's talked about how he doesn't think he'll ever move on from Lauren, and I respect that. We're just friends - that's all it is, and all I'm willing to pursue."
Christina stuck out her tongue. "Whatever," she said dismissively. "I'm going to enjoy watching you two fall for each other, and saying 'I told you so.'"
Tris glared at her friend, and Christina laughed. "Alright, alright," she conceded, holding up her hands in surrender. "I'll drop it. But you should know, Lover Boy is on his way over here with a pizza and a housewarming gift."
"Wait, what?" Tris asked as her hands flew to smooth her messy hair.
Christina laughed so hard she had to drop into a chair and wipe away tears. "Oh my god," she wheezed.
"Are you messing with me?" Tris asked.
Christina laughed even harder, then shook her head. "He's really on his way. He called me earlier and wanted to know what you needed as a housewarming gift. I gave him a few ideas and told him that I'd let you know he was bringing dinner."
"Chris!" Tris whined. "I'm a mess!"
"You totally like him," Christina insisted. "Look at you!"
Tris stopped dead in her tracks. Why was she freaking out? She didn't care when Max and Veronica came over. She hadn't worried when Al stopped by with the keys. Christina was welcome no matter what condition Tris was in. Why did she care about impressing Tobias?
Oh my god, she thought to herself. Chris is right. I like him.
..
Tobias parked along the curb in front of Tris' new place. He saw her car in the driveway with another vehicle, and let out a shaking breath.
I'm just bringing dinner and a housewarming gift to my friend, he told himself. There's no reason why we can't be friends. It doesn't mean anything. A married man can have a female friend. Shauna is my friend, and that's okay. Right? Why am I even questioning this?
For five minutes, Tobias sat in his car, trying to psyche himself up and calm himself down at the same time. The July heat was sweltering, intensifying the smell of pizza coming from the box on the passenger seat.
"This is stupid," Tobias berated himself out loud. "She's expecting me, and the food. I can do this."
Before he could change his mind, he grabbed the pizza and a paper bag containing soda, chips, and his housewarming gift, and hurried out of his vehicle.
Christina glanced out Tris' window and smirked at the agitated-looking man walking up the driveway. He might still be in love with his late wife - he might still be grieving, but she could clearly see the attraction between Tobias and Tris.
"Your baby daddy is here," Christina teased her best friend in a sing-song voice.
"Can you let him in?" Tris called from the bathroom.
Christina rushed down the stairs to the garage and let Tobias in, leading him up to the apartment.
Tris could hear her friends coming up the stairs, and couldn't help rolling her eyes. Christina talked non-stop. She always had. Tris wondered what Tobias thought of that.
"I can't stay," Christina was saying as she led Tobias into the little apartment. "Will is waiting for me. It was really nice of you to come by, Tobias. I guess Max and Veronica stopped by earlier. You guys have been great. Tris really needed new friends, and you guys have just…"
"I did need new friends," Tris interrupted. "My old ones talk too much."
Christina laughed and stuck out her tongue. "You love me," she said. "Besides, I don't know what to do around quiet people like him," she pointed to Tobias. "I feel like I have to talk more to keep a conversation going."
"Poor Will," Tris teased. "You know, Chris, silence doesn't have to be uncomfortable."
"It does for me," Christina retorted, throwing her purse over her shoulder. "I'll leave the two of you to sit in silence without me."
"Well there's no quiet with you," Tris shot back.
Christina laughed as she let herself out. "You're a bitch, but I love you," she called out.
"Takes one to know one!" Tris called back, then hurried to open a window so she could blow Christina a kiss as she laughed.
"You two are… something," Tobias said.
"We give each other a hard time for fun," Tris replied, "but she really is a great friend. She's fiercely loyal and brutally honest. She can be a lot - but in a good way, too."
"Zeke is like that," Tobias agreed with a nod. "So, let's see this new apartment of yours."
.
Tris gave Tobias the grand tour of her new place - which took about thirty seconds. The studio was short on square footage, but it was clean, updated, and comfortable.
Tobias dutifly admired the upgrades, and the things Tris had chosen for her home. He asked concerned questions about her security and HVAC systems. His favorite part of the place was Tris' excitement over her regained independence. She fairly glowed with it.
The two of them shared the pizza and junk food that Tobias had brought. He gave her his gift, too, and Tris was excited by the stainless flatware set and bamboo drawer organizer for it. She promised that next time he visited, she would make him a real meal, and that they would sit down at her dining room table and eat it with her new dishes, the glassware from Christina, and the new flatware from him.
"Do you have a television?" Tobias asked as they cleaned up after dinner.
"No," Tris said, "but I bought a laptop, and I can stream stuff on there. The apartment has good wi-fi. It was one of the upgrades that Al put in between tenants. He made his mom get internet access, and put it out here, too."
"That's nice," Tobias said. "Do you want to watch a movie, or do you have more stuff to work on tonight?"
"I have a few more things to do before I go to work tomorrow," Tris admitted regretfully, "but if you want to stream that TV show we talked about, I have time for an episode or two."
"Sure," Tobias grinned.
They got the kitchen cleaned up for the night, and Tris set up her laptop on the kitchen table, in clear view from the little two-seater sofa that had come with the apartment. She started the first episode of a comedy show they'd talked about over the weekend, and they settled in to watch.
At the end of the first episode, Tris got up to get herself a glass of water, and offered one to Tobias. He accepted, and a moment later Tris returned with the two glasses.
"Here," she said, offering the glass toward Tobias, who was still staring at the screen.
"Thanks Lauren," he said offhandedly.
Tris gasped, and they both froze, each holding a hand on the glass of water between them. She was the first to recover, carefully moving her hand once she was sure he had a hold on the glass. She walked around to her side of the sofa, took a sip of her water, and dared a glance back at Tobias.
He hadn't moved. She wasn't sure if he was even breathing. He just sat, leaned forward over his knees, the glass of water in his hand.
"It's okay," Tris said gently, trying to force her voice to sound lighthearted. "My mom called me by my brother's name all the time growing up. At least you got my gender right."
Tobias let out a small huffing sound, the only indication that he'd heard Tris. He stood up abruptly, and set the glass of water on the table. Beside it, a studio audience laughed on her laptop screen.
"I should go," Tobias said. His voice was matter-of-fact, hard, and stunned.
"Tobias," Tris replied in an almost pleading tone. "It was an honest mistake. It's not a big deal."
"Yeah," he said, still sounding off. "Sorry. But I should still go."
"Okay," Tris said in a small voice. What else could she do? "Thanks for the silverware. And for the pizza and stuff. That was really nice of you."
"Yeah, no problem," Tobias said, carefully avoiding eye contact. "I… I'll see you soon. Have a good night, Tris."
"Good night," she said as he hurried out the door and down the stairs.
The studio audience laughed again, and Tris felt the sound grate on her nerves. That was… I don't even know, she thought to herself. It was a lot. Overwhelming.
She unpacked a bit more that evening, trying to stay busy, but her mind kept wandering back to Tobias. Her heart broke for him and his grief. She knew Christina was right, she did have a crush on the handsome young widow. But she was also his surrogate. And he was still very much in love with his wife and walking through the grieving process. Plus, she thought, when he does get ready to date again, he could do a lot better than me and my baggage. I should probably give him some space. Spending the weekend together, and then again tonight… it was a lot of two new friends and the whole bio parent/surrogate relationship.
She resolved to give Tobias some space, and stay out of his way until he reached out to her again.
..
Tobias hurried out of Tris' apartment, down the stairs, and out to his vehicle. He climbed into the driver's seat with a growl and banged his head against the steering wheel. "Oh my god," he groaned. "What the hell was that? So awkward. What was I thinking?"
I wasn't thinking, he continued internally. I wasn't paying attention. Awkward. That was so awkward. And careless. And stupid. What bothered him the most is that he didn't even think he was talking to Lauren. He hadn't been feeling like his wife was back and things were the way they used to be. He had been very aware of the fact that it was Tris sitting next to him on the little loveseat sofa. He was very, very aware of her golden blonde hair, her petite frame curled up beside him, and the unique scent of her there in her new place. He'd just been distracted by the show playing on her laptop screen, and the wrong name came out of his mouth.
I can't do this, he argued with himself. I'm not ready for this. Lauren hasn't even been gone for a whole year.
A year next week, his subconscious reminded him. A long, lonely year. And Tris is just a friend. A new friend who is helping me walk through my grief, and is giving me part of the future Lauren and I planned.
Tobias groaned again, still mortified by his slipup, and started his car.
"I need some space," he said aloud to himself as he drove home. "It's just too much since she was with me all weekend and again tonight. A few days back to my normal routine and I'll be able to sort this out in my head. It will be okay.
"It will be okay," he repeated.
..
For nearly a week, neither Tris nor Tobias contacted one another. Both lost sleep feeling bad about the way their last evening together ended.
Tris wondered if there was something more she should have said.
Tobias continued to wallow in guilt while trying to convince himself that a few more days apart would make him stop thinking about her.
Both picked up their phones and opened their email programs a dozen times before stopping themselves from reaching out to each other.
It was a miserable week.
..
Tuesday, July 8
.
"No, no, no!" Tris yelled at her car. She was going to be late for work, but the dumb thing refused to start, and it was entirely too hot to think about walking to the church. "Please," she pleaded with the vehicle, which whined but refused to turn over.
Uncharacteristically, Tris began to sob. This stupid car always picks the worst days to act up! She had a meeting scheduled with the pastor that morning, and a doctor appointment scheduled for the next day. It was nearly a hundred degrees outside, and she didn't have extra money to spend on rideshares.
"One crisis at a time," she said aloud. It was a mantra that she began repeating to herself when the Peter disaster blew up her life. If she looked at the whole picture, it could be too much to handle. But taken once crisis at a time, she could keep going.
"I need a ride to work," Tris said. "If I can get there, I can walk home, or maybe someone can drop me off on their way out this evening."
She pulled out her phone and ordered up an Uber.
..
Tobias' alarm went off, and before he even opened up his eyes, he knew what day it was. July 8, the first anniversary of Lauren's death. He groaned, and rolled to face her empty side of the bed.
"You have no idea how much I miss you," he said to her pillow.
Tobias forced himself to get out of bed. He had taken the day off from work, and had plans to meet Max and Veronica at the cemetery, followed by breakfast at Lauren's favorite cafe. He went through the motions of shaving and dressing himself in khaki shorts and a button-up camp shirt that Lauren had bought for him shortly before she died. He skipped his usual morning coffee, grabbed his keys, and left the house quickly.
After a quick stop at a local florist's shop, Tobias made his way to the cemetery and parked near his wife's resting place. Max and Veronica were already there, and Max was laying a wreath on his daughter's grave as Tobias approached. He placed his flowers next to the wreath before taking his mother-in-law into his arms for a long hug.
"I can't believe it's been a whole year without her," Max said as he patted Tobias' shoulder.
Tobias let go of Veronica, and gave his father-in-law a quick hug as well. "Sometimes it feels like much longer, and sometimes it feels like just yesterday," he replied.
Veronica nodded as she wiped her eyes. "Those are lovely flowers," she complimented Tobias.
"The big, bright gerbera daisies were her favorite," Tobias said.
For several long moments, the three of them stood in silence staring at the headstone bearing Lauren's name.
Max was the first to break the silence. "We, uh, we came early so we could take a few minutes to speak to her," he said. "I thought maybe you'd like to do the same. Ronnie and I can go to the restaurant and get a table. You can take as much time as you need here and join us when you're ready."
Tobias nodded, unable to speak around the lump in his throat.
Max ushered Veronica back to their car, leaving Tobias alone with his wife's grave.
"Um, hey," he said awkwardly to the headstone. "It's… it's been a whole year. I don't really know what to say to you. Some days I want to talk to you. I have a whole lifetime of things to share with you, but we won't get that.
"So, uh, life is pretty normal, I guess. Work is good. Amar is good. He helped me find a therapist, and that's going pretty well. His name is Jeffry. I see him every-other week, and I have an appointment tomorrow morning. We have a few things to talk about this time. I mean, this anniversary, for one thing. But also… something happened with my friend Tris.
"You don't know her, but she's the surrogate who is going to have our baby for me. She did an embryo transplant like a week and a half ago, and tomorrow we find out if it implanted. She's easy to get along with, and we've become friends, which is nice. Last week she moved into a new apartment, and I was hanging out with her and accidently… I called her by your name. It didn't mean anything. I was just distracted. I didn't think she was you or anything. I just… It was dumb, and I made it awkward by running away. Now I've been avoiding her for the last week.
"I think it was weird for her, too. She tried to act like it was no big deal, but she hasn't called or emailed me at all in the last week either. I don't know. I'm hoping Jeffry can help me sort through it.
"I… I like her, Lauren. I like her like I liked you back in high school, and it scares the shit out of me! It's too soon for this. And she's our surrogate. We have to have this professional relationship for the next nine months or so. Liking her makes it all kinds of awkward. And what would your parents say? And Zeke and Shauna? When I told them about the baby, Zeke gave me a black eye! And Shauna cried! All because they thought I was dating and knocked up some chick I was seeing! Ahh! It was… It's awful, Lauren! I miss you so much. I miss having someone who is my person - my partner. I… I miss sex. There, I said it. I miss sex. I also miss having someone to talk to about my day, and share meals with, and… and I'm just not good at being alone!
"And Tris is so… Well, she's not like you, but she is. She's little, and blonde, but she's sweet like you. She's nurturing, and supportive, and a good listener. It turns out she's friends with Uri - they went to college together - so that was funny. She has a great sense of humor, and we like the same movies and stuff. She's… she's been through some stuff too. She lost her family tragically, and her first husband - it's complicated. He wasn't really her husband, but she thought he was, and he took everything she had. But she's stubborn, and she just keeps putting one foot in front of the other and is working her way out of the mess he left her.
"I… I really admire her strength, and her courage. Most days I feel like I'm drowning without you. She lost more than I did, really. At least I can remember you for the wonderful person you were. When Tris thinks about her ex, all she can see is that he was playing her. My memories are clean - hers are dirtied. I lost you - she lost him, though I say 'good riddance.' I have the house, the life insurance, and all of that to start going forward - she has nothing but a mountain of debt. But she keeps going. She keeps working, and fighting. The surrogacy money will help her a lot, but she says that restoring a family is even more valuable to her. She called it 'poetic justice,' and I like that.
"I just… She's an amazing friend, and I need her. She reminds me that I can keep going in life. She helps me so much, and she doesn't even know it. She gives me hope, and someone who can be my person. She's the first new, hopeful thing to happen to me since you died. She's the first friend I've made who didn't know you. It's oddly healing. It's also horribly guilt-inducing. I just… you can't be replaced. And if I start dating again - if I remarry someday - will I always be wondering which of you I would choose? Which of you I like more? How do I do that?
"So yeah, I've been keeping my distance. I don't know. I keep thinking that a few days apart will help me sort it out. But to be honest, there's something else you have in common; being apart just makes me miss you more - both of you. I miss her."
Eventually, Tobias ended his cathartic monologue, said goodbye to Lauren, and made his way to the restaurant where his in-laws were waiting. Midway through their late breakfast, he got a text from Tris.
T: Tobias, I'm sorry to bother you at work. Something happened. I think the transplant failed. I don't know what to do. I'm so sorry.