VIII
And love, it never happens like you think it really should
It's been four days.
She hasn't seen Luke since he came looking for refuge after his parents appeared and she misses him, horribly so. It's not like he's completely off the grid because they still text everyday but it's not the same, not even remotely close.
She misses him so much she now sleeps in the maroon Henley he once left in her home and she never returned because she wanted something of his. Now when she goes to sleep she inhales to see if she can catch his scent.
In all honesty she feels like a lovesick fool but she can't help it, now that she has come to terms with her feelings she just wants to be with him and tell him how much she loves him.
Also, now that she has comes to terms with everything she also wants to fuck him. Thinking about him doesn't do the trick anymore and anyways, she wants Luke, she loves Luke, it's time to put that hot body to good use.
Well, that last bit is what Carrie says when she video calls her friend to get some help when picking out her outfit because Luke invited her to a Sunset Curve performance and she has her mind set: she's going to enjoy the performance and then she's going to tell him that she loves him.
(Then she's going to put him on his knees and give him something to believe in.
Damnit, Carrie is getting to her.)
"I'm just saying! You waited too long to have sex with him! Like, I'm in awe of your self-restraint." Says her friend, who is about to wrap her tour and soon she'll be able to give Julie one hug and all the inappropriate comments won't be transmitted from a screen and instead will be delivered face to face. "Are you sure you want your lingerie to be purple? Red is a safer option."
"I like purple, I'm comfortable in it. And Luke says he didn't think much of the color until he saw it against my skin and decided now it was his favorite." Julie explains, before showing her friend all her clothing options that lay on the bed.
"Are you sure this guy is even real? Who says shit like that? I swear to god if one of my Tinder hookups ever says something like that to me I'm deleting the app." Her friend adds but Julie knows better, Carrie loves her Tinder hookups too much. "Why aren't there any dresses in the options?"
"Because I'm a present and he needs to undress me slowly. I learned that from you, by the way." Julie says, laughing at the way her friend beams with pride as if she's never been prouder.
"I taught you well my young padawan." Her friend answers before pointing to the outfit Julie liked the most. "Are you excited? Because I'm very excited for you, not only because of the sex but because of how you feel about Luke. It's great to hear you this happy."
"Yes, I'm excited, I'm actually very excited." Julie says, arranging her phone so that Carrie can see her wearing the outfit they chose. Her friend squeals in response and she hopes Luke's reaction is as good as that one. "I just wish you were here, this would've been much fun without having to rely on Wi-Fi and our phones."
"Don't mope, please. We got you ready for your date and even if it sucks that I'm not there you are ready. Please have fun tonight and then tell me the dirty deets, deal?" Julie narrows her eyes and shakes her head at her friend, even Carlos seems to know that Carrie is being delusional.
"If that helps you sleep at night, then yeah we have a deal. Thank you for helping me, can't wait to see you soon." She bids goodbye to her friend before checking everything is in her purse, putting Carlos in the bathroom and shooting Luke a quick text to let him know she's on her way.
She feels a little bit anxious on the walk to meet him and the guys, all the feelings and the missing him she experienced this week mixing into a cocktail that makes her feel a little bit jittery. It doesn't help that the butterflies in her stomach appear again and she can't do anything to fight or calm them, because she gets it: this is what loving Luke feels like.
She experiences those feelings until she arrives at Eats & Beats and sees him. Then everything is secondary to the way he reaches out to her and hugs her as tightly as he can.
She loves him so much she might actually combust.
All she can do is cling to him and tell him that she missed him as well, although she doubts the word covers even a quarter of how she actually felt these days without him. When they kiss, she tries to tell him that, to let him know: 'Hey, I love you. You have no idea how much I crave your presence when you're not around.'
But the kiss is cut short and she doubts a kiss can transmit that anyways. Right?
She doesn't answer her own question and instead distracts herself by saying hello to Alex and Reggie. She's genuinely happy to see them as well and even if she's excited for how everything is going to go later, she wants to enjoy the moment with friends.
All that goes to shit the second Luke drops the unexpected bomb that she's supposed to go on stage with them.
He's lucky she loves him, otherwise she might have screamed at him for being such an idiot. Which he is, she wants that very much on the record, but he's a cute idiot with a perfect smile who makes her butterflies go crazy and her insides feel warm. She can only blame her heart and her fuzzy state of mind after a number of days without seeing him as the reason she says yes to his ludicrous idea.
The fact that he compliments her like there's no tomorrow doesn't seal the deal for her, she knew she'd be unable to say no to him the second he pleaded and used those puppy eyes on her, but it doesn't hurt to hear how highly he thinks of her.
"I see who I need to use next time I want to see you onstage." Says Caleb when he approaches to collect the empty shot glasses. Julie is such a lovesick fool this second she can't even send a stink eye his way but she manages to sass him anyways.
"Don't push it. If I don't hear you clapping the loudest I will never set foot on this place again." She says to Caleb, before her boyfriend nods to the backstage area, where they will practice for a little bit before performing.
"Keep your empty threats and break a leg!" He shouts as she walks with the boys to the backstage area.
Once there everything goes by very fast. Luke shows her the arrangements he made with the boys and how they especially wanted to highlight her talents by starting out with the keys and nothing else. She feels flattered and incredibly grateful that despite dropping the surprise on her less than an hour before they are supposed to go on stage, he actually took her into consideration.
No, scratch that. He didn't just take her into consideration.
He actually built an entire performance around her.
Luke Patterson, music enthusiast extraordinaire, musician at heart and soul, person who lives and breathes music, did everything in his power to give her the spotlight, to make her the focus of attention. He literally gave her his band and became the supporting act to her persona. Heck, they even used her name for the band.
If that's not love then she doesn't know what is.
That's what goes through her brain as she uses all her strength to pull him aside and steal a kiss from him. Bodies completely pressed together, she decides to give in and show him a little sneak peak of what's going to happen later. She didn't truly get to convey how much she missed him with the other kiss but with this one she makes sure he doesn't even doubt what's on her mind.
She can feel him between her legs so she bites his lip and breaks the kiss before it's too much. But it's still too much because Luke seems unresponsive so it's up to her to grab his hand and guide him to the side of the stage before getting up there and sitting in front of the keyboard.
"We are Julie and the gods and this is 'Finally free'. Enjoy!" She says before letting her hands start playing the starting notes.
Unlike other times, she doesn't feel nervous about performing even if that's the logical thing to feel because she's playing a song she hasn't had time to really practice. But she's the opposite of nervous, she's actually excited to sing the song she and Luke wrote together. It means so much to her to be able to share it with the audience but also to perform with him and their friends.
Yeah, Luke knew what he was doing. He knew that this was going to be an incredible moment and she would have a blast despite it being a huge surprise.
Fuck, she loves him too much.
She loves him so much that performing together on stage feels like the most natural thing to do. The way their voices harmonize and complement each other perfectly, the way they move on stage, the looks they share with each other…But nothing compares to sharing the mic and singing to him 'And you're a part of me'. Because she means it, she probably has not meant anything like those words she just sung to him.
He will forever be a part of her. She doesn't even need to meditate on those words to completely accept them as the truth.
She's elated and her previous nerves and jitters turn into excitement mixed with pure and utter happiness after the performance. That's why, the second she sees an opening, she dives into Luke without even questioning without trying to restrain herself.
She's all in.
The warmness she felt inside now has taken the form of a full on fire. She feels hot and not necessarily because she's horny (which se very much is) but because this is what loving Luke feels like: there's a fire that started the night they met and all this time the flames were there to warm her insides but her feelings have added fuel to the fire and she feels as she's about to be consumed by them. No, not just her, they will be consumed by the fire. A fire he started when he lit a match with the intensity and power of his stare, a fire she kept alive with her own happiness and now she's letting go wild because there's no point in pretending like they don't burn for each other.
She was wrong when she thought Luke was a wildfire, because it turns out it's their love that's the wildfire.
She's pretty sure they are incapable of separating themselves right now, not even to breathe. Both are enjoying the situation too much to preoccupy themselves with something as unnecessary as air. Right now she doesn't need oxygen, she needs Luke's big arms keeping her close, letting her enjoy the way he feels, she needs Luke's lips and tongue doing exactly what they are doing right this second. Well, actually she needs those on other body parts but she doesn't get to voice that out loud because they are interrupted.
She's not really mad about the interruption because she knows all this sexual energy will just accumulate itself in her body until she's able to let it out. She actually kind of likes the wait; it makes her think that when they finally leave the venue she's going to be rewarded with mind blowing sex.
Luke, however, definitely needs a minute so she takes the lead and agrees to the plan, following the boys back to the bar where Caleb is seemingly waiting for her with a big proud smile on his lips.
"You never cease to amaze me kid, that was really something else." He says to her after she orders water, to calm herself a little bit even if she knows it won't do anything to cool her down. "That band of yours is really something."
"They're not my band." She doesn't really know what she should actually answer because her brain is still fuzzy so she simply goes with the truth, something Caleb is not bothered with.
"Really? 'Cause it felt like a band to me. I'm pretty sure everyone in the audience will agree." He answers before adding with a little bit of melancholy: "Your mother would've loved it."
She can't help but smile, because she knows that much is true; Rose would've been the biggest cheerleader in the audience that night. Right now she'd be gushing about them and giving them pointers, if needed, but in general she simply would just voice how proud she'd be over the performance.
She also feels proud of herself. She feels proud of her boys.
So, after thanking Caleb she joins them in a booth and voices her thoughts out loud, because they also deserve praise and she's pretty sure she's never complimented them without Luke being present.
"I want to thank you for inviting me to play with you. I know it was Luke's idea but you didn't have to agree with it and for that I'm thankful." She starts saying, alternating her eyes between Alex and Reggie so that they know she's talking to both of them. "You are incredible musicians and I feel honored to have shared the stage with you. I also feel honored to call you my friends."
For a second no one says anything and she wonders if she went too far or if they don't consider her a friend at all.
"We also feel honored to consider you a friend Julie." Says Alex, smiling at her in a way she feels reassuring despite the fact that his tone reminds her too much of the one Caleb had when speaking of her mother.
"You also should know that the one who slayed on stage was you." Says Reggie in his usual happy tone, making her forget about Alex's. "But we take the compliment."
She smiles in response, almost beaming at them because she feels incredibly fortunate to have them in her life. She feels as if she loves them as well, not in the same way she does Luke but definitely in the same way she loves Carrie.
They are part of her family now.
She loves that thought.
Somehow, she's able to behave normally once Luke comes back and instead of pushing his buttons or teasing him all she does is let her horniness simmer. Not forgetting about her plan but simply waiting until the second they are alone.
Because when they are alone she doesn't hesitate to go for what she wants, she's waited too much and she wants him and she's not going to hold back, not when he responds eagerly to her actions. When his arms surround her, raising her and walking towards her kitchen she feels as if she can come right then and there. She's so turned on that she forgets that she wants him to undress her and instead she takes the crop top all by herself, throwing it somewhere before deciding to go for his neck.
She wants to toss his cutoff out and it's about to do so when suddenly he separates himself from her and takes a couple of steps back. She can't even do anything other than contain a whimper because she doesn't want to sound too desperate, so she takes a moment to catch her breath; something that comes in handy because the second she listens to what he's saying she ends up feeling light headed.
"I'm sorry. I can't do this." He says and her head immediately starts spinning.
What is going on?
What does he mean he can't do this?
Oh my god, is she forcing him to do something he doesn't want?
But that's not the case, not only because she felt his reaction and his eagerness, but because he confirms that he actually enjoyed what was going on. He confirms that but refuses to provide an explanation as to why they can't continue.
(She's not proud about the fact that her eyes immediately fly to his crotch. There's no denying he's hard so that explanation is not the way to go.)
She doesn't understand what's happening. She's frustrated and not in the right mind to process what's actually happening because this is not the way things were supposed to go. They are supposed to be having an incredible passionate night that culminates in amazing orgasms and the declaration of feelings. She's not supposed to explain to Luke that she actually values a sexual part of a relationship before he starts to cry.
She doesn't even have time to demand for more explanations because he leaves. He leaves so quickly she doesn't have time to protest, to shout his name in hopes that he stays and they can find a solution. She doesn't want him to leave, she doesn't want to be left there with a scrambled brain and a weeping heart.
Why is he doing this to her?
Doesn't he love her as much as she loves him?
Can't they talk and try to solve things?
Why is he doing this to them?
Is there even a 'them' after what just happened?
All those questions rush through Julie's mind as she steps down from the counter and walks toward the bathroom to let Carlos free. Her pet doesn't seem to realize that a catastrophe has happened while he wasn't watching, but he does seem to realize that Julie's started to cry before she herself does, because once she picks him up and he starts licking her cheeks is when she realizes all the tears she's shed since Luke disappeared without an explanation.
She lets Carlos go, still unsure of what just happened and trying to calm herself by taking deep breaths, the same technique Dr. Turner taught her once her mom died. It helps her feel a little by less lightheaded but it doesn't do much to help her grasp the fact that her relationship with Luke seems to be over.
Her head is pounding and even with the deep breaths help it's not enough to help her feel more centered. All the horniness has left her body and now she feels exhausted. She needs to go to bed and try to get some rest before even beginning to try to process everything. She looks for his maroon Henley, feeling a little pathetic by her choice of pajamas because she shouldn't look for comfort on something that was once owned by the man she's pretty sure just broke up with her.
The man she planned on telling she loved him tonight.
For a second she just sits on her bed, trying to untangle the mess that was the prior ten minutes but her phone lights up with a notification of the security app she has for the sake of the store, informing her of a movement downstairs.
Right. Luke was supposed to leave but he can't unless she opens the door for him.
She sighs and walks down the stairs, without trying to hide her very obvious wrecked state. There's nothing to hide. She wants him to know exactly what she's feeling, she wants him to see this is something he caused and wasn't even able to give him a proper explanation.
She's not even mad or doing it for the sake of making him feel bad. This isn't some sort of revenge or something like that; she just feels confused and sad, but after reaching the end of the stairwell and taking one look at him she becomes even more confused, because Luke…
He doesn't look like himself.
Luke has always seemed so big, larger than life in so many ways. Luke has always behaved like he's a god and now, seeing him so small and vulnerable… Julie can't take it. She doesn't even listen to his rambling because all her strength is focused on examining him and taking the sight of the man he loves being completely down on his knees.
And he isn't even begging for forgiveness, he's just asking for her to share a bed with him.
This is his way of saying goodbye.
There isn't a 'them' anymore.
He's definitely breaking up with her.
She knows she shouldn't say yes to him, she knows if she does he won't argue or disrespect her decision. He will stand up and leave. But she can't bring herself to deny him, even if the last thing she should be doing right now is accepting to share the bed with him. Why is she doing this to herself?
Instead of agreeing, she should be telling him to leave or at least trying to get an explanation out of him, especially because there are things she deserves to know, but instead of doing any of that she simply goes back to bed and takes her side, even if her thoughts beg her to curl on top of him. That would be too much for the state she's in; she's too tired, too confused, too angry and too in love with him to even try and be closer to him.
So she stays on her side of the bed and tries to act like this is a normal thing to do with someone you love and just broke up with you without an explanation.
She closes her eyes and tries to pretend this is a sick nightmare and when she wakes up everything is going to be back to normal.
When she wakes up with only Carlos curling on her chest she lets herself believe that everything really happened.
That's when she begins to cry and doesn't really stop.