When I woke up, Rafe was still sound asleep. It was 8:00 in the morning, meaning I had to eat breakfast before heading to class. I looked back at him. He was hugging the blanket that I was sleeping in. Cute, cute Rafe. My boyfriend. I finally had a boyfriend. It shouldn't have felt different than getting Cindy as a girlfriend, but I felt more wholesome, looking at him sleep, like my heart was standing in front of a fireplace.

As I was heading to the cafeteria, I thought back to the way his back cuddled into my torso. How it felt when I touched him. Warm, smooth and tender. The kind of feeling I could get addicted to. December the First. I thought. I would never, ever forget that date. I smiled at myself, and throughout the day, I couldn't stop thinking about him. Rafe, my Rafe.

In the cafeteria, I avoided Steve and Zack to sit alone, and gather my thoughts. There were still my parents to deal with. I thought. Not to mention them. I looked at Steve and Zack in the far side of the cafeteria, unaware of their observer. I went to my first class for the day after that, feeling joyful as I imagined his body, and excited to see him once again.

After Math class, I went to the library to read up on some more philosophy. As I was in the middle of reading, my eyes were suddenly blinded. I tensed up. What happened? Who is that? The pair of hands pulled back, and when I turned around, there was Rafe. Sweet Rafe.

"Surprise!" he whispered. I probably looked stupid with my glasses, but I didn't mind. I smiled at him. He looked so cute in his usual jacket.

"Hey, what's up?" I continued to eye him up, a dimple appearing on my cheek as I grinned widely.

"Not much." He replied, "Had some free time, so I had to come and see my favorite guy."

"That's so nice." I said. I looked around, and whispered: "Listen, we can't let anyone know we're together, alright?"

He frowned. "Why?" he asked.

"I don't really trust anyone." I said. "I'm worried that they might tell the team."

"Ben, I can't be with someone that isn't willing to love me, I don't know, openly."

"I already told you. Steve and Zack would tear us apart!" I raised my voiced a bit, careful to not let anyone hear us.

"I've been with three guys, Ben. None of them were willing to hold my hand in public or dance in prom. I don't want to hide myself with you anymore, Ben. I thought you were different." He said, almost speaking in a normal volume.

"I just… can't think of telling them. I don't wanna…" I looked away from him, feeling ashamed. Ashamed.

"You're ashamed of me." He blurted out. "You're ashamed of being with me." I could feel his tears forming in his eyes.

"N-no, it's not…" Before I could finish, he stormed out of the library.

I screwed it up. Fuck. Why me? I looked back at my philosophy textbook. The words began to blend together. Everything looked blurry and I felt light headed. I sat there, frozen. Then, I looked around. The library was empty. Like my heart.

It all felt like a dream. A nightmare. My heart pounced on my chest while my windpipe closed up. I felt disorientated. The room began to spin. Was Colorado all but a dream?

You shouldn't blame yourself, Ben. He walked out on you. I thought to myself.

No. I need him. I closed my textbook, and stood up. My legs felt like jelly. I felt defeated.

I can do this. I will just apologize to him. I grabbed my textbook, took a deep breathe, and ran towards his dorm. Through the maze of hallways and corridors, I thought of what to say. Nothing came up. And as I arrived at his floor, I slightly panicked, not knowing what to say.

I reached his door, panting. I knocked, trying to act calmer. Albie opened the door.

"Hey." I said to him.

"Hey, Ben. Rafe is in chemistry class, I think." Albie said.

"Thanks."

Does he know? Weird.

I went back to my room, and thousands of sentences raced through my mind. I attempted to rehearse some sort of apology that made sense, but nothing came out of me. I looked out the window for some relief.

The sky was grey, and the trees were leafless and dead. My nervousness dropped to a depression.

I screwed it up. I told myself. I shouldn't have told him. Why did I tell him that? Why did I stagger from his answer? I left those questions in my head, and went for the vodka directly. The alcohol tasted bitter, burning my throat and leaving a warm tingling sensation in my oral cavity. The pain felt good.

I laid down on my bed, in a fetal position. I lost him, just like how I lost Bryce. Just like how I lost Cindy. I rolled over to look to at Bryce's bed. Rafe's bed, now. I could remember him sitting there, drinking plastic screwdrivers, telling me fun stories from his hometown, staying with me when I studied. How he would roll over constantly, waking me up in the middle of the night, or how he had smooched me before we fell asleep yesterday. I felt so lonely. So, very lonely. Rafe made me feel like myself once again, and losing him, was just like losing me.

The day zoomed by. I never saw Rafe for the day again. He's avoiding me. I thought. The more I thought of him, the more I regretted the conversation. Regret piles up like cholesterol. The more you regret, the more your heart hurts. The night was snowy and rainy. It was unusual for Massachusetts to snow this early, but the sleet had helped me cover up my thoughts. The moonlight peered through my room's window, dimly lighting up the carpeted floor along with the orange light going through the door. I began to cry quietly, barely getting five hours of sleep before seeing sunlight shine through my eyelids.

When I woke up, it was 8:01. I quickly prepared myself, changing into something less depressed, and ran out to the hallway, zooming through a few tired schoolmates before arriving at Rafe's room. My heart began to bounce around my body. It took every fiber of my being to knock. And after that, Rafe opened up, looking at me blankly, before attempting to slam the door shut.

"Rafe, please." I begged him, holding the door open.

"Come back when you're ready." He pushed back, but my strength won.

"What do you want me to do? Kiss you in the center of the quad? Parade ourselves through the cafeteria at lunch?"

He looked left and right of me, before letting me in. Albie wasn't in the room.

"I'm sorry. I just…" He said, stammering along with his words. "I just wanted to feel like myself again." He grabbed my wrist, fondling my bare forearm. We sat opposite on each other on the two desks.

"I guess I should've asked first." I said to him. "I didn't want to risk gaining Steve and the guys as an enemy."

"You're always thinking about what others would say about you." Rafe said to me. "What happened to the Ben that shouted to Zack in the shower? The Ben that stood with his principles, not copping out for some shitty reason?" He grabbed both of my arms. "Ben, I love you. But I don't wanna love someone that can't think of himself."

"I-I..." He sighed.

"Just, go. I need to think about this." He said.

"Sorry." I walked out, disappointed in myself. Everything he said was true. I'd always thought of how my father would react. How my friends would react. How everyone else would react, everyone but me.

On Thursday afternoon, I lied down on my bed, unwilling to move. I felt like stone. Cold, crumbling and being pushed over. I had already skipped practice after school in Wednesday, and practice had already ended. I had skipped it for the first time, in forever. I looked over at the time. 3:15. Then, I heard a knock. I looked to the door, waiting for a voice.

"Ben?" Coach Donnelly said. "Are you in there?"

I got up, and opened the door. I looked like a mess, so Donnelly looked shocked when he saw me.

"What happened to you? Are you sick?"

"I-I…" I said, "I can't do it." I said, sitting on my desk chair.

"Can't do what?"

"Everything. It's too much. Everyone, my parents, the team, my friends, everyone wants me to be something different. I just can't do it. I just wanna be Ben." Then I thought, who really am I, though?

Donnelly looked around my room, which was a total mess. "I'm reminded of the great philosophical debate about a tree falling in the forest," he said.

"Yeah?" I looked up at him.

He smiled, like he was happy to have an audience. "You see, a tree fell in the forest. And then, well, nobody was there to hear it. So, the question is, did it fall?"

"Yes," I said. I didn't have the patience to humor him.

"Ah, but how do you know?"

"Because you just told me. A tree fell in the forest."

"But no one was there to hear it," he said.

"So how did you know it happened?" I asked.

"I don't," He went on. "I might be making it up. That's the thing, Carver. All you gotta remember is, don't believe everything you hear. Maybe somewhere along the way, you believed something that wasn't true. You bought into it, and now it's yours. That's all I'm trying to say to you."

I thought of what he said. "Thanks." I replied.

"You're welcome." He said, heading out to the doorway. "And don't miss any more of baseball practice, or you'll be out of the team, alright?"

I nodded. And as he left me alone, I went back to my bed.

My dad's voice was loud in my head as I lay there in bed, revisiting my problem again and again. Don't embarrass me, Ben. Stop being so lazy. You're sitting on your ass, wasting your time thinking about a bunch of foolishness. You're being stupid and lazy. Buck up and get to work. We're Carver men. We work. We work hard. All my life. All my life I'd heard these voices, and I'd heeded them. I'd railed against myself, again and again. You're stupid. You're lazy.

Then, I heard: "Maybe you bought into something, and now it's yours."

He was right. Coach Donnelly, being correct. Impossible, but it happened.

My father was correct, as well. I'm a Carver. What's good sitting around?

I thought of what to do. Rafe was avoiding me. I couldn't just run to him and confront him.

I was such a coward. I thought. Regret began to clot up my heart again. What if I hadn't told him to keep it a secret? What if I wasn't such a wuss? What if I just kissed him in the middle of the quad?

This funny, murky feeling had invaded my head. What if what I'd bought, I'd bought from my dad? What if the biggest purchase I'd made in my life was a soundtrack of negative thoughts about myself that I'd played non-stop? And what if it was, indeed, now mine?

I headed out, and attempted to find Rafe. The library, his room, the bathroom, the hallways. I knew his schedule, and he didn't have a class now. Why are you avoiding me? I wanted to ask. I felt a pang of nervousness, before disappointingly returning to my dorms.

I went sit to my desk, getting a cold bottle of Gatorade to drink.There was nothing to do but move on. Maybe I could have a plan on Saturday. But without Rafe in my sights, I had nothing. I took out my calculus textbook, and began to study it.

There is nothing I can do today. Saturday. Saturday will be it.

Continuing the train of thought, I remembered the time when we were on the ski lift. Lean forward, and don't lean back. Rafe said. Lean forward down the mountain. Lean into your challenges. And Don't. Lean. Back.