Everything was white.
The ceiling, the walls, the sheets, the curtains, the pillows.
It had only been one day since Asuka woke up in a hospital and she was already sick of it. Truly, it was peaceful. White itself should be a peaceful colour. But nothing about hospitals made her serene or calm. There was despair in every corridor and the cries of lamenting sick people.
The end of dreams. The end of lives.
Her sense of time sharpened as she was aware of every minute she passed in that bed.
It had been half an hour since Asuka asked a nurse which hospital she was in. To her surprise, it was the same one her grandmother was staying.
It was also a relief. She wanted to meet her. For sure, someone already told the old woman about the news of Asuka's accident and the girl knew that her grandmother was worried sick. She was the one who basically raised her.
When the nurse came back for the food tray, Asuka asked if she could see her grandmother. With a sympathetic nod, the nurse offered to accompany the girl..
"Can I?" Asuka asked after she knocked on her grandmother's room door.
The old woman's face lit up with the sight of Asuka. Promptly she called the teen to sit next to her.
"How are you feeling?"
That was the first question.
"Actually, never been better."
Her words were truthful. If it wasn't from the uneasiness of the hospital walls, Asuka would be in the best state of mind she had ever been.
"If anything, this experience cleared my mind."
The old woman's lips formed a worried straight line.
"What happened. How did it happen?"
When Asuka sat next to her grandmother's bedside, she immediately reached for her hand. Every time there was a touch, her grandmother's hands were colder and more fragile than the last. However, her aspet hadn't changed too much. It was also a bad sign.
"I wanted to swim, grandma. I actually wanted to swim."
Asuka smiled.
"Clearly, that isn't an option. My body can't take it."
Her old woman gripped the teens hand tightly as her voice got sadder.
"I hope you at least learned something from this. Also," the old woman paused to stare at Asuka straight in the eyes. "Don't ever repeat it. You're gonna give this old lady a heart attack."
Both laughed without much energy.
Asuka almost drowned and it shouldn't have left her in such a good mood, but so many things were clear. Her mind was dark, a space she got lost in. Finally, like sunshine reached the bottom of the ocean, Asuka could see a clear path ahead.
"I picked it, grandma."
The lady grew a quizzical look.
"I picked a career to follow."
Asuka sat up straight, revived from her slump of many years.
"To train and help swimmers grow. I want to help people reach the dream that I couldn't."
Emotions rose in the old woman's eyes. Even though her granddaughter's eyes were still cold and lifeless as steel, her words were hopeful. Her voice was cheerful and proud.
"Can I count on my grandmother's support?"
"Of course you can. You always can. Forever."
She shifted in her sheets and stretched her arms to Asuka. Without another word, Asuka fell into the woman's thin arms and hugged her back.
In that embrace she found the confort and the resolution to move forward. The blessing she needed. The glue that held all her pieces together.
Many of her friends had visited. Most of them were waiting for her to wake up from her slumber. Rin was the first face she saw after the doctors. And then, a swarm of friendly faces surrounded her bed when they were given permission. Throughout those two days, her room filled up with flowers and "get well soon" cards. A few months ago, she would've never believed the scenario. She would never believe anyone would care about her health.
Why would they?
Despite that, Asuka smiles with warmth in her chest.
After another day of rest, Asuka was discharged and allowed to return home. No need to mention her summer trip with her classmates was over for her and that her participation in the training camp with the volleyball team was still in discussion. No one needed to remind her to call teacher Takeda and assure him she was back to top shape by next week.
As Asuka zipped her bag closed, the same bag her teachers brought from the inn for her, there was a knock on the door. Rin's alluring smile came to bright up her whole world. It made it impossible for Asuka not to smile back.
"Are you ready to go home?" Rin asked as he approached Asuka.
"Please, let's leave this place already." she pleaded.
Asuka leaned on to him. Her arms around his torso and her face deep in his chest.
"Thank you for being real."
Rin scoffed.
"What are you saying?"
The girl prompted her chin on his large chest. His shoulders dropped as his hands cupped her face, he relaxed under her touch. Rin leaned down to place a long kiss on Asuka's forehead. Her whole self wished that he kissed her lips instead.
"Are you ready to go home?" he whispered.
Asuka nodded as she freed Rin from her embrace. When she picked up her bag, she was suddenly hit with the urge to mess up with the boy who stood behind her. As payback for not kissing her properly. Especially after she almost drowned.
"Want to know something?" she hummed. Rin glanced at her with curiosity. "I'm jealous of you."
"Huh? Why?"
"Your partner is way hotter than mine." Asuka casually spoke as she passed by him on the way to the exit.
"Wait but-" Rin paused to process. "But we are datin-'' he stopped himself again. "Aren't we? Come back here you little-!"
As she peeked over her shoulder, Rin had the cutest most flustered look on his face she had ever laid her eyes on.
Without another word, Asuka stepped back and pulled Rin's t-shirt to herself which made him lean downwards. The perfect height for her lips to reach his. Immediately, Rin kissed her back and led his hand to her cheek. Their hearts fastened in their chests with the sparks and butterflies. They clinged onto each other, none of them wanting to let go first, however, eventually, they almost ran out of breath and had to separate. Rin rubbed his forehead against hers.
"You're very cheeky, you know that?" he said in a breathy voice.
"And you're adorable."
The flush on his cheeks made Asuka want to kiss him again. But it had to be in any other place than that hospital room.
With RIn by her side, Asuka has no tears on her mind. And he accompanied her all the way home, being silly together on the train, people gave them a few looks. Rin blushed, but Asuka's bright smile made him enjoy himself, despite the side-glances. With so many years gone and wasted, they had to pick up the pieces and rebuild what they once had together.
It might have only been for one hour, but they felt like kids again.
The bells rang, signaling the beginning of their lunch break. Summer vacation went by too quickly. Asuka's muscles were sore from running around and assisting her club members in the training camp in Tokyo. Glad she was able to join them, Asuka allowed herself to decompress during that week mentally, while working her body.
As usual, Yukiko and Fuyumi kidnap Asuka for lunch break before either the volleyball or swimming club could hog her for themselves. She had yet to recognize how popular she was getting among peers. Although, not only among them.
The corridors were filled with teens passing by in groups to the cafeteria. Some raided classes besides their own to meet with their friends. The usual cheers and joy of seeing each other after summer vacation. Too much shrieking and crying. Asuka awaited patiently until her friends chose a calm spot to have their lunch together, as she tried to subside all the noises from her head.
That state wasn't lonely, it was necessary for her peace of mind. It became a part of her. Ever since the accident in her younger years, she learned how to block the sounds of the whispers and hushed tones.
"Asuka? Can you message Nozomi to tell her we'll be outside today, please?" Yukiko asked in her usual polite manner.
Asuka nodded. In that minute, she had to listen. Not only Yukiko's voice, but the unruly noises around her. Unfortunate timing led to Asuka to catch a whispered conversation from a group standing behind them in the cafeteria line.
"Look at that girl, why is she so slender?"
"Doesn't she look like a slender man? She is way too tall."
"I think I know her. Didn't she used to be a swimmer?"
"She is always hanging out with the swimming team. Always clinging onto Nagisa. She probably just likes the boy's attention. She is also a manager in the boys volleyball team."
"What a whore, seriously. What some girls do to be noticed."
"What was her name again?"
"Hoshino…. something."
Why was she being watched with such scrutiny? She was supposed to get by discreetly. Why were they noticing her?
"Here, I found her instagram."
How could they do that so quickly? Why even bother with someone like her?
Doubts started to fill Asuka's mind.
"It is her alright. Asuka Hoshino, huh? Who does she think she is?"
"She barely has any photos, but has a ton of followers."
"Maybe she bought followers just to seem popular."
"That is just sad."
It got out of hand. Those batty girls had to know Asuka could hear them shrieking. That kind of situation was supposed to stray behind. To end exactly when her swimming dream ended as well. She wasn't a promising swimmer anymore, nothing but a regular student. How is it that people still knew her name, still talked about her, still make up stupid rumours? She never tried to reconstruct her reputation, she shut it all down. Even moved schools. But it goes along with her face.
After she finished writing her message to Nozomi, Asuka kept the phone in the pocket of her skirt. She took advantage of that movement to glare over shoulder. The girls stopped laughing so freely, but kept their tight smiles.
Another shout distracted her.
"Asuka!" Nagisa's booming voice filled her ears.
He jumped towards his friend and grabbed her sleeve.
"You're coming to our swimming meet, right? Right?"
Her timing keeps on working against her.
However, Nagisa's enthusiasm and energy were so contagious, it made Asuka forget about the group of squeaks behind her.
"When is it?" she asked calmly.
"It's still a month and a half away, you don't have to confirm anything now." Makoto appeared, waving off Nagisa's eagerness.
"But she has to clear everything in her agenda for that day!" Nagisa pouted.
"You can't force it if she can't come."
"Count me in." Asuka said with a serene smile.
Nagisa's eyes became shinier as he pumped his fists in the air.
"Thanks." Makoto smiled.
"Thank you for your support." Haru slightly nodded.
"Of course."
In a matter of minutes Asuka forgot all about those gossip girls and the way their whispers pierced her ears. Those were not her matters and as she was standing, none of her business.
However, later that day, more trouble awaited the young woman and she realized that her timing could, indeed, get even worse.
After the supposed hour, as usual, Asuka stands behind professor Takeda as he makes his announcement to the team.
"The fall tournament is closer than we thought. You have little more than a month before your first match!"
She sniffed at that statement. Hopefully, there would be no matches on the day of the swimming meet.
In spite of all her prayings and wishes, she had no such luck. After a few weeks, she was about to find out the first swimming meet would be exactly at the same day of the revenge match, Karasuno vs Aoba Johsai.
All the plans she did, all the tasks and school projects she had, Asuka planned them around that fateful day. At nine in the morning the first races began. At ten thirty started the game between Karasuno and Aoba Johsai. Because of her promise to Nagisa and the compromise to the volleyball club, Asuka planned the perfect route and timetable to be able to attend both.
Not only that, she wanted to cheer for Rin too.
Between her boyfriend and her childhood friend who were competing in the same race, with different ideals for the win and a story that pushes them way back in time, Asuka only hoped, somehow, their friendship could be mended.
Before the start of the meet, Asuka gave Rin a good luck kiss and he promised her the view of a lifetime.
With that, Asuka let Rin join his team and she joined Gou and the Iwatobi cheering section in the bleachers. Only to see the boys lose one by one in each of their races.
And clock speed up.
When it came Rin's and Haru's turn, Asuka's hands trembled on the rail. Gou shared the same bleak expression as Asuka, but the team's manager couldn't hide it quite as well. Her hunched shoulders exposed her true feelings. And Asuka controlled her own body language in each deep breath she forced herself to take.
The whistle blew and echoed and the athletes assumed diving positions. Asuka's darted between Haru and Rin. When the signal to start the race was given, her pupils dilated at the view. No words to describe it. Past memories came rushing in, making her skin crawl.
The astonishing sight of swimming with the thrill of the race. Rin's violence and Haru's peace.
A ring in her ear brought her to the promised land. A sense of calmness that if someone came to grab her soul, she would leave the world with a serene smile. And Asuka wouldn't want anyone to mourn, only for her true closest friends to hold her hand in her dying bed.
The race was over when Rin was the first one to touch the wall. A smile was drawn on Asuka's face until the ring of her phone finally got her attention.
By her side, Gou cheered for her brother, but Asuka wasn't paying attention. Her eyes gazed at the screen on her hand and at the message she received from Yachi.
'The match is about to start. Where are you?'
That wasn't the only message and the screen showed numerous missed calls notifications. The match would start in five minutes and it would take Asuka at least half an hour to reach the gymnasium. Her calculations for the races were wrong after all. Each took longer and were belated more than she could have predicted.
"Gou!" Asuka called. "Tell Rin congratulations. I will call Rin later, but I have to run."
The urgence in her voice gave Gou a worried look. She even tried to reach for Asuka before she jolted out of the bleachers.
It wasn't long before her shoulder started to ache, but Asuka held it with her left arm and continued to force her legs forward. She caught the bus just before it left.
Panting for air, Asuka easily found a seat in the mostly empty bus. Before she even sat down, she reached her phone and called Yachi.
"Asuka? Are you okay?" Yachi's worried voice stuttered in her ear.
"Yes. Everything is fine, don't worry." Asuka huffed.
"The game just started. Aoba Johsai went all out in the first serve!"
"Soon, I'll be there soon. Send notifications of the game meanwhile, please."
"Of course. I'll do my best!"
Asuka smiled at the youngest enthusiasm.
"Same here."
But there was no magic spell she could cast to make the bus move faster or for the traffic to simply disappear. Her heart raced in her chest, even though she had been resting for the last twenty minutes.
The vehicle dragged on the busy road. Leaning on the window, pressing her hand to the glass, Asuka tried to get a peek of the path ahead. The traffic was jammed and an ambulance already passed by them a few minutes prior. The gymnasium was covered by other buildings, so it wasn't visible for Asuka, but she knew the exact location. It wasn't that far.
Like a signal of confirmation, a text made her phone ring.
"Things aren't looking very promising. The first two sets were intense and the third set is starting. But we keep believing!"
Asuka sniffed before she pressed the red button that lightened the "Stop" sign at the front of the bus. After a few minutes, the bus reached the nearest stop and Asuka jumped from the vehicle, the door had barely even opened. She adjusted her backpack so it would only weigh her left shoulder and pushed through the pain.
The promise she made to her clubmates was the only thing keeping her legs moving and rushing down the road. Nothing else invaded her mind at that time. Only that she had to make it there before the game was over.
By the time she reached the gymnasium entrance, Asuka could barely lift the soles of her feet from the ground and her breathing was out of control. She continued to push through, staggering her way to the bleachers. Her bag already fell from her shoulder to her elbow.
The stairs were the worst part of them all.
But finally, Asuka raised her head to the light on the interior. Her eyes narrowed as they adjusted to the new light. The noises of volleyball, the sport she had gotten used to for almost two years. Those sounds invaded her ears along with cheers.
Her lungs burned and her jaw hung open for the air to come in and out exhilarated. The soles of her sneakers crawled on the floor until the palms of her hands hit the cold metal of the rail.
In front of her, she recognized the backs of the black and orange Karasuno uniform. A silence reigned in that match as the opposing team was about to make a serve.
Asuka took a deep breath in, her chest raising. Using the rail as support, she leaned forward as she screamed at the top of her lungs,
"Don't give up! Karasuno!"
Heads turned in her direction. Asuka made her best effort to tug her lips upwards in an encouraging smile.
"Yeah!" the Karasuno team yelled in unison, eager for the last set.
"You are super late!" Tanaka's sister reprimanded Asuka.
"The road was packed and-and the races ended later-" she huffed in response, evading her eyes. "Than expected…"
"It was still in time for the beginning of the third set! No problem!" Yachi beamed.
"And you really gave our boys the incentive they were missing." one of coach Ukai colleagues commented satisfied.
Asuka nodded respectfully.
During the match, her heart pounded faster and harder than her shoulder could burn and ache. Somewhere along her run, her ears started to ring and bother the left side of her head. Maybe even before that. But as the match progressed and the odds got slimmer, the ring in her ears got louder.
The final point, it all summed up to that moment. Hinata jumped over the net height and it was like he was in the air for many seconds. He slammed the ball, it passed the blockers. At the back, the opposite team's captain managed to graze the ball with his arm. He was out of balance and out of reach, since he had just recovered from an ugly fall. His efforts were to no avail as the ball went directly from his arm to the outside skirts of the court.
The cheers were loud and the tears clouded everyone's eyes. The sudden harsh screeching noises were like an attack on Asuka's ringing ear drum. She brought her palm to her left ear to apaciguate the pain as she cheered along her mates.
However, when the match was officially over and the hugs of celebration ended, her phone rang. It was a number she was familiar with, but didn't have it listed on contacts. She didn't need to as she recognized it as being the number of the hospital.
She cupped her chest, where her heart was. The voice on the other side brought an immeasurable amount of pain.
Ever since that phone call, Asuka entered a state of auto-pilot. She's not sure how she got into the hospital's waiting room. She couldn't recall taking the steps or the transportation there. But she sat on the plastic chair of the clean white area. Her parents sat beside her.
With her shoulders hunched and curled over her lap, Asuka stared at the floor. Tears hadn't come to her when she heard it the first time. When the doctor confirmed her suddenly worsening state over the last days until she died restfully, Asuka's eyes were bleaked, a steely, lost gaze. When her mother asked if she could see her one last time, the doctor gave authorization. Asuka had a voice, but she couldn't speak her will to see her grandmother as well. She simply followed her mother's slow pace, clenching to her right aching shoulder. A deadpan face.
It was only upon setting eyes on her grandma, for the last time ever, that the tears came to her.
She looked like she was smiling in her last minutes. Like she always was in life.
Asuka couldn't make her tears stop. The sobs came convulsevily and with no warning.
With shaking hands, she grabbed hold of her grandma's pale hand and left a dear kiss on the back of it.
"Thank you, grandma." she whispered, her face twisted into a smile of pain.
The ugliest smile she ever conjured, her eyes were filled to the brim with tears, brows furrowed. Her lips trembled uncontrollably. But it was all she could manage. She was sure her grandma would want her to smile in their goodbye. That's why she forced herself to do it, even if it was hard.
Then, she had to leave the room. With no other words to say, she had to leave one of the only real people in her life to rest. A clouded vision didn't allow her to avoid a nurse that stumbled across Asuka and hit her shoulder. The sharp sting became impossible to bear as she sniffed harshly at contact.
"I'm very sorry, miss." the nurse apologized with a worried tone. "Are you okay?"
Trembling with a face washed in tears, Asuka was unable to speak. Her shoulder hurt in such a manner, that even trying to cupped and pressuring it only augmented the pain.
"Asuka?" her mother called.
There were no words she could manage. She continued to sob and wail. At the loss of all strength, if she attempted to move from that spot in the corridor, she would stumble and fall. The ring in her ear came back, stronger than before.
In that moment she believed to have lost it all.
Piece by piece, her heart was being destroyed and her mind along with it.
Weather grew colder as weeks passed by. Last time Asuka left the house, there were still remains of summer. However, the leaves crunched with every step and as she clinged to her coat on her day back to school.
Midway, on the road most students took, Asuka looked around. Some students wore the winter uniform already. While others simply threw on a jacket over their summer uniform. Idle conversations around her were worried about the exams that drew closer. Or they shared opinions on new episodes of the shows she used to watch as well. Clubs had projects to plan. The athletes looked forward to their next tournament or chance to shine. Even her kitten, Barclay, wasn't so much of a kitten anymore, but an almost fully grown majestic feline.
To her, the world stopped, but the world continued on without her. And like always, she felt the weight on her shoulders with no more strength to fight loud and proud.
She was very aware of the fact her clock stopped, more than ever. As others marched on, she couldn't help but fall backwards.
"Oh look, it's Hoshino from the class beside ours. They said she hasn't gone to class lately."
An unfortunate whisper Asuka caught in the cold breeze. It didn't stop there.
"Is she thinking of dropping out?"
"I'm not sure, actually. Apparently there's been some drama with her and the swimming club."
"I haven't heard any of that!"
"She's originally in the volleyball club, but she's been helping the swimming club and hangs out with them all the time! She even is seeing a guy from another school that is a swimmer. She might change clubs next year."
"Seriously? That's not cool. Does she have no team player spirit at all?"
"I wouldn't trust her with my club. Doesn't even take her job seriously. And she isn't even an athlete."
Asuka dragged her feet on the concrete, staring at her shoes. The pale blond hair fell on her face when the group of boys passed by. Her face contorted in frustration.
Why were they talking about her? When did her times of peace go? So much to say, but her voice died down. When did the talk start again? While she was gone? Before that?
All the months she spent in the corner, on her lonesome. Living the normal highschool life so she could continue on easily. Even if she was lost, anything was better than others prying on her life. Especially when half of what they said were made up stories that got warped everytime they were told.
How come, an absolute nobody, that had achieved no greatness or caused no trouble, had the undesired spotlight shining on her. She didn't want it anymore. It had been a long time since she wished for it.
As her hand started to shake, Asuka clinged to her right shoulder as instinct.
It didn't stop there. In the classroom. In the corridors. In the cafeteria. During breaks. While changing classes. It didn't stop. The mumbles, the hushed tones, the side glances.
The only option she could think of was to cover her ears as the days went on, but if she tried to raise her arms, the contusion in her shoulder would send sharp waves of pain.
The following day, it was a Tuesday. Either her hearing had gotten better and her eyes sharper, or the people around her lost all sense of shame. Casually pointing to her, whispering her name. She wanted to speak up, but her voice didn't come to her. She wandered off.
They say, the third is the charm. Indeed, the third day, on a Wednesday, was when all was lost.
The bags grew darker and larger under Asuka's eyes. Her movements slowed with every hit and her hair grew dull from the usual golden tones.
"I bet she is one of those that just made up an excuse to skip classes for a few weeks. I wish I had the audacity to do the same, I'm super tired."
Another hit to her breaking figure.
Her voice felt rough in her throat, but at last, she found it.
"Shut up."
It started with a mumble, more like a croak. The whispers continued.
It built up on chest, it went up her throat until it finally exploded.
"Shut your trap already!" Asuka yelled.
Her heart sped up in her chest in pain. Her breaths started to get more and more shallow as she bellowed all her feelings to anyone who had ears. The last straw for Asuka and the beginning of her downfall. The switch was flicked on.
"You like to talk do you?! Why don't you say it to me, then?!" Asuka faces the boy who had been talking. He cringes away from her. "And what are you all looking at? Huh? Is there something you would like to say? Have you all lost your words now?!"
Asuka glared at the crowd around her. Her muscles were tensed as she turned from side to side. Her shots evoked all the anger bottled up in her from a long time ago.
"You think I can't hear you?! You all think I'm deaf as well?! Why can't you just mind your own business? What have I ever done to you?! Why can't you just let me be!"
"Asuka?" a calm voice called out to her.
She jumped in it's direction. She recognized their faces of the boys who stared at her in utter disbelief. One was tall and broad shoulders. The other looked gloomy with dark hair.
"Asuka, calm down." the tall one pleaded.
As he reached out to her, Asuka slapped his hand away.
"Don't touch me!"
When looking into Asuka's teary eyes, the boy was perplexe.
"You have no idea who I am, do you?"
A/N:
I don't normally cry while writing, but I did tear up writing Asuka's goodbye to her grandma. She was such an important person to Asuka and her well-being. And now, Asuka might have reached a point of no return. The drama will continue next chapter. It will pick up right where this one left.
And I literally went from zero motivation to continue this fic to writing two chapters last week. So, on thursday you can expect chapter 9! It's way shorter than this one as well, I must warn you. And yeah, things will just get more angsty from here.
Also, we are nearly reaching the last part of the fic and the last few chapters. I have no idea what to do with Asuka's story after that. There is material to continue on to a sequel, but I would like to know what you guys think. That will probably depend on how it ends, I guess. I have some serious thinking to do about this fic.