I hope you guys are ok. And I hope you're enjoying this fic as much as I'm enjoying writing Shisui and Sasuke's little big moments. Being a crackship/rarepair there isn't much about them, and little domestic moments are pleasant to write as well as everything else. Like heavy angst. Or tension.
(more notes at the end of the chapter)
"Crack a smile and cut your mouth and drown in alcohol" (Soundgarden, Burden In My Hands)
They bought different kinds of food and beverages.
Shisui wanted to buy meat, but Sasuke pointed out that tofu lasted longer; the elder side-eyed him but it wasn't unexpected, for he had noticed that the younger had a hawk but didn't use it to hunt. Besides, he had seen his memories and how, after the massacre, he had stopped eating anything that had a heart and could bleed, as the images of his butchered parents and clansmen would come to his mind.
The boy quickly went back on his decision though, realizing that he couldn't impose such limitations on his older cousin -so strong that his brother looked up to him and much more- and only family.
After all, he hadn't imposed anything on Team Taka when they travelled together.
He had almost forgotten that he wasn't alone now. Just like he had almost forgotten -in the daylight, far from his nightmares with voices reminding him that he was a criminal- that this was supposed to be his journey of atonement.
Shisui went back on his words as well, replying that the younger's idea was more sensible. He didn't deny his craving, but he pointed out that he could eat some right there; he treated Sasuke to a food stand that prepared pretty much anything, telling him to eat to his heart's content, and he ate a lot of grilled meat, and commented that the next time he'd have the same craving they might come back again.
Sasuke liked the idea of returning there in the future.
Shisui liked the way Sasuke's face lightened up when he told him so.
The rainy weather returned, so they flash-stepped to the hideout instead of walking.
They didn't bring up what had happened against that wall, or what had happened when they had slept together to shelter from the cold. Or what had happened earlier, when they had both found physical relief on each other.
Yet the memory of each incident lingered on them.
Like a veil, made of untold words and desires, light and yet persistent on their skin and minds.
Like a curse, as Shisui had defined sex to Itachi.
How ironic that now, after years, after what seemed a completely different life, he was under the same curse for the little brother of his former lover.
How ironic that even back then, at first, he hadn't understood his feelings.
How ironic that, unlike back then, instead of acting he just let his body get closer to the other's, reducing the space between them, he just let his hands touch him without a particular reason, he just let the other do the same.
Like when, as they were putting all the food in the available shelves they realized it wouldn't fit, so they decided to build a bigger storage space using the tools they found, but also their Lightning and Wind release to carve the stone walls. It was easier said than done; to complete the task it took a couple of hours and more than a couple moments of bickering over not doing whatever they were doing right, and when they could admire their work they were sweaty and covered in dust.
When they started putting the stuff in there, their bodies subconsciously gravitated closer and closer, until Shisui was behind Sasuke and their bodies brushed every time they moved, and especially when the younger put something on the upper shelf and to do so he leaned on the elder, who got even closer in return, playfully warning him to not lose his balance but balancing him with his body, and if only the younger turned towards the elder, or the elder turned him, they would have done what they hadn't been able to do against that wall in that square, but they didn't -both being uncertain about what they wanted and even more so about what the other wanted- and when they came back to reason it was too late and the only thing they could do was make a joke about really needing a shower.
And bite their tongues before adding something more.
Shisui had insisted on buying sake; he hadn't drank in ages and he was in dire need of the light, relaxed dizziness that came with booze.
Slightly puzzled, Sasuke had raised an eyebrow but he had accepted, pointing out that it was the elder who was carrying the money anyway.
"I hope it won't make you act weird," he said upon realizing the big quantity the other was purchasing, from different stalls, since he had stopped at most of them, asking sellers everything about their products.
Shisui did really have fun: he had never been to a market with so much money in his hands, he had never been to a market with someone lithe and pouty to drag by the wrist, he had never been free to buy so much alcohol, he had never been free to just roam between stalls, watching sellers and products and other clients alike.
Sasuke did have fun too, although he had bought useful things only.
He had never been to a market with his team; he would always send them, as busy as he was making plans, he had never been to a market, dragged by a muscular man such as his cousin, and he had never been dragged by such enthusiasm over random things, as expected from someone whose whole life purpose had been to serve the clan and the village alike.
He had felt a pang of sadness for his brother, who like the elder hadn't been able to enjoy anything in life -he didn't think about him, even though he hadn't enjoyed anything either, and he had seen himself as a tool for revenge his whole life, until he was called a criminal, unworthy to exist, something he knew already- and he couldn't afford to be overwhelmed by those voices, for he was outside, there were people, he needed to be focused in case something happened. So he had looked at his cousin again, and he had remembered to breathe, and at some moment his cousin had looked back at him and he had felt able to breathe again.
"Acting weird is part of the experience, but, in truth, alcohol doesn't make you do things you don't want...Those who say so are just ashamed to admit their responsibilities".
The elder had smirked.
"But of course, it's not for children".
He had shown the younger a colorful bottle, explaining that he might have kept him company drinking that juice.
"I'm not a child", Sasuke had pouted.
The other had taken it as an admission that he would have drank with him.
And so they did.
Not right after they returned, as they built the shelf first, and they went to sleep early, but the following one, after a good rest and a long shower.
That evening Sasuke prepared a special dish with the new ingredients.
When they finished eating he freed the little low table, Shisui took out a bottle and two little cups, poured the transparent liquid for both and drank it in one gulp.
"Ah, delicious".
He praised, satisfied.
The boy imitated him but his reaction was different; his expression showed that he didn't like it. He was ready to correct it though, so he poured more for both.
Suigetsu and Karin had drank at times but he had never drank with them, for he didn't want to lose focus.
They had acted in a very weird way, and the morning after, when Suigetsu had sneaked out of the girl's room, he and Juugo had pretended to not notice.
"Good boy...that's how it is! Children never like bitter things at first but the more you drink the more you'll like it".
Shisui said, raising his glass.
Sasuke's cheek was slightly pink, for the alcohol.
Maybe also for the weird way he felt as the elder called him 'good boy'.
Bent on giving his young cousin a full-on drinking experience, Shisui told him anecdotes, like his brother's incredible tolerance to alcohol, as well as some embarrassing drunk moments in the Uchiha clan, one even involving his father.
He was about to add that Fugaku would have killed anyone who dared mention that moment but he stopped; it was too easy to get sad when drinking, which, on the contrary, was supposed to make people happy -until the effect ended.
He then started a drinking game, albeit explaining that it was more embarrassing, thus more fun, in big groups.
He was right: making the other sing wasn't even embarrassing, as both weren't particularly bad at it, despite not having the best voices either. Shisui's imitation of an old traditional dance was definitely funny, although he said it would have been better if he had worn a woman's kimono.
Replying to all sorts of questions was another drinking tradition, so the elder explained, adding that they could learn interesting things about each other this way, and, being Sasuke curious about his cousin and the mysterious destiny he had after his attempted suicide, he accepted the challenge.
They both told themselves to not mention what had happened between them at the market or in the woods -and, for Sasuke who remembered, that night in his room.
For some reason both felt that it would have been unfair to bring it up.
When asked about their first kiss, Shisui told that he had been kissed by the daughter of a noble guy he had protected on a mission; he bragged that the girl was pretty and refined and she had specifically sought him after she had been safely escorted to her mansion.
Sasuke mumbled Naruto's name, then he explained what had happened, raising his voice to be heard despite the noise, since the elder couldn't stop laughing at the story, so much that he had his bangs all over his eyes for a while.
Shisui couldn't instantly remember everything he had seen in Sasuke's memories; when he had seen them he had been through his whole life, so he had focused on the most important events, the ones that scarred the younger for years, or forever. When some other memory was mentioned though, he could easily recollect it, like this one, on which he made many jokes, until he got tired and, between playful and sadistic, he informed the other that since it had been accidental it didn't count so he had to mention the next one.
"...Orochimaru".
A moment of silence followed, during which Shisui scolded himself for not recollecting the boy's memories about that, memories that immediately flooded his mind, showing him how his first everything had been with the sannin.
"Was Itachi your first for anything?"
The younger asked, slightly shyly, when it was his turn. Shisui shook his head and joked that his generation had been very precocious, since their childhood had been interrupted by a war in which they took part as well; noticing that the younger seemed a little disappointed, he added that he was honored to have been Itachi's first.
Sasuke looked relieved, because his brother who had suffered so much, had been loved and cherished at some moment in his life; at the same time he looked sad, because he had never experienced that feeling.
Then he got up to take a third bottle. He was having more but his cousin was surprisingly good at drinking, as expected from someone who had been given increasing doses of poisons, to develop a tolerance to them.
As well as drugs; that snake had done many different things to his cousin, Shisui thought, feeling a surge of anger because that man was alive and well, according to the boy's memories, where he had also seen that Sasuke held no grudge against him, and that, in fact, he still considered him a mentor-like figure, not having had a better one.
He had been like this too once, not holding grudges against enemies and opponents; even when he and Itachi had fought against the traitor Mukai Kohinata, who had paralyzed the other and almost strangled him to death, he had been compassionate upon defeating him.
He hadn't had time to feel anything when Root shinobi were sent by Danzo to attack him, nor when he was poisoned by an Aburame. Nor when Danzo himself attacked him and plucked his eye out.
Later, on the contrary, he had a lot of time, and that, too, changed him.
"Didn't it sicken you..to do those things for him?"
He couldn't help but ask.
Recollecting Sasuke's memories he had seen the boy's image in the mirror, he had seen a naive yet impassive looking boy defiled too many times, but he wanted to know from his voice and words how he had felt inside.
Besides, he wanted to stop remembering his own past as well; he had already dodged every question about it.
"In the beginning...it was disgusting..."
Sasuke's voice was barely audible. He looked down, holding the little cup tightly. Then he looked up, straightened his back and spoke louder.
"But I got used to it soon".
He sounded oddly proud, as if for him it was an obstacle he had overcome, a further step towards his goal.
"He was the only one who could make me strong enough…"
The boy added after another sip, as if he saw something in the elder's look, as if he needed to justify himself, but words died in his mouth.
Strong enough to kill his brother, who was in reality protecting him, even though he was worthless, even if he was damaged goods, another thing those voices told him often, adding that only a crazy traitor would whore himself out with Orochimaru.
Shisui understood: letting that pervert do what he wanted with his body hadn't been that hard because Sasuke saw himself as disposable, as a tool, for no matter what disgusting or humiliating task; he also understood that the real disgust came later, upon learning the truth, and it was disgust for himself.
Shisui apologized silently, placing his hand on the boy's shoulder.
It was time to call it a night, as the sake effect was veering towards gloom.
Getting up he realized that his movements were slower than usual, as after so many years he wasn't as used to drinking as in the past. He'd make up for this soon, he thought to himself, remembering how much liquor he had bought.
Following his own thoughts he was going out of the room.
"Wait".
Sasuke called; according to the rules of the game the elder still owed him a reply.
He was right, that's why he wanted to call it a night.
If only the younger hadn't called him back.
If only the younger hadn't gotten up quickly, as if he wanted to stop him from leaving.
If only the younger hadn't done it too quickly, losing his balance because of the sake.
If only he hadn't rushed to grab him by the arms and keep him steady.
"What happened after you jumped off the cliff?"
His cousin asked as they were facing each other. His voice sounded angrier than it should have been, but he wasn't angry, just drunk and confused.
His eyes were wide open, locked in the elder's, despite both having bangs on them, one messy and coarse, one curly and soft. He bit his lip, impatient and confused as he was.
"Why do you want to know?"
Shisui asked in return, his voice angrier that it should have been, even if he wasn't angry, just drunk and cornered. He bit his lip as well, mirroring the other.
"Why can't you just say it?"
Sasuke's tone had lost its sharpness, but he was frustrated, for the other had seen everything about him, while he didn't know anything about him, and it wasn't just a matter of curiosity, for the boy had always respected boundaries. It was deeper.
He wanted to know Shisui, he wanted to know what had happened to him.
He wanted to help him, for it was clear that something was off about him.
"It's not something you need to know".
Shisui spoke in a threatening way, getting dangerously close to the boy, who didn't budge.
How useless to act threatening, as if scaring him would make him stop asking; Shisui knew from his memories that he wouldn't.
In fact he got even closer.
"Why not? You're family..."
There was something in the way he spoke, a naivete that irritated the elder, despite knowing that his cousin didn't have ill intentions.
Maybe he didn't want to believe how easy the boy made it seem to just open up to him.
"So what if we're family?"
He raised his voice and pushed the other against the wall, using more force than it was necessary.
"Shouldn't you listen to your elders and obey when they tell you to shut the hell up then?"
He took a step back and breathed slowly, trying to calm down, not succeeding.
His slower, controlled breathing made him look feral, incredibly dangerous.
This might have been what his enemies saw, Sasuke thought.
"You're not my older brother," Sasuke replied, suddenly defiant, because it was happening again; Itachi hadn't told him the truth thinking that he was too young and weak to face it, and even now, even if he was older and stronger, his cousin wasn't trusting him either.
Once again he wasn't worthy of the truth.
Once again he wasn't worthy of the ones he looked up to.
"Yeah I'm not your brother. But I saw a few things about the way he made you shut up..."
Shisui lowered his voice as he threatened, then he grabbed Sasuke by the throat.
He was being unfair and he knew it, and yet he couldn't stop directing his anger towards someone who wasn't an enemy that had been defeated long since. Or himself.
"What are you afraid...or ashamed of?"
The boy retorted between ragged breaths; the other's grip tightened.
"Maybe I should use tsukuyomi too...just like Itachi did on you..."
Sasuke smirked; he was stronger now, he had Rinnegan, Tsukuyomi wouldn't work on him and both knew it. Shisui punched the boy in the gut in frustration.
"I am strong...I can deal with everything..."
Sasuke muttered, struggling to find air, yet determined to know.
Determined to keep the elder there, with him, no matter how.
"Do you really?" Shisui came dangerously close, his hot breath on Sasuke's ear.
"You're just a kid…"
He whispered, loosening his grip, finally letting his cousin breathe.
"I'm not a kid anymore and you know it...You saw it..."
The younger interrupted, tilting his head.
He was disheveled, pale -except for his drunken colored cheeks- looking fragile, as he hunched against the wall, breathing hard, occasionally coughing.
He reminded the elder of a prey, willingly giving up to his captor.
He should have known from the boy's memories that he had no self-preservation.
Shisui grabbed the boy's shoulder, while with the other hand he swept the boy's long bangs on the side.
Their position wasn't much different from a few days before, in that square, as they were hiding from shinobi and acted like a passionate couple.
The kind of passion was different this time.
Even though both's minds -and hearts and bodies- went back to that moment.
"Well then...as you wish..."
He whispered.
Then he activated his sharingan.
Author's note:
Soo guys next chapter Shisui's story will be explained. Finally huh?
Some explanations of details I wrote in this chapter:
On tumblr I posted some of my sasuke/team taka headcanons. One of these was vegetarian sasuke, briefly mentioned here as well...if you disagree don't tell me lol, it's my headcanon anyway.
Same for the Orosasu reference. I HEADCANON that it happened, and that since Sasuke is goal oriented and sees himself as a tool, didn't get excessively traumatized by it because he saw it as a price to pay.
Databook nerds don't hate me and don't think too much about them using wind and lightning release for carving a shelf thing in stone walls. I assumed it's possible, if it's not I couldn't care less, it's for plot reason lol
Sasuke has daddy issues, kinda. Especially since his real dad didn't give him attention. So when he's praised like this 'good boy' thing, he likes it. A lot.
Shisui saw Sasuke's memories, entirely (not just what Sasuke recorded with sharingan, that's for Itachi's memories) but since it was a whole lifetime he doesn't remember everything he saw, only the strongest events. But he can recall random things if he wants and he's prompted to do so.
Sasuke has been greatly loved by Itachi but not romantically, in this AU, so he doesn't know how it feels to be loved in this way, unlike Shisui.
I had no idea who this Mukai Kohinata person was, when I looked at the Shisui wiki for something, I read that he was compassionate and it showed with this Kohinata guy in the Itachi Shinden book, which inspired me to write that little part.
Shisui has his own past big trauma...which makes him act weird at times. You'll see. So, asking about Sasuke's private stuff is a way to not think about himself.
I headcanon Sasuke's hair to be thick and kinda 'coarse' (I'm not a native english speaker so I'm not really sure), not totally soft unlike Itachi and Shisui. The kind of hair that remains messy and defies gravity, in short.
Shisui being threatening is a reference to the inn scene, but you guys know.