Weeks began flying by. Elena read everything she could get her hands on about raising a child to feel slightly more prepared. She continued practicing yoga each day, usually enjoying it best in the afternoon sun. Bobby was busy most days, between helping hunters via phone consultations and continuing to work on vehicles.

"Gotta keep the lights on somehow," he joked.

Elena noticed that after dinner, he and Cas would spend a few hours in the library. She did her best to pretend it wasn't happening, knowing what they were working on, and instead busied herself with some hobbies. It was practically the only time Cas wasn't within a few feet of her, and as much as she enjoyed spending time with him, she was grateful for the almost-alone time. She had learned to knit and would spend the time making baby clothes and blankets while watching TV and talking with Sam on the phone for their nightly call. Dean would chat with her a couple times a week during the calls, which always proved to be entertaining. Sam and Dean would stop by every few weeks, usually when they were nearby between cases. Each time they were in town, Sam would do an ultrasound for her and print off new pictures.

Elena noticed more changes happening with her body as time passed. Her whole abdomen popped out close to five months. Shortly after that, her face started filling out more, and she noticed she was breathing differently. It was strange, she could hold more oxygen in but seemed to want to breathe more often because of how compacted she started to feel. Yoga was where she noticed the change the most, as it was so breath focused. The work on her breathing helped when she asked Cas to re-break her toes and put a nail through her thumbs again when things were close to being healed, about every seven weeks. Elena didn't want to risk her chakra unblocking, and she hadn't had any further visions to that point. Feeling Ava moving around was a strange sensation, one that she couldn't quite put into words.

Six months was a whole new ball game—round ligament pain that had been delayed due to her yoga and the need for more clothes in bigger sizes again. The one positive was that it seemed easier to control her emotions. The prior couple of months she had been all over the place, which added to her feeling exhausted. Whether it was her emotions stabilizing or something else, she didn't feel as tired each day.

Cas left a few more times to attend to business, though he still wouldn't tell her what he was doing. It left her with a feeling of dread each time, and each time he returned he seemed more closed off. Their relationship remained a secret, and aside from the one time she spoke to Sam about it, she hadn't said anything. Elena hadn't spoken with Cas about her concerns with things progressing past kissing because he never tried to move things further. She wasn't sure if it was her feelings of hesitation being projected on him that held him back, but whatever the reason she was appreciative.

Before she knew it, she was seven months along. Elena was doing her yoga early to try and expend some of her anxious energy. Cas left after breakfast that morning, unsure of when he would return. Elena was worried about the next few months, worried about whatever was going on with Cas that he wouldn't talk about, and worried about how things would be when Ava arrived. She had noticed a bigger change in him the last few weeks, and as much as she tried to ignore it, the dread about what was going on was building. She thought back to when she first woke up without her memories and how confident she felt in keeping her distance in case something wasn't right. She had failed and was now stuck straddling the fence as she watched Cas oscillate between his regular self and a colder, more distant version.

As she worked her practice, she thought about how even that had changed because of the pregnancy. Some positions were out of the question, too uncomfortable or not safe. There were a few new ones she incorporated after some research, but she missed some of what she used to do. As Elena went into Warrior II for the first time that practice, she felt a sharp bump coming from inside her.

What the hell?

She glanced down at her belly. This time she saw slight movement in conjunction with another bump feeling.

Ava! You feisty girl. You are getting very active!

She watched and felt as Ava punched or kicked at her a couple more times, what felt like in response to what she said. Elena laughed and laid down on the grass, enjoying the mid-morning sun across her skin, giving up on the rest of her practice. She closed her eyes and put her hands over her expanded belly and she started to sing. There was a song she had come to love by The Hollies, and it was Cas who suggested it could be Ava's song.

"If I could make a wish, I think I'd pass. Can't think of anything I'd need," she began softly, enjoying the way the grass felt around her. "What more could I ask, there's nothing left to be desired. Peace came upon me and it leaves me weak, so sleep, silent angel, go to sleep."

"Sometimes, all I need is the air that I breathe, and to love you. All I need is the air that I breathe, yes to love you," she heard Cas sing, picking up where she left off.

Elena's eyes flew open in surprise and she saw him standing nearby. He looked normal, happy, content. She felt relief and excitement to have the real him back this time. He met her eyes and crouched down next to her. She took his hand and put it on her belly along with hers.

"Peace came upon me and it leaves me weak. So sleep, silent angel, go to sleep," she continued.

"Sometimes, all I need is the air that I breathe, and to love you. All I need is the air that I breathe, yes to love you," they sang together.

Ava kicked again in response, and Cas grinned and breathed out in delighted surprise.

"You're just in time for the show, she just started while I was doing my yoga," Elena said.

"She is so fiery already," he said. "Just like her mother."

Elena smiled and looked up at the clouds and sky above her, enjoying the precious moment they were sharing. She felt him lay down next to her on his side, facing her and keeping a hand on her belly. He was propped up on his elbow watching her with a smile.

"I'm glad you're back," she ventured finally.

"As am I."

Elena knew she had to press him for answers, even though it would ruin the mood.

"Cas, what's going on? You keep leaving but you won't say why, and honestly it scares me. I want to trust you. I have this sense that there's something bad happening, like you're involved in something bad."

Cas stared at her, his expression now totally blank, and in that moment she knew he was gone again. He pulled his hand away from her, and she wanted to cry.

"You're hurting me by keeping this from me," she whispered, her eyes closed tightly. "Whatever it is, please, you need to tell me."

She waited a minute, and when he continued saying nothing, she opened her eyes. He was gone. She got up and headed back to the house, furious and frightened. Cas wasn't around at the house, either. Elena got Bobby's cell phone and walked away from the house, not wanting him to overhear anything.

"Hello?" Sam answered.

"Sam? I need your help."

"Elena? What's wrong?" he asked, immediately concerned.

"There's something really wrong with Cas. He's been going off for hours and he won't talk about it."

Sam sighed.

"It's probably just stuff with Heaven and the war. It's pretty bad. I don't think he wants to talk about it because he's embarrassed and scared, and probably a bunch of other reasons we wouldn't understand. He's not the most open person, emotionally speaking, I mean."

"Hey, shut up! Don't talk about me," she heard Dean yell from the background.

There was a scuffling as Sam covered the phone, and she heard him respond.

"I wasn't talking about you. I was talking about Cas."

"Oh. Well. Don't think about talking about me next," she heard Dean reply, and she could practically hear Sam roll his eyes over the phone.

"Sorry about that," he said.

"It's okay. Sam, I don't think this has anything do with Heaven. I can't explain it. I just…feel that something is really wrong, and I'm scared. I don't know if I can trust him," she said, her voice faltering at the end.

Sam was silent for a minute.

"Elena, do you feel like you're in danger?"

She bit her lip, trying not to cry. She failed.

"I don't know, but I'm worried that I might be," she whispered.

"Okay. Stay with Bobby, like, right by his side. Don't go off on your own with Cas. He's not there now, right?"

"No."

"Okay. We'll leave right now, we're about five hours away. It's going to be okay, I promise."

Elena hung up and turned to walk back to the house. She froze when she realized Cas was standing there, staring at her.

How much did he hear?

"You left before," she said.

"Yes."

They stared at each other silently, and Elena briefly wondered if she ran whether she could get by him. She knew she couldn't. She couldn't even run at this point, there was just no way.

"I'd better give this back to Bobby, I'm sure he'll be mad if he misses a call because of me," she said, walking around Cas.

As she started to pass him, he grabbed her arm and stopped her. She tried not to let the terror she felt show.

"Elena," he began, "there are things I have trouble with. Talking about myself and my problems does not come naturally to me. For the longest time, for most of my life to this point, I did not matter. Not as an individual. It's difficult for me to change that, but I am trying."

She swallowed and tried to give him a small smile.

"Okay. It's fine, Cas, I understand."

He wouldn't hurt me, right? At least not before Ava's born. I'll be okay. I'll be fine. He's going to let me go any moment now, and it'll be fine.

Cas dropped his hold on her arm, and she went back in, with him right behind her. She hoped the relief in her body wasn't obvious.

"Here's your phone, Bobby, thanks for letting me borrow it!" She told him, overly cheerful.

Bobby gave her a strange look.

"You okay?"

"Yeah, totally! It's been a while since I've spent time in here with you, though. I haven't meant to neglect our friendship."

"Uh, okay. You sure you're okay? You seem kinda…I don't know. Strange."

"Nope! I'm great. Everything's great!"

Bobby raised an eyebrow and shook his head.

"Pregnancy hormones," he muttered.

Elena kept checking the time to see how much longer it was until Sam and Dean would be arriving. She knew she was driving Bobby crazy and that Cas noticed her abnormal behavior, but she couldn't help it. She was trying not to panic and trying not to cry and trying not to show how afraid she was.

How did it get to this point? What if…

Elena froze in her seat as a new terrifying thought came to her. She glanced at the doorway to the study where Cas was standing, glancing through one of Bobby's books.

What if the reason I can't remember is because he did something to me? Maybe I found out whatever he's trying to hide, and he did this to me so that no one would know.

A suddenly clattering noise made her jump in her seat.

"My apologies," Cas said as he bent to pick up the book he had dropped.

Bobby frowned.

"Mind the books, they're delicate. If you can't be trusted, then don't pick them up."

Cas looked at Bobby sharply but remained silent. Elena bit her lip and checked the time again.

They'll be here soon. Then everything will be okay. I hope.

"Elena, for cryin' out loud, could you stop that drummin'?" Bobby remarked, and Elena stopped tapping her fingers.

She hadn't realized she was doing it until he said something. Bobby was frustrated with her continued presence, but there had been no way to let him know what Sam said, and what the plan was.

Well, I don't even know the plan, other than them coming back. Hopefully there's something we can do.

Cas was staring at her again. There was a coldness to his gaze now, and she fought off a shiver. It wasn't that same look he gave her that made her breath catch in her throat and her body feel warm and tingly. The look he gave her now was borderline sinister.

Maybe I'm just thinking that because I'm worried.

"Anybody home?" Dean called out, and Elena jumped out of her seat.

Cas was still near the door, and she wasn't willing to go past him.

"We're in the study," she yelled back.

Cas stepped to the side to let Dean and Sam in.

"What're you two doin' back?" Bobby asked, surprised to see them.

Dean shrugged.

"Eh, needed a bit of a break, figured we'd swing through. How's it going?"

Bobby pushed back in his seat and sighed.

"Whole lotta nothin'."

After he spoke, he glanced at Elena.

"Sorry, I know her royal highness doesn't want to hear about it," he said dryly.

"Oh, no, it's okay. Hey, Dean, hey, Sam," she greeted, giving each of them a hug.

"This will look worse than it is," Dean whispered to her.

Elena was confused by Dean's words but gave no indication. Dean walked over to stand next to Bobby, looking at the book Bobby had been reading that was open on the desk.

"Kinda close there, aren't you?" Bobby asked, giving Dean a weird look.

Cas was watching the interaction unfold, his eyes focused on Dean and Bobby. Elena realized with a sinking feeling that he was looking at Dean with suspicion. She knew he knew something was going on.

"Sorry, Cas," Sam said, and Cas looked to Sam.

He tilted his head and narrowed his eyes in confusion, and a second later there was a blindingly bright light as Sam slammed his hand into the angel banishing sigil he had been painting on the wall with blood from his hand. Elena watched in shock as Cas was covered in the light. When it faded, he was gone.

"What the hell is going on?" Bobby roared.

"We'll explain later, Bobby. Elena, go into the panic room," Dean directed.

"We're going to put up angel wardings so he won't be able to go in," Sam told her as he followed her down into the basement, Bobby and Dean right behind him.

They got to work quickly, covering the surface of the room with the markings. When they finished, Dean dumped a clear liquid in a circle near the entrance to the panic room.

"Will one of you idjits tell me what the hell is goin' on and why you just blew Cas away?"

Dean tightened his jaw, giving Bobby a dark look.

"Something's wrong with him, Bobby. Somethin' bad. He's into something and all we know is it's not good. We gotta figure it out. This was the only way to get her safe and prepare."

Elena looked at Bobby and saw the horror on his face. She felt the same way inside, her stomach twisting into countless knots. Bobby glanced at her.

"Did you know?"

"Not exactly. I didn't know what they were going to do. But I called Sam earlier today. Wherever he's been going, I can just tell it's bad. Whatever he's involved with that he won't talk about. It's been months. He's not the same, he's changing. There's something—" she stopped when Cas appeared in the basement.

He looked furious, and Elena backed further away from the door. They were all inside the panic room, and when Cas stepped toward it to enter, he hit an invisible wall that pushed him back.

"You sent me away, and now this? Angel wardings? What is this?" he demanded.

"Cas, you gotta talk to us. What's going on?" Dean said, his voice not hiding his desperation for answers.

"This is ridiculous. Elena, come out here."

She shook her head, eyes wide with fear. She didn't think it was possible, but he got even angrier.

"Whatever you think is going on, you're wrong. Take the wardings down. Stop doing this."

"I'm sorry, man, but we can't until you tell us the truth. What the hell are you into, Cas?" Sam asked.

Cas narrowed his eyes as he looked at Sam.

"What am I into? What about you, boy? I know all about it. Don't think I don't. Nothing changed when she lost her memory, she picked me again, and she will every time."

Sam held his ground but was visibly shaken. Elena looked between the two of them with confusion, then glanced at Dean. He had his arms crossed, still waiting for Cas to explain.

"What's it gonna be, Cas?"

Cas looked back at Dean with disgust.

"I don't answer to you."

"Well maybe that's your problem, because you seem to have gone off the deep end. Don't make me ask again, because the next time you won't have a choice about answering."

Cas sneered at him, shaking his head in disbelief.

"What could you even do to me?"

"This," Dean said as he threw a match down on the floor outside the panic room.

The liquid he poured earlier quickly caught fire, surrounding Cas.

"Holy oil," Dean said.

"Dean, don't do this," Cas said, his voice wavering a little.

"Talk to me, man, tell me the truth."

Cas continued staring at Dean, his gaze hard. After a few seconds, the anger melted away and Cas looked down.

"There…are things I have done. People I got involved with that I should never have gotten involved with. I thought it was the only way to go, to win the war against Raphael. I was so certain I was doing the right thing."

Cas stopped talking for a few seconds. He lifted his head and stared at Elena, his expression filled with love.

"Then I met you, Elena, and everything changed. The things I was involved in, I realized I had made a mistake. I tried…I tried to get out of it. Every attempt I made, nothing worked. I keep trying to do the right thing, but it's all gone so wrong. I don't know how to fix it."

"What did you do, man?" Dean prompted.

Cas dropped his gaze again.

"I made a deal. With Crowley."

Sam scoffed.

"Crowley's dead. Deal's off."

Cas didn't answer, and Dean gave a small, sad laugh.

"Except he's not dead, is he? If you were working with him, it was all a trick, wasn't it?" Dean asked, his voice shaking a little.

"Who's Crowley?" Elena asked.

"The King of Hell," Bobby said quietly.

She looked at Cas as he stood in the ring of fire. He looked back at her, and whatever had been blocking her from sensing his feelings before was gone. They hit her suddenly and she gasped a little at the intensity of everything, wondering how he'd been holding it all in. She saw and felt the hurt, shame, guilt, disgust with himself, fear, all of it. It was overwhelming.

"I fooled myself into thinking I could outsmart him. I was planning to turn on him, once I got what I wanted. For months now I've just been trying to get out of it, but I don't know what to do. He was threatening to expose the plan to you all, so I told him I would tell you myself. He must have believed me, because he…" Cas trailed off, looking at Elena.

"He threatened me, didn't he," she said, and Cas nodded.

"The night at the motel, when we were going to speak with those women. That was the night he threatened you. The next day the accident happened, and you lost your memories, and…I'm not sure if that was him sending me a warning that he would follow through if I didn't stay in line."

"Son of a bitch," Dean said softly, tears glinting in his eyes. "You stupid, son of a bitch. How could you?"

"I didn't know what else to do, Dean! I tried to fight Raphael on my own one time. You saw the aftermath of what happened. He has so many followers now, and Heaven is being torn apart."

"What was Crowley gonna do for you that we couldn't?" Dean asked.

"He helped me get Sam out of the Cage, or rather, cleared the path by calling off all the guards. We were going to open Purgatory and I would be able to use the souls to defeat Raphael finally. We were going to split them. It was the only way I could win."

"Cas, did you bring me back soulless on purpose?" Sam asked, horrified.

Cas looked mortified.

"How could you think that?"

"I don't know what to think right now."

"Alright, enough. We gotta figure out what we're gonna do," Dean said, turning away from Cas.

"Dean," Sam said, a pained expression on his face.

"I can't. I can't even…Elena, what do you want to do?"

Elena looked at Dean, sure that she was looking just as broken about this revelation as he was.

"I don't know what to do," she said. "Do you think it's true? Do you think he tried to get out of the deal?"

Dean pinched the bridge of his nose and shook his head.

"I don't know. I don't know what to think."

"I think he's telling the truth, Elena," Sam said beside her. "Like I told you before, he always does things for the right reasons. I think he realized his mistake, but he was in too deep, like he's saying. I think he's been trying to protect you this whole time."

"Why do you think that? That he's been trying to protect me?"

"He's literally been guarding you almost non-stop for months. I think this is why he's been acting so weird. It makes sense," Sam told her.

"Doesn't matter if he was trying to do the right thing, he did everything wrong," Dean growled.

"Yeah, he did," Sam agreed.

"I can't believe he'd be stupid enough to get into bed with Crowley," Bobby said, shaking his head in disbelief.

"I think he's just naïve," Sam replied.

Elena's mind wandered back to that conversation when Sam told her that Cas always did what he thought was right. She felt more fear move through her, and she stepped around Dean to face Cas again.

"You were there, weren't you," she said.

"Where?"

"When I told you to let me talk to Sam on my own, to stay back. You were there. You were—how did you do it? I thought I saw the air look weird a couple times, but it was gone before I could realize why. You were gone. The air was the same as when I glance at your wings, the shimmer to it."

"I was there," he admitted, hanging his head.

"How? Why?"

"I can make myself appear to be invisible. You can perceive me, though, which is why you noticed the air. When you looked at me those times, I wasn't sure if you'd realized it was me, and I flew to a different spot."

"You didn't say why."

Cas picked up his head and stared defeatedly at Sam.

"I was jealous," he said.

"Jealous?"

"Yes."

"Of Sam? Why?"

Cas paused, tilting his head at her question.

"How do you not see it? Even I can see it," he said.

"Cas," Dean said warningly.

"I don't understand," she said, shaking her head.

"Then when I came back the night he walked out of your room, and you were in bed, naked, and he had called you beautiful," Cas continued.

"Wait, how did you know he said that? Were you listening outside the door?"

"No!"

"Then…" she trailed off, mind racing.

This is so confusing. How did he know, if he wasn't spying?

Cas looked at her sadly.

"Because of that. You had that problem when you first became human, too. You learned how to control it and not project your thoughts. When you lost your memories, you didn't know it was happening, that I could hear you."

Elena barely noted the looks of confusion from Dean, Sam, and Bobby.

"How can you hear me but no one else?"

"You're speaking on what amounts to a celestial frequency. You can focus to allow humans to hear you but it's not natural. I've been able to hear you this whole time."

"And you didn't tell me."

"Elena, I—" he stopped, looking down again. "I have no words to make this right. I wish you could know how sorry I am about all of this. I wish I'd met you sooner; maybe I wouldn't have made this deal in the first place. Or maybe you would have been better off never meeting me at all. I'm so sorry, Elena. I'm sorry to all of you."

Elena turned around, facing Sam, Dean, and Bobby.

"Do what you need to with him to fix this, but I'm done. I'm out. I don't want him around me or Ava, ever."

She walked over to the cot in the room and sat down, her back to him.

"Elena, please," Cas called to her desperately. "Ava is our daughter, please don't do this to me!"

"You did this to yourself. You heard her, Cas. Go near her again and we won't be so friendly. You'll work with us on fixing this mess you're in, and after that, you're gone," Dean said.

Elena dropped her head into her hands and finally let loose the tidal wave of tears she'd been holding in. Nothing could have prepared her for this, and she didn't know how she was going to survive.