Chapter 8

WARNING- THIS STORY CONTAINS MATURE THEMES SUCH AS SELF HARM AND ABUSE, PLEASE DO NOT READ IF THIS MAY UPSET OR TRIGGER YOU IN AN WAY

I have suffered with self harming before not long ago, and please if you or any of your friends/family are going through it, get help and just remember it DOES get better and you're not alone. I'm always here if you need any help I'll understand xx

Disclaimer- I do not own 'Twilight' or any of the other books written by Stephanie Meyer. All characters mentioned in this fanfic belong to the wonderful author and not me (although I wish Jacob aka Taylor Lautner belonged to me )

This story is set in New Moon, just after Edward left Bella and she is depressed and lonely.

Btw, thank you jesspots1704 for the review, it was so sweet and I'd love to maybe talk to you sometime :)

Hope you guys enjoy this chapter x

Jacob's POV

When the ambulance arrived, I carried Bella's limp body onto the stretcher and got into the ambulance with her, holding her hand whilst she was unconscious, lying there, bleeding still. The paramedics had eventually stopped the blood flow by wrapping a huge bandage tightly around both her wrists. They had asked me several questions about how it had happened, and if Bella had done it intentionally, but I told them that I honestly didn't know and that she hadn't told me anything about it. They agreed that they would question her when she woke up in the hospital.

As we neared closer and closer to the hospital, my eyes didn't move from Bella, I hoped to God that she was going to be ok but even I knew that it wasn't only her physical health that was affected, she was mentally ill.

I had known that she was upset over Edward leaving her, but I had thought that she had gotten happier and was doing fine, hanging round with me. She clearly wasn't though and for the life of me I couldn't understand why she would ever want to do that to herself. I had heard tales of people hurting themselves when they were low because it made them feel better, but the concept had confused me. How could causing yourself pain make anything better? I wasn't going to judge Bella one bit for what she had done, but I still couldn't figure out what had made herself want to do that, I'd need an explanation when she woke up.

Edward's POV

When Alice had had a vision, I didn't expect it to be about Bella. After all, we had been trying to see anything that would tell us how Bella was doing for months, but something had been blocking Alice's vision and we hadn't gotten anywhere.

But, when Alice's face had changed to one of fear and shock, I felt something stir inside of me, a feeling of pure fear, fear if Bella was ok. I don't know how to explain it but there was a sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach and it was like I knew that Bella was in trouble, deep down.

I watched Alice fearfully, as she zoned out and forgot about everything and everyone around her. She did this every time she had a vision, but this time it was different. Her face showed more emotion and she was silent for way longer than usual.

"Alice?" Carlisle asked her, but Alice didn't hear him and carried on staring off into the distance with a haunted look on her face.

When she finally snaps out of it and turns to look over at all of us, her eyes immediately flicker over to me, and it's like she's trying to tell me something with her eyes.

It had to have something to do with Bella. Why else would she be directly looking at me? And judging by the look on her face, it can't be good.

I ask if it's Bella anyway, hoping that Alice will say no, but she nods silently.

"Is she ok?" I plead desperately.

I focus on Alice's thoughts and I find out what her vision was of, and I instantly wish I hadn't. There, living in my mind rent-free, is the horrifying image of my dear, sweet Bella slashing at her wrists violently with a silver blade, tears pouring down her cheeks. I feel the need to grab the blade off her, but obviously I can't because this vision is of what's already happened. Instead, I watch in silent horror as Bella struggles to stop the blood flowing out of her wrists, I see her beginning to get panicked, when she collapses on the floor, the blade falling out her hands and clattering on the tiled bathroom floor.

The feeling of guilt and sorrow overtakes my whole body, and I feel helpless. Helpless that I couldn't do anything to stop it, and helpless that this might be my fault. No, who am I kidding? This is all my fault, I was so stupid, leaving Bella alone in the forest like that, thinking that she'd ever get over me. I had clung onto the hope that it would help her and that she'd be able to move on with her life without me, and live like a human should do, with all the little experiences like 'sleepovers' and 'going out with your boyfriend for a meal' that I could never give her but it had all been wasted. Instead of helping her, I had only made it worse, she had become depressed and purposely hurt herself just so she could feel better. I was a horrible person, and I wished that I had never left Bella in the first place. If I was there, then I could have protected her from whatever it is she is going through. Because of me, she had had to go through it all by herself, and I don't think I could ever forgive myself for that.

I am agonised to know that I had caused this and that the love of my life could die and I had left her at the hardest point of her life, so she had been alone.

'Well, not completely alone', I think, remembering the Jacob kid that Bella had made friends with. At the time I had been jealous to find out about him, but now I felt slightly relieved. Maybe he might find her and save her before it's too late..

Bella's POV

I drift in and out of consciousness, only slightly aware of what's going on around me. I hear a low, deep voice and I instantly recognise it as being Jacob's. I then feel a warm, rough hand entwined into mine, and know it must be Jacob's.

I sigh in relief, at least he still cared about me enough to come and look for me else I would have bled to death. I wasn't happy with my life, but that didn't mean I wanted to die. I knew that Jacob would be devastated if I were to die, and I wasn't willing to let that happen, not after he'd cared for me so much since he had left. I WOULD try my best to stay living, even if it was just for Jake's sake.

I hang onto his hand, breathing in the rusty, worn smell of the garage and cars that he smelt of. I smile disorientedly, glad that he was by my side, before the blackness overcomes me again, and I fall back into unconsciousness.

Edward's POV

I sit on sofa tensely, not being able to get the image of Bella cutting herself out of my head. The rest of the family exchange confused glances towards me and Alice, not having a clue what was going on.

"Sit down" Alice says sharply.

They all sit down on the sofa with me, and Alice tells them about Bella. After she has explained about what Bella had done, the room is full of shocked gasps and murmurs.

"Bella cut herself?" Emmet asks, sounding pained.

We all knew that Emmet cared about Bella like a big brother, and he was upset that his 'little sister' that he had always made fun of for being a clumsy human was hurting herself like that.

"Is she ok?" Esme asks softly.

"We're not sure" Alice responds, worried.

"What do you mean 'you're not sure'?" Rosalie snaps back, irritated.

"We mean that we didn't see what happened after she cut herself. She collapsed on the floor and then the vision ended" Alice answers, calmly.

"So you don't know if anyone found her?" Carlisle questions, concerned.

"No" Alice says, quietly.

"What are we going to do?" Jasper asks.

"Well isn't it obvious? We're not going to do anything" I state, annoyed.

"But, Edward…" Esme starts, exasperated.

"No, we've caused enough damage in her life by leaving, we can't make it any worse" I argue loudly.

The whole family look at me pityingly, and Carlisle shakes his head.

"Look, Edward, I can understand why you feel that way, and why you blame yourself for what happened but it's not your fault, you were only trying to let her live her life.." he says.

"Yeah, and look how that turned out, with her trying to kill herself" I cut in, wincing at the thought of Bella doing that.

"Edward, self- harm isn't an attempt at suicide" Carlisle answers, knowingly.

"What? Why else would she cut herself then if she didn't want to die?" I yell, upset.

"Because when some people struggle to deal with their emotions, they cause themselves physical pain, in an attempt to take their mind of the intense emotional pain they feel inside."

"So Bella did that to herself to try and make herself feel better?" I ask, confused.

"Yes" Carlisle answers, trying to reassure me.

This new information makes me feel slightly better, not much though. At least Bella hadn't tried to commit suicide then, I mean self-harm wasn't really any better, but I was just relieved that she wasn't trying to end her life like that.

I wonder if Jacob has found Bella yet, or if he doesn't even know she's in trouble. I can't stand the guilt and worrying any more, and I decide to go to Forks myself to make sure Bella was ok. I know that I would be breaking the whole 'trying to keep Bella safe' thing but if I was being honest, leaving had only had the opposite effect and put Bella in more danger than she was in before. I couldn't be without her for any longer, it hurt too much, and Bella clearly missed me too so I would make sure she was ok and beg her for my forgiveness.

Jacob's POV

Bella had been unconscious for three hours now, and I was beginning to wonder if she'd ever wake up when I felt her stir in the hospital bed and her eyes slowly opened, groggily. The sight of her awake makes me feel so happy and I breathe out heavily, not aware that I had been holding my breath.

"You're finally awake" I sigh, squeezing her hand gently.

She smiles at me softly, and slowly tries to sit up, but I hurriedly stop her and push her back down again.

"Ughhh" she moans, rolling her eyes.

"Doctor's orders" I reply, grinning.

She goes to unhook her tight grip on my hand without thinking, when her hospital gown sleeves roll up, showing her scars. Her face looks panicked and she pulls her sleeve back down reflexively, embarrassed.

"Bella-" I start to say.

"Don't" she snaps, her mood changing instantly.

"I want to know why you did it" I state, studying her reaction cautiously.

"Fine, I guess I owe you that much" she sighs reluctantly.

"Yeah" I answer, waiting for her to speak.

She stays silent, picking at her gown sleeve absent-mindedly, staring out into the distance.

"So..?" I prompt her gently.

"After… Edward left," she starts, wincing painfully as she says his name out loud.

"Go on" I say, squeezing her hand supportively.

"After he left, I felt empty.. like there was a piece of my heart that had been torn out and took with him. I wouldn't feel any actual emotion, just numbness. I'd wake up in the mornings, go to school, have dinner, go to bed and do it all over again. It was a dull repeated cycle, I lost all my friends and Charlie was always at work so I was alone most of the time, with nothing to do. I was lost and lonely, I was starting to wonder if there was any point of my life, or whether I was meant to live in sadness for the rest of it. I didn't know who I was anymore, I wasn't the child Bella anymore who lived with her mom in sunny Phoenix , happy as can be, and I wasn't the love-sick Bella anymore who had a boyfriend who loved her more than anything.. I was a nobody."

"I spent months just wondering around the house lifelessly, like a zombie. I did everything that was asked of me both at home and at school, but I wasn't happy and I didn't enjoy my life any more. It was like one long chore, doing the same things over and over again, day after day. Only a few months after Edward left, mom died. I was devastated because my mom was the only one person who understood me, she would always make me laugh, she was the fun and irresponsible parent that every child wished they had. She would always make me happy when I was feeling down.. and I couldn't comprehend the fact that she was gone. Charlie didn't take her death very well, he would go to the pub everyday after work and get drunk off his face and then come back home angry and hurt. And then, one day, when I came back from school, Charlie beat me for the first time. He was drunk and upset, and so he took all his anger and hurt out on me. He hated me and I knew it, he made me feel worthless, like I didn't deserve happiness. He blamed me for Mom's death, and over time, he made me feel like it was my fault. Like if I had never been born, then none of this would have happened. Charlie caused me to hate myself, and every time I'd look at my reflection, I'd feel disgusted, as if I shouldn't even be alive. I cried myself to sleep every night, wishing and wishing that I had been the one that died instead of my mom. Charlie carried on abusing me every day, and I was terrified of him. Even though he was my dad, I would flinch whenever he came near me, and I'd have nightmares of him beating me every single night. I'd wake up sweating and crying, wondering when my life had gotten this unbearable. The day that Charlie had first beaten me, was the same day that I started self-harming. I was in the bathroom and I just couldn't deal with it anymore, all the pain and sadness weighed me down and it was too much to bear. I grabbed the razor out of the cupboard and cut my wrists, I likedhow it made me feel, I watched the blood run down my wrist and it made me feel better, the stinging pain of the cut took my mind off all the sadness and worthlessness that I had been feeling. Once I had started, I couldn't stop.. it was an addiction that I couldn't shift and no matter how dangerous I knew it was, I kept on bringing the blade to my skin anyway, desperate for anything that made the pain go away."

Bella sits there, crying uncontrollably, her delicate frame shaking from the sobs. Tears drip down her cheeks, and she looks so fed-up and miserable that it makes me want to cry as well. She's my best friend, and I care about her more than she'll ever know. I have to keep it together though, as I'm supposed to be the strong one who's comforting her, not the other way around!

I slowly shift over to sit next to her on the hospital bed and I slip my hand round her back and rub it soothingly. She leans her head into mine, and we sit like that until Bella's sobs have calmed down and she is feeling a little better. I then lift my head up off hers and turn to look at her.

"How come you never told me?" I ask her, gently.

"I was scared to.. I though you'd think that I was crazy".

"Crazy? I would never think that you're crazy."

"Thanks".

I squeeze her hand softly, wondering if she'll be ok.

"You do need help though" I state firmly, not taking no for an answer.

"Help? I don't need help, this is why I never told you" Bella starts to panic, recoiling away from me.

"Hey, there's no need to be scared. I mean you need someone to talk to, I'm not going to send you off to a psychiatric ward or anything" I reassure her, trying my best not to scare her.

"Fine, if it'll make you feel better" she groans.

"This isn't for me, this is for you" I say seriously.

"I know" she whispers sadly.

Ok, phew, finally finished writing this chapter! This took me 3 hours no joke and it's over 3000 words long. Hoped you liked it, this was really hard for me to write, especially the part about Bella's self- harm addiction because it was so relatable . Just remember, if any of you lovely readers are offended by this chapter, then I am really sorry, I know that self-harm is a very serious topic and I tried my best to get it to be realistic and relatable for people, but I do apologize if you took it the wrong way x