A few hours later, Jane sat on the stairs of the deck of Maura's home and glanced into the stars. Unable to sleep and seeking for the fresh autumn air, she took a few deep breaths to calm her racing heart. They had made love and explored new territory. Jane thought of how easy and natural it felt to touch the doc in all the places she had dreamt to touch her back then, when they had spent time together. But no dream compared to what it was in real. A smile crossed her face as she took another deep breath.
After being alone for such a long time, she cherished the silence of the night. Seeing her family had been good. Everybody had been so happy to see her. It somehow hurt Janes heart and she felt guilty for putting them all through a lot of pain. Yet, she admired them for not being mad. Maybe it would still come she thought.
Small tears trickled down her cheeks as she held on to her glass of juice. She couldn't even say if they were out of sadness about having missed out on so much over the past years, or if they were coming from the happiness that she felt to be back with them. Probably from both she decided and heard the door to the dock creak behind her.
Jane almost expected Maura to wrap her arms around her, like the doc had done earlier that night. But it was Lucy who shuffled closer, asking if she mined her company. Jane quickly wiped the tears of her face and shook her head firmly. So, Lucy sat down next to her. Their shoulders touched and both sighed.
"Are you okay Ma?" Lucy asked the question Jane thought she should ask her daughter than the other way round. She smiled at her daughter and nodded. Lucy replied her smile and gently pushed her shoulders against Janes.
"Are you?" Jane asked after swallowing a lump and Lucy nodded. "Yes. Although its all a bit overwhelming." She gave Jane an apologetical look and Jane nodded. For such a long time it's only been the two of them. The brunette could only imagine what it must feel like for her daughter to meet so many members of the family at once. "I really love them." Lucy hurried to say, and Jane lifted her arm to wrap it around her daughters shoulder.
"I know. I feel overwhelmed as well. It's been such a long time…" she left the rest of the sentence hanging in the air. Lucy nodded wistfully. "Thank you." She said, her voice almost as dark as her mothers. Jane could hear some held back tears in the young girl's voice and glanced at her in surprise.
"What for?" she asked and saw a silent tear roll down the cheeks. With her free hand she cupped Lucy's face and wiped the tear away with a thumb. Her touch was gentle which elicited more tears to fall.
"For giving that up to …." The girl stopped to compose herself. A sad smile curling around her lips as she gathered the strength to complete the sentence. But Jane already understood what she wanted to say. "It was worth it!" she firmly said, letting Lucy know that she didn't regret her decision to join the witness protection program to give them a save life. Lucy nodded and her head came to rest against Janes shoulders. It made the brunette tumble emotionally through all these years of them being the only members of this tiny family. It felt consoling and comfortable. She left a kiss on Lucys forehead.
"Maura is great. I understand why you never wanted another one." Lucy said and Jane chuckled. "She always has been the only one to me. I'm glad that you like her." Jane was indeed happy to see how the four of them merged into a new family. Then came the question she dreaded most. Everybody had already asked her what she was going to do now. And she had just shrugged and listened as the others had spun out their plans of her and Maura returning to BPD.
She had gotten her life back, theoretically there weren't any obstacles left. But did it mean that she had to settle completely back into Jane Rizzoli? She had been someone else for almost half of her life. Her IT-Consulting company was quit successful. And Jane found that she like this and other parts of Amanda Lucas life. There was a chance to merge these two life's into a better one she thought while Lucy waited for her reply.
The only thing Jane knew for sure was, that her new life contained Maura and the girls and that this was already making it the best life ever. The smile split her face. "I have to figure out yet." She honestly replied and Lucy chuckled softly. "What?" Jane asked and chuckled along.
"You seem to be in a similar stage of life then I am." Lucy mumbled. "Everybody keeps asking what im going to be or if I have any plans. And I don't know. But because of everybody asking I feel bad and like I already have to. But how can I?" a little bit of frustration mixed into her tone and Jane understood her completely. "Its annoying." She admitted. "Although they all just want our best. But I feel you." As they followed their own thoughts, silence spread over them.
"I love you ma." Lucy finally broke it. "You sometimes make life so easy for me by not judging or pushing me. Yet you always have my back when I need you." Jane's heart melted at these words. Sometimes she felt as if they weren't only mother and daughter but also friends. Two sets of brown eyes met in moonlight and they smiled.
Jane took a deep breath. Telling Lucy about her big secret last Christmas had been a big leap, but at the same time it had cured something in her. Shyly she averted her eyes to her feet and gave another soft chuckle.
The door behind them creaked open again and this time they heard two pairs of feet padding closer. "Hey, there you are." Maura spoke and Jane could hear that she had been worried. "I couldn't sleep." She said with a smile. "Hope I didn't wake you." Maura shook her head in no and they both watched Lucy lift from her sitting position to grab Clementine's offered hand. "I'm going inside." She informed them and gave her mother one last warm smile before saying good night.
Jane and Maura found themselves alone outside and Jane sighed while Maura sat down to the spot that Lucy had just vacated.
"What am I going to do now Maur?" Jane spoke up and rubbed her head. Her company was successful, and she earned good money, but she had also loved being a detective. She had literally no plan.
When she looked up she found soft hazel eyes gazing at her. "Take your time. You'll figure it out. We… " Maura paused and took her hand into hers. They were warm and soft. "I can help you." Maura said and Jane looked back at her feet and nodded.
"Is this okay?" Jane asked, suddenly insecure about everything. Despite knowing that it was ridiculous. But she felt lost all of a sudden. It must be hard on Maura as well she thought. Maura gently reached for her chin and made her look back at her.
"I'm serious Maur. What if we wake up in two month and think that this is not working." The panic was raising in Jane and she swallowed hard.
"Jane,.." Maura's voice was slightly trembling in emotions. "Don't do that to yourself or to us. I always hoped… back then… " Maura swallowed now as well and Jane realized that she had given the impression to run. And god knew, she had run so often. She squeezed Maura's hand. "I'm not going to run." She whispered with a hoarse voice. "I promise!" she cleared her throat. "I just want to know if you're okay. It must be hard for you too."
Maura smiled sadly, understanding where Jane was heading. "You mean, what if we wake up in two months and realize that its not working, because love is not enough?" she softly asked and Jane nodded. "What if we have changed? Right now were euphoric about everything. The world is full of rainbows…" she took a deep breath.
"Fear is always irrational Jane. And there is a lot going on at the moment which is scary. But the point is, that we had such situations before. And we always overcame them by sticking together. Together Jane. Whenever one of us tried to do so alone we failed miserably. We are made for each other. Don't ask me how it works with how different we are. But it always works. And it will also work out fine this time. I wont let go of your hand either baby."
Jane listened up. Baby? She smiled. "Did you just baby me?" she teased Maura who laughed before they became serious again. They glanced at their entwined fingers and Jane suddenly felt a burst of confidence rushing through her body.
"Yeah. Together. We can do that!" she said, and Maura nodded. Strangely enough, Jane had always allowed Maura to see her weaknesses. There was no other person she ever was so honest to without feeling vulnerable or ashamed of not being strong. She bit her lips and felt studying eyes resting on her. How Lucy had said earlier: not judging but caring.
She realized that the girls return to college was in a few days and shuddered. "How about we bring them to college together?" Maura said as reading Jane's thoughts, her head cocked to one side. Jane's heart made an excited jump. She smiled and nodded. It was still hard to believe that they were together like that. "We could take a few days off and look for a nice hotel." The brunette added and earned a raised eyebrow. In the former times she had hated leaving home, even if it was only for two days. So, it was very unusual for her to offer such thing.
"Sounds great!" Maura's smile spread over her face and Jane felt happy. If they were going to spend the rest of their life's together, as Jane hoped they would, she wanted to make Maura laugh and smile like that every day of their lives. She squeezed the hand in hers again and nodded to herself. "Okay then. Let's do it."
The last sentence meant more than driving the girls to college or taking a few days of vacation. It meant agreeing on a relationship, on being together romantically. It meant leaping into the big unknown. Jane felt Maura's soft lips leaving a kiss on her cheek. "Let's go back to bed before we catch pneumonia." She whispered a joke and Jane laughed. "Yeah. Wouldn't be a good start to it all." She joked as well and followed Maura back into the house.