Chapter 8: Waffe
March 15, 1938
Fresh Fruits and Vegetables
FRESH Green Kale – 3 lbs. 10c
GREEN New Cabbage – lb. 3c
SOLID FRESH Tomatoes – 2 lbs. 15c
LARGE FLORIDA ORANGES – 2 dozen 35c
Adolf Hitler's schedule for the fifteen of March had been meticulously planned to each quarter-hour in the days prior. Starting at 6:00 A.M., much too early for Hitler, where he was to be awaken by his aides to quickly rush through a light breakfast. After picking through a spread of marmalade and margarine on bread downed with a cup of coffee, he had advisory meetings with the secretaries he had brought down with him followed by advisory meetings with military officials followed by an editing session with his proofreaders for his upcoming balcony speech. He allotted himself twenty minutes to use the bathroom and listen to one of his aides read aloud the interesting sections of that morning's newspaper. That aid would then be sent out for Hitler to participate in one of his regular private sessions with his personal physician to consume and inject whatever drugs Morell asked him to. After getting nice and doped up, Hitler would then get dressed up in his bougie beiges and browns, slip on his little red armband, slick his hair to the side, and go to meet with more people. This time it was his new Austrian minions, a consortium of Nazis, fascists, unifiers, useful idiots, flopping politicians, kiss-asses, and whatever other rabble who were able to get a meeting with the Chancellor of Germany.
Once all his meetings were over, Hitler, his personal entourage, and a significant chunk of the German military were to then drive down into Vienna. There would be no stops. They would arrive, smile and wave at the locals, and make their way to Hofburg Palace. Hitler had arranged for a tour of the building which had previously housed the Hapsburgs, so while the crowd of two-hundred thousand whipped themselves into nationalistic fervor, Hitler could spend some time admiring the art of his home country. The end of the tour would coincide with the orgasmic climax of the crowd, and that is when Hitler would enter onto the balcony overlooking Heldenplatz to the roars and chants of the newest citizens to his Reich. Hitler would roar and chant back, to which the crowd would roar and chant back, to which Hitler would roar and chant back, and so on and so on. This song and dance would continue until Hitler made a proclamation of love for the crowd, threw up a roman salute towards the orgy, and returned into the palace. This would conclude the days public appearances for the Führer, but meetings with others would continue in one of the more spacious offices in the palace.
Namely: Arthur Seyss-Inquart, the soon to be retired Austrian chancellor, Heinrich Himmler, one of Hitler's most trusted men who had already been in Austria for some time rounding up dissentient politicians, Hermann Göring, Nazi leader and chief architect of this annexation of Austria —Anschluss—who Hitler had a telephone appointment with, and Dr. Ivo Robotnik, an apparent scientist and engineer extraordinaire.
Making a chance to meet with Adolf Hitler was easy for Eggman. After his capture in Igis, Switzerland, Eggman was transported into the large-small town of Chur, the canton capital, where he was briefly held as a stateless trespasser. Fortunately for Eggman, that same day Switzerland's neighbor, Nazi Germany, decided to invade another of Switzerland's neighbors, Austria. Front page of every newspaper, "HITLER INVADES AUSTRIA." Knowing sending Hitler an e-mail was impossible, Eggman worked his way through a chain of command until he was able to schedule a meeting with the Führer. First, he got the phone number for the Technical University of Berlin and got into contact with their English department who then acted as a liaison between Eggman and the college's physics department. Once talking with a physicist, Eggman went on to rigorously prove a number a physics and mathematical conundrums such as the existence of the Higgs Boson, the modularity conjecture, and the physical development of the CMOS transistor. The astonished professor then introduced Eggman to the department head, who then got hold of the school's president, who then pulled a couple political strings and favors to get Eggman a chance to speak with Adolf Hitler about German miracle weapons.
As the fifteenth of March marched on, all was going to plan for Hitler. His meetings were met, his travels traveled, and his speeches spoke. All that was left before dinner was his appointment with Eggman.
"Are you ready, Ivo?" Eggman's nervous translator got out in his thick German accent.
Eggman, still lounging with his legs crossed, shrugged. "Of course, this should be quick." He got up, stretched out his back, and quickly tidied up the papers and schematics he had drawn up last night before indicating to his translator to lead the way.
The two began to walk towards a lady holding open the thick wooden door, a lady who quickly whispered something into the translator's ear before letting the duo inside the office. They entered, and the secretary closed the door behind them.
At the center of the room, behind an oak desk, stood the Führer.
The secretary spoke, presumably announcing their arrival, after which the translator threw his arm forward and gave an enthusiastic "Heil Hitler!" Eggman, who had wised up to the whole schtick, did the arm gesture with accompanying lyrics though less enthusiastic than his translator. Everyone else in the room followed suit, with Hitler himself just holding his palm up.
Hitler extended his arm towards Eggman while saying something with a hint of pep in his voice. The translator quickly turned his head to look at Eggman and translate, "The Führer says it is a pleasure to meet the genius scientist."
Eggman responded with a toothy grin and took the dictator's hand. "The pleasure is all mine; to meet such a great and powerful man is an honor." The two rapidly shook their hands up and down and released just before the exchange got weird. Hitler pointed at the two chairs in front of his desk before seating himself. Eggman and the translator took their seats.
In front of Hitler was a simple notebook. He picked his glasses up off the desk and slipped them on before jotting away at the notebook, perhaps finishing his notes from the previous meeting.
Being ignored, Eggman used this time to look around. The office itself was nothing extraordinary, some fancy paintings for sure but nothing particularly peculiar. The swastika banners that hung from each wall in the room must have been just put up, Eggman figured. What really interested the mad scientist were the other humans that wound up in the same room as he. There was himself, the translator, the secretary and Hitler, but some other unfamiliar faces. Four SS guards with their lightning bolt like collar patches made sure that the corners of the room were well protected. Their Mauser Karabiner rifles resting on their shoulders did a good job dissuading Eggman from trying anything rash. Each looked more bored than the previous. The only other person in the room was some guy in his late thirties staring out the window at the crowd below. Eggman could only get a profile of the side of the man's face, but it was better than nothing. The light stubble above the man's lip seemed like it was trying to emulate the much bushier mustache Hitler was sporting, but it still had a way to go before being anything impressive. Neither this man nor Hitler had anything nearly as magnificent as the hairs coming out from above Eggman's lip of course. The circular glasses the man had on reminded Eggman of his own pair before they broke landing on Earth. The thought made him silently curse having to wear the ugly donor pair the Swiss had gifted him.
Eggman tapped with his knuckle on the translator's knee to get his attention. He stiffened with fright at the sudden touch but quickly regained composure. "Who's that guy?" Eggman asked quietly while pointing a finger towards the man looking out the window.
"That's Heinrich Himmler," the translator replied in a hushed voice, almost a whisper, "Please, we must be quiet." Eggman, following instructions, did not reply. He did cross his legs and squirm around in his padded seat to try and get more comfortable much to the dismay of the translator. Eggman tossed his papers onto the desk, leaned back into his chair, and closed his eyes.
A minute passed. Another minute passed. A third minute passed. Detecting Eggman was falling asleep, his watch sent a jolt of electricity through his arm. A fourth minute passed.
A fifth minute passed.
A sixth minute passed.
Another minute passed.
Hitler set his pen down on his desk, and next to his pen he placed his glasses. He slid open a drawer from the desk and gently tossed his journal inside. The wood on wood clapping sound of the drawer colliding with the desk shot Eggman's eyes back wide open.
Hitler's dim blue eyes aimed themselves towards Eggman and calmly said something in his direction. "Uh, the Führer says he has been told you have equipment you wish to show him." The translator said with his voice shaking. "And he apologizes for the delay."
"Of course, Mister Hitler." Eggman replied grabbing his papers back off the desk. The translator echoed Eggman's comment in German. "I have brought three schematics of military equipment to bolster the German arsenal with highly advanced gear that no other country on Earth can produce." Hitler leaned back in his chair and nodded along while listening to the translator. "I alone have the capabilities and expertise to design and mass-produce this equipment while maintaining cost-effectiveness and product reliability." Eggman licked his finger to pull out the top paper from his stack of documents while the translator did his job. "And all I ask for is a place to continue designing military equipment, and in return you and the German military will further your role as the most powerful force on the planet." Hearing the translator, Himmler left his spot looking out the window and made his way towards Hitler's desk to listen along. Eggman did not notice the silent Himmler glide across the floor towards the desk.
To Eggman, the designs he had chosen were already outdated. But given the current technological state the world around him was in, his inventions were just barely feasible if he took over all aspects of production. Eggman spun the paper in his fingers around to reveal the picture of his first document: a stun grenade.
"My first invention is called a 'stun grenade', a non-lethal explosive that temporarily blinds and deafens whoever is unfortunate enough to be caught within the blast region." After the translator finished speaking, Eggman handed Hitler the drawing for him to examine further while Eggman pulled out the technical schematics for the grenade. "It of course has a variety of use, but it works best for both crowd control and clearing out buildings safely. Rather than send a squadron of soldiers into an unknown building to be mowed down, a stun grenade can be used to instantly incapacitate the enemy inside without needing to unnecessarily put our own soldiers in harm's way." Becoming aware of Himmler's presence, Eggman flashed the document towards the German officer to show acknowledgement to him. "From a user standpoint, it works on the same principles as an ordinary grenade: Pull the pin and toss towards the enemy. But rather than send out collateral intensive shrapnel, the stun grenade sends out an ear-shattering noise and blinding light as its payload. It is more difficult to defend against than a traditional grenade while having a larger effective range."
Hitler listened to and pondered at what he was hearing. Despite the language barrier, Eggman could tell there was a hint of confusion as Hitler replied in German. "The Führer is asking why it is non-lethal."
Letting out a small chuckle, Eggman had prepared for this question in advance. "This grenade is another tool for the great German war toolbox. It is not a replacement for a lethal grenade, but rather another means of dealing with an enemy when a traditional grenade is impractical. You don't always want to blow your foe to smithereens, even if you want to, sometimes you just want to destroy their motor functions for twenty seconds. This grenade allows that." As the translator kept talking, Hitler's face slowly unscrunched itself as he became more acceptant of the idea.
"The chemistry behind how it works is rudimentary, but I won't bore you with all the details since I know you are a very busy man. Essentially, you mix magnesium and potassium, two elements readily available here in Germany, and it makes a stun grenade. You can read more about the chemical composition in detail on these design documents." While the translator finished, Eggman handed the technical document over to Hitler. "Do you have any questions about this invention, or do you wish to carry on to the next piece?" Being an art school reject, Hitler enjoyed looking at the technical drawings more than the boring chemical information, and quickly set down the design document.
"No, the Führer says, he wishes to hear about the rest of your devices first."
"Very well." Eggman responded while grabbing the next sheet of paper. "This," a smile flicked across Eggman's face just before he turned the paper to show Hitler the next invention, "is a heat-seeking homing missile. If fired from an aircraft at an enemy plane, it will follow the enemy aircraft without human guidance and destroy the enemy. This eliminates the chance for pilot error and cripples enemy air superiority." Even without knowing German, Eggman could tell the translator was having minor difficulty translating terms like 'heat-seeking' which normally did not come up in conversation. "While certainly more complex than any explosive or aircraft weapon that has ever been produced, it will be trivial for me to create and arm every German plane with if given the proper resources."
Still trying to wrap his head around the concept, Hitler kept silent and let Eggman continue speaking.
"The details are much too complicated to explain in a short time frame; you can read the documentation for full explanations. I'll paraphrase. Essentially hot objects, such as an aircraft, let off heat. This heat is not visible to the human eye, but it is visible in the infrared spectrum." Eggman was aware he was trying to explain rocket science to someone before rockets had been invented, but he continued anyways. "The heat-seeking missile has a sensor at the tip to locate high intensity sources of this infrared light and constantly aims itself at the source. If an enemy plane goes up, this missile will go up. If the plane turns left, the missile turns with it. It will constantly gain on the enemy aircraft until the payload collides and destroys it target. It is fool proof, even the worst of our pilots can down an enemy ace with a single missile." The translator finished translating and neither Hitler nor Himmler spoke back. "Any questions?"
Still leaned back in his chair, Hitler just had one question. "The Führer asks if it works."
"Does it work? Of course it works!" Eggman forcibly leaned forward towards the dictator. "You bring me the materials I request in these documents, and I will make the German aircraft unmatched, an unstoppable force which all other countries will cower at!" Trying to rein himself back, the mad scientist eased the tension by returning to the back of his chair.
"Of course, I can understand that these inventions can seem outlandish, absurd and idealistic, which is why—if you let me indulge you sir—I have brought a prototype of my third and final invention to show you."
Rather than translating the line, the translator's mouth impulsively opened itself for he and the rest of the people in the room were not made aware in advance that Eggman was bringing one of his futuristic killing devices with him to meet one of the most powerful men in the world. He turned and nervously looked at Eggman for a moment hoping it was some sort of engineer inside joke he was not in on. Eggman was not joking. "You brought what exactly!"
The translator was met with a hand wave in his direction from Eggman who did not turn to look at the man. Hitler said something to the translator; the translator did not let Eggman know what was said. With Eggman remaining silent, and Hitler wanting to know what was said, the translator had no choice but to clear his throat and echo what Eggman had said.
It became clear to Eggman that his request was successfully requested when the four Schutzstaffel guards dropped their rifles off their shoulders into their hands and began marching towards and aiming at Eggman. Hearing the commotion behind him, Hitler quickly turned to yell at the guards. A couple shouts and hand gestures later, the guards returned to their corners but kept their guns trained at Eggman. After a brief exchange of words between Hitler and Himmler, Eggman was informed he could proceed.
Reaching into his interior jacket pocket, Eggman grabbed hold of and slowly pulled out his plasma pistol. After making sure the pistol was turned off, he placed the weapon on the desk in front of Hitler. "That, my friend, is a plasma gun. It does not require bullets, just a source of electricity. When the trigger is pulled it shoots a ball of pure energy, plasma, wherever it is pointed. It is extremely quiet, and the shot will disintegrate anything that—" Hitler grabbed the weapon off the desk. "Be careful with that!"
Hitler rotated the weapon around. It was unlike anything he had ever seen or could have imagined. It had the shape of a pistol, it felt form fit for his hand, yet it was still exotic. The grip of the pistol was typical excluding the six-detent potentiometer labeled '0' through '5' located where the safety normally was. The pot was set to '0'. At the center of the black plastic potentiometer dial was a cackling caricature of Eggman himself. On the bottom of the magazine was some sort of gas valve going into the body of the mag with a red 'H' carved next to the valve. Finding the pistol release button, Hitler dropped the magazine into his hand. Hitler spun the magazine around looking for bullets which he was unable to do.
Hitler proceeded to say a full sentence of German words which the translator shortened to "Explain."
"Very well," Eggman replied while sticking out his hand towards Hitler. "If I may." The Führer hesitated for a moment before obliging Eggman's request.
Holding up the magazine for the room to see, Eggman spoke. "This magazine is comprised of two chambers: the upper chamber which enters the pistol first, and the lower chamber." Tapping on the top of the top of the magazine, "The upper chamber is a rechargeable lithium-air battery with two-hundred hours of charge. I will need to design mass producible battery charging stations." Tapping on the bottom of the magazine, "The lower chamber is filled with highly compressed hydrogen gas. It can be refilled using the gas inlet on the bottom. And yes, the 'H' stands for hydrogen."
There was a satisfying click once Eggman slotted the magazine back into the pistol. "When the magazine is inserted into the weapon the gun begins to charge. Current flows from the battery into the potentiometer," Eggman traced a path from the pistol release button to the potentiometer. "The pot is a variable resistor. When set to zero, which it currently is, current is stopped; the gun is effectively off. When set to five the pot allows the full voltage of the battery through. Adjusting the pot adjusts the strength of the gun. From the potentiometer, the current flows into the barrel of the gun." The barrel of the gun was a black rectangular prism. There was not a single curve present above the grip of the pistol. "Inside the barrel is a coil of highly resistive wire which begins to heat up as current flows through. Once sufficiently hot, the lower chamber of the magazine is alerted, and a minute amount of hydrogen is released into the barrel." This entire time, Eggman was pausing to allow his translator to catch up. It was clear to Eggman given the translator's fumbling voice that he had little experience translating electrical components or parts of guns. "Once the hydrogen enters the barrel, it quickly begins to superheat from the coil of wire. After less than a second, the hydrogen is stripped of its lone proton, and it becomes a plasma. The coil of wire of course is acting as an electromagnet this whole time to keep the hydrogen plasma in place. The trigger now unlocks, and the gun can be shot. Pulling the trigger reverses the polarity through the coil wires, ejecting the plasma out of the gun at high speeds." Eggman let the translator finish up before finally paraphrasing, "Electricity is used to shoot hot gas."
Hitler and Himmler had a conversation which Eggman was not made privy to. Finally, Hitler spoke to the translator who spoke to Eggman. "The Führer does not believe you."
Stifling a laugh, Eggman exclaimed out "Then give me something to disintegrate! And if you're unimpressed you can turn the gun on me!" Not knowing how to make Eggman's outburst seem pleasant, the translator repeated Eggman's words into German directly.
Hitler was unphased by Eggman's request and accompanying suicide offer. He thought for a moment, said something to Himmler, Himmler nodded in response, and Hitler rose to his feet. The translator mimicked that action by jumping to his own feet, and Eggman left his chair too despite not understanding why Hitler got up in the first place. Hitler stepped out from behind his desk and started making his way to the door with everyone following a couple steps behind.
It was clear that the bowels of the palace had not been changed much in the past couple hundreds of years; it was mostly just cold cobblestone for much of the basement. In fact, that was exclusively what the room Hitler and his entourage found themselves in was made from. Stone walls, stone floors, stone ceiling. The only things breaking up the monotony of the room was a single wooden bucket in the middle of the room filled with water, a dozen wooden stools, and a dozen men sitting on the dozen wooden stools.
The men ranged from ages young and old, and they were all completely naked. Their bodies were painted with velvet welts and covered in peeling black scabs. They were clean, and each one was blankly staring at the ground while shivering. A metal bar had been run across the length of the ceiling so that each one of the men could have their hands tied above their heads with coarse rope. Upon hearing the leather on stone footsteps from the group arriving, the men instinctively tensed up.
The group stopped and spread out around the edge of the room. Himmler stepped out and walked towards the center of the room where he picked up the bucket and drenched a random man with the frigid water. Once the icy water stabbed into the man, his body involuntarily began to jerk back and forth. He let out a raw, guttural scream devoid of words. It was just his mouth exhaling any air trying to cling to his lungs out of his body. He pulled at the rope tied around his hands, but all this did was dig the rope even deeper into his wrists. Himmler handed the bucket off to one of the guards who took it out of the room. The skin where the water had dowsed the man was rapidly turning a deep salmon.
Not a moment later, Hitler began to shout directly at the man though his message was intended for everyone in the room. Be that the prisoners, or Hitler's group. This message was left untranslated for Eggman. The man, still shivering, used what little strength he had to raise his head and lock eyes with the dictator. He clenched his fist and spit towards Hitler's feet. Without losing a beat in his speech, Hitler made his way towards the man and struck him in the kidneys. Taking the hit like a punching bag, the man forced himself from making any noises which may have revealed his agony.
Turning towards Eggman, Hitler stuck his hand out. Eggman gave him the plasma pistol. Peering at the gun, Hitler decided to spin the potentiometer dial from '0' to '5'. He took aim center mass towards the drenched man who continued to stare down Hitler. Without hesitation, Hitler squeezed the trigger.
Light from the gun bounced and danced off the cobblestone walls bathing everything in a beautiful purple glow unlike anything anyone besides Eggman had seen. And then the light went away, and the room was dim again.
Where the man's heart should have been was gone. His hands remained dangling from the rope and attached to his arms, and his arms remained socketed into his shoulders. On his shoulders still rested his head, but below his shoulders was nothing. There was no chest. His chest was gone. Having nothing to connect themselves to, his legs flopped to the floor with a dull thud. The man's eyes remained open, but they never blinked again.