Shouldn't it mean something when fate keeps on pushing you in the same direction over and over? It's always been Dai kun's direction for me. Even when I think it's wrong, I somehow, someway, find myself pushed towards him with or without my own will.
Last night when I met him, I was so distracted by his presence that I lost my purse. It wasn't in the bar when I called, so I thought it fell somewhere on the street, as Dai would've called me if he had it.
And so I thought, until I received a late call from him. He told me that he found it in his car when he got home last night, and asked if it's a good time for him to bring it to me now, since he'll be passing near my neighborhood in ten minutes. It was past 8 pm, a late time for an FBI agent to be leaving work, so I assumed he hadn't called me about it earlier because he had a busy day.
Only few cars passed on the otherwise quiet street but none of them were Dai's. His awful habit of unpunctuality seemed to never take a break. I didn't mind it, he was doing me a favor after all. I was only concerned about meeting him after the passionate kiss we had shared. I wondered what it meant to him, and how would he react to it. If he would rather address it or pretend it didn't happen. And if my chaste kiss had angered him so much before, then what had the one of last night made him feel?
Not knowing from which direction he'll be appearing, I was staring to my right when I heard a loud roar of an engine from the opposite direction. I turned my head around and spotted a flashy, striped, red mustang that was not at all hard to spot.
The car stopped in front of me followed by Dai stepping out of it. He had a casual jacket on, with black pants, a pair of dark boots, and a scarf. He looked so handsome as he always is, maybe a bit more this time, or maybe it was the sports car effect. His paces were confident and steady. I had to raise my head with each one of them because the closer he got to me, the taller he appeared.
My heart had skipped a beat when he stopped in front of me. It was like a warm wave spreading throughout me, making my whole body tingle and my temperature risen. I looked Dai back and hid all of those feelings behind a smile.
"It's never wise to show up on time for you, is it?"
"I didn't expect the traffic." His deep voice reached me unrelentingly.
If I didn't know better I'd say he was angry about something, but that's Dai kun being Dai kun. And of course, by being himself, he would like to waste no time; the second he finished his sentence he lifted the purse up for me.
"Thank you!" I said as I grabbed it. "I really thought I'll have to renew everything that was in here. You're a savior."
"I didn't do anything. You got lucky it was left in my car and not somewhere else."
"I know. Still, you could've kept it and sold it for few bucks but you didn't, so that counts for something." I joked, but apparently it wasn't funny for Dai who eyed me with a solemn expression.
Instead, he turned his head slightly to the side and opened his mouth. But I feared it! I couldn't let him go so fast, not when I'm not yet satisfied with his greens.
"Um, do you want to come up for a drink?"
"I'm a bit late, so I better get going." Dai simply replied, without even looking at me.
I didn't have high hopes of him accepting my invite yet it still saddened me. He's always late for home anyway, always in a rush to go there. What does his wife do him to make him so punctual?
"But Dai kun, you brought me back my purse. Let me at least treat you for it."
"Don't worry about it." He said. With the same solemn tone and expression. The same ignoring gaze that found more interest on the building behind me than on my face.
My eyebrows drew together when I processed his response. So that's how he decided to handle the kiss we had shared, by denying it, denying all of the feelings it ignited in both of us. That didn't trouble me as much as his coldness and distance. This would probably be the last time he ever comes near me. I could easily tell. I know when he decides to keep something away from his life, and I know just how determined he gets when he decides on that.
"Okay." I muttered with a half-choking voice. And I knew that I needed to get it under control before that I say anything else. Luckily, Anna appeared at the right moment.
She was back early from her evening jog because she had plans to meet with her friends. But since she found me there with Dai, she seemed to have dismissed her Rendez-vous completely.
"Aren't you gonna introduce me to this handsome?" She asked, with a cheeky smile.
I was so lucky she got there at that moment. Because, not only that she saved me from potentially breaking in front of him, she managed to get him to come up with us to the apartment. All it took was for her to shamelessly ask for his help with a thing that required men power. We were two weak girls living alone, so her new-old wardrobe has been standing in the living room for three days already.
Dai kun didn't really wanna come up. I saw the subtle hesitance on his face when he turned to the side in thought before that he turned back to us and nodded, out of nothing but gentlemanliness.
That didn't change when he was up either. He got to the job immediately without wasting a second and headed back towards the door soon as he finished. I stood meters away in the living room, watching him with crossed arms. I didn't even bother trying to stop him, not after how he's been treating me, not after his warning about how he doesn't like things imposed on him. I would be faced with his rejection and pain either way. He wouldn't even turn my way or look me in the eye properly for me to get a chance to speak up.
Anna, however, had a different opinion. She definitely had more guts than me to walk over to him and push him back into the living room.
"It's not convenient to come into our home and help us and not get something as little as a drink. It's just one drink, won't take long of your time." She told him.
Dai finally turned to look at me. So I swallowed the heavy feelings and smiled at him warmly. "We got your favorite."
For the next twenty minutes or so, we were all standing in the kitchen with scotch shots in our hands. Anna was so interested in knowing more about the FBI job, she found it so interesting that Dai kun was a special agent, the first one she meets, and she asked him about it lots. She had an ability to get on people's good side so fast, and Dai wasn't an exception, since he cleared her inquiries patiently and seemed to be amused with her quirks.
For all this time, Dai was leaning against the kitchen counter with Anna standing in front of him. And I was left on the side barely adding to the conversation. He didn't look my way nor spoke to me. And except for the few times Anna turned to ask me something or ask why am I quiet, I was quiet. I didn't have any desire to speak when I saw his willingness to let go of me, as if our last kiss was only my fault. It was hard to be chatty when all I had in my mind was Dai leaving, that he is planning to cut me off, that it is probably the last time I ever have him near.
A loud ringtone cut through Anna's amused giggle. They were her fiends, who'd already gathered and had only her missing in the group. She prepared to join them, but of course, she needed to embarrass me before leaving.
"You two, behave yourselves in my absence." She smirked. God that girl! How I wanted to smack her on the spot.
I already had my cheeks reddened from Anna's words. Then it got even worse when I heard the apartment door close behind her. It made the heat rise in me. That confirmation that there was no one but me and Dai kun left inside the apartment, I couldn't even believe it was happening.
Dai still leaned against the counter, with his eyes looking behind Anna's trail. And I stayed in my place to his right. I felt too nervous to speak, too scared to even look his way. I felt like any movement I would do or any voice I would make will make him wanna leave the place immediately.
For a moment, everything fell awfully quiet. Even the big gulp that he sipped from his drink sounded too loud through the otherwise deadly silence.
"Do you want some more?" I finally asked, low and hesitant.
"I'm good." Dai muttered.
Without turning his head around, he placed his drink on the countertop behind him, unfinished.
He's gonna want to leave next. I knew it. And it would probably be the last time that I see him. It's obvious from his actions the whole time, I know him well. All these weeks it was either me going to find him or faith making our paths cross, but none of these could help me forever if he wanted to cut me out of his life.
But after everything that happened, I just couldn't let go of him. That full awareness of his love, I just couldn't! I felt like I wanted to clutch to him and bring him back to my side. But it was wrong. And unfair. It made me hate myself to have these thoughts and urges.
"In any way, I should go now." His voice soon broke through, announcing what I already had foreseen.
My hands tightened on the drink in my hand. I didn't even think when I placed the glass on the counter and stepped to stand closer to Dai. My heart thumped to his closeness, to his scent that invaded my nostrils so sweetly, making my stomach turn into complete chaos.
From the side, his curls looked loose and natural. But something about his face made him look strange. His eye bags were accentuated, and his eyes looked faded and tired. His lips were a bit pale and chopped but I didn't let my eyes linger long on them, when I knew the inevitable result of it.
My gaze was burning on him. I was fearing him leaving, fearing this time being the last time I ever get to see him. Dai kun, however, looked everywhere but me. He was staring ahead at the kitchen door where was the hallway that leads outside. But I couldn't let him go there, not yet.
"You look tired." I noted quietly.
"Long day at work."
I lifted my hand up and carefully placed it on Dai's elbow. It was my body's natural reaction when I feared him leaving at any second. I needed the reassurance of holding him, even if it was a pretense to ease his bad feelings.
It really scares me how much I lose control over myself when it's about him. How daring I get to become. How I would do things I never imagine myself doing in a million years. But I loved him so so much that his presence with me felt like a need rather than a want. The thought of him cutting me out of his life felt frightening! Even though I accepted it before, seeing him in front of me made me feel differently.
Slow and gentle, I lifted my hand further up his arm. The breath was trapped in my lungs, fearing his next move. I felt like I was dealing with a bomb that could be set out at any second.
Dai's muscles twitched to my gentle touches. I eyed him intently from the side and saw him lick his lips, then swallow, and then, he turned to look at me.
It felt so satisfying to finally get to look deeply and closely into his eyes. They looked mesmerizing. Slowly and inevitably, I found myself leaning my head towards him. I didn't know if he wanted this too, but I couldn't stop myself from getting closer and closer, encouraged by the fact that he wasn't moving away. I was moving very slowly, calculating every bit of distance, fearing him running away.
Dai stared at me frozen as I continued to approach him. Then in a sudden moment, he started reciprocating my movement, very slowly. My stomach tingled violently as I watched his face get closer, with each passing second, a centimeter closer, as though we were drawn to each other by an invisible force.
I felt more butterflies pour into my stomach when I got too close to his lips. I was aching to kiss them again. And I almost reached there, when he suddenly turned his head slightly to the side, shutting his eyes close.
My head froze in place. I took in a deep breath, biting my lower lip almost too violently. I wasn't yet ready to give up. I couldn't let him leave now, not now, I would die if he left! My body ached to his closeness that I missed so much. Why can't he see that he's better off with me? That I could make him happier? I thought, as I placed my hands on his neck. I wanted to pass it all over him, on all the spots that I had long since missed. I ran my fingers up his jaw, and cupped his cheeks. I stroked and caressed him, feeling the warmth of his soft skin. Slowly, hungrily. I pushed my hands further back through the curls of his hair. I missed everything in him and wanted to be reminded of it all.
With my right hand on his cheek, I slowly turned his head back to face me. My heart thumped even louder as I closed the distance and printed a soft kiss on his lips. This time, Dai kun returned it, slow and soft. It felt so good to me, that soft feeling with the hint of scotch. Until he pulled back.
"...This is wrong." Dai's voice was a mere rough whisper. "…We shouldn't do this."
I didn't say anything in return. I just ignored what he said and stepped closer to him, hugging him tight in desperation. I knew it was wrong at the back of my mind, but not right then it didn't feel like it. I was ready to do anything to let him stay with me. I despised the thought of him leaving. It frightened me! Especially after what we had started, he will never want to see me again after.
I pressed my whole body against Dai's chest, leaving only the thin fabric of our shirts to separate us. It was as though I was drowning and he was the last escape that I couldn't let go of. And in a way, he was just that.
I still feared him leaving, but he didn't. He was not moving anymore in my embrace, not flinching, not pulling back. I shut my eyes and brought my face closer to his neck, letting my hot breath caress his skin. He still hadn't moved. It only confirmed more what I already knew from our previous encounters. I could tell that he wanted this too, just the fact that he still stood here, that he kissed me back, that he didn't leave. All of those things…
Seeing that he hadn't tried to stop me, my hand wandered downward and I pressed my fingers on him in a way that no man could resist. I swallowed, fearing what he would do next. I heard him take in a sudden gasp, followed by a shaky breath. The next thing I felt was Dai pushing me away with a jerk, almost soon as I touched him there, so strongly that I almost stumbled and fell back.
Dai moved immediately. He rushed outside the kitchen hurriedly before I could even regain my balance. That bomb that I feared was ticking blew up and it was definitely the last time that I see him.
I rushed to the hallway behind him without knowing what to do or say. I felt like I'd messed up everything. Like I lost him. That the moment he sets foot outside the apartment I won't ever see him again and I had no way of reversing it. Just the thought made my eyes warn me of a stream of upcoming tears.
"I'm sorry." I said as I walked behind him. But he remained silent. "Dai kun."
"I'm not Dai."
He only stopped at the door to get his jacket.
"Dai kun!" I repeated louder, feeling myself at the bottom of desperation and helplessness.
Before he could leave with the jacket in his hand, I clutched to his shirt to stop him.
"Would you look at me, for a moment, before you leave, please."
"I need to go." He tried to take a step forward. But I still clutched to his shirt, pulling him back.
"Please!" I repeated, softly, with a broken voice.
Dai kun stayed there with his back facing me. Only after a moment of silence that he turned over his shoulder slowly. I heard him swallow. When he finally turned, he looked almost distressed. Green eyes rounded as though mentally begging me to release him.
My eyes were already teary when he looked. I couldn't accept this as the last time I'd see him. I didn't want it to end this way between us.
"I'm sorry. I-I don't want to do this, I don't mean… I-I know that you have someone else now, and I know it's wrong." A tear escaped my eyes as I approach him further. I was watching him with clear eyes, still clutching to the fabric of his shirt, to his skin that was probably hurting from my tight desperate clutches. "But, Dai kun… I missed you so much."
When a new tear threatened to come out I lowered my head down to not let him see it. He had his chin up anyway and was looking me down. I brought my head down near his neck, out of pure weakness that took over my muscles. I wasn't thinking about him leaving and wasn't scared anymore at that moment. I was at the point where everything I had built had already fell broken down. I couldn't lose anything anymore.
"I missed kissing you, and running my fingers through your hair, I missed everything we had…". I muttered with closed eyes. My weakness got me down till I laid my forehead on his shoulder. I loved him so strongly that I wanted to rest there forever. "…Do you understand me? Do you understand how I feel?"
I let my fingers caress him with every word, and my hot breath hit his skin slowly. When I pulled back to look at his face, I found his eyes had darkened, staring intently at my lips. I used that moment to cup his cheeks and fix his head on me.
"Do you not miss me too?" I asked, watching him follow the movement of my lips.
Dai was only silent. I got up on my tiptoes to bring our faces closer. I stared at his lips like he was staring at mine but didn't dare to approach them despite being mere centimeters away. I feared him leaving again. Cause I would die if he leaves. His warm breath on my skin made me lose my strength, but I hanged in there regardless, tightening my grip and pushing my body further up so that our eyes could be at the same level.
"Dai kun." I whispered, and he still stared at my lips.
The seconds felt like an eternity with us both stuck in that position. Dai wasn't moving, except his chest that rose and sank repeatedly giving rise to rough breaths. And he didn't move when I approached him either. He only moved when I pressed my lips against his. Dai jerked his head immediately and pressed tighter against my mouth, fierce and desperate.
And so we kissed… I wanted to drown in this feeling of him, in his closeness, his intimacy, his smell, his taste, the growing desire.
Dai kun let all of his masks crumble at that moment, all the holding back and reserves he's been acting to have. From his touches and the way he held me it was obvious how much he had missed me too, how much he had craved this as I did. So much that he couldn't wait but rush things. He was rough and desperate. And I gave him everything he needed.
Within a second, he turned me around to the wall and pressed me there, giving rise to a loud thud. He deepened our kiss even further as if he wasn't getting enough. We were both lost in that moment, as we kissed hungrily, and passionately…
Everything else fell away as I slowly led him to my bedroom…