Author's Notes: I don't what made me think of this song in the first place. My 'eureka' moment came one evening when my sister called me. I forgot I had placed it as one of my ringtones. I am glad that she did call that evening because it made my Muse start to contemplate exactly what to do with this chapter.
Starting this month, updates may become slow. My coworker leaves this month and it will be down to the wire for me to begin learning other Assistant duties. Also, I am going to try to get my Muse to begin working on the next chapter for A Jealous Betrayal. I have been having many requests for that one to be updated and I promised myself I would get started on it.
So, do enjoy!
When My Heart Shatters
By Utena
Wait, wait, wait
Don't leave me
Wait, wait, wait
Don't leave me
Where you going? Where you going?
Why you leaving?
(Wait)
I can't lose you, I can't lose you
Girl I need you, girl I need you
(Wait)
And don't you love me? Don't you love me?
Guess you don't want me, you don't want me
(Wait)
We back and forth, yeah, this ain't working, this ain't working
Love ain't perfect, love ain't perfect
I'm holding on to pieces of us
That I just can't let go
I know this is a desperate kind of love
But it feels like it's home
Where you going? (Where you going?)
I'm holding on to pieces of us
'Cause I just can't let go
Wait, wait, wait
Don't leave me
Wait, wait (wait)
What you thinking? What you thinking?
Where's your mind at?
(Wait)
Don't you miss us, don't you miss us
'Cause you don't call that, you don't call that
(Wait)
Are you happy? Tell me are you happy?
Are you smiling? Are you smiling?
(Wait)
Girl what happened? Tell me, girl what happened?
'Cause I am dying, I am dying
I'm holding on to pieces of us
That I just can't let go
I know this is a desperate kind of love
But it feels like it's home
Where you going? (Where you going?)
I'm holding on to pieces of us
'Cause I just can't let go
We don't wanna have a conversation
We don't wanna think about it, we wanna just fake it
We just wanna act like everything is great
Go back to the day watchin' movies in the basement
And the problem is now I'm feeling like everything is changed
And I'm trying to make a livin' on the music
But I feeling every time I look at you I'm in a place
It's hard to be the man of the house when you ain't gotta house (I hate this)
It's complicated, it's complicated
We don't wanna talk, it's complicated
I'm sitting in the hotel room like, "Why?"
Call your phone and apologize
There's gotta be a way we can make this right
We can make this right
-Wait by NF
Please Kagome….
Glancing at the text message, Kagome was not sure how to answer it. For nearly an hour and a half, Sesshomaru had been texting her and she had simply been ignoring them altogether. In fact, she had stopped looking at her phone laying it down next to her, and letting it vibrate with each message. She could feel the small pieces of her breaking with each buzz.
There had been moments here and there that she wanted so much to pick it up and answer them, but she knew she had to keep her resolve. He had left her and made it quite clear that she had been replaced in his heart. It had hurt her so much that he had done this to her. She had tried so many times to try to please him and yet he had turned away from her. She knew some of the pressure for an heir had caused some of the distance between them, but they did not offer him an alternative in taking Sango as a mistress. No, that had been on him.
In truth, she was surprised that he had finally realized that she was gone and now he was just trying to reach out to her with the hopes that her soft heart will give him some form of redemption, but it really had not. It had only strengthened her resolve to break free from him and begin anew even if it meant raising their child alone.
Instinctively, her hand moved down to the child safe in her womb. Part of her hated the notion of never telling him that he had finally had his heir. She had been struggling with this information ever since Inuyasha had smelled her pregnancy on her the moment of her arrival. She knew that he had a right to know that his heir would be born soon, but at the same time she realized that it would halt all the plans that were being flurried about her. She knew that Kimi was doing everything to protect her especially now. Kimi had been adamant they move her from Hawaii as if she knew something and Kagome could only surmise that eventually, Toga would make some unannounced arrival prior to the Council meeting.
Another buzz broke through her thoughts and she turned her gaze back to the cell phone at her side. In that brief second, she contemplated throwing the phone out the window. She had even reached for it, grasping it tightly in her dainty little hands and rising from her bed preparing to toss it out the window and into the small man-made pond that Inuyasha had built for Kikyo.
That was until the phone started ringing.
Kagome turned the phone over to see who was calling her.
Sesshomaru.
Kagome debated answering it. She was intending on throwing it out the window, but her heart begged her to answer it…to hear him out one final time.
"Moshi Moshi," she answered softly.
Sesshomaru was sitting in his car. The engine had long since cooled and the western-style mansion with its Greek columns and water fountain in the middle of the courtyard driveway was dark. He had come to his sire's home with the hopes of trying to his father to help him salvage what was left of his mating before the Council made their ruling. He knew it was a longshot seeing as how the last time he had been in his father's presence, the older Taisho had made it quite clear that he was on Kagome's side of things, but he also knew that his father could easily persuade Kagome to contemplate a reconciliation. He knew Kagome had always had a soft spot for Toga and she often would fondly call him "Inupapa."
But first, he wanted a chance to try his hand in reaching out to her. He reached for his cell phone off to the side and began texting a series of messages to Kagome's phone with the hopes of her answering at least one of them.
Yet with the hour passing into another, she had not even offered any sort of reply to any of his texts. He was becoming frustrated with her refusal to answer him. He was doing everything he could to hold onto her and she would not reach back for him.
With a sigh, he knew there was only one way to reach her and that was to call her.
Quickly, he dialed her number with the hope she would answer.
"Moshi Moshi."
"Kagome," he whispered her name as if she were the fountain he sought to drink from, "please don't hang up."
"What is it you want, Sesshomaru?" Kagome inquired sharply on the other end. "Has Sango left you? Is this way you are calling me now?"
Sesshomaru bowed his head. "I would like for us to talk if that is possible."
"Talk?" She scoffed into her phone. "You had plenty of chances to do this before. Why now? Why, Sesshomaru? Are you trying hard to save face before the Council? Afraid that they will remind you of your failure to keep your promise to them?"
"There has to be a way to make this right again," he argued softly.
"No," she returned coldly, "you had plenty of chances to make all of this right, but you choose to break not only our mating but my heart. Was I not good enough for you?"
Sesshomaru said nothing.
"What was wrong with me, Sesshomaru?" She continued feeling the tears threatening to fall again as her voice broke into almost a sob. "I loved you so much and I would have done anything for you. I never thought you would be the one to break my heart. You destroyed me, Sesshomaru. You took my heart, my love, and stomped all over it."
He could hear the heartbreak in her tone even as she was trying to hide. Sesshomaru closed his eyes trying to keep his own emotions in check, but in the back of his mind, he could feel his demon rattling his chains angrily. He could hear the chains groan as his demon battled to take control from him…to soothe his female…to offer her every part of his soul to her.
Briefly, Sesshomaru opened his eyes. Red had started to bleed into the white of his eyes as he struggled to regain control. His demon was growing strong, but Sesshomaru was stronger, and he would not allow the demon a chance to take away his chance.
Let me out, he could hear his beast snarl angrily but Sesshomaru ignored him turning his attention once more to his phone. You cannot keep me caged like this! I will undo every bit of damage you have done to her!
The red was receding from his eyes and once more he turned his attentions to the present conversation at hand.
"I know I was wrong," he stated truthfully.
"Wrong?" She scoffed again. "This conversation is over, Sesshomaru, and so is our mating. I am done. I think we should dissolve this relationship and go our separate ways. This will give you the playing field to have Sango without having to hide it from the world."
"This is not what I want," Sesshomaru began.
"This is what I want," Kagome cut him off. "You made your bed, Sesshomaru, and now you will have to sleep in it. This time without me in it. I hope you and Sango have a good life and I hope she gives you what you believe I could never do. Goodbye Sesshomaru."
The phone call ended.
Sesshomaru removed his cell from his ear and glanced down at the phone. His hope for redemption had been crushed cruelly by Kagome's hand as she had made it clear she was not going to listen to anything he had to say.
And what had been worse was the fact that his beast had even come close again to breaking the chains he had held him in.
You hurt our mate, his demon hissed angrily. Her hurt – I can taste it…. feel it. You have damaged everything we had worked hard for. I feel everything from her.
Sesshomaru ignored his beast and exited his car. His only hope lay inside the mansion. He moved across the paved courtyard and up the stairs to the front door. He did not bother knocking. Instead, he inserted the key he had and turned it, opening the door. The mansion was dark, and he could only surmise that his human stepmother had gone to sleep. His father, on the other hand, he knew would still be awake and in his office. Much like himself, his father rarely slept preferring the stay awake and continue whatever work was necessary.
But Sesshomaru was certain his father was not working this night. No, his father was possibly preparing to go before the Yokai Council in just a few short days. He needed to stop him – to appeal to his soft side and hope that his father would be swayed to his side.
Sesshomaru ascended the grand staircase and made his way toward his father's office. There he paused in front of his door trying to find the courage to knock on his door. Sesshomaru had never been a coward before in his life. He had lived his entire life carving out a name from underneath the heavy shadow of his father's. He had made the demon world tremble and fall to their knees in fear whenever his name had been uttered. He had been the youngest pureblooded yokai to ever reach daiyokai status and in power, he had even eclipsed his own father.
And yet, he still envied his father. Toga had power. Toga had prestige and could command the Yokai Council to his whims. Of course, there had been a time long ago that most of the yokai society had turned their backs on his father.
His father.
His proud and noble father had become a social outcast for tossing his pureblooded mate aside and taking a human woman as his second mate. It had been devastating to his mother. He could remember the tears that fell nightly as she tried to understand Toga's decision to cast her aside. Because of his witnessing his mother's grief, he had vowed never to do the same to his own mate.
But he had and now he would pay the price before the Yokai Council.
Toga leaned back in his chair. He played his previous conversation with his youngest and the kit over in his head. He could not understand their determination to keep him from talking to Kagome. No matter how hard he had tried to get them to see his side, they pushed back refusing any notion of a compromise. He knew the kit would ensure that his mother would never be within feet of himself or his eldest, but Toga had to find a way to reach her and discuss this matter personally with her. It would only be the right way for him to know what her state of mind was. He needed to know where she stood on this subject and with the two boys stubbornly standing in his way, he knew there would be no way for him to find out either.
Sighing, Toga rose from the confines of his leather chair and took one last glance toward the call monitor. He should try calling Kagome's cell. He knew that there would be a possibility of her answering and then there was the slim chance the boys would too.
Toga ran a clawed hand through his silvery hair. He hated not being able to talk to Kagome. He knew there would only be one way to do so and that would be to go to Inuyasha's home in Hawaii without an announcement. He knew his youngest would not be thrilled with the idea of his unannounced visit, but it would be the only way for him to see Kagome.
It was at that moment that Toga's decision had been made. In the morning, he would call for his plane to be fueled and ready within the hour for his and Izayoi's departure to Hawaii.
With that decision firmly within his mind, he moved across the wooden floor toward the door, throwing it open only to find his eldest there on the other side of the door. The boy looked miserable and so defeated. Sesshomaru was normally immaculate in his appearance seeing to it that every bit of him was pressed and presentable, but the Sesshomaru before him had his pulled apart, his white shirt half-button and untucked from his black slacks.
His own heir looked like a mess.
"Father," Sesshomaru greeted his sire in a hoarse voice, "I need your help."
It took only a second for Toga's surprised look to be schooled once more into his normal stoic returned to his features as he gestured for his heir to come into the room.
"What help do you want, pup?" His father inquired closing the door quietly to ensure that Izayoi was not alerted to their late-night guest. He really did not understand why his eldest son would seek him out at this very moment especially when the last they had seen each other, Toga had been adamant about the Yokai Council.
"I want to save my mating to Kagome," Sesshomaru spoke up after a few moments. "Please, father."
Toga could hear the desperation in his heir's tone. Part of him desperately wanted to offer him the help he sought him for, but the other part of him wanted to throttle the boy for what he had done to put him in the situation in the beginning.
"Why should I help you gain back Kagome?" Toga growled angrily. "Why should I help you return Kagome when I am certain you will only go back to breaking her heart again? I have lost faith in you, Pup. To see you do what you did to her, I am not sure I want to help you."
"I love her," Sesshomaru offered.
"Love?" Toga scoffed turning his angry amber eyes to his eldest child. He brought his fist down onto his desk nearly causing the wooden piece to break into two pieces. He never thought a simple phrase would make him so angry at his eldest. "You don't know what love is Sesshomaru. You have not grasped the understanding and deep meaning of the word. It is only now you think you understand it, but I don't believe you really have."
Briefly, there was silence between them.
Toga sighed and sank once more down into his leather chair. He looked up at Sesshomaru and tried to understand his son's reasoning. The boy still had a lot to learn.
"Sit down, pup," Toga ordered. "This conversation is far from finished."
Chapter End