Chapter 8: Trouble In Paradise
Joel tried to go back to sleep. He almost succeeded... which was progress, he reckoned.
He couldn't say what had awoken him. Generally speaking, if he woke up in the middle of the night, it was Ellie-related. Probably nine times out of ten. And... maybe eight of those nine times, he never even fully woke up. But he knew this time wasn't one of those, because she wasn't there. She hadn't stirred... or made a noise... or kicked him on accident... no, he could feel she was gone. He knew it before he even slung his arm across her side, finding nothing but cool sheets.
She could be in the bathroom, and I just didn't hear her get up, was his first groggy thought. It wasn't like he woke up every time the girl moved. Maybe she started feeling sick again?
But it was too goddamn quiet for too long. "Ellie?" he finally called out. If she was within earshot, she always answered him. Always put his mind at ease.
When the silence persisted, he told himself she'd gone for a walk. She'd done it before. No matter how many times he told her to wake him up if she couldn't fall asleep, she rarely did - and then it was only when she had an irrepressible urge to talk to him. "You need your rest," she would rationalize it later. Meaning, he was old. To be fair, he didn't wake her up when he had trouble sleeping, either (a fact she would throw in his face with relish if he chided her for not waking him).
She might be getting tired of my hovering... Joel didn't want to irritate her (much), and he sure as hell didn't want to end up pushing her away. Go back to sleep, old man.
...But... goddamnit... I sleep so much better with her beside me... Truth be told, he hardly ever had trouble sleeping these days. Life on the beach was too idyllic for that. He'd thought they had it good in Jackson (well, until that last month or so), but here, he and Ellie didn't even have to hide who they were. They were accepted as is.
He almost drifted off... but then the voice started in. It was hard to ignore the motherfucker, once it got going. What if something happened? What if she's hurt? What if she needs you, and you're just laying here-
It was ludicrous as hell. They were safe. No one had burst in and ripped Ellie out of his arms while they were asleep. He wasn't that oblivious, even when he was sleeping like a log.
Would it kill you to go take a look around, though, asshole? Just in case?
...That ain't the point. The point is you have to LET GO. You can go look around, find her down on the beach... safe and sound... then what? Join her? Leave her be, because if she'd wanted your company, she would've asked for it?
Joel argued with himself for God knows how long before finally deciding it was time to get up and appease the worry-voice. Not just the voice, but... his gut. He couldn't ignore the fact that his 'Ellie sense' was now telling him something was wrong - but that was so unlikely that clearly it had to be wrong. It's gotten too chummy with that goddamn VOICE!
He checked the bathroom first - of course, she wasn't passed out on the floor or anything. He noted that her clothes were missing from the bedroom floor. He even checked her drawer in case he hadn't heard her put them away... and the hamper, in case she'd decided they were too dirty (even though he knew they weren't - not by her current standards). He found her holster belt in its usual place... but one of her guns was missing. The 9-millimeter. And her switchblade was gone.
He could see she wasn't in the rest of the suite. But damned if he didn't shine his flashlight everywhere, just to make sure. He found that the front door was unlocked - and he was positive he'd made sure it was locked before going to bed; he usually checked that no less than three times over the course of an evening. Clearly, Ellie had stepped out (and the door could not be locked from the outside, so he couldn't fault her for leaving it open); the unlocked door didn't tell him anything he hadn't already deduced. At least she's armed... but that knowledge didn't do much to put his gut at ease.
Joel pulled on his jeans, then his boots... splashed water on his face... he even rinsed the sleep out of his mouth, in case she wanted a kiss when he found her down on the damn beach, safe and sound.
He was about to grab a T-shirt out of his drawer when he heard footsteps approaching... they weren't even that close yet, but since the bedroom window was open, he could hear a bit farther than just outside the door. It has to be her... however, a couple of other wild possibilities flitted through his brain, and he strode around the bed to grab his pistol off the nightstand. He waited in the bedroom, just beside the doorway so that the wall provided cover.
Then... silence. No knock. No door opening.
Joel wondered how long he should-
"Joel, it's me."
Ellie must have seen his light through the front window, as the curtains weren't opaque... or even all the way closed, incidentally. She knew better than to burst in unannounced. He set the gun down and went back out to the front room with his flashlight to greet her. "All right," he called to her, because for some reason she still hadn't come inside. "It's open." Damnit... she pretty much caught me red-handed in worrying about her, when I'm supposed to be trying to wean myself off that habit.
The door opened.
"Christ - Ellie, what happened?" He moved the flashlight beam over her as she stepped through the doorway, struck by her disheveled appearance - and is that blood on her pants or-
"Can you turn that off? Or just... away from me..."
He couldn't, though - he had to know - "What happened?" he repeated, moving towards her.
She brushed past him, heading for the bathroom. "Don't... just don't, okay? If you touch me I'm going to fucking cry, and I really don't want to right now."
What the HELL...? "Ellie. You've got to tell me what-"
"I do - I do have to tell you. And I will. I promise. Right after I take a shower. Okay? Is that okay?" she added feebly, pausing in front of the bathroom door... still not looking at him. So many locks of hair had come loose from her ponytail that she might as well not have bothered putting it up.
"Of course." Can't see her face that well with her head bowed like that... "As long as... you ain't hurt, are you?"
"No." She laid her gun by the sink and stepped into the bathroom. "The blood isn't mine," she added.
Thank God. But obviously something bad had happened to her. And she was acting weird. She hated taking showers here, with no hot water. To take one in the middle of the night... the moon wasn't bright enough to shine a sufficient amount of light through the skylight, and Ellie did not suffer the dark well - better than she used to, but... no. She'd need to bring a flashlight in there. Or...
"I'll light you a candle," he offered. Candles weren't plentiful, so they only used them sparingly, but this felt like an appropriate time... and she didn't object.
When he brought the lit candle into the bathroom, he saw that she had only removed her sweatshirt. It was that cute beach bunny one that Sophie had given her... crumpled in a heap on the floor, and Ellie stood there, staring down at her feet, her back to him. He couldn't tell if there was blood or dirt spattered on the sweatshirt; it appeared to be relatively clean. The front of her jeans, though... those definitely had blood spattered on them. Mostly the upper half. Joel set the candle holder down on the toilet tank and came up behind her. "Hey-"
She jumped a goddamn mile, and he hadn't even touched her, or sneaked up on her or anything. "Joel - I'm sorry. I'll tell you everything, after... after I shower..." But again, she just stood there, facing the shower and not getting undressed.
"Ellie, you're scarin' me here. What-"
"I'm okay," she assured him - although it was obviously a damn lie. "I'm okay. That's all you need to know right now. Don't freak out, okay?"
He wondered what she meant by that, but he didn't have to wonder long; the marks on the sweatshirt were nothing compared to what he saw on the front of her T-shirt when she took it off - took both of them off, the long- and the short-sleeved, together. She let them drop to the floor on top of the sweatshirt.
How in the hell did she get all that blood underneath? She must not've been wearing that sweatshirt when it... when whatever happened, happened... she was inside... was she in someone's suite? Joel had to stop himself from asking her again what had happened. "Can I shower with you?" he asked instead. "To help keep you warm?"
She... twitched?
"Is that a yes?" he asked.
A more perceptible nod this time.
"Okay. All right. Let me help-"
"I've got it," she cut him off.
Joel undressed himself, watching as Ellie slowly slid her blood-spattered jeans off... removed her underthings (...at least THOSE aren't covered in blood... that's a good sign, right?...)...
She didn't let him touch her until they were both in the shower - where of course she was freezing her ass off under the cold water. Joel preferred hot showers, too, as he reckoned most folks did, but he'd gotten used to the colder ones. He wrapped his arms around her and pulled her close... kissed the side of her head... which also had blood on it, he could see now... her face wasn't bloody, and he wondered if she'd washed it someplace. It looked a bit discolored, though, on her left side, even in the soft candle light... like maybe she was developing a bruise there. It was difficult to see with the frosted shower door diffusing the light.
"I'll wash your hair, all right?" he murmured. But when he started to pull away to grab the shampoo... is she crying? I thought she was trembling from being cold... "Hey. Ellie. Can you look at me, baby girl?"
She shook her head, then buried it in his chest.
Now he was sure she was crying. "Jesus... Ellie..."
"I'm sorry, Joel," she sobbed. "I'm sorry... so sorry..."
"For what? Hm?" Maybe this was her way of starting the conversation about what had happened?
But she didn't answer him. Just started sobbing harder... loud enough that he could hear it over the running water. That was really unlike her.
"Sshhhh... it's okay," he soothed. He really wanted to get her out of the cold and into some nice warm clothes as soon as possible... and then talk about what had transpired tonight.
Eventually, they managed to wash all traces of blood from her hair and body. Joel would estimate they were in the shower a good twenty minutes. He was thoroughly chilled when they got out... Ellie had to be freezing. He grabbed the candle and ushered her out of the bathroom to the little sink area just outside of it, hoping to spare her the sight of those bloody clothes... especially since she was calm now. Too calm; she was shivering violently, teeth chattering and all, yet uttering no complaints about the cold.
He fetched Ellie her fuzzy blue robe and wrapped it around her... a sky-blue thing with puffy smiley-clouds all over it. Cute as hell, if a little big on her. Much cuter than the gray-and-burgundy 'old man' robe (Ellie didn't like it when he referred to it as such, but that's exactly what it looked like) that he put on himself. Too bad her bunny slippers are at home... she had once promised (or threatened, rather) to find him a matching pair, but thankfully, had never followed through.
The shivering subsided. He offered to brush her hair... she liked when he did it, and she seemed to have forgotten about the task now... but she just grabbed the brush, yanked it half-ass-edly through her hair, and tossed it aside. Joel followed her over to the loveseat sofa and set the candle on the little end table beside it.
She didn't sit down, though. Just walked over to the window and looked out. "How is it still dark out? This is the longest night ever."
Joel had no idea what time it was. He might get a better idea if he went outside and looked at the sky, but it wasn't important. "You wanna get some sleep before-"
"No," she answered promptly.
He planted himself in the... oversized, if not exactly overstuffed, chair. It was her favorite place to snuggle with him, outside of bedtime; the two of them filled it up perfectly. And, unlike the lounge chair, there was no danger of breaking it. "All right. Come sit with me, then."
She turned away from the window slowly... seemingly reluctant to look at him. Even though she'd stopped crying. He knew that crying embarrassed her, and he wished it wouldn't. Not with him. She glanced at him... then looked down. "I can't," she mumbled.
"You can't what?" Joel was puzzled. She let me hold her in the shower...
"I ruined everything," she lamented softly.
He was accustomed to such dramatic declarations from her... "never"s and "always"s that lasted all of one day, at times... but he got the feeling this one was serious. He just hoped it wasn't as bad as she thought. "You always feel better after you talk to me," he reminded her. "Come here an' let me make it better."
She stared at her bare feet (he should've grabbed her socks). "You don't understand."
He'd heard that before, too. "Then help me understand," he pleaded softly.
"You won't," she moaned. "I know you won't. I have to tell you, though, and it's-" She cut herself off. Bit her lip.
What in seven hells is the matter?! Joel wanted to scream at her. He wasn't angry with her, just frustrated. Maybe I LOOK mad... shit... He tried to soften his expression. "I ain't mad at you. I just wanna help you. Talk to me, baby girl. Please."
She seemed to be fighting tears again. "You can't help me, and you will be mad at me - and I can't... sit with you like that..." She did sit on the sofa, though. Draped over the arm of it... facing away from him, her face buried in her arms.
He wondered why she wouldn't want to sit with him... IS she actually hurt? She'd rather stretch out on the sofa because she's too sore to curl up on me? He hadn't found any new cuts or bruises in the shower, although the lighting had been so dim, he couldn't be sure. There was just the one that appeared to be blossoming on her face... also hard to see in the candlelight. Did she have some kind of accident, or... did someone maybe... God help the son of a bitch who hit her!
Joel tried not to imagine the worst; it would only anger him. She clearly wanted to tell him what had happened - he just had to be patient and coax it out of her. He moved to the couch, gingerly sitting down beside her... as if she might bolt at the intrusion. He started to reach over to stroke her hair, then thought better of it. "Would you mind if I pet your hair?" he asked instead. "Is that all right?"
She mumbled something that sounded like "okay"... and then turned towards him. Scooted over and hugged his waist, buried her face in his... hip, really.
That can't be comfortable. She didn't object when he tugged her up into the crook of his arm instead. That's better. He began stroking her wet hair, extra gently... he noticed that she was curling up against his side like she normally would, not keeping herself straight, so maybe she didn't have some horrific internal injury that made her reject the chair. "Your feet must be freezin'." He yanked the beach blanket out from behind them and draped it over her. It was a little sandy for Joel's liking, but since the alternative meant extracting himself from her to retrieve one from the bed, it would do.
"I love you, Joel," she squeaked.
He resumed the hair-petting. "Love you, too. You know there's nothin' you can't tell me. ...You do know that, right?"
"I know... I mean I know you think that..."
"It's the truth."
A little sigh. "I just want you to know... that I love you. I really want you to believe that."
"I do." He gave her a little squeeze. "And I'll believe you - whatever you tell me. I'll believe you."
She laughed mirthlessly. "You can't say that until I tell you. And I... reeeeally don't want to. Fuck... you have no idea, how much I don't want to."
That was hardly encouraging. "Why not? Am I really that scary?" he tried.
"No. You're not scary at all."
"But you're afraid to tell me this... thing."
"Not afraid, exactly..."
I'll drive myself crazy wondering all night, but... "You must be exhausted. Why don't you sleep on it, whatever it is, an' tell me in the-"
"No," she said firmly. "I have to tell you now. I... need to know what to do next."
That didn't sound good, either. "So... this ain't over? Whatever it is?"
"I don't think so. It might be? But... I really don't think so." A bigger sigh. "I'm sorry. I don't mean to... torture you like this."
"Take all the time you need. I ain't goin' nowhere."
"Well... that's the thing. I don't know how much time I have."
Shit. "You're in some kind of trouble," he surmised. "As in... immediate danger?"
"No... er... maybe?"
Joel was suddenly glad he'd had the presence of mind to bolt the front door when he'd fetched the candle. "From what? ...From who?"
...No answer.
"You know I won't let anybody hurt you," he said, even though someone clearly already had.
She sniffled. "I know. ...I know you'll try not to, anyway."
She was right, of course, yet it still smarted a little, knowing that she didn't believe that vow anymore... that she probably never really did believe it to begin with. "Did someone threaten you? Just tell me who it was and I'll-"
"No... I did something. I did something bad."
"...Somethin' that I won't like."
"Something you will hate. At least... the stuff before it... before the last thing..."
"You ain't makin' any sense," he told her softly. "Why don't you start at the beginning. Why did you leave tonight?" And why the hell didn't I wake up?! -But she couldn't answer that second one; it was his failure.
"That's... not actually the beginning." She lifted her head and turned those beautiful eyes on him. "I swear to God, I wish I'd never left here. I didn't want to do it... it was stupid... I should've just snuggled with you and went to sleep. You have to believe that."
"All right." He caressed her cheek... the unblemished one. He couldn't really see the other one that well, with the candle being where it was... which was probably a good thing. "What was stupid?"
She dropped her head back to his chest, and he wished he'd given her a little kiss while he had the chance. "I love you so much," she repeated.
...the hell? "That prob'ly is stupid," he quipped.
She didn't laugh. "I don't want to be with anyone but you. I never have. That's not what it was about."
Joel bristled for the first time since the conversation had begun. What 'it' is she talking about? WAS she with someone else? No wonder she don't wanna tell me. Of COURSE I hate it. How did I not see it coming? Was it some kind of... experimental thing? Something that didn't work out the way she'd hoped, so now she wants to stay with me? ...by default? It would be someone younger... with all the goddamn years between them, it pretty much had to be. But what happened to her? The asshole must've hit her- and he couldn't abide that. Whether she was 'his' or not. She wasn't offering up any details or clarification, so he forced himself to ask, "Who else were you with?" ...then braced himself...
"No one." She looked up again. "I didn't cheat on you, Joel. I would never do that. I love you and only you - you have to believe me!"
There was something about the way she said it... not that she wasn't earnest enough - and she got points for looking him in the eye - but Joel still felt like... something was off. Like she desperately wanted to believe her own words, but didn't quite.
"You don't believe me," she accused him. "You said you'd believe what I told you!"
"I want to. I just ain't sure you believe it," he confessed.
She scooched up a little and kissed him... chastely, slowly. She lingered there over his lips, and he kept kissing her sweetly. I want this as long as it lasts... as long as she'll have me... but if she stops wanting it, I can't make her stay with me out of... guilt, or some sense of obligation, or... it just ain't fair to her, being so young.
She cupped his cheek, stroking it with her thumb, and looked at him like...
...like she don't want anyone but me. Christ, she was confusing the hell out of him. "I just... want you to be happy," he said lamely.
"Oh my God - I am. Do you want me to prove it to you? I'll make love to you right now-"
"You don't gotta prove nothin'," he assured her, and he dropped a little kiss on her nose. "I ain't recovered from last night yet, I don't think."
She snorted. "Was that just last night? Feels like a long time ago." And she tucked her face into his neck.
He just kept at it with her hair, at a loss as to how to get her to open up to him. Now what? Just give her a minute? Or-
"You're too fucking smart, Joel," she mumbled.
Shit... NOW she's gonna tell me the truth. "I am?"
"There's a reason you didn't totally believe me," she told his neck. "Because... I don't know if it counts... as cheating, if I... didn't want to... I mean, it wasn't like I was attracted to someone else or anything like that..."
Now he bristled for a different reason, and it was impossible to keep a lid on his anger. "Of course it don't count - if someone forced you to do somethin' against your-"
"No! No no - calm down. I wasn't... it's not like that."
Then... what...? "Hey. Look at me."
She dutifully lifted her head... and it looked like she was holding her breath.
"Did someone... assault you... 'cause if-"
"No. Not like... I dunno... ..."
...Not very convincing. "You can tell me if they did. I won't be mad." At YOU, anyway...
"No," she said more firmly.
Just when he started to relax a little, she added, "The whole thing was my fault."
Joel scowled. "Someone did hurt you. Tell me who-"
"No! I wasn't like... raped or something, Joel. I was trying to tell you that when I got home... when I said I'm okay."
So... 'okay' translates to 'not raped.' Good to know. It was a step up from 'not dead or maimed,' which was all he could glean from it earlier. He bit back a snarky reply reminding her that he wasn't a mind reader.
"Cuz I know that you... you worry about shit like that," she said.
Of course he worried. How could I NOT, when she comes home covered in blood, jumpy as hell, crying... wanting a shower... The shower could just be on account of all the blood, though. He hoped that was all it was, but it felt like... with the way she was acting... "Would you even tell me if you were," he asked her gently... more of a statement than a question, really.
"I would. I don't think I could hide something like that from you."
"...But you'd want to hide it. Is that it?"
She hesitated. "I mean... I don't wanna upset you..."
"It ain't about me. This is about you... what the hell happened to you?" He struggled to keep his tone calm; he was concerned, not angry, and he needed her to know that. She usually didn't have this much difficulty communicating with him. "Just tell me. Please, Ellie. Start from the beginning."
She broke away from him and sat up straight. Pulled her knees up to her chest and hugged them... buried her face in them. "Okay. Just... let me tell you, and don't interrupt to lecture me or tell me how stupid I am. I already fucking know."
"You ain't stupid." The blanket had slipped off of her when she moved forward; he tried to tuck it back around her-
-But she flinched. "And don't... don't touch me until I'm done, okay? Please?"
Joel looked at her, all curled in on herself... why didn't she want his comfort now, when she clearly needed it? His heart clenched up. "I'm only tryin' to make you feel better."
"I know. And I don't deserve it, okay? So just-"
"Of course you deserve it. What you don't deserve is... whatever happened."
Another mirthless laugh. "You won't say that at the end."
Joel very much doubted that, but he couldn't argue the point before learning the facts. "So... I can't touch you 'til the end? How come it's only okay at the end?"
After a long pause, she said, "Because I think at the end... you won't even want to. And I'd rather not have you... petting me and stuff, and then have to feel how you, like..." She sighed. "Just let me talk, okay? Please?"
He wished she had more faith in him... wished she wouldn't just talk into her goddamn knees... but he really just wanted to know what the hell was going on, and if this was her process for enlightening him, he'd roll with it. "I'm all ears."
At least she turned her head sideways. Towards him, albeit with her hair acting as a curtain... he had to resist the urge to reach over and tuck it behind her ear so he could see her face.
"Okay, so... remember the other day when I went out on the boat with Parker?"
...Parker? What the... was I wrong about that kid?! She had been acting strangely after that... "Yes - what did he do?"
"No - nothing like - just let me tell you, okay?"
"...You asked if I remembered."
"Yeah yeah, I know, sorry. Well I went to see him that day because he'd been hinting that he had something to tell me, except he kept changing his mind and... not telling me. I thought maybe he wanted to talk to me when we wouldn't get interrupted, you know? Or when no one would overhear? So since you were gone that day it was a perfect time to... anyway. He told me on the boat. And what he told me sounded... bad, in some ways. Like it really upset me to think about. But he was acting like it was no big deal - and that it was all good, even. Especially for him."
"What was all good? What are you talkin' about?"
"I'm not done! So... you remember I was upset. I couldn't even stand being at campfire." She tugged her hair back to glance at him.
"I do recall that, yes. You wouldn't tell me what it was that got you so rattled."
The hair curtain fell back into place. "Right - and I still kind of don't want to tell you that part because... I just don't. But, I think I have to... or you won't understand why I did what I did." She paused.
"Well, go on, then," he said, since she seemed to be waiting for some kind of acknowledgment.
"I found out something... about this place. The people here. Er, some of them... I don't know who all is actually involved - another thing that was bugging me because it made me wonder about everyone. Like, people I thought I knew... who didn't seem like they would... like Sylvia! That mystery is solved. Pretty much. I mean, I don't really have proof, I never talked to her about it... I talked to Sophie and I'm pretty sure she doesn't know anything about it..."
Joel groaned inwardly. "About what? Can you backtrack a little? Tell it to me in order." As frustrating as this was to listen to, he was glad about one thing: she was babbling, sounding more like his Ellie.
"Well... okay, I'll tell you the good part first. At least I think it's a good part. I wasn't sure before, but now... like... you still might not think so, which is kinda why I didn't wanna tell you, at least until I made up my mind. I decided that if it's bad, I would definitely tell you, if it's good, then... except now I really should tell you anyways or it won't make a lot of sense - why I didn't just tell you in the first place, I mean-"
"Ellie."
"Okay! Um... okay." She shifted into a more normal sitting position, angled toward him but still not right beside him like she usually was. "What I don't want... is for you to relate this to me and you. At all." She looked at him expectantly.
"Relate what to-"
"I'm getting there! Just don't even... think about me at all, when I say this."
Yeah. Sure. "It's your story, kiddo. Kinda hard not to think-"
"Okay whatever - basically... Parker has a boyfriend," she said.
"...Ah." Joel nodded. "You did mention he told you he's gay, before."
"I think he's actually bi. He's gay now because... that's what's available? Or something?"
Joel thought of bisexuality as more of a female thing, but that could have changed over the years. They certainly didn't need to go off on that tangent at the moment; her story seemed to be meandering enough as it was.
"Plus I think he loves the guy, or at least has a major crush on him," she continued. "Hard to tell from what little I've seen. And I definitely can't tell if the guy loves him... that's the part I was unsure of. The part that really made me... not know what to do about this thing."
Damn... I never got more than a father/son vibe off of them, but- "Are you talkin' about Mark?" Maybe the 'Pops' nickname was some kind of kinky-
"No," she replied, quashing that theory.
Joel couldn't imagine who else the boyfriend might be. He'd never seen the kid hanging around another guy besides Mark for any extended period of time - and not an unattached guy, at that. But then, he did know that some people here were... 'looser' about sex, than others... "He's older, right? He has to be."
"Yeah, but not... way older. They sort of seemed like the same age last night."
Joel could only think of two guys at the resort who were in their thirties... none in their twenties. The age difference must be significant. "You saw them last night?"
"Yeah. That's when I met him. When I... snuck out," she added sheepishly.
He figured by 'met,' she meant 'met up with.' "So you... left to go hang out with a gay couple."
"Not like that - just let me tell you, okay? You made me go out of order again."
He suppressed a smile; it was generally preferable to him when she blamed him for stupid shit like that instead of herself. "My apologies."
"So... this boyfriend. He doesn't live here. His name is Caleb and he lives at the outpost... the base, whatever... the one they trade with here. And... Parker said that... there's this like... exchange program - he didn't call it that, someone else did - but... yeah." She glanced at him, but continued without waiting for his input. "Other people do it here, too. The way they get all the cool stuff here... they're basically trading sex for it. Except not like... in a prostitution sort of way? Parker really cares about Caleb - and he doesn't see anyone else. It's like people have these... agreements. There's rules to it... I won't get into all that. People who do it... do it because they want to do it. It's their choice. That's what was confusing to me, cuz like... the way Parker hooked up with Caleb? It seemed pretty skeevy. It's not like they have... parties and stuff, or... however people should meet? Like some kind of social thing? He went over there because..." She drew her knees up to her chest again. Hugged them, rested her chin - but at least she had pivoted sideways, so her body was facing him. "What do you think about this so far?"
"...Ain't sure yet," he hedged. He wasn't sure what she expected him to say, but he was going to try to withhold judgment until she finished her narrative. He didn't want his opinions coloring her delivery. I should've known it was something like this... he knew there was something not on the up and up. Maybe if he'd tried to find out what it was... or even shared those suspicions with Ellie... would she have come to me with this? And he was getting a bad feeling about the nature of the trauma she'd suffered - despite her cryptic "I'm okay." "Keep goin'. He went over there because...?" he prompted.
"Well, Caleb... he sort of like... requested him?"
Joel's eyebrows shot up. "And... how exactly is this not prostitution?"
"Because it's all voluntary! Parker-"
"Prostitution ain't necessarily a forced thing, Ellie. People may choose to do it 'cause... maybe they don't see another way. A better way. It ain't so black'n'white as-"
"Yes! Exactly! It's not black and white. And this is in the middle, so I didn't know what to-"
"Hold on. How do you put this in the middle?"
"Cuz... Parker's happy. It's like a normal relationship, except for-"
"Wait - normal? You just told me he was sent to... fulfill some pervert's fantasy."
"He's not a pervert, though. I wondered that, too, but he's not. If you saw him..."
"Well, it ain't like they've got the label tattooed on their foreheads." He could lecture her about that (again) some other time. "How do you know Parker's happy?"
"Because... I see it? I saw it last night, for sure."
"He's only sixteen."
"Almost seventeen. And no one cares about the eighteen thing, Joel. Just you."
Joel frowned. "I meant... he's just a kid. He might not even be gay – like men in prison. Just 'cause he was coerced into-"
"I told you, it's all voluntary!" she groaned. "It's not a prison and he wasn't forced! He decided to go, and he decided to keep going."
"Why? Why did he decide to keep going?"
"Because... he was having fun?" Her "duh" voice.
"He was havin' fun... because this creep was groomin' him. Messin' with his head. Ease him in, make sure he enjoys himself-"
"I knew you were gonna think that!"
So much for keeping my opinions to myself? "Why do you think I-"
"No, wait - I actually... kind of wondered the same thing myself. Because of you."
"...Me?"
"Yeah. I understand now."
Shit... that is EXACTLY what I've been afraid of all along, with her... she sees it now. She fought me on it all the way, insisted that wasn't what I was doing... but now that she can see it from the outside looking in, she sees how wrong it is. How I've abused her trust. Led her down this path for my own sick purposes. I lost sight of it myself... made all kinds of excuses for my behavior... I was WEAK.
Now he knew what she meant when she'd said he wouldn't want to touch her. Except... it ain't like she don't LOVE me no more... and she did say this has nothing to do with her? Don't jump to conclusions. Just because she knows it's WRONG now don't mean that-
"Joel?" She put her hand on his leg.
"Hm?"
"I... thought you'd be proud of me or something. Because I understand. Or I... thought I did, but I don't think that's what's really going on here. I think they're both... enjoying the fuck out of each other, basically."
He put his hand over hers, mostly to see if she'd pull back; she didn't. "I don't think I understand. You had the right of it, before. Then you... somehow managed to unsee it?"
"No. I see that... there's potential for that to happen? But I always knew that wasn't what you were doing with me, so I knew there was a chance I was wrong here... and I was. They are like... nowhere near the level of you and me, as far as closeness and stuff... and never will be, but... who is, right? I can't judge by that. I had to see for myself if Caleb was a creepy asshole - and he's not. Just like you're not. ...I see you don't really believe that - cuz you haven't seen. Just promise me you won't... compare us to them. Okay?"
Joel couldn't promise that. The fact that he felt relief over learning that her opinion of him - of the progression of their relationship - hadn't changed, after finally having a comparison to make... well, it just meant he was the same selfish bastard he'd always been. "So you met this dude. You liked him. What did you do that was so bad?"
"I don't know if I'd say I like him. I didn't... not like him... I barely saw him. But he and Parker looked like any other couple. It didn't look like... well... bad." She pulled her hand back. Retreated to hugging her knees... and burying her face. "Going back to when me and Parker were on the boat..."
"We're still on the boat?" Christ, this is going to take all night!
"Yeah... the reason Parker wanted to talk to me. Just let me say this whole part without interrupting, 'kay?" She kept talking to her knees, but loud enough that Joel didn't have to strain to hear her. "He said there was a guy who... heard about me. Like Parker said something to Caleb about me in casual conversation or whatever, and Caleb told the guy... and the guy told Caleb to ask Parker to invite me over. Parker told him no at first cuz he knows I have you... but he also knows people have multiple partners and stuff here so he thought maybe I'd like to try it... they get stuff for the group, yes, but they get extra stuff for themselves, the people who do this... plus the sex? If they like that? So... he said he went back and forth on whether to ask me and I finally just made him ask me, and I was horrified, of course, because I would never do that... I told him no, but the more we kept talking... I got more confused about if this was a good thing or a bad thing. In general, I mean. I wondered like... how voluntary it really was. How it worked. How it started. Who all is involved. Parker couldn't answer all my questions... and even the ones he did answer, I didn't totally trust cuz he's in the middle of it, you know? He has feelings for Caleb and... I'm sure he wants to believe the best of everything. ...Are you with me so far?" She peeked up at him.
Joel was already seething, and he knew he hadn't heard the worst of this tale yet. Looks like I have a pervert to hunt down... He kept the emotion out of his voice when he replied to her, though. "I'm with you. Those are good questions you had." Why didn't you TELL me, baby girl?
She groaned and hid her face again. "You're mad. I don't blame you. I-"
"I ain't mad at you. You don't have to... do that." To hide.
"I do if I wanna finish this. So I tried to sort it all out- I told him not to tell the guy no yet because... I thought maybe that would be a good way to find out more. You know... to pretend I was interested, so I could-"
"That's where you went tonight," Joel surmised, struggling to remain calm. "You didn't go to meet Parker's boyfriend - you went to meet this guy."
"No - both of them. Don't yell at me yet. Wait 'til I'm done. So I went-"
"Hold on... when did you know you were goin' over there?"
"Not very long before I went, I swear! At dinner yesterday... Parker said he was going to see Caleb later and I could go with him if I want."
He figured as much; those two had looked thick as thieves at dinner. "All right. So that's why you... -You had to make sure you could get out. That I wouldn't notice you leavin'. Right?"
She didn't answer, but the answer was obvious.
And that explains why she was acting weird... distracted - spaced out, even - yet allegedly super horny. Joel snorted. "You knew exactly how to wear out the old man."
"Joel, don't - I have to tell you this and I can't if you're -" She looked up at him miserably. "I'm sorry. I fucking wish I'd never done it. Believe me."
He wasn't angry so much as... disappointed? Sad? He knew Ellie used sex sometimes to placate him, or to get her way on some matter or another... but that was all just innocent fun. He knew exactly what she was doing and why, and they could laugh about it. Hell, he did it to her, too. But this was more like... flat-out deception. It was deliberate. Underhanded. She might not have even been in the mood at all last night, and she just... damn, is she faking orgasms now? That bothered him, but he had to let it go for the time being; the only thing that mattered right now was finding out exactly what kind of trouble she was in. "I wish you would sit with me," he told her softly. "Let me hold you."
His plea had the opposite of the desired effect on her; she turned away. "I should be sitting on the floor, actually..."
"Why's that?"
"Because I... just cuz. But I won't - if you blow out that candle."
...Huh? "Why? You don't want me to look at you?"
She didn't reply. Didn't look at him.
"Fine." If she was trying to play some little game with him, he wasn't up for it; he didn't argue. He leaned over and blew out the candle, plunging them into total darkness.
"Thank you."
"Will you come back over here now? Please?" She was right there... but somehow he didn't dare touch her uninvited.
"Not yet. So I went with Parker to the base..."
"Didn't they have to scan you?"
"No, there was no guard. Parker had a key. It wasn't like being in a QZ. We left our guns and... outerwear? - downstairs. I wanted to meet Caleb and see, like... how him and Parker were, with each other... plus I didn't want to just walk into some random guy's bedroom, so I went to meet Caleb first and he went to get the guy - Shelby - he was playing poker downstairs. I thought we'd just... you know. Hang out a little bit first. The four of us."
"But... that didn't happen."
"I think Caleb was already stoned, and Parker was getting there, so... well, it was awkward as fuck. They were all over each other. Me and Shelby were just kind of standing there, so... he said we should go to his room and give them some privacy."
"Please tell me you didn't." Jesus, Ellie-
"We had to go somewhere! I told him all I wanted to do was talk. He said it was okay. And before you yell at me-"
"I ain't gonna yell at you." If only I could scream some SENSE into you sometimes... but it was clearly too late for that.
"Well, we did just talk. I didn't wanna drink or get high so he even got me some water. He was really nice."
"He got you-" Joel cut himself off with a frustrated groan. "He could've slipped somethin'-"
"He didn't, okay? I watched him - it was just regular water. And then we talked about Savage Starlight. Like, he knew lots of stuff about it, he wasn't just faking it to make me like him or something. Everything was-"
"And you were in his bedroom this whole time? Alone?" ...He wooed her with SAVAGE STARLIGHT? Really?
"Yeah."
"Without your gun."
"...I had my knife."
At least she hadn't been completely boneheaded about the whole thing. "They're okay with civilians carryin' knives around, just not guns?"
"They didn't know I had it. Obviously I wasn't going to announce it."
"Good... that's good. So you were... hangin' out in this dude's bunk with him." He tried not to picture it.
"On opposite ends. Just talking."
Joel wondered where this story was going to take a sinister turn. "Was this creep stoned or what?"
"He wasn't being creepy! And no, I don't think he was high. He was drinking, though. Something brown that smelled gross... like whiskey or something."
"Christ, Ellie - what did I tell you about-"
"I knooowwww, okay?"
"Do you? 'Cause if nothin' else about this situation deterred you, that should've been your cue to abandon this little plan of yours. ...I thought you were tryin' to figure out Parker an' his guy. Why would you even go-"
"Because like I said, it wasn't just that! I wanted more info - and I got it! Joel, this guy told me some stuff. Something about padding... and skimming? And taking stuff off the trains... I think he was basically saying they're ripping off QZs to give extra to these... companions..."
"You mean hookers."
"He said it was more about companionship. That they're all like brothers there but... there's no girls, see, so-"
"Then it's about sex. Not companionship."
"That's what I thought too but he kept saying it wasn't. He kept making sure I was comfortable and stuff... he wasn't trying to seduce me, like- he was a little shy, even. I thought he... you know. Liked me. It kind of seemed like it, anyway. So then I felt bad cuz I was just using him to get more info. I didn't-"
"Hang on… this sleaze is takin' advantage of you, and you felt bad for him? Did I hear that right?" I know she can be naïve about some things, but this really takes the cake.
"He wasn't taking advantage! I told you - he was being nice. ...At first."
This is it... Joel braced himself. "Until... when."
She was quiet, and of course Joel couldn't see her expression or body language in the dark... couldn't try to read it. He could tell by her voice that she'd stopped smothering her face in her knees... but that was only because it was too dark for him to see her. Not because she'd become more comfortable with talking to him.
"Ellie, tell me what happened," he pressed.
She took a shuddery breath. "It doesn't feel real. Any of it. This whole night... since I left here."
Is she crying again? ...Maybe a little. It seemed like she was trying to sniffle discreetly. He waited patiently for her to continue.
"I shouldn't be upset," she said. "I'm OKAY. He didn't... hurt me. He scared me, cuz I thought... but he didn't hurt me."
"He did, though. If you're upset, you're upset. I'm sure there's a reason. It's okay to... feel what you feel." ...REAL helpful, that. I should've been a goddamn shrink. "Just tell me what happened. Please."
She shifted around a little... and Joel got the feeling she was wiping her face and nose. "Okay," she said, more to herself than to him. "What happened. So... I, um... pushed him too far, basically. I told him I had a boyfriend, that I was just curious about all this and I only wanted to talk... I was never gonna do anything with him, Joel, I swear."
Joel tried to keep his voice cool and calm. "If he forced you-"
"He didn't. That's the thing - it was all my fault. He-"
"No matter whose fault it supposedly is - assault is assault. You understand? You didn't-"
"Just listen, okay? All that stuff I said before, that he told me - he wouldn't tell me at first. He said it's all secret - not written down in books or something? - and I really wanted to know, so I told him if he'd tell me, then... I told him I would... I offered to... well, it wasn't anything sexual, okay? But I guess he thought it meant... I dunno. Something else."
I do NOT wanna hear more than that- "But he told you what you wanted to know? He answered your questions?"
"A little, yeah. But when I... um... he was acting... different... like more drunk or something... not as nice as before. Like, not mean, but he started like... I dunno. That's when I decided I was done asking stuff and I just needed to get the fuck out of there."
Joel nearly fired back something sarcastic to that, but he managed to swallow it unsaid. "He told you, because you... did what you offered to do. Which... wasn't sexual." REALLY don't want to know... but if it was crucial to the story, he wanted to hear it.
"Yeah. And he um... started to like... he was getting turned on, you know? I tried-"
"Whoa- hang on. How is it... not sexual, if he's..." Joel got the feeling Ellie's definition of 'not sexual' was a bit too broad here. "Did you... touch him? Kiss him?"
"No! Nothing like that!"
"Nothin' like that. All right, so... you took your clothes off? Let him look at-"
"No! Fine, I'll just tell you - I sat on his lap. But I told him not to touch me, that I was just gonna fucking sit there. And I hated it, Joel, I really did."
"Jesus, Ellie..."
"You believe me, right? Please tell me you believe-"
"I believe you." What I CAN'T believe is how you could be so GODDAMN STUPID-
"You think I'm an idiot. And you're right, okay? You can say it."
Oh, baby girl... "No. You're just... young an' naïve. Let me guess - he didn't keep his hands to himself." Joel sure couldn't, when she sat on his lap...
"Sort of, yeah. But it wasn't like... he didn't molest me or anything."
GOOD. But that statement did little to defuse the anger coiling inside him. The thought of that creep touching her anywhere was enough to make Joel's blood boil. She needs to hurry up and finish this so I can go finish HIM for-
"And he tried to kiss me... I wouldn't let him. Ugh, so gross - I told him I didn't like him like that. I told him a few times, I think. I said he was just wasting his time with me, that I was never coming back... cuz that's their whole thing - the companionship part. I figured he wanted... like what Parker and Caleb have. Some kind of relationship."
Try as he might, Joel couldn't quite not picture this little scene she was painting. "So that's when he dropped his Mr. Nice Guy act."
"...I guess, yeah? I could see I pissed him off. That's when... he said... he said the most horrible things, and he... um... he started to... ..."
That's enough! "It's all right," he soothed - even though it wasn't really. He reached over to rub her shoulder, but withdrew the hand when she flinched.
"Don't - just let me - I'm almost done. So, I couldn't get away from him, I couldn't even move - but then he... he had to... um... ...just- I pulled my knife out as soon as I could get to it and I stabbed him. And then I... don't remember exactly? He was still... he wasn't dead. He grabbed me... I got away, somehow... and I freaked the fuck out. I prob'ly stabbed him a million times. It's kind of a blur, between that first stab, when he was on top of me, and... and the last one, when I was on top of him... and I finally realized he was dead... or maybe after?... I just kept on going, until... I dunno... But I'm okay. He didn't touch me anywhere... bad... not under my clothes or anything... I should've just... I don't know what I was thinking. I wasn't thinking. My brain, like, switched off... and he didn't even hurt me. Not like... not like that."
Joel couldn't tell if she was trying to reassure him she was okay (when she clearly wasn't), or trying to explain how all this was allegedly her fault. "You said before that you weren't... you made it sound like he didn't really assault you. Or... you weren't sure if he did or not. Sure as hell sounds to me like he did."
"Only after I-"
"I don't care what you did or didn't do. Nothin' gives him the right to- -and, what, your face just hit itself, did it?"
"He did that cuz I tried to scream for help," she explained. Like that justified it.
"I see. How dare you do that when someone's about to hurt you."
"I'm just saying! He didn't like that. And no one was even around to hear me - they were downstairs playing poker, or just... sleeping in another part of the building, maybe even a different building... the place is huge. And Caleb was blasting this loud music. Anyways- yeah, he hit me one time. I still didn't have to... ...do what I did. To him."
She can't seriously regret killing this piece of shit... can she?! "He would've done so much worse to you if you hadn't stopped him," he told her firmly. "And he didn't just hit you one time. He was fixin' to... -You were terrified. You were defending yourself - you did nothing wrong. You hear me?"
"Yes I did." Her voice hitched at the end... and just like that, she was crying again. "I did everything wrong!"
He understood how she could feel that way... hell, part of him was inclined to agree with her on some counts. Her first mistake was concocting that damn fool plan in the first place. But he didn't have the heart to scold her; his heart was breaking for her. Seeing her in pain was just... He didn't bother inviting her to sit close to him again - he just scooted over and gathered her up in his arms.
"I'm done crying," she declared, sniffling. She didn't push him away. "I didn't cry at all until- 'til you started being so nice to me... I knew that was gonna happen! Fuck..."
"It's my fault," he agreed. "I'm sorry."
She sort of laughed and hiccuped at the same time.
He held her tight... smoothed her hair, kissed her temple. She did appear to be done with the crying now, but since she hadn't pulled away from him yet...
It felt good to finally be able to do something to help her. He didn't know what to say to her; his thoughts were all over the place, and he reckoned she didn't need to hear the bulk of them. Bottom line: I'm lucky as hell to have her here with me right now. What she'd gone through was horrible, but it could have turned out so much worse.
He tried to wrap the blanket around her again - her feet, in particular, although she didn't seem to mind that they were frozen - and this time, she didn't stop him.
"Thank you for being so nice to me," she said so softly he almost couldn't hear her.
"You don't gotta thank me for that. I love you. I just... I'm so sorry this happened to you, baby girl." While I laid here on my ass, doing nothing... AGAIN... I wasn't even hurt this time!
"It didn't just happen," she said bitterly. "I made it happen."
Damnit- "Listen to me, Ellie, an' listen good: you gotta stop thinkin' like that. That asshole was a piece of shit, all right? He just hid that from you so you would trust him an' then-"
"But I should've known. You would've known."
He wasn't going to argue that. "I prob'ly would have, yes. But-"
"No prob'ly about it. You knew... fuck, before I even told you anything."
But that didn't mean she should have known; it wasn't a fair expectation, given her limited experience. "You came home covered in blood - I knew somethin' bad happened. But I've also encountered... a shitload more assholes than you have, in my lifetime."
"I've met a lot of them, too," she replied. "We've met a lot of them together."
"Sure - the garden variety kind out in the wild that you know you just have to kill. But in civilization... it ain't always somethin' you can tell right off the bat." Joel had gotten pretty good at it over the years, and even he could make mistakes.
"I really thought he liked me," she said quietly. "I don't get why a guy would want to... like, how is it any fun, if the other person isn't..."
Because some guys are just plain assholes? "I think... sometimes it's more about power, or control... not so much about the sex."
"And the anger, too. Right? I pissed him off. Just like..."
"Anger plays a part, sure. But everyone gets angry. That's... part of life, dealin' with emotions. It's no excuse for... Just quit thinkin' you brought it on yourself 'cause he was mad, all right?" Joel hadn't been in the room, of course, so he couldn't know for sure, but he doubted very much that Ellie would have said or done anything with the intention of hurting or humiliating the bastard, even if he deserved it. Joel could just imagine her sitting there, babbling excitedly about Savage Starlight, thinking that because the motherfucker happened to be familiar with the comics, he was interested in the conversation, when all the while he was just sitting there calculating how long it would take for her to lower her guard so he could make a move. If only I HAD been in the room! DAMN- it had been a while since Joel had so fervently wished he could rewind time and do things differently. That still wouldn't put me in the room, though - because he simply wouldn't have let her leave. She would be furious as hell with him for foiling her plan... but he'd gladly take that over this.
"You get mad at me, too," Ellie mused. "And you would never... act like that."
"Exactly. That's why it ain't your fault." He couldn't stress that enough. "And you just... you wanna see the best in everyone, kiddo. Even when there's nothin' good there."
"Well, not anymore. I'm gonna be more like you, and see the worst in everyone."
Shit... he didn't want that for her, either. "Don't be like me."
"Why not? This would never happen to you."
Joel snorted. " 'Course it wouldn't. You're too damn cute... an' sweet... an' lovable... who would want me instead of you?" He didn't expect her to laugh, but...
"Lovable," she grumbled. "If that was true, why would he- he wouldn't have wanted to..."
"Ellie, stop." Didn't we just go over this?! "He was an asshole. That's why he acted like an asshole. Not 'cause of you... not 'cause of anything you said or did. You didn't... make him be that way."
She didn't reply to that right away; Joel hoped she was digesting it, absorbing it... believing it.
"You don't get it," she finally said.
Joel suppressed a sigh. "All right, well... maybe you can explain it to me later. Right now, I need you to finish tellin' me what went on... afterward. Can you do that?"
"There's nothing more to tell, really. I mean... nothing else major went down."
"Tell it to me anyhow."
"Okay..." She started to pull away.
"Stay with me, baby girl... please?" He didn't try to hold her in place, though.
She paused. "I should sit... by myself..."
"Why do you think that, hm?"
"I dunno... ? It just feels like... I should?"
He tugged her close again. "You are not alone in this. All right? You don' need to-"
"Stop being so nice - I know you're mad at me!" she blurted.
"No I ain't."
"Yes you are! How could you not be?"
Because I love you with all my heart? ...Because you scared the hell out of me and I'm just thankful you're here? ...Because I hate that this happened to you? ...Because I should've stopped you - or, better yet, earned enough of your trust that you came to me with your concerns instead of trying to handle it on your own?
Under all that... was he mad at her? Possibly. It just didn't matter right now. "I love you," he told her again. "And I wanna help you. Even if it's just... pettin' your hair while you finish tellin' me what happened. Can I do that? Please?"
"...Okay." Her voice was very small.
He held her snugly... and tried like hell to stuff his emotions somewhere to be dealt with later. He needed to engage the more practical, problem-solving areas of his brain... and figure out how to get her out of the trouble she'd gotten herself into - trouble he had allowed her to get into.
Once again, he had failed. Failed at the one thing paramount to his existence - to protect Ellie from harm.