Would You Let Me Back In?

Chapter Eight

I remain mostly silent as she speakers, not adding much to the conversation for I am well aware that she is barely paying attention to me. And a large part is happy that she has someone, that she is so content… But there are two contradicting parts… One jealous, one angry. Of course. I always have to be bitter, always have to have something wrong. I cannot ever just… Be happy for someone. I always have to feel sorry for myself, wishing to have things that I can never get back.

"Wilma, are you alright? You have been quiet for sometime now."

I stop as I catch what she says last minute. "Yeah, yeah. I am fine. Thinking…"

"About?"

"… Myself."

"What is it troubling you?" I shift uncomfortably, attempting to get my thoughts in some form of a cohesive state and I find it more difficult.

"Myself," I repeat, not knowing that I even answered until after the fact. "… I suppose that this has been the only time in a long time that I can reflect upon myself and the person I am…" I admit, pushing myself up. I grab the items, beginning to walk, wanting some form of distraction from my thoughts. Yet she does not seem to notice my attempt at literally walking away from the conversation.

I hear the rustling behind me as Snow hastily grabs the remaining items, attempting to catch up with my fervent paces. "Wilma," she begins upon eventually catching up with me, matching my stride effortlessly. "I think we should talk about this. You always appear so terribly lost in thought and it is not… good to hold emotions in. Based upon what you have told me, you were never able to be your own person. Let me help you discover who you are."

"That is not what is bothering me," I snap. She looks more confused and concerned than she does hurt or offended at my sudden outburst.

"Then what is the matter? I only wish to help."

"And you already do that," I attempt.

"Not well enough, it appears. You always seem so distraught when I look at you and I wish you would trust me enough to let me know what is wrong. Physically, mentally, and otherwise. I care about you. So terribly so that it pains me to see you in such a distressed frame of mind. Please… Allow me to help you…"

I turn to her and she seems so certain about helping me. "I fear if I tell you, I will be pushing you away."

"No. No, you could never. I would never allow anything push me away from you, that I am certain of…"

I suck in a deep breath, attempting to think of ways to tell her while still holding back anything that would allow her to see me in a different light. "My emotions," I begin. "They are strange to me. Whenever I should feel one particular way for something…I also feel a different way. A friend of mine just married. I was so happy for her but I also held great jealousy and resentment because she was getting married… And I was not. And I did not know if I would ever have the privilege of marrying someone I love…"

"It is entirely understandable," Snow immediately reassures me. "Mixed feelings are incredibly common and normal. But that does not make you a bad person. It is what you decide to do with your emotions, how you respond that dictates it. Believe me, if we were all defined by our thoughts, I would not be the purest person considered," she laughs easily, shaking her head. "Your thoughts and feelings belong to you and that pertains to everyone. Having thoughts of hurting someone is normal. As long as you do not act upon it. Do you understand?"

I nod, a feeling of deep relief draping over me. "… So," I start now, growing curious. "… You also had thoughts of hurting people if they annoy you?"

"Certainly," she nods. "Have not met a single soul here who has not. The brain is truthfully funny that way. Of course, as I said, I would never act upon those thoughts and emotions…I would regret it if I did… Especially if I find out something about the person that caused them to be a certain way which is typically the case… No one is born evil, hurt, bitter. We all have our stories."

"You really seem to have this life thing figured out," I comment to which she immediately laughs, surprising me. "… Something amusing?"

"That you think I have life figured out. That is the absolute last thing I have figured out."

"But you seem so certain of what you say, how you speak."

"Sure," she shrugs nonchalantly, confusing me even more. "I mean, just because I know what people go through does not necessarily mean I have life figured out. Even when I think I do, life throws something unexpected and everything I thought I knew for certain becomes uncertain and I am left lost. I have to figure everything out again. I wish learning lessons is the key to a successful life but it simply is not. Because each experience is unique, different, to where lessons learned from one event does not apply to the new one. And then it seems for more simple to give up and allow life to pass…" She chuckles upon finishing as though entertained by her own thoughts.

"You think so?" I whisper.

"Sure. Because that is all I can do. I cannot confirm nor deny my thoughts into something of actuality. I wish I could, that would make everything that much easier. Oh, well… I have been rambling. Forgive me if I had bored you."

"No! Not at all! It truly is insightful," I speak truthfully. "I would not see you as a philosopher of sorts."

She smirks and grows quiet, allowing a comfortable silence to fall between us. I begin to lag behind as I often do, never capable of matching her stride for long periods of time. Then another question crosses my thoughts. "How long have you known Red for?"

"… Two years. Next week marks the third year if I am not mistaken."

"Does she not go with you on your travels?"

"Not all the time. She needed to pass a message along and I do not want her risking her life to accompany me when I get to Regina's land. Her men will not hesitate to kill her if they find out she knows me. I know well that she can hold her own but… If I can ensure her safety, nothing will change my mind."

"Does she object?"

"Every time," she laughs in return, shaking her head. "It is absolutely so sweet. She insists constantly and sometimes I find it truly difficult to agree. She knows all of my weak points."

"How many do you have?" I jest.

"A lot more than I thought I did," she laughs in return. "But I suppose that is what happens when you fall in love. You realise a lot about yourself that you were incapable of ever knowing before and… you just become an overall better you," Snow smiles, her eyes becoming glazed over as she thinks of Red, my own heart suddenly aching with something foreign. "I most certainly have."

I simply nod despite the fact her back is towards me. I just do not want my voice to betray me for I am aware that it will. She looks back at me upon not receiving a response, her eyes filled with concern. "Are you alright? I can stop talking about her."

"No! I am fine. It is adorable the way you talk about her." I offer the most convincing smile that I am capable of mustering at the moment. It works for she smiles in return before beginning to walk again. My smile falters as soon as she turns back around, disappearing entirely as the pain in my heart increases, her words reiterating in my head. But I suppose that is what happens when you fall in love… you just become a better you. Right. And the moment you lose that, you become the worst you never thought you were capable of becoming. I know that all too well.

I know what she says is true. I remember the person I became around Daniel, how I was in nature. Forgiving, kind, loving. And the moment he died, it was as though I was never those things to begin with. When he died, all will to be any form of a good person left. I knew that I was throwing away his memory whilst doing so but absolutely no part of me cared. I just wish that… I did. Even in the slightest. Things would be completely different. To look back even a couple of weeks hurt… To see the tyrant I was and how… inhumane. To know that I was someone entirely different with Daniel.

"You know," she begins, "it would be beneficial to the both of us if you voiced your thoughts. Not all of them, of course, but those that do particularly bother you. If you want advice, I shall happily give it to you but even just… having someone listen does absolute wonders, whether or not you see it at the time… I will not tell a single soul," she smiles to reassure me. And I want to. I so desperately want to. But I cannot. I do not trust her as much as I want to… Nor do I trust myself to not accidentally give myself away.

"I-" I stop, clenching my eyes shut, wishing that it would just be easy, even in the slightest would help. "-I… Cannot…I do not-. It is not that-…" I stutter, my face growing red as I attempt to form a cohesive sentence. No such luck. Snow looks at me as she attempts to hide her laughter which it seems to be more than difficult for her. To that, my face grows even more red, embarrassed that I cannot construct something so simple. "Are you done laughing at me?" I inquire after a few minutes.

"Oh, I was not laughing at you. I am terribly sorry if you think I am. I just find it rather charming. It also makes you very human."

"Human?" I arch an eyebrow at that. "What do you mean? Do you not perceive me as such?"

"No! No! That is certainly not what I meant at all! I mean, you try so hard to hide your emotions, even act as though you do not experience them when we both know that it is far from true. And that specific statement is not necessarily a bad thing. It is simple human nature. But if you would like to be more expressive, that would be nice, too… Besides, it is cute how red your face turned," she laughs and I can feel the hue increase on my cheeks again.

xxxXxxx

The travels for the following days were pleasant and easy, the weather thankfully holding off. As far as I am aware of, Snow's wound has healed and not much has disturbed it.

We finally do get to town around nightfall and she leads me to a single cabin upon the outskirts. It is small but appears cozy… Reminds me of the cabin that Daniel and I planned to run away to. Yet I have no intention of bringing it up for Snow's mood is more than ecstatic upon returning to her fiancée. And a large part of me is… hesitant.

She knocks on the door and I see a girl around the age of Snow open it to which she immediately tackles the princess into a hug. "Oh Gods! I got so worried! You were supposed to be here days ago! I thought something horrible happened. Do not scare me like that again. I swear to the Gods above! Get in here!" she laughs as she pulls Snow inside before wrapping her arms around her again, hugging her tightly. She pulls away, grasping Snow's face within her hands before kissing her deeply. I feel something pierce my heart and I begin to grow sick to my stomach as all I feel is nothing but jealousy, anger, even hatred towards her fiancée to whom I have yet to speak a word to.

I notice that before Red could go any further, Snow pulls away, gesturing to me. "Red, I would like you to meet Wilma. Wilma, Red," she smiles. Red immediately gives me a warm smile, beginning to walk up to me with an extended hand. She stops however, her eyes narrowing as she backs up. My stomach tightens. Could she-? Would she be able to tell who I am? That is not possible, right? Surely…

"Snow…" she starts, still eyeing me up and down. "Where did you meet her? Whose kingdom?"

"Regina's… Why?" she asks, looking completely confused.

"… And she does not know her? At all? Because she smells exactly like her… Like, not even a person of the kingdom but exactly like Regina."

Snow turns to me and I know well that I am certainly pale. I say nothing though, hoping that the time we have spent together would tell her otherwise. "No. I do not think so. You must be mistaken, Red. For one, she looks nothing like her."

"Sure, but there are spells and potions that modify how people look."

"No," Snow repeats. "Wilma is one of the kindest people I have ever met. And I think if she were Regina, she would have killed me by now. There is no reason to keep me alive and we were practically in the middle of nowhere for a large chunk of time."

"Snow-!" Red's face and eyes grow worried, upset. She turns to her lover. "S-snow… Do you-? I mean, I do not think this is something you should risk! Maybe-! I-!"

The princess gently takes Red's face akin to what she did before, looking her dead in the eyes as she strokes her hair gently to soothe her. "Relax, love, relax," she whispers. "Everything is fine. I am alright. I am alive, am I not?"

"Yes, but what if you were not? What if you trusted her and she decided that she did want to kill you? And you did not make it at all? Snow, if I am to lose you… You are all I have. I mean, granny is one thing but… If you end up going like Peter… You must take care of yourself. If not for you, then for me," she begs, staring at her through teary years. Snow leans in, tenderly kissing away a tear that fell. And another and yet another. She leads Red to the couch, holding the girl as she cries, to which I am left standing there, feeling rather out of place, which is exactly what I have feared might happen.

Snow glances up, keeping an arm around the cloaked figure before ushering me inside of the cabin. "Go and meet Granny. She will get you situated," she smiles gently to which I nod, leaving the room.

The old woman that I meet up with is Granny, I presume. She does not say much but it is easy to tell that she has a kind heart. Nor does she ask any questions, stating that a friend of her soon to be granddaughter-in-law is her friend and that I am to be treated as family. But that is not what I am concerned about. I do not fear Red discovering who I am. As long as Snow does not believe her. But of course she would. She would believe her lover over a person she met about a month ago any day, right? Even if Snow does not believe her, Red is going to attempt to keep me at a distance no matter what.

I am led to a separate room, the room quaint with a fireplace large enough to provide enough warmth for the area. Granny closes the door behind her to give me privacy to which I light the fire, taking off the skins and furs, setting the bags down. I groan in relief before collapsing on the bed. I do not even bother to get beneath the covers, the simple fact that I am on a real bed and not the ground sufficient upon sending me to sleep.

I am unaware of how long I have rested for, waking up to Snow gently shaking me. She sits on the edge of the bed, holding a bowl filled with some type of broth. "You must have been exhausted. You slept two days away. I only woke you to give you some form of food or else you will have a worse time getting up, if you do."

I simply nod in return, the grogginess definitely making me feel as though I have slept more than I should have. I attempt to thank her yet my voice gets stuck in my throat so I merely nod again. I sit up, or try, ultimately failing in that and I start to grow rather annoyed. Snow seems to notice this to which she offers an understanding smile. She walks over and wraps an arm around my shoulders, helping me sit up. She also repositions the pillows in such a way that allows me to sit properly. I only now am capable of acknowledging the soreness of my muscles.

"You know, I have some healing salve for your muscles, if you would like to try that. You seem quite stiff."

"Please," I manage to whisper out. She carefully hands the bowl of soap to me, a thick cloth wrapped around the bowl to ensure that I do not get burned. She leaves and returns shortly after to where I was incapable of even getting a few spoonfuls of soup in.

"You can eat while I apply the salve., I can start your back while you eat. If you do not mind, can you take off your shirt?"

I try not to blush but that is almost impossible, especially since I am so out of it. I undo the laces of my shirt without a word, allowing it to fall off my shoulders. I keep my eyes closed, finding it a much better way in dealing with my embarrassment. I am thankful that my bra is left on but I did not think it needed to be taken off to begin with.

She goes behind me and all I hear is an "oh, wow". My eyebrow arches in confusion upon that.

"Is something wrong?"

"Your back is really bruised. Why did you not say something beforehand? I could have made some salve."

"I… I did not realise," I admit truthfully. "It has been hurting me for a while but I did not think much of it. I figured that it was because we were traveling so much."

"You should have told me," she scolds gently, much akin how I would when she was younger. I shudder as she places the salve on my back, the coldness unexpected.

"Could have warned me," I mumble, glaring over my shoulder to her.

"Sorry," she hums in return, rubbing it in. I moan despite my angry gaze, the coolness almost immediately soothing the burning throbbing of the bruises. "I do not believe that I have to apologise now," Snow chuckles to which I roll my eyes at, a jesting smile resting upon my lips.

"I suppose not but better safe than sorry so just thread lightly."

"Yes, ma'am," she laughs in return and my smile broadens upon our playful dialect. "Eat, Wilma," she gently reminds me to which I realise that I had completely forgotten about the bowl I was holding. I curse beneath my breath, Snow shaking her head. "Not too loud. Granny does not take kindly to those that curse in her household."

"She will not kick me out. I have you to back me up," I respond, smiling at the laughter that fills the air.

"I am only capable of so much. Granny is much stronger than she appears to be, especially if she gets ahold of a broom. Red will cower behind me, even as a wolf."

"Where is Red?" I inquire, rather surprised that Snow is in here with me rather than her.

"She went out for a run, why? You seem shocked that she is not with me."

"W-well," I stutter, attempting to find an answer that would not offend her nor give her the wrong idea. "I simply thought because you were so happy when you saw her."

"Certainly. But that does not mean I have to spend every second of every day with her. Just as much time as we spend together, we are allowed to spend apart. It is necessary as well as healthy, else being together will not feel as specifically if you understand what I am saying."

"I suppose," I mumble, staring at the fireplace that holds a blaze. We grow quiet and the atmosphere is calm and comfortable. I am the most relaxed that I have been in years.