Opening Montage
Music: "High School Never Ends" by Bowling For Soup
Open with a shot of Quinn in the kitchen making a S'mores 'n' Pores video. From there cut to a shot of Jim in the garage making a Jim The Car Guy video. From there we cut to a shot of Tommy, Timmy and Teddy at school. They look bored in class. Cut to a shot of them at recess. Tommy is visibly lording over the other kids while Timmy is among Tommy's obvious admirers. Teddy sits alone reading. He looks up from his book to shake his head disdainfully at his brothers. After this cut to a shot of Quinn, Jim, the boys and Daria in church as a bride walks down the aisle. While the rest of the family is visibly moved Daria pulls up a newspaper and starts reading while Teddy does the exact same thing. From there cut to a shot of Jim at a bar drinking beer with Jamie, Tom and Trent. We then cut to a shot of Quinn, Nicole and Sandi gossiping at a cafe table. Pan over to reveal Daria and Jane standing nearby giving them disdainful looks. Next, a shot of Timmy doing magic tricks. While the other adults are amused Jim is visibly embarrassed. Next shot is Tommy impressing kids with graffiti. Jim sees this and chases Tommy down in a manner similar to Homer chasing down Bart. Cut to Teddy with a Daria like smirk on his face. Finally, a shot of Quinn and Jim standing in their suburban front yard with the triplets standing in front of them. Daria joins the family in the portrait like shot and they're all smiles. A circle forms around the family portrait (which includes Daria) with the following caption at the bottom...
The Carbones
in
"Tommy's War"
written by
WildDogJJ
Act I
Scene 1
Ext. Shot: Casa Carbone, morning
Int. Shot: The kitchen
The whole family, including Daria, is seated at the kitchen table having breakfast.
Timmy: "Mom, can I be in one of your videos?"
Quinn smiles at her son.
Quinn: "Of course, Timmy. Mind if I ask why?"
Timmy explains his reasoning.
Timmy: "I wanna learn how to make desserts."
As Quinn smiles proudly Tommy immediately tries to shut down his brother's idea.
Tommy: "Timmy, are you crazy!? All our friends will hate us if you do something girly!"
Cut to Teddy, Daria and Jim burying their faces in their newspapers in an attempt to avoid this conversation. Cut to Quinn.
Quinn: "Excuse me! Tommy, if your brother wants to learn how to bake you can't tell him no!"
Tommy: (whiny) "But Moooommm, that's girl stuff! I can tell everyone Teddy's my cousin, but they know Timmy's my brother! If he's in one of your videos I'll lose all my popularity!"
Timmy: "It's okay, Mom. You don't have to let me be in one of your dessert vids."
Quinn: "Timmy, you don't have to do what your brother says. If you want to be in one of my videos then I'd be happy to include you." She turns to Tommy. "And you stop bossing your brother around. He wants to be in a S'mores 'n' Pores video and that's fine!"
Cut to Jim burying his face in the newspaper. Cut to Quinn seeing this.
Quinn: (slightly irritated) "You know, Jim, I'd appreciate it if you back me up on this one."
Jim put the newspaper down and sighed. So much for avoiding an awkward conversation.
Jim: "Um...Timmy...uh..."
Quinn rolls her eyes.
Quinn: "You don't want me to know you agree with Tommy, don't you?"
Jim: (nervous) "I didn't say that...necessarily."
Quinn gives her husband a piercing look.
Jim: (sigh) "Fine. Quinn, Tommy's right. If Timmy appears in one of your videos the other boys will think he's girly and make fun of him, and that's the best case scenario."
Timmy: "Why?"
Tommy: "Because baking and make up is girl's stuff."
Jim: "Timmy, he's right. You appear in one of your mother's videos and you'll get beat up at school."
Teddy lowers his newspaper and offers his take.
Teddy: "Dad and Tommy are right, Timmy. It's not fair, but that's just how it is."
Quinn immediately turns to her sister.
Quinn: "Daria, a little help here?"
Daria doesn't even bother putting her newspaper down.
Daria: "Quinn, I'm not touching this issue with a hundred foot pole."
Quinn glares menacingly at her sister.
Scene 2
Ext. Shot: Billy Joel Elementary School, day
It's morning and the children are filing into school. Teddy is walking with his only friend, Rachel White (Jamie and Nicole's daughter).
Teddy: "...so now Timmy's gonna be in one of my Mom's videos. I just told him what will happen if he is and left it at that."
Rachel: "I thought you didn't care about being popular. Isn't that Tommy's thing?"
Teddy: "That's why I only got involved when I had no choice." Pause as Teddy smirks. "Though, it is gonna be fun to see Tommy lose his 'King Of The Schoolyard' status over this."
Rachel giggled. As the two outcasts continued toward class neither of them noticed Shane Sloane eavesdropping on the conversation. The spoiled rich bully has an evil smirk on his face.
Cut to outside the classroom and we see a bunch of first graders hanging out. One of them is Tommy. Timmy is also in this group. Suddenly, Shane approaches. As usual, he's accompanied by Al and Lou.
Shane: "Well, well, Tommy and Titty Carbone. What's up?"
Tommy smiles politely while Timmy, who's sensitive about his weight, holds his arms over his chest.
Tommy: "Hey, Shane."
Shane waists no time in trying to knock Tommy off his throne and take his position.
Shane: "So, Titty, I heard you want to be in one of 'mommy's' baking videos."
The way Shane said mommy was especially condescending. Before Timmy can respond Shane turns his attention to Tommy.
Shane: "Is you brother, like, a fag or something?"
Tommy becomes angry.
Tommy: "Don't call my brother a fag, Shane!"
Shane: "I'll call that fat wuss what he is."
Some kids seem willing to spring to Tommy and Timmy's defense until the sight of Al and Lou balling up their fists makes them think better of it.
Tommy: "First off, what makes you think Timmy wants to be in one of my mom's videos?"
Shane smirks as he moves in for the kill, showing that he is his mother's son (his mother is Sandi).
Shane: "I heard your weirdo, brain brother talking about it with his weirdo girlfriend."
The other kids gasped in shock.
Boy: "That freak Teddy's your brother!"
Girl: "You said he was just a cousin!"
Second boy: "Are you and Timmy freaks too!?"
Tommy seethes with rage as Shane grins in triumph. He twists the knife even further.
Shane: "That's right! The coolest kid in school is related to a bunch of freaks!" He points at Tommy and speaks in a taunting tone. "Loser! Loser!"
Cut to Al and Lou looking at the other kids in the group. Feeling the pressure, they all join Shane in mocking Tommy.
All kids: "LOSER! LOSER! LOSER! LOSER!"
Tommy becomes so enraged that he actually punches Shane.
Tommy: "DON'T CALL ME A LOSER, YOU RICH FAGGOT!"
Shane staggers back and is visibly stunned. The other kids all gasp in shock as this is the first time one of Shane Sloane's victims dared to fight back. Suddenly, one of the kids points.
Kid: "SHANE, YOU'RE BLEEDING!"
Cut to Shane as we see a drop of blood running from his nose. He wipes it with his hand, then looks at Tommy with murderous rage in his eyes.
Shane: "CARBONE!"
Tommy says nothing as Shane crowds him. Tommy doesn't even flinch.
Tommy: "WHAT!? YOU WANT SOME MORE!?"
Shane glares menacingly.
Shane: "AL! LOU!"
Al and Lou crowd around Tommy. All anger drains from Tommy's face as he realizes that he's about to suffer the usual penalty for defying Shane, a beating from Al and Lou. Before they come to blows, however, the warning bell rings. Cut to one of the other kids.
Kids: "Five minutes until class starts!"
Al and Lou back away from Tommy as Shane groans in frustration. Any relief Tommy feels being saved by the bell proves cruelly short lived, however, as Shane gets right in his face.
Shane: "Baseball field, after school. Be there if you aren't a pussy."
Shane, Al and Lou enter the classroom as Tommy gulps with dread.
Scene 3
Ext. Shot: Billy Joel Elementary School, later that same day
Int. Shot: Mrs. Henderson's classroom
As the teacher, a thirty-something brunette known as Mrs. Henderson, is drawing basic addition problems on the chalk board Tommy sits in his seat with a frightened look on his face. Squiggle screen as we transition to a fantasy.
Ext. Shot: Baseball field, after school
Tommy and Shane size each other up.
Shane: "Al, Lou, kill him!"
Al and Lou suddenly turn into versions of The Incredible Hulk.
Al and Lou: "WE SMASH!"
The hulk versions of Al and Lou pound Tommy into the ground until there's nothing left of him but a bloody stain on the dirt. Cut to a funeral home. It's Tommy's wake and people he knows are passing by his closed casked. First was his grandfather, Tony.
Tony: "So, you're just as much of a pussy as your father!"
Next are Jake and Helen.
Jake: (angry) "We missed a Caribben Cruise because of this! GAH, DAMMIT!"
Helen: (sharp) "JAKE!" Her phone rings and she answers. "Why yes, we're still on for that trip to Hawaii...Nothing important, just our grandson's funeral."
Next are some of Tommy's friends, including Mike Cucina. They're smiling.
Mike: "We got let out of school for this! Thanks, man!"
Next, Tommy's family.
Quinn: (to Timmy and Teddy) "I hope you're proud of yourselves. YOUR BROTHER'S DEAD BECAUSE YOU TWO CAN'T BE NORMAL!"
Jim: "Yeah! Tommy was my favorite."
Daria: "I don't give a damn."
Finally, Shane, Al and Lou approach the casket.
Shane: "Finish him off, guys!"
Al and Lou pound Tommy's casket into saw dust. Sguiggle screen as fantasy ends.
Int. Shot: Mrs. Henderson's classroom
Tommy looks absolutely terrified.
Tommy: "EEP!"
Scene 4
Ext. Shot: A baseball field at a park next door to the school, day
Zoom in as we see a bunch of kids from Billy Joel Elementary. Tommy's standing on home plate and is visibly nervous.
Tommy: (thought VO) Maybe Shane will fight me himself this time! I can take him!
Tommy frowns.
Tommy: (thought VO) Who am I kidding? He'll just have Al and Lou pound me into the dirt! I...am...so...DEAD!
Cut to Shane approaching. As expected, he has Al and Lou with him. Soon, Tommy and Shane are standing face to face.
Shane: "Ready to get your ass kicked?"
Tommy: "By who? You, or the moron twins?"
Cut to the kids all watching.
Kids: "Ooooooooooooo!"
Tommy senses a way to make this fight one he can win.
Tommy: "What, Shane? You scared to fight me yourself?"
Shane: "No." He then makes himself loud enough to be heard by everyone. "BUT YOU JUST CALLED AL AND LOU MORONS, SO I'LL LET THEM HAVE YOU FIRST!"
Al then shoves Tommy into the dirt.
Music: "The Warrior" by Disturbed
Tommy tries to get up only to have Lou shove him from behind. Before Tommy can get back up Al kicks him in the face. Then, Lou picks him up. As Lou stands Tommy up Al moves in for the kill. Tommy kicks him in the knee.
Al: "AHHHHH!"
As Al rubs the pain out of his knee Tommy manages to wiggle out of Lou's graps and kick sand in Al's eyes.
Al: "AHHHH! I'M GONNA KILL YOU, YOU LITTLE SHIT!"
Tommy ignores this as he punches Lou in the gut. When Lou leans forward in pain Tommy punches him in the nose so hard that he staggers back. Cut to a closeup of Lou and we see that his nose is bleeding profusely. Cut to Tommy visibly satisfied that he drew first blood. Lou then throws a punch that Tommy ducks. Tommy then punches Lou in the face. Pan out to reveal Al senaking up on Tommy as he keeps landing hard punches on Lou. Cut to one of the spectators.
Kid: "TOMMY, LOOK OUT!"
Before Tommy can react Al tackles him from behind and sends him face first into the dirt. Al and Lou then crowd Tommy, who had the wind knocked out of him by that surprise tackle. They both proceed to pound Tommy into the dirt with a ferociuos flurry of punches and kicks.
As Tommy gets beaten senseless we cut to where the other kids are watching. We see that one of the spectators is Timmy.
Timmy: "THAT'S NOT FAIR!"
Cut to Tommy, who's now a blood soaked rag doll as Al and Lou continue to pound him without mercy. Cut to Shane, watching his lackeys pummel Tommy with a sadistic smirk on his face, then cut to one of the girls in the group. This girl looks like a pre-teen version of Sandi as she's Shane's sister, Lexi.
Lexi: "DAMMIT, SHANE, HE'S HAD ENOUGH!"
Cut to Timmy.
Timmy: "LEAVE HIM ALONE, SHANE!"
Shane ignores his sister but does snap at Timmy.
Shane: "SHUT UP, TITTY! I DECIDE WHEN HE'S HAD ENOUGH!" Shane turns his attention to Al and Lou. "THAT'S ENOUGH!"
Al and Lou cease their merciless beating. Cut back to Shane.
Shane: "STAND HIM UP!"
Al and Lou each grab Tommy and stand him up. Tommy's covered in dirt and his own blood. He's bleeding profusely out of both his nose and his mouth and one of his eyes is purple and swollen shut. Indeed, we're shocked to see that he's still conscious. Shane walks up to him.
Shane: "Ready to give up, Tommy?"
Tommy uses his last bit of strength to answer Shane by spitting in his face. After wiping the bloody spittle off Shane balls up his fists.
Shane: "You're dead, Carbone!"
Shane proceeds to beat Tommy like a rag doll, taking full advantage of the fact that the beating from Al and Lou has left Tommy in no shape to defend himself.
Scene 5
Ext. Shot: Casa Carbone, later that afternoon
Int. Shot: The home office
Quinn was paying some bills when Jim comes in.
Jim: "Where are the boys? School let out almost two hours ago."
Quinn: "Teddy's up in his room studying. He said Tommy and Timmy are hanging out with Mike Cucina."
Cut to the front door as it opens. A bruised and bloody Tommy is being helped in by Timmy and Rachel.
Rachel: "If we keep quiet we can get him to his room before your parents notice."
That plan immediately fails as Quinn exits the office, having heard the door open, and gasps at the sight of a bloodied Tommy being helped by his brother and Jamie and Nicole's daughter.
Quinn: "MY GOD! What happened?"
Tommy coughed up some dirt.
Tommy: "I paid the price for having geek brothers."
As Jim enters his eyes go wide.
Jim: "WHAT THE HELL!?"
All three kids remain silent until...
Quinn: "Okay, if that's all I'm getting out of you three I'll just call Mrs. Cucina and see what she has to say about this."
Rachel: "Mike didn't do this to him, Mrs. Carbone."
Timmy: "Shane, Al and Lou beat Tommy up after school, Mom."
Neither Quinn nor Jim say anything, but it's clear by their expressions that they want the kids to explain further.
Tommy: "Shane told everyone that Teddy's my brother."
Timmy: "He was also making fun of me for wanting to be in one of your videos. Tommy got so mad that he actually punched Shane."
Jim smiles proudly.
Jim: "Way to go, Tommy! Always stand up to bullys."
This gets him a death stare from Quinn.
Jim: (nervous) "Um...What happened next?"
Rachel: "Shane sicced Al and Lou on him, but the bell rang before anything happened so Shane challenged Tommy to meet him at the ball park after school. Me, Timmy, Mike and a bunch of others went to see the fight."
Timmy is visibly struggling not to cry.
Timmy: "Al and Lou beat him up, then Shane finished him off and...and...AND IT'S ALL MY FAULT! WAAAAAHHHHH!"
Parental fury is written all over Quinn's face.
Quinn: "THAT'S IT! I'M CALLING SANDI!"
Jim, Tommy, Timmy and Rachel: "NO!"
Quinn: "What do you all mean 'no'?"
Tommy: (pleading) "If you call Shane's mom it means I'm a rat!"
Rachel: "Mrs. Carbone, that just means Shane and his two neanderthals will beat Tommy up even worse tomorrow!"
Jim nodded in agreement.
Jim: "That's usually how it goes, Quinn."
Quinn sighed in defeat.
Quinn: "I...I see your point. It was the same way when we were your age. Still, I can't just let some bully get away with beating up on my son."
Jim: "Quinn, the school won't do anything because they're addicted to the donations they get from the Sloane's. You can't tell the school and if you tell Sandi then it's gonna turn all the other kids against Tommy."
Cut to the living room. Daria had been eavesdropping on the whole conversation. She whips out her cell phone.
Daria: "Hello, Tom." Pause. "Actually, I need to talk to you about your son."
Act II
Scene 2
Ext. Shot: Sloane Manor, day
Int. Shot: One of the estate's many sitting rooms
Quinn and Sandi are chatting over tea. Sandi appears less than thrilled, which Quinn notices.
Quinn: "Something wrong, Sandi? You sounded pretty insistent when you suddenly invited me to spend a Saturday afternoon having tea with you."
Sandi: "Actually, Kuh-winn, this isn't a social call. Yesterday Tom recieved a phone call from your sister."
Quinn misreads the situation.
Quinn: "Sandi, they dated in high school. I really don't think they wanna rekindle an old flame twenty years after they broke up."
Sandi tries not to laugh.
Sandi: "It's not why I'm upset. I'm upset by what your sister told my husband, some rather unsettling things about our son. Tom say Daria claimed Shane and his friends beat up Tommy after school. I think it's bullshit, as I know I would've heard it from you if that were the case. What I want to know is why your sister is lying about my son."
Quinn sighed.
Quinn: "It's true. I didn't call because I knew Tommy would be labled a snitch if I did. I didn't know that Daria went ahead and called you guys anyway."
Sandi looks stunned, as if the idea of her sweet little boy actually being a bully is beyond the realm of possibility. Quinn continues.
Quinn: "Yesterday after school Shane and Tommy got into a fight. Apparently, Shane had those two knuckle-dragging friends of his, Al and Lou, work Tommy over pretty good. Once Tommy was too worn out to defend himself Shane joined in and started beating him. You should've seen Tommy when he came home all bloody and bruised."
Sandi now has a look of determination on her face.
Sandi: "SHANE!"
A few seconds later, Shane enters the room.
Shane: "Yes, Mom?"
Sandi: "Mrs. Carbone just told me an interesting story. She told me that you and the Scapelli boys beat up Tommy after school yesterday."
Shane immediately makes with the crocodile tears.
Shane: "Mommy, that's not true! Tommy tried to beat me up after school! Al and Lou saw what was going on and protected me, I swear!"
Quinn isn't buying Shane's victim act. Sandi, on the other hand...
Sandi: "Shane, it's okay."
She turns to Quinn.
Sandi: "I wish I could say this is the first time. Quinn, you need to get your house in order."
Quinn takes offense.
Quinn: "Excuse me!? You didn't see all the cuts and bruises Tommy came home with!"
Shane: "Mommie, she's lying! I...Everyone at school hu...sniff...HATES ME! WAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!"
Shane makes a very convincing show of crying.
Shane: "I...sniff...I ju...just wanna be Tommy's fr...sniffle...friend...and...AND HE TRIED TO BEAT ME UP!"
Sandi: "Ohhh, Shane! Come here!"
Shane runs up to his mother, who pulls him into a soothing hug. As Shane continues to fake cry Sandi speaks to Quinn.
Sandi: "This happens all the time, Quinn. Tom insists the kids attend public school. Says it's good for them to socialize with the less fortunate. Unfortunately, the other kids are jealous because Shane and Lexi are rich. They both get picked on mercilessly as a result."
Quinn is totally taken aback by this.
Quinn: "Are you kidding me!? I happen to know that both you and Tom are generous donors to the school. The principal once straight up told me they don't discipline Shane and Lexi because they're afraid you guys will stop donating if they do."
Sandi doesn't believe it.
Sandi: "That's ridiculous, Kuh-winn!"
Shane: "Muh...sniff...Mommy, she's lying!"
Sandi chooses to believe Shane rather than Quinn.
Sandi: "I think you'd best leave."
Quinn: "But...but..."
Sandi: "Leave...NOW!"
Letting out a defeated sigh, Quinn gets up and leaves. As she reaches the door she takes one look behind her. Cut to her POV and we see Sandi continue to soothe Shane. Sandi doesn't see her son smile wickedly at Quinn and give her the one fingered salute.
Scene 2
Ext. Shot: Billy Joel Elementary School, Monday morning
Int. Shot: School hallway
Tommy, Timmy and Mike are making their way to class when their path is suddenly blocked by Shane, Al and Lou.
Shane: "You ratted on me, Tommy!"
Tommy: "No, I didn't!"
Al and Lou both ball up their fists. This causes both Timmy and Mike to run off.
Tommy: "GUYS, WHAT THE HELL!?"
Tommy is quickly surrounded.
Tommy: "eep!"
Shane: "Time to pay!"
The three of them proceed to beat Tommy up.
Int. Shot: Mrs. Henderson's classroom, later
As Mrs, Henderson writes some math problems on the chalk board we cut to a visibly roughed up Tommy. Shane hurls a spitball at him.
Tommy: "DAMMIT, SHANE!"
Mrs. Henderson turns around and scolds Tommy.
Mrs. Henderson: "No talking out of turn, Tommy!"
Tommy: "But..."
Mrs. Henderson: "No buts, young man!"
She returns to the lesson. Cut to Shane smirking in triumph.
Int. Shot: School cafeteria
Shane, Al and Lou approach the table. Shane takes Tommy's tray and dumps the food on him. Al and Lou then grab Tommy and drag him to the restroom to catch another beating from all three of them.
Ext. Shot: School playground
At recess all the other kids are playing while off in a corner Al and Lou stand Tommy up while Shane works him over.
Ext. Shot: The sidewalk, after school
Tommy and Timmy are walking home when they're suddenly cornered by Shane. Timmy runs away frightened as Al and Lou beat up Tommy while Shane looks on and smirks.
Int. Shot: School restroom
A cornered Tommy's catching another beatdown from Al and Lou while Shane enjoys the show.
Ext. Shot: School playground
Tommy's being beat up at recess yet again.
Ext. Shot: Sidewalk on the way home
Shane, Al and Lou jump Tommy again.
Int. Shot: School hallway
Al and Lou beat Tommy up. After the beating Shane walks over and takes Tommy's lunch money.
Int. Shot: Classroom
Shane throws his textbook at the teacher when she isn't looking. He successfully blames Tommy.
Ext. Shot: School entrance
Tommy emerges after serving detention only to find Shane, Al and Lou waiting for him. Another beating ensues.
Int. Shot: School restroom
Al and Lou are dunking Tommy's head in the toilet while Shane watches with a sadistic grin on his face.
Ext. Shot: School playground
Tommy's getting another beating from Al and Lou. Cut to a beat up Tommy being stood up by them while Shane works him over.
Ext. Shot: Sidewalk
Tommy's jumped by the three of them again.
Scene 3
Ext. Shot: Casa Carbone, day
Int. Shot: Living room
Timmy's doing homework while Teddy reads Sun Tzu's "The Art Of War". Quinn and Jim aren't there as they have a meeting with a potential sponsor and Daria's not there because she has a job interview that will NOT result in her getting the job.
Timmy: "Where's Tommy?"
Teddy puts down the book and looks at his watch.
Teddy: "Three...two..."
Before he gets to one we hear the front door open. Cut to the front entrance and we see a visibly roughed up Tommy stagger in. Teddy and Timmy enter.
Teddy: "Another day, another beating."
Tommy lets out a defeated sigh.
Teddy: "You know, you can't go on like this."
Tommy: "Teddy, what can I do? I could take Shane but by the time Al and Lou are done I'm too beat up to do anything but take Shane's punches."
Timmy: "He's right, Teddy. You'd need an army to take those guys on."
Teddy: "So, get an army."
Tommy looks puzzled.
Tommy: "How?"
Teddy: "I don't know, but we know someone who does."
Tommy: "Who?"
Teddy walks into the office, picks up the phone and dials a number.
Scene 4
Ext. Shot: Casa Carbone, the next day
Int. Shot: Front hallway
Someone is pounding on the door and ringing the bell. Jim emerges from the office.
Jim: "AWRIGHT, HOLD YOUR GODDAMN HORSES!"
Jim opens the door and all color instantly vanishes from his face when he sees who it is. Cut to his POV and we see Tony.
Tony: "'Bout time, ya fuckin' pantywaist!"
Cut to third person.
Jim: "D...Dad, what are you doing here!?"
Tony: "Your boys called and asked for my help 'cause your too much of a crybaby to teach 'em to be men. Now, you gonna let me in or do I have ta knock your ass out, you prison bitch!?"
Int. Shot: Tommy's room, a minute later
Tommy's reading a comic book when the door opens. In comes Tony, accompanied by Timmy and Teddy.
Tony: "Hey, little buddy! The cavalry's arrived!"
Tommy: "Grandpa!"
He runs up to Tony and hugs him. Tony's uncharacteristically friendly as he returns the hug and smiles. Cut to Timmy and Teddy.
Timmy: "You sure this'll work?"
Teddy: "Yes. Grandpa Tony's the toughest Carbone alive."
As the hug ends both Tommy and Tony sit down on the bed.
Tony: "So, gimmie a sitrep."
Tommy: "This kid named Shane's been bullying me all week. I can take him. Problem his he has his friends gang up on me first and I can't take those two gorillas, none of the kids at school can."
Teddy continues.
Teddy: "When Al and Lou are done Shane beats him up. By that point, Tommy's too worn out to fight back."
Tony's eyes narrow menacingly.
Tony: "Sound's to me like this Shane kid's a pussy ass who has these two morons do all the fightin' for him."
All three triplets nod.
Tony: "You got any allies?"
Tommy: "No one wants to mess with Shane Sloane."
Teddy: "The reason being that they're all scared of Al and Lou, who'll do whatever Shane tells them."
Tony looks thoughtful for a second.
Tony: "Ya know how ya win a war against an enemy who fights dirty?"
All three triplets shake their heads.
Tony: "Ya gotta fight even dirtier!"
Timmy: "How, Grandpa?"
Tony: "Ya need to get your own forces together, then ya train like there's no tomorrow and build up a strategy."
Teddy: "Tommy, as much as I don't care about popularity I can safely assume that we aren't the only ones sick of Shane's crap and sick of being unable to do anything about it. Since you socialize so much get in contact with every kid you know. Tell them if they're sick of Shane Sloane to meet us here."
Tony grins.
Tony: "Once we've got our recruits, we train 'em 'til they're ready. Then, we strike."
Tony and the triplets file out of the room.
Scene 5
Ext. Shot: Casa Carbone, later that day
Music: "Patton Theme"
A bunch of first graders are gathered in the Carbone's back yard. Tommy stands at a makeshift podium and waits for the talk to die down. Cut to the assembled group, which consists of almost every first grader at Billy Joel Elementary School. Rachel White is surprised to find Lexi Sloane among them.
Rachel: (icy tone) "What are you doing here, Lexi? Shane's your brother."
Lexi: "Yes, but I want to play a part in his downfall. This way, I can fill the vacancy he leaves in the school pecking order."
Rachel rolls her eyes. It doesn't surprise her that Lexi would turn on her brother if she thought there were popularity points to be won. Cut to the podium.
Tommy: "Everyone, we all know why we're here, but just in case, we're here because I have a plan to get Shane Sloane off all our backs."
One of the kids speak up.
Kid: "Tommy, Shane's top dog at school. We go against him and he'll put Al and Lou on us."
Tommy: "That's why we're gonna train. We're going to make ourselves stronger, braver and smarter. Then, those two idiots won't stand a chance. We'll learn to use paintball guns, water balloons and waste buckets with brutal efficiency. We'll learn to use the streets of this town to our advantage. It'll be hard, but if we don't then we'll never be free of Shane Sloane's tyranny. This is our chance to get him off our backs for good. Now, who wants to keep being pushed around by Shane and his gorillas...AND WHO WANTS TO FIGHT BACK!?"
The kids all cheer in support. Once the cheering dies down, Tommy smiles.
Tommy: "Now, allow me to introduce the man who'll make us into an unstoppable army. My grandfather, Tony Carbone."
Tommy steps down from the podium and Tony takes his place.
Tony: "I AM SERGEANT MAJOR TONY CARBONE, RETIRED UNITED STATES ARMY AND YOUR SENIOR DRILL INSTRUCTOR. UNTIL YOU ARE READY TO TAKE ON SHANE SLOANE AND HIS LACKEYS YOU WILL SPEAK ONLY WHEN SPOKEN TO, AND YOU WILL ADDRESS ME AS DRILL SERGEANT! DO I MAKE MYSELF CLEAR?"
Kids: "Yes, drill sergeant!"
Tony: "I CAN'T FUCKIN' HEAR YOU PUSSY ASS PUKES!"
Kids: (louder) "Yes, drill sergeant!"
Tony: "I STILL CAN'T FUCKIN' HEAR YOU! SOUND OFF LIKE YOU GOT A GODDAMN PAIR!"
Kids: "YES, DRILL SERGEANT!"
Tony: "I'M A BADASS WAR HERO! I KILLED A HUNDRED GOOKS WHEN I WAS IN VIETNAM, TERRORISTS AND COMMIES WHEN I WAS IN DELTA FORCE AND KILLED ME EVEN MORE AS A MERCENARY AFTER THAT! WHEN I'M DONE, YOU'LL BE ABLE TO DO THE SAME! NOW, WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO!?"
Kid: "Um...fight Shane, Al and Lou?"
Tony: "NO, YOU FUCKING CUM STAIN! WE'RE GOING TO KILL, KILL, KILL! WHAT'S SHANE AND HIS BUNCH GONNA DO!? DIE, THAT'S WHAT THEY'RE GONNA DO! DO I MAKE MYSELF CLEAR!?"
Kids: "YES, DRILL SERGEANT!"
Tony: "WHAT'RE WE GONNA DO!?"
Kids: "KILL, KILL, KILL!"
Tony: "WHAT'S SHANE GONNA DO!?"
Kids: "DIE, DIE, DIE!"
Tony: "ATTEN...HUT!"
The kids all stand at attention.
Tony: "FORWARD MARCH! MOVE IT! MOVE IT! MOVE IT!"
And so the brutal process of turning most of the towns six and seven years olds into badass warriors began.
Act III
Ext. Shot: A nature trail in the park
Music: "Yankee Doodle" instrumental
Tony is leading the kids on a speed march.
Tony: "I LIKE MARCHING TO THE MORNING SUN!"
Kids: "I LIKE MARCHING TO THE MORNING SUN!"
Tony: "GONNA MARCH ALL DAY 'TILL THE MARCHINGS DONE!"
Kids: "GONNA MARCH ALL DAY 'TILL THE MARCHINGS DONE!"
Cut to the kids in a gymnasium fighting dummies. In perfect synchronization they mime ducking a blow and landing a couter-strike. With each blow landed on a dummy the kids chant in unison.
Kids: "KILL!"
Repeat action.
Kids: "KILL!"
Repeat action.
Kids: "KILL!"
Cut to Tony and Tommy observing with satisfied grins.
Kids: (VO, off screen) "KILL!"
Cut to a shooting range. The kids are firing rifles at sillhouette targets. Tony sees the target and becomes angry due to the lesst than ideal grouping.
Tony: "NO, DAMMIT! LIKE THIS!"
Tony pulls out his .45 automatic and shoots each fresh target. Cut to Tony showing the targets he shot to the kids. Each one has a bullet hole in the dead center of the sillhouette's head.
Tony: "HEAD SHOTS ONLY! YOU WANT YOUR TARGET TO DIE WITH A SINGLE SHOT, OR YOU'RE DEAD...AND THE SOLDIERS IN THIS ARMY AREN'T ALLOWED TO DIE WITHOUT PERMISSION! DO I MAKE MYSELF CLEAR!?"
Kids: "YES, DRILL SERGEANT!"
Cut to the kids shooting their paint ball guns again. They all make dead center head shots.
Cut to Tommy leading the kids on a speed march through the woods.
Tommy: "IN MY CLASS I DID THE BEST!"
Kids: "IN MY CLASS I DID THE BEST!"
Tommy: "BECAUSE I CHEATED ON THE TEST!"
Kids: " BECAUSE I CHEATED ON THE TEST!"
Cut to the kids running an obsticle course. Teddy is holding a stop watch as he observes. He looks at the time and shakes his head in disappointment.
Cut to another speed march. This time it's Teddy who's leading them.
Teddy: "I DON'T KNOW, BUT I'VE BEEN TOLD!"
Kids: "I DON'T KNOW, BUT I'VE BEEN TOLD!"
Teddy: "YOU NEVER GROW UP, JUST GET REAL OLD!"
Kids: "YOU NEVER GROW UP, JUST GET REAL OLD!"
Cut to a shot of the kids at the shooting range. Tony smiles proudly as they all score perfect kill shots.
Cut to an open field that's being used as an artillery range. The kids are using water balloons to simulate grenades.
Cut to another speed march. Tony's leading all the boys. Each one is holding up a paintball gun in one hand while holding their privates in the other.
Tony: (shaking his paint gun) "THIS IS MY RIFLE!" (shakes his privates) "THIS IS MY GUN!"
Kids: (shake their paint guns) "THIS IS FOR FIGHTING!" (shake their privates) "THIS IS FOR FUN!"
Cut to Rachel White leading the girls on a speed march.
Rachel: "OUR PARENTS ARE SO DUMB!"
Other kids: "OUR PARENTS ARE SO DUMB!"
Rachel: "CAN'T BELIEVE WE'RE FROM THEIR CUM!"
Other kids: "CAN'T BELIEVE WE'RE FROM THEIR CUM!"
Cut to the obstacle course. The kids are all navigating the course with a speed and grace that would make Bruce Lee proud. Teddy is timing them and visibly pleased with the progress.
Final shot is all the kids marching in unison. Cut to Tony and Tommy observing. Tommy's wearing a green hardhat with four stars on the front and aviator sunglasses. Tony smiles proudly.
Tommy: "They're ready!"
Tony: "Yep! We now got ourselves an army...OOH-RAH!"
Scene 2
Ext. Shot: Glenville Community Center, evening
Int. Shot: Auditorium
Music: "Patton Theme"
Every first grader in Glenville, minus Shane Sloane and his bunch, is gathered in the auditorium. On stage is a giant American flag as a backdrop. Timmy is on one side of the stage standing by the light switch. Teddy's in the overhead booth behind the kids ready to work the film projector. Tony enters the auditorium.
Tony: "TEN-HUT! GENERAL ON DECK!"
The kids all stand at attention and salute as Tommy takes the stage. He's wearing a battle helmit with four stars on it and carrying a whipping rod in one hand. He takes the podium at the center of the stage.
Tommy: "AT EASE, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN!"
The kids all sit down.
Tommy: "Tonight, we stand at a grand threshold! It's okay to be scared, but we cannot allow that fear to hold us back! Future generations will remember us as the greatest generation! We are the generation who answer the call of duty, for the future of all childkind we stand ready to fight and die! Future generations will remember us as the ones who stood for freedom! God willing, tomorrow will be a day long remembered! It will be remembered as the day we declared in one voice that we'll not stand for the tyranny and oppression of bullying! The day we declared in one voice that we will not go quietly into that good night, we will not go down without a fight! We will rise up to the challenge! We will end the tryanny that is Shane Sloane and his two goons, Al and Lou! TOMORROW IS OUR INDEPENDENCE DAY!"
The kids erupted into thunderous applause. Once the applause dies down...
Tommy: "Teddy, are the maps you downloaded ready for display?"
Cut to Teddy in the projection booth.
Teddy: "SIR, YES, SIR!"
Cut to the stage as a screen rolls down in front of the giant flag.
Tommy: "Timmy, the lights!"
Timmy shuts off the lights. A second later an image appears on the screen. It's a detailed map of the town's center with various points marked. Tommy turns to the map and uses his whipping rod as a pointer.
Tommy: "Tomorrow's Saturday. According to the latest intel, Shane and his two cronies will be at the movie theater. They plan to sneak into an R-rated film."
Tommy points to the theater's front entrance.
Tommy: "If they are successful, they'll emerge from here at approximately 1500 hours."
Tommy points to the rear of the theater.
Tommy: "If not, they will most likely be ejected from this exit at 1300."
He turns to face the audinece.
Tommy: "Rachel, have you staked out an observation point?"
Cut to Rachel White.
Rachel: "SIR, YES, SIR!"
Cut to Tommy.
Tommy: "Good! Now, either way Shane and his cohorts will follow this route!"
He points to the street and drags his rod in the direction they'll most likely go.
Tommy: "Taking this route to the Family Fun Center to play arcade games."
He points to an X drawn on the street.
Tommy: "Rachel will intercept them at this point and do something to provoke them. When Shane sends Al and Lou after her she'll lead them into this alley, where the first wave assault force led by Timmy will be lying in wait. Timmy, once Rachel's safely behind you guys I want you to unleash Hell."
Timmy: "SIR, YES, SIR!"
Tommy: "When Al and Lou run you guys pursue and chase them towards this point."
Another map appears on the screen. Tommy points out where Timmy's force is to pursue them.
Tommy: "The second wave, led by Mike, will stand by to launch a second attack. If they don't surrender, force them down this alley. There, Teddy will launch the third wave. Teddy, are the buckets of dog poop and cat piss ready?"
Cut to Teddy.
Teddy: "SIR, YES, SIR!"
Tommy: "Good! If they don't surrender we pursue to the following ambush point..."
The next map appears and Tommy points out the ambush point.
Tommy: "...here, where a third wave force led by Lexi and armed with water balloons full of pee will be waiting. We repeat all actions from there until Al and Lou have had enough and ditch Shane. Once that happens, I will approach him myself and give him one last chance to surrender. If he refuses, I'll kick his ass until he changes his mind."
With that, the projector shuts off and the lights come back on. Tommy proceeds to conclude the briefing.
Tommy: "Sleep well, everyone! Tomorrow, the liberation of Glenville from the clutches of Shane Sloane begins!"
The kids all chant in unison.
Kids: "HOORAH! HOORAH! HOORAH!"
Scene 3
Ext. Shot: Glenville Movie House, day
Music: Rambo Stalking Theme
Shane, Al and Lou emerge from the movie theater.
Al: "That movie was awesome!"
Lou: "Yeah! We saw Vanessa Hudgen's boobies!"
Shane: "Told ya they buy that sob story about our parents already being in there. Let's hit the arcade."
The three of them make their way down the street. Shane continues to drink a huge soda when Rachel appears in front of them, seemingly out of nowhere.
Rachel: "Hey, losers!"
Shane: "What do you want, art freak!"
Rachel: "THIS!"
She knocks Shane's soda out of his hands, causing it to spill all over him. After that, Rachel turns and runs.
Shane: "GET HER!"
Al: "You got it, boss!"
Al and Lou chase after Rachel. She turns down an alley and they follow her. The two gorillas stop suddenly. Cut to their POV and we see a huge group of kids all aiming paintball guns. Timmy's standing front and center.
Timmy: "COMMENCE FIRE!"
Cut to the street a few seconds later. Shane sees Al and Lou run out of the alley covered in paint.
Shane: "What the hell!?"
Al: "Thye've got paintball guns! They hurt!"
Lou: "RUN FOR IT, BOSS!"
At this point Shane sees the horde of kids led by Timmy. He immediately takes Lou's advice. Shane, Al and Lou run down the street as Timmy and his group give chase, mercilessly shooting paint balls at them the whole time. Shane and his two muscle heads turn down an alley. Suddenly, they freeze.
Shane: "eep!"
Cut to their POV and we see Tommy's best friend, Mike Cucina, at the head of a second force of kids armed with paintball guns.
Mike: "ATTACK!"
Cut to third person as Shane, Al and Lou all get shot up with paint at close range.
Shane, Al and Lou: "ow! OW! OWWWWW!"
The three bullies turn and run. As they run they continue to get chased down and shot at by both Timmy and Mike's forces. They run under some buildings with fire escapes. Cut to the fire escapes and we see Teddy and a bunch of other kids manning buckets filled with cat pee and dog poop.
Teddy: "On my command!"
Cut to his POV as Shane and his buddies pass directly under them. Cut back to Teddy.
Teddy: "NOW!"
Shane, Al and Lou are shocked as copius amounts of cat urine and dog feces suddenly rain down on them.
Shane: "GROSS!"
Another wave of kids emerges armed with paintball guns. Shane, Al and Lou all look terrified as they're now getting shot with paint from all sides while Teddy and his force continue to rain animal waste on them.
Al: "OHMYGOD!"
Lou: "THE HORROR! OH, GOD, THE HORROR!"
Shane spots another alley.
Shane: "THIS WAY!"
Shane, Al and Lou run down the alley. The combined forces of Timmy, Mike and Teddy give chase.
Cut to a nearby rooftop and we see Tommy and Tony observing everything with binoculars.
Tommy: "My forces have the enemy on the run!"
Tony smiles reverendly.
Tony: "You know, I thought my time was done. I thought I'd never again know the thrill of battle, hear the screams of terrified enemies or enjoy the fun of war." He wipes a stray tear of joy from his cheek. "THANK GOD FOR GRANDCHILDREN...OOH-RAH!"
Cut to Shane and his two lackeys emerging from the alley only to find themselves face to face with yet another assault force. This one was led by Lexi and had water balloons.
Shane: "My own sister!"
Lexi: "Sorry, bro, but you're time's up! FIRE!"
The kids all pelt Shane, Al and Lou with water balloons. The liquid in them is yellow.
Al: "THEY'RE FILLED WITH PEE!"
Shane, Al and Lou run from a mob consisting now of almost every kid in town.
Scene 4
Ext. Shot: The town park
Music: Rambo Action Theme
Shane, Al and Lou are backed up against a chain link fence separating the tennis court. The horde of grade school soldiers continue to pelt them mercilessly with paint and animal waste. Finally, Al decides he's had enough.
Al: "NO MORE, PLEASE! I GIVE UP! I ONLY DID IT BECAUSE I WANTED TO PLAY WITH ALL THE COOL STUFF SHANE HAS!"
The kids give Al enough time to get out of the line of fire, then resume their barrage.
Shane: "AL, YOU TWO FACED WUSS!"
Lou faces the army of kids.
Lou: "NO MORE! I SURRENDER!"
Shane is visibly shocked.
Shane: "LOU!?"
Lou: "SORRY, BOSS, YOU'RE ON YOUR OWN!"
With that, Lou runs off. Now, Shane is standing alone against the whole school.
Tommy: (VO, off screen) "CEASE FIRE!"
The kids stop their attack. Tommy emerges from the crowd and approaches Shane.
Tommy: "Okay, Shane, give up and apologize and we'll let you walk out of here."
Shane looks at Tommy with murderous rage in his eyes.
Shane: "YOU'RE DEAD MEAT, CARBONE!"
He punches Tommy in the face. Tommy punches him back. Tommy's punch is so hard it causes Shane to lose a tooth. When Shane lunges at Tommy in response the latter moves out of the way and elbows Shane in the back so hard that he falls on his face. Shane rolls over only for Tommy to pin him down and start punching him over and over again.
Tommy: "THIS...IS...WHAT...YOU...GET...YOU...FUCKING...ASSHOLE..."
Finally, a bruised and bloody Shane throws his arms up.
Shane: "TOMMY, PLEASE! I SURRENDER!"
Tommy stops pounding Shane.
Shane: "I...I SWEAR I'LL NEVER BOTHER YOU AGAIN!"
Tommy: "If you do, if you pick on any of us again, especially me and my brothers, I'll pound you even worse next time. GOT IT!?"
Shane frantically nods. Tommy gets off of him.
Shane: "I...I...I WANT MY MOMMY! WAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!"
Shane runs away crying. Tommy then faces the other kids.
Tommy: "IT'S OVER! WE WON!"
Other kids: "YAAAYYYYYYYYY!"
They all raise Tommy up and carry him on their shoulders.
Kids: "TOMMY! TOMMY! TOMMY! TOMMY! TOMMY!"
Tommy laps up the adoration.
Scene 5
Ext. Shot: Casa Carbone, evening
Int. Shot: The kitchen
The whole household is eating spaghetti and meatballs for dinner. Tommy is telling his parents and Daria what happened.
Tommy: "...and then he cried for his mommy and ran away. It was awesome!"
Jim: "So, the bully finally got a taste of his won medicine, nice!"
Quinn is less than thrilled.
Quinn: "JIM!"
Jim: "Come on, Quinn, you can't tell me that spoiled rich brat didn't deserve it."
Quinn lets out a sigh as her husband has a point.
Quinn: "Well, the school won't discipline him and he's got his parents thinking he's a perfect little angel. I guess this was the only way Shane was gonna learn his lession. Still, I don't want our kids thinking they can solve their problems with violence."
Daria sighed.
Daria: "And it would be nice if the world actually worked that way, but it doesn't."
Quinn is shocked.
Quinn: "Daria, you're an adult! I'd really appreciate if at least YOU help me set a good example for the boys!"
Tommy: "But Mom, Shane's off our backs and I'm even more popular now than I was when this all started. Violence really does solve problems."
Quinn turns to Jim.
Quinn: "You know, Jim, I'd really like some back up here!"
Jim: "Well, they shouldn't go around starting fights, but the sad truth is that sometimes the only way to meet violence is with more violence."
Quinn's inner Helen flares up, specifically that famous Barksdale temper.
Quinn: "HOW DARE YOU CONTRADICT ME!"
Enraged, Quinn takes the bowl of spaghetti and dumps it on Jim's head. She then angrily storms out of the kitchen. Cut to Jim as the food drizzles down his head and shoulders.
Jim: "Why do I bother being honest?"
Cut to Daria and Teddy flashing identical half-grins.
End Credits.
Next Time
Can it be? Has Daria actually been manipulated by someone? Daria's new boyfriend successfully fools her into believing him over her friends and family!? Repent, sinners, for this is surely a sign that the day of reckoning is at hand! LOL!