So sorry for the delay. Here's another chapter!

WHAT MAKES A MAN

PART VIII

I want to hate him. I want to scream to the heavens that I don't love Soda Curtis; that I'm stronger despite him; that I'm powerful and regal and safe with Darry.

But I can't.

I feel a need to love him. To save him. To keep him alive. Because if I don't, I think his blood will be spattered on the wall, staining whatever life I dreamed of having.

So I lay here, with Soda's arms wrapped around my waist, holding me close, and I feel like vomiting. I love him, I tell myself. Darry isn't your world anymore. Soda is. Soda has been your whole life since the moment you were together.

You can't abandon him now.

I know it's bullshit. I know I can leave him, settle down with Darry, be happy for once in my life. I know I can put him in a veteran's hospital, where they will help him. I know he can have a better life; I want him to have a better life than a life filled with pain, destruction, and a girlfriend who secretly slept with his brother.

I haven't told him. Darry doesn't say a word either, but I guarantee Soda sees the way we look at each other. And each day, I fear that he's going to recognize the lust I feel for Darry, or that Darry will slip up and say something, and Soda will crumble to nothing but dust.

His world shattered at the hands of his brother and his girlfriend. Two of the people in his life that should be loyal to him.

I turn in bed to face Soda, and I feel my heart break as I look at him. I run my hand down his face, and I feel tears well in my eyes as he smiles in his sleep and holds me tighter, and God, do I want to fuck him and cry at the same time.

When I dream, I see Darry, and I want to believe he sees me. I want to believe that he is the reason that I dream in the first place. When Soda went off to war, he haunted me. I saw him everywhere, in everything, and felt his presence like a second skin. With Darry, I feel peace. I feel warmth. I feel calm. I feel at home.

I bury my face in Soda's chest and try to dream of a world where I'm happiest with Soda. But all I see is a blurred line between two brothers who don't understand how much they mean to me.

When Darry burned down the shed, I knew that was the end of their relationship.

When Soda found that fire, taking away his therapy, his craft, I'll never forget the way that Soda fell into my lap, sobbing as his dreams were washed away by flames. I'll never forget the way he stared at his older brother. There was malice in his eyes, a pain that I can't describe, but there was also respect. As if Soda was silently waiting for Darry to say, "I did it for you."

But Darry said nothing in that moment. I would later find out that, during therapy, Darry did admit that he did it to save Soda from his memories; to make him forget.

My love for Darry wanted to agree with him. But my love for Soda held me back, and I felt myself dying as Darry's eyes turned from hope to sadness. I watched that fire that burned that shed ignite in his eyes. I wanted to burn there with him, tell him how much I loved him, but I held my tongue.

A few days after Darry burned the shed, I stare into the distance as they get into another fight. Another screaming match with swearing and, in time, physical assault. I know Darry was bursting at the seams with our secret, and he finally blurts, "Sandy and I have been together since you left. She loves me, you asshole. She loves me, you rapist."

I saw a change in Soda as he turns to me, his voice breaking on the sound of my name on his lips. "Is that true, Sandy?"

Looking at the soldier in front of me, the boy in front of me, I know I have to say something. I know I have to admit it. I know I have to break him, to make him lose himself all over again.

My heart broke with the word "Yes."

And I watch my boy, my sweet, adoring boy, let himself go. I hear him mutter "no, no, no" over and over again. I watch storm out of the room, and I move to follow him. I need to fix him. I need to love him.

But Darry holds me back, holding my jerking body in his hands as I try to get to Soda. I hardly hear Darry whispering "It's okay, shh, you're okay, it's out there now" as Soda comes back into the living room with a duffel bag and tears still streaming down his face.

"Soda, I'm sorry," I murmur, but I know he isn't listening. I know I've broken whatever we had. I know that I have lost him forever. "It wasn't supposed to-"

"You fucking whore."

The words make me visibly shake and recoil against Darry. But I let Soda go on, let him verbally abuse me in the time I have left before he walks out that door.

"I loved you, Sandy. I went to war for you. I came home for you! I was going to propose to you when the time was right, and Jesus, I thought that it was right time. You were my soulmate, Sandy, and you're nothing but a goddamn slut. I told my parents at their graves that you were the one, that you would wear my mother's ring one day, and I prayed to God that they approved of us. You're nothing but a disgusting piece of shit."

His anger finished, Soda shoves Darry with his shoulder as he walks out the front door, slamming it in his wake. I feel my blood run cold as he stops, turns back, and looks at me with so much pain that I feel like the whole world knows how much he hates me. I watch that pretty silhouette disappear in the darkened street lights and I know that disgust walks alongside him.