A/N: We're getting close to revealing what happened that night as well as a couple other secrets but we're not quite there. I promise it's only a few chapters away and I'm going to try to keep up with a regular update schedule as long as life doesn't get in the way. Just a few reminders, the italics are flashbacks and this chapter and the rest of this fic has not been edited, so I apologize for all the mistakes. As always I hope you enjoy and please review!

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"It was the first race I had been to since we had broken up." He takes a deep breath. "I guess I scared everyone that night."

He needed something to take his mind off of everything – off the fact that he lost two of the most important people in his life. So once Nadia's asleep and Kim shows up to watch her, he leaves to go to the races. A part of him missed it – the adrenaline filled atmosphere almost calming him after so many months away. But he still feels like half of his former self – like a huge piece of him is missing. He just sits back on the hood of the Camaro and watches other racers speed by – at least he tries. He came for a distraction but being back only serves as a reminder. Each car, every roar of an engine brings up a different memory in his brain. He's still learning how to get by without his mom but Erin – well he's not sure if he'll ever move on from her.

He's taken from his thoughts when he sees a guy walk up to him in peripheral. Jay rolls his eyes at the smug grin on the smaller man's face.

"Well, well, well the king has returned."

The tension in Jay's shoulders returns and he sits up straighter. "Not tonight French."

"I just came over to say sorry 'bout your moms man." It sounds sincere enough coming from the other man.

"Thanks." He attempts to give him a tight lipped smile but it comes off as more of a grimace.

Then a teasing smirk comes to French's face. "I also heard about your girl."

Jay stands up then. "Don't." Jay growls – already knowing where the conversation is going.

"I don't blame her. She finally realized you weren't good enough for her and now look at you. You can't even race without her – bringing a old ass Camaro to the races." He shakes his head. "How the mighty have fallen, huh?"

Jay's hands clench into fists and his breathing starts to escalate as the man starts talking about Erin again.

And then it's as if someone else takes over his body entirely. His fists start swinging one after the other in quick succession before he moves to grab the tire iron from inside his car.

The crowd backs away at the appearance of the metal stick. When he moves forward Kevin steps in front of him to stop him. Eventually he shakes off his friend's hold and hops into the car.

When he gets back to his house, he parks the car in the garage and climbs out of the driver's seat before he leans against the tool bench. His head hangs low as he tries to compose himself. But when he looks up and his eyes get caught on the old street sign that he hit on the night of their first race. Something inside him snaps and he goes to grab the tire iron off of the passenger seat again.

"I was so angry with myself. I felt like I was a disappointment to my mom. And I knew she'd hate me even more for what I did to you."

"Hey." She takes a step closer to him and looks at him – feeling as though she's getting another glimpse at the man she knew. She waits for his eyes to meet hers and gives him a questioning look – silently asking if she could get closer. But the tear that rolls down his cheek is all the invitation she needs before she cups his cheek.

"Your mom could have never hated you. Ever." She tells him with so much conviction – trying her hardest to through to him. But he still shakes his head in disbelief.

She takes a moment to think of a what to say to make him feel better. The one memory that comes to mind was from a month after he was deployed for the first time.

"I remember the Christmas during your first tour." She blinks back the tears already welling in her eyes as she thinks back to one of the scariest times of her life. Her heart aches as she recalls fearing she was never going to see him again. It was the same crippling fear she endured when she left Chicago. She shakes her head to refocus on him as he looks at her expectantly – his eyes shining with unshed tears.

"Nadia had just opened that dollhouse you had bought for her – the one that we had been looking for, for months. Your mom had gotten so serious, I thought that maybe she was mad but then she smiled with tears in her eyes and she shook her head. You know what she said?" There's a brief pause between them. "She said I don't get how he does it ." Erin can feel a lump forming in her throat thinking back to the memory. "She goes, he's off fighting a war and still managed to get his sister the one thing she really wanted that was sold out everywhere. And he probably doesn't even think it's a big deal. She asked me how we had gotten so lucky." Her thumb softly strokes his stubbly cheek. "I knew it before then but that day just reaffirmed that she was so incredibly proud of you Jay – of the man you were – the man that you are. And it wasn't the first or last time she reminded me of that."

He practically collapses against her after she's done talking – as if all the suppressed emotions from the past six and a half years have finally bubbled to the surface. One of her hands cups the back of his neck while the other runs up and down his spine soothingly. Her tears begin to fall when she feels his soak through her shirt. And she doesn't think twice about placing a soft, lingering kiss to his jaw in attempt to provide a little more comfort.

After a while he takes a step back out of her embrace.

He pulls his hand down his face, stopping at his jaw. "Sorry."

"Don't be. If you ever need to just talk or let down those walls of yours, I'm here for you."

"Thanks Erin." He gives her a sad smile as they make their way back to the house.

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He finishes making the bed and then checks the rest of the loft before heading to his office. He's about halfway down the stairs when he sees her. She looks even more tired than she did last night. Her hair is up in a messy bun and her eyes are puffy but she still looks as gorgeous as ever.

"Hey." She greets with a tired smile.

"Hey. I uh…I have something for you." He points his thumb back over his shoulder.

"Oh?" She raises an eyebrow at him, her smile not leaving her face.

"Come with me." He nods towards the loft.

She's a little nervous but she follows behind him and they make their way up the stairs.

"I've been thinking about you – well your uhh…." He scratches the back of his neck as he begins to blush.

"You've been thinking about me, huh?" The look that comes to her face is teasing and she feels her cheeks heat up at the sight of the pink tint that comes to his face.

"Not like that." His nose scrunches with the lie and she giggles uncharacteristically at his tell. "I was thinking about your living arrangements. I wanted to give you time to see if you found a place but last night when you said the bed at the hotel was warping your back I thought about the loft." He opens the black door.

She feels as though she's taken back in time as she walks through the entryway of what used to be their home. The last time she was here she was packing a bag on her way to the airport. It looks as though nothing has been touched since then.

"Everything's pretty much the same. I haven't been in here in years but I came in and cleaned up this morning." He voices her thoughts as he hands her the key he was holding.

"Thank you Jay but this is too much. I already owe you for the job, I can't accept this." She goes to hand him the key back but he just shakes his head and gently pushes her hand away.

"Yes you can Erin. You don't owe me anything. Plus this place wasn't just mine – it was ours. And it's just been collecting dust for years." He tells her as he takes another look around the open space.

"I don't know what to say."

He gives her a reassuring grin and takes her hand to give it a gentle squeeze. His eyes boring into hers with a look that makes her insides melt.

"Why don't you get some rest." He nods towards the bedroom behind her.

"I look that bad huh?" She looks down at her outfit, suddenly questioning her wardrobe choice as she takes in her yoga pants and baggie t-shirt that hangs off her shoulder, showing the strap of her sports bra underneath.

"No. In fact you look as beautiful as ever." His statement comes off so nonchalant and it takes her by surprise. She shifts from one foot to the other as she tries to think of what to say.

He can tell she's at a lost for words so he just continues – not wanting to make her uncomfortable. "But I can tell how tired and stressed you've been since you've been back. I think a nice day of relaxing is just what you need. I got some of the bath salt and a few of those candles you always liked too." He adds as he makes his way to the door.

Her heart flutters with his words. "I can't, see I have this thing called a job and while my boss is pretty sweet, I don't know if he would actually let me have the day off." She gives him a smile, her dimples on full display.

"I think your boss will understand." He winks at her and she bites her lip as he opens the door.

"Hey Jay." She waits for him to turn around before continuing. "Thanks for this."

He just nods before stepping into the hallway.

She takes in her surroundings as she slowly makes her way to the king sized bed. The thought of how deep she's in with him is the last thing to cross her mind as she drifts off.